Work Text:
SEVEN YEARS AGO.
“Another round!”
“Another?” Doyoung laughs.
“Yes. I graduated from Julliard!” Jaehyun announces loudly to the bar. “Come on, one more drink.”
“Okay. But you are carrying me home,” Doyoung says.
“I will.”
So they drink and celebrate. Jaehyun is feeling like a winner and he’s happy Doyoung is celebrating with him.
“No more alcohol,” Doyoung says after they finish it. “I don’t want a horrible hangover.”
“Fine,” Jaehyun agrees with a silly smile.
They get out of the bar and try to haul a cab. Jaehyun loses his balance and Doyoung catches him. He ends up with his back on a streetlight and Doyoung flush against his chest. The world around them is a haze of city lights and sounds. Jaehyn’s focus is on the face in front of him and nothing else. The face of the one he’s called best friend for three years. For a moment, Jaehyun lets his hands linger and explore the small of Doyoung’s back. He’s always thought him handsome, and they are both gay, but Jaehyun never considered doing anything.
Until now.
It might be the alcohol and the joy from graduating speaking, though. Why would he ruin a perfectly good friendship by making a move? Jaehyun is still young and stupid, and his track record with romance isn’t great.
“I think I’ll carry you home tonight,” Doyoung says, placing his hands on Jaehyun’s chest.
“That’s what best friends are for,” Jaehyun says.
They get into the back of a cab together and Jaehyun watches the streets of New York as they head to his place. A small bachelor studio. When they arrive, they have some water and Doyoung guides them through the double doors that lead to the bedroom.
Jaehyun drops himself face-first on the pillow.
“Thank you, Doie,” he hums, already giving into sleep.
Doyoung replies something he can’t hear.
TODAY.
Jaehyun groans. There is a slight pounding on his temple. But he was out drinking last night, so it was bound to happen. He’s not an early-twenty-something anymore.
He shifts in bed and finds a body next to him. He forces his eyes open because he doesn’t remember bringing anyone home from the bar.
Sleeping next to him, his best friend Doyoung. His deep black hair is all over the place. Jaehyun sighs relieved. Doyoung probably just crashed here after they had too much to drink. It happens sometimes, but Jaehyun usually gives him the bed and stays on the couch. Maybe they were too drunk and passed out here together.
He should make them some breakfast.
Jaehyun wills himself out of bed and into the bathroom. He showers, brushes his teeth, and trades off his pajamas. For someone that drunk, he didn’t pass out on his dirty bar clothes. Good.
When he comes into the bedroom again, he notices Doyoung is also in pajamas. His glasses are on the nightstand, along with… a book? Jaehyun doesn’t know that title. Maybe Doyoung had it with him and read it before bed? Oh, well.
Jaehyun needs caffeine to actually wake up, so he heads to the kitchen. He passes the living room, which looks a little different than usual. There is a blue comforter on the couch. Art on the walls. Books he doesn’t own.
And a picture of Jaehyun and Doyoung.
That makes him halt. He gets closer and picks the portrait from the shelf. He doesn’t remember taking this photo. But maybe they did, they have taken so many pictures together in ten years of friendship. Maybe Doyoung is playing a prank. He’ll wait for him to wake up to ask.
Jaehyun gets into the kitchen and cooks eggs on toast. He makes pour-over coffee, one cup with caffeine and the other decaf. He’s finishing the last of it when he hears Doyoung coming.
“Good morning,” he says. “I found a—”
Doyoung holds him from behind tightly and kisses his nape.
“Oh,” Jaehyun chuckles, getting a chill.
“Good morning, peach,” Doyoung murmurs.
Jaehyun clears his throat. “Sleep well?”
“Like always.”
“I made us breakfast.”
“Thank you. Is this decaf?”
“Yes.”
Doyoung grabs his cup and plate and sits at the table. Jaehyun turns to him. He is still in pajamas, wearing his glasses.
“I saw the picture you put on the shelf,” he says, sitting with his meal too.
Doyoung giggles. “I put it?”
“Well. Yes,” Jaehyun smiles.
“Okay. Do you like looking at us?”
“Hmmm. Yes?”
“Good to know that after seven years you don’t get tired.”
“Seven years? Of what?”
Doyoung rolls his eyes. “I know you’re a man, Jaehyun. But forgetting our anniversary is such a clichê. Do better.”
“Isn’t it ten years?” Jaehyun asks, confused.
“Aw, you’re so sweet,” Doyoung jests. “Counting from the moment we met, and not the moment we got together.”
Doyoung pinches Jaehyun’s cheek and goes back to eating. Jaehyun says nothing, only watches him.
“Is it April first?” he asks.
“No. It’s our anniversary,” Doyoung says. “July thirtieth. Did you hit your head?”
“I…”
Jaehyun is starting to think he did. He checks the date on his phone and Doyoung is correct. The wallpaper picture is the two of them. Did Doyoung change it? He has Jaehyun’s code.
“This is delicious,” Doyoung says as he eats. “Almost makes up for the fact you forgot what day it is.”
Jaehyun laughs awkwardly. He takes a bite of his toast and drinks his coffee.
“What happened last night?” he asks.
“You don’t remember?” Doyoung asks. “We didn’t have that much wine.”
“Tell me,” Jaehyun says.
“We kept rewatching Crash Landing On You,” Doyoung says. “And then you fucked me.”
