Work Text:
If his life wasn’t a mess, he wouldn’t be here. It’s his brother’s fault, it’s Kim’s fault, maybe it’s his own for being so naive.
He always leaned on his brother for everything, he let himself at first because he needed to and now because his brother need to. He became a purpose, he carried the hope of Porsche, of his family. ‘Everything I do is so that you get to live a normal life.’ His brother had said. Working to live a normal life shouldn’t feel like a burden, shouldn’t be something you do for others but for yourself. Yet, he felt like he owned his brother a life that Porsche sacrificed for him.
As for Kim, Chay got to understand that the situation was not so different. He still don’t know if Kim ever really loved him but the fact that he fought for him and got him out when he was kidnapped must mean something, must mean that he cares. Yet, Kim still walked away, Chay understood now that whatever feelings Kim had for him, letting go Chay meant he could have a normal life, out of the Mafia. A normal life… Chay feels excluded from every important decisions that concern him. He feels excluded from his brother’s life and the life of the only boy he ever loved. He felt lonely, he felt like a burden more than anything.
Chay is tired of feeling excluded, he’s tired of others choosing for him because in the end Porsche has a new lover, Kim has his music and whatever mafia life provides and he… He only got loneliness and heartbreak. He is a mess but right now he wants to be his own mess, it being a right decision or not.
It’s his brother’s fault, it’s Kim fault, it’s his own fault for being so naive. It is what it is and tonight he is here, in this bar with people he barely knows dancing, drinking making the worst decisions. But at least those decisions were his own.
...
Drugs was never something Chay was interested in. His brother had warned him enough about the many dangers of doing drugs. But again Porsche had also warned him about clubs and alcohol and here he was. So when in his blurred vision he saw someone handing him a pill he just thought that it was one more bad decision that was his own to make and to deal with later. Chay just wanted to feel in control of himself, paradoxically in the moment of his life he was the most drunk and emotionally messed up. Letting go of rationality was like a statement of his individuality.
He took it, swallowed the little pill under the cheers of the others. He felt included and just for that he felt a little better for ignoring the voice in his head telling he was making a mistake. One of his senior handed him a glass of whiskey. « To make it go down properly ! » he said excitedly. Chay took a big sip not questioning if drugs and alcohol were a good mix, after all one more glass wouldn’t make a difference.
Except it did. Alcohol made the drug hits harder. After only a few minutes Chay started to feel heavy, like the earth wanted him to merge with the floor and was pulling him down. The alcohol was making everything spin madly making it hard for his eyes to focus. The party was still raging, people moving in sync with the music making Chay even more alone as nobody even glanced at him to see if he was okay.
That’s when Kim entered the room. At first Chay thought he was hallucinating, Kim was as beautiful as the last time he saw him maybe even more. His hair wildly spread around his face, his jeans and leather jacket fitting him perfectly. As Kim got closer to him, Chay’s 'friends' started to react especially his senior who tried to stop the man.
« Don’t you dare ! » Chay heard Kim threatened as his senior wanted to pick a fight.
A moment later, Chay was yanked off of the couch by a very angry Kimhant. « What the fuck do you think you’re doing !? »
The boy’s head was spinning, his senses all over the place but Kim’s words seemed to ground him for a short moment as anger rose inside him too. « How is it your business P’Kim ? I’ve never messed with your business why are you messing with mine ? »
« You’re drunk Chay ! I’ve never seen you like that. » Kim eluded the question.
« What about it ?! You sure know everything about me, don’t you Phi » said Chay sarcastically. He might be high and drunk, swinging left and right, his words still hit their target like sharp knives in Kim’s heart. His state prevented the boy from seeing the cloud of culpability in his ex-boyfriend eyes. « Chay… » Kim mumbled, hurt. They stayed in silence for a second with only the muffled music of the room they had left in the air. Not that Chay really noticed the tension as he was feeling himself get lost in all kind of sensations.
