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You had always thought it was ridiculous when characters would describe overwhelming emotions by saying that they felt as though ‘the world had stopped moving.’ You had survived the unforeseeable events of the outbreak and watched as the world as it once was, really had come to an end. Yet, even after all of that, you still couldn’t relate to feeling anything close the feeling you’d read on countless pages.
The world kept spinning and time continued to pass no matter how bad it got. You envied the characters who thought that time slowing to a stop was a bad thing. Most days it sounds like an absolute dream.
It’s only now, decades after the initial outbreak, that you finally understand what they meant.
As your eyes sweep over how his arm is resting comfortably over her shoulder, sharing a cup of coffee between them as they sit at the back of the dining hall, a smile lighting up his face in a way you had only been privy to once or twice yourself.
Now it made sense.
Because as the fellow inhabitants of Jackson milled around you, mumbling about your blocking the entry and oblivious to your pain. You felt the whole world come to a stop beneath your feet.
You don’t know how long you remain frozen, unable to drag your eyes away as he leans even closer to the woman— Esther, sitting beside him. You take in the way his chest gently rises and falls with silent laughter and feel like your blood had caught fire because of the heat of jealousy swimming within you. You can’t bring yourself to move, your body not responding to your desperate inner pleas to run away and instead, your feet remain firmly planted on the ground.
It’s only the feeling of a hand coming to rest heavily upon your shoulder that manages to free your mind from its torture. You don’t have to look beside you to know who it is. The feeling all too familiar having spent many days and nights watching over and protecting her.
Her hand is firm as she turns you around towards her and breaks your stare from Joel. Ellie’s eyes flick up over your shoulder and you’re embarrassed at how quickly the realization dawns on her face.
Sympathy fills her usually stoic face and you don’t think you imagine the slight anger lighting up her eyes before shifting her gaze back to you.
“Hey,” she speaks softly, so different to what you’re used to from her. “c’mon let’s go back and eat at my place instead.” Ellie’s voice is softer than normal as she guides you towards the door you had only just walked through a few minutes prior. The exit is within your reach when the door swings open, Tommy and Maria walking through it. Their smiles disappear as they take in the way you look before them. Ellie’s guiding hand keeps you from just slumping down onto the floor and disappearing into the wooden planks beneath. Tommy takes a moment to take in what you’re sure is a very sorry expression on your face. Maria's eye’s looking to the hall behind you to where you know Joel is sitting unaware of the small group of you mere feet away.
Maria gently moves her husband aside and lets Ellie continue guiding you outside and away from the prying eyes of the community. Your brain focuses completely on the task of placing one foot in front of the other as your feet walk the familiar path back to Ellie’s small cottage that sits right next to the house the three of you had been allocated upon your return to Jackson.
Only Joel lives there now though. Ellie had her little flat that you were walking to now, the tiny living area more welcoming than the large house you could see from Ellie’s door.
As the light layer of snow crunches beneath your weight, your brain works at record speed to remind you of every single moment you had spent with Joel since meeting him during one of your trips outside of the Boston QZ.
Your mind conjures up the infinite crystal-clear memories you have collected of him over time. You think of the way his laughter, although rare, can fill any room he is in. The way his hand had learned to find yours almost subconsciously when you used to trek up steep hills on patrol. The feeling of warmth he radiated when he held you close whenever either of you had had a bad day.
Without your permission, your brain fills with the memory of the kiss you had shared after one drunk and stupid night in the ski lodge during your last patrol together many months ago.
He had stayed quiet the entire walk back to Jackson the next morning. Dropping off his bag at your shared house before quietly turning right back around and walking out. Only returning when it was late enough to grumble a quick “good night” before shutting himself into his bedroom.
You had only seen glimpses of him since.
He got Tommy to switch patrol partners with him and stopped hanging out in all of the places you frequented in Jackson.
He never once stopped to talk to you about it. Ardently keeping the distance between the two of you and moving on as if he had never known you.
It broke your heart that all it took was one drunk kiss for him to hate you. Especially when even though drunk, you were certain that it was the best kiss you had ever shared with someone.
You kept your ear out for whispers of his name as you spent months adjusting to life without him. Waiting to hear any rumor that told you that leaving you had hurt him as much as it has hurtled you. But none of the gossip surrounding him changed.