Jaehyun chokes on a gulp of coffee and spits it out. He coughs violently. Doyoung watches him with a raised eyebrow.
“I—I fucked you?” Jaehyun asks, his voice so hoarse it’s barely there.
“Well. Yes. You do that sometimes.”
“I do?”
“Yeah. When it’s not the other way around,” Doyoung says casually. “Are you sick or something? You only had two glasses of wine. You looked sober enough.”
Doyoung leans in and places his hand on Jaehyun’s temple and neck. Jaehyun grabs his wrist and keeps him there. They stare at each other.
“Doie. Enough playing with me.”
He smiles. “Playing?”
“We didn’t fuck last night,” he says. “Or watch Crash Landing On You. We were at the bar. Remember? We went out drinking.”
“No, we didn’t,” Doyoung says. “Jae, you’re starting to worry me.”
“No, you are worrying me.”
Doyoung wiggles away from his grasp. “This isn’t funny.”
“I’m telling you it isn’t funny.”
“Is this your idea of an anniversary gift?” Doyoung asks. “Cuz trust me it’s not flattering.”
“What do you think I am doing?”
“Pretending you don’t remember our anniversary. Or that we are in a relationship.”
In a relationship.
“I can prove we were at the bar,” Jaehyun says, pulling his phone again.
Google Maps tracks his location at all times. He opens the app and checks his activity.
But he was home.
He searches for their usual bar and Jaehyun hasn’t visited it in nine months.
With a slack jaw, he glances up at Doyoung, whose face tells him he is pissed and done entertaining Jaehyun. Doyoung stands and goes to the bedroom. Jaehyun opens his gallery and checks the pictures. There is a folder titled jaedo.
He browses it and the contents pull the floor under his feet, turning his world upside down.
He and Doyoung, over and over, together, kissing. So many pictures of Doyoung, in their home, always with his cute glasses, the ones he mostly doesn’t wear. In Jaehyun’s bed…
Jaehyun stands fast, making the chair under him fall back. He rushes to the living room, studying it again. It’s not just changed, but the things here are things that belong to Doyoung, that used to be in his apartment. He goes to the closet and finds Doyoung’s clothes there. He missed that when he grabbed a change of clothes earlier, he was too sleepy.
Doyoung lives here.
But how?
Jaehyun opens his underwear drawer. Still only his, but among the pieces, he sees something.
A small box.
He opens it and finds an engagement ring.
Jaehyun’s phone escapes from his hand, falling to the ground with a sad thud.
Not only have they been together for seven years, but Jaehyun was planning to propose. They are that serious. The ring is beautiful, not too flashy, but elegant—Doyoung would love it. Jaehyun puts it back and shuts the drawer. He hears Doyoung brushing his teeth and follows the noise to their bathroom. Doyoung looks at him briefly through the mirror.
“I—I’m sorry,” Jaehyun says. “I think I hit my head. I’m confused.”
Doyoung always had a toothbrush in Jaehyun’s home. So that remains unchanged. He finishes rinsing his mouth and dries his face on the towel. He turns to Jaehyun.
“You’re confused?”
“I promise. I’m not lying,” Jaehyun says. “Tell me what happened.”
“What do you mean?”
“How did we get here?”
“Jae, we should go to the hospital,” Doyoung says, getting out of the bathroom.
Jaehyun catches his arm. “No, please. Just talk to me. It’s a Saturday and this is not an emergency.”
Doyoung studies him. “Okay. Let’s sit down on the couch.”
They head there and sit side by side.
“Jae, do you really not remember?” he asks gently.
“No. Remember what?”
“Seven years ago, you kissed me,” Doyoung says. “We were outside our bar, under the street light.”
“Our bar, yes,” Jaehyun says. The one they were at last night. The one they always go to.
“Okay. So you remember that. And you kissed me that night. We were celebrating your graduation.”
“I did?”
“Yes. We have been dating ever since.”
“We… have.”
“Yes. I moved in three years ago,” Doyoung says. “Do you remember that?”
“Yes,” Jaehyun lies. “I remember. I think I just got confused about how much time has passed.” He gulps. “It just went by in a flash. Didn’t it?”
“You’re worrying me,” Doyoung says. “Let’s go to the hospital.”
“No!”
Jaehyun catches him before he can get up.
“Stay here. I don’t wanna go anywhere.”
Because what if it’s true? What if all of this happened and Jaehyun forgot their lives? What would it mean? That he has a brain tumor that rewrote his memories? What if the other life Jaehyun lived was a long dream he had last night? The life where Jaehyun never kissed his best friend.
But what if today is the dream? One Jaehyun is still dreaming, one he hasn’t woken up from yet. What if he’s still in his bed, alone, waiting to wake up to the reality that he never kissed Doyoung?
His boyfriend inches closer and puts his arms around Jaehyun.
“I remember,” he lies. “I was just confused for a moment.”
Doyoung leans in and gives him a peck.
And oh God, what has Jaehyun done? There might be some cosmical law he just broke. How ethical is this? Not very. But if this is a dream and Jaehyun is merely conscious of it, it’s okay to do this. Right?
He leans his head on Doyoung’s shoulder and they hold each other. Jaehyun’s erratic heart is all he can hear until Doyoung grabs the remote and puts on Crash Landing On You, the episode they were watching last night.
If this is a vivid dream, Jaehyun will wake up eventually. If it’s not, well… He’ll schedule an appointment with the doctor.
