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Even within the surface of Himeru's mind, he knew this was a bad idea.
He had crossed the line of no return the moment he felt genuine attachment to Crazy:B. The persona known as HiMERU was nothing more than a mask, but it wasn't his to own and wear on his face. It was Kaname's.
One day, it could be tomorrow, next month, even the long years down the road, Kaname would wake up and reclaim the mask that he had stolen for a time, and then the stand-in actor–the shadow– would leave and disappear leaving no trace behind.
But he fell in love anyway.
It had been nearly half a year since Rinne confessed to him after the redhead (apparently) kept flirting with him and courting him for months before. Rinne had blurted his feelings out of frustration and impatience from Himeru not noticing jack shit, and if he wanted Rinne to stop then he should just say so.
But that was the thing; Himeru did notice. But he assumed that Rinne liked HiMERU, not him, and so he remained as indifferent as he could be, ignoring the clench in his chest at the war inside of him that was torn between wanting to be seen and wanting to hide.
He still remembered what Rinne had said to him clearly like it was only yesterday, electric blues hard with determination full of a promise that he wondered if Rinne could even keep.
“I want to see all of you. ”
Rinne had seen him. He didn't see HiMERU, he saw him.
It fucking scared him when he first heard Rinne say that.
Over the course of his life, disguising as other people as a means to an end-goal, nobody had ever seen the real him, and that extended to his days as HiMERU. Personal feelings had no place in the cold world of business– especially love.
Himeru had many experiences with relationships before posing as an idol. He could fake being a flirtatious man, could fake being a friendly person with open arms, could feign assertion and subservience, because all of those were fake. He could slip into whatever role he had to play because it wasn't him.
However, the more he acted and the more masks he put on his face, the more he felt himself slip away from his fingers. The fear of having himself stripped away further and further, little by little, was scary as it was strangely comforting, as this was the only way of living he knew.
But despite all that, perhaps it was no exaggeration to say that Amagi Rinne was his first love.
They had agreed to take things slow, to simply ease into the relationship and see where they’d go together. It had been reassuring, because this was the first time Himeru had been in a serious relationship as himself, somewhat, and the vulnerability and honesty that love brought was equally pleasant as it was terrifying for him.
Affection didn’t come naturally for him. If he didn’t have to act as anyone other than himself, then he was as stiff as a board. It was embarrassing that Rinne kept on initiating things, from small things such as a hug or holding hands, to going out on dates and (most of the time) picking where to go. Rinne was the one who was easy to get excited, while Himeru was more laidback.
Rinne held a huge amount of love for the people who were dear to him. But what was Himeru supposed to do, to be on the receiving end of that love when he was just a shapeless void? Where was Rinne’s love supposed to go? Every time Himeru heard the phrase “I love you” out of Rinne’s mouth, Himeru didn’t know where it was directed to.
Who was the “you” that Rinne referred to?
Himeru couldn’t help but wonder what kind of person he was in Rinne’s eyes. He wondered, but he feared it, because he feared what Rinne would do if he knew that his love was misdirected to something that was just a ghost of a name. It was obvious who “HiMERU” was, but what about him ?
Without a mask to put on his face, he didn’t know who he was. He was just nothing.
During their nights where the passionate drive was there, where desires accumulated and ended up bursting, Himeru never showed Rinne his face for too long. Rinne never questioned it, which Himeru was glad about. Those nights were good, genuinely so, but even Himeru could feel that something was lacking. They both thought so.
And so they talked it out.
And Rinne proposed a rather horrifying yet intriguing idea.
The first time they tried to carry out Rinne’s idea, Himeru was scared.
But after some gentle coaxing that Rinne would be gentle, that it wouldn’t hurt, Himeru thought that it was worth a try. Besides, they wouldn’t need to repeat it if Himeru or Rinne ended up not liking it.
So they started out light, just to test the waters for both of them. The moment the red rope was looped around Himeru’s wrists in the front, Himeru felt his heart skip a beat. He remembered observing the way Rinne’s eyes were focused, brilliant blues sharp with thorough attentiveness, the way his rough and strong hands tied gentle knots over Himeru’s wrists, and the sensation of the ropes tingling his skin, it all made Himeru felt an odd blush creeping up to his face, a foreign warmth coiling in his stomach and his heart raced like it never had before.
He even thought that the ropes around his wrist, dyed in the same color as Rinne’s hair, was befitting of a sinful person such as Himeru.
Rinne had pulled Himeru to his lap, hugging him from behind. Such a gesture was normal for Rinne who was a back hugger, but the air felt a little more intense that night. All Rinne did was tease him with gentle touches and soft kisses for Himeru to be reduced to a half-melted puddle in Rinne’s arms, the feelings surging through him by nothing but Rinne’s gentle touches were so scary he almost wished it’d hurt instead. Although Rinne did nothing more than giving him a handjob, Himeru’s orgasm came strong and so they could tell the result of this little experiment they had was more than satisfactory, at the cost of Himeru feeling more (emotionally) exhausted than actual intercourse.
It wasn’t just because of the physical pleasure itself, but it was… Something more . Himeru didn’t understand it at that time, nor did Rinne. But Rinne thought that it was worth finding out, worth exploring, both for Himeru and Rinne, but Himeru could tell the subtle implication from Rinne’s eyes that it mostly was for him .
It took some time for Himeru to finally become determined to try it out again after moving back and forth between yes and no, and it took a little more time for Rinne to look it up on the internet and browse for anything regarding bondage. The effort that Rinne put on this thing was more than the effort he put onto their idol practices, which Himeru found pretty amusing to say the least.
That was the start of how they ended up here, and the start of Himeru’s journey to learn about genuine intimacy with his first love.
The lighting in the hotel room was set to a dim, warm orange. Crazy:B had a break after their recent successful Live, and so they used this opportunity to spend the night away from the spotlight, away from the people in the busy ES building, away from the burdens they carried, all to share the night together as two lovers and themselves.
