Chapter Text
This was, objectively speaking, the worst possible time for Sydney to go on a date. Not that she was ever the type to do so - there had been awkward hookups in culinary school, some sort of half-baked attempt at a relationship with a guy ten years older than her, but they had always placed second to the work, to cooking, to finally making it out of her childhood bedroom and into what her dad would finally deem as suitable for her “endless potential”.
She was standing in the kitchen of her barely-on-its-legs restaurant, opened a measly month ago, ticking things off in her little notebook when the question startled her completely out of the usual pre-service anxiety. It had been a rocky, yet successful first month, and everyday felt like a battle to find ground under shaky legs, a silent prayer that the building wouldn’t collapse on everything she had worked for. They barely settled in some semblance of a routine, her and Carmy and the rest of the staff. Enough for them to open and close with an almost-full floor. Enough for her to only snap at Carmy twice in front of everyone, bubbling with pent up resentment from his stint of dumping everything on her and running off to find pleasure and enjoyment with Claire, a name that was now never said out loud around the two of them.
Terrence seemed decent enough. He was two heads taller than her, that was the first thing she’d noticed when he introduced himself as the new waiter Richie had hired over the weekend. They were running short on hands ahead of the Christmas period, and so he had joined The Bear, coming with high praise from some successful spots downtown and an annoying yet sweet enthusiasm to prove himself. The small talk they’d shared had been nice, but she did question why he seemed so genuinely interested in her as a person, listening with his whole body whenever she went on an extensive rant about produce vendors and the price of top quality salmon. Well, at least now she had her answer.
No one paid attention to them in the frenzy before service, and he had been a perfect gentleman about asking her out, making it clear that there would be no hard feelings if the answer was no, and that this would be completely detached from the professional aspect of it. He then smiled at her - open and honest, waiting for her to react, while she tried to pull her shocked expression together, thinking a mile a minute. Did she even have time for dating? She regarded Terrence again, realizing that the restaurant took up so much time of her psyche that she hadn’t noticed he was actually sort of attractive, brunette and lean and olive-skinned, carrying his height in an unusually graceful manner, flowing between tables and keeping up a perfect smile for the guests.
Maybe she deserved to have a little fun, too. Sydney couldn’t remember the last time she put on make-up, or spent any time outside the restaurant or her home. There was still a resistance there, beyond the practicality of it, a nagging feeling that she hated precisely because she could easily put her finger on it. There were flashes of her business partner, bringing in Claire to see the restaurant at a time when Sydney felt like crying from pure stress. Of walking out of rooms and feeling his eyes follow her all the way through. There could never be anything there - anything more than what she allowed herself to simmer over in that space between sleep and waking up, when she’d found herself having dreamt about his hands in her hair again. And shamefully there was also the need to prove that Sydney too, had no skin in the game, absolutely no feelings outside the normal realm. Those dreams were just that, dreams, and seeing Claire’s name come out of everyone’s mouth, attached to Carmy’s, had meant nothing too. So after an awkwardly long pause, which he bared with patience of a saint, she’d smiled too, shyly, and nodded. “Uh, sure. Is Monday ok? We’re closed then, so I thought-”
Terrence nodded, grinning from ear to ear, and handed her his phone. “That’s amazing, here, put in your number so we can talk.”
Sydney obliged, still a bit stunned. He seemed actually happy that she’d agree, and it was hard for her to find a reason why. She was an overworking mess that still lived with their dad and cared more about a restaurant than anything else. But she’d decided that despite all of those complications, she still deserved to go out. Maybe, just maybe, the dreams would stop.
When Terrence excused himself to go join the others in the front, it took a few seconds for her to snap out of it. There was even a little excitement brewing in her chest, the possibility of something new that did not involve work for once. Tina walked by her, wagging her eyebrows suggestively, and Sydney blushed, making a gesture with her hand that told her to knock it off. Tonight would be a full house, and the relative quiet around her was an indicator that everyone was as ready as they could be. There was one thing missing.
When she turned around, Carmy was there, blue eyes trained on her. He was leaning on the steel counter, arms crossed over his chest. Had he been there throughout this whole interaction? There was no telling what he was thinking, only that this persona he sometimes put on, a relic from his New York days, was on - Tina called it Carmy turning into Chef Carmen, all calculated and methodical and barking orders in a rapid-fire. What was new was this demeanor being directed at her. “Can we talk for a second, chef?”
