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The thing about seemingly getting what you want after years of yearning and pining and aching is that it’s easier to be in denial about it—to be wary about it, to not take it seriously. Well, that’s how it is for Renjun, or so he believes.
In the years that he let flourish feelings for Mark, watering them in a garden he himself has carefully cultivated, he was content in tending them all on his own. Over time, he has come to terms with the fact that Mark would always be faraway, out of reach, someone who could sit next to him and hold him and still feel unreachable.
But something shifted somewhere along the way. Suddenly, it was different from what he was very much used to. It’s been different for the past two years and counting, and Renjun wonders why it feels easier to brush it all off. He tells himself it’s something about Mark getting over his angsty teenager self, becoming more mature, that he’s just appreciating everyone around him more, that he probably perceives the world and the people close to him differently now, better. He hopes that that’s simply the case. Something that can be attributed to one’s growth.
When Mark puts his arm around him now, it feels different. When Mark holds him now, it feels like it means something more than what it used to– it used to mean nothing . Sometimes, Renjun feels like he’s allowed to let it mean something but he bites it down, tries not to let it get the better of him. He reminds himself that he spent years just to numb down the gnawing pain in his chest every time he looked at Mark and Mark pretended not to notice him.
Renjun thought that these waves of overwhelming affection from Mark would eventually pass, that sooner or later Mark would no longer hold him as if he’s fighting for his life, that soon Mark would stop looking at him as if he’s seeing him for the first time, that if he gives it time, Mark would go back to how he used to be with Renjun. He thinks it might be simply about the group, the certainty of them being together for a long time doing what they love and that maybe Mark is simply happy just to be here again, the 7 of them all together. Maybe Mark is making up for lost time, maybe he wants to be a better leader to which Renjun argues with himself in his head, that Mark is already everything they could ask for in a leader. He wants to make it make sense or more like, he wants to manage his expectations, he wants for it to not hurt, when he suddenly loses whatever novelty Mark sees in him to want to be all over him whenever possible these past couple of years.
They’re lounging in the practice room, having a break from doing the same routine for the entire afternoon, when Mark sidles up to Renjun on the couch, pressing his entire body onto his, resting his head in the crook of his neck as he says quietly, “Junnie, I’ve missed you.”
Renjun smiles to himself, tries to pretend to himself that this doesn’t make him feel anything. So he tries to be casual, nonchalant, as normal about this as possible. “We’ve been together since this morning.”
“Still, it’s different.. haven’t had you to myself lately.” Mark whispers as he tries to burrow even closer to him, as if it’s a little secret he has, and he’s letting Renjun be privy to it.
That’s the thing . Mark spends a lot of time with all of them, together and separately. So he thinks that’s just how it is, that maybe Mark simply rations out his time for all of them. Renjun knows it’s strange to even think that–-that Mark is doing this out of obligation rather than out of pure affection. He knows Mark holds all of them dear and that is something unchanging in him. Renjun for as long as he knew Mark, wanted Mark to hold him a bit dearer than others. It was a silly little fantasy back then, to think that Mark would someday see him differently, that soon enough, if he wished for it harder, Mark would come around.
What is yearning if not an attempt in futility? Something that seems fruitless but at the same time, the end-all and be-all. So Renjun persists. Still, he yearns. Still, he chases for that feeling that makes him feel the most alive.
In the years he’s known Mark, he’s watched him fall for so many people but never him. He wished, hoped, even prayed to the universe for Mark to even spare him a glance, to feel even the tiniest fraction of what he feels for him, to just see him as someone more than a bandmate or friend. To put it simply, he wants Mark to look at him.
He survived off of scraps of attention from Mark. One lingering glance became reason for him to continue pining, a touch on the small of his back as they’re finding their way out of the practice room was enough to keep him aching for him.
But now, now that Mark is actually looking at him the way he wants him to, it feels too much, like it was more than everything he could bargain for, because how could this be real, how could this happen in the same lifetime where he thought he would spend most of pining for Mark and the rest of it getting over him.
