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“Mama, what are you doing?” Scar gulps, knuckles whitening with his grip on the door knob.
It was pitch black outside, one of the rare nights the neighborhood settled down. The flickering porch bulb was the only source of light. There were crickets chirping and mosquitos smacking into the catcher making a sizzling sound.
His mom sighs, and drops her head. Her elbows are rested on the splintering and peeling railing. She lets out a humorless huff of laughter, and shakes her head, rubbing her forehead with her free hand.
She takes a puff of her cigarette and looks back up, letting out the smoke. “Go back to bed, Scar.”
Scar licks his lips and steps out further into the cold, the screen door swinging shut behind him with a thud. “You hate smoking.”
“Yeah, well desperate times.” She murmurs, still not looking at him. She shakes her head again, her red curls in a messy bun bouncing with the movement.
“Dad smoked.” Scar’s shaking and he’s not sure if it’s entirely because of the cold. His bare feet hurt on the broken wood porch.
“Etho,” she emphasizes with a hiss. “Abused smoking.”
Scar rubs sleep out of his eyes. “You hate smoking.” He repeats.
“Go check on your brother. You know he wakes up when someones not with him.” His mom puts out her cigarette on the railing and Scar breath hitches before the ember goes out. She throws the butt into the backyard and pulls another one out.
Bdubs never woke up in the middle of the night. He sleeps like a rock, and always from the moment he goes to bed to the moment he wakes up in the morning.
“Mama,” he pleads.
“Walk away, Scar.” His mom warns, turning her head just a bit to the side, lighting another cigarette.
“Please.” He sniffles and his eyes are watering.
“Don’t make me do this.”
“You told B you would read him a bedtime story.” Scar tries a different approach, rubbing his hands together for warmth.
“I know.” She sighs and takes a long drag, turning away once again.
“You promised.” Scar swallows and his feet are burning.
“I wasn’t feeling up for it.” She shrugs, looking up. Scar watches her curls flow off her shoulders, messily cut with a dull pocket knife. She blows out smoke and Scar follows it with his eyes.
“You’re never up to it anymore.” He presses his palms into his eyes to stop the sting and his mom snorts quietly.
“I’m sorry.” She looks down again, out into the backyard. Scar knows she isn’t sorry.
“You loved reading B bedtime stories.” Scar blinks away tears, his lip wobbling.
“Yeah, well I loved Etho!” His mom spits and whips around. Her eyes are puffy and red, with tear tracks down her rosy cheeks, her lips are split and cracked.
Scar’s tears roll down his cheeks silently. His mom holds up her cigarette and Scar takes a step back with aching feet. She stares for a moment before crushing it in her fist and throwing it off the porch.
She storms past Scar and throws the door open, leaving Scar to scramble away to not get hit. “You have school tomorrow,” she pauses. “Get some sleep.” She slams the door behind her and Scar is left in the freezing cold with only the screaming crickets and dying mosquitos.
_______
“Mama!?” Scar calls out when he bursts into the house with a wailing Bdubs in his arms.
His body aches from carrying his ten year old brother for around half a mile. But he doesn’t dare put the boy down.
Scar looks around in panic, swallowing and feeling himself shake. “MAMA!?” He yells again in desperation, rushing in and out of rooms.
He ends up back in the living room, no mom and a louder Bdubs. His ears ring and his own eyes start to water.
“Okay, okay.” Scar mumbles to himself, tapping his foot frantically. “Don’t freak out.” He licks his lips and gently lays Bdubs on the couch.
He rushes to get the first aid kit and a damp washcloth.
“Bdubs,” Scar says gently, kneeling in front of his brother. “I need you to calm down.” He pleads, hands hovering hesitantly.
Bdubs sniffs and looks at Scar before screaming.
Scar winces and nods. “Okay.” He murmurs, he squeezes his eyes shut. “Bug.” He says firmly and puts his hands on Bdubs’ knees, squeezing.
Bdubs looks down at him, his screams stop with all that’s left being gasping and raspy breaths.
“You need to calm down, okay? I’m going to help you, I promise.” Scar is reassuring himself as well. Bdubs nods slowly, sniffling.
