Chapter Text
It was the first time Kakashi agreed to go out drinking with them. Gai had been very insistent, saying things like "it would do you some good to have fun for once" and "when's the last time you let loose ? we are in our prime Youth, rival !". The last part was true - they were all in their early twenties and he knew that life went by incredibly fast at some point, what with all the missions and going up ranks. But he wasn't sure 'having fun' in a public space would really do him any good. He was always alert, ready to be attacked or to fight, he was always feeling imminent threat. The only places he could loosen up were at his apartment and with Gai, whenever they hung out or wherever they were training together, even during Gai's stupid challenges. They was truly the only times where Kakashi felt himself relax a bit.
The only reason he went was because Gai swore up and down that whenever Kakashi felt was time to go, he would leave with him. No questions asked, no judgement.
So, that's how he found himself sitting at a table, in a crowded bar, with Gai, Iruka, Asuma and Genma. They were all chatting happily with each other, giving space to Kakashi, not forcefully trying to get him into a conversation and, really, it was all for the best because Kakashi could not focus on his comrades.
They've all been there for around half an hour and Kakashi was already three drinks in. His eyes went from faces to faces, his body stiff as a plank, his mouth dry no matter how much he drank, he was spying every single person that were in the bar around them. Searching for clues, hints of anger, sneakiness, looking for anything, really. But all he saw were happy faces, relaxed faces, people embracing each other, people kissing, people clearly too comfortable touching each other, quite intimately. Kakashi rolled his eyes and snorted.
He couldn't fathom how people could be so intimate with someone. Just the thought of someone touching him made him shiver. He couldn't fathom people needed that. Needed each other. Kakashi always felt better alone. (or did he feel better with Gai's presence?) Kakashi immediately suppressed that thought, shaking his head a little. He didn't understand how people could be so weak.
To be with someone else meant putting your guards down. Kakashi would rather die than do something so stupid. Letting your guards down unequivocally meant opening yourself up to be hurt, getting sneaked on by someone you wouldn't expect. Just thinking about it, Kakashi felt panic starting to creep up in every fiber of his being. He felt a little bit light-headed.
He had issues.
He finished his third drink in one big gulp. He leaned a little closer to Gai, talked in his ear.
"I'm going up to the bar to get another one, want anything ?"
Gai turned to him and shook his head left and right, barely audibly thanking him. Kakashi stood up and made his way to the bar, flashing down a bartender to take his order. He leaned on the counter, ordered and waited for his drink. All of the sudden, all his senses were tingling, he stopped moving, breathing, felt unsafe, threatened. In a matter of a few second, a guy's body was inches away from him, his arm and hand touched Kakashi, his face too close to his.
It was a reflex. Kakashi already got out his kunai in his right hand, pinned the other man hard against the counter with his left and put the blade against his throat. The other man put his hands high up in the air, the people around them quickly shuffled away. Kakashi was tightening his grip, breathing hard, his mind going black, his sight going red. He heard a voice behind him.
"Kakashi. Kakashi. Rival, it's time to go."
Kakashi barely registered what his best friend said but he let go of the stranger. He pocketed his kunai and walked to the entrance, went through the doors only to be met by silence and the wind. Kakashi sensed Gai right next to him. Kakashi went farther on the sidewalk, his hands balled into fists, he was breathing hard, trying to calm himself down, to turn off the alarms he felt everywhere in his body.
"Come on, let's go home."
Kakashi nodded and started walking towards Gai's apartment, not really looking at anything on the way there, only followed Gai, completely in a fog. Once they got inside, Kakashi let out a deep breath and started to finally relax a little bit. He looked at Gai, finding the other man staring right back at him. Kakashi could read the worry in his face, but it didn't stay there for very long before Gai gave him one of his biggest smile.
"Let's have fun right here at home, what do you say rival ?"
Kakashi felt himself smile a little as he watched Gai go towards his cupboard, taking out two glasses and then went to the fridge, taking out a bottle of sake. They both went to the couch and sat down, Gai put the glasses on the small table, filled them up and gave one of them to Kakashi. They sat down drinking in silence for a while, it was comfortable even though Gai usually couldn't stop talking for a minute, it wasn't an awkward silence. Gai always behaved like this whenever Kakashi had an 'episode'. He gave Kakashi space while still being present and Kakashi always felt really grateful for him every time it happened.