He just… kept going. As if cutting you out of his life was easy.
It’s taken you nine months to understand just how true that is. Nine months, and his arm holding your friend Esther close to his side as if it was natural. His eyes had not even noticed your presence in the room even as you stood with his brother and the girl he considered his daughter no matter how little Ellie wanted to do with him now.
He had moved on… although it doesn’t feel accurate when there was never anything for him to have to move on from. Only the nights where you’d allowed your mind to wander to the dangerous realm of ‘What If’s…?’ Letting your dreams take you to universes where he was yours and you were his.
You have no right to the jealousy flowing through your veins as the scene from the dining hall plays on a loop in your head. But Esther now had everything you had ever wanted and she didn’t even know it.
Before you could allow that jealousy to turn into something more dangerous, Ellie unlocks her door and allows you to walk past her into the dark but cozy space.
Ellie was your best friend. A strong bond between the two of you after having spent years by her side thanks to Joel and Tess.
Even after all that time spent together, you never once felt like you had to explain yourself to Ellie. She’d never pushed you to talk about the obvious feelings you held for the man who you worked beside.
Now, Ellie brews you some of the coffee you had stashed for yourself here when she’d first moved in. She’d made a big fuss about the “gross smell” the beans caused in her kitchen cupboard but never once tried to get rid of the stash. Knowing it brought you comfort and reminders of life before. She didn’t even have to ask you whether you wanted a cup now, just dug into the bag of old ground beans and putting making it just to your liking before gesturing for you to sit on her couch, placing the chipped white mug in front of you and sinking down beside you.
Neither of you say anything. There’s nothing really to say. Ellie just lets you relax with your drink before standing at the knock on her door and walking to let Dina and Jesse in.
Dina and Jesse both follow Ellie’s lead as they see you flash a small smile there way. Wondering just how forced it must have looked for the both of them to quiet their usual joking and instead sitting on either side of you, caging you between their safe embraces as Ellie placed one of her LPs on the turn table and the music-filled the silence of the room.
At that moment, you can’t help but feel so much love towards the group of friends you had gained in Jackson. Although you’re the oldest in the group by quite a bit, you still had grown close to all of them as you spent hours teaching them small tips and tricks as they began patrolling. They’d allowed you into their little found family after you’d shown them all of the relatively unscathed stores full of LPs and books you had discovered a few years back. Not letting Maria know about your finds so that they weren’t forced to share their small prizes with everyone.
Selfish, but necessary as they spent the years that teenagers had once used to discover their likes and interests instead of counting the number of infected they managed to kill. Seeing Ellie’s eyes light up when she’d first heard the scratchy sound of a needle on vinyl made everything you’d been through feel worth it.
In turn, they’d helped you regain some of the experiences the outbreak had cut short for you. Allowing you to be completely yourself in front of them without ever once having to fear their judgment. Everything felt a little easier when you were with them.
It’s the same as when you were with Joel.
He had loved to tease you about the way you acted whenever you stumbled across books or movies that brought out the slightly geeky side of you. He’d listen to your endless rambling about some random fact about long-forgotten fictional characters without so much as a whisper of complaint.
In fact, he began bringing you back items from patrol that he thought you would like.
On the weekends, during your weekly overnight patrol to the ski lodge with the Miller brothers and Ellie, you’d spend hours every Sunday morning walking around abandoned towns with Joel who would smile and laugh without his usual mask of sternness as your face lit up with every new discovery.
It has been months since you and Ellie last joined them on that patrol. Something that had become such an important part of your routine. That trip used to have the ability to make Ellie and yourself feel almost like you really were part of the Miller family. A small glimpse of what life would’ve been like if the four of you existed in the easier time before the outbreak.
Then it had all stopped and the little delusion of family you’d carefully pieced together fell apart leaving Ellie and yourself once again as outsiders.
You shake your head lightly as if it would somehow throw the memories from your head before they were tainted by your current feelings.
You feel Dina’s head fall onto your shoulder as the four of you sit around her small house talking about everything and yet nothing at all and allowing the day to pass by you.
It’s only as the sun’s descent is near its end, the orange glow barely visible against the dark hue of night, that Dina perks up with an idea.
