Chapter Text
Precisely two days after the Featherington Ball, Eloise stormed into the Bridgerton dining room whilst the rest of the clan was peacefully attending breakfast.
"You have some nerve!" Eloise thundered, towering over Colin. She then delivered a swat on his arm with a surprising amount of strength. "You. Selfish. Arrogant. Bloody. Coward!" She ground out, landing a blow with each word.
"Eloise!" Violet and Anthony scolded in unison, rising from their seats to stop her.
"Ah!" Colin hissed, trying his best to defend himself without using force. Everyone else seemed just as shocked when he did as he searched his family's eyes for answers. "What did I do?!" He asked, holding his hands up to guard himself.
"Oh, do not play stupid! You know exactly what you did!" Eloise tried to hit him again, but Benedict was faster and held her back.
Colin breathed a sigh of relief and turned to ask Benedict over Eloise's head, "Is she mad?"
Benedict did his best to shrug while tightening his grip on Eloise as she continued to squirm and kick with all her might. "Appears so. You must have done something, brother."
"I haven't the slightest idea!" Colin insisted. "Perhaps we shall call Pen over. She usually handles you best when you gets like this."
Eloise broke free of Benedict's grasp and lunged at Colin again. "Never speak her name again, you bastard!"
"Eloise!" Her mother yelled, trying to cover Hyacinth and Gregory's ears. "Where on earth did you learn such vulgar language?"
"Why would Pen---OW!" Colin exclaimed as Eloise snuck in another punch to his tender shoulder. "Bloody hell, El would you stop that? What does this have to do with Penelope?"
Anthony hummed in agreement. "Yes, Eloise, please enlighten us as to why you are so righteously angry with our dear brother that you've proceeded to violently hitting him at the breakfast table."
Just then, a member of the staff entered the dining area carrying folded sheets of paper on a silver tray. "The lastest Whistledown," they announced.
"See for yourselves," Eloise huffed as Benedict managed to push her into a seat opposite of him.
For several moments, no one said another word, their eyes scanning the words of the pamphlet. They passed the papers between each other in shock, waiting anxiously until either Anthony of Violet said something first.
"What is it? Give it to me," Colin said impatiently.
One by one, everyone finished and set down the scandal sheets, turning to look him. He read those fateful words ten times over, each time leaving him feeling worse than the last. There was a bitter taste of bile on his tongue and a stabbing pain in his chest. With everyone staring at him, he felt like he couldn't breathe. He needed to get out of there. He needed to be anywhere else.
Finally, the Dowager Viscountess turned to her third son and gave him...the look. It was the kind of look that made a child want to crawl into a cupboard and hide for the rest of their days. The kind of look that said, 'I'm not mad, just disappointed.' It made Colin feel so, so much worse.
"Tell me it's not true, dearest," she pleaded. "Tell me you didn't say those things about Miss Featherington."
Colin rushed to defend himself. He couldn't lie, but surely this was all blown out of proportion. "Of course not. I mean, not the way it sounds. I didn't mean it like...I didn't..."
He couldn't even find the words. How can you excuse such a thing? How can one treat their dearest friend that way? And sweet, lovely Penelope of all people? His Pen. He was all of those things Eloise called him. Selfish. Arrogant. A coward. A bloody bastard.
"Poor Penelope," Francesca mumbled, slowly sinking her teeth into her toast.
"I always liked her," Hyacinth mused sadly. "And I liked you until I read that. Just cruel, brother," she said crossing her arms over her chest and scowling at him.
The rest of his siblings shot him equally disapproving glares, Eloise's the fiercest. Colin simply hung his head in shame, torn apart by his sibling's changed opinions of him. More than anything, he worried what Penelope must think of him.
"Colin Christopher Bridgerton," Violet said in a low, sonorous tone that few of the siblings had ever heard her use before. Even Eloise's jaw went slack.
Benedict sucked in a breath and sank into his chair. "Three names. You've done it now, brother."
"Shut up, Ben," Anthony said, shooting him a glare.
Violet's piercing stare slowly melted into pity as she realized the agony on his face. "Colin, do you realize how incredibly lucky you are to have found what you have at such a young age?"
"And he's squandering it!" Anthony exclaimed. Since he and Kate finally put an end to their differences and accepted the love they shared, he had become a bit more of a romantic. And he felt even more shame for the way his brother was screwing up his own opportunity for love.
Benedict snorted and slapped his brother on the back, causing Colin to flinch. "None of us said anything because frankly, we thought you'd pull your head out of your ass by now, but clearly you're just digging yourself a deeper grave!"
Colin grumbled. He felt as if he was being left in the dark a bit, and he didn't like the way his family was talking about him.
"Benedict," Violet warned, though he appeared unfazed.
"It's true," Benedict said with a shrug.
Anthony finally chimed in. He couldn't decide whether Colin needed a father or a brother at the moment, so he decided to just be honest. "I mean, honestly," Anthony scoffed. "Did you have to say all of that? If you don't see her that way, fine, but you didn't have to ruin the poor girl."
