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It was very considerate, really, for Sirius to blow everything up just a few days before his birthday. While the actual celebration was, by necessity, meant to be at the Potters’, all of the liquor had been stored in Remus & Sirius’s flat. Which meant that Remus had more than enough alcohol to drink himself to death without ever having to leave.
It didn’t make sense, but Sirius had sworn blind he was the secret keeper and then Peter had faced him - and, Merlin, that didn’t make any ruddy sense.
All of his friends were either murdered or in Azkaban and nothing made any god-fucking-damned sense but Remus had enough alcohol to pickle an adult Erumpent and he was damn well going to enjoy this suicide.
He slugged down another bottle of vodka, toasting to the afterlife.
—
The next thing Remus was aware of, was a disturbing lack of a hangover. Perhaps he had died after all, and the afterlife was something of a let down. He shifted slightly, feeling the familiar feel of his cotton sheets against his skin, the satin pillowcases Sirius had insisted they get so his hair wouldn’t get ruined, the weight of his duvet. He rolled over, roughly hitting a body and causing Sirius to grunt in annoyance.
The events of the last 48 hours filled his head and he scrambled up, staring at Sirius in disbelief and then rushing over to the cupboard where they’d kept the liquor. It was untouched. No one had gone on an insane, suicidal bender.
He ran a hand through his hair and clicked on the television. The cheerful, blond muggle with a lovely welsh accent was there.
“...Tonight is the perfect weather for trick or treaters!”
Remus sat down on the couch. It was Halloween. October 31, 1981. It had been a dream. He had half a mind to floo Lily and James just to confirm, but they didn’t need the stress of his nightmare.
“Oh, thank god, thank fucking god,” he groaned, cradling his head in his hands as shuddering sobs rolled through him.
Everything made sense again. They were still fighting, and it wasn’t looking good, but they were alive. Lily and James and Peter. Harry was snug at home with his parents, where he belonged. Sirius hadn’t betrayed anyone, he wasn’t in Azkaban. Everything was okay.
Well - except for the whole war.
“You alright there, Moonshine?” Sirius asked, shuffling into their living area and giving him a strange look.
"Yeah - yeah, bad dream," he said, wiping his face, "You are their secret keeper, right?"
"'Course," he replied, crossing his arms.
Remus leaned back against the couch, "Okay. Good. You'd never betray them. They're safe."
Sirius shifted uneasily, pressing his lips together in a thin line.
"I'd like to spend the day with them, I've just got such an uneasy feeling about tonight," Remus said, running a hand through his hair and trying to shake the memories. Normally his dreams faded, but these stayed clear as day. He'd never cared for divination before, surely it couldn't have been prophetic.
"I don't think you should go," Sirius said a bit too quickly, a bit too harshly, "Because, er, just how spooked you are. They don't need that."
"Oh, yeah, okay."
"I will, though, good excuse to see my godson," he added with a smile that didn't reach his eyes.
—
All three of them died that evening. Peter was nowhere to be found and Remus couldn't get in touch with Dumbledore to ask after Harry. Part of him wanted to hold this as proof that Sirius wasn't the traitor - but the Dark Lord wasn't known to spare people.
It didn't make sense. It couldn't be Sirius.
He managed not to drink this time, instead taking a dreamless sleep potion and praying it would all go away again.
—
“...Tonight is the perfect weather for trick or treaters!”
Right. Third time's the charm. Tonight he would go, see exactly what happened, find a way to stop it, hope to see November 2.
He left before Sirius woke up, heading to the magical library in London and delving into the books on time travel and time loops. This was the jurisdiction of the Department of Mysteries and little was publicly available.
He had a rough idea of what time it happened, around 8pm or so. At 7:30 he went to Godric's Hollow, knocking on the door with shaking hands.
"Moony?" James asked when he opened the door, he frowned, "You look terrible, mate."
He nodded, "I - sorry, I just… have the worst feeling that you're going to be attacked tonight…"
James stiffened and immediately stepped aside, hurrying Remus in and looking down the road warily. Remus explained the situation, that twice now he'd received the news that Lily and James had been killed on Halloween only to wake up that morning.
"That's… okay, that… fuck," James ran a hand through his hair, disheveling it even more, "It's just a dream. I'm sure of it. You can stay overnight, and tomorrow morning we can all laugh about this."
