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Munich wore a white coat, penalizing its population to a frosty cold, with the intention of scaring them away to their shelters, so they'd evacuate the streets, and it could disguise itself in a ghosted city.
However, the streets remained crowded, with even heavier warm coats covering their silhouettes, showing next to skin—aside from the face’s, that also was facing downwards, as their noses nuzzled in whichever material their necks hid from the harsh winter.
From Munich to Berchtesgaden, winter had gotten even harsher, if possible, but its hostility would be put to shame against the one he was expecting from the person he was visiting, as he wandered around in the mountainous town, searching for his unwelcoming familiar door.
After several knockings on the door, it flung open, revealing his miserable state. It left a bitter taste in his throat, and an unpleasant twist of guts, to catch sight of his deteriorating state. He stood there, barely holding himself upwards, frail and pale, reeking of smoke, dull blue eyes bored into his teal ones, with permanent bags underneath them.
Bluish red lips moved to mock his pathetic behavior, of showing up where he’s clearly unsolicited. “Look who it is” his voice was hoarse, mainly because of the excessive smoking, but also for the simple reason that his vocal cords were inactive for a while.
“aren’t you gonna let me in?” he asked, trembling from the blow of wind that howled around, turning a blind eye and a deaf ear to the derisiveness of his host.
Yoichi blankly stared at him, trying to figure out what was he scheming, only stepping backwards when the cold was no longer bearable with his light clothing, dragging the doorknob with him just enough to let him in, flipping his heels to walk back inside, the younger following afterwards and closing the door behind him.
The eyesore of a sight of Yoichi laying lifelessly on the couch, while getting his life sucked away by a cigarette was no unfamiliar sight. He's gotten used to it by then, having had been an uninvited guest in his vacant house for several times, on separate weekends and days off, as if the flight from France to Germany was a simple car ride.
He took free armchair adjacent, the smell of smoke had already had suffocated his lungs, a smell Yoichi used to hate even more than him, but there he was watching closely the dusty breath coming out of his mouth, with the same look he used to have while analyzing someone’s technique, trying to decipher the mechanism behind it.
“Anytime now? I’m not putting a show to seduce your horny ass” he asked, staring at the intruder who had trouble forming a coherent answer.
“I’m not here to fuck.” he blurted, earning a snort.
“Well, you can fuck right off, I'm not exactly interested in discussing the weather with you.” he said, blowing yet another puff of smoke.
Rin took a frustrated breath, unable to stand his grumpy attitude for any longer, “Isagi. You need to stop this madness.” He started.
He pointed his cigarette at him, “especially not that.”
His elbows rested on both his tights, his eyes looking up at him. “You’re destroying yourself with this shit”
He inhaled the last segment of tobacco that was left in the burnt cancer stick . “What I do with my body is none of your damn business Itoshi”
“Yeah, true.” He gave up, being more persistent would only have Isagi throw him out, as multiple experiences had proved the ineffectiveness of the discussion.
“Off season?” he asked, disposing of the butt in the ashtray, lighting another one.
“Yeah, five weeks” he answered, relaxing back into the couch, seeing that the tension was somewhat dissolved, well, sort of.
He licked his lips, then upon realizing, he tilted an eyebrow in suspicion, “You aren’t planning to spend your vacation here, are you?”
He had considered to answer , do you have a problem with that? But he knew it would be met with an instant yes, I do , or to just tell him he had nowhere else to go, but that’d sound petty and idiotic.
“No, I just dropped by.” he lied, as if Germany came across anywhere he would want to go, which would be either Spain or Japan, but since he wouldn’t exactly fancy spending five weeks at neither, he decided to improvise.
He smiled to himself, clearly not buying the falsehood of his claim, “How nice of you visiting this old rag”
Rin scoffed, “you’re barely twenty-six”
“Someone’s keeping count, I’d expect a perfect gift next time you show up with no invitation.” he sneered, making him heave a sigh. “So, sightseeing?” he asked.
He shook his head, “Not a fan, I wanted to see you personally.” he stood up, making a beeline to the kitchen, “have you eaten?” he asked, planning to prepare a meal for them to eat regardless of his answer, only to find the fridge emptier than ever, much to his dismay.
