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It is the tell-tale creaking of your small wooden gate that draws your attention to the window. Peering through, you see your mistress stepping onto the cobbled path that leads to your cabin door.
Your heart rate spikes and you begin taking measured breaths to calm your overactive nerves; but dread and longing cause your nerve endings to tingle. Clinging to your kitchen counter, you try to calm the apparent heart attack you’re experiencing.
..how dreadful..
Only two taps to your door, as is customary, and you are rushing to the door. Swinging the thick oak open, all the air you were carefully maintaining is knocked from you as you meet shining, golden eyes.
"Hello, darling." Soft timbre falls easily from her devil lips, and you can already feel the stammering organ in your chest falling apart to it.
"My Lady." A small bow of your head as you move away from the doorway, gesturing her welcome into your home. "It would be a pleasure to share tea with you this afternoon."
It is after she has joined you at your modest kitchen table and you’ve served the steaming liquid in the way that she prefers, when you finally allow yourself to look her in the face again.
Agonizing love swells your heart when tracing the lovely lines of her face, the ones around her curved lips, to the bridge of her nose, ending at the slight wrinkles by her eyes. You cannot help but to memorize her features every time she meets you in this way. When her eyes are filled with warmth and longing for you, a look you know well does not last long, and you are never guaranteed to ever see it again.
She seems well, not quite like the last time she had visited you at home. When the prior romantic endeavor ended in tragedy.
“How have you been faring?” She asks between sips of tea with faux curiosity, amber eyes full of knowing meet yours.
“I have been well, my lady.” You respond intentionally using her title to irk her. “It has been a quiet spring, although the young misses have kept me quite busy. Taking me along on their bug hunts and joining in on their landscape paintings.” Giving a proud wave, you direct Alcina’s attention towards the numerous framed pictures displayed across your living room walls. Varying levels of skill and styles, easily identifying which painting belonged to which of the three girls.
There is a rare, sweet smile that graces her lips before it is replaced with the smirk of intention.
“Have dinner with us tonight, would you? I have missed your beautiful face wandering the halls of my castle.” Her hand finds yours atop the table, seemingly fearful that you could ever decline her. Honeyed words suffocate your long traumatized heart.
“What is there to miss, my lady? I am always but a short stroll from you, you have made sure of that.” You tease and there is a fight building on her lips but you cut it short with a squeeze to her hand. “But I do so love Ingrid’s cooking.”
A feeling akin to relief seems to loosen her posture some. “I look forward to seeing you this evening, my love” She places a gentle kiss to your knuckles before rising from her seat.
You are swift to the door to open it for her, so that she may bow out of your small cabin and back into the soft sunlight of midday.
…
Dressed in your finest silk (courtesy of your lady), you follow the small cobbled path from your home that leads directly to a side door into the castle. Lady Dimitrescu had finally relented (some summers ago) into building you your own home outside of hers after you insisted that you could not live amongst her other lovers. But that resulted in you living only a hair away from her, and the monumental reminder that is her castle looming directly outside your bedroom window.
You needn’t knock when entering, and you take well memorized steps down opulent halls, knowing you shall be exactly on time. Pausing at the grand doors that will open to the dining room, to try calming the blood racing through your body. Your hands do not shake from anxiety, but from the anticipation of a bittersweet evening with those you love most.
..how beautifully awful?..
The deceptively massive doors are easy to push open, and allow you to join the first ‘family dinner’ you’ve been invited to in some few months.
Immediately your gaze is drawn to the head of the table, to the dark lipstick that matches her crimson dress perfectly. Back up to her heavenly eyes, like golden halos promising entrance to a blissful afterlife.
..my soul lives for these moments, when she craves my affection, and mine alone..
You would spend the entire evening basking in her attention if she didn’t break your gaze, looking down to the rest of the table. Following her lead to notice the three young women silently waiting for your recognition.
Daniela seems to be bursting at the seams for your surprise presence, Cassandra is pretending to be bored by the intrusion, but the way she fiddles with her dinner knife conveys more emotion than she realizes. And dear Bela is careful in the way she smiles at you, then to her mother.