"Sounds great," he said weakly.
They kept their wands at the ready, trying to keep their spirits up so Harry could enjoy his second Halloween.
The door flew open with a bang. James shouted for Lily to take Harry and go. Remus saw him, looked in his eyes for the first time in his life. A flash of green light, cruel laughter.
—
He was in his bed again. This time Sirius was awake, shaking him and shouting his name. He opened his eyes, realizing he'd been screaming, his throat aching.
"You Know Who - he was there - Godric's Hollow…" Remus gasped, his body trembling, his hand gripped the shirt over his chest where the curse had struck.
"It was just a dream," Sirius said, visibly shaken, "Just a dream, it's over now…"
"No!" he shouted, "It wasn't, this was the third time-" he grabbed his hair in his fists, "Fuck, fuck, how? How could he be there? Is there some way around the Fidelius we don't know about?"
"What are you talking about?" Sirius asked, eyes narrowing.
"You'd never betray them," Remus said, mostly to himself, "You wouldn't. It's… it's a mistake… something went wrong with the charm… we can fix it… we can save them…"
"It was just a dream. They don't need saving," Sirius repeated, gritting his teeth.
"They're going to die tonight, if we don't do something they're going to die!" Remus snarled.
"What the hell did you do?" Sirius hissed, "What the fuck did you do?"
Something about his tone finally clicks, puzzle pieces falling into place.
"You… you don't trust me," Remus said blankly, feeling like an etch a sketch that had been shaken roughly. Wiped blank.
Of course most of the Order suspected him, he knew that was going to happen.
Sirius, though.
His boyfriend didn't even have the decency to flinch, his face twisting into a cruelty that he pretended he didn't have - looking far more Black than he would ever admit to.
"Oh." Remus said quietly, because that did make sense.
—
They died. Again. With Sirius. Again.
Remus woke up and stared at the ceiling, wondering when his boyfriend had stopped trusting him.
Had Sirius turned traitor, then?
Was that when it broke?
Had the Black Family Madness been more than he could outrun?
James still seemed to trust Remus. Lily as well. That meant a lot.
He needed to know. Who was the secret keeper? Had Sirius betrayed him?
Once again he headed to the library before Sirius awoke, this time to read up on Legilimency. He tapped his fingers as he did, trying to think if there was anyone he could convince to teach him.
—
It was hard to keep track of time. Reliving the same two days was disorienting, perhaps moreso than if it had just been one. It had been months, though, the longest stretch in his life without a transformation since he was 4 years old.
He had spent the time developing his abilities as a legilimens, practicing first on muggles and then on wixen. He didn't dare practice on his friends, not at first, he wanted to be confident he could get it right the first try.
Months of practicing for hour after hour every day.
Finally he was ready. He didn't need to cast the spell verbally anymore. With eye contact he could push in, similar to the way Dumbledore did.
Once again he went to Godric's Hollow. This time he was able to stay calm and amiable, he waited until they were having coffee and then held James’s gaze and pushed in.
They had changed the secret keeper. Peter was the traitor. He stayed for the evening, he didn't feel like dealing with November 1. Right on time, the Dark Lord showed up.
The next morning, he didn't scream when he woke.
—
"Peter's the traitor."
Sirius scowled at him, snarled some insult. A different one each time, which was funny. If only he could keep a record to try and find some rhyme or reason. After the tenth time, he stopped trying to convince Sirius.
—
"Peter's the traitor."
As it turned out, James considered it the height of dishonor to distrust his friends.
After the first time, he stopped trying to convince James.
—
"Peter's the traitor."
Lily’s face crumpled and she held her baby close to her. It didn't make any difference.
He stopped trying to convince people.
—
A few times, he managed to stop it. Managed to coax Lily and James and Harry out of the house. Made it to 11:59pm on November 1 with his friends alive.
Then he woke up on October 31 at 7am.
Those were the worst.
—
He memorized the weather forecast. It was something to do. The Welsh lilt was soothing, reminded him of mam.
—
He couldn't find Peter. He wasn't sure how much effort to put into trying. It was unsettling how much the man had disappeared. None of his friends would help him, of course. Sirius managed to disappear every evening as well, only to get arrested.
—
"When did you stop trusting me?"
