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There was absolutely no way in hell she was going to prom.
”But it’ll be fun!” Jackie whines as she rolls across her bed to lie on her stomach, the bed dipping as she moves closer to Shauna. What so fun about prom anyway? Shauna doesn’t get why Jackie is so insistent she show up when they both know she’ll spend the night attached to Jeff’s hips when she doesn’t even like him that much. But it’s not like either of them would ever say that out loud so Shauna just shrugs and says, “Got no one to go with.”
That doesn’t seem to be satisfactory for Jackie because she presses on. “Loads of people want to go with you! You’re quite a catch Shipman.” Quite a catch — pretty but not like me. Don’t get her wrong - Shauna does like Jackie. Really, she truly did love her, but she probably lives more in Jackie’s life than she does her own. Everything circles back to Jackie fucking Taylor.
“Well there’s no one i’d like go with.” If there was one thing Jackie was, it was persistent.
“Go with Randy! You know he’s got the hots for you. Jeff told me he asked if you were single.”
“I am not going to prom with Randy fucking Walsh.” Definitely not the guy that probably sells drugs to half the school population - but she wouldn’t know, that’s more Natalie’s forte. Shauna can feel the pout forming on Jackie’s lips and she places the book down. Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte, she’d very much rather like to still be reading that than having this conversation.
”It’s not like it has to be a date or anything — We can all go as a group!” She’s using that voice now, the one she always uses when she desperately needs a ride somewhere or when she needs Shauna to entertain her through another one of her breakups with Jeff. And it’s not like it works, fine it usually does - but that’s not the point. It’s not going to work.
“It’s not like prom is set for us anyway. If we make it to Nationals, we’d be skipping it.” She picks the book back up and flips to the page she stopped at. She didn’t want to have to face the pitiful gaze Jackie probably has. What did it matter that she had no one to go to prom with? It wasn’t like she had anyone she even wanted to go with — well there was Jackie. But she didn’t count.
”Whatever you say, Shipman.” Now, it’s not like she finds it annoying that Jackie constantly has her nose in her business, she just doesn’t get why she has to get so upset about it sometimes. A hand grabs onto hers, soft smooth skin pressing into her rougher own. It makes her feel hot. It shouldn’t.
“I just worry—”
“You don’t have to Jax. It doesn’t really matter.” She lifts her arm up to flip a page in her book, letting Jackie’s hand drop back onto the bed and hopes that she can’t tell it’s to get away from her. All she hears is a grumble but otherwise, there’s no sign she’s going to press more.
About a minute of silence passes before Jackie speaks again. “Can I paint your nails? You can tell me what you’ll wear to the party tonight!” How in hell does she find so much joy in painting fucking nails? Shauna might know everything about Jackie but there were just things she’d never understand.
“What party?”
“The one at Lottie’s. She mentioned? Yesterday after practice?” Jackie says it like she should know, like she’s expected attendance at another party that will end the same way every other one does. But of course she would, everything comes back to perfect miss Taylor.
“Oh yeah, Lottie’s.” Shauna murmurs. She gives a distracted nod and sticks a hand forward for Jackie to paint whatever colour she felt like, either way they’d end up matching so what’s it matter?
“You should wear that boob dress! I could never pull such a dress off — you should totally give it a shot.” Jackie’s hands move expertly around her, one holding hers while the other searched for a perfect colour. And no, she wasn’t going to wear the boob dress.
“I’ll think about it later. I’ve got a lit paper on this book, I should probably focus.” Jackie never did show much interest in her love for books, she did listen when Shauna spoke about it, but never too intently. She looks up and sees big brown eyes frowning at her, frustrated and confused, the type that should make her feel like a bitch — and yes so what if it works?
“You’re awfully snappy today jesus.” And there’s an accusatory tone in her voice so Shauna finally relents.
“Sorry, i’m just so stressed about the paper, you know how I get with lit. I’ll finish up this chapter and do — I don’t know, girl stuff.” The frown slowly fades away though apprehension is clear in her eyes.
“You sure?” Shauna can hear the worry seeped into each individual word.
“Yeah, totally. Everything’s fine!” She hopes that if she tells herself that enough, perhaps everything would be happy and dandy. But nothing’s fine — obviously.
_____
Natalie should probably stop drinking now. She has no idea why fucking Coach Martinez would call for extra practice in the middle of the week. It’s a Tuesday, no one does that type of shit on a goddamn Tuesday. Jackie Taylor had called her house, sounding all chirpy and bright and that loud fucking phone had woken up her mom from her nap and obviously — she had been blamed. Jackie was probably the only one who was glad there was extra training, Natalie bets even Tai would rather be hanging out with Van — doing whatever the fuck those two did. She thanks all the gods who would listen when her mom leaves the house to drink with some guy that’s probably only there to get in her pants. Kevyn passes her the joint from where he sits beside her on the floor and holds a hand out, waiting for the bottle of cheap beer to be handed over.
Nat doesn’t remember inviting Kevyn over — though she probably did, just high on way too much drugs to even be remembering shit. If she were honest, Kevyn was nice, a decent friend. Sure, he was annoying and just a bit clingy sometimes but she got free rides to school on occasion and sometimes she got weed and alchohol for free so what’s not to love? She’s rather much be spending time with Lottie but Natalie Scatorccio and Charlotte Matthews weren’t people who hung out - hell, they weren’t even names that got mentioned in the same sentence. The only time Nat gets to spend actual time with her is when she hosts her usual parties and they end up in the bathroom or the bedroom doing something that would give Lottie’s parents an aneurysm.