“What if we go out dancing? I’ve heard that Seth's bar is hosting Tanya’s birthday party tonight so there should be more than enough booze and dance partners to make it worthwhile.” Dina’s excitement is almost infectious as any trace of drowsiness that had begun to fall over you abruptly disappears. “I mean, everyone loves Tanya so I’m sure this party will be one of Jacksons best.”
Ellie looks at you questioningly, “I don’t know Dina… maybe tonight isn-”
You cut her off as Dina’s face began to fall. Knowing that it would hurt Ellie to see Dina sad.
“Actually… that sounds great Dina.” You use all the energy you can muster to try and sound convincing. “I haven’t been to wish Tanya a happy birthday yet, so this would give me the opportunity to do that as well.”
•───────•°•❀•°•───────•
It’s how you find yourself with your arms resting around Tanya’s sister, Dylan’s shoulders. The two of you dancing horribly offbeat to some best of the 90s CD Tommy had managed to find for the occasion. Stan’s bar is covered in slightly discolored streamers and banners to help make the space feel special for the occasion.
You had to admit that as you sway your body side to side, allowing the music to flow through you, you feel relaxed.
That is until you feel a large hand land on your shoulder. The all too familiar deep, accented voice fills the air around you.
“Do you- would you uh… mind if I have this next dance?”
Your blood runs cold at the sound of his voice. Not even turning to face where Joel stands behind you. His sudden close proximity completely enrages you. He just walked over here and asked to dance as if it was completely normal. As if he hadn’t gone out of his way for almost a year to ignore your very existence.
Dylan goes to pull away but you keep your arms wrapped around her, urging her to keep dancing with you. With a worried glance to where Joel's hand is still holding your shoulder, Dylan nods and continues moving. Although her movements are now much more contained keeping you dancing on the spot.
The change in Dylan's behavior is enough to make you even more bitter. You’d finally been able to accept that you had to move on from him, only for him to choose that moment to walk right back into your life.
“No, you cannot.” Your voice leaves no room for question as its biting tone even has Dylan flinching across from you.
You’re well aware of the way Dylan’s hands have loosened their hold on your waist, eyes wide with fear. It’s hilarious how terrified of Joel that nearly all of Jackson seemed to be. No one else except maybe Tommy and Ellie, would ever dare use this tone with him.
It’s why you take mercy on Dylan and remove your arms from her. Sending her an apologetic smile as she guiltily walks far away from the two of you.
It’s only once Dylan is out of your line of sight that you wheel around to face Joel. Certain that your anger is palpable as he dejectedly removes his hand from your shoulder.
“Please Sugar, I just want to talk.” His voice is pleading lightly in a way that almost makes you crack. Not used to seeing him express this much emotion so freely.
But you find the strength to continue staying strong, standing tall as you look at his towering body. You want nothing more than for this argument to end so you can leave this party and fall apart in the privacy of… well damn… you don’t really have anywhere you can be alone anymore.
“I don’t want to talk to you, Joel. Now please, get the fuck away from me and let me continue trying to enjoy my night. It’s not like you’ve had any issue not talking to me these past months, after all. Maybe you should go back to pretending I don’t exist, from what I’ve heard, you’re thriving thanks to it.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” His voice sounds genuinely shocked and you chance a quick glance over your shoulder to see if anyone is watching your display and freeze slightly under the curious gazes of most of the room.
“It means Miller,” your voice is quieter this time but not any less terrifying. “that I was busy enjoying a dance with a beautiful woman, drowning out my sorrows before you decided to walk over here and remind me of the absolutely shit day that your presence is only making worse.”
That doesn’t seem to help matters at all as you hear what sounds like a low growl of frustration rumble from him. You don’t miss the small flinch of his shoulders as your words wash over him as his attention remains solely on you. He doesn’t bother to acknowledge the audience gathered around you, whispering loudly between themselves as they nurse their drinks on the sideline.
Your eyes meet Dylan’s where she’s watching from the dark alcove of her sister's table and it makes your chest physically hurt. Not only did Joel not want you, but he was also stopping you from finding comfort in somebody else. Once again leaving you with the overwhelming loneliness that had been your companion ever since he’d walked out on you after the kiss.
You were so sick of feeling lonely.
So you snapped, turning to face the angry man still standing behind you, glaring at you with so much heat that you’re sure most people would melt under that stare.