She sighed and nodded, heading towards their office without looking at him again, feeling him just a step behind her. When she turned around she could tell that he was Carmy again, nervous and aching for a cigarette, scratching his brows in that tic that told her he was uncomfortable. He cleared his throat, eyes casually studying the rack of cooking books that was on display above her head.
“ That new guy, Terrence, did he just-”
“Ask me out? Yep.” Sydney paid him the same amount of attention - trying to sound as cool and collected as she could muster. Wondering why this was even a conversation in the first place.
“And you, uh, said-”
His gaze knocked into her now, punching her in the gut like it always did. Having his full attention on her felt like all she wanted some days, but when it did happen, it almost felt like too much. Like she could burst from it. Anger rose up into her throat. She wanted to ask why the fuck did he even care, why was it his business. Instead, she bit it all back.
“I said yes, Carm.”
She wasn’t ready for how his face changed, turning white and then masking itself into normalcy again, how cold his eyes grew, almost grey in the light of the fluorescents, a stark difference from how flushed his neck was, like she’d just punched him in the stomach.
“That’s - great, I guess.” Sydney rolled her eyes, turned to go back to work, back to distracting herself with other fires she had to put out.
“Except - except maybe it’s a little weird, you know? He technically works for us, and he kind of put you on the spot there, Syd.”
The anger from earlier returned, fueled by his matter of fact, casual tone, so when she turned around to face him again, she advanced a few steps and dared him to look at her, to see if it was only her imagination making him sound upset. “Please tell me you don’t actually think I would ever jeopardize the restaurant just because I said yes to a date. He very politely asked, so I said yes. He did not “put me on the spot”
The frustration scratching her voice rose from the certainty that this would never be them, just a guy casually asking her out, no complications. She denied even wanting him to do so - but the mere fact that she was being given a third degree about it, after months of begging for his attention, hurt her more than she’d care to admit.
“ Look, I know you wouldn’t, it’s not about that - I just”
“ Then what is it about, Carmy?”
Silence stretched between them, and in it she struggled not to find meaning in how he looked at her.
Tell me not to go out with him. Not because of anything else, just because you don’t want me to.
Moments like these were the reason she sometimes lost her head in meaningless delusions, why she read too much into his hand brushing her waist as they passed each other in the kitchen. They were always in sync, and when it worked it felt like magic. They were - friends, sort of, business partners, working towards the same goals. There wasn’t space for anything more. And yet, when he looked at her like that, all starry eyed and shit, her pulse grew frantic enough to believe there could be. For a second, it felt like he was about to say something. Then he shook his head, defeated.
“ Nothing, just - nothing. Sorry,chef. Enjoy your date.”
When service is over, she stands outside the front door, zoning out, thinking about the day of friends of family, how their talk under the table shifted something in her chest, how blurry it all felt, the promise of having someone look out for her, reassuring her that he wanted to do this with her - how stupid she felt later for the buzzing in her chest and the heat in her cheeks, when she spotted Claire at one of their tables. She was glad she had agreed to the date - it was a vessel for her to pour these stupid sensations in. Terrence stepped out of the restaurant, and waved at her as he walked over. Sydney did her best to smile back, to wipe away the previous thought. “I’m so excited about tomorrow. I almost can’t believe you said yes, Sydney. I’ve been hyping myself up for days now.”
He ran his hands through his hair, and she could recognise that he was trying his best to sound casual. It was endearing to her - the idea that she’d be someone you got nervous around. “ Oh? Why is that?” Her tone was meant to be teasing, even if he was towering over her, standing a bit close than a mere coworker would.
“Well fuck, I mean you’re -you. This amazing, accomplished chef. I was sure you already had - somebody.”
Just as Sydney began to protest, happily embarrassed by the compliment, Richie and Carmy pushed the door outwards, making them step out of the way a little. Sydney could see him startled by the sight of the two of them - his eyes lingered on him for just a second, and then they locked in with hers. Carmy looked - angry? Disappointed?
There was no time to decipher it. He tore his gaze away and nodded in their general direction, following Richie to his car. As they passed, their arms grazed each other lightly. That measly contact ran a shiver through her. Even when she said goodbye to the others, and all the way home, the cold stayed with her as she forced herself to go back to that kernel of enthusiasm. The coldness of Carmy’s eyes prevailed, in the end.It feelt like a hand reaching into her chest and wringing it dry.