One day I'll be myself

by MoonlightSorrows

Summary:

im bad at summaries but basically this is a trans fem dream fic with a bit of dreamnap thrown in there so if that intrigues you, you should read it :)

Notes:

this was a random late night though and i fucking ran with it so hopefully y'all enjoy.

Edit: I rewrote this. It's the exact same plot just slightly better written 👍🏻

It started out as something just for fun.

The lady working at the store he was walking through, to get to the part of the parking lot that he left his car at, had approached him. She explained how she thinks some light makeup would look great on him; most likely just trying to make a sale. Dream, however, was a sucker and bought the few products she recommended anyways.

It was nothing more than a light blush, a bottle of mascara, and a very subtle lip gloss. It was more than he’s ever owned before, however. Even though the idea has more than once crossed his mind to give it a try. But he always backed out before giving in to those urges.

Arriving back at the Airbnb he was staying at while working in LA, he decided to give the makeup a try. He figures there's no harm in it. The lady at the store gave him a few tips on how to properly apply what she gave him but it was still a struggle at first. Mascara got on his eyelid and cheek more than once.

As soon as the look was complete he took a glance at himself in the mirror. The first thought that ran to his mind was that he looked beautiful. The way the lip gloss made his lips shimmer, and the way the mascara enhanced his eyes made him feel… euphoric, is probably the word he’d use. Not sure why though.

Bringing a hand up he gently traces his fingers along his cheek where the rose-coloured blush settled beautifully. He loves the way it looks on himself. The simple makeup almost feels surreal to him. It’s really nothing special, but it makes him feel a way that he loves dearly but is terrified of at the same time.

Overwhelmed, is definitely how he feels while he stands in front of the bathroom mirror and admires his looks. He can’t help but to stare. Most days he finds himself actively avoiding any and all mirrors he can. Trying to avoid the feeling of disappointment that courses through himself when he sees his appearance staring back at him.

Pulling out his cellphone, he opens up the camera app and takes a few photos of himself. Taking advantage of liking the way he looks for once, embracing that feeling. He then saves them to a new album called ‘photos of me’. He doesn’t add any other pictures of himself, just those. It doesn’t feel right to add anything else.

 

It became a habit.

Dream’s newest hobby included constantly hiding away in his own room to try on an assortment of simple makeup styles. Day after day applying new product after new product. Ones that he’s accumulated over the course of the past few weeks. Before he left LA he had to buy a small extra bag just to fit it all so that he could take it home. But that's mostly because his bag was pretty full when he got there in the first place.

At this point he feels as if he’s gotten pretty good at applying what he has at this point. The looks are always very simple, however. Most people do not even notice he’s wearing any makeup at all on the few occasions he is feeling brave enough to go out with it on. To him, though, it made him feel happy and pretty. Makes him feel more comfortable.

Trying more complex makeup looks at the moment is out of the question. He knows he’d fail miserably. Maybe that’s what is stopping himself from trying. Or maybe it has something to do with the fact that deep down he knows he’s hiding away from the reason he enjoys wearing makeup so much. For now it feels safer to just stick with the simple things that other people won’t notice, that he could easily excuse away.

Obviously he knows that men can love and wear makeup for any reason of their choosing. He knows that it doesn’t make them any less of a man in any way. However, he knows that in that deep down terrifying corner of his brain, that isn’t what it is for him. That isn’t the reason he wakes up in the morning and puts on some makeup before doing just about anything. Even if he plans on spending the entire day hidden in his office editing he’ll still put in the effort. He isn’t doing it because he’s just a man that likes makeup. There’s something more to it.

He chooses to pretend he can’t hear those thoughts when they squirm their way to the forefront of his mind. It’s easier that way, and he finds comfort in the easy. Even if it means discomfort in other ways.

 

Now it's four o’clock in the morning and he’s crying, sitting on the floor of his bathroom. Mascara is running down his face, leaving streaks of black along his cheeks.

The tears started because he couldn’t help but let his mind run wild, forbidden thoughts peeking through. Ones that have been sporadically making their appearances throughout his entire life. He’s afraid of them. He’d do just about anything to make them go away, to not make them true. They can’t be true. He won’t let them be true.

Even with the thoughts dancing sadly in his mind he won’t allow himself to really fully acknowledge them. The ones that actually come through are watered down, making them flow through the small crevices of his brain to the forefront easier. They hurt less that way too, but they also appear more often, so there really isn’t any winning.

He knows that once he opens up the locked chest in his mind that contains his truth he’ll never be able to keep running from it. As if it’ll reach out to him and grab his ankle to pull him into rough tides that are too hard to escape, tossing him around and forcing him to face reality. Knowing that when his green eyes peer into the face of his fear he’ll have no choice but to embrace its existence.

It would be like a mother’s hug after a tragedy. A comfortable hold that’s surrounded by fear. Knowing that it’ll be okay, but right then and there everything feels like it’s falling apart.

Right now though, he continues to ignore those thoughts. No matter how much it hurts himself to do so. He’s gotten impressively good at suppressing his feelings. Pretending everything is okay when he feels like he’s suffocating in his own skin. But on the rare occasion that something manages to slip through he has an incredibly hard time pushing those thoughts back to that locked chest in the scary corner of his mind.

That’s why he’s here crying on the floor of his bathroom. He doesn’t know how to ignore it. At least not fully. And he’s fucking terrified.

He had hope that these feelings and thoughts would stay behind in LA. He’s never been that lucky though because they continued to trail behind him like a shadow. Haunting him from arms reach.

 

Dream hops into the shower, that’s running probably a tad too hot, to wash off the makeup and with the hope that he can calm himself down a bit. It doesn't help. He takes one look at his body as he’s lathering on some soap and has to finish the rest of the shower with his eyes closed. It’s too much and it hurts too much to think about. He wants it all to go away.

Maybe he can turn the lights off next time? He thinks to himself. Shower in the dark with the illusion that he isn’t what he is. That he is just a man. For a moment the dark could hide his shadow to make it seem less daunting. Make it so he feels like he can breathe normally, not like the breath is being ripped from his lungs.

 

Once he gets out of the shower, skin tinged red from the heat of the water, he wraps a towel around his torso. Not wanting to look at his body again. However, he makes the mistake of looking in the mirror and feels that same dreadful feeling running through him that something isn't right.

He’s at least grateful that the slowly dissipating fog from the hot shower covering the mirror in condensation hides his features at least a little bit. Not enough, but it's something, he supposes.

Maybe he can’t do anything to make the uncomfortable feeling go away completely but maybe he can chip away at certain things to make it sit less heavy on his chest.

Crouching down, Dream opens the door underneath his sink to grab a shaving razor. It’s not often that he shaves his face. In a weird way, even though he hates having a beard, it brings him a strange sense of comfort.

He places the razor next to the sink and reaches back down to grab some shaving cream. Then he stands back up and looks at himself through the mirror that’s slowly making his features more visible as the condensation lessens. He blinks a couple times before focusing on putting some shaving cream on his face before he picks the razor and starts shaving off his beard.

After he’s done he hovers his face over the sink as he splashes himself with water to wash off any remaining shaving cream off of his face. And as he looks back up into the mirror he feels a sense of panic with a tinge of euphoria at the same time, which scares him even more. He traces his fingers along the smooth skin, he likes the way it feels. It’s soft. He knows it won't be long before the familiar scratchy hair makes another appearance, for now he gets to enjoy this.

 

He does feel slightly better after he shaved his face but he was still feeling kind of… shit. That’s really the only way to describe it. So he thought maybe going downstairs to grab a glass of water and a snack would help him feel better, less in his head.

When he reaches the kitchen he's greeted by the sight of a half-asleep Sapnap filling up a glass of water for himself. Clearly having either woken up feeling parched or about to go to sleep, needing the refreshing feeling of cold water running down his throat beforehand.

“You shaved,” Sapnap points out as soon as he spots him, voice scratchy. He takes a sip of his water.

Dream looks down at the floor, avoiding eye contact. “I did,” he replied, voice slightly shaky. He’s not sure why he’s nervous. It’s not like it’s the first time he’s shaved his face, nor the first time the younger has seen it. It is different this time, he supposes. Not caused by accidentally cutting his beard too short, but rather on purpose.

“You look good. Suits you. I mean everything suits you so that makes sense,” the Texan rambles. Face heating up at his own words, hoping the taller man looking at him doesn’t think about it too hard. “Well, now you can play into the whole baby girl thing the internet loves even more.”

Dream feels elated at Sapnap’s words but tries not to think too hard on why that is. He just closed that can of worms, he isn’t opening it again. “Hah, yeah I guess.” Voice still weak and unsure. He grabs himself a glass and wanders over to the fridge to fill it with water.

Sapnap notices the off behavior from Dream. He hears the way his voice is wavering as he talks and the way his hands are anxiously fidgeting with each other. The quiet, shy demeanor he’s giving off is unusual for him. Or it used to be.

As of late, Sapnap has noticed how something has been off for a while now. Dream has been less present when himself and George are hanging out, always alone in his room. And when Dream is around he always seems so lost in his head. He hopes everything is okay.

“You good, man?” Sapnap questions, knowing it’ll be answered untruthfully. He’ll receive the same ol’ ‘I’m fine’ in return.