“My sweet, beautiful girls, I have missed you so!” You proclaim while making your way to the seat just right of Alcina and next to the youngest daughter. “I hope you have been able to entertain your mother at dinner time in my absence?”
Cassandra perks up at this and Daniela latches onto your arm as soon as you’re seated.
“Oh yes, just last night we had meatballs and Cass-” The red head begins but is cut off by her eldest sister’s groan.
“Please Dani, I would rather not relive such a horrid dinner.” Her head rests in her hands as she seems to be trying to forcefully remove the memory.
“Lighten up, stick in the mud, mother didn’t seem to mind.” Cassandra responds, grinning mischievously at her sister’s dramatics.
“That is because she was not the target of your meat attacks!” Bela exclaims, turning her head quickly to stare down the brunette, who only shrugs in response.
Looking to the matriarch in question, she simply smiles fondly at their familial antics, seeming to glow with motherly love.
Before there is a chance of true hostility, the food is rushed out, steaming as it is served and wine is being poured. You know that your meal is prepared differently from the ladies of the house and you wonder how Alcina goes about informing them of your expected appearance. Unless they always prepare a plate should the occasion arise that you’ve once again accepted an invitation back into the castle.
This has you musing on what the staff must think your standing is amongst the nobility of the house.
..a consort? a lover? a lover on a leash more like..
…
As quickly as you are able to close the door to Alcina’s bed chamber, she is shedding her dress and heels to crawl atop her massive bed. She never fails to leave you breathless, left only in her white, frilly underthings, that are dreadfully enticing.
Once more you are memorizing her, committing every curve, every scar, every turn of her lips, and every suggestion from her gaze to memory. You undress slowly, to allow her to do the same of you, albeit for different reasons. She collects the memories of you now, as your life is only a passing moment within the eons of her’s. You hold steadfast to the images of her aching for you, and only you, in fear that you may be tossed aside for good one day.
Joining her on the bed, you are immediately pulled into her embrace, and searing kisses lead from your throat to your jaw. It is when her lips finally meet yours that you feel truly alive, that your only purpose is to exist in this moment with her, indulging in her unforgiving love.
You would drown in her, in the essence of her, consume every sob that leaves her treacherous mouth, choke on every inch of skin left bare to your wandering teeth, sustain yourself on passion alone. But, you are human and the endurance of your lover far exceeds your own.
Home is Alcina’s bed, nestled within her arms, and buried by her soft skin. The world outside of her no longer exists there, she is everything in these moments.
..i wish that i could hate her for how much love she stirs within me..
…
The weeks following were filled with lavish gifts and Alcina's inability to keep her hands off of you. You soaked up every moment of it, desperately trying to remind yourself of the cycle. Trying to remember that you are always the loser in her twisted love game.
You needn't wait long either.
…
You stand next to Alcina as she gives her 'welcome' speech to the 'new hires' who fidget nervously within their neat rows in the foyer. Scanning each face of the young women, looking for-
..ah! there she is..
A solemn looking girl, eyes bright like the blue sky and golden waves framing her angelic face. The dirty commoner's clothing she wears is hardly revealing, but just form fitting enough to hint at the womanly curves hidden beneath.
Looking up at your mistress, you are able to watch in real time as her newest infatuation is realized. There is nothing recognizable within her speech, but her gaze lingers just too long on a particular maiden. The younger woman is painfully ignorant of the events that will unfold like clockwork before her.
..she is incorrigibly weak to the pretty ones..
…
Alcina's interest in you plummets, dragging along any hopes of her finally choosing you above anyone else.
..you don’t really look at me the way you used to..
Maids around the castle have become bold in their gossip, trading rumors of their lady’s budding interest in one of the newest women to join their ranks. Lady Dimitrescu might see all that happens within her walls, but that does not make the help blind. Even the slightest favoritism shown is seen and discussed by all.
