Chapter Text
The First but not Last Time Mark Truly Fucks Up
The first time Mark falls in love, it’s Donghyuck’s fault. He remembers it like it was yesterday.
It was dumb, and nothing out of the ordinary. It was just them, talking at their favorite kimchi jjigae place yet again. But Mark remembers everything. From the baggy, brown hoodie Hyuck was wearing, to the pimple on his still chubby jaw. He remembers the perfume of the ajumma who brought their food over, and the drunk, noisy teenagers on the table beside them. He remembers thinking Donghyuck looked particularly breathtaking under warm lights — even cheap, glitching ones.
Hell, he remembers everything except what the fuck they were talking about. His brain was overloaded on Donghyuck Donghyuck Donghyuck and the sudden realization of I love Donghyuck . He couldn’t exactly focus on the conversation, okay?
He knew it back then.
The first time Mark gets his heart broken, it’s Donghyuck’s fault too. Although he’s not fond of remembering this one.
(Not like he can erase it from his head, which seems to fix itself on everything Hyuck does. He can’t forget it; how Donghyuck went missing from the waiting room like one’s not supposed to do — and came back with a smug smirk and purplish collarbones. That first time, he left with another band’s guitarist. The next time, with a different one. They come to expect it, but Mark never gets quite used to it).
Donghyuck says it’s something magic about their fingers. Mark thinks it’s just a guitarist fetish (justifiably so).
“G-spot is a term derived from guitarist, actually. Comes from latin and everything, look it up, Milk!” the younger boy keeps insisting, an air of annoying, pure male satisfaction surrounding him every time.
Mark is sure about two things: 1) Donghyuck is lying about the G-spot, 2) Donghyuck has probably had a taste of every guy who can decently play a guitar (in their industry, that’s a fuckton of people) — except for himself.
That is, until the First but not Last time that Mark Truly Fucks Up. D-Day (non-intended pun), if he may.
It’s not all his fault, he knows that. Donghyuck is the one who came home smelling like fried food and soju, dressed in tight ripped jeans, with his shirt halfway open. And well, Mark can’t help but notice how pretty he looks with flushed cheeks, an easy, dopey smile and the mole on his chest out for him to see.
“Hyuck, let’s get you to bed,” he says, hooking an arm around the boy’s tiny waist. What he isn’t expecting is Donghyuck’s hands against his chest, pushing him firmly till he falls backward on the sofa.
“Took you long enough,” he leans down, lips hot and soft, prodding Mark’s own to open for him.
“C’mon, you’re drunk,” he tries to back off. “It’s just me, Mark.”
“I’m not the lightweight here, dude. I know .”
And maybe it makes him an awful person, but Mark succumbs.
***
10 years before The First but not Last Time Mark Truly Fucks Up
Mark knows, from the second he meets him, that Donghyuck will be the end of him — he’s not sure how, yet, but he knows.
God, Mark hates his guts. This boy with the unnecessarily quick Korean, sharp tongue and sharper eyes. Him, who teases Mark so badly that he doesn’t need to understand the language to see he’s being poked at for fun. Him, who is a born star with everything in his favor.
Mark even tried the whole revenge thing, but it didn’t stick. Once, he sprinkled water on the younger over some petty fight — instead of a satisfying victory, he got a whole bottle dumped over his head.
(He finds out soon enough: Donghyuck is good at holding grudges, and even better at punishing you for them).
He appears everywhere. In all Mark can see, touch and smell. All he can feel. Mark hates him, but he can’t deny the change in the room when he’s not around, just as he can’t deny how much he’s changed his perception of everything that was once important to him.
Part of the problem, he’ll admit, is how much Donghyuck likes Mark. He stays close all the time, waits for him after practice, and hugs Mark every chance he gets. He learns songs in English to get Mark to help him with his pronunciation and dances until he makes him double over with laughter. He downloads movies on his IPad for them to watch together, snuggled in Mark’s bed and reminds him just how cute he is every day.
“You’re my favorite, Mark,” Donghyuck whispers at night, hair still damp with sweat, t-shirt stained orange with ramen.
Mark shakes him off. “It’s hyung for you.”
