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James
He doesn't know what happened it had been a good day he practiced quidditch with Sirius and Marlene listened to Remus about how unfair wizards are to werewolves —and wholeheartedly agreed ofc— had a discussion with Lily and Mary about equality –everyone agreed with each other but still— while doing Mary's hair and played chess with Peter.
So what happened?
One moment he was just walking to the great hall for dinner the next he had difficulty breathing his chest began to feel tight and he got a blurry vision despite his glasses and he knew what it meant what was about to happen
Of course he did he had this plenty of times before
The real question was why, why now why here why so sudden
Why
Why
Why
Because he knew what was about to happen and he obviously didn't want it to in public he had just enough time to slip into an abandoned corridor and into the shadows where (hopefully) no one will see him
And then is back hits the wall and he slides down knees to his chest and hands in his hair and hyperventilating
Why
Why
Why
"Why can't I ever be good enough"
he didn't know if it's just his thoughts or if he's actually speaking out loud but he couldn't stop it now that it started
"Why is it all so hard"
"Why am I even sad my life should be perfect I should be perfect"
"Why am I not perfect I have to be perfect"
"Why is it so hard to just be happy now"
"Why am i not good enough"
"Why am I not good enough"
"Why am I not good enough"
The question repeated itself over and over again and he pulled his sleeve up put his want to his arm and started casting cutting hexes nothing to big that would cut his arm off no just enough to bleed and scar
Why
Well usually the pain helps it helps bring him back to reality it helps him concentrate on something, the red on his brown skin also looks calming and it makes him feel like he makes up for being imperfect but mostly just to bring him back to reality
But this time
This time I doesn't work
So he tries again and again and again
Again
Again
Again
Againagainagain...
But it just won't work so he let his wand fall to the ground and put his hands in his hair once again and starts tugging
"Why am I not good enough"
"Why am I not good enough"
"Why am I not—"
"Potter?"
"—good enough"
"Why am i not good enough"
Evan
Evan had an overall normal day it was nothing special really he studied a bit listened with his friends to Pandora rambling and to Dorcas about that girl on the Griffendor quidditch tream she plays against and hung out with Regulus while both reading the same book and getting each other's thoughts on it and now
Now he's with him
Barty his boyfriend since a bit earlier this year when they —finally after years of pinning— found out that the other likes them just as much
Everybody's in the great hall for dinner but he hasn't seen Barty all day and dinner can wait they can just go to the kitchens later and ask the house elves there the are always happy to help so now he just wants to find an abandoned corridor somewhere and snog his boyfriend senseless
God how he loves him
And he loves him
So so much
Regulus used to laugh at how pathetic he was and how oblivious Barty was and so did Dorcas only Pandora lovely lovely Pandora said she found it cute and endearing
As they turned the corner just about to enter the corridor Barty stopped walking so suddenly that Evan bumped into him
"Er... hey Ev?"
"Yeah what's wrong love"
"I think the snogging has to wait look"
So Evan turned his head to where his boyfriend was looking and it was... Potter?
What he saw was Potter, James Potter who is captain of the quidditch team has loads of friends and is a rich pureblood (blood traitor but only his parents care about all that stuff Evan didn't really care honestly) who everybody loves against the wall hyperventilating with his knees to his chest and blood running down one of his arms
"Is that..." Evan started but trailed off
"Potter yes it is" Barty answered "what should we do we can't leave him here like this he's obviously having a panic attack and will probably hurt himself if left alone —shit he already has fuck his arm— we can't leave him"
"Shit um stay here and try to calm him down I'm gonna go get Pandora she's good with this stuff"
"What you can't leave me here I hardly know the dude and Salazar knows I'm not good at comforting people"
"Just... er keep him from hurting himself yeah I'm gonna be right back with Dora"
Barty went to Potter and tried to get him to calm down which didn't work very well it was as if Potter didn't even notice him but it was good enough so Evan turned around to go to Pandora
He found her in the kitchens with Regulus so they could eat together they do this very often and If they weren't in the great hall for dinner you'd find them here
As soon as they heard Evan they simultaneously turned their heads to look at him
Evan was breathing hard from running all the way here but started talking anyway between breaths "hey...shit...hey...Dora... hey...Reg"
"Did you run here?" Regulus asked with an raised eyebrow
"...yes...wait a sec" and when Evan was breathing properly again he turned to Pandora "Dora I need your help me and Barty went to an abandoned corridor to...er to well snog but we found Potter there having a really bad panic attack and you're good with that stuff so I went to get you while Barty's trying to calm him down so um can you please come help?"