“My mom wants me home for dinner today so I can’t stay too late. Not even supposed to drink.” yet he takes a swig of the stale beer anyway.
”Drop me off at school before you go back. Fucking coach’s being a dick again.” Sometimes she forgets that Kevyn’s a normal guy with a normal life. Well not normal like Jackie and her prim and proper back garden but normal enough — with a decently sized house and caring parents. And Nat isn’t jealous, not really, but sometimes she entertains the idea of a normal version of Natalie Scatorccio, a version of her that doesn’t send most of the soccer team’s parents’ into a frown. She knows that Kevyn only doesn’t invite her over because his mom disapproves of his company - mostly Nat. But at least Kevyn’s more fun than creepy Misty Quigley who think’s managing their gear makes her a Yellowjacket, or Jackie Taylor who she dislikes more than she should.
She can’t wait for that party tonight. Lottie mentioned her parent’s going on another one of their business trips which leaves her with that big fucking house that has more rooms than Nat has fingers. And a party at Lottie’s will probably be the most fun any high schooler in Wiskayok will ever have — also, Nat gets free booze. Nothing beats free booze.
She passes the joint back to Kevyn but doesn’t take the bottle of beer he holds out. “Coach will kill me if I reek of alchohol. Being like one absence away from expulsion really doesn’t help my case either.”
"Why would anyone have an extra practice on a Tuesday?" Kevyn might not be the most interesting person to talk to but at least he had common sense.
"I've got no idea why Jackie would even agree in the first place but our final match is next week so I guess I get it." She decides she needs that beer afterall and flicks her hand in his direction to get him to give the bottle to her, now half empty. Kevyn only nods at what she says and smokes the joint, letting a puff of smoke out. Nat watches as the smoke drifts around the room, turning a shade lighter each second till she can't even see gray anymore.
"You coming to Lot's tonight? She's hosting one last party before we win states as she says - do you think we'll win states?" She heard Tai mention yesterday that the school they were playing was shit but still, not like she was paying attention to the conversation.
"Hmm? Oh yeah sure."Kevyn is clearly more interested in the joint in his hand and Nat decides that she doesn't want to stay in her tiny room anymore inhaling smoke and nursing a stale beer so she gets up and stretches, leather jacket wrinkling as she moved.
"Drop me off at the deli, I want food before practice." Kevyn nods sluggishly as he stands, slinging his bag over his shoulder as they walk out towards his car.
“Do you want me to pick you up after practice to the party?” I guess she is grateful of Kevyn - or his car at least. “Nah, I’ll hitch a ride with Lot or something.”
_____
Why does Lottie even keep hosting these parties — definitely not because she wants to have some time alone with Nat. Most definitely not. Who did she even invite anyway? She can feel her legs move beneath her she runs along the track, the rest of the team close to her. Nat’s staring at her, she can feel it. Lottie gets stares sometimes - most of the students look at her the same, tall, rich Lottie who hosts parties, cool but not that cool, weird but not too weird. But Nat looks at her different, she’s always shameless about it too, head tilting in amusement when she notices Lottie staring back. With the others, she has the team to hide behind — Laura Lee to talk to, Van to laugh with, or even Jackie and Shauna to steer the attention away from her. Mostly Jackie, but where she went Shauna went.
“Give me a ride to your party later Lot?” Nat has a coarse voice, but not coarse in the way Randy Walsh or Kevyn Tan’s was. Anyone who smoked often enough all had that slightly grainy voice, sometimes when she’s drunk out of her mind and listening to Nat ramble on about something random, she feels like she can feel the roughness of her voice bounce off against her eardrums — though it’s probably just her. Lottie knew they all smoked the same shit but Nat somehow found a way to pull it off, hell she might even find just how coarse it can get hot whenever they end up—
“Matthews! You’re slacking!” Nat just laughs as she runs beside Lottie. Fucking coach Martinez and his annoying fucking voice.
“So? Do I have a ride?” Lottie always can’t help but notice the way her eyeliner contorts whenever she changes expression, or the way her crooked teeth were in full show when she smiles. It was endearing almost. There’s a sense of impatience when Nat speaks and so she gives an absent-minded nod and runs ahead to catch up with the group. She has to stop thinking about Nat fucking Scatorccio.
Coach Martinez starts going off about drills again after warm-ups and Lottie can already feel herself drifting away from the conversation. She wishes she had skipped practice and gone to get drunk before the party actually began so she could stop thinking about fucking Natalie Scatorccio. But it would be a bit silly if she were to host a party after soccer and not show up for the fucking training. With Finals so close, she thinks either Tai or Jackie might strangle her.
Does she even like soccer anyway? It’s easy to get existential when all she has to focus on is Coach saying the exact thing he says every fucking training. At this point even Jackie must be fed up with it. Nat’s always an option - a voice in the back of her head reminds her. But if she lets her mind drift to her one more time within like half an hour, Lottie might just let herself overdose on her pills.
“Are you—”
But anyway. Her parents show their very clear disdain for her playing soccer. Her mother’s constantly calling it brutish and her father has the same frown he always has when Lottie ends up with dirty or muddy clothes. But soccer makes her happy and neither of them can fault that so they let it slide. Besides, she’s probably the smallest part about their lives.