But you weren’t most people and you easily matched his anger with your own.
“I can’t believe you’d do this to me, Joel.” You bite out through your teeth, watching Joel's anger morph slightly into shock as you speak to him without any of the usual compassion your voice had held for him. “You can’t just ignore me for months and then walk over here and expect me to drop everything for you.”
People’s curious stares make your skin crawl as the end of a track plays, leaving the bar in stunned silence for a few moments as everyone waits to see what Joel's reaction will be to your harsh words. Some drunk men even betting on whether he was going to hit you for it.
A year ago you would have laughed at how wrong those men were for thinking Joel would ever treat anyone innocent like that. But now... well honestly Joel does appear close to his breaking point. His fists clenching and unclenching at his side as you just stand there with nothing else left to say.
You feel embarrassed over making such a scene during what is meant to be a celebration. Cringing as your eyes catch on the colorful streamers that remind you why you are here in the first place. Without so much as a glance back at Joel, you turn to face Tanya, wishing her happy birthday once again, before walking out, back into the cold night that bites through the thin fabric of your worn jeans.
You don’t stop walking as you wander through the maze of streets unsure of where exactly you’re headed. You had spent the past month in Tommy and Marias’ guest room which had previously been occupied by a newcomer to Jackson leaving you as a long-term resident of Ellie's couch. You’ve dealt with months of constant back aches and little sleep just to avoid returning to the quiet of the house that had once housed the three of you together as if you were a normal family.
But as the freezing air began to turn your fingers red and numb, you realize that the house was the best place for you to be right now. It’s warm walls were your only hope at having any sense of privacy for the breakdown you knew you were about to have.
Walking up the worn wooden porch and up to the screen door you pause for a moment before reaching for the key you’ve had hanging on a simple silver chain around your neck ever since Maria first handed it to you upon your return from the hospital.
The first true home you’d been given since leaving your family’s on the night of the outbreak.
The skin-warmed key slots perfectly into the lock and with one quick turn of your wrist you’re back in a place that only this morning had felt completely off-limits.
As you enter the house, pushing the door to close behind you, a hand reaches around the frame from the other side, halting the door's movement. After a moment of stunned silence, you watch as the door opens once again revealing Joel’s slouched figure as he looks up at where you stand, the street lights catching his eyes enough for you to see the slight sheen to them as he remains frozen in place
“You came home?” His voice is barely loud enough to hear over the sound of the winter breeze outside but you hear the words and the emotion held within them. You nod your head lightly in reply, breaking him out of his thoughts enough to take the final couple of steps into the house and shutting the door behind him.
You don’t dwell on the fact that it’s just the two of you alone in the house. That there’s no one there to pull you out if it all becomes too much.
You’re surprised to find that you can still talk even as you realize just how close the two of you are now standing. Only a couple of feet between you in the dark entryway.
“Yeah well, I uh- didn’t think Tommy, Maria, or Ellie would be very appreciative of the mood I’m in right now.” You admit, not having the energy to hide your sadness. Not even with anger like you’d managed so easily to earlier. “This is my only other option. I’m sorry if you don’t want me here but I’ll stay out of your way. I just want to go and be alone for a while.”
As you let the exhaustion of the day wash over you, you allow his eyes to roam over your exhausted form. You wish you still knew how to read him as well as you had. Wondering what he must think of your disheveled appearance. But he stays quiet, just assessing you as you feel the exhaustion creep even further into your body. All you want right now is to bury yourself under blankets and let the hours fade away into oblivion.
So you walk in the direction of the room you had claimed as your own all those years ago, not looking back until for the second time that night, you are stopped by the heavy weight of his hand landing on your shoulder.
The movement and its intention cause a dejected sigh to leave your body as you come to a stop in the hallway so close to your desired destination.
“Please just… just let me talk to ya for a moment.” His voice is hoarse in a way you haven’t heard since the first time you had stayed in Jackson. The night he had begged for you to stay in Jackson and let Tommy get Ellie to the Fireflys’ instead. You feel your anger completely fade away as you realize what that means. “I know I haven’t been there for ya these past few months and I’m sorry for that sweetheart but-”
You cut him off as the familiar name he called you works through your system reminding you of how he used to treat you.