Doyoung rearranges the pillows of the couch and lies down, pulling Jaehyun with him. The show keeps playing, but Jaehyun isn’t paying attention to it. He is reliving the memory he has of that night at the bar, the night he graduated from Julliard. He considered kissing Doyoung, but he didn’t. They have lived seven years as just friends because Jaehyun didn’t. Doyoung never showed an interest in him, and here in this alternate reality, Doyoung seems to love him.
“Are you happy?” Jaehyun asks.
“What? Jaehyun—”
“Tell me.”
“Of course I’m happy,” Doyoung says, stroking his head.
“I make you happy?”
“Yes.”
“But I…” He trails off.
“What?”
“I was so bad at relationships,” Jaehyun says. “Before you.”
Doyoung laughs.
“I know. But we just work.”
“Do we?”
“Yeah. Seven years is a long time, you know?”
“I know. I’m just surprised I made it work,” Jaehyun admits. “That you can stand me.”
Doyoung laughs some more. “Look at me.”
Jaehyun raises his head from his boyfriend’s chest and stares into his eyes.
“I do more than stand you,” he whispers. “I love you.”
Jaehyun knows they love each other as friends, but he also knows that’s not what Doyoung means right now.
“Do you really?”
“Yes. Do you? Or have you forgotten you love me?” he asks, a load of sarcasm in his tone.
“I’m just shocked you love me like that,” Jaehyun says. “Did you like me before I kissed you?”
“Not exactly,” Doyoung says. “I thought you were attractive. We fell in love as we developed that side of our relationship. Is that what you can’t wrap your head around?”
“Yeah. I can’t.”
Jaehyun wishes he remembered what it was like to fall in love with his best friend and have his best friend fall for him. If this is reality, and he forgot all that, he’s going to be pissed for the rest of his life.
Doyoung pulls him up, their faces closer. Jaehyun’s stomach churns with this proximity, their lips mere inches apart. To Doyoung, this is normal. To him, all of this is new.
“Kiss me,” Doyoung whispers. “And you’ll be able to wrap your head around it.”
And the truth is, Jaehyun always wondered what it would be like if he kissed Doyoung that night. He chalked it up to nostalgia, a thing of the past, a missed opportunity. They dated other people and Jaehyun accepted things for what they were. He told himself it was for the best if they stayed friends.
But now, he is getting the chance to live what he chose not to. Maybe this is what this dream is about.
So he leans in, watching Doyoung’s eyes fall shut through the lens of his glasses. His beautiful and long eyelashes. Their noses touch.
“You want me to kiss you even if I can't remember everything?” he asks.
Doyoung chuckles, not opening his eyes.
“I always want to kiss you, you dummy.”
And that's enough for Jaehyun. Their lips meet in the softest touch, but it's enough to send electricity through his body. He's hoping this will juggle his memories of a life he hasn't lived, but they don't come. What comes, though, is the clear knowledge that he wants to keep kissing Doyoung.
Jaehyun presses their lips against each other harder. Unknowingly making up for all the kisses he missed or forgot, his mouth parts, and his tongue searches for Doyoung's. He welcomes it inside in an unfamiliar familiarity, knowing their fit better than Jaehyun. A groan escapes him before he can stop it, his length growing hard way too fast like he is a horny twenty-two-year-old again.
Doyoung embraces Jaehyun tighter as the pace of the kiss increases. Jaehyun gets lost in it, forgetting completely the strange circumstances that led them here and focuses only on kissing Doyoung with as much desire as he can express—something that may have been asleep inside him for seven years.
He's had sex dreams before. Some very vivid. But they end as fast as they begin, fading into nothing. The taste of Doyoung’s lips and tongue, the weight of his hands, the shape of his body, none of it is fading away.
He remains.
Jaehyun either has a brain tumor and forgot everything or he's dreaming. But both options mean this moment will end very soon. Either by probable death or waking up.
So fuck everything.
Jaehyun kisses him harder, pressing their hips together. Doyoung moans. What a sweet sound that he yearns to keep hearing. Jaehyun licks and nibbles his neck, exploring and tasting that soft skin with an enthusiasm that will yield marks.
“You kiss me like you miss me,” Doyoung whispers, chuckling.
“I do. I miss you.”
Misses what he doesn't remember. Or what they never got to have.
“I love our couch, but take me to bed,” Doyoung says.
So Jaehyun grabs him on his lap and takes him to their bed. Doyoung pulls off Jaehyun's t-shirt like he's done it a million times.
And when their bodies collide in that intimate way, Jaehyun understands it all, even the things he doesn't remember or hasn’t lived. It's not just sex they are having, but making love, and that's a first for him.
After, his back falls on the sheets. He's panting and sweaty. Doyoung motions to move out of the bed, but Jaehyun grabs his arm.
“Stay a little longer.”
“I—Okay.”
Jaehyun rolls his body to the side, half on top of him. He rests his head on his chest. Doyoung strokes his hair, making him relax further and further. Jaehyun shuts his eyes.
“I think I love you, Doie.”
Doyoung chuckles. “I know you do.”
Jaehyun groans. There is a slight pounding on his temple. He snaps his eyes open and looks for Doyoung. But he’s alone in bed, in his pajamas.
“Doie?”
No sign of the glasses and the book on the nightstand. Jaehyun jumps off the bed and hurries to the closet. Only his clothes are there. No engagement ring. His stomach drops.