“Hey, Lottie! You listening?” Jackie calls her with a surprising amount of patience considering Shauna’s ignoring her. they always end up unknowingly making their arguments the whole team’s problem.
“Huh? Oh yeah continue.”
“So as I was saying…”
Lottie can’t really bring herself to pay attention so she just watches the clouds move in the sky as it gets darker. In the corner of her eye, she notices Nat doing the same.
________
Why the fuck was Shauna ignoring her? Sometimes it just feels like their whole relationship’s one-sided. Shauna knows everything about her and she knows absolutely fucking nothing. And it wasn’t like Shauna was angry or something, if she was she wouldn’t have driven Jackie to practice - though the whole car ride was silent. Okay, maybe she was mad.
All she did was mention prom, which she had been talking about all week so none of this made sense really. Practice was killing her and Coach Martinez was starting to annoy the fuck out of her and Shauna isn’t even sparing her a glance though Jackie can tell that she knows she’s being stared at. It seems the team has caught on too, Mari is ready whispering something to Akilah while looking them both up and down and everyone notices when Shauna goes to do drills with Tai without even looking at her. being left with Laura Lee wasn’t even that bad but — Shauna. It feels as though everyone’s fucking judging her quietly because well, Shauna wasn’t an argument starter and all Jackie wants to do at the moment is go to the bathroom and fucking rip her hair out. But she couldn’t possibly do that, she’d give her mother a heart attack, so she just grits her teeth and forces a practiced smile at Laura Lee, running up towards her to start drills.
When practice ends, coach is calling her to his office before she can let out the sigh of relief she was holding and she feels like she might just punch him when she sees Shauna walking in the opposite direction.“So Jackie, one more match next week and the Yellowjackets will be heading to Nationals.” Jackie simply nods along, head too all over the place to even act like a proper captain and fucking listen. “I’m confident this team will make it and I hope you are too.” Whatever it is he’s insinuating, she cannot bring herself to care so she just nods and mutters words of agreement to whatever he has to say. All jackie wants to do is get out of this fucking office and go to the lockers to change into the blue dress resting at the bottom of her bag waiting to be worn - then talk to Shauna about what the fuck this whole silent treatment’s for.
By the time she reaches the lockers, she’s panting from the short sprint from the office and only Tai and Van are left.
“Hey where’s Shauna?” There was no way she just ditched Jackie in school and left.
“She bailed earlier, gave Laura Lee a ride. You’re going to the party right?” Shauna was supposed to be her fucking ride to and from the party — she didn’t ask per se but Shauna was always designated driver. None of this made sense. She’s been waiting to speak to her for all of training and she just fucking left her.
Jackie doesn’t even care that much about prom anyway. She only brought it up because Jeff was taking too fucking long to ask her and she was on the verge of breaking up with him again and Shauna always had the right things to say. She would have ditched fucking prom and it’s fucking dim annoying lights if Shauna has just asked. Her mother would probably kick her out, mention something about acting like a girl for once and not being so — dykey. But she could handle that. What she couldn’t fucking handle was Shauna fucking Shipman ignoring her over something so stupid.
“Jackie?” Right, Tai and Van were still there.
“Wha- Oh yeah, I’m going.”
“You okay?” Taissa is using a mildly concerned tone though Jackie knows that she just wants to fucking leave an head to the party like everyone else. She’s wearing those big fucking hoops she always wears when she’s not training or in school and she has this big brown hoodie over her slip on dress that Jackie bets belongs to Van - but who is she to assume? Fuck, she looks amazing with her curly hair and stand-offish expression she uses with almost everyone and it makes her want to heave.
Instead she flashes what could be an Oscar winning smile that she uses way too often for someone who has been on earth for less than two decades, digs through her bag for the blue dress and turns to change. “Mhmm yep, all good!”
“Well do you want a ride? We could wait outside.” Van, caring fucking Van who’s too nice than everyone deserves.
“Sure, thanks!” How the fuck else was she supposed to get to the party? It wasn’t like she was going to refuse just cause she was feeling antsy over the lack of Shauna and the lack of her run-down car that she named, and Jackie shouldn’t find something so trivial cute, but yet she does because well — It’s Shauna.
_____
When Nat and Lottie arrive at the party in her shiny, more-expensive-than-her-trailer car, the house is already packed with half-drunk high schoolers. Randy Walsh is swaying by the keg in the middle of the living room in front of the stairs, standing by it like a fucking guardian angel.
“Do you usually just let people in to your house when you’re not around?”
Lottie simply shrugs. “Not like anyone’s gonna steal anything important, my parents would like get them kicked out of Wiskayok if they got caught.” She gestures to the open front door and Nat spares one last look at the canvas of green and the obnoxioulsy red roses in Lottie’s front yard before she trudges up the porch stairs. Somehow, Lottie’s arms find their way around her shoulder as she walks throug the house to greet anyone she knew. It feels comforting, though Nat would never admit it, but it’s also fucking humid and it reeks of teenage sweat so Nat leaves Lottie with the simple excuse of getting beer.
By divine intervention or whatever bullshit Laura Lee talks about, she manages to spot Kevyn among the sea of smoker looking dudes all looking equally as nasty smoking the same thing. “Got a joint?” Nat says over the crowd of boys laughing over Randy chugging on beer and Kevyn turns around in mild surprise, holding a red solo cup.
