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“I’m not sure what the fuck to do anymore,” Chris stared at his shoes and took a hard drag of his cigarette. “This is just the way things have to be right now.”
Ian taped his pack against his thigh and raised it to his mouth, pulling out a single cigarette. “Pass me that lighter,” he gestured towards Chris. “What do you mean?”
Chris scratched at the back of his head and took a few more drags. “You know how Jamie is, we’ve basically been together for the last year but he’s never going to come out.”
Ian looked up with a knowing expression. He and Chris had been friends for months after an especially long stint in lunch detention, they’d got to talking. Chris was moderately more out than Ian was and they quickly discovered that it was nice to have someone else to talk to-Lip just didn’t get it and it wasn’t like Mickey was down to have any serious conversations about being gay on the Southside.
Chris had let it slip that he’d been seeing Jamie during a particularly rough afternoon. He and Ian had passed a flask back and forth under the south gym awning, both pretty much fried by shitty teachers and home stress.
Jamie was also a sophomore but already playing varsity baseball. He’d threatened to kick the shit out of Ian a few times, but Ian had always suspected that he might be fronting. Chris knew Ian was a safe audience and had confided in him one day when Jamie had gotten pissed and threw out his stuff, saying he was done with him and to stop texting. That had messed Chris up.
“I just wish things were different. I get why they’re not, but it’s starting to wear on me.” Ian understood, he really did. “That dude you’re seeing, he must be just as bad?” Ian looked up at that-he’d told Chris he was seeing someone who was still on the down low but made a point to keep all the details out.
“What do you mean?” Ian wasn’t sure what he was getting at.
“We got past Jamie freaking out in general and losing his shit if I text him first, but he still has to be rolling to even touch me. Seriously, he’s doing so much E that I’ve honestly been a little worried about him. It fucking kills me that he has to be high for us to be together," Chris ground his cigarette under his boot.
Ian stared, mouth open. “Damn dude, that’s brutal.”
“I know, that’s what I’m saying. He and I both know he’s gay, it’s not like rolling is making him forget. But he just can’t get over the bullshit without it. It fucking sucks, ya know?”
“Yeah, I know,” Ian said softly, but he didn’t and he hadn’t realized it.
…
On his walk home, Ian couldn’t shake the conversation. The El rattled by overhead and drowned out the crunch of his boots. He was frustrated with Mickey a lot, most of the time really. Mickey flipped his shit anytime Ian so much as touched him “too gay” whatever that meant. He’d stopped trying to kiss him months ago, he almost never asked to fuck face to face, hell he was cautious about how many times he’d touched Mickey’s neck in the last week.
But it struck him that despite how intensely closeted Mickey was, Ian still knew he was wanted. Mickey wasn’t shy about how much he enjoyed sex when it came to Ian. As long they were totally alone, Mickey was all enthusiasm. He spent half their work shifts making innuendo and wiggling his eyebrows trying to convince Ian to flip the sign and haul him to the cooler. Even though he spent most of his effort trying not to let noises slip, he still rode Ian until they were both sweating despite the cold air of the fridge.
Ian knew Mickey had never needed to be high to get with him. That thought struck him hard. Even as hard as things were, they were never that hard. Mickey was afraid of his dad, which was a realistic fear. He was protective of his dangerous reputation. Fuck, Ian sort of figured part of it was Mickey had no idea how to feel wanted.
Ian pulled out his phone and flipped it open, the dim light making his face glow in the dying sunlight and typed out a message.
[6:42pm] What are you up to?
[6:43pm] wht u mean, wht am i up to?
[6:44pm] y u wanna do something ?
Ian smiled at his phone in a way he knew Mickey would give him hell for.
[6:45pm] wtf galagher
[6:46pm] I'm not ready to go home. Wanna walk up north with me?
[6:48pm] where r u now?
[6:48pm] Just passed that Ramen place on Canal.
[6:49pm] stay there, ill be there in 10
Ian slumped down a bench and flipped through his read texts. He opened up the last one from Chris.
[5:34pm] tnx for listening to me bullshit today. It helped
He still wasn't sure what to say but it felt wrong to say nothing.
[6:50pm] For sure, I'm sorry things are so hard right now.
His phone lit up immediately.
[6:51pm] 🤞🏼
Ian stowed his phone away in his jacket only for it to go off again. Expecting Chris, he dug it back out.
[6:51pm] ive got 10$ we can get tacos at that truck up on 18th
That smile crept back in.