“Are we playing domicile couple? Is this the new foreplay you’re into?” he mocked, amused by the disappointed look on his face.
Rin walked back to the living room, heavily plunging into the couch, “I already told you that I'm not here to fuck.”
“I don’t see any other reason you’d be here for” he nonchalantly said, drawing in a large amount of nicotine out of the cigarette trapped between his thumb and index finger, then huffing a murky breath, in a mechanical way, only relying on muscle memory due to the customary of the maneuver.
He watched him for a while, trying not to grimace at the sight, then blurted. “Move in to France with me.”
Isagi snorted, complimenting the joke he came up with this time, only for Rin to sternly evince how serious he was.
“What for? To be your silly little housekeeper, part time prostitute? I'd rather die” he deadpanned.
“I don’t see you as such. You're my best friend.”
“ Best friends don’t fuck” he instantly retorted, Rin peered over him, thinking about the ideal answer to this mind game Isagi was pulling, with his endless puzzle pieces-filled brain.
“I’m fine with whatever you want us to be.”
Isagi connected the palms of his hands together in a loud clap, the matter-is-over kind of clap, only for Rin to realize that he drew the wrong card, by passing the ball to him, who was about to smack his face with. “Okay. Strangers it is then” there it comes.
He let out a shaky exhale of frustration, “Isagi. For fuck’s sake.” He gritted, “what the fuck are you even doing here in Germany still? You could’ve gone back to Japan.”
Forming another cloud of mist in front of him, he continued, “-now that your career is over and all? Don't be shy articulate your ideas till the end.”
He chewed his cheek, “I-- didn’t mean to offend you.” he apologized, “but seriously grow a fucking pair, there are plenty other things you can do with your life.”
“Rin get the hell out of my house” he calmly ordered.
He dismissed the fact that he literally was kicked out, his self-respect was long lost ever since he first stepped in the foreign country. “Think about it, you can do coaching, you're pretty smart and-”
“shut the fuck up, will you? Assisting a goal instead of scoring it makes your hackles rise, and I'm no different. Are you making fun of me?”
“Well there’s nothing you can do about your injury. Get that shit inside your head.” He exclaimed bitterly, cursing the person who had caused it for the millionth time, who was still free to play in the field, after penalizing his teammate for life, with a tattoo of an injury, that took away his light, soul.
“Seems like you’re more worked up about it than I am” he sneered, Rin was aware that he was trying to get him enraged enough to leave, which wasn’t working.
“Of course I’m pissed. I lost my eternal rival, and I’m losing my best friend too.” He argued.
“There are plenty of other people you can compete with.” He retorted, heaved a sigh then said. “Since you’re here anyway. Let’s make you bearable of a guest”
He smirked, “just say I turned you on.”
“You like bring fed crap? Because if that’s so-”
“Knock it off.” He said, unbuckling his leather belt, stirring to the sofa beside him, where isagi laid, undressing as well. Mister I’m not here to fuck was long lost under the provocation of the blue haired man.
To say Isagi was casting a magic spell on him was no exaggeration to whatever he had felt when he blew him off, sending him to the seventh heaven with the way his lips and tongue groped him.
His flushed face and luscious eyes ravished him, when all he could think of was how pretty he looked knelt down while altering the depth between an inch away from chocking to death, and a teasing inch in, driving him crazy as he tugged violently on his hair.
He would be lying if he said getting laid wasn’t of his intentions. Isagi knew his turn on’s and off’s by heart, no other hook up partner came close to satisfy him effortlessly the way he did.
The room was filled with a symphony of carnal portrayal. His mind clouded and hazy could only fathom how incredible it felt to have himself swallowed in, by the twitching and stretching of the insides of the heavy weight on his lap, that had (ironically) welcomed him (unlike the host himself) to dive deeper into the path that expanded with every thrust, all while enchanting his ears with the best of melodies crafted by throat and the ricocheting of his squirming body against his. “Holy- Yoichi you’re amazing.” he grunted.