“Not even a hello?” She doesn’t understand what so funny for Kevyn to be laughing but he does give her the joint in his hand so she keeps quiet. Nat decides that she’s not in the mood to tolerate tipsy clingy Kevyn so she excuses herself to the liquor cabinet and picks out the bottle with the most vodka.
Nat can tell she’s drinking some good shit - and no, not because she has extensive knowledge on alchohol, but she can’t understand the russian words on the label so it’s probably imported. Everyone can take the rest of the cabinet but this vodka’s hers now. She can still feel the ghost of Lottie’s long arm on her shoulder and she takes a swig and feels the liquid burn as it moved down her throat. Fuck Lottie and her long legs and cute bangs and—
“Nat!”
— and Jackie Taylor’s talking to her.
“Have you seen Shauna?”
What the fuck? Nat was not going to involve herself in their little girl drama. “Fuck off I haven’t.”
______
Jackie is going to fucking drive herself crazy looking for Shauna. The car ride here had been bad enough, Tai was breathing down her neck with questions about why she wasn’t with Shauna and she just wants to scream back that it isn’t even her problem — then she remembers Tai and Shauna take like half their classes together and are probably close. So she just shuts up and fakes another smile, and buries the uneasy feeling down her throat as she pretends that everything is fucking splendid.
Van on the other hand, Van always seems to know when something is wrong, like she has a third eye for these types of things. Jackie knows she looks like a sulking child in the backseat of Taissa’s car and Van is looking at her from the rearview mirror as she drives, a slight frown appearing each time she looks at her. Jackie can tell that she’s itching to ask a question, her eyes flickering from the road to her then back to the road in hesitation. Jackie hopes she doesn’t say anything because she feel like she might seriously start screaming and van is a person you simply do not scream at, and Tai would probably fuck her up if she did.
So now she’s stuck at a fucking party looking for Shauna but there’s too many fucking people and Jackie feels like she can’t breathe anymore. All she did was ask Nat a simple question and now Nat’s acting all pissed with her. She’s so fucking tired she listens to Nat when she’s told to fuck off. Before she can even look around, Jeff’s voice is ringing through her ears.
“Hey babe!” There’s a small beer stain on his varsity jacket and god, she’s seriously trying her best to not punch anyone but his clumsiness and voice might just break her well-behaved streak. He smiles at her boyishly, with his eyes too small for his face and his mouth too big. Jackie smiles back but she knows it comes off as more of a grimace when Jeff doesn’t say anything and it’s just awkward.
“Have you seen Shauna?”
“You didn’t come with her? Anyway i’m gonna smoke pot with the boys, wanna join?” Why can’t everyone just understands that she wants Shauna now? No one seems to give a fuck and no one’s helping her, this house isn’t like that big, Shauna has to be here somewhere.
“What- no, I need to find Shauna.”
“Jesus okay, well you know where I’ll be.” She barely nods in acknowledgemet before he’s pressing a sloppy kiss on her cheek and fucking off to go smoke. She walks towards the kitchen and nope, no sign of Shauna.
“Hey Jackie! Want a drink?” Este Gomez from History is holding out a red solo cup in front of her. Some of the girls from softball stream into the kitchen and each grab their own cup from off the counter. Este is still holding the cup towards her and it would be mean of her to say no so she reluctantly holds the cup of warm beer and takes a sip.
“Any of y’all seen Shauna?” They all shake their head in confusion and Jackie’s sure they’re questioning why she’s by herself without Shauna, Jeff or any of her yellowjackets but Jackie’s not looking to be the centre of attention for once so she just leaves the kitchen before anyone makes a boring comment about her subpar dress and starts a conversation.
______
“Are you mad at Jackie?” Laura Lee is talking to her in her usual friendly voice and Shauna can tell that she isn’t even being sarcastic — just a genuine question.
“What? No.” Laura lee probably thinks she sounds accusatory and the fact that she accidentally stepped on the brakes too hard does not help at all.
“Well she did drills with me the whole of practice so obviously, something’s up. But whatever it is, i’m sure you two will figure it out, you always do!” Shauna sighs. Was she too harsh on Jackie? But she’s far beyond the point where she can mutter a simple apology and go back to linking arms and having sleepovers like when they were little. Shauna starts to feel a little bad when she’s halfway to the house and the radio isn’t playing the usual crappy Pop songs — sure sh despises most of those songs but Jackie likes them and it’s just reminding her that yes, she just left her best friend stranded in Wiskayok fucking high. But Tai and Van will probably give her a ride, Van’s far too nice to not offer and Tai doesn’t leave till everyone does.
“Jackie and I are fine! Really, we are!” At this point, she’s more convincing herself than Laura. She takes a glimpse at Laura at the red light, taking in her whole Christian girl vibe. Her eyes are actually really blue now that Shauna thinks about it — and her skin looks really soft. Laura is staring back at her in curiosity and Shauna might just revert back to being religious if she could feel as positive and warm as her - who is she kidding, her entire being’s like a whole sin, what with Jackie and everything.
”Shauna, it’s a green light.”
”Oh shit sorry. Do you need a ride back today? I could give you one.”