“I don’t want you to be my hyung,” he pouts, lips pink and dry. “Then I’ll just be one more dongsaeng in your list.”
“What are we then?”
“Soulmates. Duh.”
The elder scoffs, but is too tired to argue. He knows one can never win an argument against Donghyuck, anyway.
The worst part is, Mark can’t stop thinking about him. Whenever he hears Bieber on his playlist, he’s taken back to him singing Baby in a practice room with blue walls. Whenever he smells Korean food, he thinks about what Donghyuck would’ve said about it, if he would’ve added kimchi to it too. Whenever he sees the sun, he wonders if he should take a picture only to send it to him .
Mark really can’t express just how much he hates Donghyuck. Truly.
***
8 years before The First but not Last Time Mark Truly Fucks Up
Okay, so maybe Mark was going through puberty. You can’t blame him.
It takes him two whole years, because he’s slow like that, but Mark eventually figures out that hating Donghyuck is virtually impossible. Plus, he’s a great friend. From just nuisance he becomes nuisance and comfort — and the person who knows Mark better than he knows himself.
And oh, does Mark worry about that. When you spend your life pretending, it’s easy to lose yourself. To a better version of you, maybe. To a shallower one, probably. To someone you don’t recognize anymore, at the end.
Sure, he is pure and loves music and is a good person. He has a heart of gold. But hearts are muscles, after all — and muscles change. They can grow and shrink. They have memory, but it’s short and selective. You should never trust something as bendable as a heart.
Bones though… bones are a whole other matter. They tell stories of time, of breaks and mends. They don’t quite disappear or transform when routine takes a different turn. They’re hard as facts, stubborn as rocks.
Mark might have a heart of gold, but Donghyuck has a spine of bone.
It’s only natural for him to become Mark's anchor. For him to be the first to notice his new catchwords and his current habits and his latest insecurities. For him to be the wall he smashes against, if he runs too far or too fast or too much.
And he knows Mark way too well for him to be able to hide it; it’s not a surprise when Donghyuck approaches him well into the night, in their dim-lit kitchen, stealing his hard-cooked ramen, only to pat his shoulder and say, with his still-unbroken-boyish voice: “Don’t worry, Maelk. By my side, you’ll become the real you.”
Mark is too tired to deny it. “How?”
The younger shrugs. “If I can get under your skin, that means I can push you out of it, too.”
“I’m not sure that’s how it works.”
“Don’t challenge my wisdom, Mark Lee, you’ll regret it.”
In the beginning, it takes time, like most things do. But little by little, Donghyuck coaxes Mark out of his shell. He talks more, laughs louder, and allows himself to be playful.
So Mark grabs his borrowed spine and grows grows grows . His type A personality shows itself fully; he stays away from distractions and engages only in work-mode. Sure, he has fun, but there’s only one priority on his list.
And through it all, there’s Donghyuck, holding him steady and upright.
It’s only natural for Mark to fall. He couldn’t help it even if he tried to. (And he didn’t exactly have time to try, he’s a busy guy, okay?)
Mark is dense, not dumb. He realizes what exactly he feels for Hyuck much quicker than anyone gives him credit for — but that doesn’t mean he acts on it.
The entertainment world is a scary place, especially for young boys, new careers and big dreams. The last thing Mark wants is to destroy the future they’ve all worked so hard for, just to be himself. Not now, when their plumage is too new to fly high and their skin is not thick enough to withstand the fall… not when experience or fame can’t protect them yet.
So Mark falls and knows and makes choices. And maybe he doesn’t fuck up that badly, but he kinda does. Just a bit.
(He’ll die before he admits it to Hyuck, though).
***
6 years before The First but not Last Time Mark Truly Fucks Up
Mark is hardworking and persevering, but he’s not exactly patient. And Donghyuck excels at testing his already-limited patience.
He doesn't only mean the excessive jokes during practice, or his grating familiarity with choreographers and coaches, or his stealing-water-bottles-from-other-members habit.
He means with his blatant affection; the heated gazes he sends his way when Mark raps his verse on Baby don’t like it, and the sweaty hugs he insists on giving him during practice. He means the hours Donghyuck will wait outside the recording booth for him, and the simplicity of his lack of sleep when it comes to Mark needing a meal at asscrack o’clock in the morning.