Himeru stood behind as he took in the orange light reflected on Rinne’s fiery red hair, his bright ceruleans almost seemed captivatingly bright under the dim lights. Rinne’s usual smugness or incorrigible front was nowhere to be found, replaced by an air of tender warmth that Himeru still couldn’t get used to even after dating him for a few months. This side of Rinne was… Soft. A strange side of Rinne that Himeru didn’t see every day.
“Merumeru,” Rinne called out, his lips stretched to a foxy grin, eyes dripping with so much gentleness that Himeru didn’t like how it managed to flip his insides. “don’t just stand there.”
Himeru felt Rinne’s hand pulling his, before Himeru was pulled to Rinne’s chest as the redhead wrapped him in a warm hug. The light squeeze of Rinne’s arms, the feeling of Rinne’s beating heart thumping loudly against his, the scent of Rinne’s sweet and musky perfume, Himeru couldn’t help but feel his tension seeping away a little.
“Merumeru,” Rinne called again, his hand rubbing soothing motions on the small of Himeru’s back. Himeru sighed against Rinne’s shoulder. “you’re shaking. You sure you’re up for this?”
Was he? Himeru barely noticed, but when he moved his arms to hug Rinne back… Well, he did notice now, how his fingers struggled to close around the fabric of the back of Rinne’s shirt.
“HiMERU is fine.” He said, breathing in Rinne’s scent, letting it permeate in him. Maybe if he had Rinne’s scent reaching deep inside his lungs, his chest would stop trying to kill him with the heaviness he felt.
“Alright then… But it ain’t HiMERU, right?”
The words forced Himeru to pull back then with a certain shock, Rinne’s hands still firm on his waist.
Himeru eyed him then, gold meeting ceruleans and locked with them. They haven’t even started anything and yet Himeru already felt unraveled just by Rinne’s loving eyes looking at him alone.
“It’s okay, Merumeru, if you’re not up to it.” Rinne said, his thumb lightly brushing Himeru’s hip through his jacket. “We talked ‘bout this. If ya don’t wanna, then we can just chill. I’m down with anything. HiMERU might be fine…”
Rinne’s eyes turned slightly sharper then, like he was looking at something deeper, a soft grin grazing his lips.
“But what about you?” Rinne pointed out, and for once, Himeru couldn’t hold back the twitch of his lip.
Himeru stayed silent for a small moment then, the only sound he could hear was his own heart beating loudly in his ears, as his eyes continued to look at anywhere but Rinne.
Noticing this, Rinne’s hands moved up then, to Himeru’s head, his thumbs tracing the shape of Himeru’s ears as he guided Himeru’s head to look up at him.
“Come on, look at me.” Rinne’s voice turned to a kinder tone with a gentle yet deep rasp to it. The voice that had Himeru feeling this icky warmth in his chest that he struggled to accept that he could feel.
Really, what did Rinne see in him?
No matter how much Himeru tried to look into his reflection shown in Rinne’s eyes, he couldn’t see the same image that Rinne saw.
“I know this is… A lot more than what we usually do. But I want you to tell me, Meru. Don’t listen to that pretty little head of yours, but listen to what your heart tells you.” Rinne said, his hands moved to cup Himeru’s cheeks. “What do you want? There’s just you and me here.”
But that was exactly what Himeru was afraid about among many other things.
To simply follow what his heart wanted–did he have such a privilege? Did he have the right? He wasn’t supposed to have desires. He was supposed to cast away his greed and want because that was his role to play as the stand-in of Kaname’s HiMERU. And yet, he had broken that crucial rule too damn often for him to count with his fingers–his selfishness clawing at his back to yearn and yearn for things that weren't his to own in the first place.
At the very same time he had these thoughts, Rinne patiently waited with complete understanding in his eyes. Such a bottomless patience for a sinful person like him.
Maybe it was the way he remembered the first time they tried the ropes out, or the way Rinne was looking at him, how Rinne’s hands were warm and soft and feather-like but so real on his cheeks, Himeru felt his throat close up a little. No, a lot.
In the end, he nodded.
“I want this.”
Just those three words, and Himeru saw how Rinne’s entire expression lit up, surprisingly innocent which was a far cry to the fact that tonight would be anything but.
Himeru didn’t know who started first, and he couldn’t care less, because he felt his worries melting just a little more the moment their lips met. Rinne’s hand found the base of Himeru’s head, threading through blue strands as he tilted Himeru’s head back, deepening the kiss as Himeru made a low noise at the contact, positively coaxing Himeru’s mind that was much louder than his mouth to relax.
It worked, because Himeru’s hands moved to cup the sides of Rinne’s neck, feeling his pulse beneath his thumbs. Rinne’s lips, Rinne’s touch, it felt good, it always felt good, and Himeru found himself melting into the kiss just enough to allow Rinne to guide him to the bed, to allow Rinne to push him down on the mattress, getting on top of him, feeling the bed dip down by their weights.
Rinne broke the kiss then, only to mouth along Himeru’s neck, pulling down the collar of his turtleneck for a slightly better access, and Himeru let out another noise at the feeling of Rinne’s lips there.
“You doing okay, Merumeru?”
There was a sense of comfort in that childish nickname, Himeru felt. With how often Rinne just calls him Merumeru, Meru, or Hime, Himeru couldn’t even remember when was the last time Rinne called him “HiMERU” like everyone should.
But at the same time, it was… Nice. Like he had something precious to keep for himself in his "career" built on lies.
"Merumeru." Rinne repeated, and Himeru was suddenly met with electric, brilliant blue, Rinne slightly squishing his cheeks.
But Rinne's tone was so gentle, so patient. They haven't even done anything in particular but Himeru's mind was already running around the place.
