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It was a beautiful day on the island, for it seemed Christmas had arrived in August this year rather than its usual December (or July for those celebrating at the halfway point for whatever reason). The island's latest sky-foretold disaster had brought not destruction but rather artifacts of a lost time. Some might even say, a mythic time. A time of spies, of subterfuge. Of sneaking past security cameras and stealing from vaults. But mostly, a time of shockingly overpowered.
FOR MIDAS' DRUM GUN HAD RETURNED TO THE ISLAND. You know, among other things.
"That's right, agents," Midas told his reassembled team. "The guns with our fucking names on them are back. So!" He clapped his hands and surveyed the group. "Who's up for a little leisure and larceny? Naturally, as my subordinates, you'll all be expected to relinquish the drum gun to me upon its recovery, but I assume you all anticipated that."
The agents all grumbled in confirmation while passing around the list of unvaulted mythics to review. Skye scanned the page and raised her hand. "Uh, boss?" she said. "Mine's not on the list."
"Correct," Midas said.
"Why?"
"The Foundation's MK-Seven is the AR they picked," Midas said.
"Isn't your gun an AR?" Skye asked.
"Debatable," Midas said.
"So mine isn't on there either?" Meowscles said.
"No," Midas said.
Meowscles snatched the paper away from Skye, scowling as he read the list. "What about mine?" Brutus asked in the meantime.
"Gunnar's stinger is the SMG," Midas said.
Brutus glanced over Meowscles' shoulder at the list. "Zyg and Choppy's ray gun is also on here though," he said.
Midas shrugged. "Arguably, not an SMG."
"Why are both of Kit's on here?" Meowscles shouted.
"Shotgun and mobility needed representatives," Midas said with another shrug.
"But my grappler gun!" Skye shouted. "Or even Jules' glider gun!"
"Rocket ram says hi," Midas said.
"Who needs the shockwave launcher when the rocket ram is in the game?" Meowscles said.
"Oh, please," Midas said with a dismissive wave, "you know that thing is for trolling, not mobility."
"I'm just trying to understand," Skye said, rubbing her forehead, "why you think any of us would want to squad with you when our own mythics aren't even back."
"Mine is," TNTina pointed out with a shit-eating grin.
"Well, good for you!" Skye stood and crossed her arms. "If you want help, go ask people whose items are ingame. We'll be there to snatch them out of your cold, dead loot piles left once the drones spirit you away." She glanced at Meowscles and Brutus. "Who's with me?"
Meowscles and Brutus glanced at each other and, shrugging, rose and followed her. Midas rolled his eyes as they left. "Well, Tina," he said, "I guess I'll go find Kit and Ocean and meet you on Spawn Island. Sound good?"
"You know they're going to go squad up with Jules, right?" TNTina asked.
Midas considered this for a moment, then frowned when he realized she was right. "Fuck."
So it was that the squad of Midas, TNTina, Kit, and Ocean, leered at the squad of Skye, Brutus, Meowscles, and Jules, the entirety of the time they spent waiting to board the battle bus. Unfortunately, what with this chapter's gimmick being that loopers get unceremoniously dumped onboard the bus via magic rift rather than the time-honored tradition of waiting in line to use the door, the two rival squads lost track of each other once the bus was in air, causing confusion as they tried to figure out which of the three bases they should try to raid first to upset their opponents. As US readers may be aware, fitting 100 people onboard an American school bus is no mean feat, and thus the vehicle was quite crowded until people began to leave.
Midas thus made an executive decision and directed his squad to Relentless Retreat. Not to appease TNTina and Ocean because it was in much the same spot as their old bases were, but because it also reminded him somewhat of The Shark and he figured Skye would go there first. As they landed on the sandbar across from the resort and began looting, Midas took a deep breath and made an appreciative sigh, watching the horde of gliders descend upon the location. "Truly, it feels like the good old days around here," he said with a smile. "Suppressed weapons, remote explosives, and look! my golden touch is even bugged again. They got everything right."
After ensuring everyone was well-equipped, the squad commenced their assault without issue since this was hardly their first heist. To their disappointment, they did not spot any familiar faces vying for the vault. They did, however, spot an identical face while beating the boss.
