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“Dahyun needs to take a break.”
Mina watches Jihyo open her mouth suddenly, pause, then carefully close it again. She nods quietly. “I’ll cite medical?”
Mina sighs in relief. She wasn’t sure what she would be met with when she, Sana, and Momo talked about the next steps. The one thing the three of them agreed upon is that Dahyun needs a break from the spotlight. And, while it doesn’t matter, now is a strangely convenient time. During late November and most of December, they have no live schedules, just various shoots and product promos, which can be reworked without much effort.
Mina nods carefully at Jihyo, then moves to slip out of her leader’s room. “Mina—“ Jihyo blurts before pausing, unsure. “Let me know if she - or you - need anything, okay? And I mean anything.”
The meaningful look Jihyo gives her tells her more than words could. The desperate worry and the stress of it all swim in her dark eyes, and Mina can tell that it’s really hard for her to stay on the sidelines.
Mina tries to reassure her as best as she can. “I will, I promise. Thank you.”
*
Since then, Mina, Sana, and Momo have taken to looking after Dahyun. Everyone else of course did too - especially Tzuyu; every night their youngest crawls into bed with Dahyun and doesn’t leave her side. That being said, Mina was sure to do her research to brief the members on appropriate versus inappropriate behaviours.
And it’s good that she did, because Sana had wanted to sit Dahyun down to get to eat a ‘proper breakfast,’ Nayeon had wanted to shower Dahyun with compliments on how she looked, and Chaeyoung had wanted to get all of her favourite junk food in piles. Mina explained to all of them that while they are coming from the right place, doing any of those things would be overwhelming, too much, or would make things worse.
After long discussions with each member and tears from everyone, Mina was satisfied with their knowledge and outlook. They had a tentative support plan.
And while Mina didn’t expect it to be easy, she was filled with a steely determination that she’ll do anything within her power to help Dahyun in the best ways possible.
*
“Deep breath for me, Dahyunnie, okay?”
Dahyun nods, eyes squeezed shut but tears still streaming down her cheeks. Her hands are shaking in Sana’s stable grasp, fingers digging uncomfortably into the back of the older woman’s hands, but Sana bears it. She would a million times over if it helps Dahyun.
Dahyun takes a wobbly breath, sob hiccuping in her throat on the inhale, though it looks like she’s still trying to keep the sobs in, to pull herself together.
Sana scoots her chair over to Dahyun’s, wrapping her free arm around the trembling girl’s shoulders. “Let it out, it’s okay,” Sana says as she holds Dahyun close, the other girl pressing against her even closer. “I’ve got you.”
Her words seem to work, Dahyun melting into her as she begins to cry freely. Sana has to blink away tears in her own eyes as she presses a kiss onto Dahyun’s head. Now’s not the time for her tears, she doesn’t want to make Dahyun feel even worse.
“I’m sorry-“ Dahyun warbles, crying eventually having slowed but not stopped “-I don’t know why this is so hard.” Her voice cracks on the last syllable as her own words sink in, triggering another bout of sobs.
Sana shakes her head as she rubs gentle circles on Dahyun’s back. Her eyes fall on the culprit of this whole ordeal: breakfast. It’s oatmeal topped with fruit and yogurt, one bowl sitting in front of Sana, and the other in front of Dahyun.
Breakfast together has become a routine for them, Sana or sometimes Momo prepare something healthy and normal for the two of them to eat together. Sana would eat, trying to be a stable figure for Dahyun to mirror, to provide gentle support and encouragement, to bring some sort of normalcy to mealtime - all those things - while Dahyun did her best.
And Dahyun really did give it the best she could every day - she had already made progress in the week they’ve been doing this. Sana is endlessly proud, and Dahyun’s efforts only fuel her motivation to be better for Dahyun.
“Don’t apologize, honey,” she soothes, “it’s okay. I’m by your side through it all, okay?”
She feels Dahyun nod into her before she continues. “Rewiring your brain like this is really, really hard, and you work so hard every day. I’m very proud of you.”
“Really?” It’s muffled, tearful.
“Really,” Sana confirms. “Just a week ago you could barely sit here with me, and now look at you!”
Sana will be honest - at first, she didn’t get it. She had all the right pieces, well, most of them: the empathy, the understanding of other struggles people go through, all that. Hell, she’d even coached Mina through an anxiety attack, held Tzuyu when the younger woman was so homesick she could barely breathe, and countless other things. She isn’t the main pillar of emotional support in their little group for nothing.