Rinne reached for Himeru's hand, bringing it up, so that Himeru could feel the sensation of Rinne's warm cheek on his cold palm, the leader holding Himeru's hand there, like he was trying to ground Himeru in the present reality, or wanting more of his attention. The more Rinne smiled so sweetly and so gently like he did as Rinne looked down on him from above made Himeru feel… Guilty.
"Hey, I'm the person who's in front of you now." Ah, Rinne's skin really was so warm. Himeru couldn't look away from those brilliant blues, those dusty pink cheeks.
"Focus on me, alright?" Rinne spoke. Himeru wasn't sure if he liked how he could feel the pleasant shiver running down his nerves just from Rinne's gentle yet warm voice alone.
It never failed to surprise Himeru, really. How sweet Rinne could be beyond his bravado.
Himeru nodded, his thumb brushing Rinne's cheekbone. Rinne wasn't shy to nuzzle against Himeru's hand with that cheeky, childish grin on his face.
"Right. Sorry." Himeru said.
"Mm-mmm, don't be. You doing okay, honeybee?"
God, Rinne had to stop with all those pet names. It was really bad for Himeru's sanity and self-restraint. Ignoring the rising heat on Himeru's cheeks, he nodded.
"I need a verbal answer, Meru." Rinne insisted.
"Sap." Himeru quipped, and Rinne giggled in amusement. Himeru found himself relaxing a little more. "Yes, HiMERU is okay."
Rinne nodded, leaning down to press another gentle kiss to Himeru's lips, a short and chaste one, one that brought a tingling warmth in Himeru's chest.
Unlike their usual nights of sex, Rinne took his sweet time in taking off Himeru's jacket. He took off each of the buttons of Himeru’s shirt with care, leaving HiMERU in his black turtleneck and pants. Rinne’s pointer fingers hooked around the belt loops with an added gentle tug, looking up to Himeru’s eyes for a wordless permission.
Himeru took in a short breath, nodding slowly. A smile flashed in Rinne’s features, pressing another kiss to Himeru’s cheek. Really, why was Rinne being such a sap today? Rinne’s fingers moved to unbuckle Himeru’s belt, popping the button of his pants off and slid them down almost teasingly gently, like Himeru was going to run away like a startled cat if Rinne went too fast. It was ridiculous–this wasn’t even the first time they fucked.
“Amagi, why are you being so… Careful?” Himeru asked.
Rinne giggled a little, all with a toothy, childlike grin and crinkled eyes.
“Can’t I just do it ‘cause I want to? When else is yer good ol’ Rinne-chan gonna act like a gentleman for once?”
“Did you just roast yourself?”
“Shut it, Meru.” He said so, but there was no bite at all in Rinne’s tone as Rinne pulled Himeru’s pants completely off of him, revealing his bare legs and briefs. “You sure you still wanna do this?”
Himeru slowly nodded again. Rinne’s look of inquiry made Himeru answer twice, this time with his mouth. “Y-yes, HiMERU wants to.”
Rinne, who seemed as if he wanted to comment on Himeru’s use of third person even in this moment never went unnoticed by Himeru, but it wasn’t as if Rinne was going to outright complain. Rinne brushed Himeru’s hair back, letting his blue strands fall over his face in soft wisps again.
“Okay. Gimme a sec, yeah?” Rinne said, then he reached for his bag on the side of the bed on the floor. As Himeru watched his moves, his gold eyes locked onto the bundle of red ropes that Rinne took out of the bag, a wave of anticipation mixed with anxiousness bubbling within him.
To say that he wasn't feeling at least a little scared would be a fat lie that not even Himeru would even say out loud.
"Merumeru," Rinne called, sitting in the middle of the large bed with his legs crossed. He reached his hand out, beckoning. "come here."
And Himeru did. He moved as Rinne told him to, feeling it slightly easier to do as Rinne told because he wouldn't need to think twice (and not because he felt his heartstrings tugged by Rinne's gaze and gentle voice, definitely not.)
Himeru moved to sit down in front of Rinne, back facing him. He peeked over his shoulder, "You don't need HiMERU to…?" He gestured vaguely at his black turtleneck which Rinne didn't take off from him.
"Nope, it's fine. I heard ropes can leave marks especially if I'm not careful." Rinne said. "Besides, it's gonna look real hot."
Gone was the brash, boisterous Rinne who appeared like a good-for-nothing on the surface, because ever since they started this, Rinne had been nothing but gentle. It made Himeru feel weird in his guts, made Himeru feel a spark igniting inside him when Rinne's lips were pressed against his nape, arms wrapped around his torso in a secured, warm embrace from behind.
Despite Rinne's almost uncharacteristic calm demeanor, flowing with subtle confidence like how his aura practically reeked of confidence at any given moment, Himeru could feel Rinne's heavy heartbeat on HiMERU's back against the leader's chest.
Ah, Amagi is nervous, but he tries his best to not show it. It was oddly sweet. Sweet to know that Himeru wasn't the only one who felt like he was going to lose it.
"I'll be gentle. Pink promise." Rinne raised his pinky, and Himeru felt like laughing from the sheer childishness of the gesture. Trust Rinne to turn something so dumb as a pinky promise to make Himeru's tension melt away bit by bit.
It felt quite easy to hook their pinkies together.
"...Okay." Himeru spoke.
Rinne nodded. "I'll start, yeah? What do you say if things get too much or if you're down to keep goin'?"
"Traffic light system."
"Atta boy." Another kiss to the back of Himeru's head. "Okay, I'll start for real, yeah? Just relax for me, honeybee."
Himeru only nodded, tensed but otherwise compliant as Rinne's calloused hands brought Himeru's wrists behind his back. The weight of what was going to happen truly sank in the moment he felt the ropes around his wrists over his sleeves.
The sound of his own heartbeat was deafening in his ears, the same tingling feeling he received the very first time they tried the ropes came back as vividly as yesterday's memory. Himeru closed his eyes shut, wetting his lips with his tongue as the ropes encircled around his bicep.