Dream has to stop himself from flinching at the others words. The way being referred to as ‘man’ causes an ugly feeling to travel through his veins. Still, he won’t question why. “Yeah, I'm good.” He takes a sip from the glass in his hands, pointedly avoiding Sapnap’s gaze because he knows Sapnap knows it’s a lie.

The younger gives him a look like he doesn't believe him, which Dream can see in his peripheral vision, but he nods. Then places his now empty glass in the dishwasher before wishing Dream a goodnight and making his way back to his room.

Dream ends up abandoning his idea of getting a snack. Choosing to just make his way back to his room instead. Climbing into bed, he can feel the tears start to well up in his eyes. The overwhelming feeling caused by all the thoughts coursing through his head making everything feel like too much. It's getting really hard for him to keep ignoring the truth.

He cries himself to sleep that night.

 

The following morning Sapnap wanted to do something nice for his roommate. Mainly because of how he can tell that something has been bothering him lately. He has no idea what it is because whenever he asks if something is wrong Dream brushes him off immediately. Pretending to be okay even though it’s obvious he’s not.

With his limited knowledge about the situation, Sapnap got up early, or at least earlier than usual, wanting to make Dream a nice breakfast.

After gathering ingredients and putting it all together he ended up with a breakfast of champions, pancakes, eggs, bacon, toast, and hash browns in front of him. He did slightly burn some of the hashbrowns and undercook the eggs a tad but he tried his best, truly. He’s not a chef by any means, but he’s sure that Dream will appreciate the effort, or at least he assumes.

He balances all of the food he made on a tray that he was surprised they even owned and carefully brings it to the blonde's room. When he approaches the door he doesn't knock, because he honestly couldn't be bothered. It was going to be hard enough to open the door with full hands as is anyways.

The sight he sees when he opens the door breaks his heart. Dream is asleep, lying in bed with red puffy eyes and dried tear stain tracks along his cheeks. He looks so small and fragile and Sapnap wonders how someone of Dream’s height could look like that.

The Texan loves him more than he thinks humanly possible, so he hates seeing his friend so upset and going through so much. He wants nothing more than to hold him and take away all his worries and pain. He’d do absolutely anything to cheer him up. At least he looks peaceful in his sleep.

Turning around, Sapnap has the intention of bringing the food back downstairs to allow Dream to sleep longer. He figures he needs it, plus, he can just leave a note on the food that it’s for him and that he just needs to heat it up.

However, as he carefully balanced the tray of food in one arm and reached for the door handle, Dream's voice stopped him in his tracks. “Sapnap?” It comes out sounding like a mix of surprise and confusion at seeing Sapnap in his room. Voice hoarse from lack of use and from crying the night before.

“Did I wake you? I'm sorry,” Sapnap is quick to apologize with worry, but Dream shakes his head no. “I made you breakfast, but if you want to keep sleeping I can bring it back later,” Sapnap offers, showing off the tray of food.

“The smell woke me, I think. I never got the snack I went down for last night in the kitchen, so I'm definitely hungry.” This made Sapnap worry that something about their interaction caused Dream to change his mind and leave upset. Did he do something wrong?

“Oh, well here you go then.” Sapnap passes the tray of various breakfast foods over to the sleepy man on the bed after Dream sits up. Dream then puts the tray across his lap and starts picking at the food.

“What's the occasion?” He asks after taking a bite of some bacon, curious to where the kind act came from.

“No occasion.” Sapnap smiles softly at him. “Just noticed you’ve been… dealing with something. And you don't have to tell me what it is, but I am here if you want to talk. But anyways, I just wanted to do something nice, I guess,” he explains, hovering awkwardly around Dream’s bed, unsure of what he should do next.

“I appreciate it, Sap. Thank you.” Genuine smile on Dream’s face as he says it, hoping it helps convey how much he appreciates the gesture. It does. At least enough to ease Sapnap’s worries that he did something wrong the night before. He doesn’t seem upset with him at all, so he thinks he can cross that off the list of potentials.

“Anytime, man.” Sapnap sees a flicker of hurt appear on the other's face before a kind smile makes its way back. This confuses him but its clear Dream isn't ready to talk about whatever it is so he moves on. “Anyways, I'll leave ya to it,” he says as he makes his way towards the door.

“No, stay.” Dream pats the bed beside him. “There's enough food for two here. You kind of went crazy with it. Enjoy it with me,” he pleads.

“Okay,” Sapnap responds, because he could never say no to Dream, as he makes way to sit beside his best friend on his bed. Dream takes a bite of a pancake, after pouring a small amount of syrup on it, as Sapnap reaches over to grab a slice of bacon.

The two of them easily enjoy each other’s presence as they finish up the food on Dream’s plate. Afterwards they laid in bed and watched TikToks on Sapnap’s phone for a while.

 

Eventually Sapnap had other commitments that he couldn’t get out of, even though he wanted more than anything to spend the entire day with Dream. He left Dream with the promise that he is always there to talk if Dream needed him.

Now though, Dream was left alone with his thoughts. That was his problem in the first place, so he knew he needed some sort of distraction. There’s not a ton of things he has the energy to do right now so he settles on going for a drive.

He blasts some of his favorite songs as he drives along the Florida roads, no particular destination in mind. Just taking random left and right turns until he comes across something that’ll catch his eye.

As he turns down a familiar road he remembers that there is a mall nearby, deciding to pop in there as his next form of distraction. He doesn’t really have any intentions on buying anything, so he mostly just plans on wandering aimlessly around.

He does pop into a few familiar stores to browse around, thinking that just because he had no intention in making any purchases, doesn’t mean he can’t spend some money.

Walking out of one of the stores something catches his eye. A dress, greyish blue in color and flowy. It looked soft and comfortable. There’s nothing particularly interesting about it. It’s more so the fact that when he first saw it his immediate thought was wondering how it would look on himself.

Curiosity guides him into that store, one he’s never stepped foot in before, and he goes over to check the sizes. He was greeted by disappointment because of the lack of larger sizes. He should have expected so. Why would they have girls' clothes in his size? He's not a girl, it's not meant to fit him and his tall, broad stature.

In the midst of his internal dilemma a staff member came over to help him, probably having noticed his upset facial expression when he couldn’t find his size. She was a kind old lady who greeted herself as Carol.

“Were you looking for any size in particular?” She asks with a friendly voice.

“Not sure actually. I’ve never tried on something like this before,” he shyly admitted, unsure of what gave him the courage to tell this random lady that he wanted the dress for himself.

“Well I can grab you a couple sizes from the back that I think might work and you can try it on if you'd like, sweetheart,” Carol kindly offers, and Dream is thankful that she didn’t question or judge him for wanting the dress.

“Okay thanks I'd like that.”

Dream awkwardly stands there, waiting, paranoid that someone who knows him will see him shopping in the women's section of the store. It shouldn't matter, he can explain it away easily if he wanted, but he’s worried people would be able to see through his lies.

“Here you go. I think one of these will fit you.” She hands him three different sizes of the dress. “Oh, and here I found a cardigan that I think would look lovely with this dress on you if you want to try it out.” She passes the cardigan in a couple of sizes over to him as well.

Dream felt like he was going to cry again because of the kindness from this random store employee. “Thanks, I really appreciate it.” Not sure if she’ll ever know just how true that statement really was.

“Of course darling, I hope you like it. Dressing rooms are that way,” she says pointing to the back of the store.

Dream makes his way over and tries on the dress. The first one was a tad too small but the second one he tried on fit perfectly. He was right, it is soft and comfortable. He loved the way the dress flowed, it made him feel beautiful. He threw on the cardigan, it was soft too and fit comfortably.

This was one of those change rooms where the mirrors were outside the individual rooms, which made him consider just buying it and seeing how it looked at home. But chose to brave it out and give it a look, opening the door and glancing around before stepping out.

Once he sees himself in the mirror he feels an overwhelming amount of emotions. The outfit was more of a casual style but he loved the way it made him feel like a princess. The cardigan really did pull the look together and he's glad Carol suggested it to him because he never would have thought of it on his own. Mainly because he has next to no experience with feminine clothing other than the few times growing up he’d steal clothes from his mom to secretly try on.

“Oh, sweetheart you look beautiful,” Dream looks up to see the kind employee looking over at him. “I'm glad it fits.”

“Me too, thanks. I'm gonna buy it,” he sheepishly replies.

“Good, I'm glad. Hope to see you in here again sometime,” she says, then walks away to tend to her work tasks.

Dream takes the clothes up to the check out and places it on the counter with shaky hands. This is a huge thing to him and he's not entirely sure if he's ready for it yet but he's doing it anyway.

 

Once he gets home he quickly scurries to his room, wanting to avoid accidentally running into his roommates. Not mentally prepared enough to have his roommates see the bag in his hand and ask him about it. Or more so he's not ready to give them answers.

He shoves it into the back of his closet. Feeling as if it's hidden in there it's not real. It is, and he knows it'll be the only thought running through his head for a while.

When he walks back into his room, he's surprised to see George sprawled out on his bed waiting for him.

“Hello?” He questions, confused by the other’s seemingly random appearance in his room.

“I'm bored.” George leans onto his elbows. “Wanna go get something to eat? You me and Sap?”

He thinks about it briefly, suddenly becoming aware of how hungry he is. Remembering having last eaten during breakfast. “Yeah, I'm down.”

“You look- You shaved your face.” George points out, most likely thinking out loud. Dream looks down at the floor awkwardly.

