so much for yesterday

by silver_etoile

Summary:

When Sky wakes up one morning three years into the future, he suddenly finds himself having to navigate an unfamiliar life, unfamiliar people, and most strangely, an unfamiliar boyfriend. Who is this Prapai and why does he seem to care so much about Sky? And what will it take for Sky to believe him?

Notes:

Prompt borrowed graciously from the discord, and only got slightly out of hand. Also I wrote this in 3 days so there are probably typos. I'm sorry.

Sky sighed at the drawing on his sketchpad, the way none of the walls seemed to line up where they should, the square footage all wrong, not at all what the assignment called for. Rubbing his eyes, trying to soothe way they burned as the page blurred before him, he lifted his head to the empty room around him.

He’d been there for hours, it felt like, sitting in the same chair as people came and went, working on drawings, talking about classes. He hadn’t heard a word of it, too lost in his own head as his hands moved on their own accord. They clearly hadn’t come up with anything good, he thought, as he blinked at the page.

Outside the window, the sky had turned dark, lit up by the soft yellow lights on the other buildings, illuminating the pathways that led out of the university, to the real world. For a second, Sky gazed out the window, taking a deep breath and exhaling. He hadn’t noticed he was alone until now, hadn’t noticed the silence of the room around him.

He could have chalked that up to being engrossed in his work, but the truth was, he had barely been paying attention to what he’d been drafting.

His thoughts, as they often had the last few months, lingered on a face, a sneer, a soft laugh that sent chills down his spine where it had once been something he craved.

Four months, Sky thought as he turned back to his work. Four months of this pit in his stomach, the lingering dread that Gun might one day show up and Sky wouldn’t know what to say, how to stop him. Four months since he’d heard those words that he replayed often as he lay awake in the middle of the night.

”I’m bored, Sky. I’m tired of playing a game I know I’ll win every time. You’re used up, you’re pathetic, and I don’t want you.”

Shaking himself, Sky took a shaky breath this time as the memory flooded his senses the way it always did. Gun’s sickly sweet smile, as though he was enjoying this far too much, enjoying Sky’s tears, the way he begged him not to end it. Even the memory made his heart beat faster, remembering how helpless he had been in that moment, what he would have done to get Gun to stay. He shouldn’t have wanted it, woke up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night from dreams of Gun. Would he never be rid of it?

Sky scrubbed at his face, squeezing his eyes shut. He wanted to forget. He needed to forget. But it was always there.

He jumped at the noise his phone made, a text message when he pulled it out, and the tension eased at Rain’s name on the screen.

Sig and I are going to a club!!! Wanna come?

It was later than Sky thought as he checked the time on his phone, later than he should have stayed at school, eyes straining under the lamp. For a moment, he stared at Rain’s text, fingers hovering over the keyboard.

A club would be crowded, hot and claustrophobic, people touching him to slide past—a hand on his elbow, a brush against his back, fingers on his cheek as some drunken guy made a pass. He shuddered at the thought.

Still working on my project, he typed finally, slumping on the stool. But have fun.

He didn’t have the energy to keep working, didn’t care if this draft ever got done, just stared unseeingly at the paper before him.

Sometimes, he wasn’t sure why he even bothered, dragged himself to class when he didn’t want to, spent all night working on projects when his friends were out drinking and having fun. He could go out, he knew, but he wouldn’t have any fun.

Gathering his drawing, Sky rolled it up finally, sticking it in his bag as he slid off the stool. He wasn’t going to get any more done here.

The campus was quiet when he stepped outside, the distant rush of cars a white noise in his ears as he followed the path through the buildings. He’d used to like school like this, when everything was quiet and peaceful, but these days, it felt so suffocatingly empty, unnervingly alone as he hitched up his bag and picked up his pace. Not that he’d be any less alone once he reached his dorm. These days, he was always alone.

Out on the street, Sky turned on the sidewalk, kicking a rock out of his path. He deserved to be alone—there wasn’t anyone out there who would see him as worth anything, not after what had happened with Gun. He didn’t deserve to go to some stupid club with Rain and Sig and pretend that everything was fine, that the smell of the cigarette smoke didn’t make him sick to his stomach, churning with the memories of burnt skin in places no one would see.

He didn’t deserve to spend his nights hanging out with people who only knew him as Sky, the sarcastic one. Sky, the one who kept everyone else on task. Sky, the guy who always turned things around when anybody asked about his personal life.

Sky looked up as he reached the bridge, passed a few people bustling in the opposite direction as he dragged himself across. As he glanced down, he could see the black water underneath, tiny waves glinting in the light as he paused in the middle of the bridge. It was so dark, so empty, as he watched, so all encompassing. He could just sink beneath it and cease to exist if he wanted.

Cars rushed past behind him, and Sky set his elbows on the railing, staring down. He wondered what it would feel like to be pulled under, to plunge into the water from so high up, if it would be like hitting concrete or if he would simply slide beneath the surface.

He might be better off, he thought, breathing in the warm night air, humid from the earlier rain. He might be better of climbing up on that railing and stepping over the side. At least he wouldn’t have to think about Gun anymore. At least he wouldn’t have to worry that no one else would ever want him, damaged and destroyed, a used plaything not worthy of love.

Love, he scoffed. He’d been stupid to believe it, believe that Gun had loved him, but it brought a tear to his eye, a lump to his throat as he stood there. He’d believed it once, thrown himself into it as though it was the only thing that mattered, but who could love him now?

Tears pricked at his eyes, unbidden, hot and sharp, and he didn’t brush them away, staring into the darkness of the water. His heart hammered in his chest as the feelings washed over him. Pain, regret, fear. A prickle down the back of his neck, a sudden stab in his gut as the tears spilled down his cheeks.

Gasping for breath, his hands gripped the railing, knuckles turning white under the pressure. He could end it right now.

The sounds of the city filled his eardrums, a rush of traffic, honking horns, flashes of music and conversation, the ring of a shop door, laughter from a passing car. He closed his eyes, squeezed them shut against the noise, the lights, the memories swirling in his mind as Gun’s voice echoed over and over again.

Who could love anyone as worthless as you?

He couldn’t do it, he thought, opening his eyes, heart pounding in his ribcage. He should do it—take away the pain he felt all the time. Then no one would have to worry about him anymore. He wouldn’t be a burden to his friends who didn’t understand why he never went out, to his dad who sounded worried every time he called. It would make life easier for everyone, but standing there, Sky couldn’t bring himself to climb up, to throw himself off into the churning river below. Instead, he gasped as he tried to control the tears, scrubbing at his eyes, taking shuddering breaths.

He was weak, too weak to even do that, and Sky had to turn, grab his bag where it had fallen on the sidewalk beside him. He was weak and pathetic and worthless.

At the end of the bridge, Sky paused to look back, standing at the corner of the intersection. If only he were stronger. If only he could do what needed to be done. If only, if only, if only.

Wiping the wetness from his cheeks, Sky gripped his bag tightly as he turned to the light, the walk signal. But before he could even step off the curb, a flash of light blinded him, and the last thing he heard was the squeal of brakes before everything went dark.

*

Sky’s head throbbed as he rose to consciousness, a pulse behind his eyes, light flooding his eyelids. He groaned softly, pressing his face into the soft pillow under his head as he tried to make sense of the headache. He didn’t remember anything from last night, he realized as he gripped the sheet pulled up to his chest, pausing at the impossibly soft fabric. These weren’t his sheets, which meant he wasn’t in his dorm.

Opening his eyes, Sky’s gaze fell on an unfamiliar room, a phone sitting on the bedside table, a plant in the corner that looked like one he had at his dad’s. The room itself was large, even with the huge bed, richly decorated but neat as though professionally cleaned.

Lying there, mind racing, Sky clutched at the sheets and tried to remember. He remembered standing at the bridge, contemplating the dark water below, the pit in his stomach as he’d turned away. He didn’t remember anything after that, but he must have done something. Maybe he had met up with Rain, got drunk at a club somewhere and that was why his head felt like it might explode as he blinked in the sunlight streaming from a window behind him.

The only thing that mattered right now was figuring out where he was and how to get out of there.

He didn’t want to look as he felt the mattress shift beside him, clutching at the sheets, heart pounding. Obviously this was someone’s apartment, someone Sky didn’t know, someone he’d gone home with and didn’t even remember. And that person was lying next to him, clearly still asleep.

Fuck. His breaths came shorter as he lay there, heart pounding as he tried to work out what to do next. He had to get out of here.

He didn’t dare look behind him, panting for breath as his throat started to close up, panic setting in, fingers shaking as he pushed the sheets down. He gasped as an arm slid over his chest, freezing as the person beside him let out a long breath.

“It’s okay, baby. I’m here.”

It was a guy—Sky could tell from the voice and the heaviness of the arm. He couldn’t move, even when the guy scooted in closer, fingers grazing down his bare collarbone. Tilting his head very slowly, he could only see a messy dark head of hair, a muscled back, sheets pooling around his hips, and Sky hoped to God he wasn’t naked.

“It’s just a nightmare,” the guy murmured, not even opening his eyes, and Sky took a shaky breath, focusing for a minute on not freaking out, not shoving the guy’s hand away and hightailing it out of there. “You’re okay.”

What the fuck was going on? Sky couldn’t make sense of any of it as he lay there, trapped, terrified, swallowing hard as he tried not to hyperventilate.

He must have had way too much to drink—that was the only explanation Sky could come up with for ending up in a stranger’s bed and still being there the next morning. Rain must have convinced him to go to the club and he must have tried to drink to forget. He didn’t remember any of that, but it was the only thing that made sense.

How was he supposed to get out of here? He had to get out of there.

He jumped at the phone ringing, a sharp gasp as the guy beside him groaned, sighed, finally took his hand away from Sky to grope for a phone on the opposite nightstand.

“Yeah, yeah,” the guy muttered when he answered, and Sky looked over carefully.

He could still only see the guy’s back, but it wasn’t anyone he recognized. Chewing on his lip, he took the opportunity to scan the room, looking for doors, a way out.

“I’ll be there, don’t worry,” the guy said, yawning, and Sky averted his gaze when the guy turned to glance over his shoulder. He kept his eyes on the sleek chair in the corner, realizing he didn’t see his clothes anywhere. He didn’t dare check if he was wearing anything underneath the covers, not when the guy hung up the phone and sat up fully.

Sky remained still, like a statue as he watched the guy out of the corner of his eye, tensing at the unexpected kiss to his cheek.

“I’m gonna take a shower,” was all he said, and Sky didn’t nod or do anything, praying just to get out of here.

He didn’t move, not until the guy had risen from the bed and headed for one of the doors off of the room and he heard the shower turn on.

Throwing the sheets back, Sky was relieved to find he had boxers on at least. But his clothes were nowhere to be found as he scanned the room. Fuck, he couldn’t just run around town in his underwear, so he carefully sneaked to what he guessed was a closet. For a second, he stared at the row of brightly-colored suits, clearly expensive if he knew anything about clothes. This guy must be rich.

It took a second to find clothes that weren’t fancy, a pair of jeans that seemed to be in Sky’s size, a tee-shirt the guy probably wouldn’t miss.

The phone on the table wasn’t his, but Sky paused as he picked it up. Clearly he didn’t know where any of his things were, but the guy seemed to have more than one phone, so Sky didn’t feel too badly as he pocketed this one. He’d return it once he found his own.

He was relieved to find his shoes at the front door, his favorite pair of sneakers. As he slipped them on, trying to be quick and quiet even though the guy was in the shower and probably couldn’t hear anything, his gaze fell on a bowl near the door, two wallets sitting neatly together on a bed of coins. Neither looked familiar, but Sky glanced over his shoulder to check before grabbing one and opening it.

His ID stared up at him, and Sky blinked. This wasn’t his wallet—it was way too nice, made of leather, nothing he would have bought for himself, even in a really drunken stupor. What the hell had happened last night?

The noise of the shower turning off jerked him back to reality, and Sky didn’t take the time to question it, slipping the wallet into his pocket and yanking open the front door.

In the hall, he finally took a breath, turning back to the door, number 722. How he’d gotten there, he didn’t know. He must have made some very stupid decisions last night.

But it was over, he thought, calming himself and heading for the elevator at the end of the hall. Whatever he’d done, it was over.