Rinne reached forward, looping the rope over Himeru's chest. He could feel Rinne's breath beside his ear, his scent permeating into Himeru's senses, as if teasing him into a white sea of oblivion.
Rinne was damn good at making Himeru forget who he was supposed to be. Or maybe Himeru grew weak, so weak that gentle touches from Rinne was enough to threaten his thick walls despite them just starting the main course.
"It doesn't hurt, right? I'm tying the ropes kinda loosely."
The feeling of the ropes dragging across his body, and the warm pads of Rinne's fingers which followed them weren't unpleasant– far from it. Rather, Himeru somewhat wished it was a little tighter.
"N-no, it doesn't hurt." Himeru answered.
The ropes connected around his biceps, binding his arms together behind his back. Himeru knew that Rinne wasn't done yet. Rinne was far from done.
"...How did you know how to do any of this?" Himeru asked quietly, as if afraid to break the veil of silence surrounding them.
Rinne was tying a knot somewhere behind Himeru's back, reaching forward to tie the ropes horizontally below Himeru's chest, connecting it with the knots on the back again.
"Bondage was originally to tie up criminals in the past, y'know? I was taught the not so safe way of bondage when I was a kid in my hometown." Ah, it was quite rare for Rinne to be openly talking about his hometown. "It means that I was taught that bondage was seriously just to catch the bad guys so they won't run. But after I came to the city, a few years later, I was surprised to find out that people actually like to be tied up. Like, as a kink. As someone who learned it for an entirely different reason, I was fuckin' surprised."
Himeru's cheeks flushed. Rinne noticed, so he grinned with a giggle and kissed Himeru's cheek.
"I thought it was interesting. That's why I shared the idea with you the first time." Rinne said. "And I'm glad we tried it out."
Himeru glanced at Rinne, gold locked with tender blues, Himeru felt his heart skipping an almost painful beat. He gasped when Rinne's lips began to nip his earlobe, feeling hotter and hotter all over as more rope knots formed.
"Cause now, looking at you like this as I'm the one tying you, as you become bound by the ropes from my work…" Rinne's voice was only slightly above a whisper, tongue dragged over the shell of Himeru's ear as he smiled. "I definitely see the beauty of it."
Desire. It was the one thing that burned in Rinne's eyes, directed at him. A sharper tug of the ropes caused a shiver jolt through Himeru's spine, making him softly gasp as his cheeks heated up.
Himeru blatantly looked away, his face burning with a sudden feeling of shame. He shouldn't be doing this. He should just– "HiMERU" would never do this so why the fuck was the mere stand-in being all greedy and selfish? He should just call it quits after all–
A firm yet gentle hand held Himeru's jaw, turning his head to the side at an angle into a rougher kiss that Rinne initiated that Himeru couldn't keep up in his momentary surprise, helpless to Rinne's movements of his tongue and lips that created a rhythm where all Himeru needed to do was just take it as it came. A breathy moan escaped Himeru before he could stop it–couldn't even pull back by Rinne's hand keeping his head in place. With the inexplicable trust that Rinne had served Himeru on a silver platter along with Himeru's weakness (vulnerability) seeping through, Himeru could only take what Rinne gave him.
When Rinne broke the kiss to give Himeru's tongue a final suck between his slightly chapped lips, Himeru gasped. "A-Amagi…?"
Himeru didn't even dare to open his eyes immediately.
"Look at me, Meru." Rinne whispered, nuzzling against Himeru's cheek and temple.
Slowly, Himeru opened his eyes, only to be met by a sickeningly sweet smile with blue eyes laced with tender warmth that rivaled the rays of sunshine in a midsummer day.
"Talk to me, Meru." Rinne said. "How are ya feelin'? Tell me the truth."
It took a while for Himeru to answer, held back by his cowardice and hesitance. Eventually, he gave in, weak to Rinne’s gentle seduction.
"..."I" feel like "I'm" doing something "I" shouldn't."
Rinne waited, and Himeru continued.
"...I know I shouldn't be–I shouldn't be doing this. I don't know what to think or feel." Because Himeru was just a shadow to Kaname's light. Shadows follow the movements of its master. Shadows were not to act on their own accord, and yet Himeru acted in opposition to the one thing that he swore to be; to become the perfect HiMERU. “I feel like I’m a disgrace for… For doing this.”
Maybe it was the scent of the ropes embracing him, or it was Rinne's hand brushing his thigh that felt so much more sensitive, it made Himeru feel like his throat closed up a little.
"But you want this, don't you?" Rinne guessed, his fingertips brushed over Himeru's shoulder, moving up to the hollow of his throat and under his chin.
Two digits made their way past Himeru's lips to the cavern of his wet mouth. He softly moaned as he tasted Rinne's fingers, tongue instinctively swirling around the fingertips with a fight against his own hesitance even as Rinne dragged his fingers deeper.
"You don't need to be afraid, Merumeru. Tonight, you're the person in front of me . I'm the person in front of you. Nobody else needs to know that the person they think you are isn't the real you."
Alarm flashed Himeru's features. Rinne figured it out? "A-Amahi–"
"Shhh, don't worry. I don't know the details and I won't ask unless you decide to tell me. But I can pick up the pieces together, y'know? I know that you have a lot of burden on your shoulders. I know that you don't know who you are at times. I know that you're afraid of others knowing about the true you. That's why you hide behind "HiMERU". I know, Merumeru. I can tell that much."
Himeru whimpered around Rinne's fingers, drool started to pool in his mouth. Rinne was quick to kiss Himeru's temple.
"It'll be okay. Everything that happens in this room doesn't have to leave. It can just stay as our little secret, ya hear?" Rinne smiled. "So just for tonight…"
Rinne dragged his fingers out, a string of saliva connecting the tip of HiMERU's tongue and Rinne's fingertips together.
"Will you stay true to yourself, for your own sake?"
Himeru's eyes burned with tears threatening to spill. Was it truly okay? What would their fans think if they knew? What would Kohaku and Niki think if they knew?
