Gentle Vunerability

by risemyangel

Summary:

The worst has seemingly passes, but an encounter with what's supposed to be a friend might trigger something else entirely. Leaving Joel and Maria to put the pieces together on their own.

You may not even fully understand your fears yourself.

It was possible being as quiet as you were wasn’t always a positive. Commonly, you would slink in and out of somewhere without being spotted and typically it was a skill used mostly in protection. You spent much time by yourself and the dangers around you rested easy thinking you were never there. It certainly helped when you needed to get into a building where your presence could inevitably lead to a confrontation. Move very little and say even less, that’s how you navigate a strategy of stealth.

That focus on staying quiet did though, sometimes take away your awareness of other approaching sounds. As you crouched down, one hand raised above steadying you on the hard surface, you had been so silent that you completely missed the sounds of steps and creaking floorboards until the figure was looming over the counter.

Your head snapped up, lucky that your hand only got as far as a tiny jilt before it registered the figure above you was just one mischievously smirking Ellie. Your eyes spoke disapproving but the rest of your face played a different tune. “You making it a habit? Sneaking up on people out here? Thought you were keeping watch for infected.”

Hand relaxing, you continued to rifle through the mostly useless array of junk on the lower shelves in front of you. “I thought you said that was your job.” This time your face fell much more flat as you glanced back to to her briefly.

The three of you had been into another building already, but it was picked over fairly decently of anything of use. Both times you had silently snuck in first to lure any out that may be hiding in the corners, though the first time Ellie clearly hadn’t expected you to kick over a large metal trashcan far onto the floor to do so. If the loud clang of metal didn’t grab anythings attention, then Ellie’s voice certainly would. “That’s your big secret? Just knocking things over?”

You had just smirked as you flashed your light around the main area. “I said it worked, not that it was clever.”

“So what do you do if you knock it over and there actually infected?”

Joel answered that one for you, “You get out of there and move on.” You just tilted your head in agreement, as both you and Joel quickly came to the conclusion of nothing being there as they spoke behind you. “Avoiding them’s better then risking a fight.”

The one you’re in now fared a tad better. Most surrounding towns were void of people typically in fear of infected, but that also meant they were less likely to be spread around all over. As long as you keep to the empty streets and quiet buildings, most of them were fine you found. The longer they went without people, the more likely they were to gather in groups and lay in waiting. Especially in cold like this.

Now you were crouched down looking at something Ellie had hidden from you. “Not much left with pharmacy stuff, I assume?” Your voice muttered as you glanced over the counter to see where Joel was looking. He himself was knelt down with his bag, clearly having more luck.

Ellie waggled her eyebrows to herself like debating her antics before drawling out her tone. “Well, there was one thing.” Tossing it finally at you, whatever was inside knocked around against the packaging. A flip of the box in your hands it took you a moment to register what you were looking at.

Only to deflate completely both at what you were looking at and her laughter. A very dust covered thin box painted in a light pastel that had faded over time. The words and image though bright enough to highlight that you were holding a pregnancy test kit.

Your face unamused to her opposite, you raised an eyebrow. Shrugging in an exaggerated manner she leaned back, now her hands holding onto the counters edge. “Just seems like something that might come in handy, you know always expect the unexpec-”

Interrupting her own voice with a mild yelp as you tossed it back, bonking it off of her unsuspecting forehead. Never one to give up before the joke is done though, Ellie held her hands up in the air one with the box purposely facing you. “I thought we were always supposed to be prepared?”

Your hand on your waist you narrowed your eyes, mouthing a clear “Put it back” before watching her retreat. Glancing over at Joel, he looked from his own amused gaze at Ellie and bounced to you in question. Only getting a head shake and a slight smirking eye roll as his response.

Both of them ended up meeting you around the middle, Ellie in the middle of putting her gloves back on. “Come on, it’s boring out there. Gotta make your own fun.”

Joel playfully nudged her towards the door, as you took up the rear. You all could have been back at this point, but he had suggested the detour just to see if there was anything bringing back. Part of you agreed with him, but also had you wondering if just perhaps he wanted to spend time just the three of you before rejoining the crowds of the community you now called home.

Was it for him, or for you? This sensation of closeness was new to all three of you, but it also dug at you and Joel in different ways. He had more time to get used to this, and a surrounding of people that helped him adjust faster. You, not so much.

Someone, whom instead of slowly heating to a boil, blazed out of control in a wildfire that yanked you into the arms of support.. Going back to Jackson meant being able to live that new support unobstructed.

Your hands trying to dig into your palms, but softened by the cushioning gloves around your nails leaving you only with one other cope. Free falling into the unknown. Your eyes glanced up to Joel’s tall figure from where you walked behind him, and Ellie’s lively smaller one. Their voices mumbling, but accustomed to the other.

There wasn’t anything pulling you away from finding a life with them now. Bonded for life as if some other worldly force brought your traumas together to heal. The secrets were out, the ones that mattered at least and now all was left was for them to know you as you are.

Strangely enough, it felt just as daunting as those first few days.
You had been given a few nice options, cozy houses close to everyone else with lots of room. The first one you paced around the echoing rooms being reassured the kind of amenities these places had set up. The only comment you made being, “Lot of space for just me.”

The second one didn’t even get the chance to be peeked into. Sounds of laughter and loud chatter wized by, your attention turned to watch the main street crowded with people and little quiet that had something inside make your heart beat a little more noticeable.

It was Maria who suggested the one you ended up in. You didn’t really notice at the time, but it was clear she had been spending some time trying to figure you out, and the hour or so you’d been there had said at least something trustworthy. Tommy initially protesting, mostly because the house was small and needed size able work to make it halfway decent, but it was away from the street and one or two house lengths from the nearest neighbour. “If it has plumbing and a front door then it’s perfect.”

You didn’t venture out the rest of that first day. They seemed decent people here but there were too many of them, at least for now. It was early morning when you ventured outside. The sky still clouded in grey with more threats of rain, and the air still cool enough to chill your lungs, but it gave you time to map out where everything was.

Many seemed apprehensive about you, but looking back on it it wasn’t like you were all that approachable. A quiet, skittish demeanour that hardly spoke a word and looked unsure to the point of distrust at your surroundings. Not exactly like the open and welcoming community here. Quiet and on edge with enough lack of sleep, you could see it. It wasn’t until you had been walking into what appeared to be a dining hall did someone broach the conversation barrier.

Your elbows had been leaning against a high counter. Back close to the wall, looking at a scene that felt nothing like the only kind you’d known for twenty years. Was this a safe life they had always been used to, or were you just particularly bad at adapting to it? There was very little of interest in your house yet save for what you brought. But you had no clue what the etiquette was around food in this place and you were still way too exhausted to even consider going outside to fend for yourself.

Now that you here in here though, the idea of asking made your heart race just a little too much.

A voice spoke up at that moment, your eyes squinting at the room too distracted to notice anyone noticed you. “You know people usually come here to eat, right?” Turning your head from side to side until a shorter figure sat at a table on her own. A kid, maybe around thirteen if you had to guess, with sharp watchful eyes and a playful glint behind it. “Just ask, they’re not going to make you wait until you starve to give you anything. As far as I know.”

It was possible you just had been alone for too long, but there was a smartass behind the girl’s goofy little smile and it almost pulled a smirk out.. Your head nodded at the empty space in front of her with an eyebrow raised. Her own tilting in more amusement, “I’m waiting for someone.” You didn’t question it but she backtracked as if trying to recondition herself. “It’s good manners to wait until everyone’s at the table with their food before you start eating.”

A real smirk fell over your mouth, that was definitely something she either rehearsed or spent far too many occasions being told it. “How do you know I’m not doing the same?”

“Because you just got here and don’t know anyone.” You raised an eyebrow once more as her expression fell flat of it’s clever one up. “I live across the street from Maria, she mentioned you were new. Something about getting a few things since you didn’t arrive with much.”

Nodding was your only response. Growing slightly uncomfortable knowing she was waiting for someone or someones, you didn’t think you wanted to stick around and get roped into meeting more new people. But something about her blunt curiosity was endearing. So you shrugged, letting an exhale out watching for approaching people foolishly as if an ambush was immanent. “Travel by yourself long enough, you figure out how to get on just fine on the bare minimum.”

Unlike the apprehensive interest from the couple yesterday at how long you’d been by yourself, the kid’s head nodded with eyes of understanding you could recognize. “I get it, first time I was here we spent like three months in the woods in the middle of winter. Felt like a space alien seeing how much shit they have.”

Someone not you would have asked where she was from, who she was with but your face just scrunched in an understanding before pushing up so your palms rested on the wood. Your nails tapped at it, their far too long length making satisfying pings against it. Mouth opening and closing to ask her name but letting it go, at least she didn’t share the same silence. “I’m Ellie.”

Turning your neck to look at her, you still found no curious judgment everyone else had. So you gave her yours back, a normal smile washing over. “You want to sit down? Food in here’s really fucking good.”

Head dropped again, pushing off as you tried to look apologetic through your uncomfortable insides growing. “No, it’s okay. You’re waiting on someone.”

Ellie tried protesting, “No it’s fine, he won’t care.” Pausing for a moment before an amused half smile returned, “Or, well maybe he will but it’s not personal he’s like that with everyone.”

Forcing a polite smile, you knelt down to pull your back over a shoulder. “Thanks, but I uh,” glancing back at the room, “I just don’t really do crowds.”

