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Eating lunch, seated between your friends, made you equally happy and nervous. Today especially. Your hip occasionally pressed into Senku’s thin hip bone. The red on your face was easily excusable as Taiju or Yuzuriha made you laugh with a story from class or a shared memory but it still forced your heart to race. Being friends with your crush made life so much more complicated. And there were two people who could understand your plight. You eyed Taiju and Yuzuriha as they chanced loving glances to one another. To you and Senku, they could not have been more obvious. Other students have asked if they were dating, some were just as invested in their love story as you and Senku were. Puppy love burned brightly in people’s hearts. So bright that everyone within a twenty-mile radius could notice except for the love birds. But what if that kind of affection was one-sided?
You finished your lunch, training your eyes to focus on either your food, Yuzuriha or Taiju, even if you were conversing with Senku. If you didn’t look at him at all then you couldn’t stare at him. Then that fluttering feeling could give you a break. You could focus on something else besides the leek-headed, villain eyed, scientist nerd that had such an unknowing power over you. Maybe then you could keep your friends. You could keep things the way that they were. You wouldn’t fantasize about Senku holding your hand while camping. You wouldn’t feel yourself subtly under the blanket he lent you as he slept, just out of reach. You could keep your best friend. Senku jabbed his pointed elbow into your side, shocking you into almost stealing a glance.
“You good?” he said.
“Yeah, why?” you said casually, still avoiding eye contact.
Senku remained silent, not pushing further. He returned to his meal. You could tell from your peripheral vision. What made him ask that? You chewed the inside of your lip, keeping your hands busy by reassembling your lunch box back together in a neat stack. Taiju raised a thick eyebrow at you then glanced at Senku before wolfing down more of his lunch. Yuzuriha cleared her throat and began a story about an incident in one of her classes. Could they tell? You never told either one of them. Were you being as overt as them without realizing it? Was this just a sisyphean task? Your stomach twisted into a sour knot. You had to talk to one of them about this.
While you wanted to approach Yuzuriha, you couldn’t. The bell had rung and her next class was far from yours. Although, you would be walking with Taiju. He was a reliable friend but he and Senku were close. Closer than you were to him. Would he tell Senku? Taiju was loyal and would never spill a secret if you asked, but what if he handled matters of the heart for his friends differently than how he handled his own? You couldn’t be sure. But who else would you talk to? So, once Senku and Yuzuriha had gone on for their respective classes, you had made your decision. You were going to explode if you couldn’t talk about it for one more second.
“Taiju,” you said next to your larger classmate, “can I talk to you about something?”
“Yeah, of course,” Taiju said, looking down at you. “Is everything ok?”
“It’s about Senku. I kinda—” your courage caved quickly “—I have to tell him something that’s a lil… weighty.”
“Did you break something of his? Just tell him. He won’t be too mad. Trust me, I’ve accidentally broken more of his science projects than I can count. He’ll appreciate it more if you tell him sooner rather than later.”
“No, that’s not it. It’s more like—”
“Is it that you like him?”
“No!”
Your snap halted both of you. Taiju blinked at you with wide eyes. Red flooded your cheeks as you gaped for something to say. He didn’t seem to understand your reaction, not jumping at the moment to verify your feelings. He was in genuine confusion. You took his obliviousness as a grace from god.
“Jeez, I was just asking,” Taiju said. “It wouldn’t be the end of the world if you liked him.”
“I know,” you said, debating on telling the truth. Words tumbled out of your mouth before you could stop them. “I just… it feels weird, you know?”
“To not like him?”
You swallowed thickly. There was no point in hiding this. While he unknowingly caught you red-handed, you also craved the release of this wriggling feeling that broiled in your chest. Right against your heart. You began your confession with a deep breath. “No it’s… I do.”
“So you don’t like him.”
“No, I do like Senku,” you said. “I’m just embarrassed. He’s one of my best friends. What if I make him feel weird and he won’t want to hang out anymore? I dunno. I don’t wanna risk losing him.”
Taiju stopped just before the classroom and wrapped you up in a hug. His muscular arms gave you a soft squeeze, just enough to comfort you right down to the soul. Relief crashed over you. You hugged him back and took a deep breath with him.
“Don’t psych yourself out,” he said, pulling away to look at your face. “I’m actually in the same boat if you can believe it. I’m gonna finally tell Yuzuriha how I feel after school today.”
“Woah,” you said numbly. You didn’t think he’d ever manage the courage to ever tell her.
“Yeah, you should tell Senku before school lets out! Then we can all meet up and eat to celebrate.”
“But what if Senku doesn’t like me back?” you said.
“Uh…” Taiju paused, tapping his chin to help in his thought process. “Well, if I know Senku, I know he cares about you a lot. He loves hanging out with you. And nothing can change that. You two are super close! Who knows? He might like you. Never know until you ask.”
You laughed, smiling up at him. “Thanks, Taiju. I’ll keep that in mind. What about you? Are you nervous?”
“Of course I am!” Taiju said loudly as the two of you settled into your seats. “My heart’s going crazy just thinking about it! But I gotta. Or else I might explode.”