Because Mark is a weak man and he. Can’t. Take. It . He just can’t. Not when he’s not mature enough to hug him back, or brave enough to coo over him, or free enough to tell him every unholy thought he’s ever had about his thighs. He simply can’t do it.
He needs to work, and Donghyuck is too distracting, okay? Not god’s strongest soldier, you see.
Asking Donghyuck to stop has never been an option, though.
“I want to switch rooms,” he tells his hyungs.
“What?!”
“But you and Donghyuck…you two have been taking care of each other for years now,” Taeyong says.
“I can’t deal with him anymore,” he (kinda) lies through his teeth. “He’s overbearing and loud and bossy,” he whines. And if he wasn’t so whipped, he’d believe what he’s saying.
“It’s never bothered you before,” Doyoung points out, while Taeyong adds: “Which is why you’re soulmates.”
“He made the soulmate thing up to torture me on camera.”
At this point he’s just relying on everything his prepubescent self thought when he still hated Hyuck. (And honestly, he was dumb dum b back then).
Anyway. He gets what he wants because no one can deny a golden child anything, especially when they don’t usually ask for much.
When he gets to his room, Hyuck’s things are already packed up. He doesn’t know which of the hyungs was quick enough to tell him so soon, but he’s glad he could avoid the confrontation.
Hyuck would spot his bullshit a mile away. And then Mark would have been punished with the rage of a petty Donghyuck (not pretty, at all)..
(Actually… maybe pretty because it’s Hyuck but you get it).
***
5 years before The First but not Last Time Mark Truly Fucks Up
Whether you like the attention or not, it’s hard to have it and then have it disappear.
It’s hard for Mark, because he goes from needing a break, to competing for Hyuck’s attention. It’s hard in the way it’s hard to leave coffee or sugar; you don’t realize how much you rely on it, till it’s taken away — your days feel longer, craving it every moment.
He’s aware of how unhealthy it sounds, trust him. Therefore, he tries not to think much of it, and just gets used to it. It’s not like Hyuck disappears from his life or anything; he still teases him relentlessly, still steals his food and still talks (yells) to him when they’re on opposite sides of the table.
It’s different, though. Mark is dense, that’s already been established, but if there’s one thing he’s hyper focused on, it’s Hyuck.
Donghyuck is a shameless boy, the kind that doesn’t keep his affections hidden near his heart, but out in the open. And he used to be shameless about loving Mark, too… Let’s be honest, that sort of personality trait isn’t just erased, so Mark knows exactly what changed.
He did say it; if grudge-holding was a sport, Hyuck would be the world’s most renowned champion.
It was to be expected. And he’s glad, really. He can love Donghyuck from afar if it’s unrequited, he thinks.
(Also, there’s the pretty evident matter of the guitarists, and Hyuck’s developed taste for them. Which, yeah… he can draw conclusions).
Eventually, he gets used to it. More or less, anyway; he learns how to behave the way any other friend would, and how to reign in all the strange feelings that come with that.
He gets to the point where he’s even over it, dates a girl or two to prove it. They’re in two units together, share a dorm and almost every schedule. Even for a man in love, it’s too much time together (hell, half of the marriages work because they don’t have to see each other all day long, he’s sure. Don’t ask for his sources, though).
They are overworked boys, tiredness weighs on them and wears off their relationship. Some days, Mark can’t take his eyes off Hyuck, and some days, he considers murder. Seriously, it doesn’t matter what Donghyuck does or doesn’t do, he complicates Mark’s life.
One way to the other, Mark convinces himself that he’s fine. He’s okay. He’s great . With time, he grows his own spine and he even comes to believe he wants Donghyuck but no longer needs him.
Then sees Donghyuck’s sweaty form on the ground, lithe fingers holding his ankle, he hears the sob he can’t swallow — and everything he’d worked on flies out of the window.
Mark is beside him in record-time, engulfing his shaking shoulders with an arm, and trying to hold his tears at bay with a gentle hand on his cheek.
“It’ll be okay, Hyuck,” he repeats. To comfort the younger as much as to comfort himself. And Donghyuck hides his face in Mark’s not-yet-broad shoulders until his shirt is wet with sadness.
