Chapter Text
"Okay, fine. Let's start again. One, two, three... now!"
Anton is sitting on a chair in the living room. It's obvious that this is the Te Aro Pack's house because there are some younger werewolves making a uproar with a little plastic bone behind him (after several attempts, Jim, the cameraman, discovered that it's impossible to calm down a pack of happy werewolves with their noisy toy, so he just gave up).
"Hi, I'm Anton."
"You don't need to introduce yourself."
"No...? OK."
An awkward silence.
"Okay, let's start AGAIN." Jim sighed.
Cut to: Anton standing in the middle of the garden.
(Apparently, happy werewolves with a noisy toy could be pretty wild. Too bad, Jim thought, they made a great background.)
"I know this is a documentary about vampires and you want to see vampires. If anyone is going to watch this anyway." That last part was a whisper on Anton's part. "But here's the thing, there are no more vampires~"
*Dramatic soundtrack*
"Damn, Chad, stop it. Sorry, Chad loves a Melodica. I don't know anyone living or dead who has a Melodica besides Chad."
Anton glances through the camera to see one of the guys from the camera crew escorting a sad, poor Melodica's Chad out of camera range.
"Continuing, there are no more vampires. No, they didn't die. Vladislav reconciled with The Beast and the two went on a trip..."
Cut to: Vladislav and Pauline torturing a man in a makeshift torture dungeon in the Caribbean.
"Hey, how did you guys get here?!" Says a lion Vladislav, advancing towards the camera and interrupting the recording (the production thinks they should be paid double for being subjected to the torture of seeing so much blood and guts... and especially for the torturous sight of a lion with Vladislav's face).
Cut to: Anton again
"...and Deacon and Nick discovered they had more in common than they thought - which we all already knew - and they went partying with Stu."
Cut to: Deacon, Nick and Stu in a forest at dawn. There is loud music and a lot of blood and bodies on the floor. The party was good.
"You know, Stu. You stink like a wet butchered dog, but you haven't lost your Stu essence we all love." Says an affectionate and drunken Nick to a strange and uncomfortable Stu (as always).
Deacon lay on the floor in a hideously sexy pose - the last guy he drank had downed a few more than a healthy amount of whiskey. "I'm ready to take our friendship to the next level."
"Hey, hey, man. Wait, I'm not ready for this yet." Nick tests his breath and fixes his hair for some reason, and Stu looks weird and uncomfortable, this time more than usual.
"Don't worry, I always do this with Viago and Vladislav." Deacon says, taking off his jacket.
"Dang, with both at the same time?" Nick asks, stunned, which Deacon just ignores.
"Ready?"
"Wait a minute" Nick was red, and it wasn't just from the blood of his latest victim, and Stu definitely looked weirder than usual. "Ready."
Deacon starts doing a sensual dance - or it was supposed to be sensual. This wasn't what Nick expected.
On the other hand, neither Nick nor Deacon expected this to be a full moon night and before they knew it, Stu had already transformed into a werewolf - a very strange and uncomfortable werewolf by the way.
(The rest of this Jim didn't get to film, so imagine Deacon and Nick running from a really ugly werewolf and screaming like little girls because neither of them are smart enough to think about turning into bats.)
Cut to: Anton... again
"So now this documentary is about werewolves!"
Cut to: OPENING
*Soft music plays*
Howl at the moon if you want to live long
They have no use for your song
You're a dog, you're a dog, you're dog
You're a dog and that's all
You'll never get a second chance
Plan all your dog moves in advance
Stay a dog, stay a dog, stay a dog
Stay dog and that's all
"Now I can introduce myself, right?"
Anton looks past the camera at Jim and gets a thumbs up in response.
"I'm Anton and I'm the leader of the Te Aro Pack. I know it seems like a tough job taking care of all these werewolves - and it really is. I feel like a babysitter most of the time. But what more could I do, they need an alpha and fearless mentor to guide them."
Snorts and giggles are heard throughout the room, proving how much Anton's hard work for the pack is valued.
Do ever talk with barks
Be sure that you compromise
You're a dog, you're a dog, you're a dog
You're a dog and that's all
A weirdo werewolf appears.
"I'm Chad and I play melodica."
Long gone, long gone, long gone
Long gone and that's all
When you smile and it tears your face
It's time for the werewolf race
You're a dog, you're a dog, you're a dog
You're a dog and that's all
[...]
