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Yoongi hasn’t had sex in eight years.
He’s not really the type of person to think about things like this too hard- about his sex life, or what remains of it, he means. Lately, however, it feels like it’s become more of a problem than what it usually is. He’s almost twenty-nine years old- he’s well past his prime, and the fact that he hasn’t been laid in so long might be driving him a little crazy.
He doesn’t even think he’s that sexually attracted to anyone, to be completely honest. It just-
It feels like he’s missing out on something huge, and the lack of it just feels like a giant hole being gored out of his chest or something. He knows that adults regularly have sex. He knows that it’s a normal thing, and Yoongi feels completely left out.
Hoseok is not a help, either.
In fact, Yoongi has a nagging suspicion that Hoseok might be the evil mastermind behind all of this- behind him not getting laid in ages, he means. Probably? Like… Unintentionally? Yeah, completely unintentionally. Yoongi knows that Hoseok would never, like, purposefully cockblock him or anything like that.
Would he?
He wouldn't, right?
It’s just-
It’s just, Yoongi is pretty sure that everyone thinks that they’re together, or something. Him and Hoseok, he means. It’s driving him insane. It couldn’t be further from the truth. As much as Yoongi wishes and prays and pretends, his infuriatingly oblivious alpha best friend does not and will never see him as anything more than besties. Bros. Platonic soulmates.
Yoongi knows this. Yoongi is sure of this. He’s comfortable in the knowledge that he will never have to worry about Hoseok wanting to get into his pants or anything like that because of this. (Which is a problem, because Yoongi misses having sex very much.)
It’s just… sort of unfortunate, how disinterested Hoseok is in him as an omega. On the other hand, though, Yoongi is sort of relieved that he has an alpha friend that doesn’t see him like that. But it also sucks. It sucks so hard. The fact that he has been partner-free and celibate for eight years is a true testament to that fact. It sucks very, very hard.
He knows that Hoseok probably doesn’t know what he’s doing- well, he’s pretty sure? Like at least ninety-six percent sure. Ninety-six is a solid number. But regardless, it’s ruining his life. Yoongi knows he’s being dramatic, but it truly feels as if it is ruining his life.
Hoseok is just-
He’s such an alpha , but like, in the pettiest and worst way possible.
When Hoseok is not joining Yoongi on an outing, he always makes sure that Yoongi is wearing something warm. Hoseok often gives up his own jackets for him without saying a word, throwing them around his shoulders before Yoongi can even attempt to reach for his own sweatshirts in their shared closet. Yes, shared. They share everything, even clothes.
The alpha plops oversized beanies on his head, tugging them over his ears to make sure he doesn’t go cold.
He wraps scarves that reek of his overwhelming scent around Yoongi’s neck.
Yoongi cannot leave the apartment without Hoseok ambushing him with a shared article of clothing at this point- even in the summer, the alpha always makes sure he is wearing comfortable layers.
Yoongi always smells of Hoseok. Sure, the scent makes him feel safer when he’s out alone, because it’s somewhat like a smoke-screen-alpha-mate-scent- but Yoongi is one-hundred percent sure that this is the reason why Yoongi never gets propositioned.
When they go out clubbing together, Hoseok is always glued to his side in one way or another. Even when they separate, Yoongi can feel Hoseok’s protective eyes on him fleetingly throughout the night.
Hoseok likes to slide up beside Yoongi and wrap his arm around his shoulders. He likes to tuck Yoongi in close without a word, and Yoongi just- He just allows it because-
Well.
Well, he really doesn't have to say it, does he?
Hoseok growls at other men- alphas - who stare at Yoongi in ways that make him uncomfortable. Yoongi may miss having sex, but not that much. Hoseok trails his fingers over Yoongi’s cheeks and periodically checks his expression, ruffles Yoongi’s bangs when they stick to his forehead with sweat. He rubs runny mascara and eyeliner from Yoongi’s eyes with his thumbs without a word. He makes Yoongi feel pretty without saying a word.
Hoseok is so perceptive. He’s so attentive. He always makes Yoongi feel special. And that’s a problem.
It's such a huge fucking problem, because Yoongi wants to be laid, and it's hard to get laid when you're an omega that reeks of another alpha's scent. What kind of alpha would want to bed an omega that already smells half-way mated? It’s ridiculous. Yoongi is at wits' end.
He wonders if moving to a different country would solve his problem. He often wonders if moving- like, moving into his own apartment, alone - would solve his problem, too.
In the end, he reasons with himself and says even if he tried to move, Hoseok would still probably follow him, and the cycle would continue to rinse, wash, and repeat. And Yoongi is too weak to tell Hoseok to not follow him, because that would be sort of rude, and Hoseok is easy to make sad.
Hoseok has the same energy as a sopping wet kitten drenched in milk when he’s upset. He is pathetic in a way that makes Yoongi want to hold him and wrap him in big, dry towels like a sad little sandwich wrap. Hoseok is an alpha, yes, but more importantly, he is also a pathetic loser whose feelings often get hurt. Thus, Yoongi doesn’t like making Hoseok sad. His mouth turns into an acute triangle when he’s sad, and Yoongi has always hated geometry. (He is lying. He loves math, but he hates triangles when they indicate when Hoseok is upset. Hoseok being upset is akin to a cardinal sin in Yoongi’s book of rules.)
