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Van was honestly only half aware of how they even got back to the cabin. She remembered stopping and Tai holding her up all day and one minute she blinked and it was dark out. She remembered the other girls finding them too, Shauna’s horrified gasp seared into her memory and solidified for her just how bad this was.
Now though, Tai was at her head, holding it still while Akilah, all of fifteen, got ready to sew up Van’s face. Van was vaguely aware that she couldn’t see anything out of her left eye but she tried not to think about it too hard.
Tai was talking to her, saying they would get her fixed up but Van couldn’t speak. Couldn’t scream back, ask why they were making her go through this, why not just let her die.
She felt the needle go in and felt Tai’s grip on her head get tighter, and could hear Nat swearing as she threw herself across Van’s torso. She wasn’t sure how long Akilah had been sewing up her face, the only thought that was passing through her mind was please just let me fucking die.
*
Van passed out from the pain before Akilah was even done with her cheek, still having her forehead and eyebrow to go. Tai wanted to die or throw up or maybe scream, she really wasn’t sure. All she knew was that Van was suffering and it was all her fault.
The only good thing about her passing out was that she wasn’t resisting as much which made it a lot easier for Akilah to finish. Even though she didn’t really have to, Tai stayed holding Van’s head and whispering to her, even if she couldn’t hear it, that she would be okay.
Even after Akilah was done, Van didn’t regain consciousness. The others slowly started to get ready for bed, Coach Scott and Travis both rushing into the other room. Tai stayed though, watching Van’s chest move like she was afraid that if she looked away Van would disappear.
She was vaguely aware of Misty saying that in the morning they would need to boil water to clean the stitches. She was also vaguely aware of Natalie telling her to leave it alone for now, to just let Van sleep.
It wasn’t until she felt Shauna’s hand on her arm that Tai focused on anything other than Van’s shallow breaths.
“Come up to bed Tai, you need sleep too, okay?”
Tai wanted to fight Shauna, scream that this was all her fault and she couldn’t leave Van. She had however spent her entire day kneeling in the woods holding Van’s limp body and hadn’t slept since she had woken up in the tree. So she reluctantly obliged and followed Shauna up the ladder.
*
It was hot and bright and there was this banging. Van writhed around in the bed willing the pain radiating through her left side to go away. Her face felt like it was on fire, her neck and her arm feeling nearly as bad.
and why was she so hot?
Someone was talking, she registered that much, but even the thought of opening her eyes felt like too much.
*
As soon as Tai heard Laura Lee’s wake up call she was down stairs and at Van’s bedside. Thankfully Van didn’t seem to be disturbed by the wake up call, her general writhing and small whimpered breaths felt par for the course given the circumstances. Tai did however have to wonder what possessed Laura Lee to wake them all up after the night they had all had.
Of course Van who had been through the most was as far as Tai could see was still very much not awake. She knew it was stupud to think Van might be awake of course but god Tai would give anything for it.
Tai just sat staring at Van, gently running her fingers through her hair, careful to avoid her left side. She could hear Laura Lee and then of course she heard Jackie and while she was aware that this news getting out was not what Shauna wanted at all, Tai really couldn’t think past getting Van out of here and to proper medical care that wasn’t Misty fucking Quigley so she actually had a shot at living through this.
That wasn’t to say Tai thought this was a good idea per say it was more that she was desperate because her own idea had failed so fucking spectacularly. Whatever it took to get Van help was where she was at, good idea or no.
*
It wasn't long after their wake up call, while Mari was still getting their sad excuse for breakfast ready, that Misty tentatively came over.
“Tai, I know she’s in pain but I think she has a fever and we really need to stay on top of cleaning those wounds if we want her to survive.”
Tai’s eyes shot up glaring at Misty and at the implication that Van might die. Van might die because of her. Shauna however caught it quickly and stepped in.
“Misty is right Tai, we need to keep those wounds clean so they heal well, yeah?”
Tai looked at them both and then back down at Van, she was sweating and hadn’t really woken up yet, her eyes just fluttering a little in between pained whimpers.
“Alright, fine,” Tai said quietly, not looking at them, but down at Van, her fingers gently brushing up against her right temple.
“Alright, I boiled some clothes we can use as bandages and have them drying because it’s about as sterile as we are going to get and I have a few we boiled clothes to clean her face off with, her neck and arm too.”
Tai nodded, “Do you think her face should be bandaged all the time?”
“Normally I would say no and I mean maybe for a few hours a day we should give it some air but in general because of where we are I’d think it should be covered all the time.”
Tai scowled at the thought of Van having to be wrapped up all the time, of how hard this recovery would be.
Shauna clocked Tai’s reaction and jumped in, “Hey, once Laura Lee gets help we won’t even have to worry about this stuff.”
“Yeah! Shauna’s right,” Misty started cheerfully, “Let me go get everything so we can just take care of things for now.”
*
Van was very aware of a few things in this moment, a gentle hand rubbing against her right temple, the fact that she felt like she was on fire, and someone was touching her face and she could only tell that because of how much pain she was in suddenly multiplied.
She let out a yelp at the pain and felt everything around her still. She was vaguely aware of people talking, maybe arguing m, but then the hand resumed and the pain became a little too much, everything getting even fuzzier.
The next thing Van knew she was vomiting up pure bile, someone helping to move her so that she didn’t choke on her own vomit.
*
Tai wanted to fucking kill Misty and she knew it wasn’t Misty’s fault, she knew that. Van was just going through an unimaginably painful injury without any pain medication.
