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3:36 am.
That’s the number that stood out against Karl’s phone background. He clicked on the power button, bracing for the illumination that his screen would bring against the dark in his room. Hours have gone by since he first tried falling asleep and he just wanted to know how many. Two and a half, by the looks of it.
The thought of getting up to do something, to either clear his mind or to simply no longer have eyes so adjusted to the light that he can see clearly where everything is in his room, despite it being so dark, did occur to him. The lack of energy won, however.
He simply just can’t sleep and can’t seem to do anything about it.
Frustration is running cold throughout his body. Sapnap is visiting right now for the next week, and all Karl wanted to do was get a good night's rest so that he'd have energy. He wants to spend the short amount of time he has with his friend here in person doing something fun. Not wandering around like a zombie. He can’t imagine Sapnap would enjoy his time here much if that was the case.
Instead of getting the sleep he so desperately desires, he's lying here in his bed at three am, sleep so far from sight, he’s not sure it really exists.
Sapnap had gone to sleep hours ago, probably falling asleep just as fast as Karl hoped for himself. All while Karl is stuck here, just continually watches the numbers switch on his phone from one minute to the next.
Normally he wouldn't be so stressed about missing out on some sleep, he often goes way too long without proper rest, but it's not just tonight. Sleep has been refusing to welcome him with open arms all week. And with every night that passes, Karl grows more and more frustrated.
He figures maybe he was stressed about Sapnap coming over. Once again, this wasn't usually a worry. However, Karl recently realized that the playful, joking flirting directed towards the Sapnap was actually way less of a joke than he initially thought. He's in fact head over heels in love with him.
The realization didn't surprise him, it made sense to him when he figured it out. If anything, the fact that it took so long to come to that conclusion is what surprised him.
But the acceptance of his feelings has only led to an increase in worries and stressors. One being that he's asexual, or at least somewhere on the ace spectrum.
Being ace is more than okay to him, though. It’s just one single piece of the puzzle that is Karl Jacobs, but it's a good piece, he thinks. An important piece, one that makes the image make sense.
However, that doesn't always stop the negative thoughts that come from being ace. Sometimes he still feels like there's something wrong with him. He can’t help it, sometimes his mind runs wild without his permission.
And the recent lack of sleep and frustration from laying hopelessly in bed for over two hours, now led him to the place of vulnerable thoughts. Thoughts that bring nothing but hurt. Thankfully, his mind only gets to wander so far before he’s interrupted by a light, shy sounding knock on his door.
“Karl, you awake?” Sapnap’s voice travels through painted wood into the brunette’s room. He sounds sleepy, and Karl is more than surprised by the fact that he’s awake too right now.
“Yeah, come in,” Karl invites, and Sapnap doesn’t hesitate to swing open the door lightly, letting himself in.
“Couldn’t sleep,” Sapnap informs, wandering over and laying down in bed beside Karl without an invitation, knowing he’s welcome.
Having Sapnap next to him already brings Karl a ton of comfort, hushing his brain when it tries to jump to things he’d rather not deal with at this hour of the night. Or at all, for that matter.
“Really?” Sapnap nods and Karl continues, “I couldn’t either.”
“How come?” Sapnap sleepily mumbles, already feeling more relaxed and close to sleep while laying in the other’s bed next to him. Almost a mirror of how Karl feels too.
“Just stressed, I guess,” Karl informs, pulling Sapnap in closer to cuddle. Despite his realization of his feelings, he’s not lessened the amount of physical touch between the two of them. He instead chooses to embrace the fact that Sapnap allows him to constantly touch him, whether it be cuddling or just holding onto him in any way, as if Sapnap was really his.
He’ll take what he can get.
The Texan peers over to look into blue eyes, eyebrows furrowed in concern. “Why? What’s got you so stressed?”
Karl giggles lightly at the shorter man’s worrying. “Nothing, don’t worry about it,” Karl attempts to squash the conversation at its roots before it has a chance to grow.
“No, tell me. You can talk to me about anything, you know.” He starts tracing shapes along Karl’s arm in an attempt at comfort.
His previous decision of not talking about it was taken away from him when tears started dripping from his eyes unwillingly. He blames the tiredness.
Sapnap’s expression was trying to be comforting but Karl could see the worry hidden poorly underneath, as if veiled by a transparent cloth. He shuffles around until he’s the one holding Karl now, a reverse of how it was when he first laid down. Then he holds onto him a little tighter as if he could protect him from his worries externally through touch.