Doyoung and their manager carry him out into the ambulance. Mark is told he can’t follow him. But, by some dumb hope, he still shouts after him: “I’ll be waiting for you at home!”
That’s when he realizes he’s still an idiot.
Mark’s hard-earned steadiness, peace with his feelings and New Year resolutions go to hell the second Hyuck gets hurt. Because that’s simply the way his brain works, okay? No Hyuck, no life, ask anyone with taste.
He thought the touching and whining and limits were hard… thought his life was hard when Donghyuck was around. Because he can’t help noticing him, wanting him, loving him.
It takes him being injured for Mark to see life is never easier than when Hyuck is with him. With the jokes, the tiredness and the understanding. With the constancy of it all. With the forever that follows them both.
He might not need Hyuck to stand, but he needs him to breathe. He needs him to focus. He needs him, just him, around, happy and healthy and safe.
Donghyuck doesn’t come back home — well, at least he doesn’t come back home to Mark. He does end up in his parents’ house.
Days pass and things don’t stop, not to grieve and not to comfort. They’re on a tight schedule, after all.
Mark doesn’t have time to sleep, eat or even shower properly. Practice practice practice is all that exists for him in those days. Logically, he shouldn’t have time to worry or think about Donghyuck.
He guesses his brain got rewired when he met Hyuck. There’s no other explanation to his inability to stop him from running through his mind all the fucking time.
He has to let it out in some way, okay? A late-night-almost-dawn call was the best option.
“How you doing, dude?”
“Fine. I got a very interesting picture from the hyungs,” Donghyuck tells him on the other side of the line. “You like me so much, Maekgeolli.”
Mark can’t deny the sunflower picture or the whole ‘liking Donghyuck’ allegations, so he only reminds him: “Hyung.”
“If you’d told me an injury would make me gain such respect, I would’ve done it before!”
He has to laugh. Because, honestly, he’s so glad to just hear Hyuck’s chirpy voice that he can’t keep the smile off his face. “You’re such a menace.”
“And you miss me like crazy.”
“Yeah,” it slips out of his mouth before he adds: “We all do.”
What he doesn’t say is how wrong it feels to dream without him. How he'll never take him for granted again. How he prays desperately to have him back soon, if only to see him shine, even far away from himself.
What he doesn’t ask is for Hyuck to lend him his words, so Mark can lend him his voice in exchange. So that he can carry him along through the distance.
“Visit me before you leave for tour, Lee.”
“Okay.”
***
4 years before The First but not Last Time Mark Truly Fucks Up
It takes an injury, almost a whole year and debuting in yet another group, for Mark to see that his present will never catch up to him if he keeps running towards the future.
And maybe he should follow tumblr’s advice for once and live in the moment, you know? Consciously enjoy what he has today, while he works for tomorrow. In every sense, too, not only professionally (although that does take most of his time).
It wasn’t a conclusion he got to for his own wellbeing. As usual, Hyuck is the trigger, the reason and the booster.
Mark has always been someone who wants, and wants a lot. He wants to make a difference, to share his music, to bring happiness to people, to see the world, to make his parents proud, to learn to play the electric guitar and so many more things. And he’s always been super determined when it comes to his goals.
But he knows what he doesn’t want, too. He doesn’t want the tiredness, the frustration, the hopelessness. He doesn’t want the worried stares from people who care about him.
There’s a time when you just realize your pasts and futures are so tightly interwoven, that your life isn’t as yours as you thought it was — it’s his too. As his is yours. And Donghyuck deserves to enjoy every single moment of their lives.
So he decides that he deserves to go back to being the child he left behind when he got on a plane to Korea. A lot excited, a little clumsy, and uncaring of what the world could say about him or his dreams. Shy, but shameless, in a way.
He also decides that he wants to love Donghyuck in a different way than he did before. He simply opts for giving and giving and giving, without wanting anything in return — because having Hyuck by his side is enough, more than enough.
Donghyuck is his opposing half in this matter, though. He’s always been a taker. And finally , Mark is ready to give in.
Because maybe Hyuck held him close to his heart before. But Mark has him written on his bones.
Hell, if he got his ribs x-rayed he’d probably be able to see it, the imprint he left. Bold and unashamed and never to be erased. Hyuck. Hyuck. Hyuck .
