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“You know the distance never made a difference to me.”
Even after all these years Gojo Satoru, the strongest man alive to date, still cared about his one and only best friend. Geto Suguru. The name now a taboo topic to the white-haired man.
“ I swam a lake of fire, I'd have walked across the floor of any sea..”
Satoru would’ve dropped everything just to have that same warm youth again. For all anyone knew, Satoru would’ve destroyed and created a world just so Suguru could laugh from the bottom of his heart. Satoru would’ve chosen Suguru, time and time again.
“Ignored the vastness between all that can be seen, and all that we believe.”
Had he been given a chance Satoru would’ve done anything to keep Suguru’s warm embrace. But it had already been too late. The things that happened in his second year had already done their deed and there was no fixing this. Satoru knew this.
Deep in his soul, he knew that even if he had turned back time, again, and again. He could not fix what had already been broken for a long time.
“So I thought you were like an angel to me.”
Geto Suguru showed him warmth. Sweet and loving warmth that wraps around you and makes you feel all fuzzy and happy inside. And in the next year, he ripped that same warmth out of Satoru’s hand. The memories of when he was 17 still haunt him to this day. And it will continue to haunt him until the day he dies.
“Funny how true colors shine in darkness and in secrecy.
There Satoru stood. Unmoving, staring at his best friend. His best friend, who was now considered a criminal. His best friend, who had given him his first and last warm spring of youth.
“If there were scarlet flags, they washed out in the mind of mе.”
“Explain yourself… Suguru.” Satoru spat out between gritted teeth. His eyes stared into the soul of the man who he had considered his one and only, best friend.
“Where a blindin' light shone on you еvery night, and either side of my sleep.”
Suguru raised an eyebrow at the other man. “Didn’t you hear from Shouko?” He asked. “There’s not much else to it.” They stared at each other as an unspoken conversation takes place. Suguru could almost hear Satoru’s internal thoughts.
‘Why?’ ‘Why?’ ‘Why?’ ‘Why?’ ‘Why?’ ‘Why?’
“Where you were held frozen like an angel to me…”
Suguru knew this would break Satoru. But he had to do it. He had to. Right? Even if he wanted to go back, there was no longer a place for him to return to.
Well… There was one place he could always return to, but he couldn’t do it to him. He simply couldn’t. He knew Satoru would drop everything and run to him if he asked. He knew Satoru would find a way to get Suguru out of punishment for the massacre he created. He knew Satoru would do anything and everything he could if Suguru merely looked at him and asked.
“It ain't the being alone (Sha-la-la)”
But he couldn’t. He wouldn’t. He wouldn’t make Satoru throw away his future just for him. He simply couldn’t. So, pushing all his emotions and feelings down into the depths of his soul he stood his ground.
“It ain't the empty home, baby (Sha-la-la)”
“Why?” Satoru asks. His words not rising above a whisper. He almost didn’t catch it. Suguru sighs, “Because I knew that if I let you choose. You’d choose me without skipping a beat.” He frowns as he looks at Satoru. “And I couldn’t let you throw your life away, for me. I just couldn’t…”
“So you chose for me?”
“Yeah. I’m sorry- ”
“Don’t you fucking say you’re sorry. Don’t you dare feel guilty you asshole.” Satoru barked out. Venom present in his words. His eyebrows furrowed. His expression showed fury, trying to mask his breaking heart.
But if you listen closely, you can almost hear the sounds of two souls breaking and shattering on the floor.
“You know I'm good on my own (Sha-la-la)”
Suguru looked at Satoru. Pity present at his friend’s misfortune and breaking heart. He knew he had no right to feel guilty. He knew that, trust me he did. But that doesn’t make it any more heartbreaking than it already was to watch your one and only best friend break because of your actions.
“Sha-la-la, baby, you know, it's more the being unknown.”
“No fucking way that’s gonna work.” Satoru spoke up. “Trying dumb stuff that you know doesn’t work…” He pauses thinking about Suguru’s plan to remove non-shamans from the very Earth they both preached to protect not too long ago. “Is as meaningless as it gets!!!” He says exasperated.
“So much of the livin', love, is the being unknown.”
Suguru raised his eyebrow at Satoru. “That’s pretty arrogant.” Satoru’s eyes widen.
