Work Text:
LIVEBLOG: BATTLE CHEFS SEASON 11 EPISODE 50: LIVE FINAL
by Sisi
Hello everyone! I'm sure you're all wondering why Qin Su isn't doing this. Don't worry, she's fine - better than fine, assuming she isn't right this second in the middle of a panic attack, she's not doing the liveblog because she's attending the Live Final. I'm not quite sure how it happened, she was hyperventilating too much to tell me.
Title sequence: Nie Mingjue, Lan Sizhui, and Xiao Qing are facing off like Mario Kart characters. Only not quite Mario Kartly enough to get sued.
After the most gruelling PvE campaign in the history of Battle Chefs, we're down to the biggest, the best, and the deadliest. (I know Qin Su tries not to pick favourites, but I'm not going to lie, I adore Sizhui. What an absolute sweetheart. And Xiao Qing mildly terrifies me.)
(Having said that, Nie Mingjue, feel free to try and convince me I'm wrong about 'best'. In bed. By means of an exemplary performance in this final, obviously.)
~
All our favourite contestants are back!
And also Jin Zixuan!
This time everyone is arriving with their families, who get their own to-camera interviews.
Lan Jingyi arrives with his parents and also a man who looks like Lan Zhan?
Did we know Lan Zhan and Lan Jingyi are cousins?
Lan Huan is very proud of Jingyi and approves very much of Lan Zhan's relationship with Wei Ying.
Luo Qingyang arrives with her mother, her daughter, and moderately adorkable husband, who is delightfully proud of her.
Xiao Qing arrives with her three gorgeous dads, and they are an obnoxiously cute family. Did everyone catch what she calls them? Big Dad is obvious, that man is Nie Mingjue-sized, but let's all appreciate the producers for asking about the other names.
Xiao Qing: "Dad Dad is because he was my dad first. Bad Dad is because he's the worst."
Bad Dad: "I'm her favourite, actually."
Big Dad: "He bought her love. With sugar."
Dad Dad: "She loves us all equally, and we love her more than anything. We're so proud of her."
I have a feeling that household is never dull.
Xiao Qing has always been described as a "student" in the little bios for the contestants. For some reason we are only now learning that she has nearly completed a Ph.D. in physics because she decided she wanted to follow up the research in optical physics that Dad Dad had to abandon when he lost his sight.
What do her dads think about the idea of her walking away from physics to become a chef, if that's what she decides?
Bad Dad: "Anyone who has a problem with a-Qing's choices can bring them to me."
He smiles, but that smile rivals Wei Ying for levels of menacing gremlin.
Dad Dad: "We will always support her doing whatever she finds meaningful and fulfilling."
Big Dad: *nods firmly*
Imagine being Xiao Qing's teacher and having to do a parent-teacher conference with these three. Bad Dad has huge "my perfect angel would never" energy.
No, not quite that.
More, "Yes, she did do that, and I helped, and what are you going to do about it?" energy.
Big Dad has "my perfect angel would never" energy.
Sorry, I realise that the show has moved on and Jin Zixuan is arriving with I don't know some people who cares I'm obsessed with Xiao Qing's dads now.
I bet her teachers begged Dad Dad to come alone and then realised they'd made a mistake because sure he seems receptive? Totally? But somehow by the end of the conversation the teacher is just apologising for their missteps that led to this unfortunate situation in which Xiao Qing absolutely set the classroom on fire.
Only two kinds of people do Ph.D.s in physics. Boring nerds and kids who set the classroom on fire using only some string and a piece of chewing gum. I bet Xiao Qing didn't even need the string.
...
I saw that comment, SuMinstan. "sisi thirsts worse than Qin Su, what is this junior high fanfic was she a teecher"
1) "teacher" 2) I am judging the fuck out of you for your username and choosing to believe you *are* Su She because no fucking way does that bitch have stans 3) yes, but senior high tyvm.
So anyway, everybody's here and they're getting started. Round one is Original Dishes, as usual, and it's time for Our Heroes to throw down!
I wonder what they're going to do with Taste and Deliver when three people made the final?
Qin Su is so much better at this than I am. Also she isn't doing things that are live so she can, like, pause, probably? So Nie Mingjue is making some kind of zongzi, Lan Sizhui is doing some kind of baozi, and I'm sure whatever Xiao Qing is doing will be a delightful surprise.
I mean, she did say what she was making, but I was distracted by her dads behind her and also the revelation from the comments:
[link][link]
TWO OF HER DADS ARE YOUTUBERS.
Dad Dad is Xiao Xingchen, who does videos where he Explains Science and doesn't seem to realise that at least half of his subscribers are there for reasons of thirst. Big Dad is Song Lan, who does videos where he teaches people home repairs and woodworking and also demonstrates martial arts and also doesn't seem to realise that at least half of his subscribers are there for reasons of thirst.