Scar doesn’t know where to start and his heart breaks at his brother’s face. Covered in blood, staring at his older brother, expecting him to fix everything. And Scar’s going to god damn try.
-
Scar sits at the kitchen table far into the night before he finally hears the door click. He’s on his feet in a second, meeting his mom before she can do anything.
She comes in giggling and her smile falters as she sees Scar. She slowly closes the door and adjusts the purse on her arm. “Scar?”
“You look beautiful.” Scar breathes, because she does.
His mom’s face softens and she cups one of Scar’s cheeks. “Thank you, sweetheart.” She hums, brushing past him and into the kitchen.
She sets her purse on the table and starts rummaging through it. Scar gulps and stands next to her with his hands on the table.
“B lost some of his teeth today.”
His mom stops. “What.” She blinks and a hard gaze is on Scar.
Scar steps back and takes a breath. “We were staying late at school like you told us,” she crosses her arms. “And so on our way home, we had to walk, we couldn’t take the bus. He was running ahead and he fell in a ditch.”
His mom stares at him before burying her face into her hands. “God, Scar.” She huffs out a humorless laugh. “You had one job!” She scowls and throws her hands in the air. “You couldn’t watch Bdubs for a couple fucking hours!?”
Scar furrows his eyebrows. “I have watched him for much longer than that.” He defends himself.
“Well, obviously you’re not doing a great job, huh!?” His mom growls, crossing her arms again.
“It wasn’t my fault!” Scar blinks away tears. Is she seriously blaming him?
“You better fucking hope it wasn’t your fault.” She points a finger at him.
Scar finds himself wanting to grab it and snap it. He shakes his head.
“Grian’s getting back tomorrow. You’re watching Jimmy and B while me and Joel go to the airport.” She grabs her purse and heads out of the kitchen, her heels clacking. She pauses in the door of the hallway. “Don’t fuck up Jimmy too.”
Scar stands in the middle of the kitchen, arms wrapped around himself.
_______
Scar stares dumbfounded at the man in front of him, just outside his house. His grip tightens on the doorknob.
“M-Mama’s not home.” He stutters.
Etho furrows his eyebrows and peeks past Scar. “Are you watching your brother?”
Scar tries to step to the side to block Etho’s view but as a twelve year old he is much shorter than his father. “Yes.” He glares up at the man.
Etho looks down and sighs. “Can I talk to you guys?”
Scar falters. “Okay.” He says and Etho smiles. “But not inside.” Etho’s smile turns more forced but he nods. “Stay there.” Scar swallows and closes the door to go get Bdubs.
“Bug?” Scar calls hesitantly, walking down the hallway. He knocks on the door to his and his brother’s room.
After a moment the door swings open and Bdubs grins at him. “What’s up?” Scar’s eyes water and he feels a pit start to form in his stomach.
“Etho’s here.” He whispers, voice warbling.
Bdubs stands there frozen before he lights up. “Dad’s here!?” He pushes past Scar and runs out.
Scar stands there, hearing the door slam. He sniffles, wiping his eyes. He smiles and takes a shaky breath
-
“Scar!?”
Scar blinks and turns his head to look over his shoulder. His mom is standing on the porch with a panicked look.
“Scar, where is your brother!?” His mom’s eyes scan over his wrecked face.
“Gone.” Scar says with a bittersweet smile on his face. “Etho showed up,”
His mom’s breath hitches and her face immediately hardens. “He took him!?” Her hands tightened on the railing and she whipped around. “I’ll- I’ll fucking sue him. No, screw suing him! I’ll get him arrested! That’s fucking kidnapping!”
“No.” Scar whispers and somehow his mom hears him.
“What?” She turns back to him.
Scar stands up from the ground, pants wet from the damp grass. “He went with him willingly, mama.”
“Pardon?”
“Etho,” Scar takes a breath and starts walking over to his mom. He stands below the porch, looking up at her. It’s not a tall porch, only a foot off the ground. “He asked us to live with him.”
His mom looked completely lost, scanning his face for anything.
“Bdubs agreed.”
“No…” She whispers.
Scar nods, a watery smile on his face. He reaches up and takes her hands. “It’ll be good for him.”
“Why are you still here.” She hisses, squeezing his hands in an almost painful way.