“Don’t.” You finally turn around, his hand falling from the place it had occupied too much time on today. His shoulders fall in resignation at the coldness in your voice. “Don’t call me that. You have no right to call me that after how you’ve been treating me.”
The slight sheen in his eyes darkens as he looks up to the ceiling, blinking rapidly in a way you’re all too familiar with having fought back tears so many times in your life. You wait for his reaction but all he does is listen to you. Only opening his mouth once he’s had time to sit with the truth of your words.
“I know I don’t.” He admits, “But please know that I’ve only been trying to keep you safe baby. That’s all I ever try to do. Every single day I try to keep you the hell away from all of my dark shit before it takes you from me like it has everyone else that I care about.”
And oh… oh.
You don’t exactly know how to react to that. Not when for as long as you’ve known Joel, he has never managed to put his feelings into such brutally honest and open words as the ones he had just said to you.
You take a deep breath, finally letting your eyes meet his and letting your walls drop so he can see exactly how you’re feeling. A show of trust as you find the right words to answer his.
“If you care about me so much Joel, then you wouldn’t have just left me.” You begin, voice full of pure and unfiltered pain. “Especially after I kissed you. I mean… I’ve spent months now thinking that I did something wrong and that I’m not good enough for you. That you see me as nothing more than Tess and Ellie's forgettable friend… and god Joel, it’s hurt. It’s hurt so fucking much.”
He softens at that, tentatively taking a step towards you and lifting his hand to lay gently on your arm, his thumb lightly sweeps up and down the bare skin of your arm, making you relax under the familiar touch.
“You are everythin' to me, baby.” He admits, voice cracking slightly at the admission.
It’s only then that you notice just how close the two of you are now standing. Mere inches between your rising chests. He remains focused on where his thumb brushes against your arm, completely oblivious to your inner turmoil as he continues.
“And god I have tried so hard to let you go. To move on so that I wouldn’t spend every damn moment of my life thinking about all the ways you could be hurt by my… my feelin’s for you.” He stops to take a deep breath, bringing himself back to the moment as he continues to bare his soul to you. “But I need ya, sweetheart. So much that it terrifies me. The idea of losin’ you…” he takes a sharp breath at the thought. “god I couldn’t survive in a world without you in it.”
Before you even have time to think about it, you feel your hand rise to rest on his cheek, sweeping away the tears that had fallen from his eyes as he looks at you with so much unmasked emotion.
“Joel honey, you should have come and talked to me about this. You could’ve told me you were scared and I would’ve understood.” You take a deep breath before admitting the next part. “More than you could even begin to know.”
His eyebrows rise slightly in question but before he can ask you what exactly you mean, you rise, closing the last few inches of distance between you letting your lips brush against his. The touch so light that it would be easy to act like it never happened if he moved to push you away. But he doesn’t, just closes his eyes and lets your lips remain together before you lean back enough to talk once more.
Your next words the ones that will answer any question he has about why you had done that.
“Seeing you this morning. You… you looked so happy with her” you watch the realization transform his face, eyes widening as he looks down at you. “It broke me in a way I have no right to be broken.” you fight back the tears that sting as they gather in the lids of your eyes. “I thought about all the times it felt like you had stolen my heart from my chest and made it yours. I thought about not being there if something happened to you. I’ve been out of my mind thinking about that for years now Joel. Every time you walk through those gates without me I feel like I can’t even breathe until I see you return.”
His eyes shine with something close to wonder as his eyes dart between your eyes and lips, you don’t think you imagine the desire slightly darkening his gaze.
“Years?” He asks tentatively, voice thick with his Texan accent. You nod your head lightly in reply and love the way his lips tilt up into a soft and private smile.
His words have only just finished falling from his lips as his head tilts down so your lips can meet once more. This time there is nothing light about the way your lips melt into each others.
Neither one of you are great at using your words to share your feelings. But this… this you could both do. And the press of his mouth on yours told you everything you needed to know.
His lips claim yours over and over again as his hands move to bring your face even closer to his. Not wanting this moment to end. Only splitting apart when your lungs begin to burn for air, foreheads resting against each other as you both take a moment to catch your breath.
“You know… I don’t think your girlfriend would be too appreciative of this.” You murmur, feeling embarrassed as you remember the scene from the dining hall this morning.