That’s not the point, though. The point is, that when Donghyuck texts him to tell him SuperM Mark looks good on you, Mark just has to call (and avoid the heat on his cheeks, at least by digging his face in the cold, hard pillows of his bed).
He picks up after two rings. “You should be asleep, Milk.”
“Hey to you too,” he slurs, voice raspy with sleep. “Did you eat yet?”
He hears Donghyuck sigh over the line.
“I’m eating. You? Was dinner nice?”
“Yeah,” he answers. It would've been nicer with you here, he doesn’t say.
There’s silence on the line, but neither of them cares; they’ve grown way too comfortable with each other to be bothered by long silences. In fact, Mark finds it kinda comforting: if he closes his eyes, he can imagine Hyuck by his side, even with the ocean between them.
“Go to sleep, Mark.”
“Don’t wanna,” he replies, like sleep isn’t digging its claws on the back of his eyelids.
“Call me again when you wake up, there’s a game you should play with me,” Donghyuck says instead.
Mark sucks at video games almost as much as he hates aegyo, but he’d do anything for Hyuck. Including, sadly, accepting defeat.
“Alright. Have a nice day, Hyuck.”
“Goodnight, Markles.”
***
3 years before The First but not Last Time Mark Truly Fucks Up
Usually, the person you fall for, is not the same person you remain in love with. Because people change, but mostly, because people need time to show themselves as they truly are.
Hyuck, though… Everything was always crystal clear with him. He was bold and shameless and didn’t care for what others thought. So, Mark had an advantage and a derailment: he always knew . Falling in love with Donghyuck wasn’t something quick — it was never something as simple as a crush — it was slow, painful, and honest. Raw.
He could tell, you know?
Therefore, Mark knew Donghyuck was an irremediable flirt since they were thirteen. Confirmed it when the guitarist fetish took flight. What he didn’t know was just how jealous he could be over it.
It’s pretty ridiculous. Not something he’s proud of, honestly.
But Donghyuck is impossible. Impossible not to like him and his smiles. Impossible not to dream about his voice and skin. Impossible not to be drawn to his charisma and wit. Simply impossible not to fall for him.
Being a people magnet is not his fault. Flirting with every person he attracts, though… But you know what? Fuck his life, he’s in love.
(And, while he loves innocently like a child, he loves pettily too. For the full experience, obviously).
Mark is competitive and protective of the things and people he holds dear. But he has always been someone who admires people and artists without hesitance. And he greatly values his coworkers — but Jung Sungchan and Liu Yangyang…
It’s ridiculous, again , he knows. Sungchan is a sweetheart with a crush, and he doesn’t even play the guitar. Plus, Donghyuck has never hooked up with someone younger than him (don’t ask how he knows that).
And Yangyang is probably in a secret relationship with Renjun. Which means that his infatuation with Hyuck is momentary and he’s strictly off limits.
Yet, Mark can’t help pressing his lips tightly together to hold back mean words when Sungchan follows Hyuck like a puppy. Or bite back his whining when Donghyuck chooses Sungchan as his favorite member. Or hold still when all he wants to do is scream ‘NOTICE ME , DONGHYUCK FUCKING LEE!!’
(Because he’s the one who loves him. He’s the one who craves him. He’s the one who waits for him and cries with him and adores him. And of course, Hyuck notices that; he just doesn’t seem to care anymore).
“I also have a mole under my lip,” he points out during recording. And he waits, with his heart in his throat as Donghyuck takes his chin between his thumb and forefinger to look closely at Mark’s mouth.
“Nah.”
It’s truly difficult for Mark to understand Donghyuck these days, too. One moment, Donghyuck claims to be soulmate, and basks under Mark’s attention as they film Sun&Moon. Next thing he knows, he’s taking the new members to their kimchi place, and forgetting all about Mark.
Mark dresses up as a hockey player and Donghyuck calls him cute until his ears go pink — but he looks at Mark like he’d dine on him right there, in the rink, if he could (and honestly, Mark would let him, frostbitten ass be damned).
So what, if Mark pretends not to know how to ice-skate to get his attention for a little while? So what, if that’s what he needs to do for the younger to hold his hands? Mark’s said it before, it’s not like he’s god’s strongest soldier.
