Chapter Text
San doesn’t know what possessed him to drag Ray to the bathroom like that. The latter was just being his usual self, flirting with the first human that breathed in his way. But San just saw red in front of his eyes, heart hurting more than usual, especially after last night. It hasn’t even been 24 hours since Ray randomly asked him to cut his hair, then requested to sing him a song (saying he couldn’t sleep without hearing his voice) and finally fell asleep with his head on San’s chest. He knew that Ray was a totally different person when they were alone, but he also knew he had to stop whatever sinful act was about to happen with that stranger, before he breaks someone’s face. ‘Ray should sin only with me’, San thought.
Ray pulls away from San’s grip and frowns confused “What do you want? Was interrupting me necessary? I was just about to ask them-“ San interrupts him, scoffing and rolling his eyes “Why are you like this?”
He really does not want to know what was about to leave Ray’s lips. San was supposed to be used to Ray’s attitude by now. Bossy, cold, sassy, merciless. But the glimpse of the soft Ray he saw for the past couple of nights makes him dream.
Ray laughs humorlessly “For the hundredth time, we are not exclusive. Never were, never will”
It’s actually the 7th time Ray reminded San of how he's not reciprocating his feelings. Not that San is counting. It hurts just as much, if not more. He hoped time (and last night) would make Ray realize that San could love him in a way Mew could never. With tears in his eyes, San turns his head to hide from Ray’s judging eyes.
“I hate you” he whispers.
“Why don’t you go find someone else if you hate me so much?” Ray replies crossing his arms, challenging San with his eyes.
“Because I love you idiot. I know we said to be only friends who fuck, but I couldn’t help falling for you. So just give me a chance. Give us a chance or end this here” were the words he wanted to say, the words that died in his throat when the bathroom door opened and the bar manager said “There you were. Time to get on stage, San”
10 minutes later and 3 songs in, San manages to confuse his bandmates. He starts playing the cords for 'Do I Wanna Know', a song definitely not on tonight’s list. The rest of the band has no choice but to follow his lead. San is singing his heart out (as he always does, but right now it's more personal than ever). His eyes are searching for Ray’s. After whispering something in Mew’s ear, Ray giggles, lifts his head and meets San’s desperate eyes. «Maybe i’m too… busy being yours to fall for somebody new». What could be more fitting than this. San hopes that Ray would at least listen to the rest of the song but no, he scoffs, gets up from the booth, dragging Mew to the bar with a smirk on his face. San’s voice starts to crack, his bandmates share confused looks with each other and Ray is wrapping his arm on Mew’s waist. The way he usually does with San. The singer finally breaks the moment he sees Mew blushing.
He found out that Top cheated with Boston a few days ago and Ray made it his job to stop Mew’s crying and take him out to forget about that asshole. Flirting with a stranger wasn’t part of Ray’s plans but he got bored while Mew was catching up with a colleague he randomly met. (and if he was hoping to make Mew jealous, he would never admit that)
Both Ray and Mew turn their heads to the stage when the song suddenly stops with a weird static. San almost drops his guitar to the ground and sprints to the backroom. The last thing he wants is for everyone (but especially Ray) to see him cry.
Once he’s safe behind closed doors, he hears the bassist apologizing to the crowd and the club music starting. San finally lets himself go to all the emotional torment that haunted him for the past hour (and months if he is being honest). He started crying thinking about how Ray’s heart is not his. And never will be. Maybe that’s how it's supposed to be. Maybe Mew breaking up with Top finally gives Ray a chance to love. Maybe Mew will finally see his best friend as San does and will fall for Ray too. San thinks ‘Who wouldn’t? Eventually they all do. I know I did.’
The singer doesn’t even realize that he punched the wall at the thought of Ray and Mew together until he felt the pain rushing through his arm. The physical pain overtaking the one in his heart. For just 5 seconds. And San craves more relief. So he does it again. And again. And again. Until there’s too much blood and his arm tires out. He pulls his hair in frustration ‘Why him? Why can’t it be me?’ San lets out a final scream and grabs his cigarettes to go outside for a smoke, almost tearing down the door.
