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Carina was surprised when she got to the station and everyone was whispering over the news, looking at her as if she should have some explanation. Warren quickly took her aside and asked her if she had known anything about Maya, but the truth was that, since the night she went to check up on her with the lousy excuse of needing her shampoo and coats, they haven't crossed a word. He imagined that was the case, but still all the guys were hoping for a different answer, Maya was her wife after all.
"Beckett just told us that she quit, yesterday," he said, making her heart drop, because this wasn't something she was expecting. Maya quitting, never. "She is not even putting her two weeks' notice, she just left her resignation letter over his desk and was gone."
Carina knew by then that the day after her visit, Teddy had given her the clear to go back to desk duty until she fully recovered from her injuries and could resume her activities. She actually thought she would see her there that morning, which was why she arrived later than usual, she was avoiding the moment when they would look at each other and wouldn't know how to act and what to say.
"Do you know where she could be?" Warren asked. "If she is alright?"
"How could I know, Ben?" Carina replied exasperated, hearing the same questions from everyone she knew was getting tired. "I don't live with her anymore." She rolled her eyes and continued with her work at the clinic, ordering the medical implements in the cabinets.
The Italian thought of calling her wife many times during the morning, she was worried. Maya never had a plan B for her life. They had talked about it on many occasions but she couldn't go back to running and she had put all her energy into firefighting, all her time learning about it, training. What was she going to do now? It was crazy.
By noon Carina had asked Andy and Vic to call her, but the answer was the same, they already had and Maya wasn't picking up. The phone wasn't even ringing, it was going straight to voicemail. So she decided to call Diane, maybe they had spoken about it, and even if she refused to tell her anything because of her patient-doctor confidentiality, she could get something out of the conversation, a silence just a second longer than expected, a don't worry, Maya is okay. Yet, Diane was as unaware as everyone else on the reasons the blonde could have to do something so drastic. She only managed to advise to go and see her in person. But Carina felt it was contradictory to what she herself had asked of her wife that night. More time, space, she wasn't ready to get back together or even have a deeper conversation, which is why she had such a hard time making the decision to just show up at the apartment again. A few minutes later she was called to an emergency at the hospital and decided to concentrate on her work, she would figure out what to do later. Besides, she was more likely to find her at home at night than in the afternoon. At that hour she might just make the trip in vain.
It was around 10 p.m. when she opened the door of her former home. Carina expected to be received like the last time, with her wife hurrying to the hall to see who had just disrupted her sleep. But no, no light was turned on, Maya didn't come out and she could just feel an eerie silence. Carina put her keys back in her coat pocket and walked quietly toward the main bedroom, she didn't want to wake Maya up, she must have been sleeping, but when she walked in she saw nothing but a ripped piece of paper over a notebook on the mattress, she turned on the light, picking it up with her heart on her throat. What the hell did that letter say?
It was a list of thoughts:
"I will be better." It was a stupid thing to say. It wasn't enough.
Everyone is right, Carina deserves better than me.
She had a smile that I haven't seen in months. I could even hear her laugh. I miss that laugh, I miss her voice.
But everyone is right, she deserves better. And I will never really be that much better.
Losers don't deserve love.
You have to stop. Stop thinking of her. Stop wishing her back. She is gone, she deserves better.
She already found better.
Let her go.
Erase her phone number and email from your contacts.
Must stop contacting her.
Must quit thinking of her.
Must move.
Must stop.
The phrases that were stricken were obviously things Maya had already done. But there were some she didn't quite understand. What did Maya mean by She already found better or She had a smile that I haven't seen in months. I could even hear her laugh.
The only thing that she could think of was that Maya had seen her somewhere.
She already found better.
What was she talking about? The Italian couldn't imagine what Maya was referring to. She barely got out on all those days. It was from the hotel to the hospital and then from the hospital to the hotel. If there was a clinic day at the station, she would deviate, if not, she felt no need. She was too sad to even think of making a chill plan, but then…
"No," Carina said to herself. It couldn't be it. That outing hadn't really mattered, it was nothing, besides what Maya would be doing at the Café near the hospital. "Impossibile."
That morning at the station, Carina had made it clear to her patient that she would love to make new friends and go out for coffee, but it couldn't be a date since she was still married and, despite all of their problems, she loved her wife and would never do that to her. Pam accepted her reply and apologized again, she had been out of place and left the station a little embarrassed. But, the next day, after a very agitated night from her baby, Pam decided to drop by the hospital to find Carina and get her professional opinion. She was truly scared that the pains could be early labor. After doing another ultrasound and concluding it was probably something she ate, Pam offered to treat her to that coffee in a strictly friendly scenario and Carina accepted because she needed a break from all the talk and the whispers at the hospital or the station. From the I'm sorry or the how are you doing, how is Maya doing, the are you okay, from anything that kept reminding her of the pain that the past three months have been.