“ Hyung , I can’t breathe.” Renjun says quietly because 1, it’s true, Mark is crushing him with his weight, 2, it’s getting harder to breathe thinking about what this means to Mark.
Mark doesn’t let him go without pulling him into a hug and squeezing him until he’s satisfied. “Go somewhere with me this weekend,” He says, quietly enough so only he can hear. It’s not a question, it’s as if Mark knows he’ll already say yes, that to him, he would always say yes.
“Where?” Renjun tries hard not to roll his eyes.
“Just say yes, you’ll see.” Mark says with a knowing smile.
“Okay, whatever.” Renjun bites back a smile but Mark catches it and goes to hold his face in his hands with a fondness in his face that Renjun only came to notice to be there these last couple of years.
Renjun spends the better part of the rest of the week trying not to think too hard about what Mark is on about. A part of him tells him, it’s a date. Another part tells him, it’s nothing, don’t set yourself up for disappointment.
He thinks of employing of Jeno’s help, because he’s the most sensible when it comes to enduring crushes or first loves or whatever, and probably because he was there to see Renjun shamelessly pine in secret without ever teasing him for it. Donghyuck is a different conversation, lately he’s been speaking in code with Renjun, as if he knows something about Mark that he doesn’t know. He would say “You’ll see soon enough, Renjunnie,” loud enough for everyone to hear everytime Mark coos at anything Renjun does.
Jaemin is Jaemin. And he’s trying not to get an earful from Chenle, something about doing something about it, it’s useless if you don’t do anything about it and just whine to me about it over and over. And Jisung? He doesn’t want to make Jisung sad anymore.
So he keeps quiet. He’ll tell them eventually, if something would happen, not that he’s expecting something to happen.
Saturday comes and it’s a bit gloomy, it’s the middle of June after all, but Renjun doesn’t take it as a sign, as much as the weather easily affects his mood. Mark arrives at their dorm at around 8 in the morning, too early for any of them.
Jaemin whines about wanting to go too, that Mark didn’t ask the rest of them if they had plans but he easily lets it go and gives Renjun a knowing smile when he goes out of his room when he finally finishes getting ready. Mark lights up at the sight of him but Renjun doesn’t give it much thought, he’s probably just in a good mood he thinks.
“Let’s go?” Mark asks him with a blinding smile. He nods, lets Mark lead the way.
They take the train to Busan. Mark still isn’t telling him where exactly they would be going. He only finds out where they’re headed when he bought tickets for the two of them.
They sit side by side, both of them wary about people around them. It isn’t like years back when they could go out easily, without too much fear of being recognized but it’s different now. And somehow it makes Renjun feel a bit giddy, as if he gets to keep this from the rest of the world, he gets to keep Mark like this from everyone else.
When they get off the station, they head to a place Mark obviously knows to get lunch.
“I know you’ve been wanting seafood stew lately, so I think you’ll like it here.”
Renjun asks himself, how could he stop himself from wishing more with Mark if he was like this? If he always made sure to let Renjun know that he is looking at him, that he is paying attention to him without having to ask him. That’s also one thing about this–having Mark let him feel that he’s looking at no one else when he’s in the same room as him. It’s something he still needs to get used to.
They eat comfortably, Mark telling him stories about going to Busan when he was still a trainee. Renjun wants to tell him he wishes he could’ve met him a bit sooner, just so he could say he’s already known him for a third of his life–he’s already been loving him for a third of his life.
After lunch, they take a quick cab ride to the museum. Mark says he looked up the exhibitions ongoing and thinks Renjun would enjoy them. He catches Mark looking at him while smiling to himself. Renjun doesn’t question him for it, he basks in it, tries to feel good about it.
When they arrive, they look at the installations and at each other, taking turns to appreciate what’s in front of them and what’s beside them. This is easy, Renjun thinks, to do what he loves with the person he knows he loves–the person who knows what he loves (he hopes).
When they feel like they’ve managed to see everything they wanted, they make a short walk to their next destination which he finds out is the Busan Cinema Center. It makes sense, Renjun thinks, because Mark’s making a big fuzz about watching movies lately, something about needing to have time to always watch them.