And meanwhile?
NSFW alert: [link]
That's Bad Dad's OnlyFans. He is in no way unaware that people are there for the thirst, apparently. I haven't checked it out myself (yet, let's be honest) but (ALLEGEDLY) he also does martial arts demonstrations, he just does them (ALLEGEDLY) in a thong while wearing body glitter.
Also cooking, apparently? Which just seems dangerous. He goes by "Chengmei".
I think we all just need to accept that for anyone who relies on these recaps to know what actually happened in an episode their only hope is that Qin Su does one after all when she gets back from her trip to see the taping.
That's her on screen now, standing between Jiang Yanli and Wen Qing. Hi, Qin Su! I am making a mockery of your recap integrity, let's simply acknowledge that and move on.
Should I be updating people on the progress of the competition? Absolutely! We're in cooking time now so we're having interviews with family members again. It's a bit odd, though. I'm sure the cameras were approaching Lan Huan, and so was Meng Yao, but apparently we're not having them talk about Lan Huan's darling nephew or the competition, we're cutting to Jiang Yanli and Wen Qing while Qin Su visibly backs away out of shot very hastily.
And Jiang Yanli is behaving as if someone held up a cue card that just said VAMP, because she's being very generic about the competition and the dishes being prepared.
At least now I know Xiao Qing is making huntun with soup.
Hey, we're talking to Jin Zixuan's mother! She seems... slightly intimidating. Apparently his father couldn't make it for some reason.
"Some reason." I have Qin Su's permission to mention that it turns out that Jin Zixuan is also her and Meng Yao's half-brother, which was news to all three of them. There has been Drama.
So far [this] is my favourite Big Dad video. Those muscles.
Cooking is still happening. Wei Ying is talking to Lan Sizhui, who visibly still wants Wei Ying to be his dad.
Dish presentation time, and: Nie Mingjue takes out round one!
Round two: Recipe Challenge! Today's guest recipe is oh my heart the guest chef is Wen Ning.
I never wanted children. I sincerely hope my uterus is poison. I still want to wrap him in blankets and feed him cookies. Is this some kind of superpower?
ANYWAY, he is smiling sweetly (M Y H E A R T) and explaining his Very Special Recipe He Chose For Them, which is a baked cheesecake he's very proud of did he just lay out thirty-eight ingredients?
Did Nie Mingjue just get choked up when he tasted the sample?
He did.
So did Lan Sizhui.
Only Xiao Qing has resisted the overwhelming power of Wen Ning's Special Cheesecake, apparently.
(What does he call the dish, Dad Dad asks. "Um. Special Cheesecake," Wen Ning replies. I am offended at how precious he is. "That's wonderful," Dad Dad says, sounding like he means it. "Thank you for telling me." Is this guy for real?)
Cheesecakes are under way. Wen Qing is talking about Wen Ning's cheesecake, because obviously Wen Ning was never going to do his own to-camera. In the background, Wei Ying is visible talking to Bad Dad. This seems like it could end in someone experiencing Regret, that's an awful lot of chaos energy in one place.
So while the cheesecakes are under way we're getting a Tutorial. But this is new: the tutorial is from Lan Zhan. He's showing us how to make the mille feuille he did right back at the beginning of the series.
If I could make Qin Su's gif thing work I'd put one up of him raking the lotus designs into the icing, but I can't, so just go back to the previous recap where she did it because it's precisely the same, which seems impressive to me. Don't know if it should but it does.
I'd like to request that the comment section take their fanfic about Xiao Qing's dads to AO3, I'm not sure we're allowed to host that kind of material to be honest.
(Send me the links though.)
ANYWAY. Lan Zhan perfectly timed his mille feuille tutorial to end just as the cheesecakes were ready for presentation because of course he did, I'm sure he'd have been very distressed if he'd been two seconds over time but he wasn't, and the winner of the Special Cheesecake round is... Xiao Qing!
And in a way, all of us, because the camera cuts to her dads cheering for her victory, and that is just really a lot of man candy on screen.
ROUND THREE! TASTE AND DELIVER!
Apparently we're doing a rotation thing. Lan Sizhui is tasting/replicating Nie Mingjue's dish, Nie Mingjue is attempting Xiao Qing's, and Xiao Qing is taking on Sizhui's.
They're off, and we're going to another tutorial. This one is from Wen Qing, and I am sad that the camera has been largely avoiding Qin Su and still is, because I would enjoy seeing her expression as Wen Qing demonstrates different kinds of knife technique.
... and then Jiang Yanli shows us alternate methods of achieving similar effects.
I'm just going to take a second now to appreciate the educational opportunity on offer. Talk amongst yourselves.
... Wait.
When we cut to the kitchen progress shot.