“I couldn’t just leave you, mama.” He stares up at her and shakes his head.
“You should’ve.” She murmurs, tears sliding silently down her face.
“I can’t.”
Her nails dig into his hand and he winces but doesn’t budge.
“I’m gonna hurt you.” She warns in a hushed voice.
“I’ll survive. We’ll heal, mama. Together.” He promises, rubbing his thumbs over her knuckles.
“Leave while you still can, Scar.” She scowls. “Go live with your dad. He can provide for you.”
“You’ve been here, mama. Not him. Etho isn’t my dad.” Scar swallows and he’s barely keeping down his sobs. He’s shaking.
“Don’t.” She closes her eyes, tears getting stuck to her eyelashes. “Do this.”
“I love you, mama.”
“Stop calling me that.” She shakes her head and pulls her hands away from him. Scar lets her. “Goodnight.”
Scar stands and watches her go back inside. He sobs.
_______
“Scar!”
Scar takes his earbuds out and rubs his face with a sigh. “Coming!” He pulls himself out of bed and out to the kitchen, she sounded upset.
Scar gets out there and his mom is standing there with one hand on her hip and the other leaning against the counter.
“Why aren’t these dishes done?” She crosses her arms with a scowl.
Scar runs through his head. “You didn’t ask me to do them?”
His mom throws her arms up with a laugh of disbelief. “I’m out, working my ass off so we can live here and have food on the table. And you sit here all day, doing fucking what? Apparently jack shit couped up in your bedroom feeling bad for yourself.” She pouts in mockery.
Scar holds in a long sigh, closing his eyes for a second. “I’m sorry. I appreciate you working to provide for me. I’ll do more to show my gratitude.”
“God, you sound like a fucking prude.” His mom murmurs, rubbing her forehead. “Like a damn robot.” She rolls her eyes. “Like, I’m the bad guy.” She scoffs.
“I didn’t mean it like that.” Scar shakes his head.
“Whatever, Scar.” She waves him off. “I’m going to bed.”
“It’s six pm, mom.” He frowns.
She ignores him.
________
“Mom, I’m really sorry, but I can’t eat this.” Scar’s stomach dropped as he pushed the plate away. He felt so bad, his mom had taken her time making this for him and he couldn’t eat it.
“What do you mean?” His mom looked up from her plate at him with furrowed eyebrows.
“It’s- It’s got this- this texture. It makes my mouth feel weird and I can’t eat it.” Scar tried to explain, poking at the noodles on his plate with his fork.
His mom sputters and scoffs in disbelief. “Seriously, Scar?” She puts her fork down.
“I’m sorry-” He really is.
“No.” She puts up a hand to stop her. “I came home early, so we could spend some time together. I made you a lovely dinner, homemade. I did it all for you and this is how you repay me?” She puts a hand on her heart.
“No,” Scar shakes his head. “No, you can’t do that-”
“Can’t do what, Scar? Tell you the truth?” She furrows her eyebrows.
“No, mom-” Scar tries to find his words. “No, I told you why I can’t eat it. I really appreciate the thought and I still want to spend time with you, I just can’t eat this.”
“God, you’re just like Etho.”
Scar freezes. “You- You can’t compare me to him. That’s not fair.”
“Then stop acting like him.” She hisses.
Scar stands abruptly, his chair screeching back. “I want to hang out with you, mom. I really do. But, I will not- and I repeat, absolutely, will not- be doing anything with you if you are going to treat me like this.”
Scar turns on his heel and starts toward the hallway.
“Why are you like this, Scar.”
Scar lets out a breath and shakes his head, tears welling in his eyes. “I don’t know.”
“That’s not an answer!” HIs mom scoffs. “You must know if you continue to keep up acting so- so stupid!” She laughs. “I have tried- so fucking hard! To raise you correctly! And it’s like you’re shitting on all of my efforts!”
Scar looks down at the floor, sniffling. He wrings his hands together, not daring to look back at his mother. “I don’t know what you want me to say.”
“I want you to explain yourself!” She growls. “You’re so fucking confusing and- and I just can’t keep up with you! You- remind me. So much of Etho. And I can’t do it.”
“I’m his son.” The reality of that dawns on Scar. Scar was born the son of his father. He can’t change that. He’s trying his best to not be like him. He is.