"Well well well." Midsummer Midas (Jacket (On)) (Sunglasses (On)) (Reactive Gold (Off)) lowered his sunglasses slightly, though not far enough to turn himself into Midsummer Midas (Jacket (On)) (Sunglasses (Off)) (Reactive Gold (Off)). "What a surprise to see you all here. Not."
Midas threw his head back and groaned. "You are quite literally the last people I wanted to see." Grimacing, he took in the group, frowning after he did a quick headcount. Midsummer Midas was only accompanied by Shadow Midas (Reactive (On)) and the cell-shaded nightmare, Golden Gear Midas (Helmeted). Midas assumed Anime Midas was in that style because nobody wanted to see his face. Still, that was only three people total. "You manage to lose someone already?" Midas asked.
"Icebound Midas went to Sanguine Suites," Midsummer Midas said with a shrug. "Said this place was too hot for him. Personally, I think it's perfect here. My other styles have been enjoying the pool with Beach Jules. I'll be joining them once I loot this vault. Hopefully the chug jug's in there."
"That's mine," Ocean said angrily. "And yes, it really hits the spot on a warm day!"
"Excellent," Midsummer Midas said. "Can't wait. Love to stay and chat, but that vault won't open itself."
"Correct," Midas said. "We'll be doing that." He nodded to TNTina. "If you would."
TNTina threw something at Midsummer Midas, which turned out to be a big bush bomb. Midas turned to TNTina and started wringing his hands. "I thought you said you had explosives!"
"It has bomb in its name," TNTina said with a shrug.
After a quick pickaxe session to clear the area, the squad tracked down and soundly dispatched their opponents, since they outnumbered them four to three. Upon reaching the vault, they were presented with a choice, quite fittingly though anachronistically, between TNTina's Ka-Boom Bow and Ocean's Bottomless Chug Jug. An argument thus broke out between TNTina and Ocean until Midas decided he needed a drink and grabbed the chug jug. After sprinting back to the ground floor and reaching the rift to escape, they floated to the north shore to regroup, where Midas drank from the mythic chug and declared that Ocean was correct. With everyone accounted for, and having not spotted their rivals yet, they decided to head further north to Eclipsed Estate.
Meanwhile, at Sanguine Suites, Skye was leading her squad through the bowels of the hotel there to reach the vault. She'd put Brutus on demolition duty (read: rocket ram duty) and was presently breaking through walls to reach the boss. After defeating him with ease, the squad headed over to the vault, only to be attacked once they opened the door. But not by the opponents they were expecting.
"What are you doing here?" Skye asked, lowering her gun.
"What do you think?" the Foundation said. "Those weapons have our names on them."
Skye glanced at the Foundation's teammates, who were Gunnar and Zyg. "Aren't those two your literal enemies?"
"Desperate times call for desperate measures," the Foundation said.
"Wait a minute," Jules said, counting, "why are there only three of you?"
"Agent Jones is..." The Foundation trailed off, searching for the right word. "Otherwise engaged."
For upstairs, Agent Jones had his hands full with a quite different standoff. This one involved the hotel concierge- Vivica Saint- and a couple- Drift and Brite Bomber- who'd used a travel company to book a room here and had enlisted Agent Jones to settle a billing dispute. "For the last time," Agent Jones said, "I'm not the Snapshot who served as your travel agent. I don't know what you expect from me here."
"I expect you to get the price you promised us," Drift said. "You said I'd get a discount for being a vampire."
"You're not a vampire though," Vivica Saint explained. "That's your other Snapshot. If he was here, he'd be the one getting the discount."
"But we're the same person," Drift protested.
"Oh really?" Vivica Saint said. "So you're fine with drinking blood?"
Drift hesitated. "Let me think about it."
Brite Bomber groaned. "Just give us the discount price or I'll review bomb this place into oblivion," she said.
"She'll do it," Drift added. "She's done it before. Season 5."
Vivica Saint paled, which was impressive since she was a vampire and already quite pale. "Of chapter 1?"
Brite Bomber smirked. "Zero stars." She pointed at Agent Jones with her thumb. "Ask him. He was there too."
"Not me," Agent Jones said. "That was Rex."
"Same difference," Brite Bomber said.