"Oh yes of course Evan" Pandora replied that girl is truly an angel sent from heaven
"Wait wait wait Potter as in James Potter?" Regulus asked sounding very surprised which can't really be blamed Potter always did seem to have the perfect life
"Yes him"
"I'm coming too"
"Wait you are why?"
"Evan he took my brother in obviously I want him to be alright"
"I– yeah okay come on then" and then they where running well Regulus was just walking really fast Merlin knows the heir of the Black family doesn't run
The first thing Evan saw when he entered the corridor was Barty sitting next to Potter and awkwardly rubbing circles on his back which didn't really do anything except let Potter know that he wasn't alone but it didn't really help
As soon as Pandora saw them she rushed over and sat down in front of Potter and gave him a lovely smile "Hey James I'm Pandora do you know me" Potter just gave a slight nod trying to pay attention "Okay well can I touch you just your wrists?"again he gave a slight nod and then she carefully took his hands out of his hair and gently put them down after that she scooted over to his side to sit next to him "okay can you lay your head on my lap and I will stroke your hair for you okay?" Potter did what she said and immediately relaxed a bit while she began humming a soft melody
Regulus crouched down in front of them and said in a quiet soothing voice "can I touch your wrist?" And once again Potter nodded he was still hyperventilating but his gaze was now locked on Regulus "okay" Regulus did as he said and took his wrist as he saw his arm he looked a bit horrified but only for a second before putting Potter's hand on his chest "James hey can you try and match my breathing?" And Potter did try and slowly but surely his breathing got steadier
Who knew Regulus could be so calming and good at this
With Potter's hand on Regulus' chest feeling his steady breathing and Pandora's hand in his hair while humming her song it didn't last long until he fell asleep
As soon as he did Regulus started murmuring healing and cleaning spells and the cuts healed yes but the scars where still visible
Evan and Barty had come closer now that his sleeping and sat down in a sort of circle Evan sat next to Regulus and Potter who was curled up into a ball with his head still on Pandora's lap and Barty next to Pandora and Regulus
"What do we do now" Evan whispered because who knows how long Potter would sleep he must be exhausted and they can't leave him here
"He's sleeping..."Regulus murmured
"Yes but we can't leave him here" Evan replied
"I say we take him to our dorm" Barty chimed in
"And how do we do that"
"We carry him?"
"Really Barty don't you think that would look a little weird to other people"
"Well I mean everybody's at dinner anyways so"
Evan let out a sigh "Yeah Okay Reg what do you think"
"Hm?" Regulus asked who was just staring at Potter worryingly
"Should we bring Potter to our dorm or not" Evan really can't blame Regulus for being so worried they all are and what if he was a little more worried he knew him better than they did
"Oh... um yeah actually he can't stay here we should bring him there yes"
With another sigh Evan agreed "Okay then Dora thank you for your help you where lovely as always we'll take it from here"
"Oh no need to thank me really"She replied with a sincere smile
And then Barty who was the strongest out of all of them picked Potter up who didn't wake up which is no surprise really and just like that they went back to the dorm and surprisingly they really didn't see anyone on their way back
When they did get back Barty didn't know what to do with the boy in his arms
"Um where do I..."
"Just put him on my bed I'll handle it from here okay you two just have fun" Regulus replied
Evan and Barty exchanged a look with translated to 'do you think what I'm thinking' 'yeah I think I am' and Barty just shook his head and gave a quit chuckle and put Potter down on Regulus' bed "Yeah Okay Ev let's go"
"Mhm yeah" and so they left
Regulus
When Barty and Evan left Regulus turned to Potter ait no James He will call him James from now on because...