He chuckled at the mess before him, blowing yet another puff of smoke on his face, which he was too thrilled to complain about, especially not with the teasing peck he gained, “mhm, tell me more” his lidded gaze and hoarse voice feeding to his arousal,
“I want to stay like this forever” he confessed, among other praise, knowing that Yoichi was keen to praise more than any other sex talk, despite his artificial nonchalance, as he was just into this as he was. “Ah-- fuck. Careful Rin you’re gonna kill me” he panted, as the pace gotten inhuman.
“isn’t that what you’re trying to achieve?” he taunted, failing to get the other vexed considering that he was the one to be saddened about it, while Isagi just snorted.
“Well yes, I'm trying to kill myself, not getting screwed to death, that’s so- ah- uncool”
“Kiss me” he demanded, Yoichi surprisingly didn’t throw a sarcastic comment as he closed his eyes, carefully extending the hand with the cigarette away, grabbing him by the back of his head and flickered his ash-flavored tongue inside his slightly open mouth.
“Fuck you Rin, I hate your guts.” He cursed when he felt warmth of betrayal fill him. Rin knew he pushed his limits since isagi made it clear several times not to piss until he pulls out, but still flinched at the sudden switch of his temper.
“Sorry,” he unapologetically said, “I got distracted.”
“By what? My unmatched beauty? Don't make me laugh” he scoffed. When he was about to hope off his lap, he was pulled back with a harsh grip. He cringed at how skinny his wrists had gotten.
“I'm not warming your dick any longer.” he scolded, irked by the dripping of his ass.
“that’s not—just stay, will you?” he pleaded,
He rolled his eyes, letting himself be held by the other, who traced his back aimlessly with one hand, the other gravitated to his overgrown blue hair, that had no particular haircut, since it was simply a product of deserting the hairstylist for so long.
“Rin what is the meaning of this?” he exclaimed angrily.
“I missed you.”
“I didn’t.” he protested, pressing his palms against his arms to withdraw himself from his hold, which was well, useless struggle. “Let go of me I want to sleep.”
He loathed the fact that he was exploiting the strength imbalance between the two of them, Isagi being at a huge disadvantage since his health had withered away. “Isagi please”
“You’re making too much requests for a free service.” he grumbled, surrendering to the persistence of the younger.
The way isagi perceived himself irritated him, and dwelling on it will only engage them in another pointless discussion, instead he voiced his remark; “you’ve gotten skinnier.”
“If it bothers you so much stop coming over.”
He sighed, “I’m worried about you is all.”
“Worry about yourself.” he spoke sternly, his breath tickling his neck, having had his face pressed against it.
He kissed the top of his head, making him twitch in annoyance, “Think about it, I mean—living with me in France.”
“Absolutely not, forget it.”
“Why not? We don’t have to live in the same house.” he offered; he knew he was being persistent, and totally deserved the inaudible answer he received. Moments later, he asked again, “what’s confining you here in the middle of nowhere? Is it that German bitch?”
“Kaiser has nothing to do with my life choices.” he deadpanned, his fingers trailing down his clothed arms, only reaching a certain point since his movement was constricted. “I like living here”
His forehead furrowed, “Why? It only has bad memories in it.” he argued, relaxing a bit he added, “we can make new ones.”
He sighed. “I think you’re misunderstanding this whole thing, Rin, there’s no ‘we’ there’s just you alone. I already signed my death certificate. I have no intent nor will to live and make happy memories.” he spoke tiredly.
“you’re just going through a tough time; I can get you out of there.”
He snorted, “it’s been two years. For how long are you going to delude yourself with this nonsense? Seriously dude get over it.” He tightened his grip around him, making him wince. “Are you trying to snap me broken?” he hissed,
“I love you” he confessed defeatedly, firmly shutting his eyes.
“Rin what the fuck?” he jerked back, fuming. He clutched his sweater bringing him forward, “I thought we agreed no feelings involved?”
His gaze met the floor, ashamed, “I fell for you before this shit started, back in blue lock.” he said, his arms loosely circling his waist.
Gripping his chin violently, he stared at him with red fuming eyes. “Are you nuts?” he barked, “It's been eight years!”
He winced, “Stop pretending like you’re any different” he yanked his hand. “at least the person I love doesn’t hate my guts”
“I do hate you, actually” he lied.
“No, you don’t, but kaiser does.” he spoke, brushing stray hair out of his face.