“They have outdoor screenings every weekend, for today they’re showing this Hong Kong film that I’ve heard is really good.”
Renjun nods and he wants to tell Mark he’s grateful for this and that he wants this to be something they could do together all the time.
“Are you tired already?” Mark teases him when they settle down in their seats. He just shakes his head and smiles at him, and doesn't say anything more for fear of getting ahead of himself.
The film is a bit sad but it’s beautiful, every scene of it, and somewhere along watching, Mark reached out to hold his hand. Renjun lets him, squeezes his hand as if to say he’ll be with him in the happy stories and the bad ones.
Mark is too quiet when the film is done and when they walk towards the bus stop from which they’ll ride going back to the station, he only presses his body close to Renjun.
Renjun wonders what he’s thinking, if it’s something along the lines of wanting more of this, of him wanting this too as much as he does. And the only way to know is to ask him.
“Hey, hyung , what is this?” Renjun asks, trying to vaguely gesture to the two of them.
Mark raises his eyebrows, obviously not getting what Renjun is trying to get across, “Hmm, what do you mean?”
“This? Us going here?”
“Well, I thought we deserved a nice weekend together. A fun date, I mean, our schedules haven’t been kind to us at all lately, so I guess I just wanted to take you out.”
Renjun has stopped registering everything Mark was saying after the word date. He thinks he’s gonna explode any minute now. This is a date according to Mark. Because of course, it was obviously a date like how Mark intended it to be, a date like how he wanted it to be.
He’s lost in thought when he realized that Mark was looking expectantly at him, seemingly waiting for a response but the best he could do was, “A date?”
“Yeah, Junnie, a date. I thought that much was obvious when I asked you to go out with me today.”
“I’m dumb.” Renjun says with a pout to which Mark’s gaze suddenly softens.
“You’re not, come here.” Mark takes him into his arms and hugs him tight.
“I didn’t think.. I didn’t think this was like that. But I wanted it to be like that.” Renjun’s voice comes out muffled, his face smushed against Mark’s shoulder.
“It is like that, if you want it to be like that.” Mark says thoughtfully. And Renjun understands, more than what he puts into words. That yes, he’s finally allowed to let this mean more than what it seems to be because it exactly means what he wants it to be.
He melts into Mark’s embrace, like how he usually does. He takes in his warmth, all the warmth he can give and returns to him everything he has to give, everything he’s willing to give. He hopes that his touch could tell Mark just that right now.
Mark holds his hand on the train ride home. Renjun wants to tell him everything, what he hopes for, what he fears, how long has he loved Mark and resented himself for it, how he wants to stop resenting himself for it now. He wants to tell him how he pined and ached for years, how he didn’t think this would happen, how it didn’t feel possible to love Mark and be loved back by him in the same lifetime when he was convinced that his singular yearning was already the endpoint of what he has with Mark.
But they’ll have time for that later. He knows Mark will have time for everything he wants to do with him.
They get back to the dorm at almost midnight with Mark not showing any plans to go home to theirs. Everyone is asleep so they both quietly creep into his room.
They both keep quiet, only exchanging soft smiles as they talk about needing to shower before going to bed. Renjun doesn’t ask Mark if he’s spending the night or where he’ll be sleeping because he knows he doesn’t have to.
When they’re both done, they settle into Renjun’s bed, Mark cuddling him without preamble or question. Renjun simply accepts this as it is, something he needs to do more if he wants this to work. And he knows he wants this to work.
It’s Mark who breaks the silence, voice soft and raw, “This is whatever you want it to be.”
“I want to be with you.” Renjun’s answer comes easy, pressing his face against Mark’s chest, trying to feel his heartbeat.
Mark hums, giggling softly which Renjun
“I want that too. I want that a lot.”
Renjun doesn’t answer, only holds onto Mark even tighter and lets the image of a future with them together lull him to sleep.
When he wakes up, Mark is still there beside him, holding him, and Renjun thinks, maybe this isn’t so bad, maybe I could learn to get used to this, maybe it’s time to stop denying myself of things that I know I want, things I’ve badly wanted for years now.
Someone once told him that being able to touch something means you can’t get any closer but Renjun thinks that he wants to challenge that, that with Mark, he wants to get close to him as is cosmically possible.
Mark finally stirs, he holds him tighter against him, and whispers to him, “Sorry, I didn’t come around sooner.”
Renjun smiles to himself, suddenly feeling dazed from the idea that he’s finally hearing things he’s wanted to hear for so long.
“I know how you felt then. I should’ve talked to you about it. I was too scared.”
“Scared of what?”
“Scared of owning up to my feelings when I wasn’t sure if I could actually give myself what I wanted or what you wanted.” Mark said looking down, afraid to meet his eyes.
“I want anything if it’s with you.” Renjun says and he means it.
For the longest time, all Renjun knew was to want . He holds this want very dear to him, let this be the thing that defines him, that drives him to move forward. And he didn’t fault himself for it, thinks that it was necessary and that in wanting he was able to know more about himself, about how much he’s capable of, about how willing he was to continue to want even if it means choosing to be miserable in the process.
It makes sense now for Renjun–that every longing stare, every lingering touch, every soul-crushing embrace meant something–something about Mark wanting to close in whatever gap that was between them when Mark was still too scared of everything that was possible between them.
Renjun wants to tell Mark that he understands and he wants to be kinder to himself, kinder in a way that he is finally embracing the matter at hand: that Mark is genuine and sincere and this isn’t something that’s temporary.
Finally, finally, Renjun thinks, this yearning can no longer be his own alone.
Mark shifts so they’re facing each other while laying on their sides, with his arm wrapped around his waist. It’s too close, Renjun thinks, but he wants more. So he inches a bit closer, so close that he can already count Mark’s lashes. He closes his eyes, waiting for contact. Mark’s lips are soft and gentle on his own. The kiss is quick but it lingers on Renjun, as if it’s a promise.
He holds Mark tight, wanting to tell him through his touch that he wants this, all of it, that he’s wanted this for as long as he can remember.
There’s a loud banging on his door and he tries to break apart from Mark but Mark doesn’t let him, whispers something about they’ll get tired of knocking soon. But of course, they know they won’t so it’s only a few seconds later when Jisung finally opens the door, with everyone else behind him with inquisitive looks on their faces, which is surprising since it’s early morning on a Sunday.
Renjun isn’t surprised that Chenle and Donghyuck are also here. They must have conspired to do something and that something is confirmed when Donghyuck is suddenly shouting from outside his room, “Now you see it, Renjunnie!” The rest of them are just too loud, Renjun unable to make out what they’re saying but they seem to all be happy. He is, too.
Mark doesn’t let go of him, doesn’t even turn to look at them, only pulls Renjun closer to him and presses a kiss on his forehead which earns them some obnoxious-sounding cheers. Jisung audibly sighs and simply proceeds to close his door. Renjun thinks he’ll face all of them later, mentally preparing himself for all the teasing and nagging, but he knows he’ll live.
He cups Mark’s cheek and kisses him once more, deeper this time, a culmination of his longing, the sublimation point in which his desire is suddenly out there in the open for Mark to clearly see and grasp–to feel, to comprehend. Another way of solid to gas, the tangibility of his emotions as if turning into air not because it’s not there anymore but because he knows he can never be whole without what he feels for Mark. Now, he’s here, seeing his desire returned to him.
Renjun argues that him trying to convince himself that whatever Mark was feeling about him was simply going to pass soon was just a way for him to save himself from more pain. He spent so long thinking that it was simply in vain to imagine a future with Mark and to have that future suddenly become real in front of him was something he couldn’t grasp easily. He used to think it was enough to simply want in this lifetime, that he’d have more in the next.
He didn’t think he’d have this much and more in this lifetime.
Renjun looks at Mark and thinks, in this life where it feels like all he knows is to want him and everything that comes with him, he feels he’s sure that even in another lifetime, he’d want him all the same.