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It drips onto the floor in little streams. My skin is the earth and the blood rivers. The world is turning blurry I can hardly see through the pain and blood loss. Some sort of scream comes from the bathroom entrance as the world goes black.
Pain…
All that exists is pain.
I want to cry for it to stop, but I know I deserve it. It hurts so much, my eyes are caked shut with tears. I open them slowly anyway.
Blackness.
Black everywhere.
Why would you do this?
I look around wildly.
“Where are you!”
I don’t know, where are you?
“I--I don’t know.”
Then why worry where I am?
A figure from nothing, a flash of light. My eyes hurt. I want to rub at them but my body's too sluggish and by the time my hands have reached my face I don’t need to rub my eyes. He’s there in front of me, all beauty and perfection, I’d always known he was an angel.
“A-Andy Biersack?”
No… Well sort of.
“What?”
You’re dying.
“I know…” My voice cracks and I kind of wish it hadn’t. My biggest inspiration and hero is talking to me. “Dying was kind of the idea.”
Why? You’ve got so much.
“No I don’t, everyone hates me.”
So?
“They don’t want me, everyone wants me dead…”
Then fuck them, just because they want you dead doesn’t mean you should be.
“What if I want to be dead?”
You don’t.
It’s so simple. How can he say that? I do want to be dead. I hated everything about living, maybe death will be better, maybe it won’t. At least it’s worth a shot. I don’t want to live anymore.
Than why am I here?
“What?”
You heard me, if you want to die why am I here?
“How should I know?”
You’re the one who brought me here
Achingly familiar blue eyes pierce my soul with a sour glare. I can’t figure out what to say. How could I have brought Andy Biersack here, wherever here is.
We’re in the between. You won’t let go of life.
“I won’t?”
It’s surprising, I thought I wanted to leave.
Evidently you don’t want to leave.
“Than why am I here?”
You won’t go back.
How does that make sense? If I won’t leave then I have to go back. My mind scrambles to understand.
No you don’t. If a soul doesn’t leave or stay it comes here.
“What’s going to happen?”
If you don’t choose: your body will die and you’ll be stuck here forever. In limbo, going nowhere, but never being anywhere either.
“H-how do I choose?”
I don’t know.
“Th-then why are you here?”
I don’t know.
“What do I do?”
I don’t know.
Red, angry tears stream down my face. Hot flames flicking at my cheeks. It’s horrifying I can’t do this, I can’t stand it. I hate Andy, I wish he’d let me die in peace.
“Do you know anything!”
The words echo back at me like strikes to my body. I convulse into a ball and he stares at me coldly.
I know many things.
“Then tell me what to do.” The words are wrenched from my body before I even know what I want to say.
I can’t do that.
Only you can decide what to do.
“Who-who’s that?” I’m scared again, the voice is familiar but I can’t handle this. I just wanted everything to end, not this.
You know who I am.
I shake my head desperately and a second figure appears.
“G-Gerard Way.”
The one and only.
He bows to me mockingly with a smirk.
“Wh-why are you here?”
Same reason as him
Gerard gestures at Andy and the two stare at me together.
YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE
They speak together and my body quivers with some sort of emotion. Blue and hazel eyes bore into my soul as I shake before them. Too... something, to do, or say, or think anything. I wish that this would all just stop.
Choose to stay.
Andy gently grabs my hand and everything changes. The faces of every person I’ve ever cared about flashes in front of me, they’re all smiling and laughing. I want to touch them, to hug them, I want this to stop. The faces do stop.
There’s only one face now. It’s him.
I put my hands over my eyes, I can’t look, I won’t look. Strong and sure hands pull mine down. I have to look.
He’s looking down on me, and I just want him to go away.
“You’re a failure.”
His voice booms out and pierces through my entire being, to the core. It repeats over and over on loop and he laughs derisively. My cheeks are wet and still he laughs. I’m a little kid all over again and he’s standing over me, laughing.
Why won’t the laughter stop? Everything burns. He’s just finished hurting me again. Mom’s whimpering in the corner, she just watched. She only ever watches, she never does anything.
It all disappears.
A sigh disappears into the darkness, but everything changes again. My breath hitches and I don’t know what to do. There’s a new face. It’s another glaring man. This one’s younger, he’s from school.
“You’re pathetic.”
The words bite into my flesh and won’t let go as a group of faceless people laugh. The words and the laughter, they won’t stop. They spin around me and keep hitting me. My entire being burns with shame and suddenly the cuts and bruises everywhere don’t hurt as much. This is so much worse.
They just keep laughing and laughing. My sister is watching from the corner this time. There’s nothing she can do, just watch. That’s all anyone ever does, they watch and do nothing.
I hate them. I hate them so much, why don’t they ever do anything. My entire world is red and I hate everything so much I could shatter.
That’s life.
The words are so cold and simple as Andy lets go of my hand. I really want to die.
Choose to leave.
Gerard hugs me to him. I can smell coffee and cigarettes as he holds me. When I open my eyes though I’m alone and the faces are flying by me again. They all look so sad, almost broken. Even the happiest people I’ve ever known are crying.
One face stands out.
“Mom.”
I breathe out and she’s just hugging herself. Tears are spilling down her face and she’s shaking so much. She won’t stop crying and shaking. I run to her and hug her as tightly as I can, but she doesn’t notice. She won’t notice me. It’s just tears and shaking.
“Mom! What’s wrong, Mom? Why are you crying.”
I’m crying too now and I keep shaking her. She won’t notice me, why won’t she notice me?
You’re dead
“What?”
You chose to die and now your mom’s paying the price.
“No.”
He appears now and he starts screaming at her. She just keeps crying and he yells more and more. He’s hitting her. He won’t stop hitting her and she won’t stop crying.
They disappear, Mom’s crying echoing back at me until it’s complete silence.
I just want this to stop. I want it all to stop. It’s the bathroom. My body is lying right in front of me. Why isn’t it breathing? I thought I hadn’t left yet. I get closer and it’s not my body, why isn’t it my body? It’s my sister’s, she’s dead. She can’t be gone. Her body won’t move though, no matter how much I try to make it.
A paper slips from her fingers. Shaking hands pick it up and the words jump at me.
If she can leave I can too.
That’s it, that’s all the paper says. It won’t say anything else and the blood pooled around my beautiful sister is drying. It’s black now. This can’t be, my sister can’t be dead.
She can’t be dead.
She isn’t yet
Gerard’s there again and his arms slowly release me from seeing her body.
But if you leave she will be
“No, please.”
The sob comes unbidden and my body is wracked with a pain like nothing else. It hurts so much and it’s my fault it hurts. I don’t want it to hurt.
If you stay they’ll hurt you.
If you leave you’ll hurt them.
If you stay they won’t try to help.
If you leave they’ll disappear.
I stare at my two greatest heroes terrified. The moment is now, I can’t take this choice back.
CHOOSE
I choose...