“Doyoung?!”
He runs to the living room and it is as it always was—only his things. No comforter, no picture of him and Doyoung. He goes back to his room and grabs his phone. July thirtieth. His wallpaper isn’t him and Doyoung, but the old picture of his foot in the sand, one he took on vacation. He likes to remember the feeling of walking barefoot on the beach, but now that picture brings him nothing but sadness.
It was a dream.
A fucking dream.
Jaehyun sits on the bed and drops his phone aside.
It felt so real. The realest dream he ever had.
He feels so empty now. Like a chunk was pulled away from him and he is half a person. And so does this bed and this apartment.
Jaehyun grabs his phone and calls Doyoung.
It rings. And rings. And rings. His heart is palpitating.
“Hello?” Doyoung greets with a sleepy voice.
“Doie! Where are you?”
“Hmmm. In my bed?”
“Okay,” Jaehyun smiles, happy just to hear his voice. “What happened last night? Didn't you stay over?”
“No. We shared a cab, it dropped you home, and I came to mine.”
“Can I see you?”
“When?”
“Now.”
Doyoung laughs sleepily and it's adorable. It makes Jaehyun's heart flutter.
“How about brunch?” Doyoung says. “I actually have something I wanna tell you.”
“I have something I wanna tell you too.”
“Great. One pm at our usual?”
“Yes.”
“See you there.”
“See you!”
Jaehyun drops his phone. His pulse is racing. He doesn't know what he's doing, he feels like he's twenty-two again. A dumb young man, when he's nearing thirty. But he'll wing it. He just knows he can't let this go now.
That dream was too good. It wasn't just a dream, but a revelation that showed Jaehyun what he missed. Like… divine intervention or something. It's the life they would have had, but also the potential of what they can have. They always got along so amazingly. They even watch K-dramas together in this reality as they did in the dream. They watched Crash Landing On You when it came out. So it's not that crazy of a jump to imagine them together.
No. It makes perfect sense.
How could Jaehyun not have seen this before? He's so freaking blind. He was young. That was the problem. He wanted to do those things people do in their twenties and being tied down was not one of them. But now he and Doyoung are past that. Maybe it's the right time to…
To…
Say something. Jaehyun certainly can't say I had a sex dream of us so let's date. But he needs to say something.
He arrives half an hour early to their date, in some of his best clothes and perfume. He even styled his hair. Doyoung arrives on the dot, he's always punctual.
Jaehyun gets up to greet him with a hug.
“Oh, wow,” Doyoung chuckles. “Miss me that much?”
“Yes.”
“You saw me last night.”
“You have no idea,” Jaehyun laughs, feeling silly.
They sit in front of each other and Jaehyun can't stop smiling.
“Where are your glasses?”
“My glasses?” Doyoung raises his brow. “On my nightstand, where I always leave them. I got contacts on.”
“Why don't you wear them?”
“Because… Because they make me look ugly.”
“No, they don't. They are adorable.”
Doyoung makes a strange face. He leans in.
“Jaehyun, are you still drunk?”
“What? No!”
“You haven't stopped smiling. Did you take something? Ecstasy?”
Jaehyun laughs. “No. I'm just happy to see you.”
“You're never this happy to see me.”
“I'm always happy to see you.”
“Okay…” Doyoung leans back. “So, about that thing that I wanted to tell you.”
“I'm all ears,” Jaehyun says, putting his elbows on the table and resting his chin on his hands.
“Basically, I—oh, there he comes.”
Jaehyun frowns and looks at the point Doyoung is staring at. A blond man is coming their way. He stops by Doyoung.
“Hey, babe.”
Babe?
They trade a kiss.
Kiss?
And he sits beside Doyoung.
“Jaehyun, this is my boyfriend Johnny. Babe, this is my best friend Jaehyun.”
“Nice to meet you. I've heard so much about you,” Johnny says with a pleasant smile.
Jaehyun sits back on his chair and shuts his mouth that was hanging open.
“B-boyfriend?” he asks, looking at Doyoung. He tries smiling but he fears he looks crazy because he's smiling through the pain.
“I told you I met someone,” Doyoung says. “Remember?”
Jaehyun’s hand closes around his knee. “Vaguely.”
“Well. We became official and I wanted you to be the first person to know,” Doyoung says.
Doyoung and Johnny hold hands over the table and Jaehyun is sick. A server stops by their table.
“Ready to order?”
“Yes,” Doyoung says. “The usual?”
Jaehyun nods, swallowing the bile that climbed up his throat. Doyoung recites what they want and the server leaves.
“What was it that you wanted to tell me?”
“Oh, nothing important,” Jaehyun says, forcing a chuckle out. “So, how did you meet?”
“Johnny is an actor.”
Jaehyun glances at the boyfriend. “And I thought we knew all the actors in the city.”
“I'm from LA,” Johnny says. “I'm here for a job.”
Another reason to dislike him.
“Ah. So you're not staying long?”
Johnny smiles at Doyoung. “We'll see.”
They chuckle and kiss. Jaehyun wants to crawl into a hole and die.
“So we met at that industry get-together,” Doyoung says, not taking his eyes off Johnny even if he's talking to Jaehyun. “Remember? The one you missed.”
Jaehyun shuts his eyes and scratches his forehead. He remembers. He was hooking up with some guy he doesn't remember the name of.