Well James is only human too apparently the panic attack made that pretty clear
Regulus sat down on his bed and closed the curtains for some privacy and put a silencing and locking charm on them he'd rather not be seen as a gentle human being who has a heart thank you very much even if his dorm mates already knew that
He sat down against his headboard and pulled James —who was still sleeping— to his chest and put the blanket over them and then started stoking his hair
He had always thought James was perfect with his perfect parents and his perfect friends and just his perfect life and how perfectly kind he was
Regulus admittedly hated him which he later found out wasn't hatred at all and it took some time but he eventually came to terms with his crush as he and Sirius made up
But seeing James like this so... human imperfect it was well obliviously it was worrisome but it was also... nice? No no not nice just good to see that even someone like James bloody Potter wasn't perfect
To be honest that made Reg fall even more in love with him
Love
Love? Regulus thought well shit that's... yeah okay that's not good he's fairly certain James doesn't like him back and even though they're planning Regulus' escape during the next Christmas break already and James has been so kind so so kind he doesn't like him back right? Much less love
With the hand that wasn't in James' hair he took the book he had already begun and started reading
After a few hours it started to get late and past curfew and Regulus just knew Sirius would be freaking out with how codependent he and James are so he unlocked his curtain
"Hey Ev can you please bring me my owl quill and some parchment"
"Yeah sure Reg" Evan always had been a good friend who does favors no questions asked mostly because he's smart and already knows or just knows when to not talk about stuff that isn't his business
"Thank you Evan"
"Yeah no problem"
Regulus wrote a letter to Sirius to not worry him and let him know where James is so he could get a good night's sleep
Hey Siri,
James is alright, something just happened and my friends found him so now he's in our dorm sleeping so no worries he's fine just a bit tired
—R.A.B.
He tied the letter to his own and sent him to Sirius' dorm
It didn't last long until he got a reply
Hey Reggie,
Why is he with you? What happened?
—S.O.B.
Hey Siri,
I really think that he should be the one to tell you and you'll see him tomorrow you dramatic git go sleep with your boyfriend he's fine really
Goodnight
—R.A.B.
Hey Reggie,
Yeah alright Goodnight to you too Reg
—S.O.B.
Regulus sighed and went back to reading after locking his curtains again and putting up a new silencing charm
After a couple hours Regulus also fell asleep with his hand slack in James' hair and another few hours later he woke up to James moving against his chest a d undoubtedly slowly waking up
"Shit" he heard James say and felt him jolting forward
Blinking his sleep away Regulus quickly explained because waking up here must be quite the shocker "Hey James don't worry Sirius knows you're here and I didn't tell him why so you can do that tomorrow everything's alright"
"Oh..." and James let his he'd fall on Regulus' chest again and looked up to his face "what happened?"
Regulus started stroking James' hair again earning a soft 'hmm' "you– er...you had a panic attack and Evan and Barty found you called Pandora and me and when we got you to calm down and fall asleep Barty carried you here and well yeah that's basically all that happened"
"Oh... am I dreaming?"
"What" Regulus said and furrowed his eyebrows in confusion
"I'm pretty sure I'm dreaming I mean I'm snuggled up to the boy that i have loved for months now and he's stroking my hair and comforting me this has to be a dream right?"
Regulus' fingers froze in the other boy's hair
The boy that I have loved for months
"James?"
"Yeah that too you're calling me James now you never call me James"
"James I— no no no James you're not dreaming this is— you love me?"
As soon as reality hit him James' eyes widend "fuck Reg I— shit I'm so sorry I never wanted you to find out because I know you don't feel the same and i didn't wanna go through that again and— shit if you want me to go I'll go I'll never talk to again if that's what you want but please still come to my house you don't have to talk to me I swear i—"
"James wait hold on I— why would you assume I don't feel the same?" Because honestly that was easier to ask then to say that he probably loved him for years now
"Because you always ignore me and when you do speak to me you always say 'Potter' instead of James —well until now I guess— and well yeah that"
Okay and now Regulus couldn't help but smile he thought he made it obvious and James just acted like he didn't know
"I–James I do like you I ugh how do I say this I've well I'm pretty sure I loved you for years now and that you knew but just ignored it"
"Wait what"
"Oh well don't make me say it again you know I'm bad with this stuff"
"You mean emotions?"
"Yes"
"I– Reggie that's–" James laughed but came to a halt before asking "wait but how can you love me you just saw me have a panic attack"
"Made me realize you're human too and not perfect pretty sure I fell even more in love with you"
James who still had his head on Regulus' chest was practically vibrating with excitement "Regulus Arcturus Black can I be your boyfriend please say yes I think I'm gonna explode if you don't"
"And we wouldn't want that now would we" Regulus said amused to be honest he was the one who thought he was dreaming now "Yes James Fleamont Potter I would love for you to be my boyfriend now please kiss me"
"Yes love anything you want anything just ask really I would rib my heart out of my chest for you" James said giving Regulus a quick peck on his lips "you know love kissing you like this is quite hard maybe you can do the kissing?"
