Chapter Text
He could feel Remus's hands in his raven hair, he felt in his bones like he would explode.
He felt like he was in the air, doing spins around and around, the feeling creeping up his throat.
Calling what he felt in his stomach with Remus around 'butterflies' seemed like the understatement of the century.
Remus leans in, and so does Sirius...
"Padfoot."
Remus shook him awake, and he woke with a start, staring at the same dreamy eyes he'd been dreaming of. He blinked. Not a dream, the boy shaking him awake was real Moony, and Sirius genuinely couldn't tell if that was for better or for worse. Remus looked the same as always, and a smile was on Sirius's face that was automatic when his Moony was around. He looked just like a dream in the morning light from the window.
"Breakfast." Sirius begrudgingly pulled himself out of bed and into robes, keeping Remus in his view. Only in the corner of his eyes. If Remus caught him staring- Shit. The worst part about the whole thing is that Sirius had no clue how anyone would react if they found out.
His parents would disown him, which was fine by Sirius, as that had already happened ages ago and was hardly news. He didn't think the Potters were the homophobic type, but he wasn't about to risk his first stable, loving home for that. He didn't believe the girls would be unkind, but you could never tell with them.
Merlin knows what would happen if he told Regulus.
He decided it was for the better not to think about it, hastily throwing on his robes and rushing down after Remus on the stairs. When Remus's back was turned away it was alright to stare, even if all he could see was his mousy brown hair.
Telling Moony was out of the question, for various reasons. The same as the other Marauders, and the fact that Sirius had a big fat crush on him. Sirius pondered this, on the off chance Remus was into guys, the chances of him liking Sirius Black were a sliver.
He was Remus Lupin. Marauder, bloody brilliant, probably the strongest person Sirius knew with what he went through every full moon. Remus Lupin managed to turn into a monster every month and piece himself back together like it was nothing.
He was Sirius Black. Failure, black sheep, an absolute wreck who somehow managed to fuck shit up every single time, it didn't matter how hard he tried. When he fell apart, it was messy, he usually didn't put himself back together as much as he just ignored it and went on until all the bits of him eventually mushed into a form that was liveable but never quite the same as before. Moony was able to bounce right back every time.
Maybe it was an opposites attract kind of situation. Or maybe they were just incompatible.
There are rumors that Remus was gay, they'd all heard them. All of the Marauders, all of the school, really. Started by who knows, Sirius had suspicions it was a Slytherin, but no proof meant no action from McGonagall besides a speech about how "discriminatory behavior was not welcome at Hogwarts" to the entire school, which overall only made it worse and more frequent. Remus had never confirmed or denied a thing, not that any of them asked him to. It didn't mean it didn't push several of Sirius's buttons when someone muttered a slur while they passed or "accidentally" getting bumped into in the halls, or referred to one of the Marauders as "one of Lupin's boyfriends." He'd lied and said he'd gotten detention for cursing the uniforms of the Slytherin Quidditch team into the Gryffindor colors instead of giving a 5th-year Slytherin a bloody nose and a black eye, which is, of course, what had actually happened.
Not that he'd ever admit it.
He'd never admit what he'd gotten the detention for, he'd never admit that he was queer, and he'd never admit his crush on Remus. Being into a sunkissed boy wasn't a thing you admit, especially if they're your best friend and your love for them has layers beyond "he's my good mate", and he knew it to his soul, molded around his bones and keeping them in place. Those were the kinds of things you kept for yourself. In thoughts and dreams and staring at cute boys with mousy brown hair who were trying to say something to you.
"Sirius,"
"What?"
"You feeling alright?"
"Sure."
Sirius came from a long line of cruel people, and he'd always had an inkling that he would turn out just like any of them, a nasty ruthless Black who hurts everyone around them, and Remus didn't deserve that. And Sirius would never be able to forgive himself if Remus got hurt because of him, but here he was, being a snappy dick. Remus looked at him with a look in his eyes that was spilling over with sympathy, the look that made Sirius want to kiss him and melt into the ground.
"You haven't been yourself lately."
"Okay."
"I'll walk you to Madam Pomfrey if you'd like-"
"No thanks."
"Alright." Remus looked away, back to his book, and even though it was innocent, Sirius's heart sank a little. He felt like he was going to vomit, which could've just been Remus being around or the weird kind of hunger where you needed to eat something but it also felt like you needed to throw up.
"What makes you so worried, anyway?"
"You haven't been eating breakfast."