“Yes.”
“Anyway,” Doyoung says. “We hit it off.”
“I'm glad you did,” Jaehyun lies. “So, so glad. Did Doyoung show you around New York yet? He's a native, he knows all the spots.”
“I don't have a lot of time,” Johnny says. “Because of my work schedule. But we've been hanging.”
Jaehyun smiles with no joy. “Hanging. What job?”
“A movie,” Johnny says. “Top secret.”
“Oh, you're a Hollywood actor?”
Johnny and Doyoung laugh like they know an inside joke Jaehyun isn't a part of.
“I get it,” Johnny says, smiling. “You're a Broadway actor. And Doyoung is a Broadway director. Real acting!”
They laugh more and Jaehyun laughs along although it lacks any humor.
“Yeah. I know it's real acting,” Jaehyun says. He’s the one up on the stage many nights a week performing. “I am just surprised that someone from Hollywood decided to shoot a movie here. I know they have New York sets there.”
“They wanted to capture the essence of the city. Like old romcoms,” Doyoung explains.
“Yes. New York is one of a kind,” Jaehyun says.
Johnny looks at Doyoung, touching the side of his neck.
“It is.”
And they kiss.
Jaehyun wants to puke.
He can't believe this is happening. And it's all his fault. He hates himself as much as he hates Johnny and his pompous Los Angeles ass right now.
The food comes and at least Doyoung and Johnny have something to do with their hands and mouths other than feel each other up and kiss.
Cuz fucking yikes.
Doyoung never had a serious boyfriend before. Like Jaehyun, he opted for casual relationships. Truly, they are passionate about their work, and that has been their sole focus.
Until now, apparently.
“We wanna catch a movie,” Doyoung says by the end of the meal. “Wanna tag along?”
“I have plans,” Jaehyun says. “Have fun.”
Plans to go drop himself on his bed and mope, which is exactly what he does. He huddles there, in those sheets that feel too empty and lack Doyoung's warmth and scent.
Why did he have that dream? Is the universe doing this just to torture him? Because he made the mistake of not following his gut and kissing Doyoung seven years ago.
Jaehyun stays in bed, remembering the brunch. Doyoung was so happy. He found someone who didn't think twice about kissing him. As much as he hates Johnny, he deserves Doyoung more than Jaehyun does. Because Johnny made a move. He didn't wait seven years to have a dream and wake up to the fact that Doyoung is hot shit, a catch, and you shouldn't let him walk away.
Jaehyun did. He let him walk away. And if he's in pain now, it's his own doing.
He grunts into the pillow. He'll feel sorry for himself today. The dream is vivid in his mind. Then, he will forget about it. Move on. It was just a dream, not a revelation.
Jaehyun grabs a bottle of wine, goes to the couch, and puts Crash Landing On You, episode one. He drinks and watches and aches. Tomorrow will be a new day. He will be happy for Doyoung and his LA boo.
When his intercom rings, Jaehyun realizes he fell asleep on the couch. He sits up, rubbing his eyes before he stumbles to get it. It's already dark out.
“Hello?”
“Jae, it's me.”
“Doie,” Jaehyun exhales, not believing it.
“Let me up.”
Jaehyun does and turns on the lights of his living room. He feels for his breath, it smells like red wine. But there is no time to brush his teeth. When he opens the door of his apartment, Doyoung is coming, in the same clothes as earlier.
“H-hey,” Jaehyun greets.
Doyoung's brow is wrinkled. “Hey.”
He steps inside and inspects the place, going as far as checking Jaehyun's bedroom while the owner remains in the living room.
“What are you doing here? I thought you were with Johnny.”
“He has an early morning and sleeps better alone,” Doyoung explains, stopping before him. “I came to check on you. See if you were doing drugs.”
Jaehyun laughs hoarsely.
“Seriously? You know I don't do drugs, Doie.”
Doyoung hums. He glances at the TV.
“You were rewatching Crash Landing On You?”
“Yeah, I… missed it.”
Doyoung sits on the couch, studying the empty bottle of wine. Jaehyun sits beside him.
“Jae, you can tell me anything, you know that, right?”
“I do. I tell you everything. Always.”
Except that he had a sex dream of them. But it was more than sex. It was a… love dream.
“What was the thing you wanted to tell me earlier?” Doyoung asks. “I know you didn't because Johnny was there.”
“I…” Jaehyun taps his knee. “I just miss you. That's what I wanted to tell you.”
“You miss me?”
“Yes.”
The things they didn't have.
“I wanna spend more time with you,” Jaehyun says. “But I get that you have a boyfriend and it's hard—”
“We can spend more time together,” Doyoung interrupts. “If that's what you want. I mean, we are working on the same musical, and we get drinks after work a lot. And we often go to brunch and dinner. But if you think it's not enough, sure.”
Jaehyun shuts his eyes, realizing how unreasonable that sounds.
“What I want is… for us to watch K-dramas together. I wanna do buddy watches.”
Doyoung chuckles and Jaehyun laughs along.
“Okay. Let's watch K-dramas.”
Jaehyun smiles. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. Let's do it. What should we watch?”
Doyoung grabs the remote, stating they are starting right now.
“Twenty-five, Twenty-one,” he says. “Did you watch that?”
Jaehyun is still looking at him.
“No. Let's?”
“Let's.”
Doyoung presses play.