His face is completely serious as he looks into your eyes. “I don’t know let me ask her,” you can’t hide your shock as he begins to pull away from you, taking a step back but maintaining eye contact as his arms lowered, hands moving from where they framed your face to rest on your waist instead. He takes a deep breath before smiling “Are you okay with me kissing you again baby? I promise I’ll make you a nice breakfast tomorrow to make up for my awful manners this evenin’.” His serious expression disappears as a goofy smile grows on his face and god that is such dad humor that you can’t help but laugh at his whole performance, your heart filling with happiness as you realize the meaning of his words.
“So this morning… that wasn’t…?” you mumble the words out not entirely sure how to ask, but he understands you instantly even as you keep trying to come up with words to describe what you had witnessed this morning.
“Esther is kind and all,” he admits to you calmly. “But there is nothin’ going on there. I- I might have tried making a move at one point but that wasn’t because I felt anything for her that way and she knows it. She is perfectly aware that I’ve got my sights already set on this one amazin’ woman...” His eyes slide down to where his hands are holding you close to him. He misses the way his words leave you in shock, mouth opening slightly as you realize what it is he is telling you.
You wonder if this is all actually a dream. If you’d fallen asleep at Ellie’s and this was all just some twisted trick of your mind after having your heart broken over the attention Joel had been giving Esther.
“Esther was meeting me this mornin’ to talk some sense into my old brain so that I would finally go and talk to you and stop bein’ such a heartless prick by avoiding you.“ He takes a deep breath and you see just how sincere his words are as he nervously brings his eyes up to once again lock onto yours. “She told me that I shouldn’t risk another day apart from that ‘girl of mine’ when we live in such an unpredictable world. Told me I was stupid for not tellin’ the woman I adore just how deeply I feel for her. But now… I’m hopin’… Well, I’m hopin’ that maybe my girl might even feel the same way about me…” his voice begins to shake slightly, hands trembling lights on your waist and your heart stops beating for a moment as his words play through your mind. “God if I’m really lucky… then maybe she might be willin’ to give a grumpy old man like me a chance?”
The last few words are barely more than a whisper as he begins to slowly lean closer towards you once more making your breath hitch at the gentle way his hands gently brush up and down your skin. “What d’ya think angel? Would you be willing to let me work towards your forgiveness?”
And even though you know it will take a while for you to be able to trust him again, you can’t deny yourself this moment. Everything you have wanted finally falls into place as Joel finally lowers his walls, letting you see him entirely. You stare in awe at the sight of this beautiful man standing before you letting his eyes mist over with tears and not hiding them away from you as he waits for your answer.
“Well, I do believe you promised me a nice breakfast tomorrow and… what was it again….? There was something else you offered me that I remember liking the idea of…” you pretend to think for a moment, brows drawing together in puzzlement as you lean a bit further into his touch, revealing in the way his eyes gleam over your cute behavior. Your arms come up to rest over his shoulders as you take a mental picture of the way his mouth tilts slightly to the side in a smile and you wonder if this is a glimpse at the man he had been before the outbreak.
“Yeah I think I also remember there being a second, much more exciting part to my offer,” he says playing along with your joke before both of you finally give in to the tension between you that’s been left ignored for far too long.
You use the leverage of your arms against his shoulders to lift yourself up towards him, lacing your fingers through his graying hair as you bring your lips back home to his, relishing his small gasp of surprise before he quickly returns the motion, kissing you back with just as much passion.
This time neither of you are tentative with your touches as his touch moves slowly from your waist to explore your body, fingers remaining threaded through the locks of his hair, keeping him as close to you as possible as he begins guiding you backward until your back meets the cold paint of the wall, his hand placed between your shoulders to ensure the impact doesn’t hurt you. Thinking about your safety even now as his mouth devours yours.
The press of his hips against yours allows you to feel his hard, clothed length grazes against your pelvis. The movement makes you very aware of just how damp your panties have become from his kisses alone.
As he continues grinding his hips against yours, you feel the pooling of heat begin to grow in your belly making you tilt your hips up, desperate for any sense of friction against your throbbing clit but still falling short as his hands push your waist flush against the wall so he can push his hardness against you and hold you there as his mouth briefly leaves yours, looking to where your bodies are desperate to meet and hating the number of layers blocking the both of you from your relief.