"Maybe?" Agent Jones scratched his head. "I hate this lore."
Back down below by the entrance to the vault, the Foundation brandished his twin mag assault rifle. "Now, out of the way."
Skye and her squad were not interested in giving in to that demand, and so a fight commenced. While they were able to take out Zyg and Gunnar with relative ease, the Foundation was not so easily defeated. He hounded the squad into the vault, only pausing in his assault to inspect the display cases. "My gun," he said, reaching for the Foundation's MK-Seven.
But before he could grab it, Skye smashed her fist through the glass and got to it first, then unleashed its scoped fury upon the Foundation. He did not last long. "Wow," Skye said, giddy, "this thing is great!"
"Better than yours?" the Foundation asked weakly from his downed position.
Skye chose not to answer that, because she didn't want to be a liar. Instead, she finished off the Foundation and led her squad out of the base, passing Agent Jones still trying to resolve the pricing dispute in the lobby. "Look," he was saying, "maybe we could talk to a manager or something?"
"Kado Thorne only takes inquiries directly in the comfort of his home," Vivica Saint said. "Luckily, the zone is even in your favor!"
Agent Jones checked the map to verify that while a voice over the comms started yelling in his ear. "Jones, you better not abandon our reboot cards here," the Foundation said, "or so help me, I will-" Agent Jones muted the voice chat and started heading across the map. He did not even notice that he passed a rather grumpy Icebound Midas, who was furiously typing up a negative review upon hearing the alarms trigger, which were quite loud and incredibly disruptive to his intended relaxing vacation.
At Eclipsed Estate, Nolan Chance checked that everyone was in position for their assault on the boss. Sure, they'd encountered a few delays in beginning this heist, but being fashionably late would just make this more fun. The zone was still in their favor anyway.
After getting confirmation from Antonia, Fish Thicc, and Mae, Nolan Chance and his squad slid into action. Like a well-oiled machine, they swiftly dispatched all the hazards and guards in the area. Nolan Chance picked up the keycard with a grin, which vanished the moment he turned around and found two squads staring them down.
It was like staring into a mirror. Midas, TNTina, Meowscles, and Skye each stepped forward from their respective squad and glared at Nolan Chance, Antonia, Fish Thicc, and Mae, respectively. "Look at these cheap fucking knock-offs," Midas scoffed.
"Oh no," Nolan Chance said. "We're the upgrades."
"Then why haven't you heisted the vault here yet?" Skye said, waving her The Foundation's MK-Seven in a clear taunt.
"What, am I supposed to be impressed when you went for the easier marks?" Nolan Chance said. "Do you have any idea how many people land here because there are three mythics and not just two? It's not easy surviving this long when half the bus drops in the same place, for your information."
"Yes," Midas said emphatically, "we're all quite aware. Any other bad questions?"
"Yeah, I have one." Jules raised her hand and stepped forward, to Midas' surprise. "Is Antonia my mom?"
"No comment," Midas said. But then he took out the chug jug and started drinking it, despite being at full health.
Nolan Chance glanced at Antonia in confusion, but she was suddenly very interested in the ceiling, despite the lack of anything noteworthy there. He frowned and looked back at the other squads. "Anyway, how about we settle this like gentlemen?" he said, producing a business turret.
Everyone else did the same, because the business turret is objectively the best item in this season, and then the floor was riddled with business turrets all spraying little 7s across the group as everyone made a dash for the vault. Once there, everyone was out of range of their business turrets and so threw down new ones, since business turrets stack to 2 and ostensibly everyone should always have a backup business turret, and again the group was hit with little 7s while they all waited for the vault to open.
Miraculously, everyone was still alive when they all ran into the vault and saw what was within: Zyg & Choppy's Ray Gun, Kit's Shockwave Launcher, and-
"MY FUCKING GUN," Midas said, running to the case that held Midas' Drum Gun.
But Nolan Chance was already at the ray gun, his hand primed and ready to grab it, and so a standoff commenced. "Think about it this way," he said. "The ray gun is objectively better. It has infinite ammo and a cooldown, while yours needs medium bullets and has to reload."
"The drum gun has my fucking name on it," Midas said. "I'm not leaving without it."