What if Kaname knew?
Himeru hated looking at himself. He hated being himself. Without the face of another on top of his, he was nothing; a mere void, a tool , someone who abandoned his own name for the sake of something else, something bigger than himself with the weight far too heavy for his shoulders to bear.
If he didn't have to look at himself, then he wouldn't have to deal with the gaping hole in his chest.
But above all, Rinne's voice echoed in his head louder than the rest of his thoughts.
Nobody else needs to know that the person they think you are isn't the real you.
Shaking off the feeling of perpetual guilt and shame, he chose to embrace this sin. The sweet sin of being selfish and desiring for more of Rinne's affection and touch. His body shivered with the thought for more, for Rinne to touch him, to kiss his lips until he felt numb, to bring him to ruin so Himeru could forget as he drowned into a sea of a twisted, sinful pleasure that tasted so unbearably sweet on his tongue.
To be stained with the colour of the ropes and Rinne's hair, because maybe then Himeru could truly feel a sense of a deserved belonging on top of his blank canvas of an existence.
Himeru leaned his head back against Rinne's shoulder, desire and lust growing inside him, aching for more of Rinne.
"...Please," Himeru whispered, his eyes teary. Rinne couldn't look away, couldn't even blink. "I want you.”
The rough, calloused hands of the redhead roamed over the pale expense of Himeru's stomach, his turtleneck half rolled up. Just by Rinne kissing his stomach, moving up to kiss his chest through his clothes had Himeru so damn wrecked already, the rope and Rinne’s teasing touches, making each touch and kiss given to Himeru spark like little fireworks under his skin.
"A-Amagi," Himeru whined, his back arching off the mattress, supported by a pillow to lessen the burden of his arms behind his back.
"So pretty, so damn beautiful." Rinne smiled, kissing right over Himeru's rapidly beating heart and he could do nothing but shiver, helpless under Rinne as his freedom was in Rinne's hands.
"S-stop teasing." Himeru scolded, but it nearly sounded like a pathetic whine.
"Yeah… No, I'll take my sweet time." Rinne decided, kissing down and down again, his palms and fingers lightly squeezing Himeru's thighs, a tingling sensation jolted through him. "I mean, how can I not, when you're lying down looking like Lady Luck blessed me with everything she has for little ol’ me?"
Rinne started to mouth around the wet tent on Himeru's briefs. Pleasure shot through his body from such a mild gesture, moaning and quivering as Rinne licked a broad stripe to his achingly hard cock over his briefs.
"God, you're so hard already. So, so beautiful. I can't ever get enough of you, Meru."
He pulled Himeru's briefs down, throwing the wet garment onto the floor as well. Rinne sat up, his hand warm on Himeru's thigh.
"Spread your legs for me, honeybee."
The direct request made Himeru struggle to suppress a whimper. He spread his legs apart, his feet flat on the mattress, a flush of humiliation and foreign vulnerability burning inside.
Rinne kissed Himeru's knee, a small reward to appease Himeru's emotions.
"That's my good boy."
Himeru stiffened at the praise, heat coiling in his stomach before it reached straight to his cock.
"Amagi, stop saying such a thing." Himeru scowled.
Rinne grinned. "Ah? Why not? I know you like it." He reached down to the side of the bed to retrieve a bottle of lube and a condom from the bag, returning to his spot between Himeru's parted legs. The rather infuriating part was what Rinne said was true.
He poured a generous amount of lube to his fingers, warming them up for a bit before he teased Himeru’s rim, eyes locked down to Himeru’s face. Himeru flinched at the initial sensation, but otherwise tried his best to relax his raging heartbeat and tense body.
It was hard to do so.
“Meru, relax for me, alright? You’ll be fine. You okay? Want me to slow down?” Rinne questioned. The pad of his finger never left Himeru’s rim though. Himeru shook his head in response. “Then what’s the matter? Getting shy on me now?” Rinne teased a little, just to ease the tension.
Well, Rinne was right. With Himeru’s arms bound in the rope, he couldn’t move to shield his face from Rinne’s eyes. He felt… Scared, almost. Rinne was going to see him, the real him hiding under many different masks. Both his freedom and fears were clenched by Rinne’s hands with the red ropes as the medium. Himeru didn’t know how to name what sort of feelings he was having.
“Can’t say it? It’s okay.” Rinne spoke, exercising what boundless patience he had, before leaning down to press a kiss to Himeru’s lips. Heat bloomed in his chest from the soothing action, and Rinne pulled back to lean their foreheads together. The sight of such bright blue gazing down on him made Himeru feel like he was being swallowed whole, feeling as if he was being laid bare despite his clothes and the ropes. “Just say the colour.”
Colour? Right, they had a colour. Himeru nearly forgot all about it.
“...Green.” Himeru muttered.
Rinne nodded, trusting Himeru’s judgement. He slowly slid inside his lubed finger after Himeru did his best to relax. No matter how many times they’ve done this, Himeru’s body could never really get used to the initial sensation, but he slowly eased into the building pleasure as Rinne kissed him again.
One finger slowly became two eventually. After Himeru got used with the intrusion, with the gentle pace of Rinne’s fingers thrusting back and forth inside, Rinne nibbled on Himeru’s bottom lip before pulling away, precious blue eyes gazing intently at him.
Himeru could swear that Rinne did it on purpose, because Himeru couldn’t hide the way his back arched when Rinne’s fingers crooked to touch his prostate with such a brutal accuracy – couldn’t hold back his yelp in surprise, which quickly turned to a moan when Rinne kept teasing him there. Curse Rinne and his stupid observation skills for making Himeru fall apart like this.
“Ah! A-Amagi…” He nearly whined, slightly wiggling his hips at the stretch of Rinne’s knuckles in his rim as he threw his head back. All the while, Rinne kept looking at him, watching him as he was so close to come undone under Rinne’s touch just like this, looking so aroused just by watching, like Himeru's pleasure was Rinne's own, desire burning in the leader’s eyes.