”No it’s alright! My sister’s picking me up tonight at 10 before her night shift!” Well, trust Laura Lee to always come prepared. Her brain is decidedly too noisy and she just cannot handle the sound of her beat-down engine so she contemplates it for a moment and decides — fuck it.
“Hey Laura, what do I do if i’ve done something wrong but I can’t tell anyone? And I mean like no one at all. Do I like pray? ” If there’s anyone she could talk to without word getting out, she’d place all her bets on Laura Lee and her good Christian faith. The problem involved Jackie so that was out of question, and Tai would spend more time chastising her than offering actual help — not that she would ever tell her.
”Well yeah, you could pray — though the only thing that would help is facing the problem. I mean, you can only hide from something for so long. I could still say a prayer for you - if you want?” Shauna drums her fingers along the steering wheel as a familiar tune plays on the radio. It wasn’t like she could actually tell Jackie what was wrong. She can’t even bring herself to mention the Brown acceptance letter, how the fuck was she supposed to do this?
”Thank’s a lot Laura.”
Laura holds one hand out to Shauna and it takes her a moment to realise she’s asking for her hand. She closes her eyes and starts whispering some words Shauna’s too lazy to listen out for so she just faces the road and focuses on driving. When silence falls in the car again, it somehow feels lighter.
_____
When they first got here, Jackie had only muttered a short thanks and disappeared into the crowd. She didn’t say but they both knew she was off to find Shana after seeing her car when they had pulled in to the driveway. Lottie was already tipsy, she could tell from the way her expression shifted from spacey to blissful as she danced with Nat in the centre of the dance floor, her stature making her stand out among the crowd.
“Let’s go, before anyone spots us.” She grabs Van’s hand in hers, her calloused palms rubbing against hers as she tightens her grip and drags Van through the hallway. The moment Tai has the door locked behind her, she’s all over Van, kissing her with way too much urgency considering they had spent basically all day together. Tai pushes her against the wall as quickly but gently as she possibly can, tangling one hand in soft red hair.
Van’s mouth is warm and soft and she feels like she’s melting when Van holds her face in her hands. All she can do is helplessly kiss back, with the desperation of an addict trying to get their fix. Tai’s cups her chin, pushing it down slightly to get her mouth to open wider. Then Van is off her lips and the only thing stopping her from chasing that feeling is Van’s hand on her chest.
“You’re wearing way too much for my liking.” She whispers, slightly out of breathe.
“And we should not be doing this here. Someone’s bound to come knocking.”
“We were supposed to hang out today instead of soccer — I’ve been waiting to kiss you all fucking day.” Tai’s whining and she still has Van pressed against the door and Van’s face is clearly contradicting what she’s saying with her eyes moving to Tai’s lips and back to her eyes repeatedly.
“Shauna? You in there?” Taissa groans in annoyance and untangles herself from Van.
“It’s Tai!”
“Oh sorry!” Disappointment emanates from Jackie when she says a quick apology and they hear footsteps getting fainter and fainter down the hall.
“See?” Van gestures at the door with a comical expression, but she follows up before Tai can get moody. “Later, okay? Why not we go out there and loosen up a bit and have fun!” Tai mutters something about being cock-blocked but Van does have a point so she just fixes Van’s braided hair and wipes the light tint of lipstick off her swollen mouth. She can smell the cinammon shampoo off Van’s hair as she tucks a few loose strands back into place, running her fingers along the freckles on her flushed cheeks. She gives Van a chaste kiss when she’s done and unlocks the door.
“Later — you better hold on to that promise, i’ll be waiting.” Van giggles in response and steps into the hall with Tai.
They navigate through drunk teens and obnoxious couples making out to the living room, and Nat’s sprawled all over the couch holding the same bottle of vodka she had when Tai and Van first arrived, now with a noticeably less amount of vodka in it. She’s giggling at something Lottie said and it must be that funny because her shoulders are shaking and Tai can see the dimples on her cheeks. Nat’s blowing wisps of blonde hair out of her face and she’s definitely drunk out of her mind. Before either she or Van can get the bottle out of her hand, Shauna’s suddenly there and snatching it away from nat to take a swig of it.
“Hey! Give it back!” Nat flings her arm at Shauna from the couch but her voice is so slurred and her eyes aren’t even fully open — Tai’s surprised that she hasn’t choked on her own puke yet. Van’s holding a hand over her mouth to stifle her laughter and yeah okay, maybe it is a bit funny.
Lottie is swaying in front of the couch to a random George Micheal song with her arms wrapped around Laura Lee and she pauses for just a moment to bring Shauna into her little circle, long arms wrapping around their waists as they sing lyrics softly.
Taissa looks on in amusement at them making an absolute fool of themselves in the middle of Lottie’s gigantic fucking living room. There’s a bunch of the theatre kids sipping on beer in an area in a corner, and she can tell by the grimace Misty Quigley makes everytime the red solo cups goes near her mouth that it tastes like dog shit. Jeff is still sitting with Randy and the other guys on the shitty useless Football team at another long couch in the room, smoking something that looks borderline dangerous to her.
It takes a moment for any of them to notice her and Van standing near the couch but when they do Lottie is talking in a mildy annoying high-pitched voice, “Taissa! Van! Come dance with us!”
Van giggles beside her and whispers under her breathe, “If you can call that dancing.”
