Chapter Text
month 1
She had known almost immediately, but this time was different, or at least she prayed it would be. Her breasts became sore, her lower abdomen becoming ever so slightly tender. Migraines started a few days after Joel and her had last fucked, and of course, the slight nauseous feeling and vertigo came in the wee hours of the morning until midday when she forced herself to get up and work to send her mind elsewhere.
This was a blessing. The safety of Jackson and the community and family within gave her the comfort she needed and wanted to move forward with her life, to build something of her own. Would she say the same if she was outside the walls? Unlikely, but the time, effort and friendships that had been forged in Jackson were more than enough to guarantee that she was valued and loved by the community no matter the circumstances.
Telling Joel that she was pregnant again both excited and scared her in a way. He had already lost so much. Sarah was his firstborn child, dying in his arms and forever changing the trajectory of his life. Ellie was the daughter he needed, whom he let himself open up to and guide through life as if she was his blood. In all regards, he saw her as such.
But the loss of their last child was almost too much for him to handle. Joel was at the point where showing and sharing his feelings was a normal occurrence between himself and his girl. As word spread around Jackson about her miscarriage, Joel kept his head down, burying himself in work. There was nothing anyone could’ve done. It was only in the second month, and without modern medicine and technology there was nothing that could have predicted what would happen other than whatever mother nature decided to do. He would build and scavenge and ride and hunt and guard and work and work and work until his hands bled and he smelled like a rotting corpse. He would forget to eat, downing coffee and bourbon like they were the most important life forces on the earth. She knew he was hurting, and he knew she was as well. But this time, something just snapped in him, he couldn’t bear to process his thoughts and emotions at all. Not after Sarah. Not after being so close to losing Ellie. Another loss.
But when he came home late one night, in the early hours of the morning, seeing her figure laying in their shared bed, he broke. He collapsed to his knees in front of the bed, head buried in his hands as he wept and wept and wept. She turned over, carding her fingers through his hair, shushing him as he finally let himself feel everything from the past week.
“I’m sorry” he whispered.
“I love you,” she replied. She quietly pulled the covers down and stepped onto the floor, soft footsteps sounding as she knelt next to Joel with his glossy and dissociative stare at the wall,
“Let’s clean you up my love.” All he could do was nod in response and she took his hand and gently tugged him towards the bathroom, running the shower and beginning to peel his filthy clothing from his body. His face and hands were covered in dirt and blood, caked from days of nonstop labor. She slips the flannel she wears and her underwear off and guides Joel into the shower, positioning him under the warm water. He tips his head back and lets the water just run. Down his face, down his neck, his body. He can feel the grit of the dirt falling between his toes and washing away completely. She stands behind him, cradling his waist and resting her head between his shoulder blades. She’s crying silently as she mourns with him. They stand like this for a while before the water runs cold and the light of the sun seems to almost peak over the horizon.