Chapter Text
‘Fuck, and we lost again.’
I dropped to the ground, bruised, red knees hitting the ground with much force. Though it was just a friendly match, this loss hit me bad. I thought I actually improved, but I’m just another grain of sand on the beach.
Looking around, Bastard Munchen stood fists clenched tightly, filled with determination and Michael Kaiser… He walked off the field and to the bleachers, heaving a sigh and plopping down beside Ness.
I had subbed in for Kunigami, really bad choice if I must say so myself. But it looks like Noa really wanted me to play and show my ego. If I had just said I was sick or unwell, maybe I wouldn’t have let down the team. All of them are amazing players, and I’m just…in the background.
What’s so different between me and them? Am I just not flashy enough? Have I not assisted in goals enough? My offer price keeps going up, but am I really worth all that? I question myself all the time. I have nothing special, those on the bleachers… Hiori, Igarashi, all those reserves, they work harder than me yet are not chosen to be in the playing team.
Noa walks up to me and offers me a hand, “Yoichi, you did well. Do not beat yourself up over it, there are many other chances that you’ll get. This will be the beginning of a new evolution.”
‘Yeah, a new evolution my ass. Like the last few times you’ve said to me as I collapsed to the ground in despair.’
I take his hand and smile, “Yeah, I will improve on my direct shots and metavision. Thank you, Noa.”
He nods back at me, and walks off once I’m back on my feet. I revert back to my dull state and exited the field through the door.
Blue Lock… A place where I thought I could shine the most and improve on my skills… A place where I thought it could free myself from the pain, the trauma…
‘No,’ I tell myself, ‘I’ll just have to do better.’
I strided through the hallways of Blue Lock sluggishly, wanting to just take a boiling hot shower.
“Yo, my stepping stone. The fuck’s wrong with you wannabe hero? Sad over a friendly match? That’s pathetic Yoichi.” Kaiser’s voice exclaims in a cocky tone, running after me while laughing in my face.
I couldn't care less what the hell this bitch wanted from me. I shoved him aside and put my hands in my pockets, “Leave me alone, Kaiser.”
I could see the look of fake shock on his face, and he decided to slap my head, “FIRST OFF, it’s EMPEROR to you. Secondly, why are you acting so strange? Get your game on Yoichi. Nobody’s gonna wait for you to improve. Get in the game, damn it, you selfish bastard.”
Selfish? Did he really just say that?
Fury was filling me up, I walked faster, ignoring Kaiser as he made fun of me. I tried my fucking best, and if they can’t see it… Then it’s really my problem isn’t it? Maybe I’m just slacking. I hate this. I hate this stupid team and this stupid lineup.
I walked into my team’s private bathroom and entered the last stall. I undressed and ran my hand through my hair, scars of the past exposed to the mirror right in front of me. Normally… These scars wouldn’t trigger me, but today was a different story.
They just don’t understand… I tried so hard for the team, and to stay clean… But nobody cares unless weakness is shown, so maybe just today.. I will just…Do this one last time…
The last time I said, 6 months ago in this same stall, at the same time after a match against another team in Blue Lock.. I remember it all. I swore not to do it ever again, even if the pain was addicting, the thrill of getting caught-
I grabbed the small razor from the shelf, hidden in a small container beside my shampoo and body wash and turned on boiling water. It felt like fire, it scalded my skin over and over again and soon red spots would form. I stood rooted to the ground, careful to not drop the shiny razor in hand. That would draw attention.
I held the cold metal against a previously healed scar on my wrist, was there anywhere else that wasn’t littered with self-inflicted wounds?
I traced the blade along my smoothly healed skin, guilt washing over me as I realized what I was about to do. ‘This will ease my pain – my suffering and this will make me improve for the team.’ I convinced myself. I wanted to do this.
I placed the sharp edge of the razor against my skin, and finally, slit. “Fuck-” I whisper shouted, biting my lip to stop the words that would come out of my mouth.
The pain, it was somehow refreshing. The feeling of something nostalgic, and it’s all coming back to me. How addicting it was to see the blood fall, to feel the cold metal up against my skin, so close to making me bleed out on the floor if I went too deep. I loved the way it made me feel – excited and relieved.
As the hot water ran down my cut, I winced in pain, placing my razor on another part of my wrist.
I continued this for another few rounds before I couldn’t take it anymore. Though the thrill of having this fresh feel of becoming a newer person, I had reached my limit as hot water seeped through my raw flesh. Hastily, I switched off the water and cleaned myself up without actually using any form of soap to rinse myself. For me, the razor was all I needed for me to feel cleansed from my suffering once more.
I walked out of the shower once I wrapped bandages around my left wrist and placed a hoodie on.
“Yo, Isagi! You forgot your water bottle so I placed it in front of your locker. You must be tired my bro, get some good rest.” Gagamaru waved at me.
‘Shit, I completely forgot about my belongings.’
“Thanks, Gagamaru!” I grinned at him, all fake, though I appreciated his kindness for me.
With a towel around my neck, I tried to rub the moisture off my hair mostly.
I could feel the stretch of my wounds and it physically pained me as I moved my hand up and down. Letting out a sigh, I entered the locker room and said, “Hey guys, good job on the match though we lost. Let’s train harder, yeah?” I raised my left arm in spirit.
“YEAH!” “GAME ON!” Coming from different areas of the room. However, Kaiser was looking at me strangely.
Kaiser walked up to me and whispered into my ear, “You got injured on your arm? Is this a weakness I’ve found here?” He held my left arm preciously and then squeezed it tight. I quickly pulled away and pushed his aside.
“Fuc-” I whispered, gripping my arm tightly as red was flowing down the palm on my wrist. He looked at my hand, then back up at me.
“Holy shit, Yoichi what the fuck did you do to yourself?”