And so it begins. Not what Jaehyun envisioned, but what he gets in this reality. He watches Doyoung date Johnny while he and Doyoung watch K-dramas. He tries to stomach Johnny as best as he can but he is a born and bred New Yorker, designed to hate Los Angeles. It would only be worse if Johnny was from New Jersey. Still, he tries his best in group outings, when Doyoung brings his boyfriend along. Yet it seems Jaehyun isn't faking it as well as he'd like.
“You hate that guy,” Yuta whispers to him.
Jaehyun rolls his eyes.
“Don't start.”
“What is it? His perfect blond hair? His broad frame? Or because he's three centimeters taller than you?”
“None of that,” Jaehyun says, his eyes on Doyoung who is across the room. “I don't hate him. You got the wrong idea.”
Yuta hums. “I see. So it's not about him, it's who he is with.”
“Shut up,” Jaehyun mutters. “Don't say that. You're crazy.”
“Yes, I'm crazy. Crazy right.”
“Nope. You are wrong.” Jaehyun shakes his head.
“I know the look of jealousy when I see it,” Yuta says. “You look at Doyoung like Mark looked at me before we got together.”
Jaehyun laughs. “I don't look like Mark at all, never have, never will.”
“Sure, boss. You tell yourself that.”
Across the room, Doyoung and Johnny keep chatting with Taeyong. Johnny puts his hand on Doyoung's ass. Jaehyun looks away. Yuta laughs.
“You're entertaining,” Yuta says.
“Is that what you are gonna do all night? Hound me and judge me?”
“Yes. You're the most amusing person in this room right now.”
“I'll make sure to tell Mark that.”
“Don't worry, I will tell him myself,” Yuta says.
Jaehyun turns to him and stares him down as menacingly as he can. Not that it will do any good, because it's Yuta.
“This is not hot tea,” he whispers. “Doyoung can't know.”
“Ah, so he admits at last,” Yuta grins.
Jaehyun rolls his eyes.
“If I admit, will you understand you can't let him know?”
“Yes,” Yuta says, sipping his drink. “I can keep a secret. I'm full of secrets you don't know.”
“Are you?”
“Yes. But I won't say, because they are secrets.” He winks.
“Sure.” Jaehyun sighs and lowers his voice. “Just. I might have a teenie tiny crush. And yeah, I don't like Johnny. Because he's a pompous LA actor.”
Yuta leans closer. “I don't like him either. Fuck big-shot actors from LA.”
Jaehyun laughs, the tension fleeing from his body.
“So it's not just that I'm biased. He sucks, right?”
“He does. He thinks he is better than all of us because he made it in LA. Fuck that.”
Jaehyun raises his glass and they cheer.
“Fuck that. Fuck LA.”
They laugh and drink. At least now, Jaehyun can hate Johnny in communion with Yuta. It's unholy, but whatever.
“You and Yuta were chummy last night,” Doyoung says, sitting on Jaehyun's couch. “Were you rekindling something?”
“What? No. It's not like that. He's been with Mark exclusively for two years.”
Doyoung hums. “With Yuta, you never know.”
Jaehyun laughs. “They love each other. Yuta and I just fucked a few times.”
“If you say so.” Doyoung grabs the remote.
“Where are your glasses?”
“In my bag. Why?”
“Why don't you put them on?” Jaehyun asks. “You'll watch TV and fall asleep in my bed. It must be tiring using contacts all day.”
Doyoung glances at him. “Okay. My eyes are getting dry anyway.”
He goes to the bedroom where he left his things and comes back with his glasses.
“I look so goofy in them,” Doyoung says, sitting back down.
“You do not.”
“Johnny thinks so.”
“Well, then I guess dear John needs glasses himself.”
Doyoung laughs but says nothing and presses play.
Apparently, Doyoung is tired tonight. After a few episodes, Jaehyun realizes he has fallen asleep. He pauses the show and grabs Doyoung on his lap, taking him to bed. Jaehyun lays him there and removes his glasses gently. Doyoung is sleeping soundly.
Johnny better be treating him right because Doyoung deserves it.
“We had a fight.”
“What?” Jaehyun asks as Doyoung enters the apartment. He's already wearing his glasses.
“Because he's going back to LA in a few weeks,” Doyoung explains, dropping his bag on the coffee table and sitting on the couch. “So he started asking what we would do then, and I said we should cross that bridge when we get there.”
“Sounds… like a plan,” Jaehyun says, coming closer.
“Do you have wine?” Doyoung asks.
“Yes. I'll get it.”
Jaehyun goes into the kitchen and comes back with a bottle and two glasses. Doyoung pours the wine, filling his almost to the tip. He takes a big gulp from it.
“But why did you fight?” Jaehyun asks.
“Because he thought my idea wasn't good enough,” Doyoung vents. “That we needed a better plan.”
“Like what?”
“Me moving to LA.”
Jaehyun chokes on his wine. “W-what? You can't move to LA. What will you do there? Work in Hollywood?”
“That's what he said,” Doyoung says. “But it's absurd, right? I'm a Broadway director. That's my passion.”
“Sure, there is musical theater in LA. But it's not—”
“Broadway,” Doyoung says, looking at him. “I have my dream job. The one I've wished for since I was a kid. I'm not moving anywhere.”
Jaehyun takes a covert sigh. “I'm… glad you aren't.”
“Did you think I’d move for the first guy that said they liked me?” Doyoung chuckles. “I'm not stupid, Jae.”