By the time Gai started being his usual, bubbly self, they both had gone through two full glasses of sake and were well into their third. Kakashi started to feel the effect of the alcohol he consumed both there and at the bar. He couldn't really concentrate on what Gai was saying, he just found himself staring at his best friend, his mind all over the place. He knew Gai must have been wondering what happened back at the bar, he also knew Gai would never ask him. Usually, Kakashi would never tell, either. So it took them both by surprise when Kakashi cut Gai right in the middle of a sentence.
"I'm sorry. About what happened."
Gai's eyes went round. Kakashi tried to stop his mouth from speaking but it was like it had a mind of its own.
"I don't know what happened. He was so close. Too damn close. And he was touching me. And it was fight or die in my head. I'm sorry I ruined your night out."
Gai's eyes were squinting at Kakashi, scrutinizing his rival's face a few second before he started to speak softly.
"You didn't ruin anything Kakashi. You don't have to apologize. It's alright."
"No it's not. This is why I don't go out. I don't understand why complete strangers think it's okay to be right up in your face and to touch you."
"Because it's normal."
Kakashi's heart sank a little when he heard Gai's words. He felt like he was choking on air. Gai saw it in his face.
"That's not what I meant, Kakashi."
Kakashi finished his glass, poured himself another, took another big gulp and sighed.
"I know I'm not normal. I don't care. I just don't get it."
Gai took a deep breath, closed his eyes, his right hand balled in a fist he threw in the air.
"You know, rival, when people are in their Youth, they like to touch, they like to be touched. they want attention. They crave both, in fact. It makes them feel alive, satisfied, wanted, loved. All the most important things you need during your Youth."
Kakashi laughed, he couldn't take the guy seriously between the pose and what he was saying. Gai opened his eyes and frowned, his fist going back down on his thigh. Kakashi spoke in between laughs.
"I certainly never felt the need. Do you ?"
Kakashi has never seen Gai with anyone intimately. Hell, he didn't even know if his best friend was interested in either sex romantically or sexually or not at all. That was not something they ever spoke about. Gai was aware of Kakashi's aversion to people but Kakashi never knew what the deal was with Gai. He thought about it a few times over the years but he would never ask Gai, it would just be weird. This is the closest they've ever been of talking about that subject. Kakashi was actually really curious about Gai's answer, so he waited patiently while Gai was obviously thinking about it.
"I do, sometimes. It's only human. But one does not let himself be distracted from his training ! So whenever I feel the urge, I train hard."
Kakashi wished Gai would continue, but he didn't. That answer didn't really surprise him all that much - Gai was always training. Always. They spent a couple of minutes in silence, not quite looking at each other. Gai finished his drink and put his glass on the small table. He slouched back into the couch and closed his eyes. He spoke quietly.
"Sometimes, when I do, I come to you and challenge you."
That answer surprised Kakashi. He let himself think about it. Most of the time, Gai's challenges were physical, so it would make sense. There was no imminent threat when they spared, it was just the both of them, they were comfortable around and with each other. But it came as a revelation to him, he didn't mind the physical touch of a fight, he's never really thought about it either. The only person he's ever trained with was Gai, he usually trained by himself. He's never given it a thought as to why the physical contact he had with Gai during a training felt okay and safe.
Gai stopped Kakashi's train of thought when he got up from the couch.
"I'm going to bed, I'm exhausted. Per usual, take the couch and close the lights off whenever you're ready to go to sleep. Goodnight, rival."
Gai went to his bedroom. Kakashi could see inside, Gai never closed the door and it was right next to the TV. Kakashi found himself doing something he never did before, he watched Gai as he stumbled on his bed, he removed his socks and then got up again, removed his jumpsuit, closed the light and got in the bed. It felt weird for Kakashi to watch it. His mind kept spiraling and spiraling and he got up, not knowing what was happening with his body, he walked quietly to Gai's bedroom, his feet stopping, not quite entering the bedroom. He watched Gai, laid there on his back, his upper body out of the blanket, his lower body covered. He watched as Gai's chest went up and down with each breath he took.