Kim was searching for his words, trying to find a way to calm his frustration and the burning culpability in the pit of his stomach. In front of him, Chay could feel the adrenaline of the moment slowly wearing off leaving him to face the consequences of the alcohol/pill cocktail he had earlier. « Who I hang out with... and what I do is none-none of your concerns… Wasn’t it you who… Who rejected me. » Chay's words were stammered. Eyes on the floor, the boy took a few step back swaying dangerously.
How long would this conversation go, Chay felt like breathing was getting harder by the minute.
« Chay. This is not the right was to deal with all of this. » Kim scolded. « I saw bags of pills on the table, believe me Chay you don’t want to fall into tha- »
« And why would you care ! Stop... Just stop pretending...plea-please » Chay bursted in tears and for the first time Kim really looked at him and noticed the boy delated pupils. « You... »
Not listening anymore, Chay begged for fresh air. He tried to go past Kim but his body wouldn’t listen to him, his knees buckled sending the boy stumbling forward. The other managed to catch him and sit the boy on the floor, using the wall as support. « I got you angel » whispered Kim soothly, the previous argument forgotten and going into caring mode. Chay felt arms go around the back of his knees and his back before he is lifted into the air. Kim carried him in a bridal fashion, careful to not hurt the much disoriented boy.
Next thing Chay knew, he was outside in his ex-boyfriend arms and breathing was a lot easier. After a few deep breath, Chay felt Kim move again towards a black fancy car.
« Don’t bring me back, my brother he… he… ». Chay started to struggle in the man’s grip. Kim was surprised that the boy was concerned about that in his state.
Kim softly shushed the boy. « Hey, Angel, it’s fine, I won’t bring you to your brother but you need to be somewhere safe, clean and calm okay ? »
« Everything feels so strange… » Chay mumbled as Kim helped him get in the car.
« Alcohol and drugs don’t mix well together » Kim answered matter-of-factly, focus on getting the boy as comfortable as possible. He gently cupped Chay's cheek in his palm to check at the boy's eyes.
« Your skin...soft... » Chay whispered as for a moment, he let himself enjoy the soft touch.
But quickly his mind caught up with the situation, with Kim unusual gentle gesture. Chay snorted, his senses and emotions were back on a hight wire. The sweet fantasy turning back into a nightmare as frustration grow. How dare Kim be so nice to him if it's to abandon him the next moment. It’s like he felt everything and nothing at once, both physically and emotionally. « You're so cruel... » the boy retorted weakly.
The remark startled Kim and he quickly drew back his hand, shame and guilt rising again. Next thing Chay knew, the passager’s door abruptly closed making him jump. A second later the driver’s door opened and Kim came in silently. The man was tensed, he knew why Chay went to that bar and drink himself to the point where the idea of taking drugs seemed like a good one. He knew.
« I needed- I- to be me.» Chay wondered sadly, he wasn’t even looking at Kim anymore but phasing on a faded light outside.
« Chay… That's not you. » Kim began.
"And how would you know ?! You don't- you don't know me ! You don't know.. how... lonely..."
Whatever Kim was about to say died down as his eyes laid on the boy. « Angel your trembling ! »
« I'm cold- I… »
« What do you mean ? » Kim took the boy trembling hand « Shit you’re burning up » Chay wasn’t listening anymore, he was frantically looking around him with sudden panic.
« Don’t touch me ! You’re… you’re » he cried disoriented
« Okay, okay take a breath with me, everything is fine angel. » tried to sooth Kim.
« Don’t call me that ! Don’t… I need to get out, I can’t I can’t-‘’ Chay was struggling hard, in a fit of panic he went to grasp the door handle but was immediately stopped by Kim’s hand on top of him. The man had almost threw himself over Chay in his motion to stop him bringing both of their faces impossibly close.
Chay's gaze flickered from Kim's lips to his eyes again. Once again tension arose, a different tension though. The younger's hands came grasping Kim's shirt, still trembling slightly.
« Please Ange- Chay. I need you to trust me, you’re under influence, you’re not yourself. I know how strange and scary, it won’t last, you’re gonna be okay. Let me… Just let me take care of you. » whispered ever so softly, scared that talking louder would break the boy.