That being said, she missed a few key things specifically about eating disorders that Mina had to sit her down and talk her through. (Thank god for Mina, that woman really is an encyclopedia).
Mina told her that it’s not as simple as eating more food, it requires time and delicacy and kindness. That eating disorders affect the way you see food and also how you see yourself, that it’s a horrible feedback loop of a cycle that spirals and spirals. That they’re going to have to work with Dahyun to almost re-wire her brain, to break some connections and re-create some other ones. Because, currently, the thought of eating to Dahyun is so genuinely terrifying and causes so much anxiety that changing this is going to require a long time of hard work.
After that, Sana understood better. She can never really, truly understand, but it opened her mind and has allowed her to be - she hopes it has allowed her to be - a good source of support for Dahyun.
She continues holding Dahyun close, still rubbing her back softly. She’ll stay here as long as Dahyun needs - till the end of time if she has to.
Eventually, however, Dahyun calms enough to pull back. Her lips wobble and her eyes are red but her breathing has slowed. She looks at the bowl in front of her.
“Do you want to continue?” Sana quietly prompts. It’s a genuine question, she’d whisk their bowls away in a split second if Dahyun wanted her to. The younger girl put in a valiant effort today, and that’s all Sana can ask for.
But Dahyun sets her jaw, grim determination glowing in her eyes. “Yeah. Just — a bit more at least.”
Sana nods, “okay.”
*
“Leave me alone!” Comes the cry from behind the closed door.
Momo very quietly sighs, taking a slow, deep breath. She’s never been good at dealing with angry people; she tends to shut down, get quiet, and wait it out.
But she can’t afford to wait this out.
Momo takes another breath, the exhale hitting the wooden door still inches from her face. She hasn’t moved since Dahyun slammed it with a yell of frustration.
Momo doesn’t blame her, of course. Well, she logically doesn’t. Emotionally, she’s hurt and wants to retreat to her room to curl up under her duvet in silence.
Another breath, nice and slow.
But she doesn’t go back to her room, doesn’t let her emotions take charge. It’s hard for her to do this, but she’s been working on it, and Dahyun is important to Momo - she can do this for her.
That’s what she tells herself: she cares for Dahyun, she wants Dahyun to be safe, Dahyun isn’t mad at her personally, Dahyun is going through a lot.
Breathe in, breathe out.
“Dahyun,” Momo tries, making her she’s loud enough to be heard. “Please, let me in.”
There’s a brief pause, long enough for Momo to breathe again, nice and slow. “I want to be alone,” comes the muffled response.
“I know,” Momo sighs, “I know. But-“ There’s a loud, bratty, groan, and Momo’s fist clenches tight. “But you can’t, you know this.” She unclenches her fist.
Dahyun has locked herself in the bathroom in an angry haze, storming away from the kitchen, yelling at Momo about how “I try so hard, why doesn’t anyone see that?”
Everyone does see that, and Momo knows they tell her that a normal amount - constantly would be weird, so they try to keep a balance. Though she understands Dahyun can’t see it like that right now; Anxiety-turned-anger colours one’s memory a certain way.
But regardless of past events, Dahyun can’t be in the bathroom alone, for reasons that are obvious to everyone who lives in the dorm. (There’s a toilet, and Dahyun is scared of calories; it’s not a puzzle).
There’s no response, so she tries again. “You agreed to this.”
Dahyun sighs, pointedly loud enough for Momo to hear, but doesn’t say anything further. It’s a step, but Momo really needs her to open that door.
She tries something else, telling herself she’s appealing to a different side of Dahyun, but in reality, she’s worried and she cares so, so much.
“Dahyunnie,” Momo says, letting her forehead rest against the door with a thump. “I love you, and I care about you so much.” Her eyes squeeze shut, trying to will away tears. “Please, help me help you.”
There’s a long silence, and Momo almost loses hope, but then there’s a sniff and a shuffle, and a moment later the door cracks open.
The lights from the bathroom reveal a tearful Dahyun, tear tracks still on her face. She sniffles again, face screwing up. “I’m sorry. I’m so s-“
“Shh,” Momo soothes as she shakes her head. She reaches out for Dahyun, but pauses because she’s not sure the younger girl wants to be touched.
When Dahyun leans into it, Momo wraps her in a hug, letting Dahyun bury her face in her shoulder. “It’s okay,” she says, truthful. “We’re okay, I understand, it’s a lot.”