“I know you aren't,” he says. “I just selfishly wouldn't want you to move.”
Doyoung just keeps staring at him in silence.
“Because you're my friend,” Jaehyun says slowly. “And I don't wanna lose you. Around me.”
Doyoung smiles. “You don't wanna lose me around you?”
“Yes.”
Doyoung laughs. “I'm not moving. So maybe he'll move. Or we'll do long-distance.”
“Maybe. I mean if he likes you, he should bend over backwards for you.”
Doyoung lifts an eyebrow. “Should he?”
“Yes. It's what you deserve. And when two people love each other, they make long-distance work.”
“You're right. I should insist on that.”
“Glad I could help.”
If Johnny is worthy of being Doyoung's boyfriend, he better prove it. Not take it in stride.
“We should break them up.”
“Yuta…” Jaehyun covers his eyes, his elbow on the bar stand.
“They are bound to break up anyway,” Yuta says. “He's leaving in a couple of weeks. Hear me out. We should stoke their doubts.”
Jaehyun stares at Yuta. “You just wanna watch the world burn.”
“That too,” he grins, sipping his beer.
Jaehyun laughs and shakes his head. He gulps his beer.
“They are gonna be on different sides of the country,” Yuta says. “We should talk to Johnny, tell him how hard it is to be away. How no relationship survives it, and it's not worth it.”
“No,” Jaehyun says resoundingly. “We can't. I don't want to tamper with them.”
“Why not?”
“Because it's not fair. If Doyoung wants to be with Johnny or not, it has to be his decision. Same for being with me.”
“So you want to be with him.”
“I—yes. I would like to have a shot.”
“Oh, come on! You're killing me, Romeu.”
“I want it to be fair. Not us breaking them up so I can swoop in and have Doyoung.”
Yuta rolls his eyes. “Fine. You're no fun.”
“And you're a menace.”
“What do you think?”
Jaehyun stares agape at the diamond ring that Johnny just showed him.
“Y-you—it’s lovely.” Jaehyun swallows hard.
“Do you think he'll like it?” Johnny asks. “I wanted the best friend's opinion. And blessing.”
Jaehyun forces a smile on his face. “Sure. What's not to like? It's so… shiny. And big.”
“Five carats,” he brags.
Jaehyun widens his eyes. “A-ha. That's great. Really great. Wow. You're proposing tonight?”
They are at the Monarch Rooftop, having a drink with their group of friends.
“Yes. Very soon,” Johnny says.
“A public proposal?” Jaehyun asks. “Man, I don't think that's a good idea. The ring is great, but Doyoung is more… down to earth? I don't think he wants to be proposed to in front of strangers.”
Johnny hums, putting the ring back in his pocket.
“Thanks for the tip. So I have your blessing?”
“Yes. Go for it.”
And it kills him inside, but he says it anyway. Because if there is a chance this is what Doyoung wants, Jaehyun won't stand in the way. The bartender hands them their drinks and they return to the table, but Jaehyun is removed from his skin. He can't look at Doyoung.
So he tells Yuta and Mark that he is feeling under the weather and leaves without giving a proper goodbye to the larger group.
Jaehyun goes home in a haze, wondering if Johnny will hear him out and not propose in public or not. And it’s like his lie becomes reality because he starts to actually feel physically sick like something he ate didn’t sit well. He takes a shower and trades into comfortable pajamas, lying down in bed. But he’s having cold sweats, his stomach getting stabbed by a piercing pain, preventing him from relaxing.
He’s suspended in that torture when his intercom rings. His vision is blurry as he gets to it.
“Hello?”
“Jae? Let me up.”
It’s Doyoung.
He does and stumbles to the door, waiting for him there. Doyoung comes from the stairs in long strides.
“Jae, you…” he says, getting inside.
Jaehyun shuts the door.
“You look like shit,” Doyoung finishes.
“I…”
Then he feels it. Jaehyun rushes to the bathroom and finally throws up. After the struggle, the relief is immense. He washes his mouth and face and finds Doyoung looking at him through the mirror.
“For a second there, I thought you were lying,” Doyoung says.
“What? Why?” Jaehyun asks, treading to his bed and sitting on it.
“Nothing,” Doyoung says, avoiding his eyes. “Do you want a Coke?”
“I do.”
“I’ll get it.”
Doyoung comes back with a can and hands it to him.
“Thank you.” Jaehyun takes a big gulp from it. He searches for a ring on Doyoung’s finger but finds none.
“I said no,” Doyoung says, reading his mind. “Thank you for letting him know I’d despise a public proposal.”
“Well.” Jaehyun clears his throat. “I know you.”
“You do.”
They fall silent as Jaehyun drinks his soda, feeling much better than before.
“Why did you say no?” he asks, not looking up at Doyoung.
“Because we’ve been dating for three months,” he explains like it’s obvious. “And getting married would be insane.”
“Oh. So you’ll do long-distance?”
“No. He said he doesn’t want to do long-distance unless it’s a committed relationship.”
“And you weren’t committed enough?”
“No. Jae, it was just… A summer fling.”
Jaehyun gets a flutter in his stomach and it’s not the need to vomit again.
“I… Are you happy?” he asks.
“I’m not unhappy,” Doyoung replies.
“Good. I’m glad you’re good.”
Jaehyun finishes his Coke.
