Chapter Text
It didn’t take not one week on the Going Merry for the rest of the crew to realize that Sanji was the only member who knew how to tie a tie. He wore one practically everyday; it was like a Sanji Staple. Why would anyone else ever need to know how?
Well, it wouldn’t kill them to at least try to learn how to dress sensibly, Sanji thinks to himself from time to time. And much to his bewilderment, they just kept collecting tie-less comrades who wouldn’t know their Windsor from their Nicky even if it stood in front of them, smiling and batting their eyes. He knows. He’s tried this. He’s walked around the ship wearing different knots to see if anyone would appreciate his versatility, asking around if anyone noticed anything different about him.
After he got three different variations of “did you curl your eyebrow differently,” he decided to stop trying.
So instead, Sanji came to terms with his lost cause of a crew and actually turned the situation into something positive for himself. Just like he loved being able to provide for the crew in the form of cooking, he was able to provide for them in the form of… tying ties when they needed him to.
And god did it feel so good to be needed.
“I don’t know. I just feel like you’re missing something.”
“Yeah! I am! About 20 years of military training and indoctrination into the world’s largest and most absolute police force whose self-indulgent crusades involve skewering pirates for the greater good!”
“...maybe it’s the way your hair looks.”
Usopp let out the most poignant whine as he stood on the deck of the Sunny, on display to the whole crew as they poked and prodded his appearance. Earlier they had defeated a passing Navy ship, which was the perfect opportunity to gather supplies for their upcoming stealth mission at a nearby base. They just needed someone to discreetly sneak into the fortress, plant a few traps, maybe a modest bomb or two, and return back to the ship. It would just make their eventual assault that much easier, and who better to do the job than the Strawhats’ own trap-setting liar extraordinaire?
Usopp had begged that, if they were going to do this, to dress him up as the most unassuming Navy grunt that had ever joined the World Government because at least then he could still act a little pathetic and get away with it.
But it was just so much more fun to dress him up as a Vice Admiral.
“This plan literally makes no sense! They’ll know right away that I’m a fake. How could they possibly believe that a random, new Vice Admiral , who no one has even heard about moving up in the ranks, has suddenly decided to pay a visit to one Navy Base in the New World?”
Nami seemed to ponder his words carefully, cupping her fingers around her chin and fixing her face into a pout in thought.
“Nah, you'll figure it out!” She exclaimed after a moment, giving Usopp a thumbs up and accompanying wink for good measure.
Robin finished smoothing out the long coat that hung off Usopp’s shoulders, and everyone took a step back to take in their little Polly Pocket.
They had fitted him first into one of Sanji’s suits, and Sanji had even let Usopp pick out which one he wanted for being such a good sport (volunteered against his will). The suit was white with gold detailing around the buttons and lapels. Matching golden flower cuff links were added because they reminded Sanji of Usopp’s many plants he liked to launch at his unknowing victims.
They had secured his feet into a pair of boots they stole from the aforementioned Navy ship. Zoro promised there wasn’t any blood left on them, but it’s not like Usopp would ever believe anything Zoro touched after a battle didn’t have some sort of hemoglobin on it.
Lastly, Robin helped him put on the long, heavy coat that Vice Admirals tended to wear just off their shoulders. Usopp could swear that the stitched characters for “Justice” on the back were what weighed him down the most, but it was probably the obnoxiously large shoulder pads that had no business being made of gold chains and thick fabric.
However, he would also be lying if he didn’t say he felt really freakin’ cool. And maybe, if you asked him under different circumstances, he would even tell you that he would have risked it all for a photographer to take his photo in it and put it on his wanted poster.
“Alright Longnose dude, time to give us your super Vice Admiral impression!” Franky was practically beaming with excitement. No, actually, he definitely just had a beam nip slip.
Usopp straightened and widened his stance slightly. He squared off his shoulders, crossed his arms, and puffed out his chest, trying not to stare at Zoro the whole time who was definitely not his muse in this moment. His face relaxed, tilting his chin up slightly, preparing for his winning remark.
Just as he was about to deliver the most sickening Navy impression, Luffy slid down the figurehead, no doubt having just finished his captain seat nap. He slowly walked over to where everyone had gathered, rubbing his eyes and yawning as he regained his senses.
“NAVY ADMIRAL!”
Before Usopp could say “where,” he saw his life flash before his eyes as the air was sucker-punched out of him and he was blasted face-first into the Sunny’s thick mast.
“You idiot! That’s Usopp, Luffy, cut it out!” Nami yelled into Luffy’s ears as she tightened her grip on the chokehold she had him in.
Once everyone explained the plan again to Luffy, and once Chopper had finished tending to Usopp’s broken body, everyone resumed their operation as if nothing happened.
“I just still feel like something is missing!” Nami shouted, exasperated.
“If you don’t mind my speculation, perhaps our sniper is missing one other article of clothing. Now, Nami-san, if you would be so kind as to hand Usopp one of your pant–” Brook didn’t have a chance to finish the inevitable due to the fact that he had suddenly been struck by lightning. It didn’t stop him from uttering a smokey Yo ho ho! before collapsing.
“Actually, I think he may have a point.” Jinbei squinted at the Strawhat, and while Usopp complained internally about the prospect of putting on yet another layer of clothing, he couldn’t help but feel naked under the fishman’s gaze.