Nat only grunts and goes back to staring at the room ceiling while she smokes a joint, and her hand, now free from the bottle of vodka, is moving through the smoke as it disperses. Laura’s the only one’s that’s sober and she smiles at the both of them and gives a little wave but then a rap song comes up on the radio and she’s getting distracted again. Shauna seems to just be tipsy and she detaches herself from Lottie and Laura to say hi.
“Hey Tai, Van. Where were you guys?”
“Oh wardrobe malfunction — nothing serious. Jackie’s looking for you, she’s knocking on every fucking door asking.”
Speaking of which, where the fuck was Jackie? How is it that she finds Shauna before Jackie did — and she wasn’t even looking!
Shauna’s open expression changes at the mention of her name. “Let her keep looking for all I care.”
“Shauna! There you are!”
Ah, speak of the devil.
______
“Shauna! There you are!” Fucking finally. After what felt like hours roaming through the house, she’s finally found her. Shauna is clearly not happy to see her, she’s frowning from where she stands and her usual innocent, doe brown eyes has a hint of distaste in them — but their in public right now and Jackie isn’t looking to embarass either of them so she gives a confused smile and speaks again.
“Where were you? I’ve been looking everywhere.” Shauna makes no effort to move from beside Tai, leaving Jackie no choice but to skirt past a very drunk Peter Nelson from basketball to walk over.
“With Lottie and Laura.” She gestures towards them dancing and if Jackie weren’t os stressed, she would have found it cute. Shauna takes a swig of the vodka and winces at the taste, swallowing it down with a sigh. Jackie is too pre-occupied with Shauna that she doesn’t notice Natalie stand up from the couch and stagger over towards them.
“Give me back my bottle of—”
And there’s puke on her dress. Tai is the first person to react, moving over swiftly and pulling at Nat’s leather jacket to get her away from her. Jackie stands so still it feels like she’s disappearing from the world as people around her move — if she has to take another step she swears she’s going to burst into tears.
“Oops.” Is all Nat says as she burps and yeah, Jackie’s going to get herself sent to jail for the murder of Natalie Scatorccio. But then Shauna has a hand on her back and she’s getting guided up the stairs with Van close behind shouting for tissues — and sure Van was just being nice but now everyone at his fucking party within earshot is looking at her walk up the stairs with puke on her dress and she swears she sees Allie stevens laugh from near the balcony door.
Tai continues barking order as a drunk Lottie tries to get the party back in motion and the attention away from them. It seems to work because most of them turn away from the couch to go back to making out or whatever bullshit.
Before she can even process what the fuck just happened, the 3 of them are in a random guest bedroom and Van somehow got her hands on a bunch of napkins from god knows where.
“Hey, you okay?” The doe eyed expression is back on and Jackie finds herself too tired to shout or ask so she just nods. Shauna takes off her red flannel, revealing her bare shoulders in her brown mini dress that looks way better than the one she’s wearing — ignore the puke on it. She finds herself looking at the curve of her collarbone, noticing the slight tan line on her arm from soccer. She should not be thinking about Shauna Shipman’s arms while there’s literal vomit on her — yet she does.
“You can change into this, we’ll go find pants for you or something.” She holds out her flannel expectantly. Van passes her some of the napkins she’s holding and adds on, “White vinegar and detergent will probably get that off — you should wash it tomorrow though, if not it’ll probably leave a stain.” Jackie chooses not to question why she would know that off the top of her head.
They both leave the room to get Jackie a pair of pants and she doesn't understand why Shauna has to leave, they've both seen each other naked like a million times. Why can't the universe just let her have a conversation with her fucking best friend without interrupting her?
_______
Van looks downright pissed at her.
"Can you and Jackie just sort your bullshit out already - I'm tired of her sulking and you being all quiet and gloomy."
"It doesn't matter, Jackie's fine. Also there's nothing going on, we're fine!" Yeah, who is she kidding. But it not like she could just blurt out the fact that she has a crush on her best friend and it's 1996 and as much as her mother loves her, she will get kicked out without a doubt.
"Jackie is literally nothing without you like she goes mad when you're not attached to the hip. Whatever co-dependent relationship y'all have, it's a little fucked up." Van points towards the closed door and back to her. Before she can even retort a mild insult back, Tai is bounding up the stairs with an awfully high amount of grace in her slip-on dress, holding a gray pair of shorts.
"Lottie and Nat found these. They should fit - I think."
She expects Van to take it but Van is just looking at her like she's stupid and Shauna has no idea what she's trying to do so she just stares back in confusion. Van groans and grabs the pants from Tai and push it into her arms.
"For someone so smart, you're awfully dense. Go fix your girl drama please. If not for yourself, for the sake of the team."
Tai adds on. "I swear to god, if I have to see her sulk in the backseat of my car one more time, it's fully on you Shipman. We'll be downstairs waiting."
Then they're gone and she's the only one standing there, with a pair of gray shorts that's probably way too big.
She knocks on the door twice, palms slowly starting to sweat when she hears a meek 'come in' from the other side of the door. Here goes nothing.
“Hey. You okay?” Jackie is sitting on the bed when she walks into the room, closing he door behind her with a soft ‘click’.
“Yeah.” Shauna waits for more to be said but Jackie doesn’t say anything else, just takes the shorts from her hands and turns around to put it on. Shauna can feel her eyes shift downards but she brings it back up and suddenly the white patterned window sills are the most interesting things in the room. When Jackie’s done, she sits down on the bed with a defeated sigh.
