Chapter Text
The life of a pirate was free, everyone said; nevermind that there were roles to fill on a ship, time that needed to be spent in keeping things going as they should and helping crewmates when needed, as well as a captain’s rule to follow (not that Luffy was one for extravagant demands - except for copious amounts of meat). They were lucky enough to have more or less chosen their role, but even a job that was wanted and loved posed a limit to one’s freedom and free time for the benefit of the collective (only the first mate wasn't, it often seemed, as the man didn’t do much other than training and napping, at least while they were at sea).
The cook’s role was for sure one of the busiest, as regular meals were necessary for the wellbeing of the crew (and the captain's above all); Sanji made it even busier for himself by making additional snacks to keep the crew’s spirits high during uneventful days at sea, to keep the ladies cheerful and the captain sated. Additionally, time not spent cooking was used to take inventory of their reserves and plan meals accordingly, and when the ship docked it was necessary to shop for groceries.
Still, life at sea did allow for occasional moments of free time, whether on an island (before or after they dealt with whatever trouble they inevitably ran into, and after restocking was done) or during long nights at sea when preparations had been done and sleep was yet to be found. There were times, when the sea was calm and the horizon clear, that seemed to be made to reflect on life and the state of things.
Unfortunately, introspection had never come easy to Sanji: it was much too easy to dig up the painful memories that hid just under the surface at night, so when he couldn’t sleep he went for tried and tested distractions, such as rehearsing lines and jokes he could use to woo ladies into giving him their precious attention in whatever island their journey would take them to next. All for naught, of course, he never found success beyond the realms of his imagination; he ran his mouth with praises and promises, but it didn’t interest the majority of the girls he talked to.
He could see it, he wasn’t blind to other people’s reaction, and he could even understand it: who would choose to spend more time than needed with such an excessive man as him? It wasn’t as if he could switch off his doting (overbearing) nature, as if he could be less of a romantic (idiot) than what came as second nature to him. He was, and had to be, satisfied with what little he could get, with the occasional time he got to indulge in a lady's attention, when his status as savior surpassed his undesirable personality in their eyes.
It was fun, at times, to let himself go, but more often than not it left him feeling even worse, knowing that all he could be for those lovely girls was a distraction from everyday life, that he wasn’t meant to be important to anyone. It was for the best that they didn’t get attached, as he didn’t want to cause harm and the dangers of life at sea made it incompatible with the sort of relationship he secretly sought; still, his romantic nature yearned for more than he could ever have, quiet reassurance of mutual affection he couldn’t get from those girls, wouldn't even dream of asking for.
Well, it’d have to wait until the end of their adventure.
Other than in the romantic field, though, he was content with his life. He had his crew, and their friendship was a blessing that kept him afloat in those days where melancholy and loneliness got the better of him. All in all, he could consider himself satisfied, having a crew of friends who supported each other in their respective talents and believed in each other's dreams. He may not have if all, but he had enough.
That is, until he didn’t.
Because of course he had to ruin it in some ways, tip the scale of friendly affection over into romantic feelings towards one of his crewmates, and it wasn’t even the way he expected.
He could have almost forgiven himself had he fallen for the charms of one of the beautiful ladies in their crew, had almost expected to in the beginning; but he had managed to stay in lane with them, not failing the trust they had in him having a grip on his feelings, even when he went overboard with his actions.
No, he didn't fall for one of the ladies; he had to go and fall for the brute swordsman they had as a second-in-command.
Rationally, he knew the other man had no part in it, hadn’t somehow coerced him into being attracted to him, but he still considered it as another fault of his, another way Zoro prevented him from finding any manner of peace in his day-to-day life.
He was already aware of his unfortunate occasional attraction to men due to a few accidents back on the Baratie, but it had been easier to ignore his misguided feelings a bigger ship, in an environment where people his age came and went, becoming acquaintances at most, while everyone else was way older and basically family to him; it was much too easy to keep distance and avoid temptation.
On the Going Merry it was quite impossible, considering the smaller size of the ship and the company being that of a tightly knit crew such as the Strawhats, people who hadn’t seen him grow up, who didn’t know his past but still had gotten understood him all too well through the unbreakable bond of shared experiences. Not getting attached was objectively impossible, and from there it was easy to lose grip on his feelings, even towards the most unlikely subject for his affections.