“Yeah. Sap pointed it out too,” Dream informs, fidgeting with the hem of his sweater sleeve.

George has a look on his face as if he's thinking about something. “It's just rare that you do. I've only seen you without facial hair a couple times, I think.”

Dream shrugs. “I wanted to do something different I guess.”

“Hmm. I get that,” George replies, and Dream really didn't think that he did.

Oftentimes he feels like he is the only one that feels like he does. Like he's the only one that looks in the mirror and doesn't recognize the person staring back at him. Like he's the only person who's heart hurts when getting referred to as what he's always been told he is. A man.

Logically he knows that's not true. He's been on the internet, he knows what he's feeling, even if he doesn't want to admit it. He knows that it's something that many others experience too. But it doesn't help him feel less alone with his thoughts. Doesn't erase the fears that come with it either.

 

After getting Sapnap on board, all three of them got into Sapnap's car and drove to the restaurant they had picked. They had decided on sushi. It wasn’t nearly as good as the sushi they get when they’re in LA. It was good nonetheless, however.

As they enjoyed their food and each other's presence, they spent a ridiculous amount of their time laughing at the most random things. They made it into almost a game of sorts, trying to see who they could get to laugh so hard they accidentally spit out any food in their mouths.

It was a comforting normal for them, and Dream very much appreciated the distraction.

And Sapnap was pleased to see Dream in a seemingly better mood. Better mood than he’s been in the past few days or weeks, however long it's been going on. He’s lost track at this point.

Sapnap, however, has hope that Dream stays this happy. He's doubtful, but maybe his wishes will be strong enough to take away Dream's worries.

But at least if it doesn't he knows that George and himself are more than capable of taking Dream away from his thoughts. To make him feel better, if even just for a little bit and that brought him comfort.

They’re a trio, together forever and always, through everything. They’d all be there for each other and do the same for whoever needed it, no matter what. Right now it was Dream’s turn to be taken care of, so that's what they are going to do.

 

When they arrived back home George disappeared to go to his room to sleep, having a completely different sleep schedule from the other too.

Sapnap and Dream however, ended up cuddling on their living room couch while they watched some tv. Although Dream couldn't stop his mind from wandering to thoughts about the dress and makeup hidden up in his room. He wanted so badly to be wearing them again but this time together. He has never fully dressed up like that before and the idea excites him. If he ignores those negative thoughts that are nagging his brain, that is.

Truthfully, he just wants to feel beautiful again. He craves that feeling. Needs to remember what the glimmer of hope felt like when he looked in the mirror, face full of makeup and soft smile as he looked at himself.

In fact, he’s so distracted by the thoughts in his head that he doesn’t even know what show they’re watching. Whenever Sapnap says something to him he just smiles and nods. Hoping the other doesn’t notice how he isn’t paying attention in the slightest.

After another episode Dream becomes too restless to continue watching whatever show it was. He feels bad because he knows Sapnap just wants to spend time with him but he can’t stop these thoughts from taking over his actions. So excuses himself under the guise that he's tired and says goodnight to Sapnap.

Normally Sapnap would try and argue for Dream to stay longer but he could easily tell, despite how the other didn't want him to, that he was too lost in thought to enjoy hanging out anyways. So he lets him disappear into the hallway that leads to his room without complaint.

 

Picking up the makeup brush that's starting to feel familiar in his hands, he starts applying some of the products he has and knows how to use.

He thinks blush is his favorite, loving the way rosy cheeks look on him. It's subtle enough that he can wear it out, but noticeable enough that it makes himself feel good while wearing it.

Once he's finished putting on enough makeup to satisfy himself, he makes way to his closet to fish out the bag of clothes that was carelessly thrown on the floor earlier. He opens it up and instantly remembers the warm feeling he felt in his chest when he tried them on the first time. It's overwhelming, but not in a bad way.

Quickly, because he's excited, he changes into his newest and possibly favorite outfit. Then he rummages through his closet to find something to complete the whole look. He does so with a cat beanie that was given to him by a fan, one that matches quite well in color.

After everything feels complete, he finally takes a proper look in the mirror. Immediately he starts tearing up, but he tries his best to stop it. Not wanting his mascara to run again and ruin his whole look. He makes a mental note to buy waterproof mascara next time he’s out shopping. He's almost out of the one he has anyways.

Taking a moment to stare at himself in the mirror, he lets himself take in the way he looks. It's strange for him to actually… like the way he looks. It's a foreign feeling. One he wishes he could grow used to.

Despite how when he glanced at the mirror his lips turned up into a smile, there's still so many things he'd like to change about his appearance.

Things such as his facial hair, it's only been a day but he can already see and feel it starting to grow back in, he hates that. He hates how broad his shoulders are, he hates how his voice isn't what he wishes, or how he could stand here thinking of endless things he wishes were different.

Looking back at his face in the mirror, he looks into his own eyes. That's when he breaks. He lets out a broken sounding sob as he lets the reality of everything settle into his brain. Settle might be too gentle of a word, it was more like a crash if anything. A crash of every thought he tried to lock away, breaking free and making their presence known.

He can’t run away any more, he’s run out of stamina. He’s reached his destination.

“I'm a girl, aren't I?” He quietly whispers to himself (herself?). It's more of a rhetorical question, because Dream knows and has known that to be true. She's just been really good at running away from it until now. But running can only take you so far. Eventually you reach your breaking point.

"I'm a girl," she repeats.

Actually saying it out loud felt surreal. Something Dream never expected to be able to do ever. The words are so foreign on her tongue. She doesn't hate the way they feel though.

Taking a step back to see more of the dress in the mirror causes Dream to notice the hair on her legs. It wasn’t always a main bother to her, but now it’s making her feel uncomfortable. It simply just doesn't look right on her, she thinks.

She imagines what she'd look like with cleanly shaven legs and decides that's what she wants. She wants to be able to run her hands along them and feel soft skin under her finger tips.

Reaching down underneath her sink once again, she grabs her shaving razor and shaving cream. Then she moves to sit on the ledge of her bathtub with her legs inside the tub. She moves her dress so that it's completely out of the way before grabbing the shaving cream and spreads it along her legs.

After she feels like she's used an appropriate amount of shaving cream, she picks up her razor and carefully starts shaving her legs. She had to turn on the tap of the tub to rinse the shaving razor a few times as she continued along. It's a little bit of a struggle, but mainly because she's never done this before.

Truthfully, she feels kind of silly worrying so much over something like hair on her legs. Knowing full well that it's nothing more than a social construct for women to have shaved legs. She knows that it doesn't make her or any other female any less of a woman to not have clean shaven legs. But at the same time she can't help but worry about it anyways.

Eventually she finishes up, only accidentally nicking her skin a couple times. Instantly she feels better as she runs her hands along smooth skin.

The way she feels as her dress falls back down against her thighs as she stands makes her feel delicate but in a sort of empowering way.

 

The next morning, she wakes up still in her dress, and when she turns her head she can see smeared makeup along her pillow through sleepy eyes. She lets out a sigh as she turns back around and stares at the ceiling. She's definitely going to have to clean her pillow case.

After a few moments of laying in bed she manages to convince herself to get up for the day. She flings her blanket off of herself and swings her legs so that her feet are touching the floor. Then she stands up and gathers her bedsheets and pillowcase, might as well wash it all, she supposes. When it's all bunched up in her arms, she throws them into a pile to deal with later. Not wanting to walk through the house in a dress and smudged makeup right now.

However, she does want to clean off last night's makeup, which she most definitely should have removed before sleeping. So she makes her way to the bathroom to take a shower. She turns it on and lets the water run for a moment to heat up.

In the meantime, she takes off her dress reluctantly before contemplating turning the lights off. She decides against it. She can brave this one out. Plus, she isn't sure that her clumsiness is going to pair well with the darkness.

When she deems the water to be at the perfect temperature she hops in and stands under the warm stream of water.

Lifting her hands up, she traces them along her body. Letting herself think about all the things she likes and dislikes about her body. All common thoughts to her. This time, however, is different. This time she doesn't try to build up a brick wall in between herself and those thoughts.

Gently, she runs her fingers along her jawline. It's too sharp, she thinks before she drags her hand down to her chest. Too flat. And her hands running down her side is enough to remind her of her lack of curves.

She wishes she had a softer, more feminine voice. Wishes she didn't have to shave her face. She wishes she could have been born to have all of that naturally instead of her tall stature, broad shoulders, and flat chest.

Instead she feels stuck. Stuck in a body that feels foreign to her even though it's the only one she's ever known.

 

When she gets out of the shower she dries off and wraps herself in the towel. Then she walks into her closet and grabs a random oversized hoodie and a pair of jeans. She tossed it on, wishing she could be wearing something else, something more her. Alas, she’s too scared to let anyone else see that side of her yet.

She knows that her roommates wouldn't judge her if she dressed in a feminine way. They're her best friends, they care about her just as much as she cares about them.

Unfortunately that fact doesn't take away her fear. It's taken years and years for her to even get to the point where she's comfortable admitting it to herself, yet alone to someone else.

 

Dream can't exactly remember how they got into this position, but George and her are currently on the floor wrestling while Sapnap cheered from the sidelines. So basically the average afternoon in the Dream Team household with how they’re always goofing around in one way or another.

