Chapter Text
This isn’t the first time this has happened. It’s not the first time she’s found herself in this position and it probably won’t be the last; but this time, this time is worse than the other times. She’s scaring herself and she’s scaring the one person that she can actually trust. She just wants to be able to be herself and not have to think about her religion or what other people are going to think about her.
The first time it happens is at one of the training camps.
She doesn't know what made her think about it but she's pretty sure it has something to do with seeing pictures of a girl she used to know. She thought she was cute when they were in high school but repressed her feelings and now she thinks that they might be back. Not just for the girl in the picture, but for girls in general and that scares the living hell out of her.
She can't stop thinking about it and unless she has someone to talk to she's going to end up going insane. She's spent at least three hours reading articles about being gay and Christian. Some articles saying that it's okay to be gay because God loves all of his children no matter what gender they fall in love with, these articles make her smile because even though she's not accepted it herself she knows that when she does God will accept her as well. Other articles make her cry, they make her feel like her lungs are closing up because it’s becoming that hard for her to breath. They make her feel as though she won’t be accepted even if she does eventually accept herself.
She ends up lay in her bed, staring up at the ceiling while attempting not to cry, because if she does then she’s going to wake Kelley up and have to answer the millions questions she going to ask. Instead she begins to think back to the time when she realised that she was different, that when other girls were talking about kissing boys, she didn’t care at all. Because why would you kiss a boy when girl’s lips look so much nicer than guy’s lips?
Sure Tobin thought that girls looked cute, I mean who doesn’t think that girls look cute? She always catches herself looking longer than she should when her team mates are changing after practice. She catches herself having lingering touches after hugs with her friends. It doesn’t mean anything though, she’s straight, she’s normal and everyone thinks that girls are cute at some point, right?
Tobin doesn’t realise how much she thinks girls are cute until one day after soccer practice, when she’s sat on the sofa in her house. Her parents are working and her sisters are out with friends so she’s alone, she turns the TV on and stares at the screen as the opening titles for South of Nowhere appear on the screen. She wouldn’t normally watch it because her parent’s would give her disapproving look the moment the word gay is uttered on the TV show.
She sits there though, she sits there watching it and can’t keep her eyes off the screen as Ashley leans against the side of the sofa with Spencer in front of her, her hands on the blondes face as their lips softly touch, multiple times.
Tobin brings her fingers up to her lips and gently traces them while keeping her eyes on the screen in front of her. She can’t help but think about what it would be like if she was to kiss a girl, how soft her lips would be and how gentle the kiss would be compared to the handful of guys she’s kissed in the past. She turns the TV off and stares at the black screen because she shouldn’t be having these thoughts, she’s not gay. She’s normal.
So she pushes those thoughts back, as far as she can and she keeps pushing them back each time she sees a cute girl when she’s out with her mom. She pushes them back that much that she thinks that they’re gone.
Until she gets to college.
It’s those thoughts that have her wandering the corridors of the hotel with tears streaming down her face.
It’s 2:30 in the morning; she has bloodshot eyes and she’s wearing a grey hoodie with a pair of USWNT training shorts. Her feet are bare and she’s stood in front of a door separating her from the only person (in her opinion) who she trusts with her life, that can possibly know what she’s feeling right now. She debates turning around, walking back to her room, and getting back into her bed. Ignoring the mass of questions she’s sure she’s going to get off Kelley in the morning, but she doesn’t. She balls her hand into a fist and lightly bangs it against the wooden door as a quiet sob escapes her lips.
The door opens and Pinoe is stood in front of her, her hair dishevelled and her eyes adjusting to the florescent lights in the corridor. She takes one look at Tobin and quickly grabs a jacket off the back of the door as well as her room key before stepping into the corridor; quietly shutting the door behind her because she knows that if they get caught up at this time they will end up dead.
“Tobs what’s wrong?”
“I-I…Pinoe.” Is all Tobin gets out in between her laboured breaths and sobs, she gets wrapped in a hug and leans against the blonde midfielder. The only reason Tobin ended up outside Pinoe’s room is because she has a feeling that Pinoe knows what’s wrong with her. She’s made sly comments before, comments that haunt Tobin in the middle of the night when she’s left alone with her thoughts.
“Alright Tobs stop staring at her ass jeez.” Pinoe whispers into Tobin’s ear while slinging an arm around her shoulders. The words alone cause the younger midfielder to freeze. Her heartbeat increasing as she stares down at the table that she has suddenly found incredibly interesting. She didn't mean to stare but she couldn't take her eyes off the girl, she was perfect even in her work uniform. The way her hair flowed over the left shoulder, the way her eyes sparkled slightly when she stood in the perfect light, and that smile (that Tobin knew was a fake smile for the customers, but was perfect anyway) that smile that caused Tobin to smile back when the waitress glanced and shyly smiled at her.