His mom apparently ignores him. “Why do you stay home all the time? Why do you always do everything for me like I’m a fucking child!? Why do you act like you’re always the victim? Why do you never do anything I ask of you? Why don’t you do anything for yourself? Why are you like this, Scar!?”
“I don’t know.” He emphasizes.
“GOD, WOULD YOU STOP SAYING THAT!?” His mom explodes, and by the tone of her voice Scar can tell she’s crying. “You obviously know! How would you not know why you’re acting like something!? You’re not even trying to think!”
“I am trying. I’m sorry, mom.” Scar won’t dare call his mom a hypocrite right now. Because Scar is pretty sure half the goddamn time, she does things without thinking.
“Just- just leave, Scar. I can’t deal with you right now.” She huffs.
“I’m sorry.” Scar tries to smile at the floor, but it’s shaky and tight lipped and it’s not like his mom can see his face so why does it matter.
“If you were sorry you wouldn’t be acting like this.”
Scar swallows and he turns around to look at her. She’s a wreck. Her hands are gripped so tightly on the table that her knuckles are paper white, she’s bitten her lip so hard that it’s bleeding, and her hair has been pulled out of her bun to show a tangled mess.
“Mom, please let me help you-” Scar steps forward with his hands outstretched.
“NO!” She screams and stumbles back. “Leave. Go to your room.”
“Mom, please.” He pleads, his hands shaking.
“Oscar.”
Scar freezes.
“Go.” She puts her hands up. “To.” She takes another step back. “Your room.”
Scar sniffs and moves away from her. He nods. “Yeah. Yeah, okay.” He turns and rushes to his room.
He softly closes the door behind him and leans against it. His eyes flicker to his phone but he quickly tears his gaze away. He’s not giving up when it gets tough.
“Find me if you change your mind, Hotguy.” A gentle voice, a genuine smile, a memory of something he misses.
Scar chokes down a sob and slides down his door.
________
“Mom-” Scar is holding his stomach, his limbs are aching and his stomach keeps turning.
“No! Fucking hell, Scar! Can’t you tell I’m busy!?” His mom growls, clenching her fists. “I don’t care if you’re not feeling well, you’re going to fucking school! Your grades have been at an all time low!” She laughs in disbelief. “What are you doing when you’re in that damn room all day!?”
“Mom, please.” Scar whispers.
“Just shut up, Scar. When I get home tonight I expect at least one of your dumb mistakes to have been fixed.” She aggressively grabs her purse off the table and turns to leave.
“I’m sorry.” Scar says, muffled to his own ringing ears.
His mom pauses at the door. “Don’t lie to me.”
________
Scar is soaked to the bone, shivering and vibrating. His head is hung low and his arms are wrapped around himself. He’s covered in mud and the rain continues to mercilessly pour. He blinks down at the ground, he knows he’s crying from the sting in his eyes.
His mother’s, father’s, and the police officers’ voices are a distant hum, muffled as he stares at the ground.
His legs are burning and he’s wobbling and he thinks he might collapse, but he won’t dare do that in front of his mother.
Scar’s brought out of his dissociation by a hand on his shoulder, he keeps himself from jumping and tiredly looks up, meeting Etho’s eyes.
Worried.
That pit in Scar’s stomach throbs. Reminding him it exists.
“Running away? What were you thinking, bud?” Etho puts his other hand on Scar’s other shoulder, leaning down slightly. “My offer still stands, yanno-”
Scar shakes his head and lets out a broken sob, squeezing himself. “I’m staying here.” He whispers. “And I’m…so…sorry. I had a bad day, okay?” He refuses to look Etho in the eyes.
“Kiddo..” Etho rubs his thumbs on Scar’s shoulders. “Look at me. Please.”
Scar looks up and almost throws up at the care in Etho’s eyes.
Etho clicks his tongue quietly and pulls Scar in.
Scar stands still for a second before wrapping his arms around his dad as well. He buries his head into his dad’s chest and cries.
“Your brother misses you.” His dad murmurs and Scar sobs louder. “I miss you.”
Scar can’t do this.
He pushes Etho away and furiously wipes his eyes. “Thanks, Etho. Tell Bug I miss him too.” His voice barely warbled and he was very proud.