Still, having to gently roll Van over so she could vomit all because Misty was trying to bandage her, it made Tai want to punch her.
After Van threw up Misty made the point that they really should see about getting Van to drink some water before they wrapped up her face, since they couldn’t give her an IV to keep her hydrated.
That entailed Tai sitting Van up and then sitting behind Van, who was barely awake, never mind aware, while Misty, Shauna, and now Natalie tried to get her to drink. She whimpered the whole time, Tai trying to rub her back and also keep her stable and whisper to her that everything would be okay.
Tai felt like her insides were breaking with every whimper that left Van. She could feel how uncomfortable Van was while Nat gently held her jaw and Shauna and Misty tried to get her to swallow the liquid. Still she knew Misty had a point so she just rubbed Van’s back and prayed she wouldn’t remember any of this.
Getting the bandages on also turned out to be a four person job but thankfully this time there was no vomit. Once Van was bandaged up and somewhat hydrated the others went outside to help Laura Lee get ready.
Before she left she did come inside and Tai let her pray over Van and she gave her a hug before thanking her for this, for being willing to do this.
She had smiled at Tai and told her that of course, that this was her purpose.
*
Tai was sitting at Van’s bedside when she heard the explosion and she knew exactly what it was. In that moment Tai just broke,Van was lying there wrapped up and feverish, Shauna was fucking pregnant, and now Laura Lee was fucking dead.
She was still sobbing over Van’s body when some of the others started to come back. Coach Scott looked like he wanted to die, more than usual, they all did really. Shauna made her way next to Tai, giving her a hug before pulling back.
“How’s she doing?”
“The same, she isn’t really here you know? and now when she does regain awareness I have to tell her that Laura Lee died.”
“Hey Tai, one thing at a time okay? Let’s just focus on taking care of Van for now.”
*
Van lost three weeks of her life to the endless cycle of pain, fever, throwing up, and being no where near aware of her surroundings. While she was going through it she wasn’t even aware she had a fever, the world was just blurred at the edges and painful, that and the vomiting was really all she could remember, oh and the steady hand almost always rubbing her right temple.
She didn’t know the day or time, just knew that the last when she assumed were days had started to get a little less blurry. She looked over and there was Tai.
“Hey,” Tai started, her voice soft but full of more emotion than Van could process at the moment.
“Welcome back, I’ve missed those blue eyes”
Van looked at Tai, could tell how tired she was, could only imagine how long she had sat vigil for.
“Tai,” Van said softly and the smile that broke out on Tai’s face made Van feel warm inside for a reason that was definitely not a fever.
*
Tai has been sitting vigil at Van’s bedside for weeks. A constant routine of cleaning her wounds, rewrapping her face, her throwing up, and forcing her to drink water. The order of those events was of course different everyday but everyday Van’s level of awareness remained the same.
The only time she left Van’s side was when Shauna was making her do a single task like get water or chop would, not to force her to contribute but to force her to get out of the cabin even if only for half an hour. Then at night Shauna would pull her upstairs and sleep holding her so she couldn’t leave and hurt anyone else.
But to see Van not only open her eyes and seem so aware but for her to also say Tai’s name? She was over the fucking moon.
She couldn’t contain her joy at Van not only talking but also saying Tai’s name of all things.
“How are you feeling?” Tai asked gently.
“Like I got attacked by a wolf.” Van deadpanned back, her humor still intact, but it was clear the short sentence hurt her.
*
Van had been awake for three days when Tai told her what happened to Laura Lee.
She had died, trying to get Van help.
Not for the first time Van wondered why they couldn’t have just let her die.
But then she looked at Tai, eye’s full of concern and care and maybe even love and Van knew that she was glad she lived if only to spare Tai the heartbreak.
*
It was in the fifth week after the attack when things started to go very wrong.
Van was much more aware and able to drink without the assistance of four people. She still mostly spent the days in bed but she also was still recovering.
She urged Tai to get back to her normal life a little more, not wanting to hold up anything else like she was sure her injury already had.
It was during one of those times where Tai was out that Van got a hold of a mirror, she asked Misty to bring her one before she wrapped Van’s face back up. Misty had made a comment that things seemed to be healing well since they had taken out the stitches a few days after Van regained consciousness.
The moment Van looked in the mirror was when everything changed. She was terrifying, revolting. There was no way anyone wanted to see that. Fuck, she didn’t even want to see that. God Tai must be so fucking horrified.
*
When Tai came home Van was no longer where she had been, instead she had removed herself from everyone. All the girls gave Tai a weird look because while Van had been subdued over the last few days she had been at least talking to everyone, joking some.
Tai found Misty outside boiling more water when she cornered her. She knew she had changed Van’s bandages today so something must have happened.
“What the FUCK happened with Van today Misty?”
“She asked me for a mirror and she’s been like this ever since.”
Tai pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed before walking back in the cabin. How could Misty be so stupid?
She tried to talk to Van, but Van wouldn’t even look at her, staring at the wall and making sure there was no room for Tai to even try to come close to her.
*
Van knew what Tai was trying to do, trying to assure her that she was beautiful and this didn’t change how she felt about Van. That everything was okay and she was still her.
Van didn’t want to hear it though.
She was a monster, just like the wolf that attacked her.
Even if they ever did make it out of here, which Van was seriously doubting would ever happen, everyone would always see exactly what happened to her written across her face.