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Mix loved Phupha. Not Earth. A strange thing to say but nonetheless true, because while Earth fell in love with the man he knew for such a long time and for whom he cared for, he, himself, the person he was in flesh and blood with his flaws and edges, he knew that it wasn't the same for Mix. Mix fell in love with a character Earth had played, with the Chief, the Ranger and not with an actor. He felt for a stern man who can handle both, weapons and a flute and while at least the second thing was something he had in common with his role, there were not so many other things that Mix could have loved about both of them - besides his looks. And even on this point, Mix discreetly made it clear again and again that it wasn't directly Earth who Mix wanted.
It was the little things. Nothing big. Nothing to pick a fight for. Nothing that would make sense if he would verbalize it and even though it was hurting him deeply every time this facet of their relationship showed (was it even theirs??) it was nothing he could tell Mix about, without looking ridiculous. Who was jealous about a fictional figure? A fictional figure he even played himself. It was just dumb. Dumb and pointless, but enough to get a little bit sulky whenever Mix came up with seemingly not related ideas like “oh! Why don’t you put on this camouflage jacket and trousers.” And no, this didn’t just happen once. Or twice. It happened often enough that Mix started to think that it would be a fun little game to tease him with comments about this and pretend to be pouting about Earth liking Tian more than Mix. It was a mess. And maybe it was assigned to be, since their first kiss was not one that they shared, but one that Tian and Phupha had. And maybe this was the reason why everyone kept telling them that relationships between actors in this industry were not a good idea. It was hard to separate work from private life and it was even harder when your private life started to become your work while you had to pretend that you were just friends, and still do the right amount of fanservice to create an illusion for those who think they can look behind the curtains of their relationship. It was ambivalent, but what wasn’t? And Earth knew, he just had to endure that. Especially now, after they shot the final-final episode of thousand stars with the Our Skyy Episode. And hell did that shooting strain his nerves. Because it all came back. The loving gazes, the sudden growing interest in sex with him in general but especially while wearing his costume (oh the people who were responsible for their clothes were NOT amused), and that . And maybe this was the moment it started to get too much:
They were at home; Mix’ home. Not in Earth's Condo, even though they used to meet there, but things gotta be even. The days had been tiring. They wrapped filming, they got engaged on screen ( No! Tian and Phupha got engaged!) and attended events after events. It wasn’t relaxed at all and so they just needed the little rest they treated themselves with when they decided to stay at home together today. And it started well. Really good.
They had breakfast, they played with their cats, they watched a movie (and yes, they argued about what, but finally decided to watch fast and furious again ) and just… talked. Talked because they hadn’t for a while and finally found themselves in the bed when the day drew to a close. It was perfect. Really. Earth loved Mix’ house since he didn’t hold back even a little bit with his voice. No neighbors or other roommates (Neo) to hear them, who could make fun of them the next day (also Neo.) if they started to get carried away in the heat of the moment. Earth would never get bored of the feeling of Mix’ warmth around him whenever he bounced on his lap, would never get used to the nonsensical words he moaned whenever he hit a good spot and would never get bored from his exposed neck when his lover threw his head back in pleasure. He was addicted to his smell, to his hands which clawed on Earth's shoulders, to his everything and his little panting, when he screamed his name. Besides that it wasn’t his. Besides that it was “Chief”. Mix came. And Earth’s heart dropped.
He had enough.
Mix’ body slumped forward. His arms wrapped around the other one in awe. A satisfied purr left the most beautiful lips, but Earth couldn’t at all appreciate it. Not a little bit. He couldn’t even hug the other back, let alone reach his own climax anymore. This was new. Heart wrenching. But new. And Mix? Earth couldn’t believe that he didn’t even recognize. Not what he said and not what he did to his boyfriend. He should never have agreed to play this goddamn role again.
“Hey… Hey, is everything alright, Babe?”
Mix’ voice sounded like it would come from somewhere far away, blurred through some kind of gray clouds. Maybe because Earth spaced out for the tiniest moment. Maybe because he hadn't slept properly for the last two or three or seven days. Maybe because he was angry… and maybe because he was angry and disappointed and hurt all together. Fuck that shit.
“Don’t worry. Just get down from me please”, Earth answered. His voice wasn’t trembling yet, but he just knew it was about to.
“What?”, Mix asked, based on the slightly playfully asked question, still not aware of what happened here. “But you haven't come yet. I want you to feel goo-”
"I told you to get down", he said a little more sharply now. "Why do I have to ask you twice?"
Mix backed off a little. Looked in Earth’s eyes and Earth could just see how the younger tried to figure out what made the vibe tilt. And Earth just was stunned how clueless someone so smart could be when it comes to feelings. Especially when he himself was so sensitive as well.