Once in the elevator, Sky slumped into the wall, as though it had taken all of his effort just to get out of there. His head throbbed again, a headache deep behind his temples, and he could only close his eyes and try to work out what had happened between now and last night.

It wasn’t like him to go out, to get so drunk he forgot everything, to hook up with a stranger. He had no idea how Rain might have convinced him to do that.

The doors to the elevator slid open to reveal a bright lobby with shiny marble floors, and Sky kept his head down as he crossed it, desperate for some fresh air as he finally got outside. Glancing up, he didn’t recognize the building, didn’t recognize the street as he stepped onto the sidewalk.

Taking a deep breath, he turned from the building, trying to calm the fluttering in his chest, nervous and shaky as he headed down the street. At least he was out of there.

*

It took Sky longer than normal to get back to his dorm, to figure out where he was and how to get home, but he was relieved when he finally entered through the sliding doors. All he wanted was to collapse in his own bed, to forget whatever had happened last night and this morning.

Pulling out the wallet, Sky flipped through the cards. There was a door key but it wasn’t the one that went to his dorm, belonged to the building he’d just left. Frowning, Sky sighed. This day was just getting worse and worse.

He’d just have to get a new key from Joy, he resigned, turning from the elevator door. As he approached the desk, though, it wasn’t Joy sitting there. It was some guy Sky had never seen before.

“Hi,” he greeted him slowly, the guy barely looked up from his phone. “I lost my key.”

The guy typed something on his phone instead of looking up. “ID?”

Joy wouldn’t have asked for ID, he thought, but this guy had to be new. He slid his ID over the counter despite himself, annoyed and frustrated, the pounding behind his eyes exacerbated as he stood there.

The guy clicked on something on his computer, clicked a few more things, glanced up at Sky after a second.

“I don’t have a record of you,” he said boredly, tossing the ID back at Sky.

“What?” That couldn’t be possible. This was the right building, right? Sky looked around for a minute. It looked exactly the same as it always had. “Where’s P’Joy? She knows me.”

The guy stared, long enough that Sky started to feel uncomfortable, as if he’d asked a stupid question.

“She doesn’t work here,” he said finally. “She hasn’t worked here for a year.”

“What?” Sky asked again. That didn’t make any sense. He’d seen her yesterday morning, had been forced to make small talk for ten minutes before escaping to class.

“If you don’t leave, I’m gonna call security,” the guy said as Sky stood there, dumbfounded.

What the hell was going on? He couldn’t argue with the guy, too confused as he tried to make sense of it.

Maybe he was dreaming, he thought, desperate as he took a step back from the counter. Maybe he was asleep and he’d wake up and all of this, this whole night would be a dream.

He pinched himself for good measure, but all that did was hurt. Shaking himself, he had no choice but to leave, stepping onto the sidewalk and staring unseeingly at the cars driving past. He couldn’t get into his dorm, only had a phone he’d pretty much stolen, and a wallet he wasn’t entirely sure was his.

He had a phone, he reminded himself, pulling it out and frowning. Did he remember any phone numbers? He knew his dad’s, but he didn’t want to bother him with this—Sky had to be able to take care of himself. His dad was worried enough without Sky calling him on a stranger’s phone to tell him… what? He had nowhere to go?

No, he couldn’t do that. Maybe Rain, though. Rain might know what happened last night, be able to fill in the gaps, explain what the hell was going on.

Pulling up the keypad, Sky typed in the number slowly, not sure it was even right. To his surprise, Rain’s name popped up as a suggested contact. Why was Rain in this guy’s extra phone? At the moment, he didn’t care to know why, just glad when it rang and Rain picked up.

“Hey.”

“Hi, it’s Sky,” he said, and Rain laughed.

“Yeah, I know.”

Sky didn’t have the brainpower to guess how Rain knew. “Where are you right now?” He moved back against the building as people bustled past, shrinking into the concrete, taking short breaths as he tried to remain calm.

“Home. Why?”

“Can you meet me?” he asked, pressing at the knot growing in his chest. He needed to talk to someone before he lost it. “At the boba place near school.”

“Uh, sure,” Rain said, sounding confused, but Sky let out a breath as he nodded.

“Okay, I’ll see you in a minute.”

“Okay,” Rain said, and Sky hung up. Leaning against the building, he forced himself to take a deep breath. There was an explanation for all of this.

*

Sky sat at a table away from the window, hoping it would help temper the headache, dull and pulsing. He hadn’t paid much attention to the people around him, knee jiggling as he waited, impatient, for Rain to get there.

He was just trying not to fall apart as he sat there, clutching at his tea. He’d only bought it to be polite, his stomach churning too much to actually eat or drink anything. A wave of relief hit him as the shop door opened and Rain stepped inside.

There was something different about him, like he’d suddenly gotten older, his clothes fitting better than they had yesterday, his hair longer and lighter. What had he done?

It was the least of Sky’s problems, though, what Rain looked like, if he’d spent the morning at a hair salon. He was just glad someone he recognized was there.

“What’s up?” Rain asked as he joined Sky at the table. “You sounded weird on the phone.”

Sky could only sigh, unsure where to even begin to explain. “I’ve had a really strange day,” he said, and Rain’s eyebrows furrowed. “I don’t know what’s going on. I woke up in some random guy’s bed this morning.”

For a second, Rain just stared at him, and Sky couldn’t blame him. It wasn’t as if he’d ever talked to Rain about his love life, about his past with Gun, the reason he never went out or dated. But he had to now.

“Wait, you cheated on P’Pai?!” Rain asked suddenly, scandalized, and Sky only frowned.

“Who?”

Sky didn’t know anyone named Pai, wasn’t sure what Rain was talking about.

Rain didn’t answer right away, eyeing Sky with suspicion, and it didn’t make him feel better about the whole situation.

“Oh, I get it!” Rain said, wagging a finger at Sky. “It’s a joke. ‘Who’s P’Pai?’” He laughed, shaking his head. “Funny. Because I left early, you think you can make me think you’d cheat on P’Pai.”

Sky could only stare. He didn’t know who that was. And he didn’t know why Rain thought it was so funny.

“I don’t…” he said slowly, shaking his head, and Rain sighed.

“Okay, I shouldn’t have left since I’m the one who made us go out. I’m sorry.” He stared at Sky with big, round eyes, and Sky didn’t even know what to say. “Are you mad?”

“I, I’m—” Sky sighed, confused, grimacing as his head throbbed again, a piercing pain in his temple. He needed to lie down somewhere dark and quiet.

“You’re hungover,” Rain said knowingly as he seemed to realize. “That’s why you’re being weird.”

Maybe. Maybe that was it. Sky didn’t know.

He just knew that he didn’t have anywhere to go. His dorm wasn’t his dorm and the only key card in the wallet was to the apartment building, and he couldn’t go back there to some stranger’s house.

“Can I stay with you tonight?” he asked, knowing it would surprise Rain. He’d never asked before, never wanted to be a burden on his friends, but it seemed he didn’t have much of a choice right now.

Rain did blink, surprised, but he shrugged. “Yeah, I guess. I’ll to ask P’Payu, though. But I don’t think he’ll care.”

Sky didn’t know who P’Payu was. Did Rain have a brother he’d never heard of? He didn’t ask as Rain pulled out his phone and typed something in, the text swishing off as they sat there.

Rubbing at his forehead, Sky took a deep breath. He jumped at the phone ringing, but it was the one in his pocket, not Rain’s, and he pulled it out.

The name on the screen read Prapai, and Sky frowned. Was that this P’Pai Rain kept talking about? But who was that? He didn’t answer the call, silencing it and turning it over on the table. Glancing up, he was surprised to find Rain watching him, mouth twisted, as though confused.

Rain’s phone pinged with a text, though, and he grabbed it. “P’Payu says it’s fine. You can stay with us.”

Us? Sky must be going crazy, he thought, gripping his drink. How was it that he didn’t know any of these people? This couldn’t be good, and he chewed on his lip instead of asking. He was losing it. What other explanation could there be? He couldn’t think of any, and he wasn’t really listening to whatever Rain was saying as he slumped down in his chair and worried he was really losing his mind.

*

Looking around the bright living room, Sky was surprised. He’d never been to Rain’s house, but he hadn’t expected it to be attached to a mechanic’s shop. Rain had never mentioned that. It was tidy, though, with soft, sleek furniture that was comfortable enough.

Sitting on the couch, Sky leaned back, his whole body exhausted. None of this day made any sense, and now he was sitting in Rain’s living room, taking the bottle of water Rain handed him. The headache had subsided slightly, more a dull thrum rather than a painful stab every time he moved.

“Where’s your mom?” Sky asked after a minute, twisting off the top of the bottle.

Rain tilted his head to the side at the question. “She’s probably at home?”

But wasn’t this home? Sky thought, eyebrows furrowed. Before he could ask what Rain meant by that, the glass door to the courtyard opened and a guy Sky had never seen before stepped inside. He was certainly good-looking was Sky’s first thought. His second was pure shock as Rain bounded off the couch and into the guy’s arms, greeting him with a kiss on the lips.

Rain wasn’t gay. Rain was obsessed with Ple, getting her to date him.

Sky knew he was staring, mouth dropped open as he tried to reconcile what he was seeing as the guy slid an arm around Rain’s waist and nodded in greeting.

“Sky,” he said, as if they knew each other, and Sky closed his mouth. “Is Pai out of town? He didn’t say anything.”

“Uh…” He didn’t know the answer, didn’t understand the question really.

“Sky’s really hungover,” Rain jumped in, and for once, Sky was glad, even if he didn’t know why.

The guy glanced at Rain, reaching over to sweep his hair behind his ear. Sky blinked, so very confused. Who was this guy? Why was Rain letting him touch him like that? It was starting to scare him, all the things he couldn’t remember, didn’t know.

“And you’re not because you left him at the bar alone,” the guy said, knowingly, raising his eyebrows at Rain, who pouted.

“You called me, remember?”

“I didn’t tell you to ditch your friend, darling.”

What the hell was this. Sky just sat there, feeling completely left out, confused. They were saying words that should have made sense, but they didn’t add up.

“P’Payu,” Rain whined, clinging to his hand, lip stuck out as Payu seemed unimpressed.

“You’ll make it up to him tonight by being a good friend,” Payu said, and Sky stared as Payu leaned in and kissed Rain again and Rain let him.

He couldn’t make sense of it as Rain nodded, serious, flashing a smile at Sky. If he could just lie down, close his eyes, maybe he’d wake up back in his own bed and it would all make sense then.

Payu just nodded too, slipping his hand from Rain’s and patting his shoulder. “I have to get back to work.”

“Okay,” Rain said, sounding wistful, but Sky was glad when he left. Watching Rain, he wanted to ask what the hell was going on, but he wasn’t sure there was any explanation that would help. Rain flopped on the couch once the door shut, glancing at Sky. “Wanna order dinner?”

Sky didn’t have anything to say as he shrugged and rubbed at his temple. He just wanted to wake up from whatever this was.

*

Was it possible to lose your memory overnight, Sky wondered as he lay on the couch in the darkness, under the bedspread Rain had assured him was clean for some reason. The room was fairly visible in the lights from outside pressing through the windows, falling in long slats of orange and dull yellow as Sky blinked at the ceiling. If it had just been one thing—waking up in a stranger’s bed, he could have chalked it up to a drunken mistake. But the dorm, Rain, Payu? It was all wrong.

Pulling out the phone, he stared at the time. 12:51 AM.

The screen was filled with notifications, text messages from Prapai that Sky hadn’t looked at. They seemed to pop up every hour or so, and Sky just ignored the way they filled him with dread.

Clearing the messages away, his gaze drifted to the date beneath the time. October third, just like it was supposed to be, but something else caught his attention.

2026.

2026? It couldn’t be right, he thought. The phone had to be all screwed up to be three years off. Opening the phone, he clicked on the calendar. Yes, the calendar also thought it was 2026, but that couldn’t be possible.

Something seized his chest as he lay there, and he tossed back the duvet, heading for the kitchen and the calendar tacked on the side of the fridge. He stared, heart pounding, gripping the phone tight as he took in the year. 2026.

How? It wasn’t possible.