Still, the feeling that Maya had witnessed that interaction bothered her as much as not finding her there. Where could she have gone?
Carina left the list over the bed and walked out turning the light off when she heard a soft sob coming from the guest room. The door was slightly opened, it was dark, but as soon as she pushed and let the moonlight of the hall window illuminate inside she saw Maya there, in bed, under the covers, with the biggest headphones she owned, obviously listening to music. She noticed something else and it was that Maya was crying, her sobbing was intermittent, her chest forcefully exhaling her complaints, her pain. Maya was embracing herself with her arms crossed over her chest, holding the cover tight, and with her eyes closed, but clearly wet.
It was painful to see her like that, as if she was a little child that needed to disappear from her surroundings, like the silence of the place hurt her, like her loneliness overwhelmed her and she needed to hide.
Carina stood there, until her sobbings became heavy breaths and she realized her wife had fallen asleep. And, although she understood that staying there without talking to Maya first could be confusing, she went back to her room and looked for a pair of Maya's pajamas, finding none. It was then that she realized maya had moved to the guest room as her main one, her clothes now all in the other closet. She quietly opened one drawer and took a shirt out, going to the bathroom to take all her clothes off and get ready to get in bed with her wife.
She did it quietly, she managed to release the covers from Maya's tired hands and settled next to her, covering her body, watching her still sigh her grief. She didn't know how long it took until Maya began to feel the discomfort of the headphones and she woke up with a bit of pain.
"Hey," Carina said when Maya finally opened her eyes and realized her presence. The blonde said nothing in return, she didn't even hear her over the music still playing. Carina then proceeded to help her take them from her head and left them over the nightstand repeating: "Hey."
Maya still didn't reply, she thought she had planned everything so this wouldn't happen and kept looking at her, analyzing the reasons why Carina would get into bed with her.
"I left all your things ordered in the bathroom, you can take them," her broken voice gave Carina chills. Maya had been crying, it was obvious and she had no more strength in her throat to be able to speak, her voice was husky, just as if she was sick. "I also bought another shampoo if you need it. It's over the counter."
"I'm not here for shampoo," Carina sweetly said, arranging a strand of hair behind her ear.
"Your clothes are still where you left them, I washed some of them but they are already in the closet," Maya said, thinking that if Carina wasn't there for her beauty products, she surely needed an outfit.
"I don't need my clothes," Carina confirmed, looking at how Maya would struggle finding an answer.
"Your coffee maker… I washed it and it's over the kitchen island, also your bags of coffee and your cheeses."
Carina felt too bad to smile. It was sad that Maya had considered those things important, but yet again, she had been there two days prior taking a half-empty bottle of shampoo.
"Is that why you are here?" The Italian asked, arriving at her own conclusions. "Is that why you are sleeping in this room with headphones on, hiding?"
Maya didn't know how to answer that. She was an emotional mess and she knew it, which didn't let her think past her pain.
"You didn't want to see me if I came for something else?" Carina supposed, and it hurt because, the other night she went by the apartment, the shampoo and the coats had been an excuse to see her, even if she was still hurt and angry, Carina needed to see how Maya was doing.
Although the blonde didn't admit it, the answer to Carina's question was yes. She didn't want to go through that same experience again, with her wife leaving her without saying an I love you back. Carina had asked her for time, for space, and she should comply, right? She should make it easier for her to wrap her life away. Because, the idea of her never being good enough, had settled the moment she saw Carina with that pregnant lady, laughing and being happy, a happiness that she was sure she could never offer her again, because she was broken, and broken things never quite work as they should. That, added to the constant murmurs that she heard from her neighbors and that surely everyone at the station repeated as well, of how Carina deserved better than her, left her in that state, defeated.
"Everything is ready, you can take it, take everything," Maya insisted.
"I already told you, I'm not here for that," Carina replied in the sweetest and gentlest way she could, but Maya wasn't listening to tone, her defensiveness was fighting reason inside. She had just started working on her triggers with Diane and, mentally, she was weak.
Maya took a deep breath, holding it in because the idea that then came to mind was even more terrible and she wasn't sure she was going to be able to keep it together. She held it in, until…
"I'm… I…I'm… not rea-dy, I'm n-ot read-y."
