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There are three things Changbin really truly hates in this world.
First is when he can’t get a sound right in a song he’s been working on for ages.
Second is when Chan is disappointed in him, like, really truly disappointed, and he looks at him with big sad eyes as if to say, ‘how could you let me down, Changbin?’
And third is when Jisung is right.
He’s not often faced with the third, thankfully it doesn’t happen often, and the second has become less frequent over time, with maturity or whatever. But now, he knows he fucked up, because all three things are happening at once. A worst case scenario. A nightmare , some may say.
Sitting in the studio, where he’s pouring over a track that he just can’t get exactly right, Chan staring at him from the couch like he’s kicked a puppy, and Jisung chirping in his ear, an endless stream of words that sound a lot like the truth.
Fuck.
Changbin considers himself an emotionally intelligent person. He would argue that’s why he and Felix are in the situation they’re in in the first place.
Changbin is emotionally intelligent enough to know that he got into a strictly sexual arrangement with Felix because he knew if he got closer, he’d fall unbearably in love with the younger and not be able to let go.
But now, as Jisung hovers over his shoulder and says, “What are you talking about? You’re already in love with him. You have been for at least eight months, if my count is correct.” It sounds right.
More right than any bullshit Changbin’s been trying to convince himself of as a side effect of emotional intelligence, anyway.
But Jisung isn’t right about everything.
By Changbin’s own rough estimate, he’s been in love for a year.
He and Felix met how many modern young people do; on grindr.
It’s not romantic, or special, or anywhere near a good story. One of his biggest hangups is knowing that Felix deserves more.
Felix deserves the meet-cute and the explosive love at first sight soulmate type of romance. Changbin could say he fell in love at first sight, but he thinks he’d fall in love with any pretty boy that rode his dick the way Felix did that first night.
Besides, the real love didn’t come until much later.
There’s a lot of things Changbin likes about himself. He’s honest, straight to the point, doesn’t take shit, he’s fiercely loyal over the people he loves. He also knows that he has a lot on his plate, and he doesn’t like to be selfish.
He feels like if he were to make things real with Felix, instead of just… doing whatever the fuck they’re doing.
“You guys are basically together already, you just don’t call it that,” Jisung adds.
Another concession, he supposes. But he still has a hard time convincing himself he could be a good boyfriend. He wants to be there entirely. He wants to be the most doting and loving and caring boyfriend in the world, because Felix deserves nothing less. Two years ago, when they started hooking up, he couldn’t do that. All he could give was late night calls, hours he wasn’t in the studio, sex.
But things shifted when he found Felix on the couch with Jisung one morning after they fucked. He was emotionally intelligent enough to know then, just by looking into Jisung’s eyes, that his friend wasn’t going to let Felix go. They got on like a house on fire. It’s unfair. Changbin never stood a chance.
Felix started hanging around with his friends, and then they were having dinner before they hooked up, or after, and holding hands and, and, and.
If he and Felix were together for real, nothing much would change at all, though, would it?
They’d still alternate who’s apartment they hang out at, he’d still coddle Felix when he’s sick, and cuddle him after sex, and… God, speaking of the sex. They’d still have amazing sex, all over, in every corner of their apartments, and it would still be just as good, maybe even better. Okay, he’s getting off track thinking about Felix’s lips… and his hands… and…
“It’s just really fucking annoying that the only person you’re not honest with yourself about is Felix, Bin. I think you’re just scared because you know you’ll end up marrying him,” Jisung scoffs, finally settling down on the couch, throwing his feet up in Chan’s lap.
And there, the beat sounds in his headphone, and it’s exactly what he’s been looking for.
“ Shit,” he hisses, rapidly smacking the save button.
“What?” Jisung and Chan speak at once.
Changbin stands, snapping his laptop shut. “You’re right.”
Jisung’s face twists and turns from glee to smug to shock and then all three at once, eyes about to pop out of his skull. He’s attached to Changbin’s arm before he can escape, big pleading eyes on him. “Oh please, Bin, say it again!” Jisung cries.