Stumbling back to the couch, Sky collapsed, sucking in breath after breath as everything overwhelmed him. He couldn’t have forgotten three years, three whole years in one night. It wasn’t possible.

But what other explanation was there? He didn’t know Payu. He didn’t know Pai. If he didn’t live at the dorm, where did he live?

Sitting there, he felt on the verge of a panic attack, breathing heavy, throat closing, heart thrumming in his ribcage. What was he supposed to do? Where was he supposed to go?

Before he could spiral completely, the phone lit up with an incoming call, and Sky froze at Prapai’s name on the screen again. How many times was this guy going to call?

He should just answer, the tiny voice in his head said as the phone vibrated in his hand. Just answer and tell this guy to stop calling, that whoever he was trying to reach wasn’t there.

Drawing his courage, Sky pressed the answer button and lifted the phone to his ear.

“Hello?” he asked slowly, and an exhaled breath met his ears.

“Sky, baby, thank God.”

This guy did know who he was, at least knew his name, not that that reassured Sky at all.

“Are you okay?” Prapai asked, and Sky didn’t know how to answer that. “You disappeared earlier. I was worried.”

“Worried,” Sky repeated, confused. “… About me?” Who was this guy and why would he be worried about Sky?

Prapai sighed on the other end. “I thought something might have happened when you didn’t answer. Where’d you go?”

Sky paused, unsure what to say. He didn’t know this guy, but this guy knew him. “I just went to meet a friend,” he said, which wasn’t a lie, but he really didn’t know what he was supposed to say.

“Rain?” Prapai asked, and Sky didn’t know how he knew.

“Yeah.”

“Well, tell him next time he wants to go to a bar, either he stays the whole time to keep you safe or I’m going to tell Payu about that time he let his car run out of gas and I had to save him.”

Sky didn’t know what to say to that, so he didn’t say anything. Why did Prapai know more about Rain than he did?

For a second, there was silence on the phone, in the living room, and Sky tugged the duvet up to his chin as if it might protect him from all the unanswered questions swirling in his brain, the confusion and fear as he sat there, unable to figure anything out.

“Are you coming home soon?” Prapai asked after a minute.

Home? Home with Prapai? Was that where he’d been this morning? Since when did he live with someone? He couldn’t even imagine it, imagine being that close to someone, to want to wake up next to them every day, to feel safe enough to try.

The thought hit him like a train, a sudden gut-punch as he curled into the couch and clutched at the phone. It couldn’t be possible. He didn’t deserve a home like that.

But Prapai was waiting for an answer he didn’t have, and Sky swallowed hard around the lump in his throat.

“I’m at Rain’s,” he said instead, not knowing if it was the right answer, not knowing what Prapai expected him to do.

“Okay,” Prapai said after a second, sounding skeptical. “But I’ll see you tomorrow, right?”

“I don’t,” Sky started to say, biting back his words, shaking his head. “I-I have to go.”

He just hung up instead, throwing the phone into the cushions. He couldn’t answer that. He didn’t have any idea what was going to happen tomorrow if he couldn’t figure this out.

Taking a deep breath, he let it out slowly, closing his eyes as he scrunched into a ball, anxiety humming through his veins. There was no way he was going to sleep tonight, and he dreaded tomorrow even more as he pressed his head to his knees and sighed. Maybe he should have jumped off that bridge when he’d had the chance.

*

Sky tried not to blink as the light flashed in his eyes, the doctor inspecting him carefully as he sat in the office. He kept his hands balled into fists, taking careful measured breaths as they went through the tests. Something had to be wrong. He just didn’t know what.

“All your reactions are normal,” the doctor said as he stepped back, typing something into his computer. He paused as he glanced at Sky sitting in the chair. “You don’t remember falling or getting hit on the head?”

Sky shook his head. “I just woke up yesterday and couldn’t remember the last three years of my life.”

“That is strange,” the doctor agreed. Strange was the least of it.

He’d gone to the first doctor he could find with an available appointment once he’d left Rain’s, or Payu’s, or whoever’s house it was.

“It could be something neurological,” the doctor went on, “but we’d have to run more in-depth tests to find out.”

It wasn’t reassuring, Sky thought as he frowned. He could think of a thousand things that could mean—a tumor, cancer, some disease that could deteriorate his brain. He could already feel the anxiety crawling into his chest and taking hold even if the doctor seemed less concerned.

“Let me go see what appointments we have available,” he said, rising from his chair. “I’ll be right back.”

Sky didn’t relax with the door shut behind him, pressing his palms to his knees. It had to be something medically wrong with him—it was the only explanation.

Gazing around, he tried to stay calm, to focus on the things he could see, the things he could touch. The wallet poked him in his pocket and he pulled it out. It definitely wasn’t one he recognized but it had to be his. It had his ID, bank cards with his name on them. Flipping through the inserts, he pulled out a faded photo of his dad.

It wasn’t the only photo, though, and he unstuck it from the one behind it. It was a man, a handsome man with sleek dark hair, a bright smile. It had clearly been looked at a lot, the edges worn, and Sky just stared at it.

He’d had a photo like this before, one of Gun he’d kept in his wallet, had ripped up after their breakup in a fit of tears. The memory hit him with a sickening punch to the gut and he shoved the photos away, head snapping up as the door opened again.

“We can get you in for an MRI in two weeks,” the doctor said as he came in, and Sky frowned.

“Two weeks?” That seemed like a very long time if something was really wrong.

The doctor seemed unconcerned as he faced Sky. “Physically, you seem perfectly healthy and memory loss can be linked to a number of things. If anything changes, we can try to get you in earlier.”

Sky could only sigh. “What am I supposed to do?”

“You should go home, try to jog your memory, ask friends and family to help. It’s possible this is just stress related and might correct itself in a few days.”

Stress, Sky thought, annoyed. He’d been stressed out for the past year and not once had he forgotten anything that had happened. He remembered every minute of his time with Gun, wished he could forget that instead of whatever else he’d forgotten.

There was nothing he could do about it at the moment, had to make the appointment and leave the doctor’s office with more questions than when he’d entered.

He didn’t have anywhere to go, he realized as he stood on the sidewalk. He didn’t know what he was supposed to be doing, if he had a job or a car or anything. The only thing he knew was that Prapai had already texted him several times this morning asking if he was okay, when he’d be back, if he wanted dinner from his favorite place.

It was all so overwhelming.

Go home, the doctor’s voice echoed, but where was that? The apartment he had a key to in his wallet? It had to be, but what would he find there?

He guessed he didn’t really have a choice since there was no where else to go. He couldn’t sleep on Rain’s couch forever, would need a change of clothes, and he suspected they were at the apartment.

So, resigned, he pulled up the map on his phone—it must have been his since Rain was in it and there were text messages from his dad’s number. There were also messages from other people Sky didn’t know, didn’t dare text in case he said something wrong.

He found the place he’d been yesterday and sighed to himself. He didn’t know what option he had, so he turned on his heel and started down the street.

Every step made him a little more nervous, not sure what he was going to find once he reached the apartment. Would he recognize his things? Would it confirm that he did live there? With some guy?

He’d wanted so badly to live with Gun once upon a time, thought it might solve all of their problems, but Gun never brought it up, always seemed glad to kick him out after sex. Sky had convinced himself that he just needed to try harder, to love him more, to be better at sex or talking or whatever it was Gun wanted from him.

He didn’t know how to do it now, how to talk to anyone, how to know the difference between a guy who just wanted his body and someone who might actually want him.

No one would want him, he reminded himself, and he wasn’t sure why this Prapai kept texting as if he cared.

It didn’t take long to reach the apartment, and Sky paused for a minute as he stood in front of the towering building. He was afraid of what was inside, what he might find, what it might mean.

Calming himself, he shook the thoughts away and stepped through the sliding doors to the lobby finally. No one looked twice as he crossed, waiting at the elevator that opened with a swipe of his card. As the numbers climbed higher and higher, his stomach churned nervously, and it was all he could do to stay upright as it finally stopped on the seventh floor and opened to the hallway.

722, that was the number he remembered, but he was still surprised when the card turned the lock green and he heard it click.

This had to be right.

The apartment was quiet when Sky edged open the door, careful not to make any noise in case someone was home. He hadn’t really paid attention yesterday, so focused on getting out of there, but this time, he moved slowly, shutting the door behind him.

Moving between the furniture, Sky recognized some of his books on the shelf, more manga than he’d had before. Continuations to series that hadn’t finished yet. Although the apartment was neatly kept, there were draft papers stacked on the coffee table like maybe he worked on them here, in front of the big glass windows overlooking the city. He paused as he picked up the pencil pouch, turned it over to his name scribbled in permanent marker on the bottom.

These were definitely his, just like the sweater draped over the back of the chair was, and Sky fingered it carefully as he glanced around. He didn’t recognize a lot of things in the apartment, but there were plants on the balcony that he knew had once been at his dad’s place. There was a photo on the bookshelf, of him and the guy from his wallet, taken on a beach somewhere. They were both grinning, and Sky could only frown as he gazed at it. He couldn’t imagine ever feeling like that.

Moving on, he wandered into the bedroom. There were more photos here, him and that guy. Prapai, he supposed. Sinking onto the bed, Sky glanced around. It was all so unfamiliar.

His gaze fell to the nightstand, and Sky opened it slowly. There wasn’t much in it—a magazine, a pair of his glasses, and a pack of condoms.

Panicking, he slammed the drawer shut, an automatic reaction he couldn’t explain.

Rising from the bed, he found the bathroom, splashing cool water on his face as he took a deep breath. He lived here. He lived here with someone else. It didn’t sound real. But there were two toothbrushes in the holder by the sink, two towels hung up on the rack, too many hair products for just one person in the shower.

Staring at his reflection, Sky paused. He hadn’t seen himself, hadn’t seen the length of his hair, the baby fat he remembered all but gone, leaving his jaw sharp and filled in. He looked older, but the bags weren’t there, the dark circles from the nightmares, the lack of sleep, and he touched his face gently.

It didn’t make sense.

Sky jerked up at the sound of a door opening, the rustle of plastic, and his heart jumped into his throat as he turned from the mirror.

“Sky?” a voice called through the apartment, and Sky froze despite himself.

He couldn’t hide in here—eventually Prapai would find him and he’d have to have an explanation.

Forcing his feet to move, Sky crept out of the bathroom and back through the bedroom. He peered into the living room cautiously, drawing a breath as his gaze fell on the same guy from yesterday, his back turned to Sky as he fiddled with something at the kitchen counter.

He was tall, Sky thought, swallowing down his nerves as he stepped into the living room, definitely handsome when he turned at the noise of Sky’s footsteps. The way he smiled caught Sky off-guard, as though he was glad to see him.

“Good, you’re here,” he said, pulling a container out of the plastic bag. “I got you shrimp with rice, and some noodle soup. Don’t worry, that one’s for me. I know you would rather have rice.”

Sky didn’t even question how Prapai knew that, too nervous to say anything, keeping a sharp eye on all his movements as he turned.

“So,” Prapai said after a second, shooting Sky a curious look. “Are you going to tell me why you stayed at Rain’s last night?” He smiled slightly, coming closer to Sky, head tilted to the side. “Trying to punish me for not going out with you two? You know I’d much rather be with you than stuck in the office.”

He reached for Sky, clearly what should have been a familiar gesture, but Sky jerked his hand away.

“Don’t,” he said sharply, not missing the immediate confusion on Prapai’s face.

“What’s wrong?” Prapai asked, sounding concerned, but he didn’t try to touch him again. Instead, his eyebrows furrowed as he took Sky in, as if looking for something different. All of Sky was different as far as he was concerned and he didn’t know what Prapai could find. “Sky, you’re starting to scare me,” he said after a second. “Did something happen at the bar?”

Sky shook his head even though he didn’t know if that was true. He didn’t remember any bar or club or whatever. All he remembered was staring at the river and thinking how much easier life would be for everyone if he just stepped over the edge.

“I don’t, I don’t know you,” he said finally, watching Prapai frown.

“What does that mean? You don’t know me? You know me better than anyone.”

“No, I don’t know who you are,” Sky said instead, biting his lip, nerves buzzing in his fingers as he closed them into fists, digging his nails into his palm.