"Colin, I am so disappointed in your behavior," his mother tisked. "I raised you to be a gentleman, and Penelope deserves better. You need to make this right."
"I know. I will, I promise," Colin said sincerely. He had no idea how, but he would. He couldn't stand the thought of his Pen being hurt, least of all because of his callous words.
Eloise stood and crossed over to him, waving an accusatory finger in his face. "No. You will stay far away from Penelope and the rest of the Featheringtons. Do you hear me? Leave them alone."
At this, Colin rose to meet her, incredibly offended. Who was she to keep him from his Pen? "Eloise, you cannot tell me what to do. I need to go to her and ask for forgiveness. If I'm as lucky as you all say, she will accept my apology and still allow me her friendship."
"My God, he is hopeless," Anthony mumbled. Everyone uttered words of mild agreement.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Colin asked, getting more and more irritated at their vague comments.
Benedict rolled his eyes at his stupid, vision-impaired brother. "It means that you are either blind or an idiot if you cannot see the bigger picture by now!"
"Ben, let it be," Anthony ordered. "We cannot force him. Our brother has to learn on his own."
"At this rate, we'll all be dead by then!" Benedict yelled, dropping to his seat and throwing his hands in the air.
Colin was getting quite exasperated himself. "Realize what? Why are you all talking circles around me as if I am not even here?"
"Do not say anything, Ben," Anthony warned.
Benedict ignored him. "I cannot take it anymore! Colin, you are so obviously in love with Miss Penelope. Just put us all out of our misery and marry her already!"
Colin went silent, as if someone had knocked all of the wind from his lungs. "What?! I am not in love with...I don't...I can't be...with Pen?"
Runnin' out of good excuses.
Anthony bit back a chuckle. He needed to be serious. "Was that meant to be a question? Because if it is, we cannot answer it for you, Colin."
"Penelope Featherington is my friend," Colin said adamantly, trying more to convince himself. If he were honest, if he were a braver man, he'd admit that he had been questioning where he stood with Penelope for a good long while. He'd admit that those damned words were perhaps the greatest lie he'd ever told. But he wasn't honest, and he wasn't brave.
I know we got no reason to do this.
"No, she was my friend," Eloise said. "I'll say it again, stay away from her."
Colin rolled his eyes now. He had about enough of his sister. "She is my friend as well, Eloise."
I'm scared to be scared and afraid to show it.
"Your special friend, of course," Gregory teased. Even he was not so young to not see how Colin and Penelope were with one another. If Colin did not open his eyes, perhaps when he came of age, Penelope would wait for him.
Violet sighed, rubbing her temples. Just one peaceful breakfast, she thought. Was that too much to ask? "Children, that is enough. All of you, leave the room," she said gently.
Anthony nodded in agreement. "Mother is right, we need to speak with Colin alone."
Violet placed a hand on her eldest son's arm. "You as well, Anthony." He was about to object, but then she shot him...the look. Benedict dragged Eloise from the room, then Anthony ushered the rest of them out at once.
When they were alone, Violet moved to Colin's side and reached out to comfort him. He had thrown his head in his hands again and could barely meet her gaze. "Mother," he groaned as if in pain. "I swear I didn't mean to hurt her."
"I know, dear. But why ever would you say those things to those gentleman?"
"I...I don't know," he answered weakly. "They were pestering me with questions about my dance with Pen and made it seem far less innocent than it was. I didn't want them to think I was behaving ungentlemanly towards her. So I-I told them that to get them to stop. I couldn't let them disparage her name like they were."
"And in doing so, you could have ruined her reputation even more, dearest." She could tell he was truly broken up about this and didn't want to add to his guilt, but she needed him to realize his feelings. Colin had always reminded her most of Edmund, even in a moment like this. It wasn't as if her beloved husband had never made a mistake before, or put his foot in his mouth. Heaven knows her Edmund was not perfect. But he was protective, kind, and loyal, just like Colin. And Colin's relationship with Penelope always reminded Violet of her own love story. The charming white knight and the sweet wallflower.
Colin, meanwhile, was getting very tired of everyone reminding him how thoughtless he was towards Penelope. Especially because they were right. "I was trying to protect her. I promised her I would always look out for her, Mother. I stopped the new Lord Featherington from his scheming and shielded them from scandal. I told Pen that she was special to me. She is." God, she was everything to him. He needed to go to her. She was his dearest friend, and he couldn't stand the thought that he may have hurt her.
Who said love had to be heroic?
"I know," Violet said again with a heavy sigh. "Perhaps I should have put a stop to this a long time ago."
"To what?" Colin asked.
"You and Penelope, dear," she explained. "When you said you were writing letters to her this year, I knew I should have sat you down and explained some things to you."
"Will everyone not speak plainly with me? Please," he begged, running his hands through his hair in frustration.
"Colin, dear, there are different rules in society for people like Penelope. Not just because she is a woman, but because she doesn't have the same kind of protection that our family does. The Featherington name is not one that can avoid scandal as easily as ours."
