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It was not an equation meant to be solved, a problem with a perfect resolution, something with specific instructions, nor was it a party every person was invited to. People could live in a bubble that could not be punctured by even the sharpest of tools. A tea party could lay the finest of treats in front of guests and one lonely boy would stand with an empty stomach but lips sewn shut. None of these delicacies were meant for him - that was not and could never be a choice.
Night Raven College was filled with boys who were rather snobby from time to time; everyone lived inside their own little bubble. So.. why would anyone know one Octavinelle student was suffering? They wouldn't really. Aside from the fact he hid it so well, the other students at the school would not step outside their own worlds to help heal another's heart. Even the one man on campus who claimed to solve other's issues did it through means of deception. All for a price, was it?
Jade would pay anything to feel different than he did right now.
That was foolish, right? Jade Leech should know better than to beg for a different life. There was no point in bothering his dear friend, Azul Ashengrotto, for such a lowly deal. Yes, Jade swore he would never make a deal with Azul out of fear of what Azul would take from him, but in this circumstance he did not seem to care much. Unfortunately, the change he wanted was not something Azul could change either; furthermore, Azul was happy right now. Wouldn't he be a terrible Vice Housewarden to pester him?
"Jade!"
The chipper call of his name pulled him from his thoughts as Jade felt his twin sit down by his left side. Placing his mask back on, he offered Floyd a very gentle smile in greeting. Floyd could usually see right through Jade's facade, but Floyd had seemed so distracted. It was spring... it was time for love to bloom. Floyd had found himself a lover, so Jade didn't get to see him as often these days. He would have to cherish this while it lasted. "How are you today, dear brother?"
"Heyyy, I was about to ask ya question."
"Please, propose your inquiry."
No matter what Floyd may ask of him, Jade would be happy to help; at least, that was how things went over most of the time. Floyd would have wacky ideas or a need to feed his own eccentricity. Jade could not ask for a better twin brother, and he was ever so grateful for him. He had family.. that's more than what some had, and he wished that was enough.
"Can ya cover my shift?"
"Tonight?"
"Yeah! I got an impromptu date. I know ya said you needed to tend to your mushrooms and all, but Azul said it's chill if you're late! He has to leave halfway through his shift anyways and we need someone reliable there."
"Azul has to leave?"
"Yeah, he told us that a week ago. What'd ya do? Stick your head in a conch shell?"
Well, at times it had certainly felt that way. He could not hear sweet whispers since they were not meant for him, and he would never hear someone else's heart beat for him. Jade was who he was, and there was nothing wrong with that; he just could not help but wonder what it would be like to have a romantic companion on his side. Was that so wrong? He wanted to know what Azul and Floyd's realities were like...
"Maybe." Jade played along with his twin for a moment before he heard Floyd's partner call for him. As the eel looked up like the lovesick teenager he was, Jade found himself wondering what it was like to look at someone that way. "Go ahead. Enjoy lunch with your partner, and then your date tonight. I will care for the Mostro Lounge after tending to what it is I need from the greenhouse."
"Thanks, J! You're the best!"
"Of course, dear brother."
Floyd would do the same for him if it came down to it, right? In a world were Jade wasn't aromantic and he had a date, Floyd might cover his shift for him. Jade was certain of that? They had always been able to rely on another for things. Maybe Jade should have considered doing that with his feelings, but as he considered opening up to Floyd, the other ran off to go eat lunch with his partner. Right... Well, perhaps another time. Jade shared a room with Floyd, so there was always other times to catch up.
As the day progressed, Jade kept to himself just as every other student at this school did. Maybe he was adding to the issue of toxic individualism at Night Raven College, but he didn't have it in his heart to care at this moment. Truthfully, he felt he had nothing in his heart at all. Did every aromantic feel as if their chest was hollow? Jade pondered if any other aromantic felt the same way as him, but he had not met any other NRC student that shared the same orientation as him. Perhaps he would feel a bit less lonely and isolated if he did.