“I-I wasn't.” Tobin mutters, her voice quiet so she doesn’t gain Kelley’s (who is currently staring down at her phone screen) attention, glancing up to glare at Pinoe because why did she have to be so damn observant?
“You don’t have to lie to me Toby.” Replies, her voice soft and sincere, which almost calms Tobin until she remembers that she was just caught staring at the really cute waitress. She clenches her jaw, letting out a breath.
“Don’t call me that and I'm not fucking lying.” Tobin replies through gritted teeth, standing up and making her way out of the restaurant that her, Pinoe and Kelley were meant to be eating in. She leans against the wall, staring up at the sky because she’s just been caught, she was caught checking out a girl by one of her team mates and she’s panicking. She’s panicking because she thought she was getting better at hiding the fact that she’s not like other girls. This isn't meant to happen, she's not meant to think girls are cute. She's meant to think guys are cute. With their repulsive beards and annoying expectations of women.
Tobin runs her hands over her face, pushing herself away from the wall and beginning to walk back to the hotel, trying to stop the tears that are threatening to spill from her eyes.
“I'm not like that.” She whispers to herself, looking up as she bumps into someone and mumbles an apology before she feels a pair of arms wrap around her waist, pulling her back slightly.
“Tobin, I didn't mean it.” Pinoe says, turning Tobin around and the rubbing the back of her own neck. Tobin slowly nods at the blonde, turning around in an attempt to get away from this situation. Pinoe grabs her hand though and Tobin has to repress the urge to scream for her team mate to leave her alone.
“Get off me.”
“Talk to me.” Pinoe says, her voice soft which makes Tobin feel safe but Tobin can’t tell her because if she says it out loud it becomes real and she doesn’t know if she can handle that.
“J-Just let me go, I need to be alone for a while.”
“I’ll be here when you need me Tobs.” Pinoe replies, releasing Tobin and allowing her to quickly walk away from her.
And she is, Pinoe is there for her when Tobin needs her, and that makes Tobin trust the blonde even more than she did before the turned up at her hotel room.
“Come on.” Pinoe whispers into Tobin’s hair, taking hold of her hand and pulling her down the corridor, towards the elevator and pressing the down arrow. Tobin leans into Pinoe as they wait for the elevator to get to their floor, she’s still crying and she’s pretty sure that she’s going to get interrogated but right now she doesn’t care she just needs someone to hold her. When the metal doors open the pair walk inside and Pinoe presses the button for the ground floor.
“W-where are we going?” Tobin asks, sliding her hands into the pocket on the front of her hoodie.
“Somewhere where people can’t hear us.” Pinoe replies as the elevator comes to a stop and the doors slide open, she gently pushes Tobin out and follows her, standing next to her. Taking her hand again and then walking them out of the building, Tobin begins to panic slightly because they’re not meant to leave their rooms let alone the actual hotel. “Trust me Tobs.”
Tobin just nods as they walk towards the empty pool, Pinoe releases Tobin’s hand and sits down. Hanging her legs over the edge of the pool, motioning for Tobin to sit next to her. When Tobin’s sat down Pinoe wraps her arm around the younger girl’s shoulders, pulling her closer.
“Do you want to talk about it Tobin?”
“M-maybe.”
“What’s going on Tobs?” Pinoe asks, holding Tobin against her and rubbing the top of her arm akin an attempt to comfort the younger girl.
“I-I don’t know.” Tobin replies, lightly swinging her feet back and forth in the water causing it to splash against the side of the pool.
“Talk when you’re ready, I’ll be here.”
“I-I'm not normal.” Tobin whispers after twenty minutes of the pair sitting in silence, her voice is that quiet she’s not sure if Pinoe heard her, but she did.
“Yea I know you’re not, no one that is human is that good with a soccer ball.” Pinoe replies in an attempt to lighten the mood, it works because Tobin lets out a small laugh and Pinoe smiles. “No but really, what do you mean?”
“I-I'm not normal Pinoe, I'm…” she wants to say it but she can’t, instead she just breaks down again, she ends up with Pinoe’s arms wrapped around her as she sobs into her chest and grips on to Pinoe’s jacket as if her life depends on it. Pinoe just holds the younger girl because she knows that she'll open up eventually, she has to otherwise she'll end up making herself go insane.
“You don’t have to say anything now Tobs, but when you’re ready to tell me what is actually going on in your head I’ll be here for you.”
“Promise?”
“I promise Tobin.”