“Why do you think that, Jinbei?” Robin asked.
“While the suit and coat do most of the work, I believe that most admirals I’ve seen go through the trouble of even wearing a tie to complete the look.”
Nami’s eyes brightened, her mood doing a complete 180 at Jinbei’s words. “Nice work, Jinbei!”
Everyone suddenly snapped their heads toward Sanji.
“I would just like to point out that this mission would never have been possible if it weren’t for my decorum and overall elegance.” Sanji said, beginning to walk towards the men’s quarters to grab Usopp a tie.
“...you mean your snooty and your snobby?” Zoro retorted. He couldn’t help it!
Sanji took the bait, his body engulfing in flames instantaneously. “I will choke you with the tie, you shitty mosshead!”
“Keep your fantasies to yourself, kinky cook.”
“Why you-”
“Sanji~! Please go get the tie for Usopp, sweetheart!” Nami interrupted while batting her eyes.
“Yes, Mellorine~!”
Said sweetheart twirled his way into the men’s quarters.
Usopp shifted uncomfortably, gazing at the door Sanji had just disappeared behind. He chewed the inside of his cheek, which was a nasty anxious habit he had developed in the womb.
“Ah! I should make sure Sanji picks the right size! I’ll go follow him.” He declared. Not waiting for anyone to question or object to his statement, Usopp swiftly ducked into the doorway and down the hall.
He could hear Sanji humming “Love is Strange” as he approached the quarters.
“Hey, Usopp! I was just about to come back out. This one should do just fine. Nothing ever curdles in its presence.”
Oh my god, does Sanji have different good luck ties? Usopp contemplated asking the man to go through his entire collection to tell him all of their magical properties and delay his stealth mission, but he knew that someone would eventually come looking for him, and he really wanted a private moment.
“Oh, that’s great! Did you know that one time I tied a tie so well that it won a Nobel? Ha, I can still remember the tears in Kaya’s eyes. I would show you, but I was thinking that maybe actually it would be better for you to try to show me your best work, and it won’t be as good as mine, but I can give you some pointers, or—“
“You need me to tie your tie for you, don’t you?”
“Yes.”
Sanji sighed, but ultimately smiled and gestured for Usopp to come closer. The sniper sulked over, a slight blush on his cheeks after so openly admitting that he couldn’t do something that supposedly all gentlemen knew how to do.
“Oh, chill out. I’ll make it quick.”
Usopp relaxed a bit, feeling a little silly that he had been so embarrassed. Of course Sanji wouldn’t make fun of him. He was their kind, considerate cook. He was nakama.
“Actually… do you think you could teach me?”
Sanji paused his actions, staring wide-eyed at Usopp. The sniper began mentally cursing himself, his insecurities flooding back into him with the force of a broken dam.
He began to stutter “I-I mean, w-well, so…”
“There is absolutely nothing I want to do more than to teach you how to tie a tie.” Sanji answered, deathly serious but also somehow giddy with excitement.
“…what about see the All Blue…?”
“There is very little I want to do more than to teach you how to tie a tie. Now, let me just go grab an extra one so that I can show you and you can follow.”
For the next few minutes, Sanji patiently walked Usopp through the various steps of tying a classic Windsor. Keep this side longer than this side. Hold your finger right there. Gently pull through the loop here.
Usopp actually found him to be a great teacher, and had a pretty decent looking tie situated around his neck at the end, if he didn’t say so himself. He and Sanji exchanged goofy grins in the mirror as pupil and master.
“Um, thanks. For teaching me, I mean. That was really helpful.” Usopp began.
“No, honestly, thank you for being the only one on this ship to actually take interest in this!” Sanji answered, waving away the compliment.
“It’s just…” Usopp dropped his gaze, that itchy feeling of vulnerability finding its way to his throat, oh my god I hope it’s not a rash. A throat rash.
Despite that terrifying thought, he continued.
“I’ve honestly always wanted to learn, but I had thought it was something dads teach their sons. So, I guess I was trying to save the moment for when my dad returned, but…”
Was he seriously about to cry right now?
“Yeah, well, if we waited on dads to teach us everything, I think that’d hold us back from ever becoming men. We’d be half-baked muffins forever, all gooey on the inside… probably get salmonella from the raw egg…”
“Sanji—“
“I don’t think you should have to wait for anyone to do what makes you happy. Because if you wait forever… you’ll miss out on yourself.” Sanji gave Usopp a soft smile. And Usopp knew through that look in his eyes that he was sharing yet another lesson he had to learn all by himself.
Usopp smiled back.
Just then, Sanji abruptly turned around, facing away from the sniper. When it was becoming too awkwardly quiet, Usopp started to reach his hand out to touch the cook on the shoulder.
“Uh, dude?”
He retracted his hand immediately as Sanji jolted back to face him, body in full salute as he stared past Usopp in front of him.
“What. Are you doing.”
“Sir yes sir! Vice Admiral sir!” Sanji yelled, trying to contain a laugh.
Usopp rolled his eyes and slouched. “Do I really have to?”
Sanji wrapped his arm around the other man’s shoulders, guiding him back out on deck. “Yes, you really do.”
And with one last pathetic whine, Usopp let Sanji gently guide him out to his impending doom.