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It was stupid, like really fucking stupid, Jesper new that. You can’t just do something in bed without talking about it first. He’d always valued safe, sane, and consensual sex, always, but Wylan just looked so good. His chest flushed, shirt unbuttoned, but still draped over his shoulders. He looked so pretty with his head thrown back as a gasp escaped his throat. A throat that looked very inviting at the moment. A throat that looked criminally hot when it bruised, so easily, under Jesper’s lips. How well would it bruise under his-
“Jes” Wylan sighed, hands roaming down the sharpshooter’s bare chest, nails digging, slightly, into his skin.
Jesper forced the thought out of his head and tried to focus on the task at hand. Tried to focus on the feeling of his Wylan’s lips on his, the sound of Wylan’s whimpers as Jesper slowly moved his hips over his still clothed bulge. Jesper really tried to focus on Wylan’s hands as they reached for the draws of his trousers, but he wasn’t known for his focus, was he? He ducked down to Wylan’s neck, nipping at the skin lightly, groaning when he leant back and found red splotches already growing. He felt his boyfriend’s leg hook onto his waist, trying to pull him closer. He felt delicate hands pulling at the waist band of his trousers. He heard Wylan’s whines and pleas of “hurry up Jes, saints”, but he couldn’t stop thinking about how gorgeous his boyfriend would look with his hand wrapped around his neck.
Wylan had already proven he wasn’t as innocent and pure as Jesper once thought he was. He wasn’t even a virgin when they met. He remembered the irritated ‘I’ve had sex, Jesper, I’ve done stuff, now can you stop being a bitch and fuck me’ the third time they’d made out and Jesper had tried to slow things down for Wylan’s sake. Wylan didn’t like being treated like something delicate ‘I won’t break Jesper you don’t have to be so gentle’. Jesper really had to stop underestimating the kid. Wylan had enjoyed everything else Jesper had given him so far and, saints, he couldn’t stop himself. He was impulsive. As always.
Jesper ran his fingers up Wylan’s sternum, feeling the boy’s erratic heartbeat as he brought his hand to stop at his collarbone. Wylan threw his head back again whining at Jesper to “get on with it” and Jesper did. It only took a second for his fingers to fit around Wylan’s throat. His bones felt so fragile, and the contrast of Wylan’s flushed skin underneath Jesper’s dark skin dragged a moan from the sharpshooter’s throat. However, the bliss was over, very quickly, as hands were suddenly shoving at his chest, and he was on the floor within seconds.
Wylan sat on the bed looking past him with wide, terrified eyes. Shit. that was not a look Jesper should cause. Both men were panting and neither knew what to do. Jesper didn’t want to move, and Wylan seemed frozen where he sat, a hand to his neck, fingertips barely grazing where Jesper’s own hand had just been. Jesper felt like he was going to be sick. He’d messed up bad, hadn’t he?
Jesper took a deep breath before speaking. “What was that Wy?”
Wylan didn’t move “You – you can’t-“
“Look I know I should have, like, talked to you before doing that I just… look that was not your normal reaction to not liking something in bed. You could of just told me to stop, you’ve done it before Wylan, but you threw me off you like I was- I don’t know – threatening your life or something”.
Wylan finally seemed to snap out of his daze and scoffed, glancing at his boyfriend before looking down at the bed “You had your hand around my throat Jesper!”
“Yes, but you know I would never hurt you.” Wylan wouldn’t look away from the bed “You know that right? Please tell me you know that!”
Wylan finally looked at Jesper with tears in his eyes “Yes I know that but-“
A sob cut him off and Jesper’s heart broke. He got up and slowly made his way to the side of the bed where Wylan was curled up on himself, his head in his hands.
“Sweetheart, is it all right if I sit with you?”
Wylan looked up at him, sniffling, before nodding and making some room for his boyfriend. Jesper sat down next to him leaving some space between them not wanting to make Wylan more uncomfortable than he, obviously, already was.
“What’s going on Wylan?”
“I freaked out.”
“Okay.” Jesper waited for an elaboration, but none came “Why did you freak out Wy?”