Regulus was so red he could only hope that it was dark enough that James wouldn't see it "Okay firstly please never stop calling me love you are simply not allowed to secondly please keep your heart in you chest I think it's quite lovely where it is third we do need to have a talk tomorrow about why you had a panic attack in the first place and last yes I'll kiss you mon solei" and that's what he did he bent his head down to kiss his boyfriend
And it was sweet and gentle and without tongue because Regulus wasn't ready for that yet and James will accept that and just take what he can get this is enough
After a couple of minutes they fell asleep again in a much more comfortable position James laying down on his side and Regulus' face on his chest and James' arms around him and his head on Regulus'
When the next day came they both woke up pretty late and James had to leave and go to his own dorm they did however plan to talk to Sirius together later that day and announce their relationship
James
When James got back to the dorm he was pretty much tackled by padfoot who started licking his face and then turned back into Sirius "James what happened why where you with Reggie"
James knew he had to tell his friends about his...er issues? But the thing is he really didn't want to burden them with it but... well he had to and Sirius would never forgive him if he found out on his own so with a sigh James explained the truth "I– um so I was on my way to the great hall but I– well I sort of had a panic attack? And then two of Regulus' friends found me er Barty and Evan and then they got Pandora and Regulus who calmed me down till I fell asleep and brought me to their dorm and yeah"
"Prongs?" Remus asked who was sitting on his bed with a concerned look on his face "a panic attack? When did you start getting panic attacks James"
Sirius stood up looking well serious "James come on let's sit down on moon's bed Pete come here" Peter silently sat down next to Remus and James and Sirius sat down as wel
"I um I've been having them since fourth year now"
"Why?" Pete spoke up
"I– um I think I have a few insecurity issues um a bit of anxiety I overthink loads I don't think I eat enough and um I also have this overwhelming need to be perfect it's um yeah it's a lot"
"What do you usually do during a panic attack" Remus asked
"When I'm in the drom alone when I feel coming I usually fill the bathtub with hot water since the burning kinda helps come back to reality or a really cold one it has the same effect really and I also just stay under water so I can manage by breathing if it isn't in the dorm I go to a quiet place and use cutting hexes on my arm for the same reason"
"Why didn't you tell us sooner James?" Sirius asked sounding a little sad
"I didn't wanna worry or bother you guys"
"James we're your friends of course we would worry about you and that's not a bad thing it just means we care and wanna help and you don't bother us well no you do but so does Sirius and Pete and I'm pretty sure I do too sometimes I mean we share a room for fucks sake of course we annoy each other but not with that never with that ho many times have you helped all of us with our issues and did we bother you then?" Remus asked
"What no of course not"
"See it's the same with us so just tell us when somethings wrong we wanna help"
"Okay..."
"We love you Prongs" Peter said looking more serious than ever
"Unfortunately unbearably much" Sirius said playfully
"Yeah yeah" James replied with a smile so sincere it kinda shocked him he loves his friends he really truly does
"You'll let us help then?" Remus asked
"Yes I will" and just like that they where all hugging and taking turns kissing James' forehead
Later that day James took Sirius up to the astronomy tower to meet with Regulus
"And why must your oh so important news be told in the astronomy tower again my legs are getting tired from the stairs"
"Er we're almost there you'll find out then"
Sirius just huffed in response
When they got inside Regulus was already there waiting and James went to him immediately "hey Siri hey Jamie"
"That one's new hey love" James could see how Regulus went so red he looked like a tomato it was adorable
"Jamie? Love?" Sirius asked looking skeptical
"Er yeah that's what we wanted to tell you we um we started dating last night nothing happened I promise there was only kissing and snuggling" James said looking very nervous
And then Sirius was...laughing?
"Why are you laughing?" Regulus said looking at his brother like he's an alien
"Oh...oh fucking finally do you guys know how weird it was seeing my baby brother and my best friend pinning for each other for years"
"You– you're not mad?"
"Prongs mate I've had years to come to terms with it no I'm not mad"
"Oh..." and Sirius was laughing again and then James and Regulus joined in year they where all going to be fine
Everything will be alright