"I'm fine, Moony." To prove a point, Sirius grabbed a piece of toast and bit into it. A slight smile tugged on Remus's lips. A stupidly happy grin was internally bursting inside Sirius's chest, but he kept his composure like his mother always used to scream at him about. Being a good heir, making the family proud, not being a disgrace, etc. Too late for that bullshit at this point. Queer, blood traitor, and in love with a half-blood werewolf. Very in line for the Black heir. Bloody well how that turned out.
*✯*
Sirius lay in the dorm, his covers tangled up and trapping his legs while staring at Remus' bed. Unlike Sirius's, his bed was neatly made and his area was in complete array beside a sweater under his bed, whereas Sirius's area was in the kind of disarray that rivaled the current Wizarding politics that he didn't pay attention to because he knew exactly what he'd see. More murders, the war on the rise, all the of his family being dark deatheaters...
Sirius sat up and laid down again before untangling the blankets from around his legs and standing up. He looked over Remus's space, before crawling under the bed and retrieving the lost sweater. Remus owned a hundred grandpa sweaters that everyone who wasn't his friend thought were hideously ugly. Remus didn't care, and Sirius secretly thought they were cute.
It was stupid.
Sirius held the sweater up to his nose. It smelled like parchment and chocolate. Like Moony. which...made perfect sense. He slipped it over his head and it was oversized on his tiny frame, going down halfway down his thigh. He went and laid back down, and he kept sniffing the neckline of the sweater.
Stop being a fucking creep, he thought to himself.
Eventually, James barged in, sweaty from Quidditch practice. Sirius jumped and quickly called out a spell that drew the curtains around his bed shut as he yanked the sweater off and stuffed it under his pillow. James
"Padfoot?"
"Prongs."
"Is that Remus's?" Sirius sighed and pulled it out.
"Yes. It is." Sirius could hear the own reluctance in his voice and prayed that James couldn't hear the fear buried underneath it.
"He was looking for that one earlier."
"I didn't have it earlier."
"Okay."
"I'm serious."
"I believe you."
"Where are the others?"
"Remus, library with Lily, Pete's in detention."
"Oh."
"Is something happening with you and Moony?" Shit . Sirius's chest tightened, and he tried to take a deep breath. Had it been that obvious? Obvious enough for James to find out? James figured him out, had Remus and Peter figured it out too?
"You can't tell him. Never."
"Tell him what?" Sirius buried his face into his pillow which smelled like the sweater. So James hadn't figured him out after all. But now he has to give an explanation. He didn't want to tell him the truth, that would be more terrifying than he wanted to face at the moment, but he wasn't about to lie to him either.
"Fuck."
"Got a crush on him or something?" James flopped onto his bed and lounged, still looking at Sirius, who turned his head to the side.
"Oh." James blinked, and Sirius felt tears in his eyes. He'd never been a big crier, but for some reason, the tears didn't surprise him. He held a handful of the sweater in a tight fist.
"James?"
"Fine by me, mate." James shrugged and picked up a Quidditch magazine. James looked like he meant it, and Sirius finally believed him and let out a breath. Sirius took a drink out of a glass of water sitting on his nightstand, his hands still shaky.
"You should tell him." Sirius spit out his drink all over his bed.
"No way in hell."
"I told Lily, and look at us now."
"What's there to look at?"
"She's coming around."
Lily had come around a long time ago, the other three Marauders had agreed to hold that to secrecy to avoid inflating James's ego.
"This is different."
"How?"
"Because he's not-"
"I don't think he'll be rude about it if not."
"No."
"So what's the big deal?"
"When did you become matchmaker?"
"When did you start being in love with your Moony?"
My Moony. The thought of the words made Sirius go bright red. He put his pillow over his face. James laughed.
"Shut up."
"You don't have to do anything."
"But you think I should." James shrugged and finally returned to his magazine. He knew James was right. The door opened, and Remus walked in, holding so many books that his chin was holding the pile in place. He placed them all on his bed before spotting Sirius and his sweater.
"Oh yeah. Found it."
"Where was it? I looked for it for ages."
"Library. I was in there getting a book for potions."
"Thanks, Pads." Remus slipped it over his shirt and opened one of his books on his bed.
His curls were in his face, his tie had come loose, and his eyes were so focused on the words, and Sirius really did feel like he was going to explode whenever he was around, as much as he tried to play it cool.
Sirius hated admitting when James was right, but alas.
He had to tell him.