“Why are you ignoring me?” She can feel the hurt drill into her soul when Jackie looks at her.
“I’m not.”
“Why can’t you just tell me what’s wrong instead of always leaving me in the dark? I always tell you everything yet you never do that! I’m supposed to be your bestfriend Shauna!” Jackie spits out each word like acid, and yeah so what if she was right?
“Have you ever thought that maybe it’s because you never give me a chance to say anything? Everything’s always about you Jackie!” She feels herself shouting back instinctively. Shauna can’t do this. She shouldn’t have listened to Van. She should have bolted the moment she saw Jackie taylor climb up the stairs into the house. She should have ran and just never stop.
“You know, I saw your Brown acceptance letter.” Shauna’s eyes widen in surprise. But how? She’d kept in within the pages of her journal under her bed. There was no way for her to see the letter unless—
“Did you mean what you said? In your journals? Do you hate me?” Jackie doesn’t even sound angry — just disappointed. And Shauna can’t tell if that’s better or worse.
“I didn’t—”
“Why couldn’t you tell me about how you felt? I didn’t — I didn’t even know. Why can’t you just comprehend the fact that maybe I actually care about you? And you should’ve just told me you didn’t want to go to Rutgers. I want you to be happy, Shauna. My best friend in an Ivy league school — I would have been so proud.” Shauna takes each word like a knife to the heart as Jackie just looks at her like a wounded animal - or an unwanted dog, hurt and scared. She doesn’t know what to say and her mouth opens before closing again.
”We’ve been friends for so long, Shauna. Say something please, just help me understand why. Please, I beg of you, just—”
She cups Jackie’s cheeks and leans down, soft lips crashing to hers to cut off her downward spiral. She just fucking kissed Jackie. God Shauna is going to kill herself. “Oh my god, i’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to and-”
Before she can even process what she just did, Jackie’s kissing her back and Shauna’s sighing to it as her hand tangles in Jackie’s hair. She parts her lips and Jackie follows, fitting Shauna’s bottom lip between hers. Shauna hums into the sensation and climbs on top of Jackie, pushing her against the bed, feeling her squirm slightly below her. Jackie’s lips feel better than she ever thought it would, soft and full and pressed against hers. She can feel the taste of cherry lipstick on her tongue — and god it should not feel this good but yet it does. They kiss for what feels like hours and even though she’s barely breathing at this point, Shauna’s still leaning towards Jackie when she pulls away.
“I - wow.” is all Jackie says when they’re lips part. Shauna rolls of her and they just stare up at the ceiling, eyes tracing the patterns across the wall as they lie in silence.
“Now you get why?” She whispers into the dark and Jackie turns her head away from the ceiling towards her and smiles. And god she looks like an angel against the moonlight seeping through the windows, illuminating every curve and every feature.
Shauna doesn’t know when exactly she fell in love with Jackie. It didn’t happen within one moment, but rather over the course of their friendship. She doesn’t remember when she started looking at Jackie and thinking “home” — as if time and space had become the finest point imaginable, as if time collapses into one tiny speck and all that’s left is the both of them, colliding and bleeding into each other to the point where Shauna can’t think of where she ends and Jackie begins.
“I love you.”
She was irrevocably, completely in love with Jackie. It wasn’t anything new, but that didn’t mean it doesn’t surprise her everytime she thinks about it. She’s in love with the way Jackie always buys something for her everytime she goes out of town. She loves the way Jackie hasn’t removed the necklace she made back in 6th grade for her, the way she holds her, bodies pressed against each other like they were the only two people in the world, like she was Jackie’s sole priority
But although Shauna could never imagine the person Jackie would become for her, she knew that she would leave her anyway; that no matter how she pleaded and begged, she knew. It was heartbreaking to think that Jackie lived in her; in everything she was. Her love for ice cream, of rollerblading or going for long car rides — those were all Jackie’s. That ever since the age of 7, every good moment had belonged to her. Jackie had taught her all the pleasure there was to have in life, and she had removed it too, taken her heart right out from her chest, merciless and ruthless, and smashed it to pieces, leaving her hollow.
It’s not like Jackie’s gone or anything. She will still be able to hear his voice, to have the smell of her perfume wafting through her room, to have her arms around her. But then Shauna’s met with the daunting realisation that nothing is the same and nothing ever will be again. She repeats to herself in her head like a mantra, “At least I still have her. At least she still wants me.” But Jackie doesn’t love her the way she does. Jackie doesn’t think of Shauna’s lips, she wasn’t like that. Jackie didn’t crave the feeling of her arms around her, Jackie doesn’t think of her everytime a love song plays on the radio. And that was okay — really it was, she saw this coming anyway — but that didn’t make it any less painful.
_______
Somehow, Jackie can tell that Shauna means something else when she says I love you. She says it all soft and sweet, like a lullaby sending her off to a peaceful sleep. Her voice is a little bit coarse and Jacie nearly smiles when the panic sets in. Shauna loved her — no, loves her. She knows that she won’t say it back in this moment yet she’s always longed for Shauna to tell her.