Sometimes what they do is just playful bickering, sometimes it's way too intense games of ping-pong, other times it's Sapnap chasing George around with a knife. This time it's wrestling on the living room floor for no good reason other than it's fun.

Suddenly, in the midst of George trying to wrestle his way out from being pinned by Dream, he stops all movements. Look of confusion crossing his features.

"Did you shave your legs?” George's voice is filled with amusement and curiosity as he asks the question. Sapnap glances at George with a wary look.

“What, no!” Dream says in a panic, shooting up into a seated position, away from the brunette.

George sits up too and immediately reaches over to lift Dream's left pant leg. “You totally did,” he laughs. “Why? That's so weird.” Completely unaware of how much his words are hurting the other.

“Fuck off, George.” She snaps immediately, pushing George away but not in a harsh manner. Then stands up with the intention to leave, wanting to get away from their situation as soon as possible. Not having it in her to explain herself and not wanting to hear anything else that could potentially upset her further.

George, quickly getting up after Dream, stops her by grabbing her arm. “Hey, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you.” Worried look on his face. This was not the reaction he was expecting from his friend at all. He had just assumed it was part of a dare or joke, and expected Dream to laugh it off.

“Sorry, don't know why I responded like that,” she mumbled with a shrug. The sad expression on her face remains. “I'm gonna go edit a video.”

She then wriggles her arm away from George and trudges out before the other two could say anything more.

 

Though when she gets back to her room she doesn't edit. Choosing to just lay in bed instead. Allowing herself to get lost in her thoughts. All the while attempting to stop the tears that are welling up in her eyes from flowing.

Well, she was, for all of five minutes before she heard a knock on her door, followed by a familiar voice.

“Dream, can I come in?” Sapnap’s voice travels through the door, coming out muffled.

“I'm busy,” Dream responds untruthfully while staring at the wall in front of her.

Sapnap, ignoring her response, knowing it was bullshit, opens the door. “You okay, man?” He whispers caringly.

Why does he always use that word? She questions internally. Though, she knows exactly why. She knows that he’s not going to stop until she asks him to stop. She can't get herself to make such a request yet.

“Yeah, I'm good,” she sighs.

“You're clearly not,” Sapnap points out, speaking so softly, with so much care in his voice. “Something has been bothering you, and you've been acting strange lately. Well… Stranger than usual.”

“Sap, I’m fine, I swear.” Which would be hard for Sapnap to believe even if Dream wasn't currently crying.

Sapnap climbs into bed and lays beside the taller and holds her. “It's okay. I've got you, Dream.” He does his best to comfort her without knowing why she's upset.

Dream cries harder as Sapnap holds her and rubs his hand comfortingly against himself while he whispers reassuring words in an attempt to calm her down.

 

Eventually Dream does calm down and the tears do stop. And when that happens Sapnap is still holding on, playing with her hair comfortingly. Dream appreciates it. The repetitive movement coming from Sapnap is grounding and relaxing; exactly what she needs right now.

“Dream, what's going on?” Sapnap whispers, practically pleads, wanting to know how to help his friend. “And don't say nothing because it's obviously not nothing.”

“I can't tell you.” The words were whispered quietly into the air around them. Dream just hoped Sapnap heard her, to not have to repeat herself.

“Why not?” Sapnap asks patiently.

“I'm not ready yet. I'll tell you when I can, but not right now.” It's not what Sapnap wants, but it's more than he’s gotten before. At least Dream’s acknowledging there’s something going on. He’ll take what he can get.

“Okay, Dream,” he says softly. “I just want you to be okay, it scares me seeing you so upset all the time, like you have been lately.” He just wishes he knew how to fix things now and not have to let things work themselves out.

“I am okay. I promise. I just have a lot going on in my head right now, and I just need time to sort it all out.” Dream hopes his explanation is good enough to ease the younger’s worries.

“Is there anything I can do to quiet your mind for a little bit?”

“Cuddles and a movie?” Dream requests, thinking that sounds like the best way to spend her time right now. She can do something productive later. Right now staying in Sapnap’s arms sounds way better.

“Of course. Let's go to the living room.” Sapnap sits up and looks towards Dream. “Do you want George to join?”

“Yeah, sure.” There's a moment of pause. “Do you think he's mad at me?” She feels bad about how she snapped at him earlier. She let her internal panic control her actions more than she meant to.

“No. He's worried about you, and a bit confused, but he's not mad. I promise.” Sapnap assures, giving Dream a soft smile before getting up off of the bed. “I’ll go get him. Meet us in the living room?” Dream nods and Sapnap leaves to go find George.

Dream, on the other hand, finds herself making her way over to plop down on their couch. Patches was lying down on the cushion next to her. She startled her a bit with the movement but then she curled up on her lap and Dream started softly running her hand along her fur.

When Sapnap and George made their way over, Sapnap immediately sat down next to Dream and snuggled up with him. George moved to sit on the other side of tallest, a bit hesitant. Still worrying about how he upset Dream earlier. But Dream wraps her arm around him and pulls him in, easing his worries a bit. At least enough for him to untense his muscles and appreciate the embrace.

The three of them all cuddle together as Sapnap scrolls through the available movies. He eventually settles on a movie that they’ve all seen several times before but all enjoyed enough to rewatch again. A comfort movie.

At some point George got up and made himself some popcorn. He did ask the other two if they were going to want some and they both assured him that they didn’t want any. It was a lie. Dream and Sapnap ended up eating a majority of the bag despite George’s constant complaints.

The movie night they were having was a nice distraction. But as soon as she was alone again in her room, things went back to how it was for her before once they split for the night. The stress, worry, and fears stay present in her mind. She really thought that once she started accepting herself, things would get easier. Instead it just brings new obstacles that need to be overcome.

Laying in bed once again, all she wants is to get up and go to Sapnap’s room. She wants to spend the night cuddled up with Sapnap. She thinks it would make her sleep a hundred times better. However, she doesn’t, she stays where she is with the hope that tomorrow she’ll get to sleep in comforting arms. And when that doesn’t happen, she’ll hope for the next day.

 

About a month has gone by and not much has changed, other than the amount of makeup and feminine clothes Dream owns. She’s now a regular at the shop she bought the dress at, and Carol, the friendly employee, always helps her find new things to try on. She gives Dream advice on outfits that she thinks will look good on her and Dream always listens intently with what she has to say. She’s very appreciative of all of Carol’s help these past few weeks.

She made it a regular thing to shave both her face and her legs. Both of her roommates stopped questioning it, or bringing it up at all. They just accepted it as Dream's new normal.

She still dresses up and does her makeup regularly. Always keeping that to herself though. For the most part at least. She’s less secretive about some of her makeup than she is about her clothes. For some reason her new clothes feel extra personal to her.

Today, however, she wanted to try something new. She dressed up in a sweater that she had got from the women's section of a random store that she had probably only stepped foot in the time she bought it. The sweater itself is not super obvious that it's meant for women, but it was going to be the first time that she was going to be around his roommates in something like that.

It’s very nerve wracking for her but she's excited nonetheless.

 

“I like your sweater. Is it new?” Sapnap asks, looking at Dream with questioning eyes, when she walks into the kitchen. Dream was surprised Sapnap said something about it so quickly. She supposes it makes sense when she thinks about it though. It’s quite rare for her to be wearing anything other than her typical hoodie and jeans these days. And she usually just cycles between like three different hoodies.

“Um, kind of, yeah. I got it within the last month,” she explains, glancing over to see what the other was doing.

Sapnap looks over Dream’s outfit again while putting the glass of water he was drinking out of into the sink. “Suits you, the color is nice. Makes your eyes stand out."

“Thanks.” Dream blushes, always enjoying compliments from the other.

George wanders into the kitchen and interrupts their conversation. “I'm bored, take me to dinner,” he demands, causing Sapnap to take his eyes off of Dream and glance at the talking man standing in the entryway. Dream’s eyes then follow, George now having both of their attention.

“If you want to go on a date so badly, Georgie, you're gonna have to ask more nicely,” Sapnap jokes.

“Ew gross, no. I just want food and entertainment," George chirps back, earning an eye roll from the shorter.

“I'm down to get some food. Let me just go get changed, then we can go,” Dream chimes in, trying to keep the conversation on track before the other two start bickering.

“Why would you change? You look good.” Sapnap asks, confused. He thinks Dream looks beautiful, and he can tell she enjoys her outfit a lot, if the smile on her face every time she glances down at it was anything to go by.

“I-” How bad could it really be. No one will know she's wearing a women's sweater, most likely. And even if they did, it doesn't matter, because clothes have no gender and she could just explain it as that if anyone asks. “Okay, yeah… We can go then.”

 

Sapnap places his hand on the taller’s arm and rubs his hand along her sleeve, once again trying to comfort her. “Hey, if you're uncomfortable for any reason you can get changed. You don't have to listen to me.”

“I'm fine, Sap, I promise,” Dream says with a reassuring smile.

“You say that a lot.”

“You worry a lot.”

“It's because I care about you and love you,” Sapnap explains even though he knows Dream doesn’t truly understand what exactly he means when he says ‘I love you’ to her.

“I love you too, Sap.” She has a genuine, kind smile present on her face.

George scoffs and makes a fake gagging noise. “I constantly feel like a third wheel around you two,” George chips into the conversation, then walks to the front door, eager to get some food.