Before you could turn away she fully she called your name, “Am I going to see you around?”

At the time you didn’t really get why Ellie liked you from the start, but you just nodded. Watching her long enough to return it, satisfied with your answer before you walked out completely. The growing noise of talking rung in your ears as the openness of the street called to settle your nerves.

Completely missing that you almost walked into someone in your need to get out, and definitely not realizing the curious glance they gave you. It wasn’t right away, but Joel sure found out soon enough that Ellie discovered a whole new thing to bombard him about. Not expecting it to be the new person he accidentally barged in on. Frown on his face as he recalled that you looked at him as if flinching back from a fight. A look that sat oddly in his stomach even moreso at your hasty retreat of the building.

To be transparent, you’re still not quite sure now why she took a liking to you. By the time you all had gotten back, you felt that strangeness once again. Reaching the main part of town, you quietly mumbled something about unloading some of your stuff as you spotted Tommy up ahead.

Joel though, reached out and turned you back to him by your waist. His eyes narrowing in concern towards you. “Hey, we’re not asking for privacy, you know that?”

Shaking your head you pointlessly adjusted the straps on your bag, trying not to look directly at him to avoid how easily he knew when you were lying. “No, no it’s-” Your eyes glanced over to the others and swallowed harshly. “Just got a lot of stuff that's not mine, might as well off load it.”

His deep brown eyes looked you up and down, determining something which landed him a conclusion with too many variables to be certain. “Alright.” The hand on your waist traced down the side of your face lightly, “If we’re not home by the time you get back-”

Lips tight together along with your jaw tightening in a clench, “Just head over, got it. Take your time.”

The gravel crunched under your feet as you made your way to up one of the main buildings. The town was overwhelming when you first arrived, and you had to get used to being allowed to have some life here. Then everything fell apart one by one, but now the circle has completed it’s round. You’re right back to where you started only people to go home to and less chances to wonder when you’d finally leave this place.

A few people gave their greetings as you passed them by, the only thing they knew was the three of you were gone for a few days not that so much of your world shook you by your feet. Stripping your soul bare for Joel to see.

Swerving through the gatherings, you ignored the eyes that followed you, or perhaps didn’t even see them. Shutting the door behind you, you dropped your bag with a thud and just as hard dropped your arms to cross on the table pressed up against the wall. Head dropped in there, your legs bent you let the muffled voices lull into your ears, once again getting used to so much.

Realistically everyone had gone through something, events that tore their lives and loved ones away and filled your blood with the anxiety of never seeing them again. And no one found it easy, everyone bled that pain and yet you felt selfish for resenting people here who have their lives build back together.

You weren’t special, and you felt pathetic for wishing others emotions to revolve around compensating your own turmoils. Sighing deeply you finally dragged your head back up, transferring your bag onto the table. Laying out the guns and ammo you had come into possession of, and your shedding the ones not of your own.

Taking your time, you unloaded and cleaned out everything methodically before scratching the details down on the lined paper laying about. Whoever had been in here last didn’t even put much care into keeping it all together clearly. It usually wasn’t in such a state, at least when you were doing inventory it wasn’t.

Heat rising in your chest, you paused to unzip your jacket. Pulling out the ammo kept in one of the pockets before tossing the article onto the empty stool across the small space. You must have been in there longer then you noticed, when the door opened the sounds that pooled in were quieter then when you walked in.

Hands hovered mid air, you felt annoyed that you just lost count. Peeking over you were surprised to see who it was. “You’ve been in here forever, thought I’d check and see if you’re alive.”

Alex was a tall man, probably a little younger then Tommy with a shiny smile and a bit too full of a bravado for your patience. You weren’t even sure the last time you spoke to him, or even wanted too honestly. There’s only been about four people that have heard more then a few words from you in weeks and he was certainly not one of them.

Looking at him, you tilted your head in an aloof manner. Unsure what to respond to his comment but no doubt he found a way to fill the silence. “Barley seen you the past few days,” Not technically a lie but also not even true considering you’ve been out of the town for days. “The lot of us, just wondering who’s been keeping you away- or busy, you know?”

There was no question who he meant, but clearly not on the same level for why he was referring too them, and you did not want to hear it. Not bothering to look at him, one of your fingertips tapped against the wood as you counted what was left in the box albeit with a bit more tensing strain in it’s knuckle that matched with the clench in your jaw. “I keep myself busy just fine.”

Your tone flat and restrained, not a hint at all to him though. Alex had thick luscious hair he no doubt spend too much time on, too many chemicals on top of it likely made it harder for any real facts get into his brain. A few women you’ve worked around with commented on how handsome it made him look, but lord did you not follow what they were talking about.

“No, no, yeah. I just mean you moved like what? Last week? And suddenly you’re hardly around?” If your hands tensed even more the bones would snap. “So that’s just how it works now? He tells you to move in with him and you just follow orders.”

The lifetime of anxiety you had been through felt odd in comparison as you just stood there and felt far to uncomfortable to tell this man to shut up. This was not the time you could handle Alex’s newfound issues with Joel. “It’s not like that.”

Wow, you tell him. By now you’ve recounted five times and still couldn’t even guess how much ammo you have and the frustration was rising in your throat. Your name coming from his mouth sounded nowhere near as warm and soothing as it did from Joel’s, feeling almost pathetic for wishing he was here when you had been away for what? An hour or two?

Or was it just Alex’s condescension that had you yearning for Joel’s intimate quiet. “Problem is babe, it is just that.” Since when did he think you wanted to be called something like that by him of all people? It pinged in your chest like a drop of water freezing each spot it drips onto. “You were finally starting to open up, and then what? Miller comes along and suddenly you’re never around, and fuck if you told me you moved in with him? Pretty awkward trying to stop by your house only to walk in and it’s empty.”

Your lungs tightened as your eyes narrowed. Head turning enough to look at him with something much like a glare. “You just walked into my house?”

Alex just looked at you like you were an idiot, shrugging his shoulders. “Sorry for wanting to know where you were, besides not like it’s your anymore right?”

Your palms slid to rest on the table edges, looking down while you breathed through your nose to settle the ice within you. It didn’t matter if you didn’t live there, Alex didn’t know that and he wasn’t just allowed to walk in. Only two people did and they both knew you were okay with it. Why was Alex acting like this? This only started when people begun putting two and two together regarding Joel but you had no idea why.

Giving up, you slid your eyes shut to take a deep breathe. Letting the flow, swim through to your heart as it forced it’s pace to simmer. You could hear him ask if you were even listening, but you refused to open your eyes until your heart moved back in proper place.

Your limbs lost some tension giving you the strength enough to scribble down the rest of the details and leaned up on your toes to pin it on the wall. Head down and voice low, you wanted to just leave so you kept calm. “I have things to do, Alex. We’ll talk about this later.”

Talk about what, was not part of the planning process. He did however, sigh and flop his back against one of the uncluttered walls and crossed his arms across his chest. “As you wish.” Letting the room be quiet as you finished storing the unloaded weapons and doing your bag back up.

Turning to reach for your jacket, you found him holding it out for you with one hand and a very flat fallen expression. Gently taking it you mumbled, “Thank you.” Before electing to drape it over your bag carried shoulder.

You made it a few steps into the main hall before he muttered angrily under his breath. “God forbid he catches you alone with another man, right?” Your boots squeaked as you pivoted in place, incredulity plastered all over you. But he just raised his hands and shook his head refusing to look at you. “Woah sorry, forgot he doesn’t like having of humour either. It was a joke.”

No idea where that came from, you just swallowed something heavy and unpleasant feeling in your throat before turning abruptly. Not even bothering to put your jacket on before making your way into the freezing wind.

Already too far away, you missed the uncomfortable stare down occurring between Alex and Maria, who by sheer accident had heard most of the latter half of the man’s immaturity. Ever the clever woman, gears already turned in her head that she knew weren’t clicking in yours.

Walking back to Joel’s house, you couldn’t push away something that didn’t go down when you tried shoving. A strange feeling in your limbs and chest like they were tingling, a warning of tensity that spiked your subconscious. A sensation following you all the way up the steps. It didn’t quite all get caught behind the front door as you shut it though.

No, whatever this pricking in your limbs danced within your chest as well, just dulled by the immediate sight of Ellie who had clearly not made it to her own bed. A bowl of something on the coffee table and her body flailed out in exhaustion.

Quiet as you could, you sat your bag down in the main entrance before tip toeing over. Her own bag sat on the floor in front of her, your eye also caught to a blanket on the opposite end to her feet. Finally, a soft smile made it’s way over you. Very slowly pulling the material over to rest over her shoulder. With a shake of your head you grabbed her bag and made your way to her room, quietly putting it in sight on the bed she clearly thought she wasn’t tired enough to need.

Joel’s door sat ajar, but little noise came from it. You wondered if too he fell victim to the same sleepy fate. Your fingers tapped at the wall, debating to go in. Something about Alex’s conversation bothered you, but you weren’t entirely sure why or what part of it did.

Pushing it open slightly, the light at his bedside was on, and some of his clothes were still sat out like he just peeled them off. Glancing back at the main washroom the door was shut but no water was on. He probably just finished.