Colin rolled his eyes. He was so tired of hearing people whisper their opinions about the Featheringtons. Sure, their mother was a bit exhausting, the elder daughters dull and annoying, but Penelope was different. "I am well aware of their reputation, Mother. But Pen is nothing like them, and that is why I was warning her of my findings about her cousin, Jack. I was doing the right thing."
I'm no Superman, but I'll do all I can. I'll do everything for you.
"Of course you were. I don't doubt your intentions, Colin. But even your brothers told me that you were dancing quite closely with her. They said you pulled her into a secluded room, unchaperoned. What were you thinking, Colin? Regardless of how you see your relationship with Penelope, if anyone else had seen you, they would talk. People would begin to question her virtue. Your hands would have been forced, and I know that's not what you want for either of you." Violet paused, letting the words wash over him. Marriage to Penelope. Marriage. Penelope. Of course that's not what he wanted. Right? "Colin, you say you did all of this to protect her. If you care for her, even as a sister---"
"She is not my sister." He didn't know why that bothered him so much, but that's definitely not what Penelope was to him. She was important yes, perhaps more so than anyone else, but she was not his sister. It was more than that.
"Then what is she to you? Because I do not see Eloise going to such lengths to protect Penelope," Violet noted.
"I...don't know."
"Colin, do you perhaps love Penelope?" Violet asked so softly, taking his hand.
Did he? Is that was this was? It couldn't be. Love was a lightning bolt. It was consuming, maddening, it shook the very earth you stood upon. He felt none of that with Penelope. His feelings for her hadn't changed since they met. Had they? "I don't know what love is," he said with a sigh.
Violet smiled at him with pity. "In your heart, dear, you must know how you feel."
Don't know why I've tried to run so far.
He sank lower into his chair. "I feel as if I don't know anything."
Violet moved closer, trying her best to understand her son. Edmund had told her once how he was uncertain of his feelings. He said it took the thought of losing her to finally admit it was love. "Then let me ask you this," Violet began, trying another approach. "If you were to think about Penelope engaged to another man, marrying him, having children with him, sharing a life with him, how would that make you feel, Colin?"
Good God. It physically pained him to think about it. He felt his heart squeeze in his chest at the thought. Penelope in a white wedding gown, walking down the aisle. Penelope, glowing and round with child. Penelope, nursing said child and caring for them. The images felt so right, yet wrong at the same time. As if some piece of the puzzle did not quite fit. "I...I would want to know he was worthy of her. I would want her to be happy."
"Is there any part of you that wishes you could be worthy of her?" Violet pressed. "That you could make her happy?"
Colin thought back to those words Marina had said at the beginning of the season. 'You have...Penelope.' Did he? Could he?
"I...yes," he answered resolutely.
How could a love like that be so hard?
"Colin, do you love Penelope?" Violet asked again, hoping his answer had changed.
He smiled. "Yes. I think I do." The notion filled him with equal parts ease and dread.
"Then tell her," his mother said simply.
Why do I run the risk of ruining all the things we've made? Maybe I'm just afraid. Maybe I'm not so brave.
"No."
Violet looked at him in confusion. "Colin---"
Colin rose from his seat, pulling his hand from hers. "No, Mother. I am not worthy of her. Not now. I couldn't make her happy." He had hurt her. He had disregarded her feelings. He had been thoughtless with his actions. For God's sake, he had wasted so much time. "That much is obvious," he continued. How could she ever love him in return when all did was hurt her? "I love her, but I do not deserve her. It is as you said. Penelope deserves better."
Violet stood to take her son's hand again. "Oh Colin, that is not what I meant. Dearest, please sit down so we can talk this through."
How could it be that hard?
Colin shook his head and headed to the door of the dining room, swinging it open. "You can all stop eavesdropping at the door." A pile of Bridgertons came spilling in, eyes wide and slightly apologetic.
"Has she talked some sense into you?" Benedict asked, quite direct.
"As if he's capable of sense," Eloise grumbled, earning a pinch on the arm from Francesca. She was actually rooting for their brother and Penelope.
"Colin, please, listen to me," Violet pleaded. The siblings launched into whispered debates, all about Colin's feelings and what he should do.
How could it be that hard?
"I am to leave for Italy next," Colin blurted, breaking up the chaos. "Then perhaps France. I'll be sure to be back in time for Fran's debut."
"What? Colin---" Anthony objected.
Colin's face shifted into the mask he often wore for society. Polite, kind, charming, happy. Exactly what everyone needed him to be. "I think everyone could do without me in London for a while."
"Dear, please rethink this."
"Colin, you cannot be serious."
"You can't leave now."
"Brother, this will not fix things."
Everyone voiced their concerns to him, all except Eloise who seemed to agree with him completely.
"No," Colin said. "I will be back for the next season, Mother, I swear it. Perhaps by then, I will be the man Penelope needs me to be. If not, I will have to accept that..." He paused, unable to say the words. "That I lost her."
Everyone was shocked into silence as Colin fled the room, having dropped such a bomb on them. Their eyes went wide again, searching each other for answers. They would find none, because not even Colin understood his own feelings anymore. If he ever did.
How could a love like that be so hard?