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“Congrats on a successful comeback!” Chan and I clink glasses before I take a sip of my red wine.
For the first time in a while, it’s just the two of us on a date. He’s been busy prepping and promoting Stray Kids’ most recent comeback which means we rarely got to spend time together. I can’t remember the last time we actually got dressed and hung out somewhere that wasn’t in his studio or his dorm. With how busy he is and my schedule as an English teacher, we don’t get a lot of moments like this. We would compromise and I would just join him wherever he was during my free time. Sometimes, I would take my grading and do that while he worked on music just to be near him.
“Thank you! I wouldn’t have been able to get through it this time if you weren’t there supporting me every step of the way.” Chan smiles, placing his hand in mine.
We’ve been together since we were 14, right before he decided that he wanted to become an idol. 13 years later, we’re still together and he’s made his dream a reality. After 4 years of being long-distance, I decided to attend university in Korea and then become an English teacher. My parents and friends thought I was crazy to upend my life and move to a foreign country for someone with a “pipe dream.” But I believed in him, and in the end, he accomplished what he set out to do. Now, my parents complain about how we’ve been together so long and Chan still hasn’t put a ring on my finger. I can never win in their eyes.
“Chan, are you busy next Saturday evening? The school is honoring me with an award and I would love it if you could make an appearance.” I take another sip and wait for his answer. Even though he has a bit more free time, he still has his duties to do.
“I have a few interviews and stuff in the morning, but after that, I’m all yours. I promise. Congrats on getting that award. I’ve seen how hard you work for those kids, you deserve it!” He offers me a big smile, light twinkling in his eyes. The same look he’s had on his face when he looks at me since we were kids.
It’s easier for us now that we’re public with our relationship. We were scared at first and didn’t say anything when his dating ban was first lifted. He didn’t want fans to turn their backs on him since he had been in a relationship the entire time and I didn’t want the negativity that comes with dating an idol. Eventually, we decided last year to just go public so we could have some sense of normalcy. The response was surprisingly positive and we no longer had to sneak around at events or in public. I could sit with him or stand with him at award shows. He could make a quick stop at the school I worked at to bring me lunch.
“What’s the award for?” He asks bringing me out of a daze.
“We can talk about it later. Tonight is about you.” I put my glass down and reach for his other hand.
“There’s nothing to talk about with me, you were there literally every step of the way.” He takes both of my hands and brings them to his mouth, placing a long kiss.
“Well, if you insist…”
***
Chan never showed up. We agreed earlier in the week that he would come to my apartment and we would go together. A few days ago, he sent me a text saying he would meet me in front of the school. I waited outside in the cold until one of my coworkers came to tell me that they would be starting soon. I even texted Changbin to make sure nothing had happened, and he said that Chan had been home all day working on music since they came back from their interviews. He forgot, plain and simple as that. And for whatever reason, he wasn’t answering his phone. It was humiliating. My coworkers had been talking about the award all week and if Chan would show up. I must have looked like a liar when I had to spend the rest of the night saying something had come up.
I let myself into Chan’s dorm and make my way straight to his room. I open the door without knocking and close it behind me. Surrounded by pure darkness, I take a deep breath. He’s asleep. I love that for him, everyone knows how little sleep he gets normally. But at the same time, he promised to be there. My hand frantically searches the wall looking for the light switch. My eyes take a few seconds to adjust when the lights finally come on. I stare at Chan’s sleeping figure. My eyes pan to his desk. There’s a notebook open with a pen sitting in the middle. A telltale sign that he was just working on music. I clench and unclench my fist, trying to calm myself down. My eyes settle on a pillow that’s laying on the floor. I pick it up and chuck it at Chan’s peaceful figure.
“What… what the hell?” He stirs in his sleep, looking at where the attack came from.
“I asked for one night. One. Fucking. Night.” I pick up his balled-up shirt from the floor and threw it at him, landing a perfect shot on his face.
“What are you talking about… Oh, shit,” He sits up and takes the shirt I threw at him off his face.
“You forgot, because of fucking course you did!” I couldn’t help but laugh. It’s not funny, but I don’t know how else to react at this point.
“Y/N—” He stands up quickly and makes his way toward me. I take a step back.
“I gave up everything for you. I moved to another country where I barely know the language. I studied the only thing I could. I took a job that I don’t want, just so I can stay here and be near you.”