Waves of similar tiredness washed over you finally now that the familiarity of this place settled. A few tilts to stretch your neck slid into a deep sigh. Opening one of the top dresser drawers to pull out a new pair of socks, you managed to get as far as closing it before sliding onto the ground seemed like the more feasible spot. Starting to undo your laces with your back pressed against the drawer handles you could hear shuffling from Joel behind the door, causing a deeper sigh.

The exhale there giving more and more weight to your shoulder, you peeled the first shoe off and tossed it towards Joel’s and dragged the wet sock down. Soles of your heels cracked in some spots and calloused in others, your head banged against the wood for just a moment.

Joel found you in the middle of all this, towel sat at his waist with water still peeking through the thick volume of hair now mostly slicked back. His brown eyes soft as they gazed towards you, while yours looked similar but also tinged in something further away. A growing look Joel still was figuring out how to address.

Finally replacing your feet covering with thick, warm socks you let your legs spread flat onto the floor your head once again resting on the drawers behind you. “Bed too comfortable for you?”

Head dropping back as you chuckled slightly, words didn’t come as easily. Watching Joel step inside enough to properly close the door, you couldn’t help but look back up at him. Your heart beat a little faster, but in two fashions. One you had become accustomed too. Broad chest wide and expansive giving way to a softer stomach with various scars scattered about. Most of which you knew of.

The more comprehensible of sides wondered if you could lay Joel out on his back across the sheets and recite each part of him as if knowing him skin deep extended to his heart, imagining his large hands resting at the sides of your thighs. Squeezing tighter handfuls when you lightly trace over more sensitive spots. But that wasn’t the only speed.

That yearning to prove you were in his heart fought against a dark tightening in yours. As if for a split second, looking at Joel nearly bare standing above you, sparked a flicker of fear. It felt familiar in a way, but not identifiable and certainly inexplicable with him.

If he detected that millisecond of emotion, he chose to ignore it as you spoke. Voice almost cracked from how weak your throat wanted to put effort into. “I got as far as the drawer, then gave up. Forgot how much work hiking through all that snow is.”

Finding a spot between the open spread of your legs, he looked down with a genuine curiosity one hand outstretching to you. “I get it, me and Ellie spent pretty much all last winter out in the goddamn woods. Where’d you usually go during winter?”

Eyebrows raising you nodded towards the towel, “Bit of a long towel for putting on a show don’t you think?” His face fell flat and you breathed out a small laugh at how quickly he almost dropped his hand.

Pulling you up with one and the other finding a steadying place on your hip he dropped his chin, eyes closing for a moment. “Don’t tempt me, I’m too tired to make it worth your while. Gettin-”

Nudging his stomach with a few fingers, he smirked at your own eye rolling one. “If you say if it’s because your getting old everyone in this house must be ancient.” You started to pull away, turning enough to pull your flannel off. “Besides you’ve more then proved appetite's not an issue.”

Joel knew you purposely nodded towards his lower half with that look. Either teasing how getting him worked up was the opposite of the truth or his stomach that both of you full well knew you’d never actually even want to tease. Wasn’t a good day in that house unless someone made fun of someone else for a numerous of dumb reasons.

Your back turned now from him, you got as far as the closet before you felt fingers grasping at your shirt and tugging you back into Joel’s chest. Both of his hands resting at your waist. Voice low in your ear rumbling through your head. “I asked you a question.”

For briefest of seconds you almost slipped up with a laugh, but it failed on your tongue. A shiver not from the cold tingling down the length of your spine. The second time in one day something wormed it’s way into your head that you were too tired to enough to identify. The spots Joels hands met your own body suddenly so much more present in your alertness.

He smoothed one of them out to his palm, sliding down to your hip as he crowded you, his height looming over you enough rest part of his head trying to peek down to the front of yours. “I didn’t mean to-”

Shaking no, you at least sounded softer unlike the uncomfortable feeling inside. “No, you’re fine. I just...” Why were you considering lying? Joel knows when you’re not telling him the truth, why would you risk a lie? “Last few just you know, cold and quiet. Being on my own, and all.”

His palm running up and down your hip, chest humming into your back with your name. “I know you said you don’t want to talk about earlier, but” your heart leaped and apparently so did your body because Joel was tugging you back into his chest before you realized you even had strayed. “But something else is bothering you, more then when we just got back.”

Trapped behind an underlying anxiety that had never occurred to you until just now. Was it the conversation itself, or were you trying to pretend as if far off in the woods did his voice repeat just one thing? Being alone with men wasn’t an issue of any kind between you and Joel, so why on earth did Alex make you feel guilty for it?

Being quiet for too long, Joel pressed his lips to the side of your head. One high, one lower, and one just below your ear. “Okay. How about we lay down for a while first?” Pulling back his cheek pressed to the side of your head, staring at the same nothing you did. “Beacuse I know for a fact you haven’t slept in days.”

Luck gracing you, Joel’s calmness and warmth pushed down the growing cold inside you. He wasn’t one for pushing people to open up about what was wrong, and certainly not with you. No, you and him had a little too much in common like that for Joel to force things before they were ready.

He hummed more in the tune of satisfied when you nodded. Exhale deflating your shoulders instead of your mind focusing on how Joel was holding you, now it just wanted his touch back in general. The fog of what was wrong pushed away, already having forgetting the fleeting second of fear entirely.

You should have known you were right. His appetite for you wasn’t at all diminished with time. The lack of any kind of underwear when he put on a pair of sweatpants was a clear indicator the man was either consciously or subconsciously thinking of easy access.

The fact that he handed you a pair, that just so happened to also be his, should have given it away as well. Getting old, your ass. Crawling under the covers you immediately shoved your face into the softness of the pillow, something halfway between a sigh and a moan muffling into the material at something under your head that wasn’t the ground.

Bed dipping on the other side, you turned partially to look at him. Feeling stupid for ever considering he meant anything more duplicitous then the kindness emminating off his face. Hair still slightly wet and the right angle of light from the window made the greys stand out. Arm lazily reaching out to run your hand slightly through it.

Smiling at the groan that left his mouth as soon as your nails scratched into is scalp, Joel yanked your arm away with a frown before just hauling you into his chest. Cradling your back once more he had you both turned to keep out of the direct sunshine from your faces.

Your free arm tucked into you while the other found it’s hold on Joel’s wrist, as his now kept you against him by your hip. For a few minutes, there was content silence in the house, not even the hustle outside crept it’s way inside. You didn’t notice when your eyes slid shut, or even register if you had been awake this whole time or if you dozed off for a few minutes.

The feeling of Joel dragging his nose down your hair until finding your neck to place another kiss at had you fidget in his hold. “Did everything go alright?” He was quiet for a second trying to let his brain catch up only to pull back when you tried turning to see him did he just keep you closer then before as you started to clarify. “You know, with-”

He hummed while his head moved against the back of yours. “Went fine. I think Maria has a few more questions but guess she figured she’d let us rest first.” It could be comical how Joel lifted his head off the pillow to see your face clearly before the guilt set in. “Hey, this ain’t-”

“I know, I know. Just...” You trailed off, almost awkwardly.

Joel gently pulled some of your hair from being too much in your face, “What?”

Flickering up to see him, you decided to burrow further into the pillow. Dark eyes too deep and intense to look into sometimes. “I don’t know. Sometimes I just wonder what she thinks of me. Bringing in some pretty big problems when all I wanted was a bed.”

His mouth still close to your skin you felt the smirk forming. “Yeah don’t worry I think I have you beat on giving her the wrong impression.” Both of you chuckled as your free hand went to seek out his wrist once more, wanting something of him to hold onto.

Sparks pinching into your skin where Joel’s fingers danced up and down, peeking under your shirt and stopping just at your waistline before starting the track over. “Tommy made some mention about that I think. Something about painting you like an asshole, getting Maria on her high horse about you.”

Pausing you leaned your head back, feeling his neck lifted up to see you better still. His other arm had propped his head up by the elbow as you spoke. “Okay he didn’t say that to me. I said that to her.”

Rumbled laughter bounced from your ear and down into your chest as he let out a louder laugh before it tapered off to something further back in memory. “It’s better now. Tommy may have said some things, but I also wasn’t exactly in the best place when we first got here. Probably didn’t make things any better.”

More time passed you couldn’t be sure if you dozed through. Neither you or Joel had moved but you could feel his chest rise and fall with each passing breathe and the softness of his stomach press perfectly against your lower back. You suspected he may be awake, the dancing of his fingertips traced along your waistline without straying far.

Your heart spoke two languages once more. One you knew and understood, a gentle yearning for Joel to be as close as possible even if that meant part of him being inside you in whichever way you could get. The other though? The speeding of your heart that felt like a warning aimed and ready to sound, that one confused you.

His touch warm as they tucked themselves under the soft clothing but didn’t slide too far. Just tracing your hips as much as a he could before very slowly inching further along the skin. Not quite ready to translate, you turned partially to give his hand more space to explore what he wished. The soothing gesture of his palm flattening to run across your skin.

Neither of you spoke, almost unwilling to break the serene peace that so commonly avoided coming near you. Your hitched breathe and Joel’s controlled but deep ones behind hitting part of your neck where he brushed a space clear for himself.

The roughness of his own hand contrasted the softness underneath, much like Joel himself. Too often the looks he gave to people held little behind them that mattered. So few in his life meant anything truly important and yet he let you inside of that. Opened his heart and let you tenderly care for the emotions within that ran miles beyond anger or danger. It was an intimacy you didn’t really understand, but now you sort of do if only for Joel. Harsh, but trusting that roughness wasn’t his only side.