Chay silently listened, not moving a muscle. He could feel Kim’s hot breath tickle his skin. He seemed mesmerised, eyes wide open fixated on Kim’s dark and worried gaze. « Chay, I need to know you heard me. » he added.
« Okay… » he accepted exhausted.
Kim let out a sight of relief and started the car.
…
When they arrived at Kim's flat, Chay had managed to fall asleep. Kim took a moment to admire this angelic human being. He hated himself for being the one who made Chay hurt so bad when the world deserved all the happiness in the world. He carefully carried him to his place and tucked him into bed and stayed a bit to make sure the boy was comfortable. At some point he realised that watching the younger sleep was kind of creepy and he forced himself to leave the room and sleep on his couch. When he finally fell asleep, it was to the dreadful apprehension of the future discussion him and Chay would have.
...
Chay woke up to the distant voice of Kim. The boy slowly opened his eyes and for a blissful moment he felt at peace, the mattress under his back was comfortable, the cover so soft. Never in his life had he felt so good like he was on a cloud. As he emerged from sleep, he could better make out what Kim was saying and that brought him brutally into the real world.
« -fine… He’s sleeping right now… What the fuck Kinn ?! No I haven’t done anything to him ! Who do you take me for ?! Please tell Porsche I would never... » Kim sighed exasperated.
Chay couldn’t tell what the other person on the line was saying but he didn’t missed his bother's name and that meant Porsche was most likely aware of his situation. ‘Shit!Shit!Shit!’ he panicked as he frantically tossed the cover aside and motioned to get up.
In that moment the strong headache and the hangover feeling caught up with him. The quick movement made him stagger violently and fall back down next to the bed, the movement knocking the glass of water on the bedside table. In a beat Kim was at the door, looking concerned. Their gazes locked for a second before Chay winced and dragged himself back up the bed.
« Got up too quickly… » mumbled Chay avoiding Kim’s eyes. The man sighed and gestured for him to not move because of the shattered pieces of glass on the floor and took his phone back to his ear.
« Have to go Kinn. I’ll text you. No. No I’ll drive him back. Yes thanks. Goodbye. » Kim finished before turning his attention to Chay. « Are you okay ? How are you feeling ? » he said with a soft tone, one Chay was definitely not used to.
« What time is it ? How long have i slept ? » Kim nodded towards the bedside table where an alarm clock showed 2:14 pm. Chay frowned trying to remember the events of the day before. He had accepted his senior invitation to the bar, got drunk… ‘Hia is going to kill me’ he thought as he recalled taking the little pill. He knew vaguely what had happened next. All he can really remember was that Kim appeared and whisked him away. His celebrity crush turned boyfriend turned mafia prince ex had once again showed up to keep him from harm. At least that’s how Chay think Kim would justify his presence yesterday in that bar. «I'm fine... Appart from the headache...» Chay finally said head low.
« Here take this. It’s for your head, I'm gonna bring you another glass and clean up all this. » Kim gave him some paracetamol and left the room quickly just to come back a moment later with a new glass. « You should take a shower before we eat, I left some clean clothes for you in the bathroom. » the older added while cleaning the floor.
« You really love tell me what to do… » Chay mumbled more to himself. He caught the other staring at him then lowered his head in defeat. Kim began to make his way to the door when a hand caught his. « I mean… Thanks P’Kim. For everything you did yesterday... » Chay genuinely said.
Now standing in front of the mafia heir and his ex-boyfriend, Chay held his gaze. Something indescribable was passing in Kim’s eyes, something intense. It made Chay feel shy. « Phi… »
« Chay… » the boy was almost sure Kim’s eyes had just flickered from his eyes to his lips and back. Then his gaze fell on Chay's body from his neck to his collarbones and...
« You should get dressed… » timidly said Kim.
Either Chay was crazy or he definitely saw the shadow of a blush on the older’s face. But more importantly Chay finally acknowledged the fact that he was only wearing a pair of boxer and an oversized shirt. Now the younger was blushing for real and without another word he ran to the bathroom, fortunately finding his way quite easily.