WHAT WE DO IN THE SHADOWS
(Te Aro Pack was not consulted regarding this opening)
Cut to: Anton once again (damn, how many scenes is he going to have in this?)
"You're going to do a new opening with us? I loved it. You loved it? I loved it."
Jim, behind the camera, just shrugged. "You didn't say what happened to Viago."
"Ah, that's right, Viago." Anton's expression immediately changes to something akin to concern. "Viago broke up with Katherine. To be more precise, she dumped his fancy ass. You know how it is, the age difference is very big. Katherine is a young and rebellious vampire, wants to live the life and fly for there. Viago is old and dusty and just wants to find a bat to call his own. Don't look at me like that man, I don't know what vampires call their soulmates."
"Do you believe in soulmates, Anton?"
"I haven't found mine yet, but of course I believe it. And I'm sure Katherine wasn't Viago's soulmate."
Cut to: Anton and the werewolves heading towards the vampires' home.
"Let's surprise Viago. We can't leave him alone and sad, so while Vladislav and Deacon are gone, let's stay there with him!"
(Anton seems really excited, but Jim has a feeling Viago won't be just as excited about the idea.)
Cut to: Anton knocking on Viago's coffin.
"Fuck…" He says as the coffin opens and Viago rises from it in a strange but adorable pose - it was Viago after all. He would be adorable even if he just sat still, photosynthesizing or whatever.
However, photosynthesis was something vampires definitely didn't do.
"The curtain, the curtain, the curtain!" The vampire gave shrill screams as he tried to crawl back into the coffin, which he failed miserably.
One of the werewolves zipped up his pants and walked away from the curtain. He was just marking his new territory.
"Scott!" Anton shouted "Apologize, now!"
"Sorry, man... I mean, vampire."
"Look, Viago, I don't want you to think that these stereotypes that werewolves piss on everything and tear up everything and act like dogs all the time, because it's not true, okay. I mean, sometimes yes, but sometimes no."
Viago was writhing and showing his fangs, still trying to get into the coffin. "The curtain!"
"Hey, there's no need to be so rude. Scott already apologized and…"
In a risky move, Viago pulls the curtain and finally closes it.
"Ah, so that was what you meant."
"You were trying to murder me!"
"What? Nooooo. We're here to not let you die… of loneliness."
Anton puts an arm around Viago's shoulder and smiles at the camera.
Cut to: Viago sitting at the dinner table.
"It's been a few days since they've been here, so tell us, Viago, what do you think about this?"
"At first I was kind of…"
*Scene of the vampire screaming exaggeratedly in his coffin.*
"...but now I can say that I'm calmer. Werewolves aren't as bad as they seem..."
*Scene of werewolves tearing a victim apart on the vampire's most beloved red former white sofa*
"...actually they might be as bad as they seem. Except for Anton."
*Scene of Anton placing newspapers and towels on the floor*
"Maybe Vladislav was right, not all vampires put out towels. But werewolves apparently put out towels and I loved that."
Cut to: Viago cleaning up the mess his lunch made.
"Damn, what happened here? A murder?" Anton says, light-hearted as always. Viago finds this endearing.
"Don't judge me. I hit an artery." The vampire sighs, melancholy for the mess he made.
Anton looks at the poor girl on the floor.
"She looks young. How old was she?"
"Twenty-one. Poor thing, she was finishing college. She had a fight with her parents."
The most surprising thing is that Viago seemed really sad about the girl's death - a death that he had caused.
"Why did you kill her then?" Anton asks, as if reading his thoughts.
"Do you know how hard it is to find a virgin out there? They are a rare species. This generation is so different."
"I've never understood this vampire fixation with virgins. It's that 'If you are going to eat a sandwich, you would just enjoy it more if you knew no one had fucked it' thing, right?"
"What? No! How rude! Who told you that?"
"Vladislav."
"How rude!"
They exchange glances and look at the camera.
"I normally don't mind this, but I chose a virgin because I'm sad and the blood is pure and warmer. It's comforting."
"Pure?" Anton didn't understand how the blood of a virgin would be different from the blood of others. "So if you vampires feed on someone that just had sex you taste the–"
Viago gives an embarrassed 'I'm on camera' smile.
Cut to: Anton sitting next to Viago's coffin
"I thought he was okay after… you know, everything that happened." Anton says almost in a whisper and gestures his hands towards the coffin.