So close to his touch, skipping past your ass Joel cupped the plush skin right below one of your cheeks and a deeper inhale proceeded a shaky exhale right over your neck. Finding the inside of your thighs, right before reaching between your legs you felt it.

The air from his lungs wasn’t the shaking cold in your neck, because the blanket over top you both and his hands ran warm. Yet you felt your legs do the same. Joel’s movements pausing, gripping your inner thigh more firmly and shifted behind you.

You didn’t want to lie to him, you don’t know why you couldn’t stop thinking about that. But you also didn’t want to break this peace. So you let the shiver finally free fall down your back and snugged back into him more. Hoping to feign the cold.

He didn’t say he bought it, but your muscles relaxed in his touch regardless. So the one he danced over your inner thighs leaped. Two fingers moving up and down the middle of your underwear every so lightly up to your clit where he pressed down just the tiniest bit more. Releasing the pressure and back down. Once, twice, five times before he let his hand cup your whole mound.

The feeling of this thumb smoothing up and down the space just before your underwear begun harmonized with his whole hand rubbing ever so slightly. The heel of his palm not teasing rough on your clit like he had done before, instead teasing your covered pussy.

A shaky sigh leaving your lips, Joel uses his leverage to pull your hips into his pushing forward. His cock thick against your ass as he grinds into you just the slightest. Almost instinctively you found yourself leaning back into it, sparks inside you alighting at how quickly you could feel him grow harder and harder. Your arm reached back to seek him out, Joel using his own free one to grab it, bring them up to his lips.

His kiss was small and delicate at the same instance he ground his cock into you. Draping your arm behind so you could grasp at his hair, your nails scratched up and down the strands. Quiet hums of need held back in his throat, he turned to lay you on your back. His top half leaning over you, with his hand still rubbing you over your underwear.

Both of your arms shifted to hold the side of his neck and face, your thumb rubbing over the coarse facial hair. The worrying ping in your heart felt funny now that you looked at him. His eyes soulful as they drop down to your lips and shamelessly look between them and up once more, but they also held need. Like the tightness of his hands on you, Joel’s face wasn’t soft and adoring it was crestfallen and almost emotional.

He needed something he wasn’t voicing. Your gaze flickered between his own parted lips and his eyes before slipping shut. Both moving towards the other at the same time Joel’s kiss was rougher then expected.

Lips demanding you follow his, let him guide you deeper into his kiss and tease your tongue desperate to pull the gasping whine you always tried to hide. But he wanted those sounds to echo in his own and the exhaustion would have to wait.

Nails back in his hair, Joel’s kiss was as needy and sloppy as his hand was desperate to slide under the fabric of your underwear. The warmth of his hand nothing compared to the heat between your legs, but not close to where he felt most comfortable with you.

His tongue draped across yours with each new press of his lips, and two thick fingers of his pressed into your clit making small rubs. His touch both devouring and exposing, you had two thoughts. That you didn’t know why you were having such pockets of uncomfortability, and that you knew Joel wouldn’t just ask to be taken care of.

So if you didn’t want to be honest of what you did not understand, you would do what he deserved to have. One of your legs bent by the knee putting the foot flat on the bed as you pushed him away from your mouth. The kiss sloppy enough that both of your lips had a sheen of saliva coating them. Gently you guided Joel to lay flat on his back and assumed his position.

Leaning over him and capturing a much less deep kiss as your hand smoothed and nails lightly scratched down his chest and back. Nails carving up, palm smoothing down lower with each iteration of the route.

Moving one of your legs up and over to settle on the other side of his hips, you shushed his eyes ready to question. Shaking your head and kissing him once more. A smile across your face, small but soft at how affected he was.

On display, Joel felt no fear showing you what was stripped away. Both a burning rough need to have you,, make sure you both are here and to stay, but also exhaustion. Days out in the winter and more scares then any of you three ever wanted. His brain begged for sleep, but your hips just barley sat on his covered cock and your hand on his fast beating heart that needed something else.

Kissing down the length of his body, you stopped at each mark. Just a soft kiss, could even be called a peck but each one was covered start to finish before you slinked down to his sweatpants. Your palms smoothing up and down his thighs, his chest was far more tense then when you had been up there. A clench in his jaw as you bent down to kiss at his soft waistline.

Tugging his pants down slowly you kissed along with the exposed skin until getting to his cock. Joel’s hands fisting the sheets beside him, you gently pulled him out and did nothing to help the growing tension at your touch.

Moving to kiss the tip of his cock, you slide them down his thick length, your tongue licking him just as wet as his own kiss was to your mouth. You could hear his breathing grow harsher, but still tried keeping his hands to himself.

By the time you were ready to take him, you had coated his entire length. Your hand coming up to gently grip the base of his cock, much more gentle then you knew he would take himself. Slowly stroking up and down the saliva made a slick sound with each move, but it was when you licked his tip and barley let him into your mouth before moving back gently did Joel get fed up.

One of his hands grabbing the back of your hair and tugging to make you look up. Slightly sat up, his face as clenched and tense. Nostrils flared as he breathed heavily, and was the one to break the serene silence. His voice rough, almost a rasp like holding back had cracked his vocal cords. “Don’t tease me, sweet girl. Let me slide down your pretty throat, okay?”

His hand in your hair was tight, but it clenched at your heart too. The pinging in your chest nowhere to be seen, you nodded eyes wide and ready to listen. Joel’s darker ones blazed with something much more then greed. Readjusting so most of your hair was out of your face, you let Joel be the one to guide you back down onto his cock.

He didn’t let you tease him further. As soon as you had his tip in your mouth, Joel stuttered a whispering groan out at the feeling, “Oh fuck,” Your trust was in his grip, and the man knew exactly what you could handle. The hand gentle around his girth moved uselessly to hold at his hip, Joel pushing your wet mouth down onto his cock until about halfway.

Already licking what you could get, Joel held you there. Letting the saliva accumulate in your mouth enough that it may have felt embarrassing if it were with anyone else. He watched it spill from the corners and down his cock. You finally felt him push your head again, moving barley an inch down before pulling you up.

Never allowing you off him in anyway, Joel pushed and pulled your head up and down as you licked and greedily sucked his cock. Your eyes shut and a noise building in your chest that wasn’t quite a moan or a groan but just a needy sound that had Joel swearing more. Each time he moved you half an inch more of his length, “That’s right, good girl. Nice and slow, just like we practiced.”

A whine vibrated against him and Joel accidentally pushed you down barley an inch from the base of his cock with a moan, but he held you there. Your hands were tight on his thighs, but as long as your nails didn’t dig deep enough that it felt sharp, he knew you wanted more.

The pace he guided you to bob along his cock sped, and his stomach muscles went wild with a twisting pleasure. You sucked at his tip as he came close to grunting, collecting his words. “All the way down now, sweetheart.”

This time guiding you much slower, his deep voice never leaving as he pushed. “Fuck- oh fuck, see sweet girl? You’re perfect, throats meant to let me fill it up.” His hips pushed up a bit more by now, his grip less intense, more just holding you so he could thrust as he needed.

You sucking every shallow thrust he gave, the saliva and precum soaking your lips and his cock weren’t the only thing dripping. The pressure of how deep and thick he sat in your throat pulled stinging tears and a shameless muffled whine as Joel thrusted deep enough to keep you as far as you could.

Your nose pressed up against the thick, dark hair surrounding his cock. Hands holding his hips so much more desperately as you once again made indeterminate sounds of need behind his length. He pushed and pulled your head down his cock in tandem with the thrusts he could manage as the cum and saliva made a soaking mess and the wet sounds of just how much of it there was the only thing aside from whatever moans and deep mumbling of need Joel could voice.

You felt his cock throb in your mouth, almost too much too fast that you almost panicked, but you didn’t know which, what way. Joel’s moans were short and raising in pitch, breathless, “Oh god, fuck sweetheart, oh fuck-” barley audible but you decided you wanted to give him more.

Grabbing the hand at the back of your head, you covered it and pushed down until you once again were overwhelmed with his entire length down your throat and your own insides leaping at how too much too fast it was.

But you sucked, nose still pressed against the coarse hair, palms sliding up to grasp what sides of his ass you could reach from his back to the sheets. Your hand not moving, Joel moved enough to grab yours and switch. His larger hand now covering yours and keeping you sucked his cock, neither caring how much of a sloppy mess being made. “Gonna make me cum, sweet girl. Let me spill down this perfect, fucking throat, okay?”

You barley got a nod out before it snapped. Joel’s head falling back hard into the pillow behind as his hips trusted up into your mouth as he came. Your gag reflex from the pressure almost so much so quickly your heart lept in panic, but his warm cum spilling inside your mouth kept you as together as you could.

His cock so deep inside, you swallowed what you could but mostly you just were held there taking what he fed you as he mumbled incoherently above, only your name and what could only be expletives in Spanish being made out.

Joel’s hand finally easing up as he finally stopped coming, his body flushed and heaving. Sweat accumulating on his hair and chest despite the blinding white snow flying outside the window as he came back down to his senses.

You pulled off his cock slowly, as you gently sucked and licked your way off but there was no escaping how swollen and stained in his cum your lips were. Your head dropped against his hips trying to catch your breathe when Joel coaxed you up to him.

