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How could you?
Those are the three words at the forefront of Levi’s mind as Erwin hands him the serum, a death sentence encased in its little coffin-shaped box.
Erwin Smith is nothing if not an intelligent man, the smartest man Levi has ever known. Surely, he knows what he’s asking of Levi.
He’s always thinking two steps ahead in the game of chess called War. Surely, he knows the ripples this decision will make.
But then again, Erwin Smith is also the most ruthless man Levi has ever known. Perhaps he knows the repercussions, but he does not understand the gravity of it. Or maybe he does, and he simply does not care.
What’s one more impossible ask on top of all the things he’s burdened Levi with? It’s nothing in comparison to the mountain of corpses laid to waste at his feet.
Levi takes the case wordlessly and tucks it close to his heart, an ode to the salute the Survey Corps holds dearly. Erwin continues speaking to the Corps, but Levi isn’t listening. Everything is muted, as if his head is underwater.
He is not resentful of Erwin’s decision, he realizes distantly. He had made his own decision to follow Erwin to the ends of the earth years ago, and he doesn’t regret the choice he’s made.
Maybe he should, but it’s too late for that now.
.
.
.
More than me?
Those are the three words at the tip of Levi’s tongue in the face of Erwin’s stubbornness, his foolish and unattainable goal. He twists his mouth into an ugly scowl until the words die in his throat.
All these years, Levi thought he knew Erwin better than anyone. He now sees that there has been another side to him all along, and Erwin Smith may quite possibly be the most selfish man Levi’s ever known.
Levi is all but begging Erwin not to go. For the sake of his legs, for the sake of humanity, he’s throwing everything at Erwin with whatever will resonate with him. Whatever will make him stay.
But none of it does. He has that same look in his eyes, the very same one from Levi’s first expedition outside the walls. This man is still looking up at something Levi cannot see.
If Levi were a weaker man, he might have gotten on his knees. He might have gripped at Erwin’s empty sleeve, and he might have said out loud what he’s bottled up inside.
I love you so much that I’m willing to let you go. Even though I would rather die than live without you. Even though it would mean ripping my heart out from my chest.
So, why can’t you stay for me?
But for better or for worse, Levi is not a weak man, so he just swallows it down and accepts fate as it comes.
The end is near. Levi can feel it in his bones, just as sure as he is that the sun will rise tomorrow.
But as always— he cannot trust the choices of his comrades nor his friends, but he will trust Erwin’s judgement.
.
.
.
Is this it?
Those are the three words circling Levi’s mind as Erwin sits down heavily on the wooden box.
Around them, shrapnels of the Beast’s onslaught blossoms the world around them into chaos. He sees the blood staining the air, hears the desparate cries of the recruits, but they all fall away as he watches Erwin.
He knew the end was near, but surely, not now. And surely, not like this.
Levi always thought that if he were lucky, he and Erwin would go out together in a blazing fire. Fate, of course, is not that kind. Somehow, he is forever cursed to watch the people he cares for perish before him. And no matter how hard he wishes it wasn’t so, it seems like Erwin will be one of them, too.
Left alone, once again.
And when Erwin mentions the basement at a moment like this, in what is likely their last conversation together, Levi’s world scrambles to a halt.
As Erwin continues to speak, it all begins to unravel. The man whose thoughts were always shrouded in mystery, finally becomes clear to Levi.
A childhood dream. Or rather, a childhood guilt. One he should have let go long ago, but he has not. It is then that Levi truly sees Erwin for what he is, for perhaps the first time ever.
He isn't humanity’s savior, nor is he the devil that sent hundreds of his soldiers to their graves.
No, he's just a man. A flawed man, who single-mindedly lived his entire life based on an idea, who made every painful decision to strive towards proving his and his father’s theory right.
Only in the darkest of nights, when the entire world was asleep, was Levi ever bold enough to wonder why Erwin never reciprocated.
Levi could see it in his brilliant, cerulean eyes all the time. He wanted Levi, that much he knew for certain. The fondness, reserved only for him, was always there. But at times when Levi knew Erwin thought he wouldn’t notice, he could see the way Erwin looked at him with desire, too.
Levi also knew he himself was obvious about his feelings. As prickly as he was, he wore his heart on his sleeve for those who knew what to look for.
He loved too deeply. It’s a softness from his mother that Kenny was never able to beat out of him.
Hange never let him hear the end of it, though they were always kind with their teasing. Erwin was cruel enough.
Now, he understands why. In Erwin’s mind, he probably thought there was no room for that in his life. Even worse, he probably thought he didn’t deserve any of the good that life had to offer.
In a way, just like Kenny said, Erwin was a slave to something too.
Erwin is right, Levi realizes. Yes, he is a self-deprecating man who, for all his brains, always put himself down. But he is a liar, the biggest con artist there ever was.
Levi’s not sure what he saw in Erwin all those years ago. He should probably be angry at Erwin for putting him and all the people he loved through hell, just for the sake of his own dream.
But it doesn’t change the fact he loves Erwin all the same.
When Erwin looks up at him desolately, with a plea in his tired eyes, Levi decides that he will carry Erwin’s burden for him. What’s one more thing on top of everything else he’s already done for Erwin?
Here, at the end of the road, he relieves Erwin of the burden that is his dream. Levi chooses for him, and he vows not to regret it.
Levi bows down to no one, but he gets down on one knee for Erwin. He’s not sure why he does it, yet it feels right.
He likens it to a loyal knight proffering his ultimate respect to his king. Or even a man proposing to his lover, but that is neither here nor there.
Maybe in another life.
.
.
.
I love you.
Those were the three words constantly caught in Levi’s throat whenever he was alone with Erwin, and could never say.
Even now, on this rooftop with nothing else to lose, with Erwin in between this world and the next, he still can’t find it in him to say it.
As if it would hurt him any less if he never spoke those words into existence. As if he’s not letting go of the only person he’s ever loved, and will ever love.
Levi lets his eyes fall carefully over every one of Erwn’s features as he lies there peacefully.
His golden blond hair, which always came loose from his pomade-laden head on those late nights in his office. Levi always wished to brush it back for him.
His strong eyebrows, which Levi made fun of him for making him look like an old man. Levi always wished to smooth out the worried grooves between them with his thumb when Erwin was asleep.
His finely arched nose, which Levi knew Erwin was secretly self-conscious about because he always brought up his knuckle to brush against his nose when meeting someone new. Levi had wanted to break it on multiple occasions in the past, but now all he wishes to do is let his fingers dance along its bridge.
His soft mouth, which Levi had stared at incessantly over the years. The corners of his mouth were often pulled tight in an unreadable expression, but Levi lived for the brief flashes of a smile that would grace his lips. Levi always wished to kiss them senseless.
He wishes he had more time.
Levi drinks it all in, burns it into his mind’s eye, knowing that this will be the last time he will ever see Erwin.
Is he being selfless or selfish by letting Erwin go?
The answer likely lies somewhere in between. Just like Levi and Erwin.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
In the end, he thinks he might have whispered it because he has decided to live with no regrets, but it is forever lost in the wind with no one to bear witness.