Dahyun nods into her, still hiding her face.
As she pets the back of Dahyun’s head, she knows she isn’t lying. All the hurt she had once felt washed away when she saw Dahyun. All she wants is for the younger woman to be happy and healthy, and she’s willing to work through her own issues to help that happen.
“Bedroom?” Momo suggests. They both need a good cuddle.
“Yeah.”
*
“How…” Dahyun trails off, staring up at the ceiling.
Mina shifts, turning to her. “Yeah?”
They’re lying in Mina’s bed, both should be asleep but the thoughts are loud tonight, loud enough that Dahyun’s in a strangely talkative mood, and Mina is all ears.
Normally the younger woman is curled up with Tzuyu at this point in the evening, but Tzuyu is out at some event that keeps dragging on later and later, so Dahyun came to find Mina. She meekly cited something along the lines of, “It’s cold without her,” but they both know it’s not just that.
Dahyun hums, gears in her mind turning. “How are you so good at this? — at me?”
“What do you mean?”
“You seem to-“ Dahyun wrings her hands “-understand my problems better and watch everyone else very carefully when they’re around.”
Mina blinks, caught off guard. She didn’t know Dahyun noticed that.
Dahyun sighs. “I do see you side-eye them. It’s like you’re being extra protective of me.”
Mina looks over at Dahyun, taking a slow breath. She doesn’t know if Dahyun is bringing this up in a good or bad way, so she’s not sure if she should back-pedal or shrug. Thankfully, Dahyun continues.
“Like- I’m thankful, of course. It’s nice to have someone that gets it, but I’m curious why you get it.”
Oh . Mina’s mind reels, and she chooses to skirt carefully around the last part. “I’m glad it’s not a bad thing. I know there’s a lot of misconceptions, and I’d hate for anyone to do anything stupid - but not,” she quickly adds “-not in the way that you’re a bomb waiting to be set off, not at all, but in the way of it’s awful when people are insensitive and end up saying all the wrong things, even if they have good intentions.”
Dahyun nods along, turning to her when she’s finished. “You’re wise.”
Mina huffs with a slight roll of her eyes. “Not really, just have some life experience.”
A comfortable silence falls over them, and Mina stares at Dahyun through the darkness, thinking.
She knows what Dahyun is really asking, and she knows that Dahyun isn’t pushing, but some part of her wants to share exactly why she might have more of an insight into self-destructive behaviours and how to... deal with them, so to speak.
Mina feels oddly comfortable in this space they’ve created, and something in her feels a pull to share one of her darkest secrets with Dahyun.
However, it’s not only because she’s comfortable and it’s dark, but because it might help Dahyun feel less alone. It’s not just Dahyun that’s been through a rough patch.
She sits on the feeling for a long minute, still weighing it out. The only people who know about Mina’s rough patch are Momo and Sana, and an old friend from high school. Hell, Jihyo doesn’t even know, and she’s their leader.
But Jihyo wouldn’t understand like Dahyun would.
And again, it could help Dahyun feel less alone, and hopefully, like she has someone to share some of the more potentially concerning things with, who she’d know won’t jump to conclusions or overreact.
Mina sighs, not audibly, and the pull makes the decision for her. It’s something she wants to share.
Now Mina is the one that turns onto her back this time, eyes tracing the shadows on the ceiling.
“There is a reason I might be able to understand better,” she says, almost wincing at the sound of her own voice cleaving through the silence.
Dahyun hums to show she’s listening, but doesn’t push.
“I-“ fuck it “-I used to..” this part never gets easier “..hurt myself. Cut myself.” She takes a shaky breath, eyes fixed on a mysterious mark in the ceiling. She wonders how it got there. “So, of course, I don’t exactly know what you’re going through, but that helps me see where you’re coming from and sort of how to approach it.”
A long beat, and Mina can feel her heartbeat pounding in her fingertips. She doesn’t know why this still makes her so anxious, but here she lies, breath quickening as she waits for Dahyun to react.
“Oh,” is all the younger woman says. “Can I hug you?”
Mina answers by turning and pressing herself against Dahyun, feeling Dahyun’s arms wrap around her not a moment later. “I’m fine now.” That’s a lie. She doesn’t want to lie to Dahyun. “Well-“ she stutters “-I’m clean, have been for years, but sometimes I think about it.”
Dahyun nods. “I’m sorry I didn’t notice.”