Sapnap and Dream roll their eyes in sync at their best friend’s statement. Sapnap then grabs his keys from by the front door before making his way to his car, ready to go out for the evening with his two best friends.

“Your hair has gotten long,” George points out when they get into the car, having a good view of the length from the backseat.

“Yeah, it has,” Dream replies, trying to hide a smile but Sapnap notices it and it fills him with joy. Nothing makes Sapnap happier these days than seeing Dream happy. He reluctantly tears his eyes away from the wonderful sight and starts driving to their destination.

“Are you going to cut it?” George questions,continuing the conversation as he buckled himself in now that the car is moving.

“No, I think I like it long better,” Dream confesses kind of shyly.

“I like it too,” Sapnap adds to ease Dream’s mind, making the smile on Dream’s face even more prominent. Which in return makes Sapnap’s heart feel warmer and the butterflies in his stomach flutter.

 

Because sushi is one of their favorite meals, that's what they ended up getting again. They go out to their favorite sushi restaurant nearby and use the time they are there to enjoy each other's company. A lot of laughs and stories were shared; some already heard, some new.

After they were done with their meal and their bill was paid, they decided they weren't ready to go home just quite yet. Instead choosing to wander about the city to find another thing to do to occupy their time.

Dream wanted to drive this time and Sapnap couldn’t find it in himself to not let her. Tossing his keys over to her, he walks around to the passenger side of the vehicle, only to see George already seated comfortably in his desired seat. He scoffs before hopping in the back seat and immediately starts arguing with George about who gets to play their music.

He wins, thanks to a game of rock paper scissors, and plays one of his favorite playlists. Throughout the drive, George constantly chimes in with complaints that he didn’t get to play his own music, despite the fact that he likes most of the songs Sapnap plays.

The three of them happily sing along to the songs playing through the car, mostly getting the words wrong and definitely off key. But it didn't matter, because they were all having a good time.

 

When they step outside of the arcade they found, and spent the better part of three hours at, they run into a fan. A very outgoing talkative fan, who they end up chatting with for a few minutes before they take photos with her. Afterwards, they move on with their day, honestly surprised that she's the only fan they’ve run into. Normally on outings like this they encounter a few fans as they go about their day.

As they deem their evening of adventures over, they find themselves back in Sapnap's car. And soon enough they're back in the comfort of their home.

After arriving back home, the three of them, in a mutual agreement, split up to go to their own things. George dips to hop on call with Karl, Sapnap claims he's going to stream for a bit, but Dream is doubtful that he'll get around to it. Dream simply goes to her room with the intention to chill and maybe watch something.

When she gets to her room, she plops down on her bed and pulls out her phone to see what she missed while she was out.

This is when the issue arose; made itself known. When she had opened the app and started scrolling through her timeline she was greeted by post after post talking about her sweater.

Apparently, the fan they had taken pictures with posted the photos online, which she expected. However, she didn’t think it through when she agreed to take the photos. She didn’t think about how her fans are really good at finding things.

One of the accounts that posts about where streamers get their outfits from found her sweater on an online website for the store she got it at and posted about it. A harmless post. Something she normally wouldn't think twice about, but this meant everyone knew that it was a womens sweater.

No one was reading into it too much, most were simply just excited to see one of their favorite content creators wear clothes “of the opposite gender".

Basically fans were going crazy online, which is their ordinary response for just about anything. So she should have been prepared to see her timeline flooded by excited posts, but she wasn’t. Immediately she felt overwhelmed.

There was not a single tweet that she saw where someone thought she was wearing it because she’s trans. But she was worried about the potential of that happening anyways. They're a very observant bunch and it feels like only a matter of time before this very personal thing gets found out before she's ready for it to be.

Suddenly, it started feeling hard for her to breathe. The air around her becomes too thick, like molasses in her lungs. She feels a droplet of water hit her hand that was tucked under her head as she was laying on her side. Then another, then suddenly she felt like she was drowning in a river of her own tears.

Panic is far past settled inside her by now. Shuddery gasping breaths mixed with flowing tears and terrifying thoughts are all she knows right now.

Truthfully, she thought she could handle the possibility of people knowing about the sweater. It really isn't that big of a deal. Or it shouldn't be at least.

She really thought that she could make a simple tweet on her private account if necessary. Something that read along the lines of ‘yeah it's a womens sweater. I just liked the design. Clothes have no gender’. She was wrong though; she can't handle simply explaining away the sweater because it is more than just a sweater. It's a part of who she is and her identity.

 

Sapnap was sitting at his desk scrolling through twitter, actively avoiding the go live button that's sitting idly by on one of his open tabs.

Since his timeline was more catered towards himself, it took some time before he started seeing posts about Dream. Specifically posts about Dream's sweater.

The first thought that crossed his mind as the first tweet showed up was how lovely he thought Dream looked. Beautiful, is definitely a word he'd use to describe him. Mesmerizing is another.

Those are constant thoughts that run through his mind on a daily basis. All it takes is the thought of Dream to crawl into his mind before he's thinking endless thoughts about how much he admires him.

If he was braver, he’d tell Dream all his thoughts. He’d tell Dream that he loves everything about him. The way he wears his beauty in a very Dream way, proud but not obnoxious. The little quirks about him that make him unique. Such as how he dives head first into the deep end of things, but with a meticulously thought out plan first.

He wants to tell him how much he wants to kiss him, constantly hold him close, and spend a lifetime together. A lifetime that’s filled with dates, mornings spent cuddling together, and so much more. A future together. One that's something more than what's already in plan for them.

His second thought after seeing those tweets was remembering how Dream was already hesitant about wearing the sweater out of the house in the first place. Bringing worries to the front of his mind. Assumingly, the reason Dream was stressed about it, was because it is a womens sweater.

Sapnap knows it is. He's smart, he started putting two and two together a while ago. He doesn't exactly know the whole story, but he knows the thing stressing Dream out has something to do with either gender or self expression.

The puzzle has slowly been filling itself out and now the picture the pieces create has become more clear.

He's seen the growing amounts of makeup appearing in Dream’s room; noticed how he wears some often too. Along with the growing amount of feminine clothes hidden (poorly hidden because he spotted them immediately without looking for it) in his closet.

The sad looks covering Dream's face anytime someone refers to him using masculine terms hasn't gone unnoticed by Sapnap. He has stopped referring to Dream as ‘man’ because he hated the look on Dream's face anytime he did so. It made his heart feel like it was shattering. Overall he just stopped calling him anything that may bother him, the best he can at least, because he never wants to be the reason Dream’s upset or uncomfortable.

However, if Dream doesn't talk to him about it, he won't know the full extent of what he should and shouldn't say. Making him constantly worry that he's using the wrong pronouns for his best friend. But if Dream doesn't outright tell him that he wants to go by something different, then he, because he isn't completely sure, just has to stick with what he knows.

He kind of hates knowing that he might be accidentally hurting his best friend by potentially misgendering him. But he's got to be patient and wait for Dream to come to him when he's ready to talk about it.

So, upon seeing these posts, he figures it might be a good idea to go check up on Dream real quick. Make sure, if he's seen them, that he's okay with it. If not he can be there for him. Otherwise if he hasn't been made aware of it maybe he could somehow get him away from twitter before he does. He isn't sure, he'll figure it out.

But since this is the type of thing he knows could upset him, he gets up to wander through the house down to Dream's room.

 

He knocks on Dream’s door but doesn't wait for a response before opening it. Using it more as a way to alert the other that he's there.

What he's greeted with when he enters the room is Dream clearly experiencing what looks like a panic attack. Quickly he moves to Dream's side and makes him aware of his presence before grabbing ahold of his hand. Glad that he went to check up on him.

“Dream, it's okay, you're okay," Sapnap softly says in an attempt to calm Dream. However, he didn't relax in any way. “Okay, you need to calm your breathing.” He brings his hand that's holding onto Dream’s and places it on his own chest. “Match your breathing with mine, okay. In… out… in… out...” Sapnap exaggerates his breathing to make it easier for Dream to be aware of it. Then he repeats this until Dream's breathing relaxes a bit.

 

Eventually Dream manages to make his breathing match Sapnap's, much calmer than before, but still a bit shaky. Sapnap sighs in relief when Dream seems to be doing okay.

“There you go. I've got you, you're okay,” Sapnap reassures. He pulls Dream in close for a hug now that it isn't too overwhelming for him.

After a few long moments Dream let out a weak, "I'm sorry."

“Shh, beautiful. You have nothing to apologize about.” He rubs his hand comfortingly along Dream's back. “I'm going to get you a glass of water, then I'm gonna come back and we're gonna cuddle and take a nap. Okay?”

Dream doesn't have the energy to do anything but nod.

As quick as he can, Sapnap runs over to the kitchen to fill up a glass with some filtered water from their fridge before rushing back to Dream's room. When he gets back he passes the glass over to Dream, who accepted it graciously with shaky hands. He took a couple sips and went to put it down but Sapnap told him to drink more of it. Dream did so with a roll of his eyes and a small smile.

After Sapnap was satisfied with the amount of water Dream drank, he put the glass off to the side and climbed into bed next to him. Dream moves closer to Sapnap and rests his head on Sapnap's chest, listening to the sound of his heartbeat.

“Close your eyes and rest,” Sapnap instructs. Dream doesn’t hesitate to let his eyes drift shut and Sapnap rubs his hand along Dream’s back in a soothing motion.