(He follows this book closely. Very closely.)
Nonetheless. Yoongi is touch-starved. He is horny. He doesn’t know what exactly he should be doing with himself. This is precisely why when Jimin asks him to go clubbing- like, just the two of them- he cannot find it in himself to say no.
Maybe this is the break he needs? Not that he needs a break from Hoseok, or anything, but-
Okay. Maybe he does need a break from Hoseok.
Hoseok doesn’t have to know Jimin invited him out, anyways.
He’s a grown man. He doesn’t need to ask for approval from anyone. But somehow, deep down, he knows that if Hoseok knew what he was planning to do, he wouldn’t be too ecstatic about it. Yoongi thinks he wouldn’t be necessarily disappointed, but he would be consumed by extreme worry. Yoongi doesn’t know how Hoseok functions, sometimes. He doesn’t worry as much as the alpha does, and he is on three types of stabilizing medications. Hoseok is more than a worrier. He might have a problem. He had once trailed Namjoon when he planned to meet up with someone from a dating app in-person because he had been so worried. He takes it to the extreme.
Yoongi has the feeling that if Hoseok knew he was trying to look for a hook-up at a club with Jimin, he’d have a heart-attack and die. This is why Yoongi does not plan on telling him anything. What the alpha does not know will not kill him. Hoseok doesn’t have to go out with Yoongi every single time. He can take care of himself.
Plus, it might be nice- you know, to get over his feelings, too? Like, it has been so long since Yoongi had thought of anyone who wasn’t Hoseok. It might be nice to meet someone new and attractive and maybe go on a few dates. Yoongi is not getting any younger. He thinks it might be nice to finally settle down.
He cannot live in a two-bedroom matchbox apartment with Hoseok for the rest of his life. He just can’t.
So, he goes out.
He lets Jimin doll him up- he lets him curl his hair and smudge dark eyeliner into the waterline of his eyes, lets him do his make-up all smokey and pretty. He lets Jimin drape him in borrowed silver and gold, lets him slide rings onto his fingers and clasp bracelets around his wrists. Jimin dresses him in dark colors- a sheer, murky green blouse that reminds Yoongi of moss, or of algae. When he tells Jimin this, he doesn’t look too amused. He just tells him to shut up.
In the end, Yoongi can barely recognize himself- which was the point, you know, of letting Jimin work his black magic make-over skills. It’s amazing. There is not way he is not going to get hit on tonight.
The best part is that Hoseok won’t be there to cock-block him.
He can practically taste victory.
__
Jimin’s club of choice is called Honey Boys.
Because of course it is called that.
When the bouncer waves them in, finally, Jimin slithers off to slot himself between two bigger men, immediately catching the bartender’s attention. Yoongi finds himself trailing behind him, feeling a little lost. A lot of the people around him are a lot younger than he is. He didn’t particularly think about that beforehand, but it’s obvious with the sheer amount of people packed on the dancefloor. Yoongi finds that people his age have weaker knees. Yoongi knows himself well, and he knows he was only able to move that way maybe ten-or-so years ago.
He wonders if just sitting and looking pretty at the bar will attract any willing alpha suitors. That would work, right?
Jimin orders a drink each for the two of them, and Yoongi feels Jimin’s hand slip back into his own when the two of them brush up together again. He doesn’t mind. It’s quite crowded, and the last thing Yoongi wants to do right now is lose Jimin before he feels comfortable enough to maybe, what? Flirt? Find a guy to maybe sway around with on the floor?
Yoongi feels a little ridiculous, but in a refreshing way. Superfluousity had never felt this fun before.
“Are you having fun yet, hyungie?”
“I’ll get back to you on that in maybe thirty minutes. Let’s see if hyung still can catch an alpha’s attention.”
“What?” Jimin’s laugh sounds startled, somehow.
“You heard me. I’m getting railed tonight. Kissed, at the very least.”
Jimin’s eyes are wide. “Yoongi-hyung, what-?”
Yoongi leans in close. The atmosphere is loud, and it’s hard to focus, but he feels brazen. “Jimin-ah, Hoseok isn’t here to cockblock me. The world is my oyster.”
Jimin takes a very, very long sip of his drink. “I’m not drunk enough for this right now. You can do whatever you want, hyung.”
“Thank you, Jimin-ah.” Yoongi smacks his lips. He reapplies his lip balm generously. “Now, if you would excuse me, I’m going to go find the largest and most virile alpha who is willing to fuck me in the bathroom.”
“You do you, babe.” Jimin repeats, but he sounds distracted.
Yoongi doesn’t care though. He is on a mission.
__
Hyung. Hobi-hyung.
I’m out clubbing with Yoongi-hyung
Why is he looking for a hook-up?
I thought you two were like, courting at the very least.
Mated at the very most.