With a frustrated whimper from your mouth, Joel's hands slide over your hips until he’s cupping your ass and lifting your legs so you can wrap them around him. The change of angle allows you to finally feel his cock push against your clit making you cry out in pleasure. Which he takes as silent permission to continue exploring your body with his hands as you feel him throb through his jeans. You almost drool at the thought of his thick length filling your mouth as his movements and hardness leave little to the imagination.
He moans into your mouth as one of your hand's slides between your bodies to cup him through his jeans. His reaction makes you smirk against his lips which must give him some confidence as he nips the bottom of your lip enough to sting, distracting you for long enough for him to move your hand off of his crotch so that he uses one of his hands to pin both your arms above your head leaving you at his mercy.
He keeps you that way as he continues to thrust against you, enjoying the moans he pulls from his lips as you rub yourselves against each other like teenagers.
As one particular grind of his hips brings him back into contact with your sensitive clit, your back arches loving the delicious friction against your bundle of nerves too much for him to move away. The movement causes his free hand that had been resting on your waist to slip under the hem of your rising shirt, allowing for his first brush with the bare skin you usually have hidden away in his presence.
Ever the gentleman, Joel's mouth kisses you once more before he halts his movements to look at you, panting slightly as he tries to catch his breath. The hand beneath your shirt drawing his attention before his eyes flick back up to meet yours. You can see the battle within him as his hand resists moving against your warm skin while he silently seeks your permission to touch you like this. You don’t break eye contact with him as you shake your hands free from where he’d held them against the wall. You keep your eyes on his as one of your hands reaches down to where his own lies under your shirt. You use your own hand to gently guide his up further until they settle on your chest and smiling as he groans at the feeling of your erect nipples beneath his hands. Wondering if his mind has even realized that he didn’t have to reach under a bra or if he’s too lost in the sensation of his fingers so light against you that it drives you wild with anticipation.
“I want this Joel,” you tell him sincerely, voice breaking slightly as his fingers finally sweep over your sensitive skin unable to resist the feel of its warmth on his hands. You know that he wouldn’t even dream of going any further than this until you give him your explicit consent. So that’s what you do. The words tumble out of your mouth blindingly fast as your breath hitches at his fingers continued teasing. “I want whatever you’re willing to give me.”
And just like that, he snaps.
Although he still remains in control of his movements, the hesitancy from before has completely disappeared. His pupils blown wide with lust and desire, hands holding you a little firmer and hips moving faster against your own.
“Fuckkkkk baby if you keep talking like that I’m not going to make it all the way to the bedroom.” He pants against your mouth making you beg for more which he gladly gives, his hands lifting the hem of your shirt.
You lift your arms to make it easier for him to drag the piece of clothing over your head, allowing the cold air to hit your bare and over-sensitive skin as he throws your shirt onto the floor. His eyes remain locked on you and as they slowly drift down from your lips to your now fully exposed chest your feel satisfied that you were right earlier when you thought he had not noticed your lack of bra. His hungry gaze taking in every inch of uncovered skin.
Instead of his mouth returning to yours like you expected, they latch onto the side of your neck. The gentle pull of his mouth alerting you to his intent to mark you. You tilt your neck to better expose the area to him loving the idea of showing up for breakfast tomorrow with his marks on display for any of the women and men who had looked Joel up and down since his arrival in Jackson. The possessiveness of the action turns you on even more than you thought was possible.
Your moans become louder and louder as he continues sucking and nibbling at the skin of your neck before moving his mouth down to repeat the process on the other side of your neck to ensure no one can miss his claim on you.
After taking a moment to admire his work on your reddening skin he finally gives into your whines and slides the fingers of one of his hands down to the waistband of your jeans, slipping just far enough below for him to feel the outline of your panties.
You can’t help but notice the way he’s prioritizing making you feel good even though you can feel how hard he has grown in his painfully tight jeans. You’re almost certain that his pants must be driving him insane as he whimpers slightly at any pressure against his crotch.
But even when you move your hand back down towards his jeans he stops you. Moving your hand away from him lightly as his own fingers continue playing with the elastic band of your panties.
