Chapter Text
Week One: 64.0kg
Niall had never really paid much attention to his weight before he became famous. He ate when he was hungry and he ate what he wanted. He ate for nourishment, he ate for enjoyment, and sometimes he ate because he was bored. It was a normal relationship with food, and he'd never thought twice about. That all changed when the world's eyes all turned to him and pulled apart every square inch of his body, when he found himself stood amongst the variety of lean, muscular, toned bodies that were his band mates and associates. And it's not like it happened overnight. He wasn't blissfully unaware one day and an anxious, self-destructing mess the next. It was a cumulative effect over months and years warping both Niall's conscious and subconscious mind. He couldn't pinpoint an exact moment in time where he tipped over the edge. All Niall knew was that one eating habit led to the next and here he was, in the gym with the other boys on PT day weighing in at 64kg. Two kilograms down from last month, five kilograms down since he started taking notice. Tom, one of the trainers leaned over the scales and squinted at the number. Niall watched Tom's eyebrows furrow and subtly throw a concerned glance at his colleague, Jack. The tension hung thick and heavy in the room, and noone was speaking but Niall could practically hear what everyone must be thinking. 'This is the third month in a row your weight has dropped, Niall. Are you sticking with your meal plan?' And honestly, Niall is glad noone was saying anything because he didn't really have the energy to lie through his teeth right now, assure them of course he's sticking to the meal plan, maybe the scales are wrong, maybe he just didn't drink enough water, maybe he missed a protein shake or two. He stepped quietly off the scale and looked over to Liam who was lifting free weights with another trainer. His eyes gawked at the size of the weights; Niall could barely work out with one's half as heavy. He'd always tended more towards cardio anyway, sweating away his body weight in water and burning through the calories... Made it all feel a bit more worth it.
"You alright, Niall?" Niall looked back at Tom, mind still miles away. "Hmm? Yeah, sorry."
"So I was thinking maybe we could use the rest of the day to revise your diet and exercise plan a bit. Tweak a few things here and there, how does that sound?"
"Sure, whatever you thinks best," Niall responded robotically.
There was no point protesting, would just draw more attention to himself. They made their way into a sideroom and settled in chairs across from each other. A modern white desk with an even newer computer atop lay between them, and Niall had never felt so much like a sick patient in a doctor's office here before. Tom produced some paper, his 'file', Niall thought humourlessly, and watched Tom shuffle through them before pulling out a specific one. Tom laid it out between them, and Niall could see the bolded words at the top, 'Diet Plan'. They went through it meticulously, gram by gram, calorie by calorie, and came out with a total calculated number. 3000 calories was how much Niall consumed if he stuck with this devilish plan, and a wave of nausea washed through his stomach just at the thought of it.
"You having any trouble with this plan at all, mate?"
Niall read between the lines. "Are you actually eating what you're supposed to, Niall?" He lied instead, of course. He would never let someone brainwash him with this shit just to fatten him up. He was already fat enough. "Nah, it's fine. Sometimes forget about the afternoon protein shake but otherwise it's pretty standard."
Tom nodded and looked deeply into Niall's eyes. Niall felt uncomfortable but held the eye contact confidently. Tom stared a few moments longer, then sighed and dropped his gaze back to meal plan. "You should be getting enough calories in you then. Let's have a look at the exercise plan." He pulled out a booklet and flipped through the pages. After a few minutes and few more numbers jotted down on the notepad beside him, Tom pushed his 'file' to the side.
"Right. Here's what I think we should do. I'll make a few adjustments to your diet plan, increase some of the protein elements and see if Jack has any other suggestions. In terms of exercise, maybe we could focus more on weight training and cut back a little on the cardio. And-" Tom paused and eyed Niall carefully before continuing, "And I think we should do weekly weigh-ins. Just for a while until we know the plan is working."
Niall tensed a little at that. His world had began revolving around the monthly weigh-ins. The electronic numbers would flash in front him with every bite of food that made it passed his lips, the numbers screamed at him, followed him, and everytime he stepped up onto the scales he could feel the disgusted looks people would send him as the numbers soared up and up and up. He knew people could see the fat hanging off him and every kilogram felt heavy and wrong. And he wasn't stupid though, really he wasn't, he knew the others boys weighed in at much higher numbers than him. But they were so built and muscular and everything that Niall wasn't. Niall was just weak and fat and pathetic, and he knew he had to get the fat off before he could even think about beginning to build muscle.
"Yeah sure, whatever you want," Niall said instead. It was easier to take whatever bullshit people would spout at him and just go home and deal with things in his own way. It was working, right? His weight was dropping. His clothes didn't cling to him so tightly anymore, he felt lighter, sometimes if he went enough time without eating at all he could almost imagine himself just floating away into nothingness, and that was such a comforting thought to Niall. Life in the fast lane was so chaotic, it was nice to sometimes just tune everything out and drift away.