Chapter Text
December 2015. Cameron knew Devon had arrived without needing to see the bear’s Jeep. Hardly anyone plays the coyote’s music, and even fewer enjoy it as much as his boyfriend. However, Cameron’s buttery tenor and guitar strumming were cut short, followed by a high-pitched honk.
Why is he an hour early?! I just got into the shower! I’m not meeting his parents smelling like rotten cheese, thought the coyote as he shook the nearly empty shampoo bottle. A few centiliters of the white substance landed in his paw, but he shook so wildly that most of it washed down the drain. That’s not nearly enough to scrub my entire body, thought Cameron as he placed the empty bottle on the shower’s shelf.
Several more honks tormented his ears, causing them to flatten as he cringed. He slapped his hands together and rubbed them. He then ran his paws up and down his body. The horn’s blare continued with hardly a pause between honks. What’s he trying to do, impress me with Morse code?! The coyote sniffed his coat. It still smells like shit, if shit could sweat from an hour-long cardio session. I won’t allow this to be his parents’ first impression of me! Hell to the no!
Cameron turned off the frigid water and grabbed a pale yellow towel. Once he finished drying himself, he snatched a pair of underwear, a white t-shirt with a green pine tree image on the front, a green plaid flannel shirt, and blue jeans. He’s going to have a neighbor chewing his ass if he doesn’t shut the fuck up with that horn! Cameron slipped on his socks and shoes, then flung open the bathroom cabinet. He grabbed some body spray and applied so much that it dampened his clothes. “I’m coming! I’m coming!” he yelled as he approached the front door. “Patience is a virtue, you know!”
Devon hopped out of his Jeep and strolled over to meet his boyfriend. He had a goofy grin as he walked with his arms spread wide. “There you are! What took you so long, babe?”
“What took me so long?! I was in the shower! Why are you an hour early? Hoped you could join me?” Cameron teased. He hoped a playful jab would lighten his mood, but it had no discernible effect.
“Ha, ha, ha!” Devon wrapped his arms around Cameron and kissed the side of his head. “No, I took my shower before leaving. However, I saw on the weather forecast there is going to be a blizzard, so I figured we should head to my parents an hour early, that way, we don’t get caught up in it. We’ll also have to leave a little earlier than planned. Did you not get my text?”
“My phone’s at a repair shop getting worked on,” explained the coyote.
“Oh? Why is that?”
“It picked up some malware while I was trying to download a pirated movie!” Cameron buried his cringing face into his elbow. “I’m such an idiot! I guess I deserved it, didn’t I?”
“Don’t worry about it, babe! No one has to know about this but us. It will be our embarrassing little secret.”
“Great!” said the coyote. “Well, let’s get this long-ass ride over with, shall we?”
“Slow down, honey! You got to close and lock your front door.”
Cameron looked over his shoulder. “Thanks,” he said.
“And Cameron, happy birthday, babe,” said Devon.
Before the coyote responded, a snide laugh from across the street caught their attention. An old porcupine hunched over, jeering as he stood beside his mailbox. “Babe? Really?! What are you two, a pair of f*gs?!”
That last word stung the coyote’s ears like a bullwhip. He didn’t look over his shoulder as he approached the door, less the porcupine see how flustered he was.
“Well, F*G stands for Friendly, Attractive Genius, which you are not!” Devon responded. His words escaped him so fast they seemed to mesh into one.
“Oh, yes, I am!” blurted out the porcupine without thinking. Once reality kicked in, he covered his mouth as he blushed. “Oh, shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!”
“Good to know you’re one of us,” said the bear as he hopped into the driver’s seat. Vibrant laughter resonated within his voice as he spoke. Even Cameron let out a hardy chuckle as he locked the door. The coyote placed his hands on his knees as he hunched over.
“Fuck both of you queers!” snapped the old porcupine.
“Based on what you just told us, you probably would,” said Cameron as he hopped into the passenger’s seat.
The Devon pulled out of his boyfriend’s driveway and stuck his middle finger at the porcupine, who did the same.
“Ha, ha, ha! Where did you learn that?” asked Cameron.
“Have you ever seen the movie World Police by Matt Stonefish and Tray Barker?” asked the bear.
“No.”