Classes were a drag, and Jade only found minute peace in caring for his fungi in the school's greenhouse. Normally, this would clear Jade's head, but his thoughts were racing. Floyd was ditching his shift for an impromptu date? Would the Mostro Lounge be understaffed? Jade wondered if it was pathetic the only thing he had to look forward to were different kinds of work; it kept him busy. No. Truthfully? It kept him out of his head. He couldn't think about what he was missing if he was knee deep in work.
"At least, I'll always have you." Jade said softly to this mushrooms. It would be rude not to speak something he was taking care of, no? Jade wanted to benevolent, and he was considerate of others. Sure, the moray eel could pull a lot of schemes over on people, but that did not mean he was heartless.
Why did he feel so heartless? So hollow?
After tending to his garden, Jade went back to the Mostro Lounge to serve as a temporary manager, a host, and a server. As Vice Housewarden, he had a duty to keep the dorm afloat when Azul was absent. He had been through this before certainly. Still, it felt weird to sit in Azul's spot in the VIP room. It felt odd to be without Azul and Floyd. He understood a romantic relationship was important, but didn't he matter too? Floyd and Azul were his world, and he wondered if either of them could ever think of him in the same sentiment. He was discarded, thrown aside, and looked over. He was Vice Housewarden of Octavinelle, Azul's assistant, Floyd's twin brother, and NRC's school treasurer. When did he get to just be Jade? When would someone see him for who he was? All of these questions would be left unanswered as more thorns wrapped around Jade's heart. It felt as if he was growing a curse inside of him; this was something he couldn't run from.
As the night went on, Jade tended to many tables and tried to help those who made mistakes while in the kitchen. He pondered upon all the customers who were in the Mostro Lounge that night. Love simply must be in the air as spring has sprung - or whatever the land dweller saying was. This was not an easy escape. Even while he was working, the issue was right in front of him. How could this be happening to him? He wished he had stuck his head in a conch shell at this rate. People would flirt, hold hands, go on dates, order for one another. Honestly, Jade found it somewhat gross, but at the same time he wondered what it could be like to have someone to know him too well. It seemed he was the only one who know himself now.. an eternity alone. Some would argue there were worse things, but Jade couldn't be alone.
A want for control drove many people mad. It drove many to overblot at Night Raven, but Jade knew that was not in store for him. He could watch everyone be giddy with love and feel his veins grow hollow as his heart refused to continue pumping. He knew he couldn't change who he was, but couldn't he find some sort of relief? There had to be something within his wheelhouse were he could control this burn, this itch, this agonizing feeling that ran through him. Life was so much pain, and he just did not want to endure it anymore. Everything felt so incredibly self-inflicted, but also out of his hands and he just wanted to make sense of the matter.
Suddenly, everything was red. The night was over and Jade was staring at his forearm that had a bright line of red against it. Blood... "What am I doing?" Jade whispered to himself as tears went down his face. All alone with no one to hold him, no one to care, no one to notice. He could cut deeper than the world had ever dared to cut him. He was stuck the way he was, and he didn't want to be him anymore! He was sick of all the labels: assistant, vice Housewarden, brother, twin, student, and aromantic. Aromantic.. there was nothing wrong with being aromantic, but he just wanted one moment to breathe before his own identity began to suffocate him. It meant being alone forever. Platonic crushes were a thing, but who would *ever* hold him so dear when they could have romance? Jade couldn't offer people what they wanted. He was completely, and utterly, useless.
A whirlpool, maybe even a vortex, had opened inside of him; it craved to feel something - anything at all! It didn't matter if it was negative because it would at least cause his heart to sway one way or another. Even if Jade were to fall in love, who's to say it would go well? Who's to say whether or not Jade's brain could hold onto it? No, it was impossible. Jade could live with the burning against his skin. He would hack away at his own flesh because this pain wouldn't leave him. This was constant... at least it was present. It could see him for the worthless piece of life he was.