Even though Himeru wanted so badly to rip through the ropes to cover his face, Rinne was the one whose cheeks were flushed red. Like Rinne couldn’t handle the sight he was seeing. Himeru didn’t know whether he should be flattered or throw his head to the side. He did the latter.
“God, what did I ever do to deserve you? You’re so gorgeous, Meru.” Rinne didn’t stop, adding another finger to ensure Himeru wouldn’t get hurt, stretching him properly and making him feel just a little fuller.
After a few moments of thorough prep and Himeru growing even more sensitive, Rinne finally pulled away his sticky fingers, wiping off the excess to the sheets without a care. “If I wanna make ya feel good, then it’s best with something more, right?”
The sight of Rinne ripping the packet of condom with his teeth was a silent promise to what was going to come. Himeru felt the sudden impulse. The sudden need.
“N-no.” Himeru blurted out.
Wrong word. Rinne immediately panicked. “Huh? What? Is something wrong? Was I going too fast? You okay, bunny? Are you hurt–”
“No! No, you didn’t do anything wrong, I’m–” Himeru paused. He felt like his gut was being stepped down with the way Rinne was looking at him, like a fucking kicked puppy. Ah, if only Himeru could reach out to card his fingers through Rinne’s crimson mane. “I mean… You don’t have to use it.”
Rinne blinked in momentary confusion before he sighed in relief, smacking Himeru’s side with no real strength. “God, don’t fuckin’ surprise me like that you little shit. But you sure? Cleaning up is gonna be kind of a bitch, y’know? Usually you never shut up about using protection.”
Seeing Rinne looking relieved with that dumb smile on his face made Himeru chuckle himself.
“It’s okay. I might regret it afterwards, but…” Himeru caged Rinne with his legs loosely wrapped around the leader’s waist. Rinne got the memo, so he leaned closer to Himeru, using one hand on the bed to prop himself up. It was kind of hard to pull himself up just to press a chaste kiss to Rinne’s lips with him being bound, but he got the job done and was rewarded by a blushing Rinne. “...Let me feel all of you now.”
There was a beat of silence as Rinne stared at him all wide-eyed, before strong arms encircled Himeru’s frame, with Rinne’s face buried to his shoulder. Rinne’s lips moved to kiss that spot through Himeru’s sleeve, but Himeru could feel the warmth nonetheless.
“You’re planning on driving me mad, aren’t ya? You little devil.” Rinne looked up at him like a petulant child, but it was so hard to take him seriously when Rinne’s cheeks were flushed so red, rivaling his hair and the red ropes that connected them in a way that felt almost surreal. “Saying things like that… Are you trying to kill me?”
Rinne’s poor cock was still trapped in his jeans, his hips grinding against Himeru’s ass in search of desperate friction. Himeru bit his lower lip in reaction, the motions brought a sense of the same desperation to further build up inside him like kindling an untamed flame.
“Fuck me.” Himeru whispered to Rinne’s ear. Rinne shuddered.
The reaction was instant. Rinne pulled back, hastily taking off his belt, popping the button of the front of his jeans off. He quickly slid his pants off his legs, including his own boxers. His thick cock was finally released from its own confines, already leaking precome from the reddish tip. Thank God Rinne didn’t forget to lube his own dick as well, hissing at the touch.
Rinne pulled Himeru into his arms then. The action caught Himeru off-guard especially when he realized what Rinne was going to do, yet he was powerless to make any feeble attempts in getting away, not when he was bound and certainly not when Rinne’s strong hands moved him to get on top of Rinne’s lap like Himeru was a doll to be moved, their positions flipped.
Shit, shit, shit–now Himeru had no room to hide. Rinne looked up at him, electric blues glazed with so much want it made Himeru’s stomach feel a little queasy as his heart kept jumping in his ribcage.
“Meru,” Rinne called softly. He gripped Himeru’s hips in a firm hold. Himeru braced himself as he lifted on his knees, slowly sinking himself onto Rinne’s cock with the leader’s guidance. “”s okay, ‘s okay.”
Himeru couldn’t help but grit his teeth at the burning stretch when the head of Rinne’s dick breached past his rim. Himeru instinctively struggled in the knots of the ropes, but pleasure soon jolted through him when Rinne wrapped his warm, slightly rough hand around his aching cock, stroking gently as Himeru took Rinne inside bit by bit.
“That’s it, you’re doing great, honeybee.” Rinne whispered to Himeru’s chest, breathing in the scent of Himeru’s sweat mixed with the ropes.
“Fuck, fuck ,” Himeru gasped, closing his eyes shut as he finally took Rinne all the way down to the base. He sighed out, missing the warmth and fullness he felt but even more so from Rinne’s constant sweet talking.
Rinne kept rubbing soothing circles on Himeru’s hip, lazily stroking Himeru’s length to keep him as relaxed as possible. Himeru could feel the way Rinne was practically twitching inside him, but Rinne and his softness and patience refused to move until Himeru was adjusted with the size.
Really, Rinne wasn’t as bad as a lot of people seemed to think at first. Rinne was so… What? There were no words to describe him. No words that could do Rinne justice. No matter how hard Himeru tried to think of it, nothing could describe Rinne as a whole.
“Meru, you alright? Does it hurt?” Rinne reached his finger up to brush Himeru’s tear away. Strange, had he been crying? Himeru shook his head in answer. Rinne smiled, wrapping his arms around Himeru’s waist. “You sure? You never say it when you’re hurt, y’know? Ya seriously make me worry sometimes.”
Himeru’s lip twitched at Rinne pointing him out like that. “...I’m fine. Really. You can move.”
"Promise?"
"...Promise."