They sat in silence for a moment before Wylan spoke, so quietly Jesper nearly missed it “Can you put your shirt back on?” Jesper just starred at Wylan, slightly irritated at the change in topic “look I just don’t want to have this conversation while we are half naked.”
Jesper nodded, heart sinking. ‘This conversation’ sounded ominous and Wylan looked just about ready to burst into tears. He grabbed his shirt and put it back on while Wylan rebuttoned his own clothing. The boy’s looked at each other. It was obvious Wylan was struggling, and Jesper had to do something. So, he shuffled up the bed, resting back on the headboard, and opened his arms for Wylan. The boy moved slowly, but eventually he settled into Jesper embrace, Wylan’s back to his boyfriend’s chest. Jesper’s arms wrapped around his waist and his chin rested on his shoulder. Wylan ran his hands over the sharpshooter’s arms and held them tight to his body.
“How do you think I ended up in the barrel Jesper?”
Jesper let out a breath, not understanding the change in topic, but decided to follow along “I mean at first I thought you run away cause of some fucking weird rich kid thing where you wanted to be like independent or something.”
“And now?”
“Well, now I think you ran away from a terrible man who never deserved you in the first place” Jesper whispered, pressing his lips to the space under his boyfriend’s ear.
Wylan sank further into Jesper’s embrace and a laugh sprung out of his throat, which only served to confuse Jesper further “You really think I would have the courage to do that?”
Jesper reached up to wipe some stray tears off of Wylan’s cheek “Of course. You’re one of the bravest people I know Wy.”
Wylan laughed again, but it tailed off into a sob that made Jesper's stomach twist “No I’m… well I might be braver now, after everything, but before I was constantly terrified. I could barely walk around the house due to fear I would somehow upset my father. Although I think my existence alone was enough to upset him.” Jesper knew Van Eck was a terrible person, a terrible father, but they hadn’t talked about what exactly he did to Wylan. He could guess well enough, and he knew if he got Wylan to talk about it he would have to open up about his mother and he didn’t think either of them were prepared for that much vulnerability. “Look I didn’t end up in the barrel on my own accord Jes. I was never brave enough to try and leave. I mean I barely left the fucking house. I knew I couldn’t survive in the barrel.” Wylan stopped for a moment, letting some tears fall down his cheeks.
“What happened Wy?”
Wylan lent his head back on his boyfriend’s shoulder and Jesper placed a reassuring kiss on his temple. It was completely silent for a minute before Wylan started speaking.
“Well, I think my father has wanted me gone since I was a child, I mean he got rid of my mother, didn’t he?” Jesper’s arms tightened around his middle, remembering how broken Wylan was after finding out his mother was alive “I think after that he’d been biding his time until he could get rid of me. Until he had no need for me at all. I mean I was still his heir I couldn’t just disappear.”
They sat in silence for another few minutes. Jesper was too scared of what he was going to hear to rush Wylan, and Wylan didn’t know if the words would actually come out of his mouth.
“One night, I’m called to my father’s office. He didn’t even look at me, just told me he was sending me away to Belendt to study music. I was slightly sceptical at first. Not about him sending me away, about the music. He always thought it was pointless ‘you can’t play your way through business Wylan. You should be focusing on your studies. It’s useless. Your useless’” Wylan’s breath stuttered and Jesper pulled him in closer “I think I chose to ignore it. I convinced myself it would be a win-win. So, I took the enrolment paper’s and went. I said goodbye to Alys, that’s when I found out she was pregnant, and I think that’s why he was finally getting rid of me. He was getting another heir. She didn’t know where I was going. I almost felt bad leaving her alone with him, but I was way to excited to be out the house myself.”
Wylan started shaking slightly and Jesper just held him closer, pressing his lips against his cheek “You’re ok sweetheart, I’ve got you.”