“Absolutely not, you have two working ears,” he extracts his child from his arm. “Let go of me so I can go see my boyfriend.”
He looks over Jisung’s shoulder to see Chan’s disappointment melting off his face, replaced with a dimpled smile.
All is right in the world.
—
“Baby! I didn’t know you were coming!” Felix grins, and Jesus, he’s the most beautiful thing Changbin has ever seen.
He doesn’t have time to respond before Felix launches himself forward, leaping to wrap his legs around Changbin’s waist, arms at his neck. Felix knows he can do this because he knows Changbin will catch him every time.
Changbin’s hands come up, landing, unfairly distractingly, on Felix’s ass.
Then Felix is kissing him.
It’s not rushed, it’s slow and warm, similar to the feeling of laying under the early evening sun. He could kiss Felix forever.
He will kiss Felix forever.
He steps into the apartment, kicking the door closed behind them, swallowing Felix’s pleased noises like he’s starving for them.
Fuck. Why is he here again? He never thought himself the type to be kissed stupid. But he also never thought himself the type to bag an angel.
“Shit, baby,” he says, pulling away. Felix whines as he chases after his mouth. “I came here for a reason,” he gets out after a few more lazy kisses.
Felix’s grin turns sly. “To fuck me until I forget my name, yeah? I know you, Binnie.”
Changbin moves quicker than Felix this time, tossing him on the couch before he can drag him back into his seductive little mouth again. Felix pouts, now splayed out below him.
“No, I need to ask you something,” he says, ultimately giving in to the younger’s magnetic pull and dropping on the couch next to him.
Felix wastes no time climbing onto his lap, throwing his legs over to straddle him, eyes big and bright. Changbin’s hands come up to his waist automatically. He fucking loves Felix’s body. How he fits so perfectly in his hands, how he bends and melts at his touch.
Changbin can’t hold back his groan when Felix attaches his pretty lips to his neck, leaving little love bites along the column of his throat. He fucking loves this man.
“Will you come to the lake house with me this year?” he chokes out through the heady haze settling over his brain. He won’t let Felix’s irresistible nature stop him from confessing his love, god damn it.
Felix pulls back, bottom lip held between his teeth as he smiles. He’s shining. He’s perfect. He runs his delicate fingers across Changbin’s face, swiping away his bangs, trailing down his cheek. Felix does this often; just stares and touches Changbin’s features, like he’s taking them in new every time.
The way Felix touches him never gets old. The way he’s able to inject electricity into Changbin’s very core through the pads of his fingers.
“I thought the lake trip was boyfriend reserved,” he says, soft and low, thumb roving over Changbin’s eyelashes.
Changbin has to close one eye and keep the other open. It’s hard, but he’s unwilling to stop looking at Felix. “Right,” he breathes, willing his heart rate to lower. “I was hoping the yes would be bi-fold.”
Felix’s hand comes to rest at the curve between his jaw and neck, warm and solid. “You’d have to ask first, baby,” he says, running his tongue along his lip, unable to subdue his smile. “Or else I can only give you one answer.”
Changbin looks in his eyes, which he's already been doing, but he allows himself to read into the shine instead of merely admiring it.
He knows Felix almost as well as he knows himself. He knows Felix. He knows the stars in his eyes, what each of them mean, he was just never willing to pick them out and do the work of interpretation.
One, hope; another, love; a third, joy.
He could scoop the stars from Felix’s eyes forever. He’s never going to stop.
“I love you,” he says, and it feels like the sun is rising inside his chest.
Felix smiles, and more stars appear for the taking, Changbin’s light emitting onto him.
“That wasn’t a question,” he teases, but Changbin doesn’t feel embarrassed. “But I love you too.”
“You do?” Changbin is smiling back, his cheeks ache with it. He doesn’t need to ask, not really, but he just wants to hear it, even if he’s read it in Felix’s eyes before it’s spoken.
“Of course I do,” Felix presses a light kiss on his lips, pulls away before Changbin can keep him there. “It’s always been you, Bin, I was just waiting for you to be brave.”