Prapai just stared, head tilted like a curious puppy. “I’m P’Pai, your boyfriend,” he said simply, as though Sky was playing some kind of weird joke. “Who else would I be?”

He wasn’t getting it, and Sky didn’t know how to explain, wasn’t sure he even wanted to. He didn’t know Prapai. He didn’t know anything about him—how had they met? Why did they live together? Was he just like Gun?

He hadn’t considered that, too wrapped up in the confusion of everything. He had to be—no one else would want someone like him. Only someone as cruel as Gun would consider dealing with him.

Sky took a swift step back even as Prapai didn’t move, putting some distance between them. Prapai just watched him, perplexed, expression growing more and more concerned.

“Baby,” he said softly, “This isn’t funny. I don’t like this.”

Gun had used to say that, that he didn’t like the things Sky did, that he should be less. Less energetic, quieter, more obedient.

“I’m not joking,” he said, serious. “I-I went to a doctor,” he said, taking a deep breath as something gnawed at his stomach as Prapai’s words. What if he was like Gun? The thought scared him, made him want to run through the door and never come back. But Prapai’s concerned expression made him pause. He didn’t trust it, but it wasn’t something he was used to seeing.

“And?

Sky hesitated. What if he told Prapai and Prapai used this as an opportunity to tell him anything he wanted? He could only imagine what Gun might have done with an opportunity like that, and the thought made him shudder. He would never know what was real and what wasn’t. But how would he remember anything if he had no one to help fill in the gaps?

“I don’t remember,” Sky said at length. “I don’t remember the last three years.”

For a moment, there was silence in the apartment and Prapai didn’t say anything. He set his hand on the counter, though, letting out a long breath as if trying to understand. Sky knew even less than he did, was afraid of what might happen.

“You don’t remember anything?” Prapai asked after a long pause. “You don’t remember me?”

Shaking his head, Sky had nothing to say. Prapai stared at him, as though he couldn’t process what Sky was saying. Sky almost didn’t blame him.

“What did the doctor say?” he asked, eyebrows furrowed, shaking his head.

“I don’t know. They have to do more tests.”

“Fuck,” Prapai muttered, more worried than Sky had expected, and he reached for Sky again only to stop as Sky drew back. “Sorry. I’m sorry.”

That surprised Sky too, the apology, but he didn’t relax, tense as Prapai dragged a hand through his hair.

“I don’t, I don’t understand,” he said, looking at Sky as though he had an answer. “You don’t know who I am?”

Sky shook his head, almost feeling bad. “I don’t understand either.”

Hesitating, Sky wasn’t sure what to do. He could see that he lived here—that much was obvious. He probably didn’t have anywhere else to go, well, except…

“Maybe I should go stay with my dad,” he said after a second. It would be better than staying here, always looking over his shoulder, not sure what he should believe.

Prapai lifted his head. “You can’t.”

Can’t? The word sent a shiver down his spine, a churn through his stomach. What did that mean? Prapai wouldn’t let him leave?

“He’s on his honeymoon,” Prapai went on quicky when Sky retreated back a step. “He won’t be back for two weeks.”

“Honeymoon?” Sky repeated in disbelief. He’d gotten remarried?

Prapai nodded. “They went to Greece for a month.”

Shaking his head, Sky didn’t believe that. His dad never even looked at women, always shot down Sky’s suggestion of trying to date again. Pulling out his phone, he fully intended to call his dad and prove Prapai was lying, but as he opened up the text messages, there it was. Congratulations on the wedding, names and dates of hotels in case something happened, Sky’s own messages with a photo from the wedding. His dad and some woman he didn’t know.

And there in the photos, him and Prapai dressed in suits, smiling at the camera, one of Prapai kissing him, and Sky stared at it for a moment. It was like seeing someone else’s life flash before him, didn’t quite fit together the way it should.

When he looked up, he found Prapai watching him, brow creased with worry, an expression he was familiar with, but it usually came from his dad. It had never come from a guy he was supposedly dating.

“Let’s sit down,” Prapai said after a second, gesturing at the couch, careful not to touch him.

His feet felt like they were on autopilot, but he moved into the living room, taking the seat furthest from Prapai and squeezing his hands between his knees.

“You don’t remember the first time we met?”

Looking up, Sky bit his lip. He shook his head.

“So you don’t remember Payu either?”

Sky shrugged. “I met him yesterday.” He still didn’t know who Payu was, how Rain had gone from being obsessed with a girl to head over heels in love with a guy. From the looks of things, he was clearly happy, but it didn’t add up to Sky.

Prapai just frowned, as though trying to work something out. Sky couldn’t figure it out either, to his credit. He couldn’t figure out how he’d ended up with Prapai, how there could ever have been a time when he wanted to try again.

“Are you okay? No, that’s a stupid question,” Prapai muttered to himself. “What do you remember?”

Sky frowned. It hurt his brain to try to think, a dull throb from apparently a hangover still lingering. He paused. “I remembered being at school, working on a project. Rain invited me to a club but I didn’t go.”

There was also the bridge. He remembered standing on the bridge, staring into the water and contemplating if it wouldn’t be easier just to step over the edge and disappear.

He didn’t tell Prapai that, kept it to himself as Prapai let out a hard breath, as if just as confused.

“Is there anything you want me to tell you?” he asked finally. “Anything I can do?”

Sky wouldn’t even know where to start, and he couldn’t trust Prapai even if he did ask.

“I’m just tired,” he said, and Prapai nodded.

“Yeah, sleep, that might be a good idea.” He sounded as freaked out as Sky felt, so at least he wasn’t alone in that respect. He nodded again, as though agreeing with himself. “You can have the bed,” he said easily. “I’ll take the couch.”

“No,” Sky stopped him. “I’ll take the couch. It’s your apartment.”

“Our apartment,” Prapai correctly him gently, and Sky could only grit his teeth at the sudden clench in his stomach.

He didn’t nod, only stayed where he was as Prapai pushed himself up.

“Are you hungry? You should eat something before you sleep.”

Sky wasn’t really hungry, feeling more empty than anything, but he looked up as Prapai set the shrimp dish in front of him on the coffee table. Prapai just nodded at him, moving over to the chair with his meal and settling in. It was strange, felt unsure as Sky opened the box. But he had nowhere else to go. He didn’t trust that Prapai wasn’t like Gun, didn’t know how they’d ended up here. He had to have been manipulated into it, but he didn’t say anything of the sort as he kept an eye on Prapai and dug his chopsticks into the rice.

*

Soft rays of light fell through the window, over the couch, onto Sky’s face as he rolled over to face them. He’d been awake for a while, watched the light go from deep sleepy blue to pale whites and pinks. The apartment was far enough from the street that he couldn’t hear cars, couldn’t hear the sounds of the city through the thick glass. In here, everything was quiet.

Sky wasn’t sure he’d really slept, rolling over again and again, not quite comfortable, not quite safe. Now, he scrolled through his phone, hopeful for some kind of distraction from the myriad of questions flooding his brain, all those things he didn’t have answers for as he lay on an unfamiliar couch in an unfamiliar place with an unfamiliar person in the next room.

Prapai hadn’t said much last night during dinner or after as he’d made up the couch for Sky, seemed to be busy in his own head, and Sky didn’t blame him.

The phone was new, at least newer than the one he remembered, and he opened up the photos, swiping through, hoping something might jog his memory.

There were plenty of Prapai—at his dad’s wedding he didn’t remember, making stupid faces at the camera, with other people Sky didn’t know. He paused on the ones of him and Prapai, the way he looked so happy and how it felt so foreign, like it wasn’t really him. Who was that person? How could he be so happy when Sky felt so awful all the time? Had he forgotten about Gun and everything that had happened? Was that even possible?

He flipped through photos of Rain, Rain with Payu, all of them together like they were friends. Prapai on a motorcycle, and Sky paused for a moment. Even he couldn’t deny that Prapai was handsome, even if he knew nothing about him. For just a second, he let himself look, at the tight motorcycle jacket, the way his thighs spread over the seat, the cocky smirk at the camera as though Prapai knew why he was taking the photo.

So Prapai rode motorcycles. And had a closet full of expensive suits. But that didn’t tell Sky anything.

He fumbled the phone as he heard a noise in the other room, closing his eyes and pretending to be asleep as he strained to hear.

“I just think I should stay with him today,” he heard Prapai say, keeping his voice low. “I don’t know. He seems really freaked out.”

Sky frowned at Prapai’s words, blocking out the rest of the conversation as he buried himself under the duvet. He didn’t have any answers for why this was happening, just that it was and he had to deal with it. There was no reason why Prapai had to deal with it too. He shouldn’t have felt obligated just because they apparently had some sort of relationship that Sky didn’t remember.

The door to the bedroom opened, and Sky listened to Prapai stepping out. He wasn’t on the phone anymore, and Sky heard him approach the couch slowly.

There was no point pretending to be asleep now, and Sky turned to meet Prapai’s gaze over the back. For what it was worth, Prapai didn’t look as if he’d slept much either, hair mussed, trying to stifle a yawn. The worried crease to his eyebrows was still there, but he smiled at Sky anyway.

“Morning,” he greeted him. “Feeling any better?”

“Not really,” Sky answered truthfully, pushing himself up and shoving the duvet to the end of the couch. His answer didn’t seem to be what Prapai had hoped for, but he barely showed it.

“Do you want breakfast? We have, well, everything you like.” Prapai made a face, a twitch to his nose as he turned away, as though regretting it.

“I’m not hungry,” Sky muttered, and Prapai sighed.

“I guess I should call the office and let them know you’re not coming in, huh,” he said, and Sky looked up.

“Office?”

Realization came over Prapai’s face. “Right, your internship. With Vizrae Studios.”

Sky couldn’t help staring as Prapai went to grab his phone.

“I have an internship with Vizrae Studios?” he asked in disbelief. That was one of the best firms in Bangkok. Everyone wanted an internship there.

Prapai nodded, as though it wasn’t a big deal at all. “You’ve been there since, what is it, July?”

As Prapai dialed the phone, Sky couldn’t help sitting back as it sunk in.

“I got an internship with Vizrae.”

Prapai glanced at him. “Of course you did. Who else would be good enough for them?”

Sky wouldn’t have thought him. His drafts were decent at best, unfocused the last few months with everything else dragging him down. His last review had mostly been the professor telling him he needed to pay more attention to the task at hand rather than getting distracted by the big picture.

He barely listened to Prapai on the phone, telling someone he wouldn’t be coming in today and possibly the rest of the week. It was probably a good idea, he admitted, considering he wouldn’t have known anything of what he was supposed to be doing.

When Prapai hung up, he moved over to the chair and sat down, gazing out the window for a moment.

Sky paused, tearing himself out of thoughts that he’d managed to get such a good internship. “Aren’t you going… wherever it is you go?”

“I work for my dad’s corporate real estate firm,” Prapai answered, glancing back at him. “I took the day off.”

Sky could only nod, not sure what else to say.

“You don’t have to do this,” he said after a minute, catching Prapai watching him, unnerved by the look in his eyes. Sadness and pity? Maybe. He couldn’t tell. No one had looked at him exactly like that before and he wasn’t sure he liked it. “You don’t have to take care of me. I can take care of myself.”

To his surprise, Prapai laughed, once. “I know you can,” he said easily. “But you don’t have to.”

Frowning, Sky didn’t know how to respond to that. He’d always been the one to take care of himself, to pick himself up and keep going even when he didn’t want to. He didn’t want anyone else responsible for him, to rely on someone the way he had let himself rely on Gun, paid the price for it.

“I don’t need you feeling sorry for me.”

Prapai shook his head. “Baby—” He stopped himself, licking his lips. “Sky,” he said instead, “I don’t. I never have.”

Sky wished he could believe it, but it meant nothing as he sat there. Was he just supposed to take Prapai at his word? Consider the apartment and all of his things tucked neatly away as if maybe he’d chosen to be here and believe that meant something?

He couldn’t. He couldn’t trust that Prapai was telling him the truth. There was no way he would have wanted someone like Sky. Used and thrown away. Worthless.

Prapai’s hands twitched like he wanted to reach out to Sky, wanted to move over to the couch, and Sky eyed him warily. But he stayed where he was, sweeping his hair back and biting down on his tongue.