The sting from his knuckles reminds San that he should probably wash the blood first. He doesn’t want to bump into one of his colleagues and add more questions to the already long list. He enters the bathroom and walks to the nearest sink. As soon as he turns the cold water on, he hears the door again. Of course it’s them. He rolls his eyes, ignoring the bubbly and obvious drunk Mew and his best friend. Just the thing he needed right now. They walk to the sink next to San and Mew is laughing, probably at nothing since he can’t even stand up straight.
Ray is looking at San like he’s just any other random person, like he doesn’t know how much power he holds over San. And then his eyes drop at San’s bloody hand. San ignores the goosebumps that Ray’s eyes cause on his skin with just his eyes and tries to look at himself in the mirror. His hair is a mess from the aggressive pulling, his eyes are a bit puffy and his whole face express nothing but pure agony. To be next to the man you want, you desire and love with your whole being and not being able to touch and hold. Only that he previously touched Ray, in more ways than one, but it is never enough. San will always want more of Ray.
The train of thoughts are interrupted by a giggly Mew that nearly drops to the ground when trying to lean over the sink, but Ray catches him just in time, grabbing him from behind. He tries to turn on the water, but it’s hard with a tall man attached to your front. San sees Ray struggling and he leans to his right to open the water, turning back to his hand cleaning. He doesn’t say anything and Ray doesn’t seem too eager to thank him. Blood keep oozing out of San’s knuckles and he tries to press on the wounds to stop the bleeding.
On the other side, Ray starts to lightly splash some water on Mew’s face who keeps rambling. “Ray, bestieeeee, thank youuu! Oh- i needed that. It’s so refreshing. Oh Ray? Have I ever said that your body is so warm? I bet that’s why everyone you fuck wanna stay overnight. You must be a great cuddle buddy.” San freezes. He locks eyes with Ray in the mirror again. The bastard is smirking, of course he is. San is trying to ignore the flashbacks of their first night together. He is one of those fuck buddies that wanted to stay the night, but got arrogantly kicked out. It took weeks for San (and 3 orgasms for Ray) to finally spend the whole night with him, Ray probably being too tired and euphoric to care.
San can’t take the intense eye contact anymore. His heart has suffered enough for one night. Ray will never show any mercy and he will never choose him. He needs to get out of here. So he storms out of the bathroom not even closing the water properly. He can’t seem to think of anything else other than the desire to punch that stupid smirk from Ray’s beautiful face. Fuck, even when he’s fuming, San can’t stop admiring Ray.
He stomps to the main entrance, since his bandmates would probably be in the back alley already. He lights up his cigarette and takes a long drag. He needed that, but not as much as he needs to stop pining over Ray. Sooner rather than later, San will have to get over the rich boy who stole his heart even before they officially met.
Eventually, Ray shows up again in San’s field of view. This time, he is carrying the not so sober Mew out of the bar. San’s first instinct is to help Ray, but he refrains himself. He needs to step out of his life, a place that doesn’t want him. San doesn’t know what pushes him, right then and there, to make the decision of his life: finally giving up on Ray. Is it the fact that he keeps seeing Ray and Mew together? Is it how badly has been hurting ever since he met Ray? Is it the lack of worry on his face when he saw the bloody knuckles? Or maybe it's just because he is so tired of trying to show Ray that he’s worthy. He doesn’t even care what triggered it at this point. He’s done being Ray’s puppet.
He looks at Ray’s back who is leaving (towards his car he guesses) struggling to handle Mew’s taller figure. “Hey! Ray?” the words leaves his lips without realising. Ray turns around humming towards San waiting for whatever he wants to say. “Goodbye.” San doesn’t wait for a response before putting out his cigarette and getting inside the bar to gather his things.