“I love you, Dream. No matter what. I hope you know that.'' He wants Dream to know that he wouldn't stop loving him if he came out to him or told him about this thing that he's been hiding away.

“I do,” Dream mumbles, half asleep, but still true nonetheless.

 

Fluttering eyes open again a few hours later, greeted by the sight of Sapnap still laying next to her with the feeling of his fingers running through her hair. It was easy for Dream to notice just how lost in thought Sapnap is. “Hi,” she whispers into the air around them to catch his attention.

Sapnap’s eyes blink a couple times as he turns his head towards Dream. “How are you feeling?” He asks, now aware of Dream being awake.

“Mmm, better,” she mumbles back.

“Good, I'm glad.” Words are paired with a soft, genuine smile.

“Why are you always so patient and kind with me?” Dream asks, wanting to know what she did to deserve such an amazing friend. Sapnap is always there for her, always so patient and caring. She’d do the same for him any day, for any reason, but she doesn’t know how she got so lucky to have him in her life.

“Because I love you and want what's best for you and whatever makes you happiest,” Sapnap answers easily with how true it is. He then looks over to see Dream tearing up again and reaches up and wipes the tears away, giving her a sad smile.

Sapnap doesn’t know they’re happy tears this time, but it doesn’t matter, Dream accepts the comfort regardless.

 

It's a new day and today Dream woke up feeling confident.

She puts on some simple looking makeup, more than she usually wears outside of the confines of her own room. Followed up by throwing on an outfit that’s feminine but not too overboard. Taking a quick glance into her mirror, she determines she’s happy with how she looks before making her way down to the kitchen to get something to eat.

As soon as she walked into the room she was greeted by the sight of Sapnap putting a plate of leftovers into the microwave to heat up.

Sapnap turns around to grab the now empty container to put it into the dishwasher, spotting Dream standing there watching him with a fond smile. A smile that he mirrors on his own face. “You're beautiful.” He couldn’t help but let the words slip from his mouth.

Blush immediately engulfs Dream's face. “Thanks,” she shyly replies, biting her lip slightly to try and suppress the wide smile wanting to make an appearance, very much appreciative of the compliment.

“You seem happy today,” the younger happily points out.

“I am happy,” Dream admits. This makes the smile on Sapnap's face grow wider. He pulls his phone out of his pocket and opens his music app before clicking on one of his favorite songs, then placing his phone onto the kitchen counter.

Sapnap reaches his hand out towards Dream and gives him a look to silently ask him to grab it. Dream does so despite his confusion. Once Dream’s hand is in his, Sapnap starts dancing with her.

Dream joins in with the dancing immediately but questions the random behavior. “Why are we dancing?” Sapnap lifts his hand, getting Dream to twirl around with a giggle.

“Because I'm happy too.” Happy because Dream is.

 

It takes another week before Dream’s had enough. Enough of holding everything inside, keeping back a piece of herself from the people she cares most about. She can't keep this to herself any longer. She wants to, needs to, start living as herself, at least in her own damn home.

And so with that in mind she puts on some light makeup and an outfit she likes quite a lot and finds comfortable. One that her roommates have yet to see despite how it’s one of her most worn.

After taking a few deep breaths, Dream leaves her room to seek out Sapnap. Assuming he is in his office, because that’s where he normally resides while at home and not hanging with either Dream or George, she makes her way upstairs.

She lets herself into Sapnap’s office, seeing him sitting at his desk watching a random youtube video. His elbows are resting on his desk and his chin is resting on his hands as he stares intently at the screen. Seemingly very interested in what he’s watching.

“Can I talk to you?” Dream asks, breaking the silence, nerves apparent.

The question caught Sapnap's attention, making him turn around to face her. “Of course, anytime.” Soft expression on his face.

“Sapnap, I-” She pauses, afraid to say the words out loud. Suddenly realizing she’s never actually said that she’s trans out loud. Sapnap nods encouragingly and Dream continues after a deep breath, staring at the floor, ”I'm trans, Sapnap.” Voice is so quiet she isn't even sure Sapnap could hear her. “I’m a girl.”

She looks up at this point, making eye contact with Sapnap, seeing a soft expression on his face. Tears were flowing slightly, mostly from relief from finally letting the words stuck inside her head escape her tongue. At the moment she's glad that she bought waterproof mascara and glad that she doesn’t have to keep this secret to herself anymore.

Sapnap gets up and moves over to Dream, once again reaching up to wipe away the tears on his best friend's face. Dream loves when he does that. It’s always done so gently and with so much care directed towards her, making her feel extremely loved.

“I love you, my beautiful Dream.” Sapnap pulls her in for a hug, holding on tight. “I love you no matter what you identify as. I love you for you.”

“Thank you,” Dream says into Sapnap’s shoulder, wrapping her arms around Sapnap to reciprocate the hug.

“No need to thank me for basic human decency,” Sapnap replies. “I would have to be a pretty shitty person to not accept you for something so simple and completely out of your control.”

“That's not what I'm thanking you for.”

“Then what?” Sapnap pulls away from the hug and presents Dream with a confused look.

“I know you've known. Or at least suspected what was going on,” Dream starts her explanation. “So I guess I'm thanking you for your patience and support while I got to a point where I could accept it and tell someone besides myself.”

It didn’t go unnoticed by Dream how the other changed the way he complimented her and stopped using masculine terms. Sometimes it was all she needed to make a crappy day turn good. One simple word could change how she felt.

Beautiful.

It is her favorite compliment, and thankfully Sapnap’s most used one. She isn’t sure if she likes it so much because it makes her feel euphoric in the sense of gender, or if it’s the person that is saying it to her.

“Like I've said time and time again, I just want what's best for you and I want you to be happy,” Sapnap explains, like he wants the words to sink into Dream’s skin and travel through her body to finally reach her brain so that she can understand how much he means it.

“And I am. I've been slowly becoming happier than I've ever been. I've finally started to feel like I get to be myself, and it's the best feeling I've ever felt. It’s not like I wasn’t happy before, I love my life, and I love having you and George in it. But this is a different kind of happiness.”

Now it was Sapnap's turn to get teary eyed. He was beyond ecstatic for his friend.

“Do you want to go out on a date?” Sapnap asks out of seemingly nowhere. “With me,” he tacked on as an afterthought, even though that part was probably obvious. He is just nervous. He put his heart out there and now it was Dream's turn to decide what to do with it. He trusts her to take care of it though, no matter her response.

Dream looks at him with a shocked expression, unsure if she heard her best friend right. “What?” She breathes out.

“You did something brave, and now I'm doing something brave too. I’ve wanted to ask you on a date for the longest time, but I’ve been afraid and I’m asking now because I admire everything about you. I’d be a fool to let you slip on by without at least shooting my shot,” Sapnap confesses.

“Yes, I'd love to go on a date with you.” The words are spoken softly through a smile that's taken over her face. She’s been so busy stressing out about her gender that she didn’t even realize how much she wanted just that.

Sapnap smiles back at her, relieved by the answer. “Tomorrow night?” He asks.

“Tomorrow night,” Dream confirms.

 

After their conversation they decided to spend the next portion of the day cuddling on the couch, watching tv. A couple episodes in, George joins them. Then they order themselves a pizza and enjoy the show as they wait for it to arrive. Truly a perfect way to spend their day. Sometimes the chill, simple days are the best.

Dream is slightly more scared to come out to George, not because she thinks he'd react poorly, but rather he isn't sure if George is as aware of it as Sapnap was. So she might have to explain more to him than she had to with the other. Which is fine, but it means opening up more about her thoughts and feelings, which can be difficult.

However, she decided fuck it. He's her best friend and she wants him to know about this part of her life as well. “George,” she says to get his attention.

George hums while taking a bite of a slice of pizza.

“I'm a girl, as in I'm trans,” Dream says, getting straight to the point finding it easier that way. Her voice was slightly less shaky than when he told Sapnap. Noticing it was easier the second time around to actually say the words out loud.

“Good thing Dream’s a gender neutral name then,” George states, still chewing his pizza.

“Well, Dream isn't my actual name,” she laughs. ”And stop talking with your mouth full, idiot.”

“And what are you going to do about it?” George asks, exaggerating his chewing as he speaks again. Dream rolls his eyes in response and shakes her head at her friends' antics.

“Do you have a new preferred name?” Sapnap contributes to the conversation once the other two stop arguing. “Actually, I never even asked about your pronouns.”

“Um, she/her, and I honestly haven't put much thought into a name yet,” Dream answers, then takes a bite of her own slice of pizza.

“You should go by Gertrude,” the oldest tries to say seriously but can't help the laugh that forces its way out of him right away.

“What?” Dream laughs again, covering her mouth so the food in her mouth doesn’t fall out. If it was 2020 she'd be wheezing right now. She's always appreciative of George's ability to bring such a positive light vibe around him no matter the situation.

“Seriously though, I'm happy for you, Dream. I really am, and I love you. And I'll love you no matter what dumb name you pick,” George says, briefly getting serious but in a playful manner.

“I'm not gonna pick a dumb name,” Dream pouts.

“Mhm, sure.”

Dream smacked George with a pillow. Which leads to a dumb pillow fight between the three of them.

 

When getting ready for her date, Dream chooses to wear the first dress and cardigan she bought. It’s a special and important outfit to her so she thought it was perfect for the occasion. She grabs it out of her closet and puts it on. Checking in the mirror, she decides that she wants to add a cat beanie. She doesn’t really know what to do with her increasingly long hair yet, so the hat will help manage it enough for now.