“I’m sure she likes you back.”
The two of you mellowed into a less revealing conversation about class and split at the end of it. Taiju gave you a hearty slap on the back for good luck, knowing your next class was with Senku. You reluctantly smiled back at him as he wished you luck before heading off. You wished him luck back and watched his confident strides falter into stumbles. The two of you were on this journey together. It was comforting.
When you turned into the classroom, the second you raised your eyes from the floor, you found Senku’s red eyes. Almost instantly. He looked bored, pausing the finger in his ear when your eyes met. A thick ball of nerves manifested in your throat and threatened to choke you. You forced yourself to wave at him. Senku’s blank expression continued to plague his face for an agonizing moment. A moment long enough to plague you with worry. Had you upset him at lunch when you refused to look at him? But the moment ended. He smiled, pulling his pinky out of his ear, giving you an acknowledging head nod. Your nausea dissipated as he blew over his little finger with his eyes closed.
“Finally looking at me again, huh?” Senku said as you neared your seat in front of him.
So he did notice. Your cheeks flooded with color. “What’re you talking about?” you said as you laid out your notebook and pencil with extra precision and care.
“What? Something wrong with my face?”
You fiddled with your eraser as your stomach lurched. You couldn’t hide this from him for long. He would find out one way or another. You braced yourself and looked back at Senku, ready to begin, but his face stopped you. It wasn’t smug, indifferent or neutral. It was like that of a cartoon-ish monkey. He extended his jaw out until his teeth covered his upper lip. He flared his nostrils and widened eyes to complete the goofy look. Your anxiety was swallowed whole by laughter. Your reaction seemed to satisfy him as he reordered his face back to its handsome state of neutral smugness.
“Seriously though.” Senku said your name in a concerned manner. “You ok?”
The rush from your giggles fueled you to take the first step. “Yeah,” you began, “I just…” Then you lost yourself. You swam in his eyes, suddenly losing every nerve. You needed more time. “I’ll tell you after class.”
Senku nodded and reached down to grab his notebook from his bag. You turned to the front, your knee bouncing as sweat collected at the base of your neck. Now you had an hour. Class slowed time, filling you with anxious thoughts and butterflies that swarmed in your gut and threatened to burst from your mouth. You could barely pay attention, flicking your eyes to the clock constantly, switching between prayers to keep the class going or to force the class to cease.
The bell rang.
Everyone around you clambered about, gathering their things and rejoining friends. They talked lightly about class, homework, and things they wanted to do after school. Your heart pounded in panic. Your senses heightened, allowing you to hear everyone’s rambles bellow in your ears while the ongoing bangs in your chest continued. This was it. You turned your head, feeling the world slow as Senku slid his things into his bag. His ruby eyes glistened as they flicked up to you. You struggled to breathe. He raised an elegant eyebrow, apparently aware of your petrification. You swallowed thickly and flashed him a smile.
“Sorry,” you said, quickly grounding yourself. “Lost in thought.”
Senku hummed and tossed his bag over his shoulder, standing up. “See you after school then.”
“Wait!” You scrambled up alongside him. “I need to tell you something.”
“Oh, what’s up?”
He waited patiently, sunk into one hip, head tilted to the side with a friendly smile on his lips. You tried to hide the shiver that ran down your neck, all the way down your back. He had no idea. No inkling of what you wanted to tell him. No clue about how much you wanted to toss yourself into his arms and ask him to be yours and for you to be his. Your eyes flicked to his lips, anxious with butterflies mingling in your stomach and flying up to your ribs. Senku still waited for you.
You wanted to say it. You wanted to.
“Me and Taiju were talking about the four of us hanging out after school,” you said. “Are you in?”
“Yeah, definitely,” Senku said.
You nodded and rushed off to your last class. “I’ll see you then.”
Your day slowed. Failure crept over you like a frigid breeze in a blizzard. You slumped to your next class, listening ambiently. You took notes lazily, missing a few bits from the lecture as your head drifted off into what might have been. At least you would have known. You bit your lip as you mentally punished yourself for being so afraid. At the same time, you didn’t believe that you could say it aloud to him. Maybe you just needed time. You thought about texting the others that you weren’t feeling well as class let out. You began a text but stopped just outside the school before hitting send.
As much as you wanted to separate yourself, you couldn’t. You wanted to be there for Taiju after his own attempt to proclaim his love for Yuzuriha. He deserved the support. You erased the message and closed your phone, closing your eyes briefly, mentally preparing to see Senku and the two love birds. Senku still didn’t know.
A green light flickered over the horizon, you could see it even with your eyes shut. You sprung open your eyes and whipped your head around. Panic surged through you. Was that a nuclear bomb? A space ship? Something plummeting to earth? Before you could even move, your body had gone rigid as the green light glazed over you. You were frozen in place, looking out to the horizon. You couldn’t breathe, but it seemed that you didn’t need to. You tried to scream, but your body had stopped. You wanted to look around, finding your eyes were locked in place.
You were petrified. And you never told Senku before your end.