Freezing his balls off, wearing uncomfortable skates that dig into his dry skin, and with way too much spray on his hair, Mark is happy. Because his cold fingers are covered in Hyuck’s warm ones. Because his tripping made Hyuck laugh so beautifully. Because he’s whipped and Donghyuck is confusing as fuck, but his broadening shoulders look awesome in sportswear.
Donghyuck takes a strand of Mark’s hair and places it behind his ear. “I thought black was your color, but no blonde could compare to you,” he says, like it’s nothing.
“You look prettier,” he stutters out.
“I always do.”
***
2 years before The First but not Last Time Mark Truly Fucks Up
Adventures are great. And Mark loves them; he learns a lot, discovers some more and has all the fun in the world.
But adventures mean risk. You need faith to jump into one, knowing this person who’s jumping will not be the one that comes back — if they come back. You need to be brave to leave, but braver to face the awful idea that home might not be home anymore. That new dreams don’t always sum up but take the place of old ones. That people change, and if they don’t change with you, you might change apart and into different paths forever.
Mark could never look at the Dreamies with eyes that had goodbyes in them. But he knew the end of an era would happen, even if he didn’t want to look at it. So he faith-jumped into SuperM, even if it didn't fill their space.
That’s another reason why Mark is so thankful for Hyuck. He made sure Mark was there for Dream, even when he shouldn’t be; he kept him in the group chat and brought him along to the dorm and called all the time during filming. He asked for his opinion on Dream’s new songs and choreos, and made a special video when he couldn’t attend their first concert.
Getting back to Dream… Well, Mark was beyond himself with happiness. But he also worried things would’ve changed too much for him to, I don’t know, feel like he was really back home.
Donghyuck proves him wrong. Completely.
“I’m sharing a bed with Mark,” he states out loud and proud at dinner, winner’s smile on his face.
“No, you’re not, “ Mark tries to fight him. Or at least pretend to.
“I don’t think you’ll say no to me.”
“I don't think so either.” A giggle escapes him.
Contrary to people’s beliefs, Mark has grown up. Now, every time he pushes Donghyuck away, he fears it will work; that he’ll stay away just as he did back in 2018. That he’ll hold on to that grudge until it’s big enough to smash them. That they won’t be able to come back from it, this time.
So he plays push-and-pull with Donghyuck for fun, but makes sure he stays close, by the end of it.
After all these years, Mark has decided it’s time to stop being an idiot. For real, he swears.
So he happily lets Donghyuck lie down by his side. He lets him tell a ridiculous bed-time story while he rubs his chest, lets him wound his arms around him as he falls asleep. And he lets him do it with a soft smile and closed eyes and sure heart.
Mark is happy to have Hyuck sleep by him, but he’s happier to wake up next to him, with tangled legs and bedsheets, with nest-y hair and bleary eyes.
Love just tastes better in the morning, you know? Softer, somehow. Homey, definitely.
Mark wishes they could wake up like this more often (not all the time. Like, he doesn’t have a king sized bed, although it’s already on his bucket list). Also, not so fucking early, but well, you get his point.
He sees Donghyuck wake up only to go back to sleep, and he stays in bed a little longer just to see the rise and fall of the pile of blankets over him.
This messy haired guy who’s drooling on the pillow holds Mark’s everything so tightly in his fist. Him being there, changes it all. He’s the reason why Mark is unafraid.
If it wasn’t for his profession, Mark would have a serious case of overthinking-ness. But he has a busy schedule, and tiredness usually slows down his train of thought, so… Anyway, it’s nice to be like this, to have time to just be .
You might think this is going nowhere because Mark keeps going on tangents about Donghyuck — and you’re absolutely right.
The thing is, Mark doesn’t see a soft Donghyuck very often. Sure, the guy has always been cute, but he’s also been a sly fox all along. Cutesy stuff doesn’t count when it has a hidden motive, you know.
Because someone like Hyuck can switch from a “Baby, I’ll always be by your side” in an interview, to “Do Secret Garden Kiss with me” on filmed content. Because he can make fun of Mark and make his heart flutter at the same time. Because he can flirt and aegyo his way into getting Mark to do anything.