She then goes to her bathroom to put on some makeup, choosing to wear a little bit more than usual. Still a subtle look, but she adds some not too obvious eyeshadow, which she hardly wears. While applying it she had to fix it up a couple times because she wasn’t used to applying eyeshadow yet.

However, when she finishes up with her makeup and looks at herself in the mirror in front of herself, she's more than pleased with how it turned out. She felt pretty and hoped Sapnap would think so too.

 

After she finished getting ready she walked into the living room to meet up with Sapnap, feeling nervous about her outfit, but confident at the same time because she's dressed how she wants. She's starting to feel like herself more and more everyday, and that’s not a feeling she ever wants to lose.

Sapnap spots her walking in and his jaw drops at the sight. “Holy fuck, you’re beautiful.”

“Thanks,” Dream responds, cheeks now rosy from more than just her makeup. She looks over at Sapnap and is just as mesmerized about how good he looks. “You look amazing, Sap.”

“Do you feel comfortable wearing a dress out? Last time you panicked quite a bit when people found out you were wearing feminine clothes,” he asks, not wanting her to have another panic attack. “You look absolutely mesmerizing in it, and I'd be lucky to be seen in public with you dressed like that. But if you want to wear it, and aren't comfortable wearing it out, we can have a stay in date night instead, if that would make you more comfortable.”

“I promise I'll be fine as long as you're by my side,” Dream declines Sapnap’s kind offer. “Plus, I've gotten a lot more comfortable with my identity. I’ll be okay. I'm definitely nervous, but I'll be okay,” she assures.

Sapnap gives her a sweet smile. “Okay… Ready to go then?”

She nods and Sapnap goes to open the door.

“Where are you two going, looking so nice?” George asks, interrupting their exit.

“Um, on a date,” Sapnap replies, nervous about George's response. They haven't talked to him about their “relationship” yet. They don't know how he feels about his best friends going on a date. However, they feel like he deserves to know about it because he's such a big part of their lives.

“You two are finally going on a date?” George asks, but doesn't give time for a response. “Fucking finally, oh my god,” George sighs out, exasperatedly.

This causes the other two to laugh. Both out of relief that George is okay with them potentially dating, and from his reaction to the news.

“So who finally asked who out?”

Sapnap looks over to Dream fondly, “I asked her out after she came out to me. Thought if she was brave enough to open up to me, I could be brave enough to ask her out.”

“Gross your being all sappy.” George makes a face. “Well have fun, I'm gonna go call Karl,” George informs.

“Oh?” Dream grins. “Have fun on your little phone date with your boyfriend then.”

The oldest scoffs. “He's not my boyfriend, dumbass.”

“Maybe try asking him out then. Speaking from experience, it goes well,” Sapnap speaks as he drags Dream by the hand out the door.

 

“Where'd you get it?” Sapnap asks.

“Hmm?” Dream hums in response, staring down at the menu in front of herself, confused about what the other was talking about.

“Your dress.” Dream’s green eyes look up into the questioning eyes that are already looking back at her. “I know you've had it for a while. It was the first feminine clothing I accidentally spotted in your room.”

“Yeah, it was the first thing I bought like this,” Dream replies. “I just got it at this one store in the mall. It's where I get most of my stuff because Carol, one of the employees there, is so kind and helpful and I've always felt safe getting stuff from her.” Sapnap smiles at the explanation, glad to hear that Dream had a place to go to where she felt comfortable to try out these new things.

“Can I go shopping with you one of these days?” Sapnap asks. “I want to spoil you and buy whatever you want.”

“Sap, I can afford my own clothes,” she chuckles.

“I know.” Sapnap rolls his eyes fondly at her. “This has nothing to do with affordability. I just want to do something nice for you. I want to pick out pretty outfits for my-” he pauses, unsure if she's his girlfriend or not. “For you.”

“Okay we can do that,” Dream agrees, smiling softly with genuinity.

“Dream?” Sapnap asks, and when Dream hums in response he continues, “I- um. I only really asked you on a date but I- Well I want an actual relationship with you. I love you. As in I'm in love with you, and well, I guess what i'm saying is… Dream, do you want to be my girlfriend?”

“Of course, I'd love nothing more.” Love pouring through her voice and a smile so wide that her cheeks start to hurt slightly. “And I love you too. I feel lucky everyday that you're in my life, and I can't wait to continue having you in my life as something more.”

 

After dinner they walked around aimlessly and at some point they found themselves kissing each other on a park bench. They aren’t even sure who initiated it because they both wanted it an equal amount.

When their lips first made contact Dream knew that she wanted this for the rest of her life. It felt so right for the two of them. She almost feels like she’s been missing out on this for so long, but realizes that maybe if they got together sooner things wouldn’t have turned out the same. She was too lost in herself for a while and needed time to herself to figure things out. So the timing of everything felt right in Dream’s life and she wouldn’t change anything.

Throughout the rest of their date the two of them continued to steal kisses from each other anytime they knew anyone wasn’t around. Mainly because they didn’t want fans to catch sight of it and spam about it on twitter. This was their thing, not something for the world to see.

 

The two of them were cozily cuddled up in bed after they had gotten home when Dream spoke, “I think I want to go on hormones.”

“Yeah?” Sapnap replies, voice soft and comforting.

“Mhm, I've been thinking about it a lot,” she admits. “I was scared to start before I told you and George in case there were any obvious changes, but now I want those changes.” She wanted them more than most things at this point.

Sapnap cups Dream’s jaw with his hand and looks into her eyes, “Do whatever will make you happiest. If this will make you happier and more comfortable in your body, then do it. I’ll love you and support you through every step of the way.”

“I don't deserve you. You are too kind.”

“You deserve the world and more, beautiful. And I'll do my best to show you that and give it to you to the best of my ability.” Sapnap then presses a soft kiss to Dream’s lips.

The two of them quiet down and drift off into sleep shortly after.

 

The following day Sapnap does take Dream shopping as promised. He takes her into a variety of stores, both ones she’s been a frequent visitor to and to stores she’s never stepped foot in before. He buys her everything she wants, even making suggestions for her himself.

Dream does end up buying some things for Sapnap too, despite his complaints that the trip to the mall was meant for spoiling Dream instead. The taller couldn’t help it though. She wanted to show appreciation for the younger.

After they get home Sapnap makes Dream show him her new outfits. She complained about it regardless of the fact that she was excited to show her boyfriend all of her new looks. She knew it would lead to many compliments, and she was a sucker for those.

Her assumption that Sapnap would shower her with compliments was correct. He spewed thought after thought about every positive thing that came to his mind about his girlfriend. Enjoying witnessing just how flustered and happy it makes her.

 

It's been a little while since Dream’s visited her family. She’s been avoiding it, not wanting them to sense her worries caused by her busy mind and question her about it. She wasn’t ready for that yet.

But today she wants to see them because she really misses them. Plus, she feels ready, or at least as ready as she can be, to come out to her family. And so she gets dressed in something casual and hops into her car to make her way over to her family’s house.

When she arrives and rings the doorbell, she's greeted at the door by her little sister, “Drista,” as Dream's fans call her.

“Sup loser,” she greets her, ever so kindly. “Can I steal your cardigan?” Grabbing onto the fabric to feel the texture and get a better look at it.

“If you're asking for it, it's not really stealing,” the older explains, pulling the fabric away from her sister. “And no, I like this one.”

Drista rolls her eyes, “Whatever but don't be surprised if it goes missing.” Then walks away to make her way to the kitchen, Dream following closely behind.

 

“Oh you look lovely, hun. It's nice to see you,” Dream’s mom welcomes when she spots her. “I've missed you lately.”

“Hi, mom,” she says and gives a nod in acknowledgement towards her dad. “Sorry I haven't been around. I've been figuring some things out on my own. Which is partially why I came here today. I wanted to talk to you, all of you.” She can feel the amount of nerves coursing through her amplify significantly. Worried about how this is going to go.

“What is it?” Dream’s dad speaks up.

“This might come as a surprise, I'm not sure.” Dream was fidgeting with her fingers out of nerves. Her family has always been there for her and she really hopes this isn’t something that stops that from continuing.

Drista interrupts, “Are you and one of your minecraft friends dating? Is that what this is about? Because that wouldn't be a surprise.”

“Don't interrupt your brother, he's trying to tell us something,” Dream’s mom scolds and Dream finds herself once again willing herself to not have a visible reaction to being referred to as something she is not.

Drista rolls her eyes.

“Um, hah, I am, actually. Sapnap and I are dating… But that's not what I came here to say. Um what I actually wanted to say was, um-” She pauses and nervously chews on her bottom lip. All the while avoiding eye contact with any of them by finding random things in the room to look at.

Dream’s mom wraps her arm around her and rubs her hand along Dream's arm to provide comfort. “Whatever it is, you can tell us,” she says encouragingly.

Dream takes a deep breath then speaks, “I'm trans, I'm a girl and I use she/her pronouns now.” Voice weak as she says her truth. She glances up at her family to gauge their reactions and sees a tinge of surprise on her parents faces but no obviously negative emotions which is a good sign, she assumes.

“Perfect, now you'll have more clothes I can steal,” Drista speaks first, interrupting Dream’s thoughts.