“Whatever happens,” Prapai said after a minute, looking up at Sky, “I’m gonna be here. You know that. You might not remember it, but you know it.”

Sky wasn’t prepared for the throb in his chest, taken aback, and he stared as Prapai sighed and rose to his feet.

“I’m going to make some coffee,” he said, and Sky turned to watch him. Confused, he could only look away and stifle the pain in his chest, bringing his knees to his chin as he wondered what the hell that meant and why it had surprised him so much.

*

Staring up at the shining building, Sky could only wonder. It didn’t seem real, that he could have an internship with Vizrae. They only accepted the best architects into their program. What reason would Prapai have to lie about that, he thought as people came and went through the sliding glass doors. He still didn’t know anything about Prapai, really.

Sky had spent all of yesterday hanging around the apartment, willing himself to remember anything, unsure what he should ask Prapai that would help. He couldn’t trust anything he said, the same way he could never trust his feelings lately. Every thought he had, he second-guessed, as though his brain was determined to keep him confused and on edge. He felt like a trapped cat, even with Prapai giving him space, not asking any questions but keeping a careful watch on him, as though he was about to throw himself off the balcony.

He’d woken this morning to Prapai’s gentle nudge on his shoulder, a careful touch that he pulled away immediately the moment Sky’s eyes opened. Sky had flinched away, more surprised to find Prapai so close than by the touch.

“I’m going into the office for a few hours,” Prapai had said quietly. “Are you going to be okay?”

Sky wanted to scowl at the question, as if he couldn’t manage one day on his own, but a part of him wasn’t sure he could. He’d barely been managing before, managing to go to class, managing to drag himself out of bed in the mornings, to get through another pointless day. He was surprised that Prapai had bothered to tell him, to make sure he knew he was leaving. At least he hadn’t woken up to an empty apartment and had another panic attack for an entirely different reason.

For a while, he’d tried to keep himself occupied, scrolled through his phone reading text conversations with names he didn’t recognize, relieved when Gun’s name wasn’t there. It wasn’t anywhere in his phone that he could see.

He’d scrolled back on his and Prapai’s texts, back weeks and weeks. There were plenty of messages, asking when the other would be home, what they wanted for dinner, reminders of plans with Rain and Payu and late meetings. It all seemed very normal. There was no begging in the messages, no desperation or hopelessness that Sky had grown used to. They didn’t make him sad as he read them, longing for something he didn’t have.

There were the messages, though, that Sky couldn’t believe he would have written. Prapai’s were often flirty, asking what they were going to do once they got home, making suggestions of things Sky could only imagine were real. But Sky’s responses were the same.

Sky had almost dropped the phone when he’d read, When you get home, you’re gonna take me right on the kitchen counter and fuck me until you can’t stand anymore.

Who had written that? Certainly not him. He would never have said something so bold. He might have thought it before, about other guys, about Gun when he’d been so in love he would have said anything. But that would have gotten him slapped, called a whore and shoved down on the bed to be pinned down, forced to be still as Gun took what he wanted.

The thought had gripped him, wrapped around his throat as Sky had sat on the couch in the quiet apartment, a flash of memories—bruising hands on his wrists, laughter that made his skin crawl, hot tears falling down his cheeks that he couldn’t stop no matter how much he struggled.

It hadn’t always been like that. In the beginning, Gun had been sweet, attentive, made Sky feel special in a way he never had before. It had been easy for Sky to excuse the anomalies, the remarks Gun made to his friends about him, the jokes that turned serious, the words he had once craved to hear becoming painful reminders instead.

He felt suffocated, sitting in Prapai’s apartment, unable to stop wondering if Prapai was the same, if all of this was an act to get him to feel comfortable, to let his guard down so he could be caught off-guard.

It had driven him out of the house, walking aimlessly, and Sky was a bit surprised when he’d ended up here, in front of the towering office building that housed Vizrae Studios.

He could go in, he thought, standing in front of the doors. He could go in and see if it was true, if it was possible Prapai was telling the truth, if he could have accomplished something like this in the future.

What if it wasn’t real, though? Sky couldn’t help the thought, biting his lip as he stared up at the windows reflecting the sunlight. He wasn’t sure he could handle the disappointment.

“Sky?”

Jerking his head back down, Sky was surprised to see Rain emerging from the doors. He was dressed for an office, with slacks and a button-down shirt, and Sky couldn’t help marvel at the idea of Rain as a professional.

“I thought you were out this week,” Rain said, coming up to Sky, tilting his head like a confused puppy. There was the Rain Sky knew. “P’Fern in your office said you were sick.”

Sky frowned, jerking back as Rain tried to press a hand to his forehead, as if to check.

“You shouldn’t be wandering around if you’re sick,” Rain said, sounding concerned, taking Sky’s hand, and Sky let him. He wasn’t used to seeing Rain serious about anything, especially about him. “Does P’Pai know you went out?”

Sky wanted to ask if it mattered that Prapai knew what he was doing, but he didn’t as Rain turned him around and began steering him down the street.

“Do you have an internship here too?” he asked instead, and Rain’s eyebrows rose.

“You must have a fever,” he said, keeping his hold steady on Sky’s arm. “I’m interning with SKB Architekks, remember? Vizrae only takes five people a year, and we all knew you’d get it.”

He said it with such conviction that Sky paused. From what he did remember, he hadn’t been the best in the class, letting himself slip as he struggled to get by the last few months. He’d tried to put all his focus on school, to use it as a distraction, but it hadn’t seemed to work.

How could he have gone from barely getting by to landing one of the most sought-after internships in the city?

“Rain,” he said as they reached the corner and Rain hit the crossing button. He still had a firm grip on Sky as if he might wander into traffic if he let go. “What do you think of P’Pai?”

“Huh?” Rain asked, wrinkling his nose in confusion. “What do you mean?”

Sky shrugged. “Do you like him?”

For a moment, Rain just looked at him, and Sky could see the wheels turning, trying to fit the puzzle pieces together. “Maybe you need to lie down.”

“Rain,” Sky said, sighing. He wasn’t sick, but he did want to know what Rain thought about this guy who was supposed to be his boyfriend, supposed to care about him in a way that didn’t seem possible.

“You already know what I think,” Rain said as the walk sign came on and he pulled Sky forward. “He’s always been nice to me, and he’d never let anything happen to you. He’s a good racer. And no matter what he says, P’Payu is a good rider. Just ‘cause he doesn’t race doesn’t mean he’s not as good as P’Pai.” Rain rolled his eyes, as though it was an affront somehow. “I don’t know. He buys us dinner and doesn’t get mad when we leave a mess playing video games or stay up late. I still don’t get why you wouldn’t let him buy you a car for your birthday,” he said as they reached the other side of the street and Rain turned him in the direction of the apartment. “It would have made life a lot easier.”

A Sky who remembered that might have known why, but this Sky couldn’t fathom the idea of someone wanting to buy him a car in the first place.

“But you like him,” he said, probing, and Rain nodded.

“Of course I do. He’s P’Payu’s best friend, and you like him, which is all that matters, right?”

Sky wished he could agree, but he had liked Gun too. His friends hadn’t, had told Sky over and over that something wasn’t right, that it shouldn’t be like this, and they had turned out to be right.

He felt a little better, knowing what Rain thought. Not that he usually put much stock in Rain’s opinion, but at this point, Rain knew Prapai a lot better than Sky did.

“Come on,” Rain said, guiding Sky down the street as though he didn’t know where he was going. “I think the fever is making you delusional.”

Sky didn’t argue, only because it was a better explanation than the truth.

He let Rain lead him to his apartment, as though he’d been there a thousand times. Rain seemed to know his way around once inside, placing Sky on the big bed as though that was where he belonged. Sky couldn’t help glancing over at Prapai’s side, the covers yanked up in some effort to keep it neat. It made his heart beat faster as Rain disappeared to the kitchen, a sudden anxiety as he sat there, like he shouldn’t be in the bed even though it was presumably his too.

“Should I call P’Pai?” Rain asked when he returned with a hot cup of tea that he set on the nightstand.

“No,” Sky said quickly, digging his fingers into the soft covers. “I’ll be fine.”

For a second, Rain didn’t look sure, and it surprised Sky. He wondered what Rain knew that Sky hadn’t told him yet. In the few months since coming to Uni, he and Rain had become friends but he hadn’t told him much about his life. He knew far more about Rain’s, always turned the subject back on him when Rain tried to ask.

“Well, if you need anything and P’Pai’s not around, you can call me.”

Sky just nodded. He wasn’t used to that, to someone offering to help.

Before Rain left, he paused at the door and turned back, as though he’d remembered something.

“Are you coming to the race this weekend?”

“Race, uh,” he repeated slowly, unsure. “I don’t…”

“Just don’t hook up with P’Pai in the back of the truck again. It’s not fair that you can get away with it and P’Payu won’t let us.”

None of that sentence made sense to Sky, and he blinked, confused. “Okay.”

Rain seemed appeased by his answer and he finally left the bedroom as Sky sighed. He waited until he heard the front door shut before relaxing. Sliding off the bed, he glanced back at the indent in the pillow. It had to belong to him, but this wasn’t his life. This was someone else’s life that he was inhabiting, trying to navigate and figure out, and he wasn’t really sure if he could. He wasn’t really sure he deserved to.

Shaking himself, he grabbed the cup of tea Rain had brought and left the bedroom for the safety of the couch instead, curling up to watch the plants on the balcony sway in the wind and the sun break through the clouds in the sky.

*

Poking at the spicy pork in his bowl, Sky glanced over at Prapai in the opposite chair. He’d brought home dinner without asking, and Sky shouldn’t have been surprised that it was one of his favorite dishes when Prapai gave it to him.

It was late, everything dark outside the window, city lights blinking up from the street, from other distant buildings. Prapai had told him, texted hours ago, that he would be late coming back, got caught up in a meeting and not to worry.

Sky hadn’t been worried, but he was surprised that Prapai had bothered to tell him. Gun would have just disappeared, not said anything, not responded to any of his messages if he had tried to ask.

Prapai wasn’t Gun, Sky thought, though he still wasn’t sure if that was a good or a bad thing.

Blinking, Sky looked away as Prapai caught him watching.

“What?” Prapai asked after a second, curious instead of upset.

Sky shook his head. “Nothing. I was just…”

“Just what?” Prapai prompted, setting his food aside. He hadn’t pushed Sky yet, asked a ton of questions Sky couldn’t answer, had seemingly just accepted that Sky didn’t remember him and that it was okay.

For a moment, Sky hesitated, unsure if he wanted to ask the question, but it was gnawing at him the same way the question of if Gun had ever loved him still did.

“How did we meet?”

Prapai actually smiled, soft, as though amused by the memory. He leaned forward on his knees as Sky watched him carefully.

“We met on campus. Rain was obsessed with Payu at the time, thought he was trying to steal some girl he had a crush on, and I went to meet Payu one day at the architecture school. You ran into me on the steps, dropped all of your things, and then you called me about half a dozen names, like it was my fault you weren’t looking where you were going.”

That did sound like something Sky might do, he had to allow, frowning at Prapai.

“So I didn’t like you?”

Prapai laughed, gazing fondly at Sky, and he felt a wave of unease wash over him at the look. “You thought I was an asshole, a player.”

“Were you?” Sky suspected whatever his first instincts had been, he might have been right.

“Maybe,” Prapai admitted after a second, jerking his shoulders. “But in my defense, I hadn’t met you yet.”

“What does that mean?” It sounded like a pick-up line, a bad pick-up line.

Licking his lips, Prapai pressed his palms together, fingers linked over his knees. “Before I met you, I only cared about what I wanted, what made me happy. I didn’t know that someone else’s happiness could mean so much more.”

Sky paused, swallowing the lump that formed at Prapai’s words. “I’m happy?” It wasn’t a word he thought of often lately, an idea that seemed so far-fetched he couldn’t even comprehend what it would mean to be like that.

Prapai tilted his head to the side, the sadness back in his eyes, the crease of worry in his forehead. “I hope so,” he said quietly. “I want you to be.”