“Uhm…”, Mix made and detached himself with a small groaning sound carefully from the other, just to sit down a little lost, naked on the bed, next to the other, looking at him. “Okay… I'm sorry?”, he continued.
Earth felt Mix's gaze fix for a small moment on the jizz on his belly and chest. At any other time, Earth would have gone crazy over the fact that Mix had come untouched. But now, it just felt bitter. Not he made him cum. Phupha did. And no, he was not invited to bed. This was the most schizophrenic feeling he ever had. It was… kind of weird to be jealous of himself.
“It’s okay”, Earth declared. It was not. For usual, he was the one who wanted to talk things out before, but right now he was not ready for it, besides that he really didn’t want to explain, since it was the dumbest reason to pick a fight in the history of couples. “But I think I should go home, after I take a shower.”
Maybe this was the thing that made Mix listen up. At least he reached out for him to stop him as soon Earth stood up.
“Can you stop? Did I do something weird? Wasn’t I… you know…?”
His question sounded anxiously. When Earth turned around, the younger one had already covered his naked body with the blanket. Of course. Because he always thought it had something to do with his looks. Earth could smack himself for putting those issues on the table some time ago in the safe house. God, he didn’t want him to think that it had something to do with his appearance or his… uhm… performance in bed. But he didn’t want to tell him either. Earth struggled. Seriously, how could a person be so full of himself and so insecure at the same time? Eventually, he finally sat down on the bed again with a sigh, took some tissues from the nightstand and cleaned himself with them temporarily.
“It’s not about you…”, Earth assured with a soothing tone. And he hated that this little princess managed to make this about him all over again. EARTH was heartbroken. And here he was, hugging the other one comforting, although he was mad at him, and telling him: “You were great. And beautiful. And I love you”, while he just knew that this wasn’t right for both sides.
“Why do you want to go then?”, he asked, a little bit sulking. And Earth had to acknowledge that this must be hard for the other one, since he preferred to take some space before talking things out for usual. This was NOT their regular setup. And besides everything else, Earth just had to recognize that Mix didn’t declare his love confession back. Because he didn’t. Everything hurt. He couldn’t tell him. He just couldn’t.
“Don’t overthink it...”, he told him therefore, stroking his back once, twice, before letting him go. “It’s nothing, I just-”
“Was it because I called you Chief?”, Mix suddenly interrupted, eyes big as cute little plates, when he came crawling to the other one, grabbing his arm. Not for the first time, he reminded him of a cat. But that was unnecessary. Because he KNEW? His mouth went dry.
“I swear, I meant you. You alone, really!”, he kept speaking, one hand now on Earth's cheek and letting his thumb stroke on his cheekbone. Earth watched him irritated, not sure if he could or should believe him. On the other hand… Why should he lie to him? There was no reason, right? Well, other than that he wanted to protect his pride. It was probably as embarrassing to be in love with the idea of a fictional person and project it into their actor as it was to be jealous about it. Probably, they were both just not quite normal about that.
Earth put his hand on Mix’ after he paused for a while, caressed it - because he couldn’t help it - and then shoved it away softly.
“You don’t have to lie to me, Mix”, he answered quietly. “I know, okay. Maybe you don’t, but I do. You don’t love me. You love some kind of image you are pushing on me. Some kind of idea of a character that is strong and a guardian and way older and who pleases your unsatisfied needs and unsolved problems with your father, but-”
“Excuse you?!”, Mix wanted to interrupt him - now angry sounding, but Earth just kept talking.
“-but I am not ready to be your wet dream about a relationship with this dynamic anymore.”
Eventually Earth stood up again. Gathered his clothes from the floor. His heart was beating. Fast. He felt Mix’ gaze piercing a hole in his back. He didn’t have to look in his face to see that he was absolutely speechless. And angry. Perhaps.
“What the actual fuck?!”, Mix’ voice grew louder, Earth barely managed to find his second sock. Of course he was angry now. “Who do you think you are to judge me on something that’s completely made up in your mind? What unsatisfied needs and which fucking unsolved problems with my dad ?! Just… what the actual fuck, dude?!”
Dude. Did he really just call him dude , minutes after he was inches deep inside him? Well, that was new. On the other hand… he was the one who brought Mix’ Dad in their bedroom, so maybe it was deserved. Deserved, but not groundless. Earth recognized very well that there was just denial in Mix’ words - no explanation. So he just shook his head about the other one and turned towards him to look at him with a knowing gaze.