Silent tears fell down Wylan’s cheeks, but he continued “Two of my fathers’ men were on the boat with me. I’d barely been allowed to leave the house since I was a child, he said they were for my protection. It was a late boat. I tried to go to sleep but I just couldn’t. I was finally getting away from him, I was going to be independent, I was finally going to see the world. So, I went on the deck and just watched. Watched the stars, not like you can see many here. I watched the city and the people living freely and I thought ‘I finally get to have this’” Jesper's own eyes were filling with tears, and he pressed his face into Wylan’s curls “then…”
Wylan sobbed. It sounded painful and raw and Jesper's hold on Wylan was so tight that it must have hurt. Wylan didn’t complain instead he took a moment to breath, pushing himself further back into his boyfriend’s embrace, and with a slightly unsteady voice he finally told Jesper everything.
“Then one of the men came up to me and… and he – Saints – um… he wrapped his hands around my throat, and he started strangling me.”
Time seemed to stop for a moment. Nothing felt real. Jesper’s fingers dug into Wylan’s side as if he would disappear if he didn’t hold on tight enough. Someone had tried to kill his merchling. His Wylan. His own bloody father. Jesper wanted to kill him. He could. He was sure Kaz would help him, but Wylan wasn’t finished.
“He was so strong, and I was caught off guard, so I just stood there. Then someone came to see what was going on and his grip faltered. I didn’t even think I just threw myself into the canal. He followed me, but I just kept swimming. It’s honestly a bit of a blur of water and darkness until I ended up on the bank after I’d lost the guy. All I had was my satchel, my flute, a small amount of Kruge my father gave me as part of the act, and the enrolment papers.” He paused and let out a sound somewhere between a laugh and a sob “The papers didn’t even have anything fucking on them. He knew I wouldn’t even look at them. Why would I? Even with that I didn’t even consciously let myself understand what had happened. Even as I got a shitty room and the awful job at the tannery, I thought there must have been some mistake. I mean what kind of father would get his own son killed?”
“A father who is barely fucking human. He’s a terrible person Wy, but you can’t blame yourself for wanting your father to love you.” Jesper's words were whispers. He was scared if he spoke to loud Wylan would slip out of his embrace vanish.
“I only fully processed the truth when I first saw you. When you walked into the tannery, I saw your guns and I thought he’d sent someone to finish the job. I almost ran straight out of the room.”
“Why didn’t you?”
Wylan laughed weakly, and Jesper’s grip on him eased slightly “It’s pathetic and it was dangerous, but I thought you were hot.”
Jesper smiled into Wylan’s hair but tears where still drying on his face “Wylan van Eck you didn’t run away from a possible hit man cause you thought he was hot.”
Wylan sat forward slightly to look back at his boyfriend “I was tired, and didn’t have much going for me. Guess I thought it wasn’t an awful view to die with.” Jesper tried to laugh, but a sob ripped its way out of his throat. Wylan turned around fully, climbing into Jesper’s lap to wrap his arms around him, tight. “Why are you crying?”
Wylan’s voice shook and Jesper felt tears on his neck, where Wylan had burrowed his face “My boyfriend could have died, no someone tried to kill him, I’m allowed to be upset.” Jesper sobbed, arms tight around Wylan’s waist.
Wylan sat back, held Jesper’s cheeks and put their foreheads together “I’m right here Jes. They didn’t get me.”
“Yeah, cause you were too strong. And brave.” Jesper sniffed, nudging his nose into Wylan’s “Still scary to think about though.”
Wylan sighed, gently running his thumb under Jesper’s eyes to wipe away his tears “I’m not-“
“Wylan Van Eck if you say you’re no strong or brave after surviving an assassination attempt, then surviving the barrel after living in a fucking mansion your whole life then I’ll kill you myself.” Jesper spoke, quickly and stern.
“Hey, you can’t threaten me!” Wylan gasped in mock offense “I just told you the most traumatic experience of my life, you should be promising to kill anyone who even tries to touch me.”
Jesper tightened his hold on Wylan “I’m not going to let anyone hurt you. I’ll shoot anyone who even looks at you wrong I swear.” Wylan smiled “And I’m going to kill your father. What he got isn’t enough.”