“We're not even the same size,” the taller argues.

“Yeah, but oversized clothes is a style. You can't tell me that that cardigan wouldn't look great on me.” Drista points at Dream’s outfit.

Dream scoffs at her sister and her continuous attempts at trying to convince her to give her the cardigan. However, she is happy at the ease and natural feeling of this conversation. She’s very appreciative of her little sister.

“Well, you know we love you no matter what,” Dream's dad says reassuringly.

“Yes, if this is who you truly are, and what makes you happy, we will love and support you all the same,” Dream’s mom adds, fully hugging her now.

“Thank you,” Dream whispers, tears making another appearance, but at least they're happy tears again this time. Caused by the release of stress from this going well.

Dream's dad and Drista join in on the hug and Dream is beyond grateful that she's surrounded by people in her life that love her and support her no matter what. Which is how it should be, but it isn't always like that so she cherishes this. Refusing to take this for granted.

“Now tell me all about you and Sapnap,” Dream’s mom chimes in after they part from the hug.

Dream laughs but lovingly talks all about Sapnap, how he asked her out, and their date. And then afterwards, everything in between. She could talk about Sapnap and how much she loves him for hours.

 

“Can my boyfriend stay in here, please?” Dream asks shyly to the doctor. She’s currently at her appointment to finally start hormones. She’s excited but nervous as hell at the same time. There’s been a lot that led to this moment.

“Well, I may be asking some pretty personal questions and explaining in depth about the changes your body will experience,” the doctor kindly explains.

“I'm comfortable with him knowing everything,” Dream lets her know. “And if I change my mind I'll send him out.”

“Okay, then he can stay.”

The appointment goes smoothly. The doctor explains in detail how the hormones work, even though Dream already knew from countless hours researching it. Then she explains why she recommends starting at a lower dose of estrogen. She tells Dream all about her options in terms of how she can receive the hormones. Dream knows she wants the pills, thinking that will work best for herself.

The doctor talks about testosterone blockers and how she’ll have to have appointments to monitor her hormone levels to make sure everything is working how it should. Dream takes in all the information the best she can.

Dream ends up leaving the doctors office with a prescription in hand. Her ticket to becoming more free in her own body. And Sapnap drives straight to the pharmacy without being asked, knowing it's exactly what his girlfriend wants, if the wide smile on her face as she stares at the slip of paper in her hands is anything to go by.

 

“What's this?” George asks, picking up a prescription bottle that was placed on the counter, being nosy. He reads the label. “Oh, it's your titty pills.”

“My what?” Dream laughs brightly.

“Your titty pills,” George deadpans, as if that was an explanation. However, Dream keeps giving him a confused look so he continues, “That is what they do, isn't it? Makes you grow boobs.”

“I mean, I guess.” Dream starts laughing again, amused by George's nonchalant way of talking about this. “It does other things too.”

“I'm gonna keep calling them your titty pills.”

“Okay, you do that, George.”

 

The Dream Team travels to North Carolina to give Karl a visit. Tired of trying so hard to hide who she is, Dream just decides to be herself. Fuck what other people have to say. If she wants to wear a cozy floral cardigan and purple sweats to the airport, then she’ll do just that.

One the way over they ran into a few fans, took a few photos. Posts were made online about meeting them, leading to posts about Dream’s appearance, talking about her outfit and her makeup. They can speculate all they want, it doesn't change her personal life at all. When she's ready to tell them she will.

But for now the person she wants to tell is sitting in his car just outside the airport.

The three of them walk outside and search for Karl’s car where he had told them he was. Karl spots them and starts waving his hand to alert them of where he is. They walk up to him.

“Holy fuck, Dream. You're looking fine as hell. Especially for someone who's been sitting on a plane for the past few hours,” Karl greets, pulling Dream into a quick hug.

George scoffs. “Okay, yeah she looks great, but what about me?” Then looks away embarrassed by his obvious display of jealousy. Followed quickly by a look of panic once he realizes he used she/her pronouns for Dream when she isn't out to Karl yet.

“She?” Karl questions, completely ignoring George's question.

“Yeah,” is all Dream says but it's enough for Karl to know what she meant.

Karl gives her a soft smile because that's all that's needed. He then gives Sapnap and George brief hugs of their own before climbing into his car. Dream, George, and Sapnap follow suit, the oldest getting the front seat. Both Sapnap and Dream know just how much George wants to be closer to Karl and give up the seat easily.

Karl then starts driving towards his house. All four of them chat the whole way over as George stares at Karl so lovingly. And in the backseat Sapnap and Dream were staring at each other with the same kind of look George was giving Karl.

 

After Dream told Karl about how she is transgender, she started telling all of her friends. Thankfully all were supportive. She's beyond grateful to have found herself the group of friends that she did.

Getting to be herself around all of her friends is possibly one of the best things she thinks she’ll ever have the privilege of experiencing.

 

“Sapnap, look I'm starting to get boobs!” Dream exclaims, flattening her shirt along her chest to make it more obvious.

“Yeah, and you look hot as fuck,” Sapnap truthfully responds, looking at her with fondness in his eyes.

“I do, don't I?” It was more of a rhetorical question. She wasn’t necessarily looking for an answer, just letting her thoughts spill out.

She receives an answer regardless. “You do, and I'm glad you're starting to see it too,” The younger says as fondly as he’s looking at her.

“I mean, I've always known I was hot,” Dream states cockily, making Sapnap giggle. A noise that Dream loves to hear more than anything. “But now I'm starting to actually feel it.”

 

It was obvious Dream was changing and fans were starting to notice. It was more than just new clothes now. She’d see thread after thread speculating about things and tweet after tweet stating that it's weird to make such speculations when they didn't know Dream personally. Which is true, they probably shouldn’t, but Dream found she honestly wasn’t all that bothered by it.

And so she chose to leave it be. But for the first time she’s actually considering telling her fans about it. However, she decides to leave it for another day to give herself more time to really think about it, because once she comes out, that's it. The information will be out to everyone forever.

That thought scares her because she knows that there will be negative responses amongst all of the positive ones. All she wants to do is play minecraft with friends as herself, not deal with clashing viewpoints on something as ridiculously unimportant as gender.

 

Dream was editing a video a few weeks later and noticed that during the entire recording George and Sapnap referred to Dream with her proper pronouns. Probably because it was way too late and they were far too sleep deprived when they recorded to think about using he/him pronouns as to not out Dream. It being just them, she/her felt much too natural and normal at this point. The two of them never slipped up by accident anymore, so it made sense that they’d instinctually use her actual pronouns, she supposes.

She edits the video anyways.

Ending up spending the entire night editing. The video is funny, they spend a large chunk of it goofing around and they never actually completed the challenge that was set out for the video, but it felt like the perfect way to come out. To show that she's still the same goofy her, and that they still have the same goofy dynamic.

When she’s done editing it she uploads it to youtube, sets the title, and thumbnail, ready for the world to see. Everything was normal about it, nothing was different besides a set of pronouns used for her, but still, she was nervous.

Probably because those pronouns are an important part of herself. She's finally letting her fans and complete strangers see her for who she really is. It’s terrifying but exhilarating at the same time.

Pulling out her phone, she sends out a tweet on her private twitter that a new video is going to be up in about thirty minutes before she finds her way to her boyfriend’s room.

“Sapnap, hold me,” Dream demands as she climbs into bed beside Sapnap.

“What's wrong?” Sapnap worriedly asks, immediately doing as asked. He wraps his arms around Dream, holding her close and comfortingly.

“Mmm, nothing. Just nervous.”

“What's got ya so nervous?” The younger asks, bringing the arm that’s not wrapped around his girlfriend to her hair so that he can run his fingers through the longer than ever soft locks.

“I'm coming out to our fans in like thirty minutes,” Dream explained casually, as if it’s not a big deal. And it really shouldn’t have to be, but Sapnap knew it was for Dream.

“Wait, what? Really? How?”

“Remember that video we recorded?” Dream asks and Sapnap nods. “Well, you and George used she/her pronouns the entire time, and I'm just going to upload it,” Dream says, answering Sapnap’s line of questioning.

“Shit, sorry, we can record something else if you need something to upload.” Sapnap worries.

“No, this is something I want to do.” Dream says it with finality in her tone and that’s enough to convince her boyfriend that she’s sure about it.

“Okay. Then I'll hold you until you're ready.”

 

A little less than thirty minutes goes by before Dream gets up, Sapnap following her, to her office to post the video.

Three, two, one, she counts down in her head, then clicks the button needed to share it with the world.

Afterwards, she then copies the link and posts it to twitter, stating that she hoped they enjoy watching it with a typed out smile.

She then pulls out her phone and goes to the settings of her twitter account and changes the pronouns in her bio from he/him to she/her. Doing the same on all of her accounts across all her social medias afterwards.

Turning off her phone, she places it on her desk and leans her head on Sapnap’s arm, who’s currently standing right beside her. Wanting to give people time to react, and time for her nerves to die down a bit before she looks at the responses.

Sapnap, George, and Dream end up watching the new upload on their living room tv. Something they’ve made a habit of doing when one of them uploads a new video. George has a shocked look on his face once he realizes that Dream uploaded a video with her proper pronouns being used in it.

George doesn’t say anything but gives Dream a hug and Sapnap joins in shortly after, both extremely proud of her.

Notes:

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