His torso moving to sit up, Joel had you partially in his lap. His eyes drooping and his face dropped in compete content, Joel swiped two fingers across your lips. Intending to drop them down to your pussy, you stopped. Something back inside your chest that you just couldn’t handle or even try to vocalize at that moment.

Instead, you pulled them both into his mouth, sucking them just as clean. His eyes narrowed, more grumbling in Spanish before pulling them out of your mouth and cupping the side of your face. His nose nudging against yours, Joel was so close to your lips you could feel them as he spoke. “Let me take care of you.”

Shaking your head you kissed him gently. Swipes of your tongues not needy, but a loving tease before you pulled away. You being the one to nudge his nose with yours this time and twin grins when it made Joel smirk. “Sleep first, Miller. We can play more later.”

Joel rolled his eyes, pulling you into his chest as he lay both of you down. Your leg swung across his and most of your upper half draped over his chest as both his arms held you to him. “Play later...Jesus christ, sweetheart.”

A kiss pressed to his heart, you focused on him. If he were to have his way, Joel no doubt would insist on giving you something in return. But he was content, exhausted and too selfish to let you out of his arms, so he missed both how clearly soaking wet and turned on you were but also that twice now you talked him out of touching you.

Laying there for a while, both of you knew sleep hadn’t come to either of you yet. One of his hands stroked over your hair, when his voice low and serious spoke up. “What kept you so long this afternoon?”

Joel was more awake then you, eyes open and trained on nothing above as he felt your head snuggle into his chest more. His arms tightening at the sensation. You weren’t awake enough to remember why you didn’t bring anything up.

You sighed lightly, “Alex caught me in the storage room.”

Whatever ping had kept your heart jumping beats in your chest earlier, twisted in an unsettled darkness in Joel’s at how that sounded, your next sleepy words doing little to make it better. “Just hassling me about you, I don’t know. He’s just been...mean...since you and I...”

You didn’t at all remember your words by this point, and Joel couldn’t even tell if you were actually conscious, but if your sleep answered honestly he was there to listen.

“Said he shouldn’t be alone with me, kind of like...”

Whatever that was leading too was the exact honesty not even your waking self realized was closing in on how uneasy you kept bleeding into. You didn’t think any words were said before you both fell asleep, but it wasn’t just anger brewing in Joel’s head as he lay there.

Feeling you sleeping in his arms, more then one thing spun in his head and he liked none of them and even more of those had no answer. But, Joel too was exhausted, and finally just let himself drift off alongside you.

Joel would wake up before you only to realize it was getting dark out. Slipping out slowly, Joel stopped at the washroom before peeking into Ellie’s still empty bedroom. Finding her still passed out on the couch, Joel just shook his head with a smile.

Just as carefully as he left the bed to leave you undisturbed, Joel moved Ellie all the way into her own bed. Her grumbles at being jostled in her sleep and the furrowed brows alongside almost made Joel chuckle out loud.

He found himself actually just watching her for bit. Stuck at her bedside, a soft brightness in his eyes until he heard you shift around in the blankets.

Turns out all three if you had let the weight of the past few days leave everyone a bit more sleep deprived then perhaps any of you had been honest about. Tomorrow, whatever foggy list of things bouncing along Joel’s brain would be dealt with then.

For now, he slunk back into his bedroom. Finding that as soon as he was under the covers, you twisted around to meet him in the middle face to face. The comfort of the others warmth at night being a gift he, deep down, felt painfully in his heart, that you once thought you didn’t deserve.

More than once you were told to just relax that morning, but you felt restless. Only getting as far as mid morning before making your way into one of the kitchens. At least if your hands were occupied that took a bit of strain off your wandering mind.

To your benefit, the others seemed to leave you be. Letting you finish one thing before nudging you over to something else without much direction. Good thing considering you barley heard any of the chatter around you, images blasting by in your head so quickly all your energy was focused on figuring out why you had this odd feeling in your gut.

There had been spurts of it before, small moments or tiny splashes of emotion that pulled you into the dark but spat you back out just as quick. Now it felt more consuming, like a shadow that kept growing and wrapping itself around you. As you stood there however, a voice seemed to trickle into your ears and a phantom tracing over your skin.

Why would you be thinking of those days right now? That made less sense then how you felt. Or why they would even be connected, until multiple faces blended into one. Alex had never done anything like that to you, or even shown hints that he may. And yet, the way he cornered you? You found yourself blending the two enough. He talked like them and realistically, looked like them in a way.

That claustrophobia as he stood at the only door trying to what? Yell at you about Joel? What did any of this have to do with each other and why couldn’t you stop thinking about it?

Vaugley you heard some rumblings outside, but it didn’t grab your attention the way it did a few of the others until turning to pass something off to another. Only to find a few of them huddled together in gossip, and their eyes already turned your way with intent.

Head tilting to the side as your brows furrowed in confusion, one of the women gestured to the front of the building. “I think your boy might be having a bit of a row.” Your face scrunched in even more confusion, as she continued. “Tall, dark hair, bit of an attitude?”

Being completely honest with yourself, that did very little to narrow it down. A few guys you knew in this place fit that description. Regardless, you turned to put everything down and headed to the front door.

The cold air as you opened the door shivered against your skin, hands already stiffening from the onslaught. Whatever had happened out here, clearly had died down but the remains were still lingering.

Joel stood a fair few feet away from Alex, his face twisted in residual anger, his dark eyes clearly fired up even from there. Alex himself was far more worked up, turning to try and instigate something once more only to be pulled back. Eventually shaking off the hand on his arm and started to walk away with steam still coming out of his ears.

He didn’t notice you but Joel did. The twisted emotion turning to something a shift more tender as he looked over to you before Maria talked him out of something. She begun walking to you as you and Joel both watched each other, your confusion much stronger then what blend of things he was currently feeling.

Stopping at the bottom of the steps, one of her gloved hands held onto the banister as she nodded inside. “Go grab your coat.” Just pointing to make her instructions more clear as you raised an eyebrow at her. Leave it to Maria to be as purposely vague as possible.

By the time you came back out, Joel was gone. A skip in your heart as your head turned one way then the other to him not being in sight and the onlookers had dissipated. The tension and apprehension in your posture was painfully clear as you stepped down still watching the now empty spot where Joel had been. “What uh-” Looking back she raised her eyebrows as if she knew what you wanted to ask. A kind of expecting expression that likely put many people on guard. “Where exactly are we going?”

Whatever her analysis was, it left her satisfied for now. “My house. Figured you’d like a meal in some peace and quiet.” You weren’t that stupid to think lunch was all she had in mind, but both of you knew there was little chance you’d want to talk out in the open about whatever she had in mind.

If living in Joel’s house felt weird, it was even weirder to be sat at Maria’s kitchen table as she insisted you just ‘relax for once’ a she did the work. Your hands now had nothing to do, and the uncomfortable energy you had still amused the woman.

By the time she put a plate in front of you, you had lost any courage you tried to build up to just speak up and ask her what happened out there. Any phrasing in your head re written and re worked until all of it sounded like a demand for information. Besides, if anyone was able to dodge a question with her own it like nothing, it was her.

Nodding at her with a muttered, “Thank you.”

It looked good, but not enticing. Nothing really felt enticing at the moment, like your stomach was churning with a toxic storm and food wasn’t even really a choice product to add to the mix. It was frustrating, not being able to just ask a simple question. Just staring in the direction of your plate with nothing in sight but what seemed to occupy your vision many hours of the day today. “So, uh..”

Maria interrupted whatever failed thought process died on your tongue. “Did you know I didn’t like Joel when he first got here?” Your head lifting up as it scrunched in confusion again, but she just shrugged one shoulder with a small smirk. “I was already with Tommy by the time we came across them, and neither me or him had much of a first impression.”

You remembered being told that story, not so much the minute details outside of what Joel had said himself. Remaining quiet as she continued.

“I thought he was a bad influence, and I can only assume he didn’t think too differently of me. To be fair though, all I had to go on was Tommy’s word and whoever I thought he was, wasn’t the same man who arrived. Even less so the second time.” Your eyes flickering over to a wall instead. Not quite sure exactly to what extend did she know certain details.

Shrugging, you took a sip of water instead of at all bothering to pretend you could stomach food right now. “You seem fine now.”

Maria smiled more softly. “We got to know each other. It’s not like how you get along with Tommy. I think me and Joel are a little too different to be super buddy buddy, but first impressions are almost never actually the right ones. You remember what I told you that first day you got here?”

Biting the inside of your cheek you stretched your memory, trying to see beyond the feeling of being an alien in a strange new world to more specific details. “Something about just getting used to him?”

Close enough. “I said he’s pretty rough around the edges at first if you don’t know him very well. He can be off putting and I don’t think I’m breaking new ground by saying Joel can be hard to get to know.” If you gave her any credit, that did in fact almost crack a smile. “What I’m getting at, is if you don’t know him, then it’s easy to paint him as a bad person.”

Eyes narrowing in caution you couldn’t connect the dots of her real intentions. “And someone like Alex, doesn’t know the first thing about the man outside of he’s in a relationship with you.” An anxious tingling in your fingers crept upwards. “He doesn’t like that you’re with him, and he’s immature enough to try and say whatever he can to change your mind.”

Nails tapped at the wooden surface, your jaw clenching. “Why would want to break me and him up, just because he doesn’t like Joel?”