And again, Rinne trusted him. Rinne trusted him without a doubt. He kissed the ropes on the center of Himeru’s chest, the sight had Himeru feeling his heart skipping another beat. Himeru slowly rolled his hips, grinding down which caused Rinne to groan, arms tightening around him as Rinne bucked his hips in reflex.
Himeru himself wasn’t all that better. The position allowed for Himeru to feel Rinne deeper, a deeper set of both vulnerability and pleasure as Rinne kept looking up at him, watching his every move. Still, Himeru kept bouncing on Rinne’s lap, setting up a slow starting pace that gradually quickened. The lower he sank down, the deeper Rinne’s cock dragged inside him.
Maybe Rinne lost his remaining self-restraint, or maybe he sensed that Himeru was used to the feeling by now, but he squeezed Himeru’s ass in his hands and thrusted up, hitting his prostate with the same accuracy as before. A breathy, louder moan escaped Himeru's throat, his hands clenched tight together as the friction from Rinne’s cock inside and the ropes around his torso slowly became almost unbearable.
“Fuck, Meru,” Rinne whined, thrusting up again in the same rhythm Himeru fucked himself on Rinne’s cock. “I could watch you for hours without getting bored a single bit.”
Rinne’s words and actions had Himeru feel even hotter and hotter everywhere. Pleasure bolted inside Himeru like bright sparks in every seams, and yet his treacherous mind was still fighting, a feeling of shame and guilt fighting with the need to come undone down to every pore, to give into Rinne and his touches and kisses, to surrender and give the heat inside of him for Rinne to feel it too.
Rinne must’ve sensed it, or maybe Himeru was too obvious with how Himeru closed his eyes shut, his head lolled to the side in feeble attempts to hide.
“Ah, ah, none of that. C’mon, show me your face and look at me, honey.” Rinne said, cradling Himeru’s cheek in one hand. Himeru slowly opened his eyes, his breaths coming out in soft gasps as he continued to ride Rinne. “That’s it. That’s my good boy.”
Himeru stiffened again from Rinne’s words, his face scrunching as he bit his lip to bite down a moan from spilling out at a particularly harsher thrust. He shivered. “ Haah –no, stop that, Amagi–”
“No.” Rinne answered firmly, holding Himeru’s hip tighter as he fucked into Himeru faster. Himeru let out a louder cry, his body gradually losing its strength if not for Rinne holding him tight. “Why shouldn’t I tell you that? Why shouldn’t I praise you? Why shouldn’t I tell the you underneath that whole damn mask how good he is?”
Himeru whined, closing his eyes shut. “Don’t–”
“No, I won’t stop. It’s not a lie, Merumeru.” Rinne said with so much confidence and sincerity it brought tears to Himeru’s eyes. “I won’t ever fucking lie. You’re too damn important to me and you should know that.”
“But I’m not–”
“Merumeru,” Rinne stopped his thrusts, hurt flashing in his features. Himeru was torn between whining from Rinne’s thrusts coming to a halt or the way Rinne was looking at him now. “You seriously believe that? You believe that you’re not worth it?”
“ Because–” Himeru’s throat closed up. He struggled to get the words out. “B-because I…”
“...Do you seriously believe you’re not worth my desire and want, after everything? After all the times we’ve spent together?” Rinne quietly asked.
Himeru’s eyes shot open, shock and tears blurring his eyesight before it focused onto two blues. All he could see was ruby hair, then sapphire eyes demanding but laid bare and sincerely honest with a sprinkle of hurt.
Small parts of his absurd, lonely and deprecating thoughts must’ve showed in Himeru’s features, because Rinne cradled his face with his hands, their noses almost touching, forced to lock his eyes with Rinne’s.
“Hey.” It was a low, husky rumble in his chest. “Listen to me. Come back to me, ya hear? Listen to me, not that head of yours.”
Himeru shakily nodded, his tongue feeling heavy in his mouth. “Y-yes, I’m listening.”
“Good. I want you, okay? I want this life with you. All of your good and bad, your truths and your lies, your honesty and your secrets, all the silly and the ridiculous things in-between, I want you. I don’t want everyone’s HiMERU. I want my Meru. Do you understand? You understand me?”
Something snapped inside Himeru then.
Something snapped so damn hard that he felt a flood of emotions coursing through his entire body. His own words choked himself like a snake eating its own tail, like his vocal chords failed him, his twisted judgment born from his own worthlessness led him to believe that the deceptively blissfully sweet paradise from God in the form of red hair and brilliant blue eyes paired with warm and gentle hands, and a future with Rinne wasn’t something Himeru deserved still.
And yet… It was strange; he felt liberation inside the binds of the red ropes, meticulously yet gently tied by Rinne's hands like his whole body was being embraced. He felt liberation in Rinne calling him his Meru.
In contrast to Rinne's obnoxious and crass personality, his hands were firm yet gentle, secure that gave the illusion that he would be as strong as an anchor, and that this wasn't an illusion; it was real.
Rinne, who saw right through him and still accepted him without knowing the full details of his being. Rinne, who acted with a villainous bravado to mask his inner weakness, his inner softness, the amount of love he held for the people dear to him that was far bigger than his two hands could even hold, yet he cradled Himeru's face as if he was something just as precious as the word "love" was for Rinne.
It was laughable, for such a sacred thing to be directed at a ghost.
But the Rinne who looked up at him with those sweet, big eyes, stripped away from his authority and obnoxiousness, leaving him as a person who Himeru dared describe as a sweet child of light blessed with harboring so much love and care, was most beautiful in Himeru's eyes.
Was it okay? Was it truly okay?
Am I even allowed to be this selfish?
“I love you.” Himeru blurted.
There. He said it. He truly crossed the point of no return. He had cut the thread that held him back from saying those precious three words all this time, knowing damn well he would never be able to take it back nor recover from all of this if the sand in their shared hourglass emptied out.
By saying those words, he betrayed his own promise. His vow. He betrayed “HiMERU”. He betrayed Kaname. He should feel guilty, and he did. But the relief that came out instead overridden the guilt like he never had ever felt before.