“Oh, it’s hilarious as well as unique! It’s one of the few movies released in theaters where the characters are marionettes. Anyway, it’s about this spy agency that is devoted to fighting terrorism across the world. However, in their pursuit of making the world safer, they end up causing a lot of collateral damage. This causes the liberal movie stars to unite against them by forming the Film Actors Guild. When you abbreviate Film Actors Guild, you get… that word! Anyway, the audiences are first introduced to this movement through the news. They showed puppets of real-life celebrities with their names at the bottom of the screen and the abbreviation beside them. I didn’t think it was possible to make me laugh at that word, but Matt and Tray pulled it off!”
“How did the actors react to how they were portrayed?” asked Cameron.
“Some of them are reported fans of the movie, others took it too seriously, and some have never spoken on the matter.
“Anyway, after seeing that, I thought to myself, what if I came up with my own abbreviation using those letters, that way, I’d have something witty to defend myself with. So I came up with Friendly Attractive Genius. If they call you a f*gg*t, you tell them it stands for Friendly, Attractive, Generous, Genius, Optimistic, Thinker.”
“Dude, I’m going to use that from now on when I deal with homophobes! Thanks, babe,” said Cameron. “Actually, that reminds me of a question I wanted to ask you. Your parents are fully aware of our relationship status, right? They don’t hold any prejudice of their own, right?”
“Oh, no, not at all! They’re supportive people,” Devon reassured him. “You don’t have to worry about that.”
Cameron looked into the rearview mirror, and what he saw made his stomach queasy. In the back seat sat the Raincoat Monster, snickering at him with its yellow, dagger-like teeth. Its black, hairy body was hunched over, so its head didn’t pump the car’s ceiling. Its chin rested on its interlocked claws. The coyote dared not take his eyes off it. He barely heard what his boyfriend was telling him.
“I was planning to keep it secret from them my entire life. Even when I started dating you, I figured there was no need for my parents to know about it. I’d just invite you to my place, but my parents didn’t need to visit when you did.” Devon let out a heavy sigh. He needed to be honest with his boyfriend, but what he was about to say might come off as hurtful. “I’m sorry, Cameron, but for the first few weeks, I was ashamed of you and myself for being ashamed of you. I was very scared and insecure. Funny how a guy as big as me could be so easily intimidated, isn’t it? I’m feeling nervous just talking about it! Ha, ha, ha!”
Devon paused to give Cameron time to respond, but the coyote remained completely emotionless. The grizzly bear sighed.
“I wanted my parents to love me for who I am, just like you do. However, that could only happen if I came out to them. Besides, how could I ever find the courage to hunt ghosts if I was too scared to be honest with my parents?! I guess I was so scared because their support meant almost as much to me as you do. So, I hope you understand why I was so hesitant to tell them about you. Anyway, I told my friends at the paranormal club about my concerns. I knew they’d support me because there’s a lesbian couple in the group. I spent an hour talking with this couple about coming out, and they said they’d be there for me no matter what. It wasn’t just them, though. All the club members reaffirmed their support. It was reassuring knowing I had friends that had my back. Knowing that, I worked up the confidence to text Mom and Dad a photo of the two of us with three words beneath it: That’s my boyfriend.”
Cameron had now gone a whole minute without blinking. His eyes were glued to the reflection. Please go away, he thought. I just want to have a pleasant visit with Devon’s parents. I don’t need any hallucinations fucking with me!
“My parents called ten minutes later and bombarded me with so many questions that my head ached. However, they made a genuine effort to be understanding, which gave me a spark of hope. It got a lot easier when I got them to slow down so I could talk with them at a comfortable pace. When they reassured me they accepted me for who I am, I wanted to cry tears of joy. I had heard many horror stories of folks coming out to their parents. I’m lucky to have them and even luckier to have you. Why don’t you tell me about your first coming out? I’d like to hear it. Hey! Maybe that would be a great concept for a song. I’d love to hear you express such a significant moment through your artistic gift. What do you think, Cameron? Cameron? Babe?” Devon now noticed that the coyote wasn’t paying attention. “Hellooooo! Earth to Cameron? CAMERON!!!”
“What?!” gasped the coyote as he snapped his head around to face the bear.
“Are you paying attention?” asked Devon.
Cameron glanced at the mirror again. The Raincoat Monster was gone. Devon glanced into the mirror, too, then over his shoulder, and then at his boyfriend. “What?!”
“Um… Nothing.”
“Not nothing! I just opened up to you about a very significant moment in my life, and you were distracted by something else,” said Devon as he turned his eyes back onto the road.