Kakashi went back to the living room, closed the lights and went back to Gai's bedroom, this time he went inside. He walked up to Gai's bed and watched some more. Gai looked so peaceful, so warm and relaxed. He had the urge to reach out to his best friend. To touch him. Kakashi didn't know what got to him, was it the alcohol ? Was it the talk they just had ? Was it Gai revealing he went to him to satiate his need to be touched, to be close to someone ?
He was confused.
He wanted to try. He wanted to be close to his best friend, close in a way he never let anyone else be. He wanted to know what it would feel like.
Kakashi shook Gai's arm, waking him up. Gai's eyes searched in the dark until he met Kakashi's. Kakashi spoke barely above a whisper, scared that if he spoke louder, the ground would open up and swallow him whole.
"Would it be okay if I slept with you ?"
Kakashi felt the heat all over his body, he broke their eye contact and looked straight down on the floor, embarrassed. He was ready for Gai to tell him no.
"Is something wrong with the couch, Kakashi ?"
"No, I," he swallowed hard before continuing, "I just wanted to be with you."
Kakashi was met with silence. He couldn't muster the courage to look up at him. He was waiting for an answer, it didn't come. Instead, he heard shuffling in the bed. He looked up and found that Gai had made space for him in the bed and he opened the blankets for Kakashi to climb through. Kakashi removed his shirt and then his pants, keeping only his boxers on while Gai was staring at him. As soon as he was undressed Kakashi stopped and didn't move. He's never felt so unsure in his life.
"Are you sure you want to ?"
Gai asked him so softly, so tenderly. Kakashi couldn't trust his voice so he just nodded. He took a deep breath and got in the bed. He turned his back to Gai and put the blanket on himself. He's never felt more exposed. Gai was on the other side of the bed, very careful not to touch his rival. Kakashi could feel his own body shaking with anxiety and anticipation. He asked in a tiny voice, barely audible.
"Can you come closer ?"
Gai did. He sled closer towards Kakashi, not quite touching him yet. He tentatively put his hand on Kakashi's waist. Kakashi shivered under his touch. It was the first time in a decade that someone touched him casually, the first time that Kakashi didn't feel the unbearable burn under it and the absolute panic. This was new. Kakashi had trouble breathing but it was exhilarating in a sense. He wanted more. (needed more) Gai's hand wasn't enough. Kakashi scooted until his back was against his best friend's. Gai removed his hand that was on his waist and placed his arm there instead, his hand went on Kakashi's stomach.
Neither of them were breathing normally, Kakashi felt like he was drowning. He felt a lot, everywhere. His skin was tingling anywhere Gai's skin was resting against his. His head started to spin. Gai tugged Kakashi closer to him and Kakashi slowly put his arm against Gai's, resting his hand on Gai's. He closed his eyes and tried to breathe deeper and deeper with his mouth, his nose didn't seem to be able to function. He could feel Gai's breath on his neck and he knew Gai had the same problem as him. They stayed like that, completely stoic, for what felt like forever but was probably a few minutes, until Kakashi felt Gai's nose and lips on his neck, rubbing very slowly, not quite kissing, smelling him.
Kakashi felt himself smelting in his best friends arms. He's never felt more safe, more warm, more relaxed, more at peace in his entire life.
In this moment, he finally understood why people could crave this feeling.
He was asleep quicker than ever before.
******
When Kakashi woke up, he hadn't felt this well rested in forever. He had a headache but nothing too bad, surprisingly. His mouth and throat were so dry. When he opened his eyes, he was in shock - he saw a man's chest. He realized he was laying on a man's chest, his hand flat on it, he felt a hand on his head and another one on his waist, his feet were tangled with another pair of feet.
He remembered. Everything.
He felt sudden panic. His chest tightened painfully. He couldn't breathe, he forgot how to. His vision went white and he felt like his entire body was burning, pins and needles everywhere. When he regained control over his body, in an automatic way, he moved out of Gai's embrace ever so slowly, got up, took his clothes quietly and walked out the front door.