His stomach turned over as he sat on the couch, his heart desperate to believe him, but something stopped him. Doubt, insecurity, that little voice that sounded like Gun telling him he was only good for one thing. Prapai had probably only seen him as a piece of ass, wanted to get him into bed. How they’d gone from that to this, he couldn’t figure out.

He didn’t expect to catch Prapai sitting up, wiping away a tear on his face before Sky could blink. Was he crying? Crying over Sky?

Prapai cleared his throat, though, grabbing his dinner from the coffee table. “Can’t believe you don’t remember our first date—you made me help you build a model all night, and even though I did exceptional work, if I do say so myself, you didn’t even reward me with a kiss.”

Sky watched Prapai dig around in his food for a moment. He wished he could remember that, he caught himself thinking, wondered why he would have let someone he didn’t like into his dorm, help him with schoolwork when he barely trusted any of his classmates to do the same.

“It took a month for you to kiss me,” Prapai went on, more to himself than anything, “but I knew it was gonna be worth it.”

Staring at his half-eaten dinner, Sky bit his lip. So Prapai had waited, a whole month, just for Sky to kiss him. Why would he do that? Why would he want to?

Prapai looked up after a minute of silence, the same smile he seemed to wear often around Sky. “I was right, just so you know.”

Sky didn’t know if he was worth waiting for, why anyone would bother, why Prapai would when he probably had had a million other admirers, considering how good-looking he was, how charming he seemed to be, how well-liked by everyone. Sky wasn’t anything like that.

He wasn’t charming or handsome or rich. He was just Sky. Boring, plain, sarcastic Sky who wasn’t worth the effort.

He poked at his food instead of responding. He wished he could remember it, wished he knew that someone could care that much about him, but he just sighed as Prapai sat back.

“I could tell you about the first time you met my family and what a fiasco that was,” Prapai offered, as though trying to lighten the mood. “My brother tried to steal you away. No shame at all.”

Glancing up, Sky furrowed his eyebrows—he knew Prapai’s family, and Prapai obviously knew his dad well enough to go to his wedding. Prapai had purposefully introduced him to his family, the thought sinking in, and he couldn’t help how his mouth twitched, confused but happy, somehow, at the idea.

“Okay,” he agreed at length and Prapai nodded, smiled, and launched into the story as Sky sat back to listen this time.

*

“You look better,” Rain said, reaching for his drink across the small table outside the noodle stand.

“So I looked bad?” Sky asked, knowing Rain would flounder, glad some things hadn’t changed as Rain mouthed like a fish for a second.

“You know what I mean,” he said, pouting, breaking his chopsticks apart as the server set their orders down, and Sky did smile, just a little.

He felt a little better these past few days, more comfortable with Prapai, not nearly as jumpy as before. It didn’t freak him out to wake up on the couch any more, the apartment becoming more familiar as he spent his days puttering around, trying to piece things together. He still couldn’t remember anything, but did feel better whenever Prapai text him, let him know where he was, when he’d be back. It was nice to know. It meant he didn’t have to wonder.

And maybe that was why Prapai did it, or maybe he wanted to keep tabs on Sky when he answered. Sky didn’t know, but he’d like to believe the former.

“Does that mean you’ll be back at work on Monday?” Rain asked, slurping his noodles. “I could pick you up on the way.”

“I don’t know,” Sky admitted. He wasn’t sure he was ready to jump into a job considering in his mind, he was still in his first year of school. In his current mindset, he wasn’t sure he was good enough for this internship.

“But you’re coming to the race tomorrow, right?”

Prapai had brought it up, explained the races to Sky, that they weren’t technically legal but that Sky was more than welcome to come, that he usually did come, which Sky found hard to believe.

Gun had raced, occasionally, had only let Sky come to hang on his arm, to stand awkwardly by as Gun flirted with other people right in front of him. He couldn’t imagine he’d want to do that again, watch Prapai be swarmed by admirers and ignore Sky in favor of them.

He shook his head as Rain watched him earnestly. “I’m still feeling a little tired,” he lied, and Rain looked disappointed at his answer. “I’ll probably just stay home.”

“But P’Payu’s gonna race tomorrow,” Rain said eagerly. “You could watch him with me.”

“Does he not always race?”

He knew he’d said the wrong thing as Rain frowned at him, eyebrows furrowed, noodles slipping off his chopsticks back into the bowl.

“He never races,” he said slowly. “You know that.”

“Right,” Sky said quickly, and Rain tilted his head to the side.

“P’Pakin wants him taking care of the bikes, but some idiot challenged him to a race, so he’s gonna do it. It’s gonna be so hot when he wins.” Rain gazed off, apparently lost in thought, and Sky was just relieved he’d distracted himself from Sky’s stupid question.

It took Rain a second to pull himself back to earth, blinking quickly at Sky.

“But you have to come! If you’re worried about anything, you know P’Pai will take care of it.”

Sky didn’t know what he had to be worried about that Prapai would need to take care of, but he jerked his shoulders.

“Maybe next time,” he said instead, and Rain sighed.

“Fine, but you’re gonna owe me. Next time P’Pai’s away on a business trip, I get to come over and we’ll watch the whole Heart 2 Heart series.”

Sky didn’t know what that was, but he shrugged. “Sure,” he agreed, and Rain’s face lit up, suspiciously happy. Must be a Kdrama.

“Great,” Rain said brightly, digging into his noodles again, and Sky just shrugged to himself and reached for his own bowl.

*

“I love you.”

Clink! A cigarette lighter, the flash of a flame, glowing red paper and ash.

“Don’t be so pathetic.”

Smoke blown in his face, harsh, biting. A grimace, heart racing at the burning pain on his arm.

”Please, P’Gun, please don’t!

Sizzling flesh, a hand tight around his throat, fingers gripping.

”I’m bored now.”

A weight dragging him down, smothered in the sheets, gasping for breath, kicking and fighting, scrabbling for purchase on strong arms.

Sky’s eyes flew open, panic gripping his chest as his kicked at the sheets wrapped around his legs, holding him down, suffocating him as he struggled to breathe, scrambling up as he heard quick footsteps around the couch.

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” came Prapai’s voice, soft and soothing, and Sky swiveled to watch Prapai drop to his knees by the couch. “You’re okay. You’re safe.”

Sky panted for breath, eyes darting over Prapai, still in his racing jacket, as though maybe he’d just gotten back. Heart racing, he wiped at the cold sweat on his brow, the tear tracks on his cheeks as he remembered where he was. The living room was dark, and he could just see Prapai’s face, hovering nearby, big eyes round with worry.

It took a second, breaths coming slower, hands shaky as he pushed himself up and sucked in a deep breath. Prapai didn’t move, and Sky finally noticed that Prapai’s hand was on his own, holding on gently, thumb rubbing over the skin. Pulling it away, he shoved his hair back, sniffing away the tears, embarrassed to be found like this as his lip trembled.

Shaking his head, he avoided Prapai’s gaze, hating the pit in his stomach as he curled into himself.

“I’m fine,” he muttered, a blatant lie. “It was just a bad dream.”

“I know,” Prapai whispered, as though he was having a hard time breathing too, and Sky looked up. “I know.”

Prapai’s gaze was so sincere it caught Sky off-guard, a jolt as he realized maybe Prapai did know. Had he told him, about Gun? About the things he couldn’t even bring himself to think about, the things that haunted his dreams, made him wake with a racing heart, wracking sobs that he buried in his pillow so no one would hear? Had he trusted Prapai that much?

Swallowing hard, Sky exhaled slowly, shakily, staring at Prapai and the concern deep in his gaze.

“I’m sorry,” Sky heard himself say as the tears welled up in his eyes, overwhelmed with Prapai looking at him like that, unable to stop it.

It wasn’t just the dream, just the way Prapai had rushed to his side, hadn’t even bothered to take off his shoes, must have just come in the door. It was everything, he thought, as his lip trembled, eyes misting, spilling over as he sucked in a harsh breath.

“Sky,” Prapai said, shaking his head, rising on his knees, clearly wanting to reach for him but holding back. “There’s nothing to be sorry about.”

He didn’t understand—why Prapai seemed to care so much about him, why he was still trying when Sky couldn’t remember a thing, why anyone would want someone broken like him.

Sky tried to nod, biting down on his lip, hiccuping for air, wiping at his nose as Prapai handed him a tissue. He hated people seeing him like this, being weak and stupid and unable to control himself. He hated that there was nothing he could do to stop it either as he wiped his nose and took the second tissue Prapai offered.

“I’ll get you some water,” Prapai said once Sky had finally calmed down enough to breathe normally again, tissue stained with tears.

Slumping down on the couch, he felt exhausted, eyes drooping, too afraid to go back to sleep even as Prapai returned with a glass and handed it to him.

“Are you okay?” Prapai asked, crouching down again. He’d shed his jacket now, left it over the back of the chair before returning to Sky, a hand on the cushion as he watched Sky take a gulp of cool water.

Sky nodded, not trusting himself to speak, worried it might bubble up again, all those emotions threatening to destroy him.

For a second, it seemed as if Prapai wanted to say something else, but he just nodded too and rose to his feet.

“If you need anything, you know where I am,” he said, even as Sky kept his gaze on the sheets in a twisted pile on the floor.

He didn’t look up until he heard the bedroom door click shut. Taking a deep breath, he closed his eyes and let the silence wash over him.

His hand still shook as he set the glass down on the coffee table, his throat burning from crying, errant tears clinging to his eyelashes as he rubbed at them. Slumping down on the couch, Sky could feel his heart beating, slower, steadier, concentrated on the rhythm as he breathed.

Stupid. He felt stupid and embarrassed and drained as he opened his eyes and stared at the bookshelf. Why did he have to relive those moments over and over in his dreams? Why couldn’t he just forget? He’d forgotten everything else. Why not this?

Shuddering, he curled up tighter on the couch, not cold, just empty.

Prapai had come to his rescue. You’re safe, he’d said, and the words had calmed him more than he would have expected.

Peering over his shoulder, Sky could see the light was off in the bedroom. Prapai was probably in bed, not lying awake like Sky was, too afraid to sleep again.

Every time he thought he was done with the nightmares, another reared its ugly head, left him shaking and gasping for air, a shock to his system as he resolved not to sleep. It wasn’t good, not sleeping, but it kept him from the nightmares.

Sitting there, he didn’t want to be alone, clutching at the hem of his shirt, twisting it between his fingers as he looked over at Prapai’s door again.

He didn’t want to spend the rest of the night with his eyes burning from staying awake, tossing and turning, trying not to give in to those thoughts plaguing the edges of his mind.

Resolved, Sky drew his legs over the edge of the couch, taking a second before pushing himself up and turning to the bedroom.

The door opened quietly, dark inside as Sky stepped over the threshold. He could see the outline of Prapai’s body on the bed, on his own side, Sky’s side empty. Moving carefully, heart beating nervously against his rib cage, Sky crept over to the bed and slid back the covers.

Prapai didn’t move as he slipped in beside him, set his head down on the soft pillow and rearranged the covers over his legs. For a second, he watched the way Prapai breathed, chest rising and falling rhythmically. It felt safe, safer, here, less alone than out there.

And if he had another nightmare, he thought as he gazed at Prapai’s sleeping face through the darkness, Prapai would be right here next time.

*

Sky woke to light streaming in through the sheer curtains, more surprised he’d managed to fall asleep than anything as he blinked, squinted, tried to shift, but there was a weight holding him down.

Prapai’s arm across his chest, as though this was how he always slept, and Sky glanced over. Prapai’s eyes were still closed, mouth open slightly on the pillow, lips soft and delicate as he made a noise, half a hum. He didn’t pull his arm away even as Sky rolled onto his side to watch him.

He didn’t feel as bad as he had last night, like maybe he had slept enough with Prapai beside him.

Prapai must have just dropped into bed last night, his clothes left scattered around the room, as though he’d been as exhausted as Sky. He looked peaceful now, nose twitching, fingers flexing on Sky’s waist. He looked pretty, Sky caught himself thinking, hair falling in his eyes, the mole by his eye that seemed so tempting to touch, the worried crease gone from his brow.

Sky didn’t want him to wake up. Just for a moment, he wanted to pretend that he remembered, that this happened all the time, and when Prapai did finally open his eyes, it wouldn’t be with concern. It would be with a smile as he pulled Sky into his arms and pressed kisses to his hair, his cheek, his lips.