"We could always compromise and take my shockwave launcher," Kit suggested, but absolutely everyone in the group shot this down immediately.
"My drum gun is iconic," Midas said. "It brought all the loopers to the Agency."
Nolan Chance rolled his eyes at that. "That was THREE YEARS AGO," he said. "Stop living in the past. It's been nerfed into oblivion anyway."
"Boss, he's kind of right," Skye pointed out. "Plus I already have the MK-Seven, which is objectively the best of the unvaulted mythics."
Jules sighed. "Skye, I actually agree with my dad here. We can't lose out on the drum gun."
"You're just saying that because it shows up as your gun in the kill feed," Skye said.
"Wait," Midas said, blinking, "what?"
Nolan Chance saw his chance and wound back his arm to grab the ray gun, but Midas wasn't having it and stole the drum gun first. With a shit-eating grin, he took out Nolan Chance and the rest of his squad, then turned on Skye's, but she and her teammates were already sprinting out of the vault and heading for the stairs. Unfortunately, the lockdown triggered a set of bars preventing them from ascending further, and Midas took out Brutus and Meowscles once he caught up.
Skye and Jules started pickaxing the bars while Midas laughed and reloaded. "It's been fun," he said, "but it's high time I eliminated you SHADOW scum."
"What?" Skye stopped her pickaxing and turned around, indignant. "I was the only one who stuck by you!"
"Did you?" Midas frowned, but after a moment, his eyes widened. "Oh, right, your camo phase. That's why I blocked that out of my memory." He cleared his throat and aimed his weapon. "Anyway, prepare to get wrecked."
Fortunately, Jules managed to finish breaking the bars as Midas began firing, and she and Skye continued running. However, they did not get very far before they encountered another obstacle: Kado Thorne himself.
"Why hello there, girls," he said, giving them a sinister grin. "I'm afraid official tours have finished for this loop, but rest assured that you'll have your chance next match. All you need to do is return what's mine."
"Actually, you're looking for that guy," Skye said, pointing behind her with her thumb.
Kado Thorne smiled wider when he spotted who was there. "Ah, the guy whose hand I stole."
Midas lowered his drum gun, confused. "When did that happen?"
"Don't worry about it," Kado Thorne said.
"Does that mean we're getting Pirate Midas soon?" Skye asked hopefully.
"No," Kado Thorne said. "Any other bad questions?"
"Yeah, I have one." Everyone turned to the doorway, where Piper Pace stood. "Who ordered a pizza?"
The group exchanged glances, each shaking their heads, and Piper Pace frowned. "Are you sure you have the right address?" Kado Thorne asked. "I'm on a liquid diet."
"I don't see any other places named Eclipsed Estate on the map," Piper Pace said with a shrug.
"Oh, that's for us!" A squad ran into the room, composed of members of the High Stakes Club, with Helsie leading the way. She grabbed the pizza from Piper Pace. "Thanks! Pizza's the perfect food for a stakeout!" Helsie turned to Kado Thorne, still grinning. "By the way, boba tea really hits the spot if you need a drink!" She scowled. "You know, instead of your usual fare."
"I have very particular tastes," Kado Thorne said, sneering. "But I think you already knew that."
"Is that why you stole Ocean's Chug Jug?" Midas asked.
Kado Thorne slapped his forehead. "It's because I'm a vampire, shit-for-brains. No wonder it was so easy to steal your hand."
"You all have shit for brains," Piper Pace said. "Storm came in two minutes ago and you're all still standing here."
"Wait," Skye said, speaking for all of them as everyone checked their maps, "what?"
Piper Pace waved. "Toodles!" she said, and got in her car and drove off.
There was an awkward silence as everyone realized how very low on health they all were. Finally, Midas started laughing as he took out the chug jug. "Too bad, losers," he said, starting to take a drink, "but it looks like I'll be winning this match by survival alone!"
Unfortunately, the chug jug's heal time was so long that he did not, in fact, survive the storm and perished along with everyone else. Meanwhile, across the map, Agent Jones was being hassled by radio tower goons in his efforts to reach Eclipsed Estate and speak with Kado Thorne, only to be halted as the Victory Royale sign appeared over his head. "Huh," he said. "It's been a while since I won by doing absolutely nothing."
The end.