Don’t be fooled. Donghyuck is a mastermind in these games; he knows perfectly well what he’s doing.
But this, this bareness he sees so rarely nowadays… nothing could compare. So yes, Mark stares creepily for a few minutes before he gets up to cook breakfast.
And he knows his home will always be big enough to take him back in.
***
1 year before The First but not Last Time Mark Truly Fucks Up
At this point, Mark keeps coming to the same conclusion: loving Donghyuck comes naturally to him. It’s not hard to love Hyuck — but it’s not easy either. Not when he’s trying to be subtle, to some extent.
He can’t help it, really. Can’t help putting his hand on the small of his back when they climb on stage, or staring at him when he foregos his shirt for practice, or fearing Donghyuck will be able to feel his heartbeat when he hugs him.
Sometimes, he even comes to believe that Hyuck might still feel the same way.
Like when he pats his hair and smiles, “Well done, Markles,” after a long schedule. Or when he places a possessive hand on his knee when Mark’s been talking to Yuta for too long. Or when he laughs and instinctually looks for Mark’s gaze…
The thing is, if Hyuck had a dollar for every guitarist he’s had, his fortune would be even bigger than it is now.
Why doesn't Mark just stop his suffering and overcomplication, and just ask? 1) Because he’s kind of a masochist and likes drama (he’s Hyuck biased, like, it’s obvious), and 2) because he’s a scaredy cat when it comes to Hyuck.
Mark might look great on stage and have big dick energy, but he’s scared of so many things. He fears heights, speed and even the microwave (reasonably so, if you ask him). Just imagine how terrified he is of fucking things up with his life-long best friend.
Ding ding ding! Very scared.
A rational person would point out that the signs are there. Mark would tell them that Donghyuck is really good at fucking people in closets and bathrooms (quiet and with no obvious evidence), but he knows.
He doesn’t expect anything to happen. And he’s fine where he is, he swears. Wanting something can make you very unhappy. So, Mark doesn’t want — or he tries not to, anyway.
Donghyuck actually succeeded in making Mark his most real self, through all these years. What he wants, he wants for real. And there’s nothing more real than Mark letting go to keep close.
Problem being that Mark doesn’t want to have . It’d probably be easier to focus on guilt and greed if what he wanted was having Donghyuck for himself — but all Mark wants is to give everything to Donghyuck.
And love is a little all-consuming when no one bothers to give some back.
Loving Hyuck might be second nature for Mark. But even he gets tired sometimes. Even he craves for a change when he’s desperate. Even he wishes he could say no to the scraps of Donghyuck’s affection.
“Move over, Mark,” Donghycuk says as he gets under Mark’s covers, late into the night, smelling like cheap cologne he’d never wear. Mark doesn’t need to be a genius to figure out where he’s been.
“ Hyuck ,” he whines. And probably, the younger boy won’t understand. He makes excuses for the awful, churning feeling in his stomach; “Just take a shower.”
Donghyuck does get out of the bed, bratty mouth complaining, like always: “You are no boss of me.”
In the darkness of his room, Mark can see him peel off his clothes, let them fall to the ground. He can almost see the redness of the hickeys over Hyuck’s beautiful, broad body. And again, he pulls at the covers Mark’s gripping in his fist, close to his chest.
“I’m your hyung, be good,” he gives a last try with no hope for success.
Donghyuck scoffs, finally pulling the covers free. He lies down next to Mark, so close that he can feel the heat on his skin. That he can breathe in that scent that’s only Hyuck’s, in the crook of his neck.
“I refuse to be your dongsaeng. You have so many of those already.”
Mark can’t tell Hyuck he’d never let another person sleep in his bed half-naked and reeking of someone else. He can’t explain to him that it doesn’t even matter; that Hyuck is made of stars and all Mark can do is bask in his light, burn away in his heat. He can’t form the words to say that planets don’t choose the sun that puts them in orbit, but Mark would choose Hyuck in every universe.
So he keeps giving; he wraps an arm around Donghyuck’s tiny waist, buries his face in his neck, uses his other hand to pet his hair until he falls asleep. And if his lips leave a feather-kiss on bronze skin, only the night will know.