He wanted to pretend that he didn’t doubt it, that he could believe everything Prapai told him, everything Rain told him. Could believe that some day, it could be like this.

Prapai shifted, and Sky tensed, a reflex, watching Prapai wake up slowly beside him.

Prapai didn’t open his eyes immediately, stretching languidly, the hand on Sky’s waist sliding up his rib cage as he sighed and squeezed his eyes shut.

It was like a spell, a magical spell, for a second as Sky watched the sunlight glint behind Prapai’s head, dust filtering through the light like glitter, Prapai’s hand gentle where it rested, warm and comforting and safe.

He shook himself out of it when Prapai finally opened his eyes, blinking at Sky, confusion and then calm on his face.

“Hi,” he breathed, as though he wasn’t that surprised to find Sky there. “Feeling better?”

Sky jerked his shoulders a little. Prapai hadn’t noticed his hand, and Sky didn’t want to tell him, not yet.

Prapai made a noise, a sigh, a huff of air as he shifted, nuzzling into the pillow as he watched Sky, eyes heavy, eyelashes brushing against his cheek as he blinked. The corner of his mouth tilted into a soft smile that made Sky’s stomach all nervous, fluttery, different than what he usually felt.

“I remember the first time we woke up like this,” he murmured, pushing his hand underneath the pillow, gazing at Sky. “It was at your dorm in your tiny little bed, and you’d told me the night before that I wasn’t allowed to stay.” He smiled, and Sky felt the clench in his stomach. “You said that if I really cared about you, I would leave after we were done. I would get what I wanted and you could go on living your life.”

Sky wished he remembered. He so desperately wished as he stared at Prapai, feeling his pulse against his Adam’s apple.

“But you didn’t?” he asked, although he was pretty sure he knew the answer.

Prapai shifted closer, and Sky took a breath, nervous. He didn’t try to kiss him, though, just lay there on the pillow.

“I wasn’t going to let you push me away that easily.” He paused. “I wasn’t going to let you lie to yourself about what you deserved.”

Sky didn’t know why he felt like crying as Prapai watched him, why he had to bite down on his lip to stop the emotions building up in his chest, a prickling behind his nose as he blinked rapidly. Prapai’s words hit him deep in his chest, echoed around his ribcage as he stared back.

What he deserved… He wasn’t sure what that was anymore. According to Gun, he deserved nothing, was a waste of space, an annoyance that got in his way. But Prapai didn’t seem to think that, and it confused him more than anything.

“And what’s that?” he whispered, almost afraid to ask, afraid of what the answer might be.

But Prapai swallowed, licked his lips as he pulled his hand out from under the pillow and carefully brushed Sky’s hair from his forehead.

“Everything,” he said slowly. “You deserve everything.”

Sky could only take a shaky breath as Prapai’s hand dropped back to the pillow and Prapai gazed at him as the sun rose ever higher behind him and flooded the room with light.

*

Lively chatter filled the rooftop, friends having lunch, couples feeding each other in a way was supposed to be romantic but that Sky usually found just plain annoying, and he hoped Prapai wouldn’t dare as he sat across from him and spooned out the chicken onto his plate.

“We’ve been here before, you know,” Prapai said, pulling Sky’s plate to him and serving him as well, and Sky tore his gaze away from the view—lush trees and sky-high buildings. “When you still thought I was a player.”

Sky just shrugged. He didn’t remember that. He almost didn’t care that he didn’t remember as Prapai handed back his plate. He liked that Prapai remembered, though, had brought him back here. There were probably a ton of other places like this, places where special things had happened and Sky had no idea.

He almost felt bad, knowing Prapai had all these memories that he couldn’t recall. He hadn’t really considered Prapai in all of this, how hard it might have been to go to sleep one day with a boyfriend and wake up with a stranger in his body.

“It’s nice,” he said, picking up his chopsticks.

Prapai didn’t eat yet, leaning closer and smiling at Sky. “What are you thinking about?”

Glancing up, Sky hesitated. He was more comfortable now than he had been, could breathe easier around Prapai, but he still wasn’t sure. It still didn’t feel real, even with Prapai sitting across from him, even after waking up next to him, always expecting him to be gone somehow.

“I was just thinking about the internship,” he said at length, shaking his head. “I should probably go back, although I don’t how I’m going to manage.”

“You don’t have to worry,” Prapai replied, hesitating a second before reaching for Sky’s hand. Sky let him this time, very aware of the touch, as casual as it was. “You’re smart and capable, and they wouldn’t have chosen you if they didn’t think you could do it.” He squeezed Sky’s hand, and a tingle shot up his arm. “I tried to get you to intern with me but you said we weren’t allowed to fuck in my office anymore after security caught us on the tape.”

Prapai smiled but Sky could only frown, dubious.

“Baby, you are the best architect. Better than Payu, and you can tell him I said that.”

Sky didn’t see that it mattered if Payu knew, but he couldn’t help the smile that twitched on his face. Prapai seemed to light up at the sight, visibly melting as he gazed at Sky with big, soft eyes. It was a look he’d never seen before, a look that twisted his stomach and made him light-headed as Prapai squeezed his hand again, gently.

“We’ll just tell them you had some short-term memory loss and it’ll be fine. You’ll catch up in no time.”

He sounded so confident, Sky thought as Prapai finally took his hand away, and Sky found he didn’t want him to. He wanted that warmth, that reassurance as he tried so hard to believe Prapai meant everything he said. Sky was almost sure he did, saw no insincerity behind his eyes when he talked about how talented Sky was, how he could do whatever he wanted, when he told stories of their past and smiled at a memory Sky didn’t have.

That little voice, the one that lived in the back of his mind and always sounded just like Gun, was quieter now as he watched Prapai, the wind rustling his hair.

It’s just an act, it tried to say, but Sky wasn’t sure it was. After all, Prapai could have abandoned him the moment he told him he’d lost his memory, could have let him run away. He could have given up when Sky had shied away from him, nervous and scared, doubtful of everything he did.

But Prapai was there. Every morning, he woke up with Sky, brought him coffee and fussed over the ficus in the corner when he noticed the yellow leaves, complaining that he couldn’t keep it alive and Sky had to help him. He hadn’t even been offended when Sky had laughed at him this morning when he’d buttoned his shirt all wrong, completely unexpected. In fact, he’d only looked pleased that Sky was amused.

And every morning, Sky was glad to find him there, relieved when he rolled over and the bed wasn’t empty, when he could smell the coffee brewing and feel the sunlight on his face.

He still didn’t have answers to why this was happening, why he couldn’t remember anything beyond that night on the bridge. The MRI appointment on his calendar was nearing, but even then, did it matter that he couldn't remember? He had Prapai now.

It was strange, he admitted, to feel this way when he gazed at Prapai. He hadn’t thought he would again, not after the last few months, or the last few months that he remembered. From what Prapai had told him, it had taken a while to warm up, to trust him, and he wasn’t surprised. He was more surprised it had happened at all.

Prapai leaned over, plucking a snap-pea from Sky’s plate and popping it in his mouth.

“Hey,” Sky protested, and Prapai smirked.

“You don’t like them anyway,” he said, and he was right, Sky thought as he sat back in his chair. He was right.

*

Sky would never have thought, in a million years, that he would be hanging out with Rain in a mechanic’s garage. The lobby was empty except for the two of them, although Payu had been in a little while ago to check on them. He’d said he was only getting paperwork, but he’d spent a lot more time kissing Rain than anything.

Supposedly they were waiting for Payu to finish doing the maintenance on Rain’s car, but Sky suspected it might just have been an excuse for Rain to be with his boyfriend.

Boyfriend, it was still weird to Sky that he’d missed all of that.

“You know what P’Fern told me?” Rain asked eagerly, turning to Sky on the couch, as if he had a particularly juicy piece of gossip. Sky had no idea who P’Fern was, so he shrugged. “She said the boss caught P’Anong and P’Kia hooking up in the copy room at your office and they had to be disciplined.”

“Oh,” Sky said, not sure if he was supposed to be happy or sad about that piece of news.

Rain stared at his lack of reaction. “Isn’t that good? If P’Kia leaves, you can get hired to his place!”

“Right,” Sky agreed, though he must not have sounded convincing enough as Rain frowned, narrowing his eyes as though trying to read Sky’s thoughts.

“Is everything okay?” he asked, surprising Sky. “You’ve been acting weird the last couple weeks. First you were hungover and then you got sick and you keep forgetting things.”

Rain wasn’t as dense as Sky had supposed, he thought, as Rain watched him suspiciously. The Rain he knew wouldn’t have thought twice about him acting weird, would have been too wrapped up in his own problems to ask or care. And if he had, he would have forgotten about it within a minute.

But that was Rain from three years ago, Sky admitted. Maybe he’d changed. They’d both changed.

He didn’t know what to tell Rain, hesitating. The truth was just too strange and he didn’t want to scare him. What other explanation could there be for his behavior, though?

“I’m fine,” he said finally, shaking his head. “I just thought I saw someone the other day and it threw me off.”

“Who?” Rain asked, completely serious, and Sky faltered.

“Gun?” It was the first name that came to find, and he didn’t even know how much, or if Rain knew anything about Gun, about his past. He hadn’t told him before. In all likelihood, Rain would frown and move on, having no idea who he was talking about.

“What?!” Rain shrieked, scaring Sky and he jumped, nearly falling off the couch at the volume. He could only blink stupidly as Rain’s expression hardened. “Did he talk to you? Did he come anywhere near you? Because if he did, I will kick his ass!”

Sky stared, taken aback, confused, shaken by Rain’s response. “Huh?” was all he could manage.

“Don’t laugh!” Rain said, pointing a finger at Sky. “P’Payu taught me self-defense and I will use it on him. Did you tell P’Pai? ‘Cause you know how much he hates Gun. He might actually kill him if he ever saw him.”

Clearly Rain knew, was all Sky could think. A lot of it or maybe even all of it from the way he reacted.

Shaking his head slowly, he didn’t know what to say.

“No, I just thought it was him, but it wasn’t,” he assured Rain, who huffed, puffed up like an angry cat.

“Good,” Rain said vehemently. “If he tries to get back in your life, I will take him out.”

Rain actually sounded serious enough that Sky believed him, and he smiled even as Rain frowned.

“You’ve worked too hard to let that asshole ruin all the good things in your life.”

Sky was surprised at Rain, at how protective he seemed. The Rain he remembered wasn’t like this at all, immature and good-hearted but easily distracted. There did seem to be a lot of good in his life now, he admitted as Rain twisted his mouth angrily. Friends who cared, a great internship, even a boyfriend who seemed to love him.

That any of it was even possible would have been a dream a week ago, a hope he wouldn’t have put any faith into. He’d been so sure that night on the bridge that the future would be more of the same—desperate and lonely and heartbreaking. He wouldn’t have imagined any of this could exist in some far off future.

“And you think you’re included in those good things, huh?” Sky asked, teased, as Rain scoffed.

“Without me, you would never have met P’Pai.”

Sky smiled, throwing an arm over Rain’s shoulder on the couch. “I think I might have met him anyway,” he said, and he actually believed it this time.

*

Lamplight fell over the covers, soft and yellow and warm as Sky scrolled through his phone. Beside him, Prapai was engrossed in what looked like a contract to Sky. He hadn’t asked when Prapai had brought it to bed along with a highlighter and a red pen.

Instead, he settled in, propped up halfway against the headboard as he went through his social media. He still didn’t recognize half the names, but it was comfortingly familiar. As was Prapai beside him, sighing every now and then, highlighter squeaking on the page.

Glancing up, Sky watched him for a minute. There was a warmth in his stomach, an unusual feeling as he looked at Prapai. He’d thought he’d felt this before, with Gun, had been so wrong then. But Prapai wasn’t like Gun. Prapai hated Gun apparently.

He probably shouldn’t bring it up, he thought as he lay there, but it rose in his throat, a question he needed an answer to.

“I talked to Rain yesterday,” he said, and Prapai hummed in question. “About Gun.”

Prapai’s hand stilled, staring at the paper for a long second before he lifted his head. “What about him?”