“Stop bringing him up every two seconds.” he muttered, reaching for his pack of cigarettes.
“So you won’t deny it.” He freed him, watching him lean back to the couch, completely unbothered by the fact that he was stark naked. bringing a stick to his mouth and burning its end with a lighter, inhaling deeply.
“you’re so annoying.” he commented a while after.
Rin extended his arm, “Give me a blow.” his hand was slapped away with a stern rejection.
“Why not? You have plenty others” it’s not like you have financial problems, he decided not to voice the last one, unwilling to scratch on the not yet healed wound.
“Never ever come near this shit, you hear me?” he scolded with genuine concern, making his heart flutter pathetically. He slightly grinned.
“I knew you had a soft spot for me.”
He snickered, his breath coming is loads of fumes, “Now you can sleep and dream about it.”
Moments after falling into silence, he stopped his tracks, “What is there to love about me? Seriously I don’t get it” he asked in complete confusion.
Rin stared at him as if he just said the most idiotic thing ever. “Are you serious?” upon seeing his perplexed state he shook his head, resting it on the back pillow, and stared distantly at the ceiling, “everything about you is addicting” he breathed, shifting his view to the chimney settled in the sofa.
“You mean my phenomenal-”
He interjected, “Yoichi, not. Just. that. You're not a fucking object” he hissed.
“But that’s not what he said.” he muttered, thinking he was subtle enough to be unheard.
“who’s ‘he’? You mean that blond bastard? He's gaslighting your stupid ass.” he hissed angrily, enraged by the way he was consuming him like no cigarette could.
He shrugged, saying that he deserved the scum treatment he received, simply because he’s dethroned his arrogant-ass, validating his bluff of being gaslit. “Is he still inviting you over every once in a while?” he asked exasperatingly.
He received a blank stare as an answer.
He remembered the time he’s seen him have a mental breakdown when he came back from visiting the so-called Bastards’ ace striker, he decided not to mention it, secretly praying it was a one-time thing.
He called him once again, Isagi sighed, the pack was empty. And he sat there defenseless, tiredly gazing at the oddly persistent guy sitting across from him. He frustratingly ran his fingers through his hair, his eyes falling everywhere in his house. “What do you want Rin? I told you every horrible thing I could think of. Leave me the fuck alone.”
He smiled bitterly, “that wasn’t near as horrible as the things I used to tell you, you're too kind”
He shook his head, “I might have been, but I'm not now. I'm not the right person for you.” You deserve better, he heard loud and clear, seeing that his old self was kicking in.
“But I only want you” he miserably wailed,
He chewed his lip, crawling forward, clasping Rin’s hand. “You will stop wanting me someday, but only if you stop clinging to a dead person like your life depends on it. I hate it by the way.”
“But you’re not dead?”
He moved and sat on his lap once again, cradling his head in both his hands. “Rin. I don’t want you collapsing because of me. I don’t want you to see me collapse either.” he pecked his lips, then locking their eyes once again, noticing the wetness in his teal ones he said, “Stop doing this to yourself. You should’ve never looked for me when I ran away from everyone. I wanted to draw my last breaths alone.”
His mind threw him back when Yoichi had vanished from the surface of earth, months after leaving the hospital from his fatal leg injury, caused by a fool of his own teammate. A foreign teammate, who had never grown fond of him, not when his worshipped god was benched several times because of him. They first thought none of it since it was only natural to grieve over his demolished career, but then he never reached out, shut everyone down and every path leading to him, no one, absolutely nobody knew his whereabouts, as he concealed himself in a countryside in Germany, where nobody recognized him. Much to his irritation, Rin had somehow managed to dig him up, only promised not to breath a word about it.
He kissed him, feeling helpless underneath the hands that held his face oh-so-lightly, he felt himself shudder, if Yoichi had become weak, then he was even weaker at that point.
They broke apart, Yoichi dodged his attempt to lock their lips again, pressing a hand against his chest, “listen to me, you're young and beautiful-” he started,
“So are you” he quickly retorted, earning a knee-strike in his stomach,
“I said listen, brat. And no, that’s not true. You have a bright future ahead of you, and I can only dream about how successful you’ll become. I have a selfish request. I never asked you to do anything for me right?”