All you can hear are whimpers and moans of lamentation.
"I was wrong."
Cut to: the two sitting on the floor, Viago sitting propped up in his coffin. Anton takes a tissue from a tissue box and hands it to him.
"You gotta get over it, man."
"I can't!" Viago says exaggeratedly and dramatically. "I miss the time we spent before she left me."
"Tell me how it was. You're trying so hard to avoid all of this that maybe talking about it could help more than you know." Anton says patiently. He didn't understand Viago's obsession with Katherine, but now all the vampire needed was a good listener.
"We used to make jokes all the time. It was like 'knock knock', 'don't bother', 'nooooo, you have to say who?, Katherine', 'who?', 'a vampire', 'don't bother'.” Viago chuckles, which Anton finds disturbing. “I miss that. And our little games"
The werewolf narrows his eyes at the words. "Little games?"
"Yeah. We were always playing. She particularly loved puzzles." He says this so sadly that it would even seem comical to someone else. But Anton, he was stupefied.
"And...?"
"That's it. Why?"
"Didn't you do other things together?"
"Other things? Like what?"
"Couple stuff."
Viago sighs, understanding what Anton is talking about. "I guess I'm too old for these things. In general. I just enjoyed her company, but apparently it wasn't reciprocated." He adds in a whisper "Maybe that's why she left me."
"So you weren't a couple."
"We were a couple!"
"It's not what it seems..." Anton's tone is as gentle as possible. "Have you ever stopped to think that maybe you would enjoy her company as a friend?"
"But we had a romance a few years ago…"
"How many years?"
"Decades."
A silence.
Anton felt a little desperate when he realized that Viago looked worse than he had before this conversation.
"Maybe you're right. I think things lose their fun over time."
"Or maybe you've just matured and gotten to know yourself better."
"Know myself better?" He turns his head to look at the coffin.
The werewolf freezes.
He was entering dangerous territory and he knew it. Who was he to judge Viago like that? He was no one to judge, but the way the vampire acted and looked in those eccentric and cute clothes was, to say the least...
"Maybe you don't like women as much as you think…?"
Viago looked so confused and lost and Anton hated himself deeply for it. Him and his big, stupid mouth.
"What?" Viago turns to Anton, looking at him confusedly. "I was cleaning some dirt off my coffin, did you say something?"
Cut to:
"Anton has been an angel to me, listening to all my lamentation about the fact that Katherine left me, and she will find someone better again and I will be alone for eternity…" Viago deviates from the subject, but tries to swallow the tears and continue. "But anyway, the fact is that Anton has been good to me and, therefore, I want to present him with…"
He carefully puts on the gloves one by one and finally lifts a silver necklace similar to the one Katherine once gave him, only instead of a compartment for photos, the pendant was massive and with the symbol of a full moon.
"I borrowed this from one of my victims. It's pure silver." Viago smiles brightly. "After all, werewolves love silver, don't they?"
Cut to: Anton indignant, holding the silver necklace in his hands.
"Is this some bad joke?" Why did Viago give him silver? Because he was a werewolf? Was this a murder attempt?
Viago narrows his eyes, not understanding what Anton was saying. "What do you mean? Silver is the werewolves' favorite."
"No, silver is used to kill werewolves!" He says in a rude tone of voice. "I didn't think you were like that."
That did it. It was enough for Viago to make a very important decision.
He started to cry.
"Hey, hey, what's this?" Anton approached him, his indignation turning to confusion.
"You don't like my gifts, Katherine didn't like my gifts. You're going to abandon me too"
Anton sat down next to where Viago had sat on the floor, his knees drawn up to his chest. He placed his hand awkwardly on the vampire's shoulder and took a deep breath, not knowing where to start. "I liked the gift. Thank you."
"You didn't like it!" Viago whined. He had always been sensitive, but these last few days, after the end of his 'relationship', he was even worse.
"I thought it was a bad joke," Anton muttered, rubbing the vampire's shoulder lightly with his fingers. He sighs and looks at the necklace better, smiling. "But now that I know it's not, I love it."
"I would never play a bad joke on you." Viago raised his head to look at Anton, his face red and his eyes teary.
Anton just smiled.
Why was he there, anyway? Why did he care so much about Viago being okay?
He didn't know the answers to these questions, but he knew that Viago was too precious for this world.