His voice was measured, deceptively calm even though there was a twitch to his eyebrow. Watching him closely, Sky took a breath. He’d never said this to anyone, at least that he remembered, wouldn’t have dared to bring it up even with Rain before.

“You know, don’t you?” he asked instead, heart beating fast as Prapai’s lips pressed together. Was he angry?

Setting aside the contract, Prapai turned to Sky finally, scooting down in the bed until he reached Sky’s level. “You told me,” he said at last, holding Sky’s gaze.

“How much did I tell you?”

Prapai let out a breath, and Sky swallowed, nervous again. “You told me all the things he did to you, the things he said, the things you tell yourself.”

Sky didn’t want to cry, but he felt it welling up as Prapai gazed at him. He looked away instead.

“Do you… love me?” he asked, forcing the words out although his whole body was screaming not to, knew what kind of hurt could happen if he did. He jerked his eyes up as he felt Prapai’s gentle fingers on his chin, guiding him back.

Prapai’s gaze was steady and he didn’t hesitate for a second before he answered. “Yes. I love you.”

“Why?” Sky asked before he could stop himself, staring at Prapai, stomach tied in knots even as Prapai said it, as the words washed over him.

Prapai didn’t even question it, never taking his eyes off Sky, and Sky felt the pressure mount in his chest.

“Because you’re sweet and you’re smart and you don’t let me get away with any bullshit,” Prapai said, fingers sliding up Sky’s cheek, careful, a very light touch that Sky wanted to lean into, to give into. “You make me better ‘cause you make me work. And I like it when you’re a little mean, when you call me out, when you roll your eyes like I’m stupid.” He smiled at Sky, and Sky’s heart throbbed, just a little. “Sometimes, I’ll say stupid things just so you’ll do it.”

Really? Sky wanted to ask, to sound so pathetic just to hear Prapai confirm it, but he didn’t. He did lean into Prapai’s palm on his cheek a second before pulling his hand away. Prapai’s gaze dropped as he did, as if it confirmed something, but Sky just held onto his hand instead, tight.

“I’d ask why you love me but you probably don’t remember.” Prapai said it jokingly, a way to ease the tension as he glanced up, as Sky squeezed his hand and pulled it close to his chest, wanting to feel the warmth of it. His smile was only partially teasing, more sad than anything, and Sky wished he could reassure him somehow.

“You care about me,” he said, surprising even himself as the words spilled out. “And you know me, and you’re here.”

Prapai licked his lips slowly, snuggling closer to Sky. “I’ll always be here.”

“I almost wasn’t,” Sky whispered, closing his eyes, the bridge flashing before him. So clear as if it was just yesterday, the water swirling underneath, a black oblivion beckoning to him. He swallowed the lump in his throat, the nerves clawing their way up as he opened his eyes again, met the question in Prapai’s. “I almost ended it once.”

Prapai’s mouth twitched, and he didn’t say anything. There were tears in his eyes, shining, threatening to spill as he gazed at Sky, bit his lip instead.

“I thought it wasn’t worth it, going on, getting up every day and living with this pain.” He paused, staring down at Prapai’s fingers between his own. “But I couldn’t do it. Not because of my friends or my dad. Because I was too scared to do it.”

For a moment, Prapai said nothing, blinking back his tears, swallowing hard as he watched Sky, took a breath.

“You never told me that,” he said finally, voice rough, choked, and Sky looked up.

“I didn’t?”

Prapai shook his head, a tear sliding down his cheek and he didn’t bother wiping it away. “I’m glad you didn’t do it or we never would have met.”

Sky supposed that was true. He hadn’t known then, that something better was waiting for him. That if he could just hold on a few more months, his whole life might change.

“Even though I don’t remember?” he asked, and Prapai managed a smile.

“I remember.”

Holding onto Prapai’s hand, heart beating fast, Sky leaned in, tilting his head to the side as he fit his mouth against Prapai’s. It was soft, lingering, warm and sweet in his heart. He didn’t want it to end, even as Prapai kissed him back.

Pulling back, Sky kept his hold on Prapai’s hand but he edged closer to Prapai, head against his shoulder as he let out a long breath, a calmness coming over him he hadn’t felt in a very long time.

“I have my doctor’s appointment tomorrow,” he said after a long pause, listening to Prapai’s breathing. “Maybe they’ll figure something out. I’d like to remember you.”

He felt the kiss Prapai pressed to his head and closed his eyes. He was ready to go to sleep.

*

Sky felt the light before he could see it, flooding in from somewhere, flashing across his eyelids as he grimaced, wished he could stay asleep just a few more minutes. But Prapai would be beside him, he knew, splayed out on the mattress, mumbling in his sleep, and for a brief moment, he would get to watch him and everything would be alright.

Resigned, Sky tried to open his eyes, feeling like gravity was dragging them down as he blinked, winced at the bright light as the ceiling came into focus, fluorescent lights shining back at him. This wasn’t his ceiling, he thought, staring up at the panels. And these weren’t the soft, high thread-count sheets that belonged to Prapai’s bed either, he realized as his fingers curled around them.

His shoulder throbbed when he tried to move, wincing in pain as his eyes dropped from the ceiling to the medical equipment beeping next to the somewhat uncomfortable bed he lay on, flat on his back. His eyes traveled over the sensors attached to his body, more and more confused as he tried to struggle up, but every movement brought more pain—to his shoulder, his arm that was in a cast, he noticed with shock, his head that throbbed.

Reaching up with his uninjured arm, he felt the bandage on his forehead and took a sharp breath.

Before he could panic completely as he searched the room for anything to explain, he heard a door swing open to his left, a gasp of surprise.

“Sky!” He recognized Rain’s voice, momentarily relieved that it was someone he knew. “You’re awake! He’s awake!” He called the last bit out the door, though Sky didn’t know to who.

“What is going on?” he demanded, pulling at the sensors, but Rain rushed over to stop him.

“It’s okay,” he said. “Don’t do that. You’re in the hospital.”

“What? Why?” Sky didn’t remember anything that would have put him in the hospital. He remembered Prapai, falling asleep in his arms, trying not to worry about the MRI tomorrow.

Rain’s eyebrows furrowed and he frowned. “You got hit by a car,” he said and Sky stared at him. “It jumped the curb and just ran right into you. But you’re okay! Except for your shoulder and your arm and your head…”

“What the hell are you talking about?”

Rain fiddled with his fingers, as though he was nervous being the one to tell Sky all this. “The doctors said you might not remember everything. You’ve been in a coma for a week.”

“A w…” Sky’s mouth opened but no words came out. It wasn’t possible. Where was Prapai? There was no way he’d leave him here alone. “No.”

“It’s not that bad,” Rain said, as though he was trying to cheer him up. “You didn’t miss much school and the professors will let you make it up since you were in an accident.”

Sky wasn’t really listening, mind racing. This had to be the dream. It had to be because otherwise…

“What day is it?” he asked, interrupting whatever Rain had been going on about.

“Friday,” he said, and Sky shook his head, wincing again at the sudden pain in his temple.

“What year?”

Rain paused, confused. “Twenty twenty-three?”

It couldn’t be, Sky thought, heart sinking, a pit growing in his stomach. Had he dreamed all of that? Had Prapai been a product of his coma-ridden mind?

Please, no, was all he could think, not listening to Rain talking about what the doctors had said, about his dad coming up to see him. He could only hear the rush in his ears as he realized none of it had been real. Prapai wasn’t real. That future wasn’t real.

“Are you okay?” Rain asked when a tear slid down Sky’s cheek, unable to stop it. “Does it hurt? Should I get a nurse?”

It didn’t matter, Sky thought. It didn’t matter if Rain called a doctor or a nurse, if someone came in and talked to him about his injuries, if they gave him medicine for the pain. Nothing would fill the gaping hole in his chest as the truth sunk in.

He was alone.

“Don’t,” he said as Rain started to leave, to call for help, and Rain paused, coming back to him.

“Are you sure I shouldn’t call somebody?”

Sky shook his head, wiping away the tears. There was no point. “I’m fine,” he lied, staring at the stark white sheets, the same weight settling in his stomach as it always did.

He should have known better, that it was too good to be true, that Prapai was too good to be true. That it was just a dream. A stupid unrealistic fantasy he’d been living in to escape his real pain.

Sky didn’t look up at a light knock on the door, heard Rain say eagerly, “Yeah, come in.”

It was probably just a doctor or one of his friends come to see if he was okay. Physically, maybe, he was fine.

“Sky, this is—”

“P’Pai.” Sky said it before his brain even registered the face of the man stepping into the room, his mouth dropping open, his heart fluttering wildly with hope as he stared. It wasn’t possible.

“How’d you know his name?” Rain asked, incredulous. “Could you hear stuff in the coma? P’Pai’s the one who saw the accident. He called the ambulance.”

Sky could only stare, taking in Prapai. He looked exactly as he remembered, maybe a little bit younger. Three years younger, his brain chimed, and he shook it away. Prapai, to his credit, just smiled at Sky’s unabashed stare.

“He’s been visiting a lot, checking in on you which is really nice,” Rain was saying, oblivious to what was going on inside Sky’s head, the questions, trying to parse dream from reality as Prapai stood before him, hands tucked neatly in his pockets, clearly not listening to Rain either.

“Nice to finally meet you, Sky,” Prapai said when Rain paused to take a breath, taking a step forward and holding out a hand.

Sky dragged his eyes up Prapai’s suit, past the curve of his lips he knew so well to the soft, brown eyes that gazed down at him on the bed. He took the hand Prapai offered slowly, holding on as Prapai smiled at him.

His fingers tingled as he looked up at Prapai, wanting to believe one more time. It couldn’t have been just a dream, he thought as Prapai let him hold his hand, and Rain rambled on in the background. This was his life, he thought, blinking slowly, and he could have everything he wanted if he just let himself. And it was about time he did exactly that.

*

One Year Later

 

“How did you know,” Prapai said, turning to Sky in the empty living room, away from the large glass windows, “that I was going to pick this apartment?”

“You liked it, didn’t you?” Sky asked obviously, wandering out of the kitchen and not surprised when Prapai caught his hand and pulled him in closer, only teasingly trying to wiggle out of it.

“Yes,” Prapai said, leaning in to press a kiss to Sky’s cheek, and Sky rolled his eyes. “But before we even got in the building, you said this was it. I heard you.”

“I don’t know what to tell you,” Sky said, a lie if he’d ever told one, smiling at Prapai’s doubtful look. “It was just a feeling.”

A feeling, or a dream, or reality. Sky didn’t know. He’d stopped trying to figure it out a long time ago. The first time he’d kissed Prapai and felt that same rush of warmth, that familiarity that lived deep inside him.

It hadn’t happened like he’d dreamed, but there had been first dates and first kisses and the first morning waking up next to each other. Firsts that Sky would never forget.

“If I didn’t know any better,” Prapai said, tilting his head to the side, contemplating Sky’s lips, “I’d say you could see the future.”

Sky smiled, shook his head. “Only the next two years,” he said, and Prapai laughed, leaning in to kiss him.

Twining his arms around Prapai’s neck, Sky kissed him back, rising up on his toes to meet him, smiling against his mouth when they parted.

“It’s gonna be our apartment,” Prapai said, opening his eyes to gaze at Sky through his thick eyelashes.

Sky couldn’t help the grin spreading over his face. It had been worth it, holding on, even without knowing Prapai was out there somewhere. He just nodded at Prapai, kissing him again, softly, sweetly.

“You know what we need to do?” Prapai asked when he pressed kisses down Sky’s neck, and Sky laughed at Prapai’s wandering hands sliding down his back. Prapai paused, mouth hovering over his skin as he glanced up at Sky. “Christen every surface.”

Rolling his eyes, Sky shoved Prapai, but not too far, a hand curled around his as he bit his lip.

For a moment, Prapai gazed at him with those soft round eyes that made Sky’s knees go weak, and he took a breath as he leaned in to him again.

“Let’s start with the kitchen counter,” he breathed, catching the glint in Prapai’s eyes, laughing as Prapai’s hands wrapped around him and pulled him up off the floor. As he hit the counter, he could only grin, hands around Prapai’s neck, heart swelling as he pulled Prapai’s forehead to his.

If this was the future he’d waited for, he’d take advantage of every single minute.

*

FIN.