Kim was left alone in the room looking down at his hand where Chay had been holding him a second before not able to refrain a soft smile.
A few minutes later Chay found Kim in his American kitchen, on the bar two plates were waiting. Kim was on his phone but the second Chay entered the room, the older's attention was on him.
« Thank you again for yesterday and for the clothes… » Chay blushed and looked down at the pair of shorts and oversized hoodie Kim had landed him.
« Your brother would definitely pull a gun on my head if he’d seen me coming back with you in the clothes you were in yesterday. » Kim said with faked light-tone.
« Ah.. » Chay awkwardly smiled.
« I mean don’t get me wrong you were… » Kim stopped for a moment, searching for the right words. « I don’t want him to get the wrong idea. »
That last sentence had Chay frowning confused. « And what would be the wrong idea ? » he said looking at Kim.
« I.. » Kim stuttered maybe the first time according to the younger. The mafia heir sighed giving a quick glance at Chay. « I don’t want him to think I did something to his little baby brother. »
Chay's blushed became even brighter at the implication. He decided to quickly sit at the bar and eat his food. Kim seemed to gladly accept that and began eating too.
…
They were in Kim’s car on their way to the family condo. The silence was heavy.
Kim had explained that his brother had called earlier asking for Chay since Porsche was worried. Knowing that the younger one was with Kim had reassured and confused Porsche equally and Chay knew a long conversation was awaiting him when he’d arrive.
Currently though Chay was more concern with the fact that Kim and him hadn’t talked about what had happened the night before or about the status of their relationship. Neither of them seem to know how to start this conversation but Chay didn’t know when a chance to be alone with his ex-boyfriend would come up again so he had to try.
« So… » began Chay unsure.
« So. » sighed Kim waiting for whatever Chay would throw at him.
« What was yesterday about ? You coming to get me... Calling me angel... » Chay said bluntly and was suddenly grateful the car was already stopped at a red light given the shock over Kim’s face. « I mean, I'm glad you came because i don't know where i would have ended up but… Kim can we talk ? »
The car started again and Chay took Kim's silence as an invitation to continu. « You were the one to reject me but ever since you keep texting me and calling… And stalking my insta account. For someone in the mafia you’re not very discreet by the way. »
« I learned to be a mafia heir, not a spy. » Kim attempted to joke.
Chay groaned, « You’re avoiding the subject P’Kim, I’m here now just tell me what you want. » said the boy in a serious tone.
Kim stayed silent as if he was petrified by the admission to both him and Chay, he'd have to face.
« Is it really so hard to tell ?! » Chay's sighed.
« You were always the bravest between us » Kim laughed humorlessly. A beat of silence passed and Chay realised he was holding his breath. « I made a mistake, I thought I’d protect you by staying away from you. » finally admitted the older.
« Yes I get that. Just like my brother. You did what you thought best and just like him you didn’t think it was worth consulting me » Chay retorted dryly which sent a wave of guilt over Kim. « Yet you don’t seem to be able to stay away, so what is it Kim ? Do you protect me out of guilt for what you’ve done ? » he asked.
The words were harsh, but as he said, Kim knew Chay was the bravest person he knew. Braver than him, than Porsche or anyone else. Chay deserved his honesty for once. « That’s a small part of it yes. »
Chay sighed. He knew it.
« But mostly I miss you in my life. »
‘What ?!’ « What ? »
Kim glanced at him again and took his eyes back on the road. They were almost at the condo.
« You… I’ve never felt so light and free with you. It’s like life is simple and I can breath again. » Chay was looking at him with a mix of surprise, hope, and incredulity. « I know what I did is unforgivable, I don’t deserve you in my life but I can’t get myself to stop looking out for you, especially now that you’re part of the mafia world because of our brothers. »
Kim had stopped the car at the entrance of the building but no one was there to welcome them yet. So Kim turned to face Chay, laying down his fate at the feet of this beautiful amazing boy.
« I told you I loved you but you’ve never… You knew my feelings but I never got to know yours. I miss you too but at the same time I’m so confused and scared. »
« It’s complicated, I’m not very good with communication skills » said Kim, his whole body was tense.