The excuse he came up with for his own peace of mind was that of some sort of Stockholm Syndrome situation, having spent so much time arguing with Zoro had to have triggered some sort of switch in the opposite direction than it was supposed to; that was the only explanation, and thus the only solution was creating distance to allow things to go back to normal. He started ignoring the swordsman, avoiding him as much as possible on the tiny ship, not rising up to his challenges and hiding away in the kitchen, keeping the doors locked all day except for meal times. It worked at first, as the moss haired man, not as dumb as it seemed, started making himself scarce pretty quickly as well, and he could pretend everything was normal, even as he caught confused looks from him as well as the rest of the crew.
Of course, his peace wasn't meant to last long, a few days into the execution of his plan the man cornered him late at night in the kitchen, which he had left open thinking everyone was asleep; he knew he was easy to find on the small ship, but he had hoped to have been given more time to get over the whole situation.
Now, still in withdrawal from the adrenaline their fights brought, he couldn’t help but surrender, anticipating the fight the swordsman would start to resume their routine.
Only that didn’t happen.
The swordsman barged in, asking for explanations as if he had been personally offended by the lack of yelling and kicking in his recent life.
It had to be a matter of additional training he was no longer getting, he reasoned, not willing to listen to the traitorous voice that hoped for a different motivation to his actions.
“Why are you avoiding me?” Zoro had asked, a note of hurt in the slight strain of his voice if he dared to hope for it, and just like that Sanji ran out of time for excuses.
Unwilling to answer honestly and unable to deny, he tried the only option left: picking a fight.
“Maybe I didn’t want to be bothered by hearing your annoying voice more than I have to! Don’t you have anything better to do than follow me around like a mother hen?”
He yelled a bit louder than he meant to, startling the other man with the intensity of his answer to the relatively tame if direct question. They stared at each other for a moment, before the swordsman turned his head, grunting as if he had just made a decision.
“Maybe I wanted to know that you were alright, make sure that things were good between us.” He scratched the back of his head, avoiding his eyes, before continuing: “It’s not like I actually hate you, you know? We all care about each other here, in case you haven't noticed, and it's kind of my duty to make sure everyone’s doing well. Besides that… I just want to know how you’re doing”.
Stunned by Zoro’s unexpected display of emotional intelligence, he could only stare in his eyes, which were fixed on him, waiting almost hesitantly for an answer.
Sanji felt conflicted, unable to lie to such openness but unwilling to reveal his embarrassing thoughts. He settled for a quiet “I’m good, just busy thinking. I promise I’ll be back to kicking your ass in no time”; he got a slight smile at the joke, before Zoro opened his mouth, closing it again before he could start speaking. He looked at the man as he collected his thoughts, seeing his confused expression fill with determination as he went.
“Listen, if I'm confusing you more I'll stop, but I don't want to keep kicking your ass if you think I actually want to hurt you. Like I said, we all care about each other here but… fuck it, you're special to me, cook” Zoro was fidgeting as he spoke, his gaze going from side to side before settling on Sanji as he finished speaking. Was he… nervous?
Wait, what did he just say?
Sanji stood still, shocked by the unexpected confession; that's what it was, right? There was no way to interpret the words as anything else, and still it was so surreal that he couldn't believe it. The feelings he had been blaming himself for all these days were mutual? What was he supposed to do about it? There was no coming out of it in a gentlemanly manner: he couldn't allow himself to return the feeling that had just been expressed towards him, it wasn't proper, it would be unfair to give his attention to a man when so many lovely ladies ought to have it, disrespectful to his future wife to follow through with such an affair in any way, be it merely emotional or even physical.
At the same time, he couldn't leave such honesty unanswered, especially coming from a friend; it might have been an unwritten rule of conduct, taken for granted by Zeff's teaching, but still he felt it went against his principles to even let the subject drop.
Zoro, evidently disturbed by the increased awkwardness of the situation, spoke again “Well, I think I broke you” he joked, but the humor wasn't quite there “Uhh… you don't have to say anything, I just wanted to let you know, I guess. Come find me if you want to talk, you know where I am” . With that he left, his steps missing some of the natural confidence they usually had.
Sanji stood still for a while longer.
A part of him longed to reach the swordsman, to hold him, soothe him, confess his every secret and thought and feeling, but that would have been silly. There was no way they could be close, and the brute wouldn't be interested in the mess that was his mind, even if he was attracted to his body, and especially if he admired his strength.
He felt messed up and torn mentally in a way he hadn't in a while, struggling between his duty as a proper member of the crew as well as a respectable gentleman, now at odds with the tumultuous beating of his heart, which couldn't seem to go back to normal as kept thinking about Zoro's words, and how he longed to hear more of them, all his confessions and secrets and unexpected truths.
They said sleep brought clarity, so Sanji finished the cleanup he had started before the encounter then went to bed, restlessly turning until exhaustion got the better of him and his body gave up to rest.