“You did?! I’m sorry, I was being a dumbass again. Why don’t you tell me….”
“Oh…My…GOD!!! Did you have another vision?!” asked the bear. Excitement radiated from his face.
“No!”
“You were, weren’t you?!” He sounded like a kid that met Santa Clause. “Well, what did you see?!”
“Nothing. I don’t have visions. I’m schizophrenic,” said the coyote.
“You don’t know that! You even admitted that you were never diagnosed,” said Devon. “I’ve talked to my friends from the paranormal club, and they say what you’ve described to me seems to line up with the experiences of other psychics.”
“First of all, I would appreciate it if you didn’t use the word ‘other’ when referring to psychics. Second of all, I’m sure these people your friends are referring to are snake oil salesmen. They might describe their experiences as similar to schizophrenia to exploit people with a real medical condition.”
“Maybe a few of them do that, but to say all of them are con artists is a general assumption fallacy,” said Devon.
“It’s beyond sickening and tasteless!” said Cameron. “It’s evil!”
“Indeed it is. However, I’m certain Madame Le Fay is legit! Even the police rely on her to help solve certain cases.”
“I don’t know who that is,” Cameron confessed.
“You will. Look, Cameron, I do consider the possibility that you have schizophrenia, but if you are--”
“I am!” the coyote insisted.
“Neither of us truly knows that! We need to explore whatever this mysterious phenomenon--”
“No!” said Cameron.
“You can meet my friends at the paranormal club. They’re very educated in this stuff,” Devon assured him.
“Why not start with a psychiatrist?” asked the coyote.
The bear dreaded that they might discredit his hypotheses, but if his boyfriend was truly schizophrenic, he needed to know that for Cameron’s sake. However, the thought of being discredited weighed on his mind. It was too soul-crushing to feel so close to finding his answer only to have it shot down. “Um… a psychiatrist. I don’t know if I can afford that right now,” he said. That wasn’t a lie. “Can you?”
“I’m afraid not,” said Cameron. That answer allowed Devon to relax.
“Okay, my friends won’t charge you a penny for you to sit down and talk with them about your experiences. They’re nice people! Real nice.”
“I’m sure they are, but I need professional help! Please, stop pressuring me into meeting them! I’m getting sick of it!”
“Sorry,” said Devon.
“Can we change the subject?” asked the coyote.
“I think it’s important that we work out what to do about this. Leaving a problem unresolved only results in it returning to bite you in the ass. This issue places a lot of pressure on you, so I think we best knock it out of the ballpark immediately.” Devon grabbed his phone and checked to make sure he had bars. “I’m going to call my friend, Patty. She seems to know the most about the third eye. She’s going to ask you some questions--”
Cameron turned on the music and raised the volume.
“Cameron!” snapped Devon as he shut off the music. “She’s just going to ask you a few questions about your visions.”
“Hallucinations! I’m not answering anyone’s questions, and you should know better than to share medical information without my consent!” Cameron’s claws dug into his jeans, his nostrils flared, and his ears flattened. “Let’s listen to some music!” he said as he started another song.
“Cameron, you can’t go on ignoring this!” said Devon.
“I don’t want to hear another word about this, okay?! I’m sick of these conversations! I don’t have psychic powers! Please, please, please, please stop trying to convince your friends and me that I do!”
“I”m sorry, but this is an important conversation to have. Now turn that music off! This is my Jeep.”
“Devon!” said Cameron. His body vibrated a little. “I don’t want to talk about something so stressful on my birthday. Let’s focus on having a good time, okay?”
The bear paused. “Okay, babe. Let’s take a break from all that heavy shit. It is your birthday, after all.”
“Thank you!” said Cameron. He turned the volume up and began to sing along. That lifted Devon’s spirit but not enough to get him to join in.
The bear genuinely hated how the coyote avoided these conversations. Why is he so opposed to discovering his own psychic abilities?! Devon thought. Anyone would be excited to have such a unique gift! I know he’s always had a hard time finding his confidence, but when he does, there’s no stopping him! If he is mentally ill, I need to know that too. Either way, we need to get to the bottom of this! Some other time. The discussion was about to take a turn for the ugly, so maybe we should have it later. Much, much, much later. Maybe next month. Oh, shit! Devon thought. It’s going to start up again once we reach my parents. Fuck! This is going to be an awful birthday party! The bear looked outside the car’s window so Cameron wouldn’t notice how nervous he was.