“I’ll put it in the trash,” Doyoung offers and goes to the kitchen.
Jaehyun trails to the living room and drops himself on the couch. Doyoung returns and sits beside him.
“How are you feeling?” he asks.
“Much better,” Jaehyun says. “Something made my stomach really upset.”
Doyoung hums. He fishes inside his purse for his contacts case and removes them, placing them there and trading them for his glasses. He grabs the remote and turns on the TV, putting Crash Landing On You, episode one.
“I miss it,” he explains.
“Same,” Jaehyun says.
“This is your chance,” Yuta says.
“I don’t know—”
“Jesus fucking Christ, Jaehyun!” Yuta yells in the middle of the bar. “How you are this big of a doofus? Johnny left! They broke up.”
“But it’s only been a week,” Jaehyun says meekly. “Shouldn’t I wait a little longer?”
“Longer? You waited seven years!” Yuta laughs. “My God, you are so frustrating. You had more game when you decided to charm me than with the guy you are actually in love with.”
“Well.” Jaehyun lowers his stare and drinks his beer.
“You like him,” Yuta says. “You’ve liked him all this time, and you did nothing. How do you live with yourself? I would have gone crazy.”
“I-I don’t know.” Jaehyun sighs. “You’re right. I’m stupid. And a coward.”
“Maybe Johnny wasn’t it for Doyoung,” Yuta says. “And I mean, obviously he wasn’t. He was a Los Angeles actor. But a guy will come who will be it. And you’ll lose him again. You know why? Ask me why.”
Jaehyun glances at him. “Why?”
“Because you aren’t in a K-drama,” Yuta says. “Fate won’t pull the strings for you to be together. Life isn’t a movie, where everything is set up by someone else to end in a happily ever after. If you don’t act on your feelings, nothing will happen. It’s all in your hands.”
It’s all in his hands.
It’s a rainy fall afternoon and Doyoung is over. Like always, they are watching a K-drama. His conversation with Yuta is fresh in Jaehyun’s mind and he wasn’t able to be at rest the entire time Doyoung has been here.
Doyoung pauses the TV. “I’m gonna make some tea. Want some?”
“Yeah.”
He watches Doyoung go.
And in the silence, all Jaehyun can hear is Yuta yelling at him.
He gets up and trails to the kitchen, where Doyoung is going over the tea box.
“What flavor do you want?” Doyoung asks.
“Mint.” Jaehyun leans against the doorframe.
“Good, me too.”
Doyoung separates the individual bags and grabs two cups.
“Doie, I…”
“What?” He opens the packs and places the bags inside the cups.
“Do you remember that night when I graduated?” he asks.
Doyoung chuckles. “Yes.”
“Can I say something about it with no judgment?” Jaehyun asks.
“Of course.”
“I thought about… kissing you. That night.”
Doyoung freezes in place. His back is still turned to Jaehyun, so he can’t see his expression. He waits, his stomach churning. The water bubbles inside the electric kettle.
“Oh.” It’s what Doyoung replies.
Jaehyun’s face burns. “Yeah. I did. But I didn’t.”
“I know you didn’t. I was there,” Doyoung says, grabbing the kettle and pouring the water.
“Is that crazy?” Jaehyun asks. “That I thought about it.”
“I don’t know. Why did you think about it?”
“Because,” Jaehyun says. “Because you are attractive.”
“Am I?”
“Yes. But I thought it would be a bad idea because we were good friends.”
Doyoung finally turns, bringing Jaehyun his cup. His expression is unreadable.
“Do you think it’s a bad idea?” Jaehyun asks. “Or do you think it’s a bad idea that I thought it was a bad idea?”
Doyoung chuckles. “Jae. What are you saying?”
“I—I don’t know.”
They look each other in the eye.
“Why are you bringing this up?” Doyoung asks. “Do you want to kiss me now?”
Jaehyun gulps. There is no fate at play here. They aren’t in a K-drama. And it certainly doesn’t feel or look like a romantic scene from a movie.
“I would be flattered if you’d let me kiss you.”
Doyoung smiles. “You would?”
“Yes.”
“Okay,” Doyoung answers simply.
“Okay?”
“Okay.”
They fall silent, not moving an inch. And Jaehyun realizes Doyoung is waiting for him to do it, to kiss him. He steps closer, and closer, and closer… Their noses touch. Doyoung’s eyes fall shut.
And Jaehyun kisses him.
With their teacups in their hands, standing in the kitchen. After having what was probably the most awkward conversation they ever had.
But the softness and scent that remind Jaehyun of the dream he had, knowing it is real this time, is enough to make this realistic, inherently unromantic first kiss, the most romantic kiss he ever had. His heart flutters and tingles crawl down his back. He immediately wants more, to keep going deeper. He shifts closer and their teacups bump, hot liquid slipping out and burning their hands.
“Ouch!”
Jaehyun steps back. He gauges Doyoung’s expression. His cheeks are pink as he smiles.
“So, what did you think of your bad idea?” Doyoung asks.
Jaehyun grabs their cups, places them on the table, and grabs Doyoung in his lap. He takes him to the living room couch, making him laugh, and sets him there, getting on top of him.
“Wow,” Doyoung says, winded.
They hold each other tight, Jaehyun’s fingers intertwining with Doyoung’s black hair.
“I should listen to my bad ideas more often,” Jaehyun whispers.
“You should.”
And then they kiss again.