“You’re so beautiful, baby. Let me make you feel good because I’m not going to last long if your pretty little fingers go near my cock again.” The dirty words are matched by the gentle slide of his fingers down to where your panties have been soaked by your arousal. His eyes fill with awe at the feeling of your ruined panties. “You’re already so wet for me baby.” He groans out as his finger nudges the fabric aside so he can touch you just how you want him to.
He’s so busy focusing on the slow drag of his finger over your slick folds that he doesn’t initially notice your hands undoing the buttons of his flannel. You keep your movements slow, not wanting to do anything he isn’t comfortable with. But after a few seconds, he seems to accept the idea of you seeing him without the cover of his shirt. His eyes follow your fingers as they shake from the pressure of his finger against your hole, desire shooting through your body as he presses down just hard enough for the tip of his finger to press into you before pulling back out and sliding his finger up to give you clit some attention instead. The teasing is enough to make you dizzy, your own fingers slipping as they fail to unbutton the rest of his shirt. A weak whimper of frustration as his broad chest remains covered before you.
“Oh baby,” the teasing tone of his voice captures your attention instantly, his eyes sparkling slightly in the moonlight hallway as you continue with your weak attempt to remove his shirt. “Are my fingers already making it this hard for you to think?”
The way he says it is borderline demeaning as he chuckles at your frustration.
“It’s okay to ask for help baby,” he continues noticing you’d given up on your task instead of opting to slip your hand throw the space you’d created from the few buttons you had managed to free before your mind became drunk on the feeling of his fingers. “How about I take you to bed and we can both get rid of all of our clothes before I show you just how good I can make your pretty body feel?”
You nod you’re head, unable to form the words to reply to his question. His words had made you clench in anticipation which he took as his sign to slowly drag his hand from your pants so that it can join his other hand in holding your legs tight around him. You gladly sink into his body as he carries you in the direction of your bedroom that is thankfully only a few seconds away, the door opens so he can continue carrying you into the space you hadn’t been in, in months. You spare a quick glance around to note that even though all your things are exactly where you left them, the room is immaculate. He’s clearly been in to clean it many times since you left making your heartache at the thought of him in here making your room nice for when you finally returned.
When you look back at him you find his eyes already on you, watching your every move intently as he pauses for a moment admiring the way you fit so well against him.
He loves the way your body completely molds to his as he carries you to bed.
You make him feel needed. And as your mouths sloppily press against each other while he backs you up onto your bed, he knows that he doesn’t want to give up another second of this. Desperate to go to bed every night with you safely tucked in his arms and giving him the gift of breaking you apart and more importantly, putting you back together when you want.
As he uses the very arms he’s used to bringing an end to countless lives, to hold you, this dark and terrible world starts to make some sense. He no longer ponders over why he had ‘missed’ that day after the outbreak as the answer to his question was right there in his arms.
It was you.
He finally understood what it was Bill had written about in the letter he’d left for Joel about finding your reason. He was made to protect you. Which he happily will until the day he takes his final breath.
He intends to make sure you know just how loved you are even if he may never be able to say those words.
In this vast and unpredictable world, you cannot promise each other safety, or that you will be able to protect each other from harm.
But you can at least have this. Have each other. Completely and without restraint. Making every moment the two of you manage to survive on this desolate planet worth it. As he looks at your body braced under his, he understands his purpose.
“Make me yours, Joel. Have me in every way you want to.” The words fall from your lips so naturally that you wonder how you’ve resisted ever saying them to him before.
Your eyes have softened from the lustful darkness that had controlled you in the hallway. As you repeat the words to him over and over again, you watch his gaze soften to match yours as he does exactly what he promised out in the hallways.
He makes you his and you make him yours.
He never once puts his own enjoyment above yours as he takes the time to learn what makes you fall apart beneath him, losing all control as the room echoes with the sounds of your moans and the joining of your bodies.
As the two of you lay completely bare, side by side, hours later, his arm resting protectively around you, holding you close as you rest your head against his chest, you listen to the even beats of his heart against you and don’t fear the pull of sleep knowing that nothing can hurt you while you lay in Joel's arms.
It’s only as the gentle oblivion of sleep drags at you that you feel the gentle press of his lips against the crown of your head.
“I’m all yours sweetheart.”
You would face the world and whatever the hell this all means tomorrow. For now, you’d just enjoy a night sleeping in the arms of the man you love.