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Todd was never one for academic validation. He always excelled in his tests, studied because he had to, and did well with his work. He never cared for wanting the validation of any teacher or friend or a brother or parent.
Until maybe he did.
Because when he was handed his essay back and looked at the large letter written in bright red ink at the corner of his paper, every ounce of dignity and confidence was sucked out in an instant while the letter was staring back at him yelling FAILURE! LOSER!
When Neil came back to their shared apartment after finishing his classes, he found a distressed Todd, leaned over at the dining table with terrible posture, one shaky hand running through his hair and the other holding his pencil, fiddling with it, looking down at piles of papers and notes.
Neil guessed Todd didn’t hear him come in because he didn’t look up from what seemed like endless amounts of homework.
“Hey babe!”
No response.
“Todd? Hello?” Todd finally looked up with frenzied eyes. He was wearing his reading glasses which were tilting off from the bridge of his nose.
“Oh. Hey, Neil.” Neil winced a bit at the evident flatness of Todd’s voice. He slipped off his jacket, tossing it on the couch before making his way to the kitchen to fix himself a bowl of cereal.
“How was class?” At this, the bouncing of the pencil stopped and so did the hand running through his hair. Todd tried to answer, but he only managed to stutter a couple of words before he released a heavy huff and wasn’t able to stop the tears forming in his eyes. Neil quickly saw this and the box of cornflakes was left abandoned.
“Shit, babe, what’s wrong?” Neil immediately scurried his way to Todd’s side in a matter of seconds, rubbing his back and fixing the hair infront of his eyes behind his ear. “Did something happen? Did someone hurt you?”
All Todd could do what choke out random sentences while hot tears were streaming down his cheeks, not being able to catch his breath.
“Todd calm- Todd! Slow down, catch your breath. I can’t catch a word you’re saying.”
It took Todd at least five minutes to finally compose himself, although still leaned over with his back curved, moving a hand up to cover the side of his face, seemingly embarrassed.
“I failed my written exam in english today.”
Oh. He sighed internally at the relief of not having to hunt anybody down if they had hurt Todd, he had done it before and he’d do it again. Although, a little puzzled because he’d never seen Todd so worked up over a grade. He kneeled down to level with Todd face to face and cupped his cheek for him to look at Neil in the eyes, rubbing his thumb over the marks of streaming tears.
“Oh, babe, it’s okay. It’s just one, stupid test. There’ll be plenty of other tests to make up for it, I’m sure!”
Neil’s attempt at comforting didn’t help whatsoever, because Todd continued to tremble and mutter words between chokes.
“No, you don’t get it Neil. This is the worst grade I’ve ever received. I’m falling behind, I failed, they were right and I failed.”
Neil wasn’t sure what Todd meant by “they” but he dismissed it to put his focus back on Todd. “Todd, one failing grade doesn’t define you or your intelligence.”
“I know- I know! But no! I feel like an idiot.” Todd crossed his arms and slumped his head down on the table, shoving his face into his arms.
“Can I see it?” Todd sat up hesitantly so and rummaged through the mountain of papers. He finally pulled out his essay, folded and wrinkly, and handed it to Neil without looking at him, eyes glued downwards.
Neil started unfolding the paper, “I’m sure it’s not that bad, it’s-“
And he paused, blinking in confusion, staring at the red letter on the corner.
“Todd, this is a C-“
At this, Todd looks up at Neil, a baffled expression across his face. “Might as well have failed!”
“Todd, a C- is not failing! It’s average! Average is not bad.”
“Average isn’t enough.”
Now Neil was seriously confused. He wasn’t aware of how much of a perfectionist Todd was. Sure, he would take a long time writing and revising and proofreading his papers and poems, but he thought the reason for that was because Todd just liked turning in respectable work. Almost pulling his hair out and tearing down the walls because of a C- was unexpected though.
“Average isn’t the best, but it’s way better than failing, which you didn’t!” Todd looked away and rubbed his face, groaning. “But I did, and I proved them right.”
There again with the mysterious them. Who the hell was he referring to? “Todd, talk to me. This can’t really be about getting a C-, is it?”
Todd turned to face Neil, eyes puffy and nose red. “I’ve never had a C before, Neil. I’ve always received A’s and the lowest a solid B. I’ve never slipped up this bad.”
“Everyone slips and messes up sometimes, Todd, it’s part of the learning experience.”
“I wasn’t allowed to mess up.” Neil frowned, still not quite understanding. “What do you mean?”
Todd sighed and slumped his shoulders, staring blankly across the room. “I wasn’t allowed to have anything less than what was expected, which was at minimum a B+. The one time I got a solid B, they went batshit ballistic on me and started calling me a disappointment and that I was going to flunk school, that I had no future and would compare me to my brother endlessly. Why couldn’t I get good grades like him? He does sports and still manages, why can’t I be more like him? Why couldn’t I have been a better son? My parents never really cared for my existence but it seemed like the only thing they saw me for was my grades.” He took a deep breath before speaking again.
“I don’t know. I guess I panicked because I saw this letter grade I knew I wasn’t allowed to have and all I saw was my parents belittling me and their voices filling up my head with the constant reminder I’m a failure.” Another silent tear streaking down his face.
Todd was spilling out his feelings and Neil’s heart broke. He knew Todd’s parents were practical assholes from small stories he heard, but Todd never really opened up that much about them and how they basically mentally abused him as of now, and all Neil could do was sit in silence and feel his own waterworks creeping up in his eyes.
All Neil wanted to do was take his boyfriend, his lover, and smother him with love, remind him of the beautiful and intelligent soul he is and that he is a person worth loving. He wanted to take his inner child that was projecting these feelings and resentments and heal him, help him move forward from his traumas. For now, though, he stood, wrapped his arms around him from behind and rested his chin on top of Todd’s head, feeling Todd’s hands hold his arm.
“You’re not though. A failure I mean. You’re so far from that. Look at how far you’ve come. You go to school and you’re passing all of your classes, you work and you live here and everything is under control. Don’t let those sorry excuses of parents get in the way of that by letting them get to your head. One C isn’t going to set your future, only you can do that.”
Minutes of silence passed by, letting the comfort of each other take over this horrible evening, listening as Todd’s breathing came to a steady pace.
Neil felt a kiss being planted on his arm, and watched as Todd got up from where he was sitting at and turned to face Neil with a soft smile and tired eyes filled endearment. He wrapped his arms around Neil’s neck, pulling him into a hug, which Neil quickly followed by wrapping his over Todd’s back, further pressing their bodies together, taking in the warmth of the embrace.
“You’re so good to me, I don’t know how you have so much patience,” Todd spoke as he rested his head on Neil’s shoulder.
“It’s because I love you. So much.”
Todd hummed in content, pressing soft, tender kisses on Neil’s jaw.
“I love you too.”
Neil smiled and planted a kiss on Todd’s forehead. “C’mon, let me make you some food, you need it.”
And with that, they ate their dinner, and Todd felt exceptionally better. Neil later helped him study for a bit before dragging him by the hand to the couch, where they turned the tv on to their favorite show, to which not long after, they were both falling asleep on the couch. Todd on top of Neil, while Neil has one arm wrapped around the blonde and the other lazily running his fingers through his hair.
And everything was okay.