He had an uneasy feeling about wherever this was going, but still urged him to continue. “Go ahead”
“Live for me, do everything I couldn’t do, keep playing soccer for my sake, I want you to destroy everyone in your way, especially, well, you know who, and break all the records ever known in history. Shine brighter than I ever could.” he smiled, mirroring his old bright smile that he had missed, profoundly.
“That’s a given, of course I will, just you watch” he said, rubbing his eyes,
He nodded approvingly, “I know. I believe in you. But that’s not all, let go of me. Fall in love again, find someone who will love and value you.”
The way this sounded like a farewell was agonizing, he could only suppress a sob, “so, you’re abandoning me for good this time?”
“You’ll always have a special place in my heart. I'll keep my eyes on you, but you’ll keep yours forward, okay? Leave and never look back again, you said before I was a steppingstone? Be a man of his words and stick to it.”
“I’ll try.” he whispered.
“Thank you.” he pecked his cheek. He caught his wrist again when he was about to leave, he would make a request himself, it was only fair. “Let me hold you for the night.”
“Of course, you clingy fuck.”
Returning from an atrocious date with his so-called love of his life was shattering to say the least.
His face flooded with hot tears that streamed endlessly from his eyes, while he limped along the path to his depressed couch. Kaiser had just drawn his last straw, and he could no longer subsist with the little life that remained in his frail frame.
Kaiser was a disease he’s been cursed with for life, and was destined to draw his end. He was familiar with the way things went, he would go, have kaiser piercing his ears with the vilest words ever known to human kind before, during, and after having sex with him. He would still show up when he calls him.
He didn’t even have it in him to call him to his actual house, claiming he would dirty it with his presence, although he had made sure to shower several times, and rubbing on his skin until irritation, and wearing liters of perfume to chase away the smell of tobacco, and his naturel smell too since kaiser hated it.
He would listen to him, demolishing his long-fallen self-esteem, as showed nothing but contempt for him. He would only listen and nod, too weak to fight back, or to even cry, rather he would watch him with a distant look on his face, waiting for an invisible mask to slip, for him to show that he had some affection for him, or that he’s been lying through his cheek all along. It never happened, he knew he just was being delirious and that the guy simply hated his guts, even after taking back what he’s stolen from him.
Dying with lung cancer was the least of his worries since Kaiser consumed him faster than any cigarette could, and he willingly let himself be consumed by him, under the claim that he loved him and that there was nothing he could do about it, cherishing the little displays of humanity he would occasionally grant him.
His Kaiser tolerance was relatively good, he could bottle up his sorrow until he reaches his house, where he’d either breakdown; ugly crying himself to sleep, or simply fill his lungs with dust, reminiscing on every vile word he’s been told, playing it in his head like a broken record, absorbing them as his reality, since there was nobody to correct him nor had the ability to do so, wearing a blank tired expression.
This time, the dose had been increased, where it was no longer in the field of his management. The throbbing pain in his chest, and even the rest of his body was unbearable, not even the cursed sticks weren’t able to numb it, he faintly remembered being gifted a couple of bottles of beverage from the neighbors when he’s moved in.
He wasn’t the person to drink, he could hardly remember if he had even drunk before. The first sip of wine made him retch. What the fuck is this? He thought while scrutinizing the bottle in disbelief.
It was poison. Except isagi had a personal proclivity for poisoning himself. Therefore, it was only natural for him to overindulge in this newly found way of self-destruction.
The alcohol soon started fogging his brain, face flushed, eyeballs barely peeking from his eyelids, lousy and clumsy movement. He was laughing, when was the last time had he even laughed. This was perfect, this was exactly what he needed.
He's unmistakably called kaiser’s number, since he was the only one who called him in the past three years, knowing he wouldn’t answer. He was sent to voicemail, he started tracing the floor underneath him upon hearing the sound.
“Kaiser you said this shit tasted good, it’s horrible.” His speech was slurred and indistinct, “But I'll give you credits. It does send you to heaven.”
“Are you with your loyal dog again? Tell him I said hii! And that I’ll always be grateful for his eternal gift” he chuckled, staring at the floor for a while, the beep indicated the end of the voicemail.