“It’s always been you for me too,” Changbin admits.
“I know,” Felix scrunches up his nose. “I wouldn’t have waited around so long for you to figure it out if I didn’t know. Besides, we’ve basically been dating for a year and a half anyway, ever since you found me and Jisung on the couch that day.”
“I just wish I could give you more,” Changbin says, leaning in until their foreheads rest together.
Felix’s fingers snake back into his hair, rubbing into his scalp, soothing. “What do you mean, baby?”
“Like… Jesus Lix, you deserve the fucking world,” he says, eyes pinched shut. “You deserve an extravagant love story, and the meet cute, and love at first sight. All that shit. It’s too late for me to give you those firsts. That’s why I’ve been scared. I want to be everything you deserve.”
“Binnie, love,” Felix murmurs, pressing the lightest kiss to Changbin’s mouth. “Look at me.”
Changbin doesn’t need to be told twice, lashes fluttering, leaning back just enough to drink in the whole of Felix.
“Baby,” Felix smiles, and Changbin swears his freckles are sparking like the stars in his eyes. “All I’ve ever wanted is you. Fuck all that shit. We can do it, if you want. Let’s go recreate a lifetime where we meet in a coffee shop, or when you’re my cashier at the movies,” Felix’s smile is growing bigger the more he rambles on.
Changbin is in awe of him.
“We can pretend that we’re having our first kiss, we can do it somewhere romantic, and we can have a big first date and pretend to meet each other for the first time all over again. We can do it all, Binnie,” Felix’s hands grip him tight, holding him by the cheeks now. “It will all be perfect as long as it’s you. It doesn’t matter. In every lifetime we’re doing all of those things. We’re fuckin’... starcrossed or something.”
Changbin laughs, “Lixie, I think starcrossed is a bad thing, babe.”
“Whatever!” the younger yelps, smacking him lightly on the shoulder. “We’re written in the stars, okay? Is that better?”
“Be my boyfriend, Lix,” Changbin can barely get his words out through his blinding happiness.
“Yes,” Felix kisses him again, pulling away much too soon. “Yes, and yes. That’s three yeses for the price of two.”
“How did I get so fucking lucky?”
“I don’t know. Maybe you can tell me about it while we roleplay you romantically taking my virginity,” Felix teases, cut off with a gasp when Changbin lifts them up, heading for the bedroom.
“Whatever you want, princess. I’d pull down the fucking stars if you asked.”
Felix blushes in that beautiful way that spreads all the way down his chest. “And you say men on Grindr aren’t romantic.”
—
“Damn. I always thought Jisung would be the first to get married,” Chan slurs, already too drunk to function. “He’s a total hopeless romantic.”
Felix laughs. It’s still Changbin’s favorite sound in the world, even now, over a year into their official relationship.
“We’re not married yet, Channie, don’t worry, Jisung still has time,” Felix smiles, stars in his eyes, from his place opposite Changbin in the living room.
“Aw shit. I totally thought you were wearing a wedding dress,” Chan whines, sinking into his armchair.
Chan almost never lets himself get this drunk, but Jeongin had claimed ‘birthday boy privileges,’ and managed to feed him an unknown number of shots. It’s fantastic.
Changbin looks up and down at Felix’s all white ensemble. At least Chan can still see color.
“Don’t worry, Channie,” Changbin drawls. “You’ll be the first to know when I propose.”
“Awww, do you mean it?” Chan coos, making grabby hands for him, easily batted away.
Jisung suddenly comes back to life, also seemingly in the throes of ‘birthday boy privilege’ stupor. “Am I just really fucked up or does Kim Seungmin look super hot tonight?”
“See!” Felix chirps. “Jisungie is well on his way to the altar!”
Changbin snorts. He fucking hopes Jisung doesn’t pursue Seungmin. They’d be a terrible match.
He barely has time to think about it, though. Fuck Jisung.
There’s an angel across the way giving him eyes like he wants to redo their first kiss for the nth time.