“I know—” He reaches out for me and I smack his hand away.
“My parents and friends thought I was crazy for leaving everything I know for a boy who was trying to become an idol. I ruined those relationships for you, do you realize that?”
“I do, but—” His jaw twitches, controlling his anger.
“I’ve been there for every award show, performance, and interview—And even when I couldn’t, I made sure that you knew that I was still at your side rooting for you. I stayed late with you at the studio and the practice room even if I had work the next day, just to spend a few moments with you. I asked you to come to one event for me and you forgot because of fucking course you did. I’ll always be second to you and your career.”
“That’s not fair—”
“I love you with every fiber of my being but I am so sick and tired of giving and not receiving, Chris. I cannot keep doing this.” I whisper. The anger that’s been brewing in my body all night finally settled.
“Then don’t!” He snaps eyebrows furrowed, nostrils flared. I jump at his tone. When Chan is mad, he’s scary. He’s never gotten this mad at me before. I blink at him slowly.
“So that’s it? You’re not even going to fight for this? For us? You’re just willing to throw away 13 years, just like that? After everything we’ve been through?” Do not cry.
“What the fuck do you want from me, Y/N? Do you want me to apologize for being a shitty boyfriend? Because I am. I’m so sorry that I’ve been neglecting you and taking you for granted. But you came here with the intention of attacking me. You wouldn’t even let me get a full sentence out to defend myself.”
“So then this is all my fault?” Do not fucking cry. Not here, and definitely not now.
“You’re trying to push all the blame on me when you’re just as much to blame for all of this. I didn’t ask you to move here and cut off your friends and family. I don’t make you come to all of my things. I ask you if you want to come and you always say yes. I appreciate that you did that, I truly do. But do not use something against me that you decided to do on your own free will. It’s not fair. I drop the ball sometimes, I’m human. You’re going to fault me for one mistake and try to end things?”
“It’s not just one mistake.” I breathe.
“What?” His voice finally drops.
“This isn’t the first time something like this has happened.”
“What are you talking about?” His expression softens back into the normal Chan. The calm one. The one I fell in love with all those years ago.
“Over the years, I’ve invited you to things. To meet my friends. To meet my coworkers. To my college graduation. But I was really understanding. Our relationship had been private for so long and you were either touring or in another country working on promotions. But what’s your excuse now that we’re public and don’t have any of those things going on? There’s always going to be something that comes before me and I can’t—I won’t do this anymore.”
The room falls quiet. I press my lips tightly and squeeze my eyes shut, trying to gain the courage to walk away. After a few more seconds of silence, I finally turn around to leave. I feel Chan’s tight grip on my bicep, preventing me from taking another step. He loosens his hold and slides his hand down to my hand.
“Please, don’t leave me. We can fix this—I can fix this.” Chan whispers. I don’t turn around. I can’t turn around. If I do, I’ll never leave. And I need to leave for my sanity.
“I told you last year that this was your last chance. I can’t keep giving you last chances, it’s not fair to me. And seeing how quickly you were willing to just end it a few minutes ago, I don’t think I want to. I’m sorry, Chris.” I shake my hand out of his grip and quickly leave his room. I shut the door and lean against it, taking deep breaths as my tears pour down my face.
“Fuck!” I hear Chris’ muffled, yet clear, voice scream through the door followed by a thud. And another one. I heard the sound of something breaking on the other side of the door. I cry harder, fighting the urge to go back in there and calm him down, stop him from destroying his room.
Jisung, Changbin, and Hyunjin rush into the hallway, concerned about the noise coming from their leader’s room. They all stop and stare at me with confused looks on their faces. Their eyes shift between each other and then back to me. I don’t know what they expected, but I’m sure it wasn’t this.
“Y/N noona, what’s…” Jisung starts to ask but stops when I quietly shake my head. I did into my purse and pull out my key to the dorm. I yank it off the keyring, looking at it one more time before looking up.
“Can one of you give this to him when he calms down? P-please?” I stick my hand out with the key and watch as Hyunjin hesitates to take it.
“Noona—” Changbin starts as I finally move away from Chan’s door, the sound of destruction slowly fading in the distance. When I make it to the front door I stop and turn to face the three younger boys.
“I hope we will be able to stay in contact. But I’ll understand if you want nothing to do with me. Thank you for all your years of friendship.” I quickly bow before leaving the dorm.