“Kiseki-” Etho tried once more, and maybe if his mom didn’t show up, it would’ve worked. The nickname made Scar choke up.
But she did show up. And she laid her hand on Etho’s shoulder, a firm grip and a warning. “Etho,” she leaned closer to him. “Go home.” She whispered. “To your son.”
“Scar is my son too, Cleo.” Etho argued, and Scar was a bit impressed.
“Not after you walked out.” Scar’s mom shook her head and dug her nails into Etho’s shoulder. “Now leave.”
Etho closed his eyes for a moment, but eventually nodded and the pit in his stomach burned. “You know where to find me, kiseki.” He murmured before giving a pointed glare at Scar’s mom and walking off.
They watched him leave before his mom finally turned to him. “We need to talk.” She hissed.
Scar hung his head. He knew this was coming.
“Backyard. Now. Around the house, do not go inside.” She eyed him.
Scar nodded and sulked to the backyard with his mom following him.
“Running away?” She spoke in a dangerously low voice. “Seriously?” She scoffed. “Am I really that bad, Scar?” She crosses her arms and Scar stares at the grass, watching the rain and mud drip from him. "You could have died.” She growls, and Scar can imagine her fists clenching.
“Well I didn’t, so I think it’s okay.” He mumbles, arms behind his back as he looks up at her.
“Oh, it’s just all fine and dandy cause you didn’t die?” His mom raises an eyebrow. “There you go again,” she shakes her head with a laugh of disbelief. “It’s all about you.”
“I mean, I’m the one who ran away. I’m not sure how this would be about anyone else.” Scar gulps.
His mom stares at him, slack jawed. “Oh my god, you are fucking kidding me.” She throws her hands in the air. “You’re just- Fuck, Scar! I don’t fucking understand you! Why do you make me yell at you!? It’s like you want me to fucking hate you!”
Scar swears his heart drops to his stomach. “Do you hate me?” He asks, holding his breath.
His mom doesn’t speak for a moment and his blood runs cold.
“Of course not.” She licks her lips. She shakes her head. “No, of course not, baby.” She steps closer to him and embraces him in a hug. “I could never hate you.” She puts a hand on the back of his head and cradles him close and Scar cries. Silently. He doesn’t make a noise in front of his mom, doesn’t dare to. Not anymore.
They stand there in the rain and Scar can’t find it in himself to care if she loves him or not. She’s there.
________
Scar stands outside his mom’s bedroom, hand poised to knock but he hesitates. He takes a deep breath and knocks.
“Come in.”
Scar cracks the door open and sees his mom laying on her bed, scrolling idly through Netflix.
“Mom, I need to talk to you.” He blurts, fidgeting with his fingers.
His mom’s eyes flicker to him for a second before back at the TV. “Not right now, Scar.”
“Please?” Scar takes a step forward.
“I’m busy.” She stares at the TV, pointing the remote at it but not doing anything.
“It’s important.” He insists.
“Nothing’s ever important with you.” She rolls her eyes.
Scar purses his lips and steels himself. “That was rude.”
His mom pauses. She puts the remote down and sits up, looking at him. “Excuse me?”
Scar’s breath hitches and his heart is beating so fast. But this is what he wanted. He’s going to help his mom, and one of the things he needs to do is tell her when she’s doing something wrong. “I- I didn’t appreciate you saying that to me. It makes it seem like you’re telling me I’m not important.”
His mom doesn’t say anything, staring at him with furrowed eyebrows.
“I need to talk to you about something important and you keep pushing me off.” He licks his lips. “You say you're busy every time, and I’m not sure if I believe you anymore.”
His mom huffs quietly. “Don’t talk to me like that.” She looks like she can’t believe what she’s hearing. “What are you implying? You think I’m a liar?”
“You’re acting like Etho.”
His mom freezes. She takes a minute to process his words before scoffing. “You got mad at me for saying that to you.”
“That’s because I can’t exactly help it.”
“What are you talking about, Scar?” She sighs and lays back down, she sounds exhausted. Mentally.
“I’m his son, mom. Yes, I’m going to act like him, I’m sorry. But you, you have a choice. But you’re still acting like him.” Scar explains, eyes welling up.