I am courting him. Where are you guys lol
[location]
I’ll be there in twenty minutes.
I am so incredibly confused. I’ll keep him distracted.
No, just let him do his thing. I’m leaving right now.
i love you, drive safely!!!
__
As predicted, it doesn’t take long for Yoongi to find who he is looking for.
His name is Hoseok. No, it’s not what it looks like, he swears. This Hoseok is completely unrelated to the other Hoseok. Like, this Hoseok looks as if he could lift a car with one arm, and then punt said car without breaking a sweat. Yoongi’s best friend Hoseok can’t even open a pickle jar on most days.
He finds him close to the bathroom, scrolling away on his cellphone.
The conversation goes like this:
“Hey. I’m Yoongi.”
“Hoseok.”
“What?” Yoongi fears he’s hearing things.
“My name. It’s Hoseok.”
“Oh ,” Yoongi tries to save himself. “Hoseok is good name. I like it. Very alpha.”
“Yeah.”
“So. Hoseok. What are you doing tonight?”
“I’m waiting in line to piss right now.”
Yoongi sees it. This is his moment. He’s going for it.
“Is that all you’re interested in doing in there?”
He’s sweating. He can feel it dripping down his brow.
New Hoseok quirks an eyebrow at him. “What?”
That was not his moment apparently. Yoongi back-tracks. He flutters his eyelashes, and tries to make himself look small.
Yes, perfect technique. Incredible form.
“Don’t you think I’m pretty, Hoseok?”
Suddenly- very suddenly- there is a hand on his shoulder. He flinches.
“Yes, hyung,” Hoseok Hoseok’s voice is nearly a growl, “I do think you are pretty. Who the fuck is this guy?”
Yoongi flounders.
“Hi, I’m Hoseok.” The guy offers.
Hoseok Hoseok bristles. His head whips back to Yoongi.
“What the fuck are you doing, hyung?” He whisper-yells.
“I am trying to get railed.” The irritation is starting to leak into Yoongi’s scent, “What the fuck are you doing here?”
“That’s not- That’s not a good fucking answer! Who is this guy?”
“I’m Hoseok,” New Hoseok offers again.
“Yeah, he’s Hoseok.” Yoongi confirms.
“Of all the men you choose to cheat on me with,” Hoseok’s tone is dark, “You choose to do it with another guy named Hoseok?”
“Your name is Hoseok too?” New Hoseok asks at the same moment Yoongi repeats “Cheat?”
“Yes! Cheat! Because that is what you are doing right now!”
Yoongi can’t help it. He laughs. It’s an ugly laugh, too. He’s pretty sure he spit on one of the Hoseoks at one point, but he can’t bring himself to care too much.
Cheat. Hoseok thinks he’s cheating.
“It’s been fun and all, but I have to piss.” The other Hoseok says, and Hoseok Hoseok’s focus on Yoongi breaks for a second just to bare his teeth at him.
Yoongi can’t recover. He’s still laughing. He can barely breathe. “On what grounds am I cheating?”
“All possible grounds? What the fuck, hyung? Is this a joke to you? Are you trying to break my heart right now?”
“Not really. I’m so confused right now.” Yoongi admits.
“This is not funny!” Hoseok hisses, indignantly.
“It kind of is. How am I cheating? Please explain this to me in great detail.”
“What do you mean? I have been courting you for the past eight years!”
“Now that,” Yoongi’s hysterical laugh is bubbling up again. Hoseok is starting to look like he thinks he’s insane, or something. It’s all very funny. “- is NEWS to me, because what the actual fuck, Hoseok-ah? Do you realize how crazy this sounds?”
“NO? I have literally been courting you for years. This is not a joke to me. I love you.” Somehow, the alpha sounds heart-broken.
“This is fucking insane. Where is Jimin?”
“Hyung, you cannot be serious right now. You didn’t know I was courting you? You accepted every single gift!”
“You never said anything to me about this!”
“I didn’t know I had to, it was obvious!”
Yoongi doesn’t say anything. He just stares at Hoseok.
“Okay. Maybe it was not obvious.” Hoseok mumbles.
“You sound crazy.” Yoongi states. “Just- Go. Get out of my sight. I do not want to deal with you right now.”
“Hyung.” Hoseok sounds like he’s about to cry, or something.
“You can’t just play with me like that!” Yoongi feels the tears starting to pebble. “You can’t do that to me!”
“I never played with you,” Hoseok is crying too, now.
They are both crying outside the bathroom in a stupid, loud club.
“Yes, you did! You can’t just say you love me. You can’t.” Yoongi’s voice is wet.
“But it’s true. I do love you. Can we start-over?”
“What?”
“Can I court you for real? Like, with intention?”
“Huh?”
“Hyung, I love you. Do you love me?”
“Yes,” Yoongi wails.
“Okay, then we’ll start over. I promise. You don’t have to find a hook-up, or whatever. I’ve got you.”
If Yoongi is anything, he is a sucker. He falls into Hoseok’s arms without another thought, because of course he does.
“Okay.” He mumbles into the Alpha’s neck.