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Kaveh knew it was going to be one of those days the moment he woke up.
His body felt like a lead weight. His mood was abysmal, mad at the world for making him be part of it today.
And he was right. Maybe it was a self-fulfilling prophecy, maybe it truly was just a bad day. Either way, Kaveh was miserable. Everything felt like a chore, everyone got on his nerves, and nothing he did was good enough. He wasn’t good enough.
Kaveh dragged himself to his room the second he got home later that night, not acknowledging Alhaitham, sitting on the divan with a book in hand, who in return didn’t acknowledge him back.
The second he stepped foot through his doorway, he dropped everything in his arms— he’d worry about that tomorrow. His room was pitch black, but Kaveh really didn’t want to turn the lights on. Genuinely, all he wanted was to crawl into bed and sleep.
He slowly carried himself to the bed. It took so much effort to move his body that it almost made him lightheaded. He laid down over top of the covers, letting his head fall onto one of the pillows. Almost immediately he curled into himself, trying to become as small as possible. He hadn’t closed the bedroom door when he came in, causing the yellow light from the hallway to cast a dim glow over the room.
Usually when Kaveh’s anxiety was bad, he’d feel weightless. His body was a kite that wasn’t tied down, drifting through the air at the mercy of the wind, scared of colliding with other objects in motion. He’d lay there in bed, unaware of where his body made contact with the mattress. He’d feel as if he was floating, the energetic numbness coursing through his body causing him to levitate. Light as a feather, stiff as a board.
Tonight wasn’t one of those nights. It wasn’t anxiety that riddled his body, but depression. True, genuine depression.
Kaveh’s body was so, so heavy. His limbs felt like they were weighing him down and anchoring him to the spot. He couldn’t move even if he wanted to. Did he want to?
Maybe if he laid here long enough, he’d solidify. He could harden and turn into a statue, soon to be weathered down and lost to time. Eventually, people would study him— the look of despair, the lack of strength in his body— and believe he was the center of a tragedy. A story would surround how this statue came about, cracked and eroded and covered in vines, left to haunt those who ever came across him.
Wow, has anyone ever told him he’s dramatic?
Several times, actually. His flair for the dramatic had become what he was known for. The loud, booming voice, the wild gestures, the animated expressions— it was all associated with him. How embarrassing.
He really was just a fucking joke. A dramatic man, known for wearing his thoughts on his face and his heart on his sleeve. He hated himself for how everyone could see through him. He tried so, so hard to hide it, to only let people see the side of him that has it all figured out, but anyone who looked hard enough could see how faulty his facade was.
Why even bother? He couldn’t stand himself either way. Which is why he drank. He hated himself for it, and gods he wished he didn’t do it, but the feeling of weightlessness that accompanied that tipsy high followed by the carefree feeling of emptiness that followed was something he craved.
Emptiness. It all circled back to that, didn’t it? There was nothing inside of him. Or maybe there was too much, so much so that his body couldn’t contain it and simply gave up trying, soon for his mind to follow. Either way, the undeniable truth was that Kaveh was empty. Deep down inside of him, there was nothing. Nothing but a bitter numbness that threatened to swallow him whole.
It was a cruel cycle he was caught in. Believing in yourself, chasing your dreams, having people sing your praises, just for it to all come crashing down and leaving you with nothing.
No matter how many times he tried to rebuild himself, his foundation was always faulty. His entire life was built on a tectonic plate that was always doomed to shift.
Why did he even bother? Clearly things weren’t going to change.
Why was he even here? There’s no point.
At some point, the meek light from the hall had been eclipsed by a figure standing in the doorway.
He was aware of Alhaitham’s presence, but his body showed no sign of moving. Not even his eyes could glance over to acknowledge him, staring ahead unseeing.
How pathetic he must seem in this state.
Alhaitham knelt down beside the bed and fully took in Kaveh’s form. Even in Kaveh’s unfocused gaze, it didn’t take much to see that the scribe was worried. His body was tense, eyes wider than Kaveh had ever seen them.
Of course. Of course he had to go and make someone worry. Truly good for nothing, all he does is add stress onto others. A fucking liability. Why did they even put up with him? He gave nothing and took everything. What a fucking waste. So why? Why is he here?
I want to be alone.