Mina shakes her head. “That was the point. Only Momo and Sana know, and that’s because I told them.”
“Did a better job than me.”
Mina huffs a surprised laugh, lightly hitting Dahyun’s shoulder. Dahyun’s joking, she knows, but these jokes tend to hide some sort of adjacent real emotion under it.
“Dahyunnie,” she gently scolds, pressing their foreheads together.
They sit in the moment, Dahyun’s eyes closed as Mina’s eyes map Dahyun’s face, searching for hints of what the younger woman might be feeling.
“It’s really hard,” Dahyun says eventually, eyelids sliding back open and eyes shining with unshed tears, “trying to stop doing it.”
Emotions flood through Mina, gripping her heart in a vice. “I know,” she replies, holding Dahyun tighter. “I know.”
*
It’s a couple of weeks later, and in honour of their upcoming anniversary, the group decided to go out to dinner.
The idea was presented to Dahyun casually by Mina one evening, and after days of thought, Dahyun agreed to join. She wants to feel normal and for everyone to stop acting weird around her. They’re not really , but she can tell they’re a bit hesitant. It feels shitty.
Though she hasn’t “fixed” herself yet, she bitterly thinks, so maybe they should be hesitant around… wait, she has been trying. An internal voice that sounds a lot like Sana’s cuts herself off. Recovery isn’t linear, and even still, she’s been getting better at eating breakfast regularly with Sana. If every day she wakes up and tries, that’s better than nothing.
She nearly rolls her eyes at herself. Corny . No amount of self-talk can take away how fucking awful this situation is for her: the internal battles she has to go through every day grate at her soul like nothing else and she’s tired . Dahyun either wants to be fixed or to let herself spiral, but that’s not how it works. (She pushes the voice down that tells her she isn’t broken; she doesn’t care, because it feels like she is).
But even more than that, because she knows how impossible those options are, she just wants to go out and have fun like she used to. Good, normal, real, fun.
So that’s why she said yes.
Dahyun regrets it now. Her fingers press into the cuffs of her sweater, trying to hide the shaking of her hands.
They decided that they’d order a bunch of whatever sounded good on the menu so they could all share, and Dahyun was initially relieved because it meant she didn’t have to parse through the menu and order something for herself, but as plates of food continue to be brought to the table, her anxiety levels skyrocket.
She didn’t even get to look at the menu to see what exactly is in all of these dishes, so she has no idea what she’s going to have to put into her body. Eat, she means, what she’s going to have to eat .
Food starts getting dished around in a flash, Nayeon begins to eat as Jeongyeon scolds her that not everyone has their food yet, and Dahyun can hear her heart pounding in her ears. She doesn’t know what to do, there are so many eyes and so many people to have opinions and so many food options and - fuck - is that fried?
“Dahyunnie.” A voice snaps her attention forward, and it’s Sana, plate in her hand and soft smile on her face. “This is for you, is this okay?”
Dahyun gulps, looking at the plate. It’s surprisingly reasonable; It’s not overwhelming, and it has a nice selection of healthier-looking items. She nods.
All these breakfasts with Sana must’ve gotten the older woman familiar with what will and won’t overwhelm her (too much).
As she takes the plate and places it down on the table, she can feel the weight of eight pairs of eyes on her. It’s an awful, crushing weight, and her breath catches in her throat and she desperately wants to sink into the chair beneath her and then--
“Ooo, what’s this!” A voice chirps: it’s Sana, excitedly pointing at something across the table.
And then there are no eyes on her. Dahyun breathes a sigh of relief, weight (mostly) lifted.
Even so, her hands still violently shake under the table, and continue to do so as she reaches for her chopsticks.
Momo bumps Dahyun’s shoulder with her own as Dahyun stares down her food. “It’ll taste better in your mouth,” she jokes.
It catches Dahyun off-guard, but it’s lighthearted, it’s funny, and Dahyun has to crack a smile. It makes her feel more normal, in a way.
Momo slips her right hand into Dahyun’s left, squeezing lightly. I’m here with you .
Dahyun nods, agreeing with her joke - Momo is right. She starts with the small salad, chewing slowly and trying to enjoy the atmosphere of the people around her instead of focusing on what she’s doing. This is fine, this is good.
She hopes Momo doesn’t mind how hard she’s clutching her hand.