He was never able to get Sirius to answer this question. No matter what he did, he couldn't get his boyfriend to break and admit that either he wasn't the secret keeper or that he didn't trust Remus.
—
"If you weren't the secret keeper, and the real secret keeper sold out Lily and James to You Know Who and they died - do you think you'd kill the secret keeper?"
"What the fuck are you talking about?"
"Hypothetically."
"I don't… I don't think I could bring myself to kill someone I cared about that much, even if they had betrayed us."
"You're sure?"
"Yeah, Moonbeam, yeah I'm sure."
—
At one point, he managed to break into the Department of Mysteries and track down the Unspeakables who studied time. They were fascinated by his story. They began casting diagnostic spells and Remus woke up at 7am on October 31.
This happened five more times before he gave up.
—
He was figuring out the rules of the loop.
He remembered new knowledge. About as well as he did anything else he learned - so he would forget things in time. But he didn't have to start the research over.
He kept muscle memory. Could perfect spells, learn an instrument.
Physical changes didn't stay. He could shave his head and it'd be back. He could slice himself up, burn himself, and it would be gone. Curse marks, muggle wounds, tattoos, it didn't matter.
He couldn't find anyone else with any memory of it. No matter what he did to people, it would be erased.
The loop restarted at 11:59pm November 1. If he was awake at that time, he'd suddenly find himself waking up on October 31 at 7am. If he went to sleep early, he could wake up before midnight and it would still be November1.
If he died, he would wake up October 31 at 7am. If he fucked up a day, he could just kill himself to get it over with.
That probably shouldn't have been something he became blase about, but, well, it had probably been a year's worth of Halloweens by this point.
—
If he never saw another fake, plastic skeleton again it would be too soon.
—
He spent a while hunting and fighting different Death Eaters. He could never find Voldemort himself, he could never beat Bellatrix Lestrange.
He managed not to kill anyone but himself. That felt like a slippery slope he wasn't willing to go down.
—
Eventually he mastered the spell to create an illegal portkey and spent time traveling. Any money he spent went back into his account when the loop reset. Or he could steal it and not feel terribly guilty because it would just revert back.
He traveled the globe, spending two days a piece at different locations. He could almost forget about the time loop while he did this.
It had been years since he'd gone through a full moon.
—
He missed his friends.
He brought pumpkins to Godric's Hollow for carving a few times. Made pie with James. Danced with Lily.
Then he spent a few weeks saving them to no avail, a few more weeks studying time anomalies.
—
He stole a time turner from the Department of Mysteries. It was incredibly redundant. He didn't bother trying that again.
—
"Aren't you getting out of bed, Moons?"
"No. Today is not happening. If I don't get up I don't have to deal with it."
—
"Stay with me today, Padfoot? We haven't in such a long time… Just one day."
"There's a war on. We can't just ignore our responsibilities! People are dying!"
"I know - but - one day. Just today."
"I can't fucking believe you'd even ask. What the hell is wrong with you?"
—
"If a person had an affair, then went back in time to before the affair happened - is it still cheating?"
"Are you high, Moony?"
—
Getting high did not help anything.
He did not seem able to get addicted in the time loop.
It got boring faster than he'd hoped.
—
He read through a massive chunk of the library. Learned French, which only made Sirius more suspicious of him.
—
He couldn't get Sirius a fair trial. This took dozens of tries, countless hours mastering magical law, pulling every string at his disposal. He couldn't see Sirius, either, apparently the security on arrested Death Eaters was better than the security on the Department of Mysteries.
Eventually he figured out where the show down happened and watched it a few times.
He tried stunning Pettigrew, but never seemed able to manage it. He tried to figure out where Peter was beforehand, but came up empty. Fucking rat.
—
He was outside the Potters' home this time, hidden from view, waiting. He watched as Voldemort went in, listened as Lily and James were killed.
Then he considered what would happen if somehow he managed to break the time loop like this. No one would believe what he'd been through and if anyone found out he had stood by and let them be killed -
He apparated himself to the middle of the ocean. It had been ages since he'd drowned.
—
Did he even want the time loop to end? It had been going on so long. There was a freedom to it. Was he being selfish? Did it matter?
—
He managed to figure out that Hagrid took Harry after Lily and James were killed. He managed to put a tracking spell on him.
That's how he found out Harry was being taken to Lily’s muggle sister and left on the doorstep.