Your sincerity caused Maria to pause. The last time you caught her off guard was when she had realized you had feelings for the man himself. But it possibly didn’t occur to her, that it wasn’t his feelings alone you couldn’t figure out. No wonder he had to spell it out for you, you didn’t even seem to realize if someone liked you at all.

Maria’s face however said your answer. The creeping jitters stemmed up into your veins and unsettled every part of your body it swam through. Stammering for a moment, head shaking you tried to laugh it off. “That doesn’t, why would he-”

Leaning forward, Maria’s voice grew louder but not in a yell. Clear dictation like she knew to cut through the uncomfortable denial. “Because sometimes men are fucking stupid. And even stupider when it comes to liking a woman. Alex likes you, you’re with Joel so it pisses him off. Joel confronts him and it starts a fight because god forbid two hot heads like them manage to talk anything out.”

That made you pause. You didn’t say anything about yesterday to Joel, or at least that you could remember. Why would he start something not the other way around. “I thought-”

Relenting she gave some benefit of the doubt, “Joel approached him first pretty pissed off, but Alex made everything worse by punching him. I already stepped in at that point.” You didn’t mean to tune her out, but words became somewhat muffled. Joel didn’t just start fights, you had to give him a good reason to set that part of him off.

Your name being called, your eyes snapped back to her, but your mouth worked faster then hers this time. “What are you getting at, Maria?” Blinking back, she seemed surprised at the bite in tone, or perhaps the stark intensity in your eyes.

Her face looking around mindlessly for a few moments, it almost felt like even she wasn’t quite sure what she wanted to say. Analytical gaze gave way to a softer one, almost with a tinge of motherly behind it. Which only made you feel more on edge. “I just- I feel like there’s things about you I’ve seen in other people before. Something you’re not sharing.”

Did she know? Did Maria pull back the curtain and see the visions floating behind your eyes and memories that disappeared when you woke up? It was hard to tell if your silence that followed strengthened or weakened her hypothesis by the way she was looking at you.

Exhaling loudly, she broached that wonder. “Did Alex ever do anything,” a shaking in your limbs took over at the same instance it felt like your lungs refused to work. “Or make you do anything, with him?”

You couldn’t figure out what it was you felt, but it wasn’t wanting to stay here. Voice tight and restrained you looked her right in the eye. “No.”

In an instant you pushed yourself out of the chair so quickly it was surprising it didn’t fall over. A reaction Maria clearly didn’t expect, calling your name as she followed you. Managing to yank into your grasp but your upper arm was grabbed before you reached out to the front door.

Like freezing ice poured onto that spot, you whipped around. Arm jerking back in a flinch, the anger now mixed with something that not only made it hard to breathe, but also felt like it was making your heart start and stop simultaneously. Apologetic, she retracted her hand but kept it out as if to placate you from running again. Your name muttered out of her mouth, but you leaned away from her. “Maria, I said he didn’t do anything.”

“But someone did.” The shaking in your body was too strong to not be visible now. None of what she seemed to know had anything to do with your life here, with these people. So her dragging something up that you weren’t even aware she figured out? You felt like she had just exposed you, tearing off your covering and leaving it to be seen by anyone. Even if it was just the two of you here.

Vile crept up in your throat, leaving you sick, nauseous but like the inevitable wasn’t gross just unfairly painful. If you breathed, it would shake and it could all tumble out. Maria’s hand touched your arm but this time, her grasp gentle. A comfort you no doubt might have appreciated if you didn’t feel as if your chest was compressing in on you. “I’m not trying to force you into talking about any of it. But something tells me that you’ve never talked about it with anybody.”

Fingers twitching, digging into your jacket and almost letting it slip with each flex. Trying to exhale through your nose, shoulders deflated a bit. Enough to hopefully let her finish whatever she was trying to get at. “And I think you should. If not with me, then Joel.”

Swallowing hard, you got enough out almost on the verge of cracking. “Why?”

Once again she seeked something out in your expression, and whatever she found you didn’t know. “Because keeping it a secret isn’t going to make you feel any better. And the last person Joel wants to hear it from is me.”

In retrospect, you couldn’t tell if that was a threat. You didn’t even know what you were feeling, but she did and somehow understands the bigger picture. Would she really just tell Joel what she suspected if you don’t? You figured they didn’t matter.

Joel was fine enough with that first night, you didn’t lash out or cry afterall and by the time it was all over you saw no point in bringing it up. He was satisfied it seemed, and you were too. Why should he be weighed down with things that shouldn’t concern him?

You hardly could stand looking at her anymore, standing in her house or being inside at all. Turning finally she let you walk out, and said nothing as you slammed the door behind you. Feet taking you only a few feet into the snowy street before stopping to put your jacket on.

You get into one stupid disagreement with a friend and look at all the trouble it caused. Alex wouldn’t have talked to you that way, made you feel that way if he liked you and he sure as hell wasn’t anything like before.

He was an idiot, before was just a fleeting memory that shouldn’t reflect on anyone except you. None of this had to do with each other, none of it had to do with Joel. Love wasn’t supposed to be complicated and messy. All bringing this up did was make it so, and you didn’t see why other people needed to feel the burden of your issues.

Glancing over at the people milling about, the overwhelmingly normal life many carved out for themselves here. Wasn’t the point to leave your past behind? Maria was wrong you decided. The past had nothing to do with now, Joel, or anyone and it was stupid to pretend like it mattered.

Cold air dug into your skin, biting wind that should have stung more then you felt. You opening your mouth at all caused a fight. You’d apologize to Joel for it, and leave everything else behind. Your problems were your problems, Joel wouldn’t care as long as you don’t burden him with it.

First though, you needed to be alone for a little while. Away from people, and push back all of the confusion swelling your skull for as long as you could stand it. You’ll fix everything when you’ve shaken off the unsettled ill in your stomach that Maria shouldn’t have put there in the first place.

You hadn’t really noticed how dark it became until a voice called it out. “You know there are things called lights inside, right?” You had found yourself perched on a bench with scraps of paper, sketching mostly alone in a secluded area off the main street. Head whipping up, your skin crawled in on itself at Alex’s approaching figure. Instantly your face fell to annoyance, getting up walk away only to be interrupted by him, “Woah, woah, wait a minute I just wanna say something.”

Keeping far more distance between you then was necessary, you still granted him the time. Head turned to the sight of the street empty, and flickered only your eyes back to him.

It was further annoying that he seemed surprised you stayed, taking more then a quick moment to collect himself and looking much more smug then the bashful guilt he approached. “I wasn’t trying to upset you, okay? You’re my friend, I was just looking out for you.” Head inching more to face him, but your glare grew. “We barley see you anymore, I think I have the right to be worried. Whatever this thing between you and Miller is starts up, and suddenly you’re too busy for us and you disappear for days at a time. What was I supposed to think?”

Arms crossed in front of your chest, you were thankful he stayed far from you. Unable to spot your nails digging into your palms harshly, “That what me and him are doing shouldn’t be any of your business. Or that you’re not as smart as you think you are if you don’t know two private people want to spend time with each other in private.”

His face twisted in incredulity. “You just expect me to believe that the second I brought him up yesterday, you looking scared was just some weird coincidence?”

Voice raising, you tried to keep your own level. Empty streets doesn’t mean the air around you isn’t listening. “No, Alex what scared me is you.” His eyebrow raised in confusion and more upset just settled in your stomach, but without the anger to mask it. “You cornered me, blocked the door and told me I shouldn’t be alone in a room with you.”

You felt rather small by this point. His rolling eyes making you feel like a whining child who didn’t know what you were talking about. “What now it’s my fault? You know that asshole punched me in the face right?”

Pointing to what looked like a black eye, it barley even stood out. Joel clearly didn’t give him anywhere near what he could have. “So he hit you first?”

Alex said nothing, and that was that. Trying to say your name, you started walking a wide path around him, arms curling in more on yourself when he tried calling you stay. Not looking directly you stopped just long enough to glance to the side, his figure barley visible. “I-,” You exhaled shakily, fumbling with your words that would sound much braver from anyone other then yourself. “I think we should go our separate ways. You’re supposed to be my friend but not if this is what it’s going to be like.”

Not close enough to hear what he said, but not yet too far to not detect the petulant complaint in his voice. Liking you isn’t a reason to get in between the only life you’ve wanted to find with another person. Alex was just a jerk, but then again, so was someone similar.

It annoyed you, coming to the conclusion that Maria was right. Something else did happen, and as you walked slowly through the street, lights above illuminating the slowly accumulating snow fall, you started to understand that he just reminded you of that something.

His looks, the way he talked to you, all so similar to before, and so completely unlike what Joel was like to you. It still felt messy in your head. Just strands of thoughts, and half conclusions that you hadn’t yet organized into something coherent. To you it didn’t add up yet, and possibly saying all of it out loud might connect those dots.

But you didn’t want to tell just anyone for your own sake. Reaching the house, you glanced up seeing light in Ellie’s room and what probably was Joel’s room as well. You still didn’t want to unload these scattered thoughts onto him, but if you had too, you only wanted it to be Joel. Alex was right about one thing for the wrong reason.

You were scared of telling Joel the truth, but not because your fear was of him, but because to you none of it should matter. You had him, you worked and you didn’t want to ruin that but not saying anything couldn’t be making Joel feel any better not knowing at this point.