Dahyun slowly finishes half of the food on her small plate (granted, the easier half), before realizing how carried away she’d gotten. She blinks hard, breath stalling in her throat and chopsticks tapping at her plate. Fuck, she doesn’t know if she can finish this. Maybe this was a mistake, maybe she’s not ready, maybe this is all too much, and - oh god - what if she has a panic attack in the middle of a restaurant.
A hand lands on her lower back. “Breathe, Dahyunnie, you’re okay.” Mina’s quiet voice stops her spiral.
She shakes her head quickly, still looking down.
“Deep breath, you can take a break.”
Dahyun squeezes her eyes shut, forcing her lungs to take in as much air as she can. She’s okay.
She can distantly hear Sana chattering about something, gaining a few gasps and playful snippy responses, fielding all attention away from Dahyun again.
Sana’s ankles link with Dahyun’s under the table, and that’s when Dahyun knows Sana’s doing it on purpose: getting the attention off her.
She breathes again, focusing on Momo’s hand in hers and Mina’s hand on her lower back. She’s okay, this is okay.
The words that Sana tell her when she’s feeling overwhelmed play over in her mind, soothing.
She’s okay.
Dahyun knows she can back out at any moment, that Mina would say something and would get her out of here in a moment, and the thought is comforting. But she wants to try, she doesn’t want to give up yet.
She takes a deep breath, finds her resolve, and opens her eyes.
“What’s good?” She asks Mina, hoping the other woman ignores how her voice shakes.
Mina points to the noodles on her plate. “Those. I don’t know how they did the sauce, but they’re perfect.”
Dahyun nods firmly, and doesn’t give herself a moment to think about it.
They are good, she notes as she chews, doing her absolute best to focus on the taste and how good they are, not what they could do to her. Eating is good , she tells herself, this is good .
She notices, properly for the first time, that Momo is eating with her left hand. Momo is right-handed, and she definitely appears right-handed as she fumbles with her food yet again, but, Dahyun notes, her right hand still holds Dahyun’s left one tight.
Dahyun’s heart swells, and she barely registers her muscle memory reaching for some more food. Momo sacrifices the ease of eating her meal to help Dahyun feel a little bit better, and the thought fills Dahyun with so much warmth she’s speechless for a moment.
Momo isn’t actually doing that bad of a job, and Dahyun is happy to watch her for a minute, equal parts entertained and very touched.
She turns back to her meal eventually, and in a flash of anxiety, puts her chopsticks down. She’s done enough for now, she hopes.
When Sana catches her eye from across the table, giving her a nod, Dahyun feels better. She did good.
She tries to enjoy the energy of a dinner with friends for a bit, adding to bits of conversations and allowing the happy feeling of the group to chase some of her anxiety away. It doesn’t work very well, but it’s the thought that counts. At least she feels a bit more comfortable.
The others slowly finish up, and Dahyun tries not to watch them in envy, wondering what it must be like to eat without worry.
Throughout it all, Momo’s hand stays in hers, Sana’s legs stay linked with hers, and Mina’s stable presence remains constant. Their gentle and active support help her in more ways than she can describe.
Sometimes their attentiveness bothers her, but she doesn’t know what she’d do without them, where she’d be now.
Dahyun leans into Momo. “Can I have that?” She points at a dumpling on a plate near Momo.
Momo nods enthusiastically, making a happy sound through her mouth full of food, passing it over to Dahyun, still using her left hand.
Dahyun smiles at her, putting on a brave face. She loves these. Or used to, seeing as she hasn’t eaten one in probably months by now.
She wishes she wasn’t so scared of it, her hands starting to shake harder as she thinks about what she’s about to do.
Dahyun looks down at the dumpling, and then at Momo, who smiles. “I’ll have one too,” the dancer says, grabbing the last one for herself. “Cheers?”
She holds it out, and Dahyun can’t help but smile a little.
“Cheers,” she agrees, feeling a bit stupid as she taps her dumpling on Momo’s. Momo takes a bite, so Dahyun mirrors her, relishing in the taste. God , she has missed these.
“Good?”
“Yeah.”
“Good.”
They finish them at the same time, small smiles on both of their faces.
Something hurts deep inside Dahyun, the ever-present fear of food that she can’t shake battling with the ache of just wanting to be normal again. But as Momo’s eyes twinkle and Chaeyoung rolls her eyes at them from down the table, “You guys are so cheesy,” Dahyun thinks that maybe things will be okay again.
It might not be today, and maybe not in a week, but someday, it’ll be okay. She’s sure of it.
*