Wylan shook his head “No, the best way to get back at him is to take over his business. Prove him wrong.”
Jesper nodded “Then we’ll be the best damn Merchants Ketterdam has ever seen. We’ll become the rich bastards I hate so much.”
Wylan smiled leaning forward to place a delicate kiss on Jesper's lips. Even after everything they’d done Wylan’s kisses never stopped making Jesper’s heart racing.
When he pulled away Jesper couldn’t stop himself smiling “What was that for?”
“Thank you.”
“For what?”
“For being here. For not being like my father. For still caring about me despite everything that is wrong with –“
“Wylan Van Eck there is nothing wrong with you. Don’t ever say that. You know I hate it when you start being a moron.”
“Still… Thank you.”
“I love you. You don’t have to thank me for caring about you.”
Wylan’s eyes widened again. His cheeks tinted pink and Jesper could feel his boyfriend’s heart beating against his chest. Not like his own heart was fairing any better. “You love me?”
Jesper’s smile widened, so much his cheeks began to ache “Yeah. Yeah, I do. I love you. I love you quite a lot actually.”
“Well, I love you too. Quite a lot. I love you so much.”
And Jesper couldn’t respond because Wylan’s lips were on his and it was perfect. It was like a gunshot. Better than a gun shot. It was better than winning a fight, it was better than the makker’s wheel. Ghezen, it was the best thing he ever felt, because the man he loved, who he loved back, was kissing him and kissing him until they had to break apart for air.
“Say it again.” Wylan muttered, hands creeping up Jesper’s chest and wrapping around his neck.
Jesper chuckled, his own hands wandering up his boyfriend’s back to push their body’s together “I love you”.
Then they were kissing again, and all the sadness was put aside for that moment because Wylan was kissing Jesper like it was their last night on earth and Jesper was useless to do anything but take it. Hands curled into his hair as his own drifted down to Wylan’s hips pulling their bodies impossibly closer.
“I love you too.” Wylan breathed, again, lips moving from Jesper’s mouth to his cheek, to his jaw and his neck “So, so much.”
Jesper let out a gasp that tapered off into a moan, and Wylan sat up grinning down at his boyfriend.
“Hey Jes?”
“What? What is it love?” Jesper muttered, his face now in his boyfriend’s neck mouthing at his collarbone.
Wylan sighed, hands leaving Jesper’s hair to run to the collar of his shirt, unbuttoning the first button “How about we continue where we left off?”
Jesper gazed up at his boyfriend, who had already unbuttoned half of his shirt again, damned musical fingers “I would be delighted darling.”
Wylan smiled, biting his lip “Maybe just, avoid the choking this time yeah?”
Jesper looked away, guilt gnawing at his stomach “I’m sorry about that Wy.”
Wylan grabbed Jesper's face and forced him to look him in the eyes “It’s not your fault Jes.”
“I shouldn’t have done it without asking anyway, regardless of your trauma, it’s not the kind of thing you do without agreeing on it together.”
Wylan frowned down at him slightly “True, but I don’t think you’re ever going to make that mistake again now are you?”
Jesper shook his head and leaned in to peck Wylan on the lips “Never.”
“Anyway” Wylan sighed “If it wasn’t for the trauma I think I’d quite like it. Maybe one day we can try again. When I’ve properly dealt with it all.”
Jesper’s eyes widened, and his trousers became tighter “Really?”
Wylan nodded and leaned further into Jesper’s space “But for now you're just going to have to make it up to me.” He whispered hands running over Jesper’s now bare chest and, for the second time that night, he pushed the fabric off Jesper's shoulders and discarded it somewhere behind them.
“And how would I do that sweetheart?” Jesper whispered back, hands running under Wylan’s own shirt to grip his waist.
“I have a couple Ideas.” Wylan said, pulling Jesper in for another world altering kiss.
Jesper pulled back a moment. Leaning their foreheads together and looked his boyfriend in the eye “Saints, I really do love you.”
Wylan smiled, again, and Jesper knew he’d spend the rest of his life making sure Wylan would smile like that as much as possible “And I really do love you too.”