In the background there - were Wei Ying and Bad Dad throwing knives?
It was only like half a second CUT BACK DAMN YOU.
Anyway, we've moved on to Jiang Cheng showing us how to sear meat properly.
Well, Jiang Cheng knows his searing heat, I'm sure.
No doubt Qin Su would be giving you more detail, but I have some highly important research to do. I can in fact confirm that Bad Dad's videos feature a lot of body glitter and not a lot of clothes.
Dude has to be at least forty, how does he still look that good?
The dishes are ready, and time for the judging!
The winner of round three is...
... Lan Sizhui!
A three-way tie. Are they fucking with us?
The judges are conferring. The three contestants are hugging each other, and then their families. Wei Ying, who was in the room the whole time so wasn't actually doing judging because he could see whose dish was whose, is tasting things. He is joining the judging discussion. Now Wen Ning is tasting things.
The contestants are hugging the eliminated contestants now. No-one at all is talking to Meng Yao. I'm sure Qin Su is enjoying that.
The judges are still conferring.
Meng Yao is doing a to-camera, possibly to look less like a friendless loser, in which he is announcing that he has enjoyed his time with Battle Chefs but will be moving on, and once again the position of Boss Battle Chef will be offered to the winner.
The judges are going back to the round one dishes (cold by now, surely?) and the cheesecake. Emphatic gesturing is happening.
Big Dad is dragging Bad Dad away from trying to eavesdrop.
JUST PICK ONE ALREADY.
Oh. Maybe they have.
And the winner of this season is...
... Lan Sizhui! By the narrowest of margins! The judges would like to emphasise how wonderful all three of them were.
Lan Sizhui is crying. Xiao Qing and Nie Mingjue seem sincerely happy for him.
While everyone is taking turns hugging Lan Sizhui, Xiao Qing and Nie Mingjue have a joint to-camera. They're both thrilled for him. They know Lan Sizhui truly loves cooking and has worked very hard and will make a great Boss Battle Chef, whereas neither of them would be available for that position anyway even if they'd won, which they didn't, because the better cook won. They're very proud of what they accomplished anyway. Nie Mingjue is choking up again. He's just so proud of that wonderful young man.
They get pulled away to be congratulated by the judges. Everyone is congratulating Lan Sizhui. Most of the room is crying.
Too many feelings for me. Qin Su can recap all the emotions when she gets back. I hope everyone had a great time with the Finale of Battle Chefs!
I have videos to watch.
---
four months later
season 11 group chat
xiaoqing
so I just figured out what you've all been trying not to tell me
oyzz
oh no
xiaoqing
I'm really not that bothered that people are writing fanfic about my dads
mianmian
That's good! Great! Wonderful!
I would strongly recommend you don't read it.
xiaoqing
eh I had a look at some summaries
JINGYI
they dont know your family you should ignore them they all think your baddad is a brat and your other dads keep him in line it's so disrespectful
xiaoqing
no that's totally accurate
I just don't want to know if it's also a sex thing and don't want to read porn about my dads because OBVIOUSLY
anyway the writers will get what they deserve
Jin Zixuan
How so?
xiaoqing
bad dad found out about it
Title: The Blind Leading the Blind
Author: syncopatic
Rating: E
Summary: Song Lan and Chengmei try out blindfolds.
[Comments]
Chengmei
the title is kind of offensive tbh but not as much as the content. the sex was pedestrian. we fuck way hotter.
Title: Turnabout Is Fair Play
Author: lastsandwich
Rating: E
Summary: In service of my Top!Chengmei agenda.
[Comments]
Chengmei
how dare you I have never topped in my life you take every word of this back
Title: i'll hold you up (and drive you all night)
Author: jenniferpickleswyatt
Rating: E
Summary: 15k of pure filth. I have no excuse.
[Comments]
Chengmei
no excuses needed that was hot but song lan is mad that you suggested we own ikea furniture. he handcrafts this shit and our bed is unbreakable, trust me on that
Title: Please, Please, Please
Author: sixfootbraids
Rating: E
Summary: Superstar musician Xiao Xingchen must adjust to life after the terrible accident that took his sight. His husband Song Lan is ready to be there for him, but is this new guy Chengmei a threat to their marriage?
[Comments]
Xiao Xingchen
You must have put a lot of work into this! It's excellent! If you don't mind, you did say you welcomed constructive criticism, and I have a few notes. I've put them on my blog [here] in case you're not inclined to read them from one of your subjects, so to speak. All the best!
sixfootbraids
uh
thank you
I'm not sure about your comments on pacing, I think that text-to-speech readers aren't ideal
Xiao Xingchen
Oh, I don't use those for reading these wonderful creative works. My dear husband reads them to me. He's a wonderful actor. And our a-Yang often voices his own parts, too!
sixfootbraids
oh. well. um. thanks.