« No shit Sherlock » the boy said as he rolled his eyes. « I need you to try. Because I’m not getting back into the lies and the half-truths. I’m tired of people abandoning me for my so-called own good, so if you want me, hell if you love me back, I need you to say it ! » Chay had declared it all in almost one breath and was now watching Kim expectantly. He had say what he needed, it was Kim’s turn. Whatever the outcome would be, Chay wanted to be fixed.
Again, Kim was baffled at Chay’s honesty. This was the brave, genuine and beautiful boy he had fallen for. He couldn’t leave him hanging, not here, not again. There was a fear in him that he didn’t know he could feel before meeting Chay. A fear of losing the one thing that not only made his life bearable but made it beautiful.
« Chay… Angel… » he started cautious.
« I need to know Kim. Be honest with me or I’m out of this for good. » Chay warned seriously.
Kim inhaled and took the boy’s wrist to pull him closer, Chay gasped sharply. The older drew his face closer to Chay’s, his gaze intense.
« You had my heart the moment you answered this stupid quizz at the campus. I knew I loved you when you came singing that song at my place. I can't bare to see you sad or hurt. I love you like I didn't know one could love. I love you, Porchay Pichaya Kittisawat. »
Wanting to hear it, was one thing. Chay didn’t expect the effect of actually having Kim, his all-time crush mafia ex-boyfriend for whom he still had very strong feelings say that he loved him back. His heart was pounding in his chest, he could barely breath.
Kim loved him.
Kim slowly crossed the last few inches separating them and left a chaste kiss on Chay’s lips. It was a tentative gesture but Kim felt like if it was the last thing he’d do before Chay leaves him as a vengeance for what he’s done, may as well make the most of it. After the moment of shock and to Kim’s surprise, Chay closed the distance between them again and kissed him.
This second kiss lacked of experience but if you’d ask Kim, it was perfect. The exchange was timid and exploratory yet passionate and loving. All the tension was leaving both their bodies as they lost themselves in the other.
Kim would have kissed Chay all day. Chay would have kissed Kim all day.
A violent knock on the window made them both jump back. Kinn was outside. Waiting for them. They both got out of the car, Kim instinctively placing himself between Chay and his brother.
« As sweet as this was I don’t think you want Porsche to see you making out with his little baby brother. » stated Kinn amused.
Kim rolled his eyes while Chay hid his embarrassed blush behind his hands.
« Chay !!!!! » Porsche’s voice cut through as he came running and hugging his brother. « I was so worried ! Please don’t scare me like that again ! » he whined as he embraced his brother.
« I’m fine hia, Kim took care of me and-»
« You. » Porsche interrupted Chay and looked at Kim. Clearly Kinn had to have given some information to his lover. Porsche gazed at Kim suspiciously but ended sighing. « I have no idea how you were the one finding Chay, clearly I'm missing a whole part of the story... But thanks for bringing him back to me safe and sound » he eventually admitted. « And you, » he turned to Chay « We need to talk. »
« Does it have to be right now hia ? » whined Chay. The idea of being lectured by his brother when he just took a big step with Kim wasn’t very appealing. He still had a lot to discuss with the youngest Theerapanyakun. Yes Kim had just confessed his love to him and they had just kissed but what now. Chay wasn’t ready to let the man slip away again.
« Do you have something more important to do young man ? » Porsche asked incredulously.
« Actually hia, I do » Chay said leaving everyone around him baffled. The innocent and cute boy was starting to make his voice heard. Not letting his brother respond, Chay took Kim’s hand pulling the stunned man to the entrance. « I’ll see you at dinner hia. » notified Chay before giving a quick bow to Kinn and Porsche.
Kinn watched his brother being led away and couldn’t refrain a fond laugh. « What are you laughing at Kinn, your brother is taking my baby brother inside ! »
« Well it’s rather the other way around. Don’t worry darling… We should let them sort their stuff out. » assured kindly Kinn. « I’ve never seen my brother like this. You Kittisawat brothers definitely have your ways » he smiled amused.