“Shauna — I can’t.” Jackie know that by saying this, she’s dooming herself to ever only loving Shauna from afar. Yet she still feels so helpless against herself and she just can’t say the words that remained buried deep in her heart for so long. And she can see Shauna’s heart break right before her eyes and all she wants to do is reach in past her ribs and between her lungs to just piece such a precious thing back together. Shauna had always been too good for her, too pure, too kind. She wishes she could just drop everything — break up with Jeff, pack a bag and run off to New York or something. But she can’t do that, because this is her life and she doesn’t know what she’ll do if she doesn’t have a boyfriend, she isn’t like Van who’s happy being just who she is, or Nat who does not give a fuck about what people thinks. Jackie just isn’t strong enough to face it.
“Please. Just for a moment, can we pretend everything’s fine? Please? It’s the last thing I’ll ever ask of you.” And how was she supposed to say no when Shauna’s voice is breaking and there’s already tears forming in her eyes? Jackie can feel the guilt pouring in, drowning her in misery. So she nods and lies back down against Shauna, breathing in the smell of sweet chamomile on her dress. She wants to say sorry, want’s to undo the damage, unbreak her heart. But she can’t becasue they were anything to begin with. Jackie realises that she’d never even said ‘I love you’ back, and she has the futile hope that if she just lied there forever beside Shauna, she’d find it herself to let them be something more — that if they stayed just like this long enough, she’d find that courage.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay Jax. We’re going to be okay.” She was supposed to be the one apologizing, offering comfort and warmth yet here Shauna was again ever the best friend, reassuring her that everything was going to be okay even though absolutely nothing was. Shauna didn’t deserve any of this, she deserved someone who could love her, who could kiss her and hold her without feeling any guilt or shame. And Jackie’s never felt more guilty that she can’t be that, that she can’t go a day without thinking of people’s judgemental eyes all around her or her mother giving her a displeased look everytime she goes out with Shauna or anytime the soccer girls have a sleepover.
Shauna was like gravity, an invisible force drawing her in all those years ago when they were just kids and Jackie thought that all she needed in this world was Shauna. Back when she belonged to Shauna and Shauna belonged to her. Back when everything was simple, back when nothing held weight and nothing was worth worrying over. They could just be themselves, in their own world. But things were different now and Jackie finds herself with her hands tied, trapped in a life she never wanted. She hated how incompetent she felt, how useless she was to the point she couldn’t even help herself.
“Guy’s we’re playing truth or dare! Wanna join?” Lottie’s knocking on the door way too loudly for Jackie’s taste so she shouts back a “Be right out!” and pushes herself off the bed, neatening her hair and straightening out Shauna’s flannel — which yes, she was still wearing. She turns around and opens her mouth to speak but she’s beaten to it.
“No one can know about tonight, yes I know. We’ll never bring it up again.” Shauna says with a resigned sigh as she smooths out the curves of Lottie’s expensive silk sheets. All Jackie wants is for Shauna to look at her, to just tilt her head up slightly and look at her so she can reach out and just hold on to Shauna, smothering her tight enough to fix her shattered soul. But Shauna’s doing anything but looking at her. Jackie wipes away the tear that drips down her face. Her mother was right — she was useless.
She kisses Shauna’s cheek once before she steps out of the room first, feeling the hot tears burn into her face when their cheeks brush.
And yes, Jackie will still wait at her locker every day after AP lit class. Will still kiss her cheek at every sleep over or party, leaning over her bed or pushing herself to stand on her tiptoes to do it. She'll still smile at Shauna as she drives, dreaming of their future together, a future like the one they talked about when they were in middle school, where they made a pact to live together without the disruption of anyone else. She will ask so many questions about Shauna's life in Brown and she will mean every single one of them. She will smile and laugh at every lame joke she makes and she will make the bed every time Shauna visits. She'll cry when they fight and she'll jump at every possibility to make up. She will say I love you everytime she's dropped of home and she will never stop meaning those 3 words in her heart.
But she will not mention tonight ever again and she will ignore the feeling that every 'i love you' meant more than it should by crying into her pillow every night. She will kiss Jeff in the hallways of Wiskayok high and try her best to get Shauna's disappointed gaze out of her mind and she will continue to do so even at Rutgers , even when Shauna's a thousand miles away and probably not even thinking of her. She will try to be a better person , she will try to be kind to everything she sees, because in all the beautiful and manificient things that could exist in this world, she sees her. Jackie will smile at her roommate and her friends and every neighbour she will ever have throughout her life in hope that this will redeem her, but deep down she knows that any hope of being better was taken away from her when she walked away from Shauna. Sweet, perfect, heartbroken Shauna.
When she gets married, she will ask Shauna to be her maid of honour and Shauna will smile at her adoringly at her and say yes, because a small part of her will never stop loving Jackie and she has to settle for what she can. She will hold Shauna the night before the wedding, pawing at her clothes as she cries about breaking her own heart in a stupid party in high school and allowing herself to be swallowed up in this nightmare — She won’t say anything of course and Shauna will wipe her tears away and smile even though Jackie can see the pain and the ache behind her eyes.
And she'll grow old, just as the plants in her Rutgers dorm yellow and wilt and wrinkles grow on her skin year by year. She'll say I love you everytime they call, every time they hug, everytime they depart. She hopes that one day she can say those words without feeling the guilt gnawing through her stomach, she hopes one day - when they are both old and finally content with life, she hopes then she'll at least accept the way she feels. But she knows she won't. And she knows they'll both grow old — just not together. Just not the way they wanted to.