Well then.. there was no point in hanging on, was there? Maroon rivers caked his bedroom floor he shared with Floyd - his twin readily leaving his mind was he was sure Floyd often forgot about him. Floyd was better off with a twin weighing him down, right? He was inferior to Floyd in every way. Floyd was higher above him in many ways, and he was too far below to even reach his hand up to his twin to plead for a chance to be worth something. He wanted to learn... to know what it was like to stand in the sun, feel warmth, and be worthy. Yes.. Floyd would be better off without him. All of these words could go left unsaid since they would fall upon deaf ears. Who wanted to hear from the helpless? Jade didn’t need to burden his twin any further.
This entire spiral was so exhausting, and as Jade made peace with the Jackson Pollock he had painted his room with - using his blood as paint - he found himself laying down. He missed his bed, but he didn't deserve to let his mattress to cradle him and lull him into a peace. He would allow the ground to claw at him as breath escaped his lips like coals desperate to release out of the chimney of a train. Jade's soul pulled out of the station smoothly.
"JADE?!"
It was a shout as Floyd slammed their door open. He had felt a presence leave him. His heart only felt like half of it was responding to him all of a sudden; furthermore, it felt as if deep claws of the earth had torn into his chest and ripped out half of his soul. Never had he ever been separated from Jade... and now they would never reunite. Floyd dove onto the floor next to Jade. He checked for breathe, a pulse, a sign of life - SOMETHING! “No… no, no, no no!”
“Floyd?”
It was Azul’s voice calling from the hallway. He had been looking for Jade since the money wasn’t taking care of at the end of the night; Jade also forgot to clock out so the system insisted Jade was still working. Azul couldn’t remember what his numbers were to punch out of the system. Jade had never made a mistake like this before. Azul’s thought process halted as soon as he got to the doorway of Jade and Floyd’s dorm. The visual cacophony of blood made Azul’s stomach twist. His eyes fluttered around until they followed the trail to Jade’s limp body and Floyd who was cradling him. It seemed a cat had caught Azul’s tongue as a lump formed in his throat. Inky tears split down Azul’s fade without any warning. “Jade..” He whispered. “Floyd, did you-”
“No!” Floyd growled. He didn’t take his eyes off of his twin brother. Jade was the one person who he could always count on. The two of them had been having so much fun on land. What the hell happened? Floyd was utterly heartbroken. More and more of his insides felt like they were going missing as memories flashed all around him. He bawled over his brother’s body as he prayed the Great Sea Witch might hear his cries and bring his brother’s soul back. “Jade, how the hell am I supposed to do this without you? You’re my twin…” Floyd whispered softly as he kept Jade’s body close. He didn’t care of the coldness of death was taking it over. People who have to pry Jade out of his arms.
Octavinelle was left in shock. Floyd and Azul felt as if time had stopped in that very room. Both of them were puzzled as to what could’ve pushed Jade over the edge, both regretted going on their dates, and both began to blame themselves for the events that occurred that night. Due to Jade’s silence, no one knew he was suffering. At Jade’s memorial that NRC held, this was before an official private funeral for the family, it was hard to find anyone to speak about Jade. Most students were too scared to even get close to him. Floyd wasn’t shy to ramble on about his brother’s excellence. Azul somehow found the courage to speak, and he wasn’t ashamed of crying in front of a crowd this time.
Nothing could mend the hole in Floyd and Azul’s hearts. They had both lost someone so dear to them. Many students might comment on the fact how Floyd now walked around as if he was missing something. The eel looked so incredibly lost, and felt as if half of his body had begun to decay. He knew he could stand on his own, but who was Floyd without Jade?
If only Jade had known how much others had loved and cared for him. Yes, sometimes other things take priorities. Things could’ve gone so different if Jade could’ve spoken up… but the world seemed so daunting to the eel when he was still breathing. Now his body would lie over the ocean, and he would never wake again. Mistakes would be related. He left a trail of sorrowful souls behind him. Perhaps others would follow him into the deep.