Gulping more of the cursed fluid, intensifying his intoxication, he dialed his number once again,only that, he was crying his eyes out.
“Why did you have to be so cruel to me kaiser?” He wept, his voice hoarse and shaky, “All I did was love you, why couldn’t you just—”he choked a breath, clutching on the fabric of his shirt where his chest hid, “-treat me like a human being?”
“I love you so much,” he sobbed “kaiser I love you; I’ve only ever loved you.” he recited the fatal mistake that sentenced him to an unpreventable death.
“I didn’t even ask you to love me back. I know I'm worthless—like you always tell me. But your little walking toilet here would’ve appreciated a little something— anything really.” he sniveled,
“I hate that I can’t hate you because you’re so right about everything. I’m sorry to be alive— I love you, I always will.” the voicemail ended once again. He dropped his phone.
He drank more and more, to alleviate the pain he was feeling, the more the better , he thought. His mind was spinning and he threw up several times. Even on its peak, a human body can’t handle the amount of alcohol he’d injected in his body, in his case, it was fatal.
He passed out on the floor of his vacant house, then away. He finally found his eternal peace, from the inner conflict he lived in, from the pain and agony that clung to his sickly body. Life wasn’t fair to him, it never was.
No one knew what he felt on his last moment, did he regret falling in love with the wrong person? Did he regret rejecting the extended arm that wanted to pull him out of the darkness that consumed him? Did he regret pushing Rin away? Only he knew the answer, and had it buried along with his lifeless body.
He died; nobody knew of the matter until months later. It was when kaiser saw the unusual amount of calls he’s received from the phone he called him from, random numbers he hadn’t recognized, then he’s heard the voicemails, his knees gave out when he called him several times with no answer.
He called one of the numbers, to receive the blood freezing news of Yoichi’s body being found decaying in his house, in the countryside he’s lived in. His stomach twisted; he vomited all over the floor.
He had killed him. He killed Yoichi, he killed his Yoichi. He was a murderer. He trembled, shook his head several times as he stared at his blood-stained hands. He killed the only person that wholeheartedly loved him, whom he had also grown fond of against his will.
I’ve loved you too, Yoichi.
“Yoichi, vient-ici mon p’tit, ne t’éloigne pas de nous. (Yoichi, c’mere sweetie, don’t go too far) ”A woman with bright blue eyes, and curly blond hair ordered, a wad of green hair came rushing towards her, embracing her leg so she’d lift him. She then stopped her tracks upon spotting the familiar homeless-looking guy, sleeping soundly next to the grave they came to visit.
Her husband followed her, retrieving the flowers from the car trunk, harshly kicking the guy on his stomach “move asshole. You're dirtying the place.” he hissed, sparing him the most despicable and depreciable glance he could make.
She rushed over him, grabbing his arm with her free hand, “chéri laisse-le, il a déjà reçu son châtiment. (leave him alone honey, he’s already received his punishment)”
“je peux pas le saquer. (I can’t stand him) ” He grumbled, then knelt on one knee, placing the flowers on the grave, praying silently for his soul to have found its peace.
The woman gently rubbed his back soothingly, placing a kiss in his arm, “que son âme retrouve sa paix. (may his soul find its peace) ” she said, he wrapped an arm around her tenderly, he loved her so much, more than he’s ever loved Yoichi, after whom she insisted to name their first born.
His son clung to his neck, desperately trying to get his attention. He smiled and held him close, his face quirked upwards, curious light blue eyes looked at him, “papa, y’a-t-il quelqu’un dedans ? faut-il pas l’aider ? (daddy, is there someone down under? Shouldn’t we help him?) ” he asked, Rin ruffled his hair, Yoichi’s face twitched with annoyance,
“il a pas besoin d’aide maintenant mon petit (he no longer needs help, little one) ” he answered.
“pourquoi pas ?(why not?)”
“parce qu'il est là-haut dans le ciel, il veille sur nous tout le temp, n’est-ce pas Rin? (because he’s up in the sky watching over us, right Rin?)"
Looking at the cky, asingle tear came out of his eyes, smiling softly, he whispered a ‘ yeah, he is ’.