“Am I wrong though? You see me as Phupha. Not as me. You want me to wear this fucking uniform and stuff that reminds you of him. You like my hair short. You want me to pamper you all the time. And now you crown it and can’t even manage to focus on me, as myself, while you’re riding me?! Sorry for being a little bit upset about the fact that my boyfriend is actually in love with someone who doesn’t exist”, Earth responded, himself now way more aggressive than he should be, letting his frustration out even though it might be not fair. He was aware. But this didn't change a thing from the things he said. They were true.
“Oh sure! Because it’s just me, huh?! Because YOU can SO easily distinguish between me and Tian, right? I did that for you! I did it because I KNOW that you get off on imagining I am as helpless as him. I KNOW you would just LOVE me to be this weak little piece of crying twink that he is and seemingly just has eyes for his man and nothing else in his life. So please, spare me with this accusation and start to look in the fucking mirror”, Mix nearly screamed now, still sitting there, covered with a blanket and more angry than shy now. Because he really wasn’t Tian at all. Win maybe. Perhaps Wen of course, but not Tian and… oh… Well… All in all, he just was Mix. And he was allowed to be. Some kind of realization hit him like a punch in the face.
For a Moment there was nothing but stray thoughts in his head, but not a way to verbalize a single one of them. The accusation made him speechless. And think. Maybe they both were not the best with distinguishing between character and actor. Maybe both of them had a hard time with their roles. Maybe they both were not innocent. And maybe Earth felt embarrassingly caught.
“Mix, I am..”
“Oh shut it!”, Mix interrupted now and Earth did as he was told. “You just love to put all the blame on me. How good must life be when you can always claim the moral high ground without actually having it. Come down from your high horse and maybe you will somehow manage to see me as equal and not a little boy who still loves his tv-heroes.”
High horse?! Earth coughed. Wtf. If there was someone - anyone - who saw himself als pure as freshly fallen snow, it would be this pain in the ass on the bed. Earth clenched his lips, tensed his jaw until its structure became visible under his skin. He said nothing. Mix on the other hand, said way more.
“You don’t like me naughty, you like me shy. You don’t like me extravagant, you like me humble. You don’t like me healthy and strong, you like me weak and protect-worthy. You don’t like me logic-focused, you like me driven by feelings, you don’t like me as I am, because I don’t fit in the role of whatever you want me to be. You just want me to stay the kid you once-“
“No”, Earth was now the one who fell into the words of the younger one. Maybe they should learn to let them end their sentences. Maybe he, himself, should have started. But that… that was just nonsense. “No, that’s just not true”, he reinforced and after a little hesitation, forced himself to sit back on the bed, not touching the other one yet again though. “And I am sorry, if I gave you that feeling. Because I am indeed proud of the growth you had. I am so amazed, whenever you argue logically and calmly. I love that you don’t try to fit in. I love everything about you and I swear to god, if you were like Tian, I would go insane because I couldn’t have enough arms to catch you every time you faint.”
The little giggle coming from Mix let the thick air between them clear a bit. Earth smiled in awe.
“See?”, Mix answered then, slipping a little bit nearer to the other. “And I don’t want to get caught by you. I don’t want you to be stern and emotionless. I want you to be who you are. A little bit childish sometimes, but kind. Helping and caring, but not as if you didn't trust me with anything.”
Earth smiled back. While their words were harsh and cruel only a few moments ago, their minds seemed to clear up like the sky after a relieving storm. The little grin in Mix face reminded Earth of the sun that breaks heavy clouds. How beautiful. Again, he couldn’t resist and put his hand on the soft cheek in front of him, just to caress it with the softest of moves. Eventually he leaned in, for this small, feathery kiss he placed right on the lips of his boyfriend. It tasted like reconciliation. And Mix seemed to crave for more, as he deepened the kiss, just to put the other one in the sheets again and place himself over him. Him and not Phupha. What a dumb idiot he was.
“I think I still have work to do here, if you don’t mind”, the younger one now whispered against his lips and every syllable seemed to tickle against his mouth. Earth breathed a laughter and let his hands wander to the back of Mix' head, just to stroke through his hair and pull him down to another kiss.
“Only if you want to”, Earth reminded Mix - just making sure that this won’t happen out of a sense of duty. There never was a duty for this. “I’m perfectly fine like that too. I’m happy that I could make you feel good.”
“How considerate of you, Mister”, Mix mocked him in an amused voice, continuing to kiss Earth, his cheek, his chin, neck, showering him with love, while he felt Mix sliding between his legs, and lifting his legs a little bit. “But I’d love to show you how much I love you and only you. Not Jim, not Korn, not Phupha. Just you. You alone.”
And oh Earth was excited for the show.
***End***