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One day you’ll flourish like a flower in the Spring, the light will come to you and everything will be as peaceful as you ever wanted it to be.
“Your love feels so fake
And my demands aren't high to make
If I could get to sleep
I would have slept by now
Your lies will never keep
I think you need to blow 'em out.”
That’s what they always say, or at least that’s what they said to me. And as a child I thought it was the absolute truth, the one I must always follow no matter what. But today I don’t see things like that anymore. No, now things are different, when I was a child, I was full of hope and joy, always smiling and laughing, I was carefree. But when I became older, well, that’s another story, I just realized after all this time that life wasn’t like the promises they would tell me, no it’s hard and tough, tearing and exhausting. They say to keep the hope, to see the light at the end of the tunnel, to be optimistic. I used to be like that too, a long time ago.
“I'll sit and watch your car burn
With the fire that you started in me
But you never came back to ask it out
Go ahead and watch my heart burn
With the fire that you started in me
But I'll never let you back to put it out.”
Today here I am standing in front of this mirror with my wand and my letter, looking at the tired, pale and scarred form in front of me, it’s disgusting, this person that I don’t recognize anymore, a stranger without identity born from the abyss of life.
All of this, running into my head like a spiral with no end. I stand here making my final choice, the one who will seal my faith, the one you can’t have a second thought on, the biggest one you’ll ever make, life or death.
People always tells you that it’s an easy choice to make, that it’s obviously life because seriously, who wants to die when you can live and enjoy having the chance to see and experience new things all the time? But I don’t think this was ever an easy choice, oh no it was never one, you have to think to everything, every point for every part of the question and it just requires you to think, to analyze, to decrypt, to judge, to see the reality.
And me you would ask but what is your choice? What will you choose in the end? Me, me I’ve chosen my answer a long time ago, death. Why death? Because life is just useless when you’re like me, no use to the society, just an additional burden.
Life is just not fun anymore, not interesting you get bored, always the same, again and again till you can’t anymore. So I choose death. And no one will change this, I gave this such deep thoughts and merciless fighting that I can’t step back now.
It’s been a year since I started to really have my final answer in mind and I’m glad I have it now. Every day I walk in those corridors, this staircase, and the great hall, all of those places where I walked a million times, but it still feels like I’ve never belonged here, like I am the red guy between all the green people, looking down, walking fast and hiding how I will give my last breath in the world of the living’s, how I’ll set my soul free from such tormenting pain.
This pain is what I deserve. But when you’re weak you don’t want this pain, and neither do I. I thought they cared but who cares for the one who couldn’t be with the light and chose the darkness instead, who cares for the villain like they say.
I’ve chosen the darkness and now it’s too late to come back, I’ve chosen to be the villain in this story, to be the bad guy the one everyone hates and the arch-enemy of the guy everyone loves.
Today will be the day Draco Malfoy will take on his responsibilities, for the greater good.
I take my wand in my hand, this wood I’ve held for six years of my life, it’s such a familiar and foreigner feeling at the same time. I take it and I think maybe I could find another way, maybe they would still accept me in the light, what if my soul can be rescued? But no it must be this way and no other.
I take it and I just occlude my racing mind, I want to die with my mind in peace the only thing I deserve and nothing else. I take it and I raise it, everything is feeling like slow motion, I take it and I raise it to my chest, this adrenaline, that I feel going through my veins. I take it and I raise it to my chest, but before I can do anything I see cuts opening themselves on my flesh, going deep, tearing apart my being.
I fall on the floor at peace. Well Potter got me first with the sectemptrusa, we thought the same I guess, that I deserved this one curse but he got it first.
Again the half-blood prince serves light and darkness at the same time.
My chest is full of blood, a beautiful crimson color, adding to the one running from my sliced wrists. Maybe with those and my chest this time it will be the end.
Maybe this time they will understand that broken promises makes you fall, sink and drown in this infinite void of false hope, turning into hopelessness, but now it’s too late. As I see the darkness threatening to consume me I think to one last thing.
Thank you Harry. Thank you for giving me back my freedom, setting my soul free of life and broken promises.
“When you call my name
Do you think I'll come runnin'?
You never did the same
So good at givin' me nothin'
When you close your eyes, do you picture me?
When you fantasize, am I your fantasy?
Now you know
Now I'm free.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“I’m sorry Draco. I wish I could have saved you, for you to see the beautiful world, after all of this fighting for our freedom, you deserved it too.” He said, letter in hand, in this graveyard, 15 years after the death of the one who used to be his nemesis.
“Rest in peace.”
For W.