“You called me angel for the first time, my heart leapt from me.”
“What?” Satoru asked quietly. Almost as if he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear Suguru’s reasoning. As if he was scared that the more, they spoke the larger the drift between them became. Scared he would lose his one and only best friend.
“You smile now, I can see its pieces still stuck in your teeth.”
‘When was the last time Satoru saw Suguru smile? Not the normal smile he always gave, but a true one. Had he ever even given him such a smile?’ Satoru pondered. His heart was racing in his throat. He felt like he was choking. Unable to speak. Unable to breathe. Like a weight was being put on his chest.
“And what's left of it, I listen to it tick.”
“It’s possible for you, right?” Suguru asked. “Satoru.” He added, bringing the white-haired boy out of his thoughts. Suguru stared blankly at him. As if they hadn’t spent their youth together. As if they hadn’t gone through what they went through, together. As if Satoru meant nothing to him.
“Every tedious beat, going unknown as an angel to me.”
Suguru studied Satoru’s face. Every feature, the way his lips quivered, his eyes widened, his hands shook slightly. Had they not been together for 3 years, he wouldn’t have caught every detail he caught. “If it’s possible for you…” He started, taking a pause that made Satoru feel as if his heart was being ripped out with every word. “Can you really go around telling people that ‘it’s impossible’?” He asked. Tilting his head slowly.
“Do you know I could break beneath the weight?”
Suguru’s eyes stared into Satoru. Almost as if he was staring into his soul, his heart. “Are you the strongest because you’re Gojo Satoru?” He asked. Satoru hanging onto every word, almost knowing it would be the last words he would hear come out of Suguru’s mouth.
“Of the goodness, love, I still carry for you…”
“Or are you Gojo Satoru because you’re the strongest?” Satoru’s breath hitches. He can’t breathe. He can’t think. He can’t move. All he could do was stare as his friend; his best friend walked away from his life. From him.
“That I'd walk so far just to take the injury of finally knowin' you.”
The very man who made him feel human. Made him feel like a person. Someone beyond his powers was now asking him this. Was asking him if he was strong because of who he was or if he was himself because of his strength.
“It ain't the being alone (Sha-la-la)”
“The hell are you saying?” Satoru asked. His eyebrows furrowed in pain. Trying to mask how heavy his heart felt, how heavy his whole body felt.
“It ain't the empty home, baby (Sha-la-la)”
“I’ve decided how I want to live,” Suguru spoke softly. “So now I’ll just do what I can for the sake of it.” He stated. Making Satoru's worst fear come true. His best friend was leaving. The man who showed him love and friendship was leaving, as if the years they spent together meant nothing. 'Was it all a lie? Were you ever happy when you were with me?' Satoru's mind raced as he took in every word Suguru was saying.
“You know I'm good on my own (Sha-la-la)”
They would be good on their own. Eventually, that is. In a few years’ time, they would’ve built their lives forgetting each other the best they could. They had already been alone this entire time. Without noticing, during their 3rd year, they had already been going their different ways. They had already started to live without one another. So they would be fine, whether they wanted to or not.
“Sha-la-la, baby, you know, it's more the being unknown.”
Satoru got ready to release his technique. His arms raised, ready to strike down his best friend. “Kill me if you want.” Suguru spoke coldly as he turned around to walk away. He stopped and turned his head to look at Satoru one last time. “There’s meaning to that.” He said as he walked away. Satoru lowered his hand in defeat. He couldn’t. He just couldn’t do it. How could he? Suguru was the one person who taught him his powers weren’t the only thing that defined him. He taught Satoru warmth. How could he just kill him?
“And there are some people, love, who are better unknown.”
It’s just that, in this world. As long as Gojo Satoru lived and breathed, Geto Suguru would not be able to laugh from the bottom of his heart. In this world, they were both doomed. Suguru is doomed to repeat the same cycle.
Exorcise. Absorb. Exorcise. Absorb. Exorcise. Absorb.
Over and over and over again.
Satoru was doomed to feel warmth, to know what could’ve been. But, to never acquire it. Doomed to know what warmth feels like only to never have it again.
In this world, they were doomed from the start. Maybe in the next life, they could both feel warmth and laugh from the bottom of their heart and soul. Be truly happy. Together.
Just, not in this one.