The house was quiet, each step of your feet against the wood echoed uncomfortably. Ellie’s door was partially open, distracted by whatever it was she had been reading you peeked in and passed by undetected. You figured there was a little too much stirring in your mind for her at that moment. Joel’s door was also partially open, only this time you couldn’t just peak in and dash out.

Joel sat at the edge of the bed, elbows resting on his knees as brown eyes followed you both softly yet lost in their own thoughts. A faint yet new mark struck across his cheek, prompting you forward. Hand reaching up to look at him closely, Joel caught it before and kept them hovered between you before pulling to get you sitting beside him.

Worry swam through your veins as you looked him over for anything else but he clearly had gotten the better hit in. If Maria knew you pretty well, Joel knew you a thousand miles better. Already ahead of your mind, he half shrugged. “You mentioned what happened last night. I think you were half asleep, but it was enough get the picture.”

He let your hand rise up, thumb trail over the red mark with a feather light tenderness as your brows narrowed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get you involved like this.”

An answer Joel did not aspire too. “I know you didn’t. Which is why I went to talk to him in the first place.” Biting the inside of your cheek, you hesitated in thought. “I’m not going to force you to tell me things, but that doesn’t mean I’m suddenly going to not care if your upset over it.”

From the scratching of his facial hair, your hand dropped down into your lap your head with it. “I-, it wasn’t that that upset me. I mean it was, but like, it wasn’t really about him.”

Joel’s eyes narrowed in thought, but let you take your time getting out what needed to be said. “If none of this makes any sense just stop me, because honestly I don’t even know if I understand myself here.”

The problem arose though, you didn’t really know what you wanted to say. The air between you both quiet and awkward, the longer it went on the longer sitting so close to Joel felt too close. Pushing up from the bed you mindlessly paced towards the drawer. Turned so your back was against the wood with your palms braced against them.

Joel said nothing. Knowing all too well how difficult it was to open up about certain things and how trying to talk you into feeling calm about it might only clam you up more. Your nails tapped rhythmically as you stared at Joel’s feet. Eyes sharp and face barley moving, it seemed to stupid to not know how to even say it.

“What uh, what he said did bother me. I mean he doesn’t know anything about us but it just took me off guard that he just started making shit up about you. So yeah, I was upset but I think it was more of...he started to just remind me of someone I travelled with for a while.” It was vague and there was no hope Joel would just leave it there.

Your palm moved against your forehead, the pressure failing to push away the anxiety inside of it. “Fuck. I didn’t-” Your heart pounded so hard you felt like it would burst from your chest in a gruesome horror, lungs lightening and the longer you waited even eyes shut the room felt like it was spinning.

Eyes glossy when you looked back up, and you hated the image in front of you. Joel’s arms braced on the bed ready to jump up, his own eyes so bright and big that flashed in a heart twisting softness that broke your heart as much. Leaving in the dark was worse, apparently.

So you spit it out, but not exactly in the way you meant it to sound. “I never did anything before. The night we slept together.” The room stopped spinning but now felt like the walls threatened to close in on you. Realization washing over his eyes, lips parted as he looked, well you weren’t sure. Upset?

“Or, I guess- fuck I don’t know. I mean it may have well been, all the stuff before wasn't anything like what happened with you, so, I mean it felt new.” Your arms crossed once more, but there was a stinging in your eyes that you hated.

Joel’s brow furrowed while he harshly fisted the sheets blow enough you could see the strain on his knuckles. His head turned away and that softness disappeared. It appeared to be taking a lot of will power to keep himself rooted in place. Through a clenched jaw he finally glanced back over. “What do you mean before? What happened?”

His tone wasn’t angry, it was distant and restrained but not something worse towards you. It left you feeling a little weird how much that alone relieved you. You looked up, trying to prevent any tears from slipping down but it felt futile.

The room either was too small or you became too big, and you found yourself crouching near the ground, hands on top of your head that hid your face from him. Back heaving from the deep breaths, your head snapped back up to Joel who now was nearer then ever to coming over to you. But he remained as you remained.

Pushing past the pounding of your heart, “Maria basically told me the reason Alex was acting the way he did, was because he was jealous. He likes me and I didn’t realize it and I guess it pissed him off, but I had no idea. The only person I’ve ever felt anything for like this, is you.” Your arms had crossed over your knees as you sat your chin into it. “I never knew how crushes and whatnot were supposed to work because I only know what it’s like with you. You were new for me. New for all of it.”

If only you could hear the pounding of Joel’s heart. His voice but a whisper, “You had never done anything before that night?” The bordering emotional apprehension in your eyes said more than Joel knew you could say at that second. Your name rolling off his tongue in a disbelief, “Everything you let me do, and you didn’t think I should know?”

You watched him get up, slowly make his way towards you as the shaking came back. Like your neck was dunked in freezing water but without the searing cold. “I thought you were satisfied enough that maybe you wouldn’t care.”

Joel was taken back, freezing in place as he once again treaded on an anger that he didn’t want you to think was at you. “What? No Jesus, this isn’t about me.” Nowhere to hide, Joel knelt down in front of you. Blazing brown eyes searching deep into your pain.

Without meaning to, your own voice raised but the choked emotions in your throat made it sound cracked. “Obviously it is because you’re angry at me.”

His voice wasn’t loud, but it certainly had more complicated feelings muffling it’s intent. “I’m angry because it was your first time, and you let me be that rough with you.”

Finally, you did yell. The words, the vitriol, the tears still burning your eyes, it all slapped him right in the face. “I didn’t think it mattered, Joel. I liked it, you thought it was okay, I didn’t think you would have cared. Because the guy before you sure as fuck didn’t.”

It was a miracle to Joel that he didn’t black out on the spot. Just watching you with heartbreak as you flew up from your place and paced around the room a hand once again pressed to your forehead. Voice this time, much more defeated. “I never told you because I didn’t even know where to start, and then it eventually didn’t feel like it mattered. What we had worked, and I figured it shouldn’t matter but apparently it does to me.”

You didn’t know when Joel approached, but you suddenly felt his figure tall over you and his warmth radiate your body. His hand hovered around but didn’t yet touch. “The only other time another person whose ever been around me the way you do was back then. But I didn’t know what the fuck was really going on, and I don’t even remember all of it but it happened and the way Alex was acting reminded me of it, and kept trying to say shit about you. Even though you’re the only one whose never made me feel fucking terrified about this shit, and I don’t know. I couldn’t tell anymore if lying to you or telling the truth would be worse.”

A sob almost flew from your mouth as Joel pulled your back into his chest. His nose nudging at the side of your head while he smoothed his hand over your front and hip. Waiting for you to let go some of that intensity in your stance. “I want you to listen to me. Okay?” His hand pulled your hip into his more at your nod. “You were more then okay that night. It was perfect because it was with you. I enjoyed myself because you enjoyed yourself. And I sure as hell wasn’t going to judge you for what some fucking-”

You could feel the hiss in his voice as he pulled himself back. His grip bruising on your body, but not in a way that flashed worse memories into your present. “No one deserves that, including you. So stop worrying I’m going to get angry for something you were forced into.”

Turning you in his arms to face him, his face was sharp but also embedded with desire far beyond the physical. Your hands lightly sat on his waist as one of his own cupped the side of your face. The hold this man had on you was ludicrous. The calm he graced you with never stopped being a shock. “There’s something else I want to admit.”

“Okay,” Joel’s voice was rough, his heart bracing for whatever else he couldn’t possibly predict.

Both of your thumbs slipped under his shirt and traced the bare skin you found, a shiver stemming from your fingertips up into your heart and spread warmth into Joel’s own. “I sort of braced myself for an argument, so I have no idea where the conversation is supposed to go from here.”

Huffing out a breath of laughter, Joel tilted your face up to his. Leaning down he sat above your lips and bumped his nose gently into yours. “You don’t have to say anything.” He tested his lips, a small press against yours, leaving you lightheaded and without noticing, chasing his barley pulled back kiss. “I’ve got you. No matter what.”

Your face in his neck, and Joel’s your hair, the safety of each others arms served as your breathe of life for quite a while. Words were neither of your forte’s, but this? This was.

By the time something substantial came to Joel’s mind, his hands had been running under your shirt over your hips and back. Pressing his lips to your ear he did however hissed your name, “Who was he-”

Smirking in his neck, a wave of need danced in between your legs at this deep roughness of such a tone. “I didn’t tell you just to make you do something about it, Joel.”

His knuckles stroked down your cheek, both that softness and a need that only felt safe with him grew that feeling inside you. “Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t do it anyways.” Both of your grins and breathy laughs finally broke the painful, thick air consuming you. Nudging your nose once, twice, Joel kissed you properly.

His lips needy, but not too harsh and pouring as much of his soul into it as he was gifted. One of your hands exploring his bare chest. Palm flat and finding the softest parts and sighing into his mouth at how he felt. The other slid up behind his neck before scratching into his scalp, fingers entwined with the luscious, thick hair.

The pleasure sparked in his veins caused Joel to pull back, both of his hands moving to keep you at a distance by your upper arms. “We don’t need to do this right now, not after everything.”

You contemplated it, you really did. Something distant but sensible telling you to stand back and take the physical slow with healing emotions. However, you and Joel had already gone past that point. A confession that burned through your facade long past it’s prime. He already knew the worst parts of you now, and didn’t turn away at the ones past.