And Rinne, who had never once heard Himeru utter those words in their relationship so far, stared at Himeru with wide eyes.
“Say it again.” Rinne demanded, no, pleaded. He moved to grip the ropes behind Himeru’s back. “Say it again, Meru, Please. Say it again. ”
“I love you.” Himeru repeated, more tears flowing down his red cheeks. He leaned down to kiss Rinne’s lips, soft and sweet, conveying more what he couldn’t convey with words. “I love you.”
Rinne kissed back. Rinne, his first love, kissed Himeru passionately and desperately. It was as if Rinne’s life depended on that kiss they shared, like Rinne would lose him if he didn’t.
It felt as if something broke inside Himeru as he was brought to ruin by the love Rinne had for him, and Rinne was picking up the broken shards of Himeru’s ruined self before they could be lost.
Rinne untangled the knots behind Himeru’s back, hurriedly pulling the ropes as they hung loose around his body. The moment the ropes came undone, hanging haphazardly all over his arms and shoulders, a shiver jolted all over Himeru’s body before he wrapped his arms around Rinne’s neck as Rinne quickened his thrusts.
They moved together in tandem, sharing each other’s burning desire as it conjoined into a single, warm flame only theirs to light up, sealing it safe in a loving and passionate kiss where words failed to properly convey their overflowing emotions.
“A-ah, more, more, please, Rinne–!” Himeru moaned into the kiss, feeling Rinne’s hands gripping his hips harder.
Rinne whimpered from Himeru calling his name. Not Amagi, but Rinne. Himeru was flipped onto his back on the mattress, the bed dipping from the sudden weight. Rinne quickly wrapped Himeru’s legs around his waist, fucking Himeru faster and desperately as Himeru could do nothing but cry out as his mind blanked from the sheer pleasure bursting through him.
This time, Himeru wasn’t afraid of looking straight into Rinne’s eyes. He wasn’t afraid to see his reflection on Rinne’s eyes. He wasn’t afraid to see Rinne’s eyes witnessing his ruin.
“Meru, I love you.” Rinne said, kissing him. “I love you. I love you. So fucking much, you don’t have a single damn idea.” He kissed him again and again.
And Himeru gladly accepted. He cupped Rinne’s cheeks with his hands, kissing him with equal fervor with more tongue as Rinne’s hips pistoned into him a little harder as Himeru clenched around Rinne tighter, swallowing each other’s moans and letting it resonate in their hearts and minds.
“C-close, I’m close,” Himeru said between gasps, arms circling around Rinne’s neck tight, wanting Rinne closer and closer to him and never letting go. “Aah!”
Spots appeared in Himeru’s vision like a static television, lips parted agape around a sharp gasp that quickly dissolved into a chorus of high-pitched, breathy moans. Rinne’s hand messily jerking him off in time with his fast thrusts, his thumb dragging over Himeru’s sensitive tip dripping with precome, made his knees buckled against Rinne’s sides.
“”M close too, Meru.” Rinne spoke, his pace never faltering. “God, you–you’re so–”
Rinne never got to finish his sentence and he didn’t need to. Himeru’s orgasm came out strong, hot come splurting over Rinne’s hand and his own stomach like a powerful bolt of lightning. Rinne rode him through it, not stopping even when the sensations were tethering on the borderlines of sweet, painful overstimulation, wringing every ounce of pleasure he could from Himeru’s pliant frame.
Himeru cried out , clenching tight around Rinne because he couldn’t take any more than this, his nerves going haywire.
“O-oh, fuck.” A final, strangled moan left Rinne, his hips stilling and teeth implanted on the exposed part of Himeru’s neck. Himeru felt it all in the midst of his pleasure-filled mind as Rinne came, sudden and deep inside him. The immediate spill of hot come came out in a big load inside Himeru’s wrecked hole, making Himeru feel a full-body shudder all over again all while Rinne kept thrusting back and forth, dragging this out.
But eventually, Rinne’s movements came to a stop and practically face planted onto Himeru’s chest. They breathed through their highs and sweet release, tension melting away from them completely, feeling each other’s rapid heartbeats as they enjoyed the quiet and the warmth they shared weaved like a tapestry. Exhaustion dragged Himeru’s eyes closed, his lashes feeling uncharacteristically heavy.
Minutes later, Rinne moved to pull out, but Himeru’s legs around his waist wouldn’t let him.
“W-wait, don’t pull out yet.” Himeru hugged him closer. “Just… Just stay with me a little longer.”
Rinne was surprised, but he snickered, eyes crinkled. He kissed Himeru’s sweaty forehead, his lips lingering. “Okay, Meru. I won’t.”
Himeru allowed himself to accept the softness, the tenderness of it all. Rinne peppered kisses all over Himeru’s face, nuzzling their noses together that made Himeru giggle. Rinne’s eyes lit up at the sight, metaphorical dog tail wagging in quick succession.
“I love you.” Rinne spoke, cradling Himeru’s cheeks again so lovingly.
Himeru took in a slightly deeper breath, staring into Rinne’s eyes.
Those precious words of “I love you” were twined around Himeru’s body, far stronger than the ropes ever could.
He still didn’t know what kind of person Rinne saw in him, still couldn’t shake off the thought that he was a mere ghost without a definite outline, still finding it almost impossible to find anything about him that was lovable, but…
If Rinne continued to look at him with that gaze, then Himeru would gladly at least try to love the him reflected in Rinne’s eyes. He hoped that was the real ⬜⬜. Maybe then, he’d come to love the real him that Rinne loved so much because… He felt like he could accept the person Rinne had embraced. When Rinne showed him the warmth and the straightforward affection of a dear, special somebody, it was the only time ⬜⬜ could feel like he could truly love himself.
But all thoughts reserved for later. He refocused on the now, in this sacred moment they shared together just between Rinne and him.
Himeru answered back.
“I love you too.”