"Maya—"
The blonde started crying, unable to hold her sadness any longer, not being able to control her tears, murmuring the same words: she wasn't ready, she wasn't ready yet, please, she wasn't ready.
Carina let her release all she was holding inside for a few minutes and said:
"You are not ready for what, bambina," she asked in a whisper, caressing her wet cheek.
Maya didn't comprehend why Carina was being so soft, when two days ago she had barely been kind. And it dawned on her, she needed to calm herself down. Want it to or not, she would have to do it, and she had already made herself the promise not to set her wife back even more.
"Give me a couple of days and I'll sign anything," she said with a more fluid speech, again regaining her strength. If there is something she knew was how to sit with pain, right? That didn't mean that a flash of it didn't run through her veins each time she pronounced a word.
"What are you talking about?" Carina said, moving her hand to her wife's back, getting a bit closer.
"I lost you," Maya whispered. "And it's… hard, losing it's hard, but I have to learn how to lose, because going after every win is what got us here."
"Maya, I just said I wasn't ready to jump back into us as if nothing had happened, not that I didn't want to or that eventually I wouldn't be ready."
"It's okay," Maya said as if she was accepting her defeat. "You should go, be happy, you deserve—"
"Better?" Carina completed, remembering the word that constantly repeated itself on that list. "You are good enough."
"No, I'm not."
"Maya, you've always been enough for me, more," Carina reassured, yet Maya wasn't buying it, she had convinced herself that she had lost and she had to learn to live with that, even when all she wanted was Carina back. "What happened the other night, when you were so ready to fight for me? Why did you quit? Why are you here in this room? Why are you talking as if we are going to divorce or something?"
"Jack called yesterday. He told me you were flirting with a patient at the clinic," Maya started, information that Carina took not only as a surprise but as a stab in the back. "He thought that maybe I should try to talk to you. That you deserved better than me doing nothing to win you back after what happened."
"He said what?" Carina was furious.
"It's okay," Maya murmured, losing her voice completely half-way. "It's okay."
"It's not true, I mean she did say some stuff, but I made it clear that I was married and that it would never happen."
"Then why were you at that coffee shop with her," Maya confessed she had seen her. "It's okay, Carina."
"Maya, I would never cheat on you," the Italian tried defending herself. She just wanted to kill Jack and erase the past couple of days.
"Is it really cheating when I said we were done? When I destroyed us? Is it really cheating?"
"You know, I'm going to kill him for putting these ideas in your mind. And yeah, it's cheating for me, and I would never, Maya. You should know that," Carina said upset, not at Maya but at that man that just didn't know when to shut up.
"I know that no matter what I do, it won't be enough for what I put you through."
"Yeah, you messed up, you hurt me, you broke my heart, Maya. But that doesn't mean you are not enough, that doesn't mean you stop fighting. I deserve to be fought for. You once promised me you would spend every day trying to convince me to trust you again. So, are you going to fight for me? For us? Or are you set to quit everything now?" Carina knew she sounded insensitive, but all of these were absurd to her. They needed to work through it, not set it all on fire and watch from afar how their relationship dissipated in the air.
"I love you," Maya said. "And I've missed you. But—"
"No buts. This ends here!" Carina said, putting her foot down. "I'm not ready yet and we will have to work really hard, but I… I still believe in us. Don't you?"
"Carina, just go."
"No, bambina. I'm not leaving."
"I'm broken, don't you see?" Maya insisted. "He broke me, and then I repeated his behavior. I'm broken, and it's impossible to put myself back together. You need to go, you were never in the habit of fixing broken people, remember? Just leave. Take the shampoo, take the fricking conditioner, just go."
"Maya, stop," Carina replied, trying to reach her wife. The blonde was tired, she had been thinking too much, making extreme decisions, putting herself down like she didn't deserve anything good.
"I hurt you, I've taken so much from you. Like you said the other night, you have spent the best part of your year trying to make me get help, suffering. And what I put you through at the hospital… Why are you still here? When there are so many people out there without traumas that could give you a better, easier life… Why are you here, with me?"
"I won't quit us." Was the only answer Carina could give, because there had been moments in those past weeks where she had asked herself that same question. Concluding right after that just as she had suffered with this, she had never experienced love in the way she had with Maya, and that was reason enough to stay.
"You have an obsession with us," Maya replied, seeing a parallel. "Like the one I had with my job. But sometimes you just have to quit and move on. And this is your chance, you don't have to feel guilty or manipulated by me being like this, you can just pick up your things and go."