Karl finds it actually helps a lot, loving physical contact, especially from Sapnap. Maybe he can’t tell him everything but he can talk about some of the thoughts that are haunting him. He’s definitely close enough and trusts Sapnap enough to talk about it.
“It’s just- You know that I'm ace, or on the spectrum of asexuality, right?” And when Sapnap nods, Karl continues, “I- Logically, I know it’s okay to be ace, and most of the time I’m okay with it, but sometimes I feel like shit because of it. I can’t help but have these thoughts sometimes, like I’m broken or something. Or like, less of a person. Y’know how people always say sex is a part of human nature? What about the humans that don’t like, or care about sex?”
“Karl,” Sapnap says, sounding broken himself at hearing how Karl felt.
“Like normal people can be interested in someone and that’s it. When I fall for someone I can’t help but wonder why I don’t think about things the same way as other people. Like why can’t I just once experience what it’s like to want to have sex in the way I’m supposed to?”
“You don’t have to want sex in the same way or even at all for a relationship to matter, Karl. And you’re not normal, but that has nothing to do with your sexuality. It’s because you’re weird as fuck, dude. But I love that about you,” Sapnap chimes in, hoping to make the brunette feel even the slightest bit better.
Karl chuckles lightly at that for a moment before turning serious again.
“I know, but I still hate it sometimes. Like what if I’m not enough for whoever I’m with? What if they leave me for someone who can give them what I can’t,” Karl cries out, confiding in Sapnap.
Saying it all out loud is making him realize just how much this has been eating away at him. Making him become aware that the reason he’s so afraid is, that he’s worried that if he and Sapnap ever did get together, there’s this fear that he'll lose him over this thing he can’t control.
“Then screw them, because they’d fucking suck. You’d deserve better anyways, someone who can love you for you. Not this imaginary version of you they want in their heads,” Sapnap confidently states.
“You really think so?” He wonders, tears still flooding down his cheeks.
Sapnap lifts a hand to wipe the salty tears away gently with a sad smile. “Karl, it absolutely breaks my heart to hear you think you don’t. God, Karl, you deserve the whole world, the entire universe even.”
“Thanks, Sap,” Karl whispers.
“No seriously, Karl, I need to know you to understand that. I can’t bear the thought of you being with someone and doing shit you don’t want to be doing just because you feel like you have to,” Sapnap pleads. “Promise me you’ll find someone who’ll give you everything and more without expecting anything about you to change. Everything about you is perfect, and you need to understand that there is someone out there that will show you that.”
Karl thinks about it for a moment. He thinks there are good people out there that can give that to him but there’s only one he wants. Since he can’t have him he’ll give him what he can. A promise.
“I promise, Sap.” There’s a relieved sigh that escapes the Texan’s lips. “But I don’t think I’ll ever find someone who treats me as well as you do.”
That was meant to come across as a half-joke, but instead sounds as honest as it is.
“Maybe you don’t have to,” Sapnap shyly replies, anxiously chewing on his bottom lip as he waits for Karl’s response.
It takes a moment before Karl understands what the younger is implying. When he does he searches the kind eyes that are looking back at him to see if there’s any hint of a joke. He doesn’t see any, though. Just pure honest love.
“You better not be fucking with me right now,” Karl voices sternly.
Sapnap gently moved his hand to cup Karl’s jaw, staring lovingly into eyes so beautiful a world class painting couldn’t compare. “I love you, Karl, and I’d give you everything and more, I swear I will if you let me,” he confesses.
“I’ll let you,” he whispers out, stunned by the confession. “Happily, if I may add.” Followed by a giggle.
“Good, I’m glad. Now can I kiss you?” Sapnap asks, earning a head nod from the brunette. However, he doesn’t go straight to kissing soft, wanting lips. Rather, leaning in and kissing his cheek first overtop of drying tear stain tracks. Then makes way to kiss the other side, stopping to leave a kiss on his nose before continuing.
He wants Karl to know just how much he loves every bit of him.
Karl appreciates it, it makes him feel loved, and special. It washes away his worries, because of course Sapnap would love him for him. He’s an amazing guy and Karl couldn’t feel luckier to not only have him in his life, but have him want to be something special to him because he loves him too.
Maybe the harsh thoughts will appear again and make him worry he’s not good enough the way he is but he knows now that he’ll have Sapnap by his side to reassure him that he’s perfect. He makes a promise to himself that he’ll be just as good to Sapnap as he is to him.