It is a betrayal that you have had the misfortune of becoming acclimated to, but despite your experience on the manner, it still brings fresh pain. A stab wound that will always bleed, regardless of how many times it might have healed; and your mistress has never hesitated to twist the knife plunged into your proverbial back.
..now is time for the waiting game..
You understand that Alcina does not do this with the intention of hurting you, that she does try to remain faithful to you. But for all her strength and poise, it never takes long for her resolve to crumble in the face of a pretty woman.
There is a jealous anger that steadily builds within you when you notice her lack of attention to you, especially if a certain prized maid is in the room. It is an ugly sickness that squirms beneath your skin, with temptations of vengeful violence. Yet, you are completely unwilling to sour any remaining time within your lady’s company.
You cannot find it in yourself to be upset with the young girl, she is ignorant to the pain you are constantly subjected to; and you cannot hold it against your lady to seek what brings her happiness. As enticing as it is to simply dispose of any women who share Alcina’s affection with you, you know that it would only hurt your lover, and that is a pain you cannot willingly endure.
…
It is in the early morn and your knock to your Lady’s door goes unanswered.
Not an uncommon event. Swinging the door of her chambers open reveals an even less uncommon event.
Clothes have been scattered across the floor, some with clear claw marks through them. An empty wine bottle rests near the balcony doors and the room smells of sex and perfume.
A familiar numbness crawls across your skin as you feel your body begin to move on autopilot. Setting the breakfast tray down on the short table near the fireplace, you hear rustling from her bed as you prepare her morning coffee. You place the steaming cup atop its saucer on her nightstand before opening the curtains to allow the sunrise to peak in.
Finally facing the object of your destruction, you find her nude, sitting against the headboard, watching you. A rehearsal of conversations long since past happens silently between the meeting of your gaze.
"It is not what it seems."
"No? I don't recall you being fitted for a maid uniform?"
"That is not what I mean, do not pretend as if you are incapable of understanding me."
"The issue lies in that I understand you too well, Alcina, and you do not care to understand me in the slightest."
"I love you. You hold more meaning to me than I could possibly explain to you."
And this is where you start to crack, your weakness shining in your eyes, but you would rather slit your own throat before letting a tear fall in front of her.
"Words. Promises. You fill me to the brim with them, but that simply is not good enough. I need you to love only me."
..how many times have you danced to this tune?..
"Is she alive?" Your voice holds strong now, today, having practiced this routine many times.
"Yes, she will recover easily." Alcina is tense but her movements smooth as she brings the steaming cup to her pale lips.
"I will inform Marianne to resume her morning duties until further notice." You say softly, unable to prevent your inhumane disappointment from smothering them.
The scars of your soul sting, and you think mother fate must truly enjoy torturing you.
..i have died a thousand deaths within my lover's embrace..
…
There is an angry god above, booming loud as rain pours down on your mere tin roof when you hear a knock. It cannot be your lady, it is a rushed, urgent type of signal, and you warily make your way to the door.
After only a few seconds of contemplation, you remove the barrier between you and the mystery person. Only to find blue eyes, red and swollen from tears lost to the rain. Her blonde hair without its normal curl, plastered around her face, and her usual glow dulled and withered.
..deja vu is a funny mistress..
Pity must be scrawled across your face because she looks down, choking back a sob.
"She just.. she let me go.." It is a soft whisper before she is collapsing to her knees, surely bruising on the broken cobblestone. Hugging herself as the cries of heartbreak overtake her.
It is a grief that you have had the unfortunate opportunity to become intimately knowledgeable of. Gingerly joining her on the ground, you pull her through the doorway and into a gentle hug; soaked clothing immediately clinging to your own.
The girl instantly returns the embrace, holding you tightly to her shivering body as she buries her face in your shoulder.
..how awfully lonely it can be, to love your mistress..
Your hardened and abused heart, only used to Alcina's torment, now aches in a new way. It breaks for your new found camaraderie seeped in grief.
Tears trail down your face as you hold the girl even tighter, needing to feel the tangible weight of understanding.
You begin sobbing into her already soaked shirt at the realization that your lady will be back within a day to warm your bed.