Hands now fidgeting in your lap, it was difficult once more to find words that made the right amount of sense. Your body wanted to say yes, but the protective way Joel looked at you confused your clarity. A few open and closes of your mouth before giving up in a chuckle, “I’m trying to say it’s fine, but I have no idea how to make it sound reassuring.”

Smoothing down your arms leaving goosebumps in his wake, you watched his jaw twitch in his own contemplation. Skipping your hands, you jumped slightly as he now trailed your hips and down to the tops of your thighs. Debating if his own desire would win out resolve. Fingers playing with the top of your pants waistline and a boyish glint in his eye and a smirk he failed to hold back. “Lay back for me.”

A wave of nerves rushed through you but leaving nothing but anticipation in place. Trying to lean down and take your shoes off first, Joel elected to just shove you up onto the bed with a huff. Kneeling back away from you to pull them off himself.

Large frame partially crawling up onto the bed so his face was level with your waist. Pushing up onto your elbows, you watched as he only slightly pushed the edge of your shirt up. Just enough to find a place for his mouth. Light presses of his lips, barley even a kiss but covered all he could see.

Brown eyes peeked up at you, eyebrows raised at your stare. Lips parted with muted stammering breaths and eyes wide dripping with far too much for you to associate one word with. His fingers tugged at your pants breathing more heavily himself. “Give me a hand here, sweetheart.”

Confusion rolled across your features until he gave another slight tug. Nodding as your eyes fluttered, heart racing, “Fuck- right, sorry.” Your arms moving to grasp the top of your head as it fell back into the pillow. Hips raising enough so Joel could strip your bottom half bare.

Tossing them behind you, Joel narrowed his eyes while a smirk played at his face. Crawling back up to hover over your face this time. “How many times are we going to have this lesson exactly?” The seriousness in his voice for whatever reason, slipped a giggle from your mouth. Joel trying to keep his face toned down, but his eyes didn’t match the sternness he wanted them to. “Alright, just remember this is all your doing.”

Moving down back to put his face level with your now bare half, you unthinkingly tried to placate the fake disappointment. “Wait,” Your tone sung out light and breathy. “I’m sorry-”

One of his hands slammed down flat onto the sheets beside you as he looked up with a look of incredulity that bordered on laughter. Breaking the mask immediately his voice dropping to such a flat tone as he just said your name.

Leaning up once more you did it all over again, “I know, I know I’m s-” Flying your hands to your face and collapsing back to the pillows as you tried to hide the now much louder laughter. The sound blending with the deep ones that vibrated against the bed from Joel.

Moving to splay your hands up around your head, you shook your head mostly at yourself as Joel did but also towards you. He himself moved to straddle your thighs, pulling his shirt off as he did so. “Jesus, you’re a mess.” Behind the faint light, the stature he loomed over you with you could see the dimple in his left cheek as he still smiled at you.

It was the lightest your heart felt in days, looking up at Joel this way. Smile and laughter on his face as he undressed himself with no bravado or show. Just wanting to feel your skin on his. “Getting tired of me already, Miller?”

Getting as far as his belt unbuckled and zipper pulled down, Joel situated himself properly. Taking your thighs into his hands and moving them. One wide, foot almost off the bed and the other draped gently over his shoulder. Mouth pressing more small kisses to your mound before resting his forehead in that very spot, his brown curls splayed over your skin.

Your limbs tensed as you felt heavy breathing between your legs, thinking he was trying to even out his breath. Muffled your chest pushed forward in need as he mumbled against you so close his nose was right near your clit. “Asking the impossible, sweet girl.”

Taking your response right out of your mouth by gracing you with his. Starting with good intentions, Joel’s gentle brushes of his tongue against your clit fell through at your high pitched gasp. Handfuls of your thighs now being left marks with his grip, Joel quickly moved downwards. Soaking you more with his saliva then you gave him to start with.

Tongue licking right back up to your clit and down again, each iteration of his path proving more aggressive then the other. More needy. One of his hands reached up to grip your waist and the other attached to your hip. His strength enough to pull you up to his mouth higher above the sheets as his tongue and lips send waves of pleasure through your core and up into your heart.

Back arching as his tongue slipped over the sensitive spot inside of you like he so greedily loved to exploit. The more intense he could make your orgasm, the more excuses he had to stay between your thighs. Licking and tasting you for hours.

Joel could lose himself, his cock in your mouth, but the taste of you on his, did far more. Hand on your thigh moved roughly across your skin to cup what of your pussy his mouth wasn’t touching. Rubbing his thumb harshly over your clit and groaning at how much more wet it made you. His dark eyes spying on how your hands scrunched in your hair as you tried to grind you hips to not lose his touch.

His name mumbling off your lips, Joel licked from your clit to as deep into your pussy he could get before pulling away. His facial hair a slight more wet then you saw him before. Sitting up as well as he could from his front splayed out on the bed, his call of your name was much more commanding then your mindless beg.

Two thick fingers slid into your pussy as Joel’s eyes shut and jaw clenched at how smoothly he could sink into you, yet how tight you felt around them already. Head dropped even though yours raised to his. He watched how slick you made his fingers, breathing harshly through his nose Joel was unable to stop himself from sliding in a third finger.

The gasping, “God- oh please.” It almost hurt to try so hard to focus on Joel. Your insides burned and twisted so much it threatened to reach your eyes. His nostrils flared as he looked over you pumping fingers with as much vigor as his mouth had.

Joel hovered his palm over your body, up to the ceiling as he stroked his thumb over you. “Come here.”

It genuinely took you a moment to realize he wanted your hand, but when you returned the gesture Joel kept it soft. Pulling it up to his mouth. The scratching of his slightly wet facial hair against the warm kiss he pressed to the back of your hand. The movement forcing you to sit up enough that his fingers slid deep without him having to thrust them back himself.

Joel rested it over his shoulder, and cupped the side of your neck, mumbling your name. “Do you feel good, sweetheart?”

It wasn’t mocking, teasing, no patronizing joy. He looked so serious for how out of breathe and falling apart he was making you underneath him. You nodded, but he narrowed his eyes. Bumping the bottom of your chin up with a knuckle, you leaned up more to his mouth. “Yes, yes. You- fuck. You always make me feel so good,”

Something that looked more animalistic snarled against his face, leaning his lips to brush over yours as he spoke. “This is how you deserve to feel, understand? No less.” Unable to stop his lack of self control, Joel roughly kissed you. His tongue making you taste yourself as he licked into your mouth before pulling back. Your mouths both wet and his kiss sloppy. “I’ve got you, and I always will.”

Nodding, your core tensed up as his three fingers mixed with the harsh pressure on your clit started to hiccup your breathe. “I- I...” The closer he brought you to orgasm the harder it was to speak, but Joel understood you. He always does.

Nodding he tucked your face into his neck for a moment. “I know, sweetheart. Me too. Now you’re going to cum for me.” Letting you fall back onto the sheets, Joel moved so quickly that he yanked your hips up to his mouth after shuffling back. “Let me have a taste, okay?”

His mouth licking into your pussy deep and soaked even more, you nodded as tears slowly made their way down the corner of your eyes. “Anything you want, anything,”

You think he might have mumbled something as he tasted you but it wasn’t loud enough over the wet sounds his mouth made on you. His hands bruising tight as he held you, your body arching and tensing as the white hot coiling pleasure found its breaking point.

Joel kept your hips pinned to the bed as he took everything you had. Your orgasm snapped, name cried from his mouth as you slammed both hands over it to stay quiet but the muffle still danced in Joel’s ears. “Good girl, perfect fucking cunt.”

The noise in your body and head didn’t die down however. It trailed off into more and more winding pleasure as you gasped Joels name. The shake of his head between your legs making you moan even more. Joel’s fingers wasted no time in replacing his mouth as he leaned up.

Kiss once again just as sloppy and soaked as your pussy was. He painted the inside of your mouth with your taste on his tongue. Barley able to make himself pull back, he cupped the back of your head to keep you looking into his eyes.

“I told you, I got you. Just lay back for me, that’s all I want you to do.” He left you with one last kiss to your lips before settling down between you once more.

Hardly realizing that barley a few minutes into getting his mouth on you again had Joel’s hips grinding into the sheets until soaking his jeans. You watched as he sat up aggressively, almost frustrated at the interruption, tearing them off and leaving him completely naked. Cock wet with his own precum and still half hard before moving back.

Joel didn’t take you that way, as far as you knew. His tongue inside you and muffled words coaxing you to relax into sleep. Deep in your dreams a pleasure your unconscious mind didn't quite grapple continued to stay with you.

You weren’t sure if Joel fucked you, or just the bed so much that it kept your thighs and the sheets sticky even as you both woke up in the others arms in the early hours of the morning. Though Joel was quite serious about not having sex with you while asleep when you asked, though something about the shy flash in your eye and interestingly nervous fidget had his cock stir way too early.

Kissing his way up your neck to your ear, “Just can’t stop being so filthy can you?” There was neither a firm yes or no that morning, but it didn’t stop both of you from thinking about it the rest of the day.

You and Joel looked nothing like the calm harmony that his brother had, but it worked. He let you in a long time prior, and you kept discovering that he would accept your pasts without fuss.

To your amusement however, on his snarkier days, Joel did indeed make you playfully feel stupid for thinking he’d ever see you otherwise.

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 8 of Joel Miller X Reader Series