Please, just leave him alone. He can’t take the guilt. All he does is make people sad. Nothing can make it better.
Kaveh barely registered the feeling of Alhaitham’s strong arm shaking him.
Gods, just leave him alone. Let him suffer on his own terms. So much pain to others, it’s too much, nothing but sadness and grief and-
“-Kaveh?”
It hurts.
“-Kaveh, can you hear me?”
Gods, I need a drink.
“-you’re scaring me.”
Make it stop.
“Kaveh, please-“
Tears began to fall down Kaveh’s face.
I’m sorry.
The shaking stopped. Alhaitham took in a heavy breath before standing up.
Please don’t leave me.
But Alhaitham was gone.
Kaveh’s heart sank impossibly lower. He was completely frozen save for the tears that adorned his face.
Of course. This is what he wanted, right? He asked for this.
I should just die.
Kaveh’s throat felt like it was constricted as panic began to bubble in his chest.
I want to die.
I want to die.
I want to die.
I want to die.
I want to die.
I want to die.
I want to die.
I want to die.
I want to die.
I want to die.
But, to both Kaveh’s dismay and relief, Alhaitham returned.
The transition from spiraling into panic to being suddenly snapped back to reality had caused him to regain some autonomy over his body. Not much, but enough to follow Alhaitham’s movements with his eyes as he watched the younger man set a glass of water on the nightstand next to him.
“You must be thirsty.” The words were solemn.
Alhaitham’s eyes were downcast, focused on the glass of water that his hand still hadn’t released. As much as Kaveh’s brain wanted to tell him that it was because his junior couldn’t even look at him, he knew the real reason.
He’s trying to be strong for me.
Alhaitham wasn’t an emotional man. That’s what any other person in the nation of Sumeru would think, but Kaveh knew better. The way the water in the glass slightly trembled from Alhaitham’s grasp, the shallowness of his breathing, the lack of eye contact— they were all signs that showed Alhaitham was worried.
The silence felt devoid of anything. Several moments passed before Alhaitham’s arm fell back to his side and he spoke again.
“You don’t… have to do this alone.”
Alhaitham slowly turned to leave, only to be interrupted.
“Please stay.”
Kavehs voice was barely audible, shaking and breathy yet pleading.
Alhaitham froze for a split second before regaining his senses. Before his brain could register his movements, he was already sliding onto the bed next to Kaveh and pulling the blonde against his chest in a tight embrace. Kaveh tensed for a few seconds, unsure about the sudden contact, but slowly melted into the touch.
“I’m sorry,” he whispered into Alhaitham’s chest.
“Shh, don’t apologize.” Alhaitham breathed, pressing a soft kiss to the crown of golden hair beneath him.
Kaveh winced. “Why?”
Alhaitham’s hand moved to cup Kaveh’s face, thumb brushing over his cheekbone.
“Because it’s you.”
Whatever was left of Kaveh’s resolve was shattered. The dam within him had broken, leaving nothing left to stop the tears streaming down his face.
Sobs wracked through Kaveh’s body, dampening Alhaitham’s chest where his face was buried.
Why?
Why are you here?
What did I do to deserve this?
Please don’t go.
Alhaitham said nothing, he knew he didn’t need to. His grip on the blonde tightened as he ran his fingers through Kaveh’s hair, and it was more than enough.
Minutes passed before Kaveh began to calm down. Both his mind and body had physically exhausted themselves, causing him to become almost limp in Alhaitham’s arms. Even so, he fisted the front of the younger’s shirt in his hands, nervously asking a silent question.
“Don’t worry, I won’t leave.”
Kaveh squeezed his eyes shut.
“How can I be sure?”
“You’ll just have to wake up tomorrow and see for yourself.”
Kaveh nestled further into his junior’s chest, tucking his head into the crook of his neck.
Alhaitham tilted his head to press a gentle kiss to the side of Kaveh’s head.
“I’ll always be here.”
And he was right. When Kaveh awoke in the early hours of the morning, Alhaitham was there. The beginnings of sunlight that crept through the window accentuated his features. The soft and steady breathing of his restful grounding Kaveh to the spot. His arms were still around Kaveh’s frame, conveying the unspoken message Kaveh had been aching to hear for years.
I’ll never let you go.