Carina wanted to scream, she wanted to get up and leave, but she remembered what her own therapist had repeated a couple of times. Maya's recovery will take time and unlearning behavioral patterns is not an easy work to make. Maya will need support, she will need help and her emotional state will vary. She will have good times where she is positive and low ones where she will shield herself from the world. So, was she worth staying?
"My therapist told me that a person is built of many parts, many broken dreams, many dissatisfactions; a person is made of their decisions, good or bad, of their mistakes, of the people that leave and the ones that stay. And sometimes we pick the best pieces and build something that others like and we want that to be it, because it is easy and nice to feel loved and appreciated. But there are the other parts of us, the ones we hide or we simply leave behind because we want to be perfect and those pieces just don't fit in our plans. And when they appear out of nowhere they mess with us, because we never gave them the importance they had in the first place, we never understood where they belonged inside us," Carina said, trying to get into her wife's head, she mattered, she was worth it, and she was loved. "You are not broken, Maya. You just were stuck with pieces you father didn't like… you were taught to never fail, to always be perfect, but being flawed is good, it's great. You don't have to be perfect with me, because I love you either way. But what you did hurts me, it's painful to see the person you love at the edge of not existing. I love you too much to let you do that."
"Carina…" Maya whispered, her tears falling. "And what if I can't change?"
"Oh, my love, you don't need to change. You just need to know who you are and love yourself for it, for what your heart holds."
"I don't want to hurt you anymore," Maya said, finally reaching her wife's body.
"Then don't push me away, bambina. I don't want to leave, and I'm not leaving tonight. I'm not getting up and locking myself in the bathroom, I'm not walking away from a hospital room, things are different now."
"I thought you weren't ready, that you wanted your space. Isn't that what you asked for the other night?"
"Yes, I know it might sound contradictory. I'm not ready, not yet. All of this still hurts too much, everything is so… near, and I also need time to heal, to process. I'm also in therapy. But I want you to know I'm in. I want us to come back from this. And I'm staying tonight, because I want you to know that, because you have had enough of me walking away, alright?"
Maya nodded and exhaled tired, the past couple of days had been an emotional rollercoaster.
"This bed is too tiny, can we just go to our bed?" Carina asked, she was tired and just wanted to rest with her wife in her arms.
"I don't think we can, not tonight, I have a guest," Maya said, making Carina pay attention since she couldn't imagine what her wife was talking about.
"What guest? I didn't see anyone in our room—"
"No, he is small, he is a baby and he is right there by the wall, on the floor."
Carina hurried sitting down and turned around with her phone light on reflecting the place Maya mentioned.
"Be careful, he is a baby, don't hurt his eyes."
Then she focused her sight and recognized the tiniest little ball of hair resting on a small bed under a crochet blanket.
"Maya you got a rat?"
"It's a puppy," Maya let out a small laugh. "His name is Jean-Claude Van Damme," Maya told her wife who was still amazed to see the little thing. "After leaving the station yesterday, I went for a walk downtown and, as I was passing by the animal shelter, a kid arrived carrying a box with puppies he had found at the corner of his house. He left it on the floor, it was a really old box and he got out, he could barely walk but came out to the sidewalk and I chased him a few steps and grabbed him."
"You stole it?"
"No!" Maya replied, how could she think that. "I went inside to give him back, and they asked me if I wanted to take him. They were at full capacity. So, they gave me a crash course on how to feed him and take care of him, and I adopted him."
"Why Jean-Claude Van Damme?" Carina asked, turning off the light.
"He is so small that when he walks on the floor he can't really stand up straight and he just splits his back legs, you know… like plop… it reminded me of Jean-Claude Van Damme," Maya explained, Carina laughed returning to the pillow. "Don't make fun of me, I've had too much time on my hands and I've watched a lot of martial arts movies."
"Oh wow, a dog."
"I know you don't like pets in the apartment, but… I was afraid and—"
"Afraid of what?" Carina interrupted.
"Of being alone."
"Oh, Maya…"
"I didn't want to be alone… and he looked at me like… like he would love me."
"Maya, with or without him, you won't be alone," Carina assured her wife, once again making herself closer. "It might take us a while, but we will be okay. I won't let you quit us, and you shouldn't have quit your job."
"I didn't quit my job, I asked for six months leave of absence," Maya corrected. "I want to focus on myself, find out what I want. I may not come back, but I haven't quit yet."
"Beckett told your team you quit," Carina informed her. "They were really worried."
"Well, Beckett can shove it," Maya answered, making way in her wife's neck. "You smell nice."
"It's the shampoo, bambina."