“You don’t know your father.” His mom says quietly through gritted teeth.
“I’m not sure I know you anymore, either.” He admits.
She hums, and nods slightly. “I don’t think I know myself either, hun.”
_________
“Why weren't you at school today.”
Scar whimpers and blinks his eyes open, finding his mom standing at his door with her arms crossed and a very pissed expression.
“Mom,” he gasps.
“I don’t want to hear it, Scar.” She scoffs, and then shakes her head with a barking laugh. “I was finally starting to trust you, too. I cannot fucking believe you. I really thought we were getting better. Together.”
“Mom,” He sobs, curling into himself.
“God, shut up, Scar.” She exhales loudly. “You always feel bad for yourself, don’t you? Have you ever thought about other people? Ever thought about how I’m out, night and day, trying to keep you alive. You should’ve fucking gone with Etho.”
“Mom, please listen-”
“No, Scar.” She growls, stepping closer. “It’s always like this with you. You never think about anybody but yourself. How things will affect you, how people will help you, what option will make you seem like the hero. You chose to stay with me over Etho because you thought you could fix me, huh?”
“Mom!”
Scar’s ears were ringing. His vision was blurry, his throat was itchy, his feet were burning, his legs were numb, his arms stung, his mouth was dry, his head pounded. He felt sticky.
“You’re gonna go to school tomorrow, and you’re going to find your brother, and you’re going to go home with him and Etho.” His mom decided, stepping closer once again.
“Please..” Scar pleaded, filled with body wracking sobs.
“I want to know you. I want to be your mom. I want to trust you. I want, I want, I want, I want, Scar. I want so many things, but I’m not going to get them if this is how you’re going to treat me.”
“Don’t use my own words against me.” He rasps.
“Don’t make me then.”
“Mom-”
“No, actually. No, you don’t deserve to talk to me. Not after-”
“MAMA!” Scar screams.
Cleo freezes.
“Mama, please..” Scar cries. Silently. Because he won’t dare make noise in front of his mother. “Mama, it hurts.” He whispers.
His mom snaps out of her shock and rushes over to her. “What hurts? What hurts, baby? Talk to me.” Her hands hover over him, unsure, before she pulls off his blanket.
“Everything, mama. I..Mama, I can’t feel my legs.” His breathing picks up and he can hear his heart hammering in his ears and the pit in his stomach is growing and it hurts.
“Okay,” his mom breathes out. “Okay, baby, I got you, don’t worry, mama’s got this. Calm down, hun, I got you.”
“Okay. Bug. You need to calm down, okay? I’m going to help you, I promise.”
“I’m so..so sorry, baby.” His mom is rambling, she doesn’t know what to do. She’s scared. Scar can see it. She’s terrified. “I’m so sorry. I love you so much. I do. And I’m so sorry and we’re getting through this together. And I’m so fucking glad you’re with me and I’m so shocked you haven’t left me yet. Thank you so much, baby. I love you so much.”
“Am I dying?” Scar looks up at his mom with tears in his eyes.
He feels like he’s nine again. His mom sitting in bed with him, holding onto him and promising him it’ll be okay while Etho packs his bags to move in with the Buachailli’Dana family.
He’s scared all over again. He doesn’t know what to do. His mom doesn’t know what to do and that’s terrifying.
He’s only fourteen.
“No.” His mom sounds so sure and Scar wants to believe her. “No. No, baby. You are not going to die. I’ve got you.” She pulls him up and he whimpers.
She wraps her arms around him and threads her fingers through his hair and hums. She’s holding him so gently, so carefully, so lovingly. She cares. She loves him. She’s holding him, she’s hugging him.
It’s so overwhelming and Scar feels like he can’t breathe, but it’s so nice and the pit in his stomach is being sewn back together. He feels so hot, but he’s so happy. He’s in so much pain. But his mom loves him.
“I got you, milseán.” She whispers into his ear. She’s petting his hair with violently shaking hands. “Don’t you worry. Mama’s got you, my sweet baby boy. I love you so so so much, milseán.”
His mom is there and she’s going to keep him safe. She’s holding him so firmly and Scar wails.
His mom just sobs into his hair, rocking him back and forth, whispering comforts into his ear.