Whenever he approached their home, he would wake up at 7am October 31.
Every single day of the time loop - Harry James Potter had been left on a doorstep to be discovered by muggles who hated his parents.
It took a few repeats to overcome the guilt and start making a plan.
—
"I know… I know this sounds crazy, I need your help, Padfoot, please."
"No, fuck off, I don't care what the hell you're trying but I'm not falling for it."
—
He put a tracking spell on Sirius’s motorcycle. He found out Hagrid was using it to bring Harry to the Dursleys. Figured out exactly when this happened.
He went to confront Sirius before he ran off in search of Peter.
Sirius saw him there, accused him of helping the rat, and hexed him unconscious.
He woke up next to Sirius and shoved him off the bed. He gave up on that day by 8am, jumped into a volcano just to say he did.
—
"Peter's the traitor."
Sirius didn't believe him, he knew he wouldn't.
He waited, then met up with Sirius right after he handed Harry off to Hagrid.
"You knew! You knew and you let this fucking happen!" Sirius bellowed at him.
"You have no idea how hard I tried to get through to you!" Remus shouted back.
"They're dead! They're dead and you could have stopped it!"
"I did! Dozens of times! It didn't make a fucking difference! You don't fucking trust me so you let them die and get yourself thrown into fucking Azkaban!" Tears were streaming down his face and maybe he should have been embarrassed but he'd stopped caring at some point.
Sirius obviously thought he had gone insane. He stormed off, confronting Peter again.
—
He tried it again. Warning Sirius that Peter was the traitor earlier in the day, meeting him at Godric's Hollow in the evening.
"You knew! You knew and you let this fucking happen!" Sirius bellowed at him.
"You have no idea how hard I tried to get through to you!" Remus shouted back.
"They're dead! They're dead and you could have stopped it!"
This time he didn't get angry, and was struck with the realization that he couldn't have stopped it. He'd tried so many times over the time loop. Fuck, one time he managed to convince Lily and James to flee to Australia. One day of watching James shouting gleefully over real, live, wild kangaroos only to wake up in his London flat all over again.
"I tried, Sirius, we both did everything we could and it wasn't enough," he said gently. He took out his wand just to make a show of dropping it on the floor, sick of fighting. Sirius watched him with wide, wild eyes.
"We gotta get Harry, Padfoot," he said, walking over and hugging him, "Harry needs you, Sirius."
Sirius broke, letting out an inhuman wail that made the hairs on Remus’s arms and neck stand on hand. He shuddered in the cold, autumn air, holding him, rocking him.
"Fucking bollocksing twatting fuck," Sirius screamed then collapsed in on himself, yanking at his hair frantically, "I don't know where he is - I gave Hagrid my bike - fuck, Moony, Harry! James is dead and I swore and I just - I just fucking handed him over because Hagrid asked me to."
"Sirius, listen to me," Remus said firmly, slapping his hands on either side of the man's face, "I know where he is."
"You do?" Sirius asked weakly, "How-?"
"I put a tracking spell on your bike," he admitted. Not this time, but he didn't need to say that. "I had a bad feeling - I'm glad I did it."
Raucous, chaotic, mad barks of laughter echoed through the street.
Remus apparated them both to Privet Drive and Sirius scowled. Remus took a deep, shaky breath and squeezed Sirius’s hand. Every time he had tried to get close to the house, the time loop had restarted.
Even if… even if Sirius succeeded… he had to get through November 1st before he'd know if this was it, this was what they'd been waiting for.
"Go to Number 4," Remus said softly.
Sirius did, frowning as Remus let go of his hand. He walked unsteadily, his body shaking from the shock and grief.
Remus watched as he turned to number 4 and saw it.
The basket, containing his godson, left on the doorstep in the chilly Autumn air.
He lunged forward, grabbing the boy up and holding him close, peppering kisses on his face. He turned around and stalked towards Remus, who didn't dare take a step closer. If this worked, he would never be able to visit this street again for fear of setting the time loop back in motion.
"Look at this," Sirius snarled, his hand shaking as he held out the note that had been sitting on the baby, "A letter! Albus fucking Dumbledore left my godson sitting on a fucking doorstep with a letter!"
Remus took the letter with shaking hands but didn't open it. "Is he okay?"
"He's got a fucking curse scar and has been left in the freezing air against every wish Lily and James had ever had! No he's not fucking okay!" Sirius’s voice started as an angry snarl then devolved into a broken sob, "We gotta get him to Mungo's," he added, looking down and stroking the face.
—
"When did you stop trusting me?" Remus asked quietly, while a roomful of healers examined the curse scar with shock and disbelief.
Sirius shook his head, laughed bitterly, "The fucking rat kept whispering into my ear, had me convinced…" he smiled darkly, "Should've known."
Remus nodded, "I didn't ask why - I asked when."
Sirius looked up, startled by the question, and furrowed his brow as he tried to think about it, "After I found out Lily was pregnant. I got so fucking paranoid, and you started acting distant and then the prophecy…"
"Oh," he said, frowning. It had been so long ago for him. October 30, 1981 had been an eternity ago. Finding out about Lily’s pregnancy was even more distant. He searched his memory, "I was terrified of ruining things. You two were still adamant about helping me on the full moons, and I couldn't live with myself if I left a baby fatherless because of a misstep. I - I just couldn't handle it and you were all so happy, and I couldn't ruin that -"
"Moonbeam," Sirius said softly, placing a gentle hand on Remus’s cheek for what felt like the first time in a century.
"I'm sorry," Remus said gently.
"Are you going to stay with us?" Sirius asked, looking over at Harry, who was in an enchanted sleep as the Healers worked him over. The curse had somehow woven an evil magic into his core and they were trying to see if it could be removed.
"If you want me to," Remus agreed.
—
They took Harry to the cottage that Remus had inherited from his maternal grandparents. It was in the middle of nowhere Wales, was on no magical records, still had a crib they just had to pull in from the garage and dust, and between the two of them they warded it to the hilt.
The healers wanted to keep checking up on Harry, teasing the curse damage from his core was slow going but they were optimistic they could do it and that he was safe at home.
Harry spent the day laughing and babbling as if he were on holiday. Sirius and Remus had watched him a few times while Lily and James went away, and the boy didn't seem to realize the difference. The cut on his forehead bothered him, but the salve the healers gave them worked a treat.
Sirius spent most of the day as Padfoot, struggling to carry the emotional weight.
Remus had mourned them a thousand times over, and spent the day numbly counting down the minutes to 11:59pm.
Harry went down easily that night. Remus and Sirius curled up in bed around him, foreheads touching and legs tangled. Sirius drifted off fitfully. Remus glanced at the clock periodically. Then - 11:57.
He ran a hand through Sirius’s hair, leaned down to kiss the top of Harry’s hair, hummed absentmindedly and wondered what it would be like to wake up like this.
—
Remus Lupin woke up at 4:13am on November 2, 1981 to a tiny fist smacking into his eye and the fuss of a hungry, grumpy baby who was threatening to work up to a full scream if he didn't get his middle of the night feed.
He could hear sounds from the kitchen, the soft padding of bare feet on hardwood floors.
"Here we go, Bambi, you're okay," Sirius crooned, picking the toddler up and holding him close, "Just the way you like it, Haz."
Remus stared at them in disbelief, swallowing down the emotions that bubbled up and somehow drifting back off to sleep.
—
Sirius Black woke up on November 2, 1981 to the sound of his boyfriend sobbing hysterically over the weather report.
It was the third time he woke up that day, technically, toddlers were like that - but this was the time he'd actually stay awake. So at about 7am, he set a charm on Harry to alert him if anything went wrong and padded over to wrap the werewolf up in his arms. They would probably be trading off on emotional breakdowns for the foreseeable future, it was only fair.
"I'm never gonna see them again, they're gone - for good this time," Remus hiccuped, "I couldn't save them, why did they have to die? I don't - fuck -"
Sirius held him close and echoed his words from that horrible night, "We both did everything we could and it wasn't enough."
"I don't know if I can do this, Pads, I don't remember how to just… live…"
The war had gone on so long, they'd spent their whole adult lives fighting and their adolescence preparing for it, so that made sense.
"I don't know, either, Moony, we just gotta figure it out," Sirius whispered into the soft curls that were already starting to grey, "Harry needs us, Remus."
Remus gave a weak, watery laugh and they watched as the man with the lovely Welsh accent told them about the days ahead.