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The first time Mello dreamt about Near, he was eight years old. Near had just arrived at the orphanage several days prior. He was extremely sick at the time; according to the rumours, he had been abandoned in the cold, and there was a good chance he would have died if Watari hadn’t found him when he did.
Mello had only seen him once from a distance, so his appearance in Mello’s dream was less like that of a fully formed human being and more like a white blob. He wasn’t exactly the subject of the dream. Rather, he was a mere presence in the infirmary, a wispy cloud almost perfectly camouflaged against the white of the infirmary beds. Mello came to visit the nurse after falling down the stairs, and he was told that she was too busy tending to Near’s health – or rather, ‘N’, as he was known then – to treat Mello’s injuries.
Perhaps it had been a metaphor for Mello’s deep-rooted fear of being neglected. Perhaps it was meaningless. Regardless, it was unlikely that the dream was in any way a premonition of Mello’s ultimate defeat. He couldn’t have possibly known that he would lose his number one spot in the ranks to Near. At the time, Near was just a temporary visitor. There was no reason for Mello to assume that he would stay.
Wammy’s House was a specialised institution specifically designed for genius children, to train them in the hopes that one might someday succeed L. Watari subjected the kids from all of his orphanages in the world to a rigorous testing process twice a year. Only those who displayed outstanding intelligence and problem-solving skills would be sent to Wammy’s House.
Near hadn’t gone through any of that. It just so happened that he was found in Winchester, so the closest place for Watari to bring him was Wammy’s House. Once his health improved, he would probably be sent to another orphanage where he would spend the foreseeable future, and Mello would never have to think about him again.
Except he wasn’t.
When he was close to a full recovery, Near escaped from the infirmary. His sudden disappearance sparked a mad panic amongst the staff, and the students were instructed to look out for him as they moved around the house. He was found around six hours after his absence was first noticed, on the floor in a corner of the library, with three advanced maths textbooks open to his left and surrounded by scattered sheets of paper.
In the span of those six hours, Near had solved hundreds of equations far above the standard expected from an average six-year-old, without making a single error. One round of entrance exams later, he became the newest addition to the Wammy’s House cohort, and quickly earned his place as the first-ranked student, usurping Mello’s precious throne.
There was a theory floating around the orphanage that Near was a robot created by Watari to be the perfect clone of L. That was why he spent so long in the infirmary; he was undergoing construction, which explained why no student was permitted to visit him. It was a ludicrous prospect, but one that apparently wormed its way into Mello’s subconscious, as evidenced by the second time Mello dreamt about Near.
The dream started with him walking past Near’s room one night, only to see that he had deactivated his human skin for the day. He looked exactly like the stereotypical robot, a metallic grey with a rectangular head, torso and limbs, gear-shaped hands and an antenna on his head. Mello rushed to share his shocking discovery with the other kids, but everyone accused him of lying out of jealousy for Near’s success.
After that, the dreams became increasingly more frequent. Many of them followed the same theme, with Near possessing some supernatural power in addition to his superior intellectual capabilities. One gave Near the ability to shapeshift, which he used to earn Mello a year’s worth of punishments by causing mischief under his identity. In another, Near could accurately predict the future, and foretold that he would become L's successor while Mello would forever be a failure.
Other dreams inserted the two of them into popular narratives from fairy tales or Greek mythology. Mello once dreamed that he was Sisyphus, repeatedly pushing a boulder up a steep hill, only to have it fall before he could reach the top. Every time he approached the summit, he would see Near standing there, flaunting that smug little smile of his, and the boulder would instantly slip out of Mello’s grasp.
By the time Mello left Wammy’s House, he could no longer count how many times Near had made an appearance in his dreams. It must have been in the hundreds, even thousands. He was dreaming about him almost every night – Near taunting him, Near sabotaging him, other kids crowding around to see Near’s score after an exam while Mello stared in misery at his own.
Once, while he was sleeping on the streets of London, he dreamt about returning to Wammy’s House. He dreamed that Near was there to welcome him, that Near hugged him when he arrived and told Mello how much he missed him. That was somehow more unnerving than any dream he’d had about Near mocking him.
Thankfully, the dreams slowed down to once a week, then once a fortnight, then once a month. As his geographical distance from Near expanded, the mental distance followed the same pattern. He wasn’t forced to see Near every day, nor was he faced with constant reminders of Near’s intellectual superiority, so his brain space quickly became cluttered with other matters. The few times Near did make an appearance in Mello’s dreams, he rarely played an antagonistic role, instead often appearing as a figure in the distance. A hazy white blob, just as he had been the very first time.
After the explosion happened, Mello found himself at a significant loss. He lost the Death Note, he lost his mafia associates, and the Japanese task force now had his real name. He managed to make it across the U.S. despite his injuries, all the way to New York where Near was based. That was when the dreams started up again – when he was much, much closer, living only several streets away with one of Near’s employees.
The dreams lacked the hostility of those he had at Wammy’s, but Near was a much more prominent actor than he had been during Mello’s time in the mafia. Still, the visuals were strangely vague. The first dream featured Near as a hero, saving Mello from the explosion. He saw the red of the flames and felt the burning heat on his skin, but he never actually saw Near; only the flash of white, accompanied by indecipherable words spoken by his soft voice.
Several more dreams followed, but he never once saw Near’s face. It was only ever the back of his head, or his shadow, or his silhouette. That remained consistent right up until the confrontation.
Mello had already decided he needed to see Near as soon as the explosion happened, but he didn’t expect it to be so soon. Near cornered him with the threat of setting up cameras and wires in Lidner’s apartment, forcing Mello to either live in her bathroom or leave. So, he followed Lidner straight to Near’s HQ, completely unprepared for what he might say or do when he arrived.
Perhaps with just a little more planning, he could have prevented the outburst that resulted in his gun aimed at Near’s head. He forgot how little control he had over himself when he was around Near. He forgot just how condescending Near sounded when he spoke; the way he treated Mello like a tool in his investigation and not a human being with independent thoughts and feelings.
He dreamt of the confrontation that night, but with notable variations. He and Near were alone in the office, Near on the other end of Mello’s loaded gun. His dream echoed how he had felt in that moment; the suppressed feelings of inferiority and rage that Near’s presence dragged to the surface. But in that dream, he took it further. How quickly a mistake could be made on a whim.
He awoke just as he pulled the trigger, before he witnessed the aftermath, but the damage had been done. He had never known guilt like that before, and it stuck with him. It stuck with him for days, weeks, months. Something in him shifted, then. Maybe it was the dream, or the long period of self-reflection that followed, or maybe it was Lidner’s words from the day he threatened Near’s life. Whatever it was, it brought about the realisation that focusing so much on surpassing Near was only preventing him from avenging L. His real enemy was Kira. He was the one who killed Mello’s idol.
With that in mind, it was clear what he had to do.
The last time Mello dreamt about Near was on the night of January 25th – or perhaps, more realistically, in the early hours of the morning on January 26th. He had been lying awake for hours, eyes fixed on the ceiling, rosary clutched in one hand. He would never admit that he was afraid of dying. That was a thought he would take to his grave.
To anyone who knew even the slightest thing about him, it would seem an uncharacteristic fear. Several times, he had stared the Grim Reaper directly in the eye and still lived to tell the tale. He survived alone on the streets of London for months, barely scraping by. He had dealt with some of the most dangerous gangs in LA. He had half of his name written in the Death Note. He still had permanent scars from an explosion he caused.
Yet on each of those occasions, he had faith in himself to survive despite the odds. There was never a moment where death felt like a real possibility. Now, not only was it real, but it was inevitable. Near was about to bring the Kira case to a close. The only thing Mello needed to do was to secure the victory; to make sure that when Near’s name was written in the Death Note, there was no chance that he would die. To do that, a sacrifice had to be made.
So as he lay there, pondering what awaited him after death, he started to fear it for the first time. What would it feel like to die? There would be a pain in his chest, and then what? Would he see a white light? Would all his memories flash before his eyes? And after that, after he met his end, would anyone even care?
When he finally drifted off, Mello dreamed about Near; about him facing the fake L, about him seizing the Death Note, about him smiling in triumph as five long years finally paid off. The image of that smug, irritating, beautiful smile was burned into his brain. And Mello knew, from that image alone, that no matter how terrified he was, he had to face it. For himself. For L.
And for the boy who plagued his dreams.