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Tally Marie Craven has been called many things.
Kind. Loving. Compassionate.
Naive. Foolish. Impulsive.
Brave. Heroic. Selfless.
A soldier. A sister. A Goddess.
But what many don't realise about Tally Marie Craven is running through all of these things is one common truth.
Tally Marie Craven is afraid of being left behind. And she's afraid it would be all her own doing.
When she was eighteen, she chose to answer the Call, against her mothers wishes, against her own dispensation, and if you asked people, against her better judgement. In doing so, she lost her mother, all but abandoned for making a decision Tally believed to be right, for the greater good, for witchkind.
When she was nineteen, she chose to become Sarah Alder's battlefield Biddy, in the heat of the moment, despite their previous misgivings with each other. In doing so, she lost her sisters at the hands of the Camarilla (and granted, they had returned thanks to some, still not completely understood by Tally, Mycellium magic, but you never get over the grief and pain of seeing your family torn down in front of your eyes).
Months later, fuelled by the nightmares of another, she had made the decision to pursue the truth about Sarah Alder, in her foolhardy and naive way, and in doing so set off a chain of events which led to the Generals demotion, the falling of Fort Salem, the death of Anacostia… Everything she had ever known, ripped away, and by her own doing.
And so now, twenty-three and considered wise beyond her years by many, Tally Marie Craven is just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Because why wouldn't it? At what point had she deserved the life which she was now living. Yes, some may say she was owed some happiness, but to this degree? And with this person? Tally couldn't comprehend it.
Being the greatest Knower of a generation had its uses, especially when hiding from your partner and trying to avoid the inevitable end of your relationship, she guessed. Tally's head hit the wall of the stone dias which she was hiding behind. Tears welled in her eyes and she huffed out a wet laugh at the irony of her position. Literally. For it was here over a year ago she found herself hiding once before, the only place on base which had not been touched by the thrill and passing of Beltane. The first Beltane after the Final War, it was an altogether more sombre affair than previous years, its meaning and reason somewhat more muted. There was no war to be fought, no enemy to defeat, not in the way there had been previously, although the world was far from peaceful. With the imminent threat of deployment to fight someone else's war no longer looming over them on a daily basis, Beltane was celebrated to remember their roots, a chance to rediscover what it meant to be truly at one with your power rather than the ritualistic charge up it had become over the years. But with the absence of Sarah Alder, there was a missing piece which had been so integral. The dias and the surrounding area was off limits to anyone who found themselves caught up in the Reel; a sacred monument to the woman who had led them all for so long, putting their duty before life, their dedication before happiness.
Or at least that was what Petra had told them in her opening speech, each word said with a wistful understanding and a weight which still sat on her shoulders. "What are we, without our customs, Sarah Alder once said to me," Petra had said, "and so I ask you all, rediscover your customs. Find time and space to discover who you are as people, as witches, not as soldiers. And do so with Sarah Alder's words and spirit in your heart. For this will always be a witches place."
Tally had left the festivities soon afterwards, not feeling like celebrating and certainly not feeling like participating in the Reel, instead meandering through the throngs of people and heading towards the woods at the edge of base, no real destination in mind. She had chuckled to herself when she realised where she had ended up, standing in front of Sarah Alder's stone dias, a relic of a time gone by, now more so than ever before. Sweeping around the far side, she sank to the grass, leaning back against the cool stone, hiding from the view of anyone who would think to even come near. She let time pass for a few moments, taking in the sounds of the forest, grateful that people seemed to have taken on board Petra's request and steered clear of this section of the base, before the sound of soft footsteps broke her silence. "You're not supposed to be here," she called out. If she was going to get caught, the least she could do was try and make out she was supposed to be here. "I could say the same to you, Tally Craven."
For it was at the dias where Sarah Alder had first appeared to her. Tally knew she was back, of course, she was one of the few people who had been privy to that information thanks to her role as a Goddess, but circumstance had meant that Tally had yet to actually see the woman, talk to her and confirm for herself what she had been told. That night had been the start of their friendship, the unspoken undercurrent of something more quickly developing and carrying them along to where they were now.
Tally thought back to this morning, how things had turned so drastically so very quickly. She should have known it was coming really, she'd been pushing Sarah away for weeks, convinced that if she did the inevitable pain of losing her once again would be lessened.
Because here was the thing. For two people who were supposed to be sexually free, Tally Craven and Sarah Alder had not yet slept together. And it wasn't that that was the problem, not really. Tally wanted to sleep with Sarah. Oh she really did. But whenever they got anywhere remotely close, Tally's brain would just remind her that this was all just temporary, a fleeting moment which would end leaving Tally broken and alone once again.
She thought back to this morning, how she had woken in Sarah's arms, the second of peace which she felt before that flash of fear went through her yet again.
"Tally?" Sarah's sleep-laden voice cut through the silence of the room, causing Tally to pause with one leg in and one leg out of her trousers. "What are you doing?"
"I have to go," Tally said, wincing at the harshness in her own voice. She was angry, not with Sarah but with herself. Last night when she had agreed to have a late dinner with Sarah after her classes had finished, she had told herself that she wouldn't stay over. Each time it was becoming harder and harder to detach herself from the feeling of comfort which came with being in the older woman's proximity, which made the ache deep in her chest at the thought of it all ending only more painful to bear. But last night, exhausted from her mind being her own worst enemy on top of training and classes, along with the warmth of the fire and the feel of Sarah's fingers carding softly through her hair, she had succumbed to sleep. She vaguely remembered waking to find Sarah carrying her through to her bedroom, a kiss to her forehead and a gentle reassurance before slipping back into slumber.
"Where? It's barely six in the morning." Tally heard the rustle of the sheets moving behind her, resolutely not looking back in favour of buckling her trousers, knowing that a sleep-mussed, bleary-eyed Sarah Alder was an image she couldn’t resist.
"I have a busy day. Classes, some work with Izadora on the new witches—"
"Tally…"
"Then lunch with my unit…"
"Tally…"
"I'll see you later."
"Tally!" The slight raise in volume of Sarah's voice made Tally pause. "Have I done something to upset you?"
"No."
"I can't fix whatever it is that is bothering you if you don't tell me—"
"I'm not a problem to be fixed!" Tally screamed, her own frustration boiling over at the soft way Sarah was handling her, as if she was something precious, as if they were something precious.
"I'm not saying you are…" Sarah said, her words measured as she slowly rose from the bed. "But Tally, my love—"
"You can't control everything anymore! This isn't a strategic exercise with a goal! Some military manouvere which you can command! Some things are just out of your hands, and this is one of them! Sometimes we have to deal with the fact that life has a different plan for us than the one we want! You can't control me, Sarah. You can't tell me to stay or send me away whenever it pleases you!"
"Do you think that's what I want? To control you?" Sarah said. Tally noted the way her defensive position had slipped back into place, back straight, hands clasped behind her back like she was General again, commanding her troops.
"Isn't it?" Tally knew truthfully it wasn't, but her rage with her own weakness had exploded. Her mind had been so consumed with her own doubts that nothing made sense anymore. "Look at you, ever the General. Standing there like you're about to send me out of your office, like some basic cadet who's not completed their drills."
Sarah took a step forward, her shoulders loosening as she reached out for Tally. "Tally…"
Tally felt the telltale sting of tears in her eyes, a wave of shame and embarrassment rolling through her. "I can't. I just…I can't. I'm sorry."
"Tally, please—"
"No! Just leave me alone, Sarah!" Tally cried as she yanked open the door, rushing from the room before her resolve crumbled entirely, leaving a confused Sarah Alder in her wake.
"I thought I might find you here." Sarah's voice cut through the silence of the woods, and Tally closed her eyes, willing the sound to be a figment of her imagination. But when she felt the warm press of the other woman's arm against her own, the knock of her boot against her foot, Tally knew she'd been found.
"What are you doing here?"
"I came to find you. I've been looking for you since you left."
Tally scoffed, looking over at where Sarah sat beside her. "Even after I screamed at you?"
"Even then. More so, for I know that that is not you, my love, which only made me more concerned about what has been bothering you recently." Tally felt the gentle brush as Sarah grazed her finger over the top of Tally's clenched fist, aware that Sarah was treating her carefully. The gentleness just made Tally shift closer to shattering completely. "Talk to me, please?"
Tally tipped her head back, staring at the early morning sky through the trees, resigned to the fact that if this was going to happen it might as well be now. "What's the point?"
"Because I meant what I said earlier, I cannot do anything if you don't talk to me. And I want to do something to help, Tally, not to control. I'm sorry if anything I have done has made you feel that way. I am trying but I am so engrained in my old ways—"
"No. No please. Don't apologise. You’re not controlling anything."
"But—"
"No Sarah. I don't feel controlled. I have never felt controlled by you. If anything you're the epitome of chivalry and politeness."
"I am sure they are not mutually exclusive."
Tally smiled, small and timid. "No, but with you, it's only ever chivalrous and polite."
"Then would you tell me what has been bothering you lately? And please, don't try to protect me by minimising it, I can see how much this is affecting you."
Tally swiped a hand across her face, pulling away from Sarah's tentative touch, wiping away the tears which were making her skin itch where they were drying. "I guess, I've been struggling to believe that this could be my life. Every decision I've ever made had ended up in me losing something, and I'm scared that this will end the same."
"How?"
"I answered the Call, and I lost my mother. I pushed for the truth about Nicte and I lost you. I called The Rite of Proxy and lost the army. I gave the Camarilla a chance to infiltrate her and lost Ana. I gave my Sight for The First Song and lost you, again. Every decision I seem to make just ends with me being alone and I'm scared…" The tears started to flow again, and there was nothing Tally could do to stop them. "I'm scared it's just how everything is destined to be. That the moment I get close to something, I'll make a foolish decision and lose it again."
"Oh, Tally…"
"And maybe that's how it's meant to be. Me alone. But I can't be alone if I have the memory of you. Because it would just be too hard to survive after having you and then losing you."
"Oh Tally…" Tally felt Sarah sweep an arm around her, pulling her onto her lap, Tally's face instantly seeking the comfort of her favourite spot buried in Sarah's neck. "My love, none of that is on you."
"And everytime I find a home, it gets ripped out from under me. I was all but shunned from that compound for ignoring my dispensation, and then I had just found somewhere here when we had to leave again, and here is your home…if, when things do go wrong, then I'll have to leave again."
Distantly Tally realised that she was close to hyperventilating, weeks of tension and stress finally being let loose in a torrent of emotions which she could no longer control. Tears blurred her vision, head spinning and fingers scrabbling at Sarah's jumper as she fought against the panic which was now rising in her chest.
"Tally, breathe for me." She could hear Sarah's plea, muffled by the fog which was clouding her head. "Tally, please, you need to breathe."
Tally's chest tightened even further at the command, restricting her even further from pulling oxygen into her lungs, her throat burning, her stomach clenching with the ever-increasing threat of vomiting whatever was left of the dinner she had feebly picked at last night. Every muscle ached and screamed as dots peppered her vision, swimming, pulling her under, the pressure building and crushing her…
Until, the whisper-soft sound of a Seed cut the tension-ridden ropes and she felt herself collapse against Sarah, muscles sore but no longer wound tight, her throat opening as she gulped down lungful after lung full of precious air.
"Take deep breaths for me, Tally. Nice and slow," Sarah's voice soothed, trying to get Tally to calm down even further, her hand ribbing small circles between her shoulders. She stayed there, enclosed in Sarah's embrace as the spots disappeared from her vision, her head slowing its spinning and she finally could feel her limbs again, heavy and leaden as they were. Slowly, she started to sense the scent of Sarah's perfume where her nose was pressed against her neck, and she pushed her face closer, taking a deep inhale of that comforting scent, before pushing herself away.
She was greeted with glistening azure eyes which tracked over every inch of her face, assessing and appraising her as if she was checking for injuries after a deployment. The look of care and concern was too much to bear and Tally turned her face away, ashamed of her emotional outburst.
"I'm sorry," she muttered, trying to shift from Sarah's lap, only for strong arms to tighten and hold her even closer in place.
"No, you don't get to apologise. Not for this. Never for feeling this way or reacting as such." Sarah bowed her head, resting it against Tally's. "My love, none of those things were your doing. It is not always a linear path in life, just because you made a decision which was right and true to you does not mean you caused any of the subsequent events. Just as there is nothing to say that those things would have happened if you had made a different decision."
"But—"
"No buts. Listen to me, my love. All of those things were the decisions and actions of others. Ana would have still died, your sisters, my demotion everything could have still happened no matter what you did. The only thing you can do is love what you have and grieve what you have lost, and accept the responsibility for the things you can control. But these things…these are not in your control. Do you understand me?"
Tally nodded, her throat too raw to say much, knowing that in reality all of what Sarah was saying was making sense.
"And as for your mother…I am sure she did everything she did from a place of love. But it was her who took your home away, not you. And if there are things which still need to be said, then it may be worth being brave and saying them. Because I am sure that her feelings have changed, and she would not wish to see you like this." Sarah brushed a strand of hair away from Tally's face, tucking it behind her ear and cupping her cheek, Tally instantly leaning into the contact. "You are the bravest person I know, and you have had to be for too long now. But I wish that you can you see that this is not on your shoulders, so you can finally rest, my love."
"I'm sorry I said those things to you."
"It's forgotten, my love. I only wish you'd have felt like you could have told me, instead of feeling like you had to pull away." Tally opened her lips to argue, but was quieted when Sarah's thumb ran over her bottom lip. "I am not blaming you. I am merely saying that if you feel like this again, you can come to me."
Tally nodded, eyes fluttering shut and her body falling further into Sarah's, the exhaustion of carrying around a burden which did not belong with her taking its toll. "I'm so tired."
Sarah chuckled and Tally felt it vibrate through every fibre of her being. "I should think so, my love. I imagine you have been working yourself up so much about this that you have not slept properly in weeks." Sarah gently guided Tally off her lap, supporting her when her legs wobbled as she stood, before sweeping her up into her arms. Tally's shout was quiet and muffled into Sarah's neck as she rested her head on her shoulder. "Come on, I am ordering you to a day of bed rest, where I shall dote on you hand and foot, in my typically chivalrous manner."
Tally laughed, soft and quiet but it was enough to stretch a smile across Sarah's face, Tally sensing the expression where her forehead rested against Sarah's cheek. Sarah pressed a whisper of a kiss into her hair. "And then when you are feeling better we shall talk about this more. But for now, no more being brave, just rest."
"Is that an order, General?" Tally asked, sleep lacing each of her words, yet the humour shining through.
"Merely a polite request, cadet," Sarah teased back as she started walking away from the dias and back to the campus.
"Sarah?"
"Yes, my love?"
"I love you," Tally mumbled, eyelids drooping closed